That Which Doesn't Kill You..

It starts in my arms.. this sensation of needing to stretch, of being uncomfortable. It moves to my shoulders and neck and down my back til it feels like it's moved outside my body but surrounds me in an invisible, suffocating bubble. I feel trapped, claustrophobic.. walls aren't closing in, but I do feel enclosed in something I have no strength to get out of - and I start to shut down.

I never know when it's going to happen, it just does. Seems to be most often when someone asks how I am or virtually leans in too close because they genuinely want to know if I'm ok - because they can see I'm not. Something isn't right. Something is extra quiet about me and for someone self-described as something this side of a hyper chihuahua, an internal and silent storm is not something I know how to hide or control and for those who know me well or well enough, it's noticeable.

Four to five hours of sleep a night has become the norm. Proper sleep eludes me only because my need to move towards that action is prevented by a petulant will that avoids it as long as possible. I don't even bother to fight that inner child who refuses to be bossed around by Reason and Obligation because I'm so tired. Not just from lack of sleep either - from an effort to try to find this recently lost identity, to hold onto the fleeting comfort of being in my own skin, to replace my confidence derailed by a broken heart and even more so, a broken spirit.

After an evening away from work, I feel my old self coming back. I smile more, I hear support from friends and listen to their perspective. We move on to happier topics, dinner, theatre sports and I laugh like I haven't in a week. I go to brunch on a grey day and wander up to Orcas Island with a friend and the dog and no agenda at all but just to get out of the city. And I wonder how long this cloud will come and go and if the weight of humilation and discouragement will eventually lift.

I sat at my cube last Monday morning - which will most likely be the pattern for all the next Monday's and every weekday to come for a while - and I felt punched in the stomach. I started checking emails and I was reminded how I've been cut off at the knees. My peer is now my lead, hesitant as he was to take the position, but he wasn't really given a choice. The word 'temporary' was thrown around a lot, but no estimated timeframe provided for when I would be reinstated, if ever. And I didn't believe they even thought it was possible because I was told I should've known better.. it was common sense.. regardless of the changes made or the lack of training.

Am I really an angry person? Am I so completely out of line? Was I unprofessional? Do I even know how to be any sort of leader? And if there's so much I still have yet to work on, is this the right environment for me to do that with all its disorganization and changes still yet to be made? Should I just quit and chalk it up to doing the best I could, knowing I was set up to fail and also, admittedly, failed myself? I mean, is it unreasonable for them to expect me to maintain any sense of motivation after this or should I (and can I even) take this as a hard lesson learned, suck it up, and show them not only can I repair my failings, but I can change my tarnished image regardless of what I see as poor leadership on their part as well?

I'm not saying I'm blameless in this situation. I have a mountain of work to do. It's daunting really. I honestly don't know how to break it down, tho I know it's something behavioral that I learned growing up. Can I blame my family? Sometimes I do, but it's my focus to correct those teachings learned from dysfunction and an unhappy marriage. An angry father, a passive-aggressive mother, a struggle in me always needing to speak my mind and the constant battle between my father and I for who would have the last word because Mom probably already left the argument and wasn't speaking to at least one of us.

So in order to start really working to rid myself of my own personal demons, I started counseling. Does that sound better than therapy? I think it sounds less.. clinical maybe.. a little softer.. with more hugs involved or something. And I thought I would cry thru every session so far because I feel broken everywhere, which includes lots of self-pity wallowing, frustration over anything, mental and physical exhaustion from trying to watch what I say, fighting the urge to speak without thinking and acknowledging the powerlessness in my current position. But I just talked. And she listened. And lo and behold! She provided validation! Not that she let me off easy.. but I'm not the first person to make a mistake. Nor the last. And I'll certainly make more so hey, welcome to the human race.

I feel lighter after talking. I feel like I'm understanding better how to address my issues and what (or who) triggers them and then how to direct the emotional downpour that follows. AND why the hell those feelings erupt in the first place.

She's pointed out how I go back to the childish place where I learned all this behavior when I feel I'm grasping for some sense of right over wrong, success over failure, but more than that, just the overall survival - and we haven't even touched on my family yet. Still, I know exactly what she's talking about. I've taken the fight or flight instincts I developed from growing up and inserted them in my professional life where that family is just as dysfunctional and anything negative I inherited behaviorally isn't just heightened, it thrives in that type of high stress and constantly changing environment.

I'm putting all the effort I can into changing my perspective because right now I feel like I'm too sensitive.. an exposed nerve. But working to be positive and smiley actually takes all my strength. I'm exhausted by the end of every work day because it's hard work not to say something, to think about how I word everything, and just to sit still. It's hard to take when my boss motions to my co-worker with my former position and discusses things that he'll be taking care of. I'm a walking paper cut and walking in the door to my office feels like I just dove into a pool of lemon juice, especially when my normal actions are now at best overlooked in light of the change in roles.. and at worst, they're completely ignored. I feel like work broke up with me and we're trying to be friends. It's kind of heartbreaking.

I'm looking forward to a point where I can feel some sense of growth and release.. however, right now, it's not clear when that will be. Shine and I go straight into a move to a new apartment this weekend. I'm booked the next three nights to work another play and have whatever time I have left tonight and tomorrow after the shows and Saturday morning and afternoon to pack everything we own. We haven't even started. You can imagine the stress that's caused between us because Shine is the nicest and sweetest person on the planet and is not worried at all.. and well.. I'm both not so nice and stuck between extremes of freaking out and nervous wreck. When neither of those things work - and they usually don't - I shut down and just agree to everything. Oprah really should dedicate an entire show to the generosity and kindness that Shine exemplifies because it's truly something to behold. You think I jest. I'm kind of awful on a regular basis. Angel is just a name people. What can I say? My parents were hopeful.

Along with Shine who has her own stuff going on, Kari and Megan are also going thru major life issues. I'm not only absent, I'm completely silent and not there in any spirit whatsoever. Amazingly, they continue to send words of support and love and hold nothing against me even tho I barely recognize this person I am lately. Eight, Kat, Boris and other friends I've seen and who I talk to regularly constantly offer supportive words and advice - and most importantly, just listen when I find myself wanting to talk. I know I'm lucky to have the love I feel around me and hope I can find my way back to a stronger sense of self really soon.

Not everything sucks. Yesterday I got a free oil change because it took them longer than an hour to complete the service and my cell phone company found me a cheaper plan AND gave me 500 extra minutes as a bonus! Whoo hoo! My life rocks!

Ok.. who wants to come over and put this pen in my eye and put me out of my misery?