The hard part is over.
The truck was rented and returned. The boxes were packed and unloaded. The apartment was cleaned thoroughly and the keys to it, locked inside. I don't remember saying a quicker goodbye to anything. We were happy to have left it and moved on, a heavy sigh of relief exhaled from both Shine and me.
Our smaller, but happier home is cluttered, boxes await unpacking, things want to be organized and put away, art displayed, but it's still a matter of finding the time. Life hasn't stopped. Friends still call, social gatherings are still scheduled and planned for, obligations require our presence.. but it's happening slowly. It's all coming together..
Part of some weight is lifted. Moving is one of my least favorite things in the world. It caused some severe stress combined with the other variables going on. There were many points I thought I would crack and at least once where I did.. not that I was proud of it.. but it was inevitable. Shine has been a bright, little beacon of friendship and strength thru it all and I'm glad she didn't just give up and decide she was going to take Miss Moo and move somewhere else. I think she hates moving even more than I do cuz I was that bad. At least one of us always had her eye on the goal and kept reminding me we were almost there.
I'm in The Pit Of Unhappy at work these days. While I started counseling and had two sessions under my belt that really helped start to break down what was going on with me and around me, I relapsed the last 20 minutes of work last Monday when my boss and I didn't see eye to eye. He neglected to follow one of the many new processes he helped put into place, which caused me to overlook an order that needed to be entered. I could've handled it a number of ways that would've left him looking like the abuser of power that he is and me from looking like part of the problem.. however, shockingly, I chose none of those.
Because of my reaction - which was calm at first, but indignant and then escalated to something similar to stomping my feet all the way back to my desk and the equivalent of slamming the door in his face by refusing to continue the discussion that was clearly going so well - I was spoken to and verbally warned. My boss still had the audacity to say to me in our one on one the next day AND in following meetings with my lead, the HR woman, and HIS boss, 'You know, I'm the boss.. so I don't have to follow process. I mean, I know I should because things fall thru the cracks if I don't, but I don't have to if I don't want to. Also, if I don't, you should know that I probably have a good reason, but I just need you not to question me in that case. Just be open to the possibility. It's just gonna happen sometimes.. '
What world is it where people actually get to say that who aren't the President of the United States? I'm just saying..
This is why I talked to HR for an hour the day after my awesome warning. And thank God for my boss' boss because between him and HR.. my boss is looking pretty foolish and arrogant right now. I made a couple of poor choices in my reactions and my verbal will stick, for sure. That's not in question. I have things to work on and I will need to keep my head down and my work looking shiny and beyond stellar to get past this. But there were already things brewing when my little issues sort of steamrolled into the middle of things and pulled focus from who's head is really on the chopping block. So baby just has to be quiet and be patient.. and I think at least one head that isn't hers is going to roll eventually. Time will tell..
I've been busy with friends and lovers.. and whatever you call something inbetween that. Boz has become my rebound on nights when we go out as friends and somewhere during the evening the flirting starts and escalates in dark corners of any given room.. and the cab back to his place.. and it'd been over a year since we'd been together, but damn.. it's like riding a bike with that one. It was always the best thing about us. It was good to just be friends for that time because he finally figured out how to value me that way and we're solid enough now that there's just a little something extra between us. No hearts broken, good lovin had by all, and sleepy mornings of good memories from the night before. Works for me..
Boris is in and out of the picture. When he's busy with whatever is his latest distraction be it music or a social gathering or a new interest, I don't hear from him much. Out of no where, he'll be in contact again, an evening will be scheduled like when he came over last to keep me company and help make some progress on the arranging of furniture and unpacking.. and it was great. Just like old times.. and old habits.. man, they do die hard, don't they? He stayed over, it was innocent enough - honestly - but God, I miss him. I know he misses me too. But is it a guy thing or what when they start to say things that make you think they'd completely forgotten what it was like to be around you at all. You're back to being new again.. like a new toy they just discovered after having lost it under the bed. THERE you are! And after 10 minutes.. or say the next morning, whichever is first, they're out the door with a quick kiss goodbye and you have to put that stupid idea out of your head again. This is not what you want. You are not going to wait. He is never going to change. Let go, move on.. and still.. you have that nagging feeling that you're not quite over with each other yet. Be it right or wrong.. good or bad.. you know it. Not holding your breath.. but just waiting to see what happens next.
My friend, Eight, and I have been working out all our drama over instant message together during the week. He's my guy advisor.. and I'm the female point of view. We're both hung up on our exes tho he's involved with someone else currently, while my dating life looks like Death Valley on a good day. We seem to trade off when one of us has it bad and the other steps in to counsel as best s/he can. Then we randomly meet for lunch maybe once a week and I'm reminded of the chemistry between the two of us that I curbed while not being around him so often now that we don't have an art gala to plan anymore.
It's a serious crush. Whatever that means. It's maddening when I find myself feeling jealous for the most obvious reasons when the man has a girlfriend and is in no way even close to dating me.. like ever. This isn't news to him tho. We talk candidly and he knows my interest.. I know his as well, but he's quite popular and I don't compete with others - not well anyway. The timing is off, as is always the case with me. Somewhere on another plane we've decided we're probably a scorching couple.. that's clear. The tension is apparent and our energies are good together.. but damn if he doesn't make me nervous like a school girl who's got the hots for her professor. So til the timing aligns itself correctly, which is probably when flying cars will be invented since his unending drama with the female has quite a few participants as it is, I will just bide my time with our lunch dates and be satisfied with the daydreaming I do after we part. He leans in and gives me a warm and friendly hug and a kiss on the cheek and then I go back to my desk and try to work.. Oh the things that go thru my head afterwards I swear would make Heidi Fleiss blush...........
And with nothing really discussed tonight, I still feel better having written it all out. There's a process going on within me of nothing terribly new.. I mean, it's a purge of sorts, but I always feel like I'm in a state of that sort of flux, but there's this new edge I feel like I'm about to jump off of and I can only hope I land on something soft.. I have good friends around me and I just have to believe that I'm strong enough to make better choices with the opportunities in front of me.
Now if only this growing thing wasn't so hard, I'd do it all the time..
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