I Shall Not Be Moved

At the end of February, Kari and I spent her Christmas gift to me listening to Dr. Maya Angelou speak for an evening. She's almost 80 years old and is an extremely engaging storyteller. Her voice alone is so glorious it's like swimming thru thick waves of silk. She's also just funny as all get out. I like it when a person of her stature, age, and experience calls it like it is. She has a particularly keen understanding of life and expresses it with her own mix of intelligent wit and direct honesty. There's no pretense. Just this feeling that the room was filled with the weight of this love she creates and shares and never seems to run out of.

The woman has a world of experiences - some so awful and ignorant we could feel her frustration and anger of a particular memory. Some were so beautiful they carried the entire audience along as we all held our collective breath, her voice washing over us like we were bathing in warm honey. I'm sure she's had her moments where she wasn't so full of grace and light, but you'd never know it. She's a force we were honored to witness and I left feeling extremely blessed to have been in the same room with someone so filled with the power of love that she exudes.

Centered on the world's stage,
she sings to her loves and beloveds,
to her foes and detractors:
However I am perceived and deceived,
however my ignorance and conceits,
lay aside your fears that I will be undone,

for I shall not be moved.

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I've been reading 'Eat, Pray, Love', by Elizabeth Gilbert. The story is one that you either enjoy or you don't because as I've heard the writer can come across as pathetic and whiny because of all she's going thru in her story. I can see why and I honestly don't think it's technically the best-written book or the most poetic as far as how she puts words together. But for me there's something sweetly endearing and relatable about her. The struggle of lost love and inner growth is something most have gone thru and that whiny girl who can't let go and thinks the worst of herself has certainly reared her ugly head more times than I'd like to admit. So I keep turning page after page while I sit on the bike at the gym and while I've let my exercise routine lapse the last few weeks during my own downward spiral, I'm back at it and feeling stronger.. book in hand while I pedal.

The book is about her year of travels where she spent equal amounts of time in Italy, India and Indonesia in an effort to process her relationship demons. I'm in the midst of her journey within an Ashram in India where she was seeking a deeper sense of spirituality in conjunction with her larger goal to heal.

What I find funny is that often when I pick up a book, it's to distract me for a little while and capture a little of someone else's imagination in order to be carried away and forget what I'm dealing with. So I reached the point where someone has given her a list of instructions for freedom by which to meditate. I dog-eared one page inparticular for these two lines of instruction:

'Let your intention be freedom from useless suffering. Then, let go.'

'When the karma of a relationship is done, only love remains. It's safe. Let go.'

Clearly - I can't get away from what I'm dealing with even for 30 minutes at the gym. And maybe there's a different kind of exercise I'm in need of.

I remembered something from the bit of Buddhism that I know which is that suffering is caused by attachment. Yet, attachment seems unavoidable to me. I mean, we're human. Attachment is necessary. But as I recently acknowledged, there was an attachment in my life I could no longer hold onto because it was only causing me pain. So I made a motion to let it go.. or release the doves, as Shine says. I practically wrestled that relationship in an effort to get what I wanted, but it wouldn't be coerced. And why should I convince anyone to be with me or convince myself that settling for whatever small bits are offered could ever be enough? I shouldn't in either case. Those lines just reminded me that not only did I do the right thing, but there's no negativity surrounding that. It stings, but I wish that ache a fond farewell and welcome the transition in my heart to move on.

I know I love. I know I'm loved. My meditation is in those words. My freedom lies there.

I shall not be moved.

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In that same line of thinking, how do we avoid useless suffering? Avoiding attachments altogether seems a bit drastic, doesn't it? I'm drawn by connection first - a chemistry I can't visibly see, but once I feel that familiar pull of an intense gaze, a few charming words in a suggestive and playful tone - I'm caught. Now if Timing would just see to work with me instead of against me, those things wouldn't be so bittersweet. But the opportunities in front of me aren't ones for reaching out to from what I'm gathering. I think they're there to show me what could be possible. Not actually options to pursue. Sort of like the display model in a store. Not actually for sale and in fact, they're sold out, but they can't take it out of the window just yet. So it lends to asking the question - am I attracted to the wrong things? Chemistry is great - but when you have it with someone who is, for any number of reasons, unavailable, it's rather moot.

Ali called me late the other night while I was in the midst of processing this door-closing issue with Boris. I know I sounded shaky and sad and he asked me what happened. After my saga, he discussed his possible romances and one seemed a bit extreme for her young age and how far away she'd moved. I teased him saying he couldn't pursue her because before he did that, we should be getting back together as the three hours apart we are is a lot more reasonable than the 10 between them. Then he said that if things were different, there wouldn't be any question about who he would choose to be with because that would be me...... I think for a second - and seriously, it felt longer than that - I was fairly stunned.

The love between us isn't in doubt. He was, at one time, the love of my life, I thought. I pined for two years and compared everyone I dated to him for much longer than that. But sure, I eventually fell out of love with him, but I'd thought he'd done that first - even before we'd broken up. He corrected me and said he'd never once stopped loving me. Not that he was proposing we get back together that very instant, but even saying that seemed to leave it open for discussion, which still had me shellshocked when we finally said goodbye.

What am I to think? Yet another situation that seems.. improbable.. and at the same time, it overwhelmed me with warmth knowing that it's not impossible for someone to love me for years. And as silly and self-deprecating as that sounds.. I mean, a girl begins to wonder when her definition of a successful relationship is one that goes longer than a few weeks.

Yes, our history was extremely significant to both of us, but do we find our way back to each other when the other opportunities simply aren't redeeming? And were we different people then and have we changed so much that if we were to consider the possibility of reconnecting, would the relationship be different/better/healthier? Or do we use the other as a designation of where we set the bar and continue to seek out someone new who hits that measure at minimum?

I find myself feeling more emotion than one can really understand all at once. At one end I have this compelling connection with someone who's become a close friend - and my feelings get all tangled up with the butterflies flitting around and all the happy I feel when I'm around him. At the other end, I feel a deep sadness in my heart knowing Boris and I have to try harder this time to keep our distance so we can both heal and come back as friends when we're ready. Throw in my rebounding with Boz and Ali's surprise statements and you can see how my head's about to explode.

Eight knows I hate this, but for whatever it's worth, I need to just accept the love that's shown in the moments it's shown and be happy. So it's not the exact level of love I want from at least two of them and yes, I'd like to hear one of them express something more in line with what I'm feeling, but it's not going to happen. I know they both love me, but in their own way and each has too many other variables and their own demons to work thru. I'm ok with that. I still have lots of work to do myself. I don't regret what I feel. That's who I am. By nature, love is unconditional, unselfish and is given without expectation of it being returned. Yes, it's a little lonely and a little frustrating, but I choose to be open to the grace that inspires in me and not be swallowed up by anything bitter because my feelings are unrequited.

It's safe. I'm letting go.

I'm not caught.. I'm free.

I love. I am loved.

I shall not be moved.