Breathing It Out

I used to run for an hour on this perfect route I had around Ashland when I was in college. My favorite was coming out of my afternoon classes into a rainy evening and actually looking forward to a run where I would get completely soaked. It was hard. I'm not a runner. I'm pigeon-toed from the right hip especially, but it was something I got into and started to feel I needed.

A couple of years ago my lower back began to hurt when I would lay down or get up in the morning. As time progressed, I eventually couldn't touch my toes without pain and I was starting to have these very quick but frightening back spasms that literally had me on the floor when they would occur. My acupuncturist I started to see regularly knew it wasn't from any trauma, but just living life. Pretty simple, but unnerving as well. I had to stop running and certain other exercises that used my back. I couldn't even run down the block if I was late to anything, which we all know is often.

After about a year of treatment, I stopped last fall and the pain hasn't returned. I felt sure enough to start running again recently and tho I run for a lot less time than I ever did, I think overall it's still working for me. I don't think this body is made for that kind of exertion on the joints and I'll never win any races, that's for sure.. which is just fine with me.

If you've ever done any kind of running for exercise you know that feeling after you're done. I don't think it's just me who feels like I'm mentally clearer, my eye sight seems sharper, if I sing in the car on the way home, my voice is brighter and stronger. I feel whatever stress has lived in my day was left behind in the last mile, the last stretch of pushing myself to complete exhaustion and poof! Vanished like that. I tingle. I feel the air on my skin. I'm tired, but alert, worn out, but exhilarated.

With work and life complications on my mind, the gym has been the place where I don't feel tied to anything. I'm in my own space, I only think of the minutes passed and the minutes left on the timer, the reps I've done or have left to do.. I try not to obsess about my body flaws and just envision feeling strong. I have a rhythm and a pace and I concentrate on my breathing and making sure the oxygen gets to every cell I can imagine it reaching.

Last night when I was there running out my day's concerns, I was fine until I reached the point I was done and began to stretch. I closed my eyes and tried to pull into all my muscles and stretched as long and as far as I could. But with my breath, my worries began to creep in alongside. My faults from the day, how I could've been a better person but chose not to be here and there, how I responded, what I said, did, and felt.. my discomfort regarding a particular relationship that isn't even something established and that I'm keeping at arm's length by choice.. all clamored down on me and I started to get emotional.

I felt very small.. I wanted to stretch my way into the smallest ball of a person I could and disappear into some sort of impossible invisibility. That dark place I'd discussed about being most of this year was trying to regain its footing and I didn't want to let it, but it's proving tenacious. So I let all the negative in and found more things to add to it. But then I did something that even surprised me: I asked forgiveness of myself.

I went down the list, eyes still closed and still breathing into each stretch and I thought of the last few difficult months that Shine has endured with me.. and then proceeded to recognize our most recent chat that could've escalated to frustration, but I found a calmer voice and more appropriate words than I had in the past and we had a very productive discussion that made us both feel better.

I thought of this very uncomfortable situation between the woman Boz is dating and myself and tho we do like each other as women, the weight of knowing each other as friends is too complicated for me to take on right now. The opportunity to get to know her and how great of a person she is matters, but at this time, it doesn't matter more than my own self-preservation and prevention of drama where all parties are concerned. I forgave myself for coming to a conclusion that may seem closed-minded, but is the best decision for me currently. I do hope at some point in the future that changes.

And as far as my work environment, I'm not always the best at relaying something out logically because the emotion can cloud it, however, I said what people would not say, I made valid points clearly, and tho they don't recognize my passion for what it is or even know why I feel it, they understand I'm integral to the company. I'm aware they feel that way, but I can also see that I feel wasted in ability and for who I am and that responsibility falls on me, not them, to do something about that eventually. I forgave myself for allowing my professional life to affect me negatively outside of work and decided I'd start working towards a serious change in that direction.

The things I focused on after that: I talked to my Canadian prince, Ali, and wished him a happy 33'rd birthday, reminding him how deeply I still loved him and felt the warmth of that velvety voice and the love he still feels for me wash over me. Shine offered her open-hearted wisdom, which I let sink in and gave me a much-needed hug before she called it a night. And I thought seriously about the discussion Eight and I had during the day about all these complications and wished him my love and gratitude for being supportive when I really needed guidance.

I felt very loved when I went to sleep and tried to send that energy back out to the Universe and to all the people in my life who accept me as I am - flawed, certainly, but not boring either.. Mostly I know they know how sincere I am in my efforts spent trying to be a better person all the time. I'm safe in that feeling.

I fell asleep worn out, but comforted. Emma snuggled up and purring and my last thought was damn.. that running thing is really good for me. Who knew?