In Focus

After a very long Monday in the Cubicle Farm, which I dragged my frustrated self to and will continue to do so til that elusive Independent Wealth falls in my lap, I left feeling more exhausted and frustrated than I did this morning. Did I almost go home and go to bed afterwards? Ummmm.. yes.. but I didn't, ok.. so there! I ended up at the gym because I knew I needed to expend the last bit of irritated energy into something good for me. Hey! Look at me! Isn't that growth?! I think.. maybe it is!

Ok.. this is starting out WAY too excited for how I'm really feeling, which is reflective and all mellowy.. not that you can tell or anything but seriously.. on the couch, Emma asleep on my ankles in a way that would make it difficult to move so honestly, really not jumping up and down here.. not in the slightest..

Anyhoo..

I hate the gym.. I go because I need to. Because if I didn't, I would be as big as a house. I eat normally and pretty healthy, however, I still like to eat. So. If I don't work out, my metabolism isn't awesome enough to keep me slim like some lucky bitches people out there. But more than that.. when I'm done, I'm clear. Clear of the fog from the day, awake, fatigued, but in a good way, happier. I feel like I've shed a skin. The sweat has released me and yes, I stink and I'm a mess, but it feels great when I'm done and I walk out into the chilly Seattle June evening.

I'm unhappy with my job and my love life.. but having direction, having an outlet helps. I mean, like I said before, spring arrives late to this area.. so like all of a sudden, if I don't give myself some sort of fix vertically, I'm going to be tempted much too easily and make some rash horizontal decisions.. I mean, hi, I'm a scorpio.. it's in my nature. Not that it's not going around because GOOD GOD does the boy next door get busy.. like ALL THE TIME and even RIGHT NOW.. THIN WALLS MAN.. Could you give it a rest?! Some of us are barely keeping ourselves out of a nunnery! No need to brag so loudly! God! I mean, yes, I get some very good opportunities with Boz, but he can't be my answer. It'd be nice to have someone a little more steady and oh.. I don't know.. who actually cared to see me more than maybe at 1 am on a Saturday night.. and that's not to say that I'm not just as guilty. But see.. this is again, why I'm doing things for me..

The Balagan Theatre kids had a little get-a-way this weekend and decided they might like yours truly to be their production manager.. of every production! How rad is that?! Wait, I'll tell you. Pretty rad! Possibly even the raddest! And I'm ever so excited about it and, if I continue on the Path Of Rad by doing well with all this mad responsibility they're going to bestow upon me and don't completely fuck it up, they'll make me a part of the company! And I know you can't see my face, but trust me.. UBER smiley about that. That's my goal right now.. to be an integral part of a collective of artists that are dedicated to what they love, which is creating fantastic work that also doesn't suck. I may be overwhelmed and stressed out eventually, but I couldn't have asked for more. It's a gift and I really adore them for being such amazing people and asking me to work with them.

Now the band.. well.. we still don't have a name. And don't think it's because I haven't tried, people.. because I have.. holy crap. The Kickin Gypsies sounded too folksy, The Drunken Angels couldn't be kept because a former member in the band had a drinking problem.. and you know, being Angel and having 'angel' in the band name feels a little narcissistic. Tho I think it's great for somewhere in a soul band's name in my opinion, but um, I'm not everyone.. so.. fine. Then a friend came up with The Notary Public and if you live with it for longer than two seconds without dismissing it like a Negative Nelly (and you know who you are), it starts to sink in.. and personally, um.. I think it's awesome.. however, after it was suggested, there were many jokes about being The Dept of Bureaus and it just went downhill from there. Then it was The Get Downs or The Git Downs, which sounded to some like a country hip hop band.. or a hick funk band.. and whichever it was, wasn't good. Not to mention that tho it may not be copywrited, there are like five other bands on myspace alone with the name. Junebugs? Taken. The Mayflies? That too. I posed The Bottle Cap Angels and that didn't take, but they went on and on about The Bottle Caps til they found that another group cornered that one first (and thank God). So we're back to the drawing board of lame suggestions and kids' soccer team names - The Dragons? The Noble Dragons (Miss Shine was quick to quash that saying it sounded much too much like The Mighty Ducks. Thank goodness she had my back because.. do either of those say soul band to you?)?? But I have some good ones we're not using so if you need a band name.. um.. I've got a few I haven't shared. But hey.. you know creativity ain't cheap.. just saying.. damn, I should go into marketing.

So I don't get everything I want.. these unavailable men that twitterpate me into next week.. and the unknown dream job.. not to mention this messed up 49 degree weather in frickin JUNE frankly sucks ass and I would like just a smidge of the 90 degree heat Chicago can't seem to share.. but I feel like I just finally got some air. I can breathe and doors are opening and with that, light is being shed on this dark place I've been for half the year. And honey, I clearly stayed there way too long.