I can hardly believe it's been four years since I started blogging. That's a long time and a lot of posts that have encompassed some good, some bad, some difficult and happy, lots of break-ups.. and I hope more love than anything. A friend who apparently has been reading since I began said I sound calmer these days. I laughed. I just hope I've grown. I have my days and my bad habits and God knows I know how to rant and go on, don't I? Don't answer that. But I think I've grown up a lot, right here in front of all four of you. Thanks.. for allowing me that time, that is. I'm glad I have this.. I'm glad you're all there.. even if it's only virtual. Don't think that doesn't still count - because it does.
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Last week was really pretty tough. Not that you're asking of course.. but you know, this blog is sort of all about me. I could say I'm not self-absorbed here, which you and I both know isn't true, however, it is my blog, right? I digress..
There are moments that bring a lot of light and joy. I don't love the way it comes and goes - the weight on my chest that makes me throw myself on my bed in a pile of tears or a good friend or even a kind acquaintance that takes the time to make a difference in my day and bring a smile to my face. It's a lot like this weather - grey and cloudy one moment and bright and sunny the next and I wish I could just bathe in the warmth of the latter. I'm trying.
The break up setting in combined with the usual hormonal shift was just slightly less than crushing and all I could hope for was the time to pass so I could get beyond it and feel better. It took forever, let me tell you. Most eternal weekend ever - and not in a good way.
As we're hitting the Seattle Erotic Arts Festival VIP night with friends tonight, Jake and I had to make sure we were outfitted appropriately. I was so looking forward to spending part of my Saturday afternoon with him. But as my emotions would have it, they were very close to the surface that morning and as soon as he walked in, they refused to be stifled much.
We made it thru brunch, which was lovely. It was good to see each other and I could see he just wanted things to be light. I really did too. I tried to be strong. His suit consisted of pretty much the first things he tried on from the first store we entered in Madison Park and it was gorgeous and perfect and such a deal. We even picked out sweet cuff links. We found the perfect tie downtown that was almost exactly what I'd envisioned. The last stop was Red Light back on the hill so I could get some shiny white gloves and that was that. Three hours had gone in a flash and I spent most of it wishing quietly in my head, trying to keep my emotions in check, and when I wasn't succeeding, holding onto him and trying to understand why we weren't together.
I was kind of pathetic.
He was very patient.
Until he wasn't.
Not his fault - I pushed for answers he couldn't provide once we pulled up to my house where I just should've said a sweet goodbye, given him a hug and gotten out of the car. But no. I had to say more, like I hadn't said ALL the words I could think of already because for some reason, I thought maybe if I found another way to tell him or show him how much I loved him and he realized how much he loved me, he'd see he was ready, he could be in this with me. And the tears! God.. where does all the water come from? No wonder Jake was frustrated and unable to say anything new and trying really hard to maintain his own composure.
I walked in the house and let myself cry it out - um.. for a couple of hours. Tho I was completely exhausted by the time I got to my show at Annex that night, I was grateful for the distraction and FINALLY, somewhere in the middle of the show, things eased up on my chest and it didn't hurt so much. I could breathe! I could laugh! And I sighed for relief that this was a really awful day - but I think I'd made it thru the worst part AND LIVED!
Sunday had me feeling like ok.. I will get thru this now and yes, it's sad, but he's still in my life and that's something positive. I also found a little more acceptance that it's more than likely he won't find his way back to me. And, even if we could manage that, the relationship we had is still over. We won't ever have the same relationship, which is a good thing because by the end of it, it was such a struggle - tho of course, it was really the happiest I've ever been in my life and that's saying something.
I ran around the city doing lots of errands and my spirts just felt much brighter. I was looking forward to some time with The Artist's new girlfriend, MJ, who was coming with me to see Sunday In The Park With George. The free tickets were courtesy of L'il Peach, Boz' girlfriend, who works at a bigger local theatre, which is nice that we have that world in common. I'd never seen it, but had heard much about it - mainly that it was about being an artist - and of course, loving that artist. Couldn't be more perfect right?
Once the show started, both MJ and I were immediately fascinated. The state-of-the-art tech effects transformed the whole museum-like setting on stage into a giant canvas with animated bits and it was simply magical. Seriously, it took our breath away.
The story? Um.. closer to home there. The entire first act is about a very dedicated artist - and the woman who loves him just as passionately - but he clearly makes no room for her and she can only feel in the way for so long before she finds the strength to leave.
Yup. Awesome.. as in cried the ENTIRE time.
The second act shifts to 100 years later and takes place in 1984. This was easier to get thru, but the connection remained and we were still tearing up at the end. It was incredibly moving and beautiful.
I raved to Jake about it the next day including everything it brought up for me. It stayed with me - the fact that creating art takes so much dedication and passion - and I was grateful to share that world with him even if we're not in the same portions of it.. We both love it, are driven by it - he certainly has more at stake than I do and it makes me really proud that I've been steeped in that life with him, even if only for less than a year.
So upwards and onwards, right? Let's test it with SEAF: one crazy and sexy event where I will be with some of my favorite friends and favorite now-ex-boyfriend. Yeah - I know - brilliant. Certainly not the best plan I've ever had. My stomach's in knots and my emotions that had been so good about finding other things to do this week have now risen closer to the surface. I'm challenging them to find Hope and Happiness and Love when he walks thru my door tonight so I can smile easily and joyfully - feeling no weight of what we are not any longer - and just enjoy myself and the time we have together.
Breathing helps..
A lot has happened in the last 12 months. This time last year I was grieving over a relationship that had been more dysfunctional than happy, I'd thrown myself into the theater community where I would meet wonderfully talented people who will probably always be a part of my life and renewed a passion for this art I cherish.. and I fell in love so powerfully, so completely that I discovered a freer and happier side of myself. I saw that in how he saw me. I've never felt so beautiful and so loved before.
I know now how strong I am. I know what's worth fighting for and that I fight for the right reasons, but I really hope over the coming year I don't have to continue to fight that hard. It's exhausting. Still, it's good to know what I'm capable of. It feels badass.. like I'm the Dirty Harry of Hope.. but you know, not as sweaty.
So here's to love for all of us.. the complete kind, the good kind, the best kind. And to this blog - and myself - a pat on the back for another year well spent living in that love as much as possible.
******************************
Last week was really pretty tough. Not that you're asking of course.. but you know, this blog is sort of all about me. I could say I'm not self-absorbed here, which you and I both know isn't true, however, it is my blog, right? I digress..
There are moments that bring a lot of light and joy. I don't love the way it comes and goes - the weight on my chest that makes me throw myself on my bed in a pile of tears or a good friend or even a kind acquaintance that takes the time to make a difference in my day and bring a smile to my face. It's a lot like this weather - grey and cloudy one moment and bright and sunny the next and I wish I could just bathe in the warmth of the latter. I'm trying.
The break up setting in combined with the usual hormonal shift was just slightly less than crushing and all I could hope for was the time to pass so I could get beyond it and feel better. It took forever, let me tell you. Most eternal weekend ever - and not in a good way.
As we're hitting the Seattle Erotic Arts Festival VIP night with friends tonight, Jake and I had to make sure we were outfitted appropriately. I was so looking forward to spending part of my Saturday afternoon with him. But as my emotions would have it, they were very close to the surface that morning and as soon as he walked in, they refused to be stifled much.
We made it thru brunch, which was lovely. It was good to see each other and I could see he just wanted things to be light. I really did too. I tried to be strong. His suit consisted of pretty much the first things he tried on from the first store we entered in Madison Park and it was gorgeous and perfect and such a deal. We even picked out sweet cuff links. We found the perfect tie downtown that was almost exactly what I'd envisioned. The last stop was Red Light back on the hill so I could get some shiny white gloves and that was that. Three hours had gone in a flash and I spent most of it wishing quietly in my head, trying to keep my emotions in check, and when I wasn't succeeding, holding onto him and trying to understand why we weren't together.
I was kind of pathetic.
He was very patient.
Until he wasn't.
Not his fault - I pushed for answers he couldn't provide once we pulled up to my house where I just should've said a sweet goodbye, given him a hug and gotten out of the car. But no. I had to say more, like I hadn't said ALL the words I could think of already because for some reason, I thought maybe if I found another way to tell him or show him how much I loved him and he realized how much he loved me, he'd see he was ready, he could be in this with me. And the tears! God.. where does all the water come from? No wonder Jake was frustrated and unable to say anything new and trying really hard to maintain his own composure.
I walked in the house and let myself cry it out - um.. for a couple of hours. Tho I was completely exhausted by the time I got to my show at Annex that night, I was grateful for the distraction and FINALLY, somewhere in the middle of the show, things eased up on my chest and it didn't hurt so much. I could breathe! I could laugh! And I sighed for relief that this was a really awful day - but I think I'd made it thru the worst part AND LIVED!
Sunday had me feeling like ok.. I will get thru this now and yes, it's sad, but he's still in my life and that's something positive. I also found a little more acceptance that it's more than likely he won't find his way back to me. And, even if we could manage that, the relationship we had is still over. We won't ever have the same relationship, which is a good thing because by the end of it, it was such a struggle - tho of course, it was really the happiest I've ever been in my life and that's saying something.
I ran around the city doing lots of errands and my spirts just felt much brighter. I was looking forward to some time with The Artist's new girlfriend, MJ, who was coming with me to see Sunday In The Park With George. The free tickets were courtesy of L'il Peach, Boz' girlfriend, who works at a bigger local theatre, which is nice that we have that world in common. I'd never seen it, but had heard much about it - mainly that it was about being an artist - and of course, loving that artist. Couldn't be more perfect right?
Once the show started, both MJ and I were immediately fascinated. The state-of-the-art tech effects transformed the whole museum-like setting on stage into a giant canvas with animated bits and it was simply magical. Seriously, it took our breath away.
The story? Um.. closer to home there. The entire first act is about a very dedicated artist - and the woman who loves him just as passionately - but he clearly makes no room for her and she can only feel in the way for so long before she finds the strength to leave.
Yup. Awesome.. as in cried the ENTIRE time.
The second act shifts to 100 years later and takes place in 1984. This was easier to get thru, but the connection remained and we were still tearing up at the end. It was incredibly moving and beautiful.
I raved to Jake about it the next day including everything it brought up for me. It stayed with me - the fact that creating art takes so much dedication and passion - and I was grateful to share that world with him even if we're not in the same portions of it.. We both love it, are driven by it - he certainly has more at stake than I do and it makes me really proud that I've been steeped in that life with him, even if only for less than a year.
So upwards and onwards, right? Let's test it with SEAF: one crazy and sexy event where I will be with some of my favorite friends and favorite now-ex-boyfriend. Yeah - I know - brilliant. Certainly not the best plan I've ever had. My stomach's in knots and my emotions that had been so good about finding other things to do this week have now risen closer to the surface. I'm challenging them to find Hope and Happiness and Love when he walks thru my door tonight so I can smile easily and joyfully - feeling no weight of what we are not any longer - and just enjoy myself and the time we have together.
Breathing helps..
A lot has happened in the last 12 months. This time last year I was grieving over a relationship that had been more dysfunctional than happy, I'd thrown myself into the theater community where I would meet wonderfully talented people who will probably always be a part of my life and renewed a passion for this art I cherish.. and I fell in love so powerfully, so completely that I discovered a freer and happier side of myself. I saw that in how he saw me. I've never felt so beautiful and so loved before.
I know now how strong I am. I know what's worth fighting for and that I fight for the right reasons, but I really hope over the coming year I don't have to continue to fight that hard. It's exhausting. Still, it's good to know what I'm capable of. It feels badass.. like I'm the Dirty Harry of Hope.. but you know, not as sweaty.
So here's to love for all of us.. the complete kind, the good kind, the best kind. And to this blog - and myself - a pat on the back for another year well spent living in that love as much as possible.
