I went for a walk today during my lunch break. It was sunny and warm with a slight breeze. Kind of the perfect day.. and despite the gorgeous smells of flowers and freshly cut grass and feeling the sun on my face, I couldn't make myself walk any faster than a leisurely pace. I couldn't find the energy for a smile for the dog-walkers and joggers who passed by. I kept noticing the stress in my forehead and thought of my friend Nic, a close friend who died while we were both in college, when he reached over one day and literally pressed out the wrinkle between my brows and told me to relax. I hadn't realized I was doing it. I tried to press it out myself today. I also noticed that I was taking these occasional deep breaths and big sighs. Fatima explained, when my stepfather was in the hospital, why he had a respirator even tho he could breathe on his own. It was because when your body is that injured, shallow breaths take over and your body doesn't naturally take in enough oxygen. Today, I could relate.
The break up sunk in today. The feeling that something is definitely broken. I have plenty of moments where I'm not feeling so down, but today it bordered on the crazy.. you know that feeling after a break up that seems so confusing - at least for me, I go thru tears and frustration, questions that aren't really answerable or are completely irrational. And Jake got the brunt of it.
It's not that I feel badly or apologetic for my behavior - I did apologize, but only because I saw what I was doing and couldn't stop myself and it wasn't making the situation between us easier. He understood and was extremely patient. He couldn't answer my questions very directly tho he tried as honestly as he could and he knew he didn't make me feel much better.
But you can't sit around crying all damn day or worrying about the future when you have no idea which way things will end up.. right round - or wrong.. and I'm so over it - being miserable. I don't know how much time he needs, I don't know how we will change once that time passes.. I'm trying really hard not to live in the unknown because that place is awful. I realized today I just have to process the grief and find a way to be ok without him even tho I don't want to admit we're over for good. We still talk - tho at some point, more space will be necessary - he's bad at taking that as well.. but it will just add to the confusion if we don't and my friends are for days like today. To tell me I sound a little psycho or bi-polar.. but they understand that's just normal for this situation. I don't want him to see me going thru the process - it's ugly as all get out. I just hope the light we see in each other manages to keep us connected thru the worst parts that we're feeling now.
Call me ridiculous.. but I'm keeping my fingers crossed.
3 comments:
Cheery thoughts your way. It does gets better, but slowly. You just have to trust in the process. And I remember from my breakup, friends are essential.
Viva La Devylish!
How bizzare. I come on to your blog for the first time in ages and just like we seemed to start up relationships at about the same time, uncertainty seems to be hitting at the same time too.
I'm hanging in there at the moment but am increasingly convinced it's not going to work out, at least, it's not working right now and there is only so long we can spend in denial. Really sorry to hear you're one step further but honestly I think you chose the right word when you said "strength". Bizarre, I've been single most of my life but I can't find it.
buzzdome: Thank you sugar.. I know.. I'm waiting for 'better' to arrive. Hopefully it will be in an unbreakable package, maybe surrounded in money. That would be fancy. :)
b: I think you'll find that strength - I didn't think I had it either. And honestly, it didn't feel strong making the decision either. You know when you have to do it. I hope you won't have to tho.. it's kinda sucky. Sending hugs and hope to you sugar.. xo
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