Missing Piece

There's only so much you can do when you've reached The Impasse with the person you love. You can try to fix it, talk til the wee hours - thru tears and meaningful words until your eyes are all puffy and red - frequently and often, provide patience and understanding.... But if you want the relationship because you want him and he wants you but isn't sure about the relationship - then stop. Just stop. How can he figure out if he wants a relationship while trying to be in one? Even sort of almost in one, or whatever we are/were..? He can't. You can't. It's not helping, I said, this limbo, for either of us.

So I found the strength to let him go. For weeks/months/...? For now at least.. I can't think further than that because I don't want to.

Go. Be yourself. Don't fight it so much. Don't try so hard to figure it out. That's too much pressure. Just be you.. without me. Maybe that's what you're supposed to do..

I'm committed to two projects at his theatre - one in May and one in June. I will see him. He will see me. We will be good to each other thru this and I have to hope we'll come out the other side somewhere positive. Hopefully together.

Honestly, I don't know..

I realized yesterday that all my boyfriends and I have always had some sort of pet name for each other. Jake and I never found anything we easily gravitated to. We were always 'love'. From the beginning it was always 'Hi love!' or 'Morning love!' in our emails or texts or words. I know it's silly to hang on that, but he's my love and I'm his. To me, it said everything we needed. Everything we were.. are.. shit.

I feel in my heart we belong to each other.. I think he feels that too. I have to believe it'll work out eventually.. but right now, it just feels like hell.