Breathing In & Counting Down

I think I had my first breakthrough last Friday. I woke up and realized a week from that morning I'd be in the airport waiting for my plane to carry me away to the Spanish coast.. and I got nervous. In a good way. The last time I felt anything other than something anxious and sad was almost half a year ago now.. or ok, more actually. It was good to be excited about something I'm doing just for me and it feels like even tho I can't guarantee my heart will be healed the moment I land or even after I come home, it's finally on the right track.

I ran into some of the people from the theatre tonight unexpectedly and whatever I felt last week kind of went away in oh.. an instant. I stayed for 45 minutes because I went out for a friend's birthday, but the whole time I was trying to figure out how to make time go faster so I could get my ass out of there. It's still too soon. It's still fresh. How crazy is that? A friend and I went to a concert yesterday and he drove right by the theatre, something I always avoid because Boy is often standing outside with his other people. So of course, we drove by and I had to look. I've done this often and he's never been there, which I was hoping.. but not this time. There he was, not aware of me of course, looking scruffy and not in any way amazing.. but it was still him and I wished for that second, in that moment I knew I hadn't seen him for three months, that I could've waved and he could've been happy to see me. But he wouldn't have because we aren't those people right now. And for the next five minutes, I had to breathe thru my anxiety and ache of missing him.

Not tonight. I just got in the car and let it out as it happened, talked to a friend.. tried to talk myself thru it, turned on the Daily Show.. but fuck.. it still hurts. I still miss him. I still have moments I completely lose it - not often anymore, but running into his friends.. wow.. it's close enough. They'll say something to him and I wonder how he'll feel. He has a new girlfriend he's in love with, however temporary.. and I have.. well, I have Spain.

Yes! Ok! I know, I know.. don't cry for me, Argentina, right? I know it's going to be amazing. It won't keep me warm at night, not on a regular basis anyway, but yeah, it's not going to suck. I have so much left to do, so much work to hand off at the office, laundry, last minute errands, uh.. PACKING.. and here I am blogging instead because I feel I have to have a 60 minute pity party for myself over someone I haven't let go of who said he didn't want to date someone he worked with at the theatre and later, couldn't choose love because he had so many other things pulling his focus he needed to concentrate on and then started dating someone he worked with and said he was probably in love with her.

Yeah.. Spain is sounding really good right now. Think I'll head there.. maybe in two days even. Fuck crying. I'm going here:

The Days Go By

As much as I want to write, sometimes I find it hard to put into words what I'm doing and thinking because it doesn't feel that eventful.. that recovered. It changes a lot. I'll have a very good week filled with new friends and social activities that keep me out til the wee hours for days at a time. I'll see my counselor and feel like things are really improving. Then I wake up on a Saturday, email a friend who's contacted me after years of falling by the wayside and in catching up with that person, I feel the emotions again rise to the surface and I wonder what happened to that self-assured girl I was yesterday because after talking about it, it seems hard to shake and face forward.

The sun is shining brightly today. It's probably one of the last gorgeous days of a straggling summer and I have errands to run, shopping for Barcelona to do, and a birthday party to attend. I even have a sweet man to meet after that who's unexpectedly become a contender for my affections and he's older than me! Improvement right there!

The apartment painting has taken a back seat to getting out of the house be it for a walk in my neighborhood while the weather is still favorable or making time with friends before I leave for my trip. There's certainly been a lot of drinking, but combined with getting back to regular workouts at the gym - not on the same day usually - I fall asleep a lot faster and deeper and my dreams don't fill themselves with the past. And honestly, meeting friends or attractive men at a bar brings a lot more smiles to my face than I've had in a long time so whatever gets me through I think.. I also get to know a lot of bartenders. Not a bad thing at all. I just have to keep in mind the gay ones are best because dating a bartender is never a good idea. Flirting is completely ok tho.

I feel myself moving in different circles of people. Everyone shifts here and there and my friends in the usual group seem to have lots going on. Most of them just returned from Burning Man which I skipped this year in lieu of Europe and man, do I ever regret that. Not the Europe part but not planning for the possibility of doing both. I logged onto the live feed in the middle of the last week and could see the entire playa, center camp, some art installations and I ached to be back there with all of them. It felt so familiar, so homey. It's why when you drive up to the winding line of RVs waiting to get in you see signs saying 'Welcome home!' and you breathe a breath of 'fresh' playa chalky air because you are home. I'm hoping next year there'll be trip to Italy in the spring with one of my girlfriends and then Burning Man at the end of August. I don't know if I can miss it again. Maybe I am a burner after all, just a little more on the inside than most.

And in the same shifts as I mentioned, a couple of old friends from BC have found me online and we've started to catch up. Vancouver used to be our getaway, our party place in my 20's. I fell in love there, I've partied for days at a time, and had a core group I used to hang out with that mostly constituted of these amazing men who'd known each other for a long time and were actually so affectionate with each other like I've never seen straight men be before. They just loved each other, looked out for one another like brothers and tho they were still figuring out themselves and their directions, they never lost sight of that. I don't know many men here like that at all and I've so missed those connections. It seems a lot of them have children now and it's changed their world. It's interesting to see as most of them don't have the traditional relationships that children and family would come with, but then again, they never did travel the standard routes like everyone else. I rather admire that about them and I see a trip up that way after Barcelona. Pictures will follow I'm sure.

Ok, the day is already half over and I need to get out of the house in this gorgeous weather. But as someone requested, I do want to write more and I'll certainly try. It doesn't do me well to remain introspective and introverted all the time. It's not me at all so thanks for reminding me. I need that these days. Hope you all are finding your happy in today..

My List Of Distractions

Thought it was time for a list tonight..

* First, I spent the weekend being apart of the Michael Jackson flash mob in Seattle. You might recognize me.. looking like THE hugest dork in the fucking world.. figuratively AND literally.. like hi - did I put on 15 pounds?! Gah. But that's ok cuz I'm on youtube looking like that huge dork and that's completely acceptable apparently. Then I searched youtube and watched every possible flash mob there was I think. And there are A LOT! Check out the Michael Jackson tribute in Hollywood.

* I actually met a bunch of awesome people from the above point who will probably become really good new friends. That never sucks.

* On the same note of sponataneous fun, you have to appreciate what this guy is doing. Improv Everywhere has done the flash mobs and pranks and even just a high five everyone you pass by. Like, what kind of awesomeness is that?! The blue links on the right side of his site are his past pranks. Check out the Ben Folds Fake, the Synchronized Swimming, the Human Mirror and tho you've probably seen it, the Frozen Grand Central. I also like the Mp3 Experiment Still amazing.

* I had two different dreams last night that involved people who are no longer in my life. One was the ex - nothing romantic or sad about it, we were just running away from bad people together.. in a building that was really complicated to get out of.. Wtf does that mean? And the other involved a former female friend who, out of no where, just kind of disappeared after telling me we'd arrived at the end of our rope.. or some other analogy like that I didn't quite understand after what I thought was a good four or five year friendship. And just like that, she was gone. But in my dream, she called me up out of the blue and the space she'd taken was still there, but we just went on from that like nothing had happened. She called to tell me about some cute store with a lingerie sale and we should go. I could hear her lovely voice all chipper on the other end, I could see her face. When she was happy and called me to include me in her day, I always felt a little extra special. Not many other women have had that effect on me. I loved everything about her. I miss her.

* An acquaintance told me today my eyes were two of the most beautiful she'd ever seen.

* And no. We did not make out after that. Thank you very much.

* After like 12 years of knowing each other, one of my first boyfriends in Seattle and I still have chemistry. It's interesting it's still there - especially since he's so over the line of metro dressing it's not even funny. Today I swear he looked like something out of a Backstreet Boys video, but we still love each other and he's awfully sweet and endearing sometimes. It's nice to feel special to someone after that long.

* I finally found the right color for my kitchen. Realizing the greens I'd picked out weren't going to work, I had to change my palette design completely. Red on the cupboards added a large touch of crazy I couldn't live with so those will now just be a clean white and the walls a bright and light sunny yellow. Warm and inviting even for its small size. Now, I just have to get going on that, then the bathroom and then the bedroom. The goal of getting it all done by the time I leave for Barcelona on the 25th seems a bit daunting and impossible, but we'll see. Thanks to Cupcake, Eight's fiancée for spending time with me last week and helping me pick out just the right colors.

* A lot of my close friends have left for Burning Man for the week. It's really kind of sad to miss it this year. It would've been my third in a row and with as much money as we spent last year doing it up right and comfortably, it was certainly worth it, but my ticket to Spain round trip was cheaper. I couldn't justify doing both nor did I have the time off. But I know they'll have a fantastic time and maybe I'll join them next year or another camp. I know we all have to experience our own adventures and Spain is looking like my transitional point of the year.

* Netflix. I love watching every movie I'd be embarrassed to pay $10 for or watching a whole HBO/Showtime series (sooo can't wait til the next season of The Tudors.. helllooo!) or the ones Boy couldn't manage to see with me because there was suddenly no room for date nights because theater took up our lives, his life.. and I was left alone. So you know what? Fuck theater these days. I have movies. Next up is Frost/Nixon and I'm practically salivating waiting for it to arrive on Wednesday.

* I love writing to this girl. She's smart and pretty and funny and she's been super helpful and inspiring to me. She also talks with a very lovely accent I'm sure even tho I've never heard it in person and that makes her even awesomer. She has a very strong shoulder I've been leaning on quite often and she never complains or makes me feel even the slightest bit silly even tho she's a kajillion miles away and really can't do anything for me except say very nice things, which she does all the time. I hope one day we can meet for real and have many drinks and eat chocolate together. I think our cats would make the best of friends and her mom would make me pies and I would be 400 pounds. I mean.. whatever. It'd be great.

* I'm learning Spanish little by little. Boris convinced me to forego the expensive Rosetta Stone purchase for the online download of Coffee Break Spanish. And let me tell you - it's fucking genius. And free! I love free, don't you? So the best things: first, it's in 15 minute increments so you don't get bored and you can do it in the morning while you're getting ready for work like I have been and puttering around making coffee and feeding Ms. Kitty, etc. Second, the host is Scottish. It doesn't seem to affect his Spanish accent at all and I actually love listening to him go back and forth in both languages so I'm really developing my Scottish accent for any random acting I may want to do in the future (as if!) and learning the Spanish basics as well. Plus, and this is the best part, the intro song is sung by Ricki Martin! Ok, ok it's probably not.. but it definitely channels La Vida Loca in all it's rhythmic dancing glory. Seriously, if you don't want to go to Spain after the first five lessons, you haven't been listening. I'm up to lesson 11 and I'm not amazing or anything, but I'm better than I was!

* When a 22-year-old former Mormon thinks you're hot.. there's nothing better. I mean, seriously..

That's all I got for now.