Breathing In & Counting Down

I think I had my first breakthrough last Friday. I woke up and realized a week from that morning I'd be in the airport waiting for my plane to carry me away to the Spanish coast.. and I got nervous. In a good way. The last time I felt anything other than something anxious and sad was almost half a year ago now.. or ok, more actually. It was good to be excited about something I'm doing just for me and it feels like even tho I can't guarantee my heart will be healed the moment I land or even after I come home, it's finally on the right track.

I ran into some of the people from the theatre tonight unexpectedly and whatever I felt last week kind of went away in oh.. an instant. I stayed for 45 minutes because I went out for a friend's birthday, but the whole time I was trying to figure out how to make time go faster so I could get my ass out of there. It's still too soon. It's still fresh. How crazy is that? A friend and I went to a concert yesterday and he drove right by the theatre, something I always avoid because Boy is often standing outside with his other people. So of course, we drove by and I had to look. I've done this often and he's never been there, which I was hoping.. but not this time. There he was, not aware of me of course, looking scruffy and not in any way amazing.. but it was still him and I wished for that second, in that moment I knew I hadn't seen him for three months, that I could've waved and he could've been happy to see me. But he wouldn't have because we aren't those people right now. And for the next five minutes, I had to breathe thru my anxiety and ache of missing him.

Not tonight. I just got in the car and let it out as it happened, talked to a friend.. tried to talk myself thru it, turned on the Daily Show.. but fuck.. it still hurts. I still miss him. I still have moments I completely lose it - not often anymore, but running into his friends.. wow.. it's close enough. They'll say something to him and I wonder how he'll feel. He has a new girlfriend he's in love with, however temporary.. and I have.. well, I have Spain.

Yes! Ok! I know, I know.. don't cry for me, Argentina, right? I know it's going to be amazing. It won't keep me warm at night, not on a regular basis anyway, but yeah, it's not going to suck. I have so much left to do, so much work to hand off at the office, laundry, last minute errands, uh.. PACKING.. and here I am blogging instead because I feel I have to have a 60 minute pity party for myself over someone I haven't let go of who said he didn't want to date someone he worked with at the theatre and later, couldn't choose love because he had so many other things pulling his focus he needed to concentrate on and then started dating someone he worked with and said he was probably in love with her.

Yeah.. Spain is sounding really good right now. Think I'll head there.. maybe in two days even. Fuck crying. I'm going here: