The Days Go By

As much as I want to write, sometimes I find it hard to put into words what I'm doing and thinking because it doesn't feel that eventful.. that recovered. It changes a lot. I'll have a very good week filled with new friends and social activities that keep me out til the wee hours for days at a time. I'll see my counselor and feel like things are really improving. Then I wake up on a Saturday, email a friend who's contacted me after years of falling by the wayside and in catching up with that person, I feel the emotions again rise to the surface and I wonder what happened to that self-assured girl I was yesterday because after talking about it, it seems hard to shake and face forward.

The sun is shining brightly today. It's probably one of the last gorgeous days of a straggling summer and I have errands to run, shopping for Barcelona to do, and a birthday party to attend. I even have a sweet man to meet after that who's unexpectedly become a contender for my affections and he's older than me! Improvement right there!

The apartment painting has taken a back seat to getting out of the house be it for a walk in my neighborhood while the weather is still favorable or making time with friends before I leave for my trip. There's certainly been a lot of drinking, but combined with getting back to regular workouts at the gym - not on the same day usually - I fall asleep a lot faster and deeper and my dreams don't fill themselves with the past. And honestly, meeting friends or attractive men at a bar brings a lot more smiles to my face than I've had in a long time so whatever gets me through I think.. I also get to know a lot of bartenders. Not a bad thing at all. I just have to keep in mind the gay ones are best because dating a bartender is never a good idea. Flirting is completely ok tho.

I feel myself moving in different circles of people. Everyone shifts here and there and my friends in the usual group seem to have lots going on. Most of them just returned from Burning Man which I skipped this year in lieu of Europe and man, do I ever regret that. Not the Europe part but not planning for the possibility of doing both. I logged onto the live feed in the middle of the last week and could see the entire playa, center camp, some art installations and I ached to be back there with all of them. It felt so familiar, so homey. It's why when you drive up to the winding line of RVs waiting to get in you see signs saying 'Welcome home!' and you breathe a breath of 'fresh' playa chalky air because you are home. I'm hoping next year there'll be trip to Italy in the spring with one of my girlfriends and then Burning Man at the end of August. I don't know if I can miss it again. Maybe I am a burner after all, just a little more on the inside than most.

And in the same shifts as I mentioned, a couple of old friends from BC have found me online and we've started to catch up. Vancouver used to be our getaway, our party place in my 20's. I fell in love there, I've partied for days at a time, and had a core group I used to hang out with that mostly constituted of these amazing men who'd known each other for a long time and were actually so affectionate with each other like I've never seen straight men be before. They just loved each other, looked out for one another like brothers and tho they were still figuring out themselves and their directions, they never lost sight of that. I don't know many men here like that at all and I've so missed those connections. It seems a lot of them have children now and it's changed their world. It's interesting to see as most of them don't have the traditional relationships that children and family would come with, but then again, they never did travel the standard routes like everyone else. I rather admire that about them and I see a trip up that way after Barcelona. Pictures will follow I'm sure.

Ok, the day is already half over and I need to get out of the house in this gorgeous weather. But as someone requested, I do want to write more and I'll certainly try. It doesn't do me well to remain introspective and introverted all the time. It's not me at all so thanks for reminding me. I need that these days. Hope you all are finding your happy in today..