Unanonymous

Sometimes I wish I'd started this blog for the right reasons.. well, ok, scratch that. I did. I started it for me. To work thru things, to be who I wanted, have my own sense of grammar where I made myself laugh at the dumb things I did or said and didn't take myself too seriously. When I first started, I think I definitely took myself too seriously.. and I made blogging mistakes and soon learned being on the fancypants interweb that there is a sense of etiquette even if you're mad at someone you'll never talk to again.. because you might make up. Or, if there's no making up to be had, people could use the words you wrote on said fancypants interweb against you somehow. Of course, it would've helped had I started it anonymously in the first place.

But I didn't. And I did it that way to keep myself accountable. To myself. For me at least, in order to be genuine, you had to know me. Know more than just my relationships thru made up code names and tho I never talked a lot about my day jobs really, it's because they never identified me anyway. They just gave me a reason to feel like a contributing member of society. But with my words and creating them here, I could hone a personality that literally put anything I wanted 'out there' but I forced myself to just be as real as possible because I honestly don't know any other way to be. I could pretend, but it's actually harder to do and the writing would be so forced.

So I'm just me. As I try to be in Real Life. I write what I live and hope it's not boring as all get out because no one wants to read drivel like that. I try to be true to myself and recognize that as I'm getting older, I'm calming down, maturing from this little girl I used to be, and I'm happier with who I've become. I'm not done figuring things out by any means.. it's just nice to feel more settled with who I am.

That said, sometimes things are boring. Sometimes they're so challenging, it's hard to write them out again because I don't want to relive them.. or so much has happened it'd take 20 posts to explain it all and that seems daunting. And sometimes there are just random things that don't seem to go together, kind of like now, and I just write and hope it all ties together.

This weekend, I came home tipsy at 3am from the closing night party of the last show I stage managed and I felt it was time. It really didn't take that long to write, but from start to finish, I summarized most of the last year and then said I didn't understand why we hadn't done this already, after all I thought we'd meant to each other. I said I hoped we could figure out how we might be able to reconnect and be friends someday.. and off that email went to The Boy.

I don't regret it. It needed to happen. It's been almost a year since we've seen each other face to face and I actually knew it would take this long. And of course, I hadn't written something like that before to prove I was stronger than that pull he had on me and because once you send it, you're only waiting for the response and I didn't want to be that girl. So I waited til I knew not only was I stronger, but my heart was healed and I wouldn't live or die based on whether he wrote me back or not.. And no, I'm not dead, of course, and it barely crossed my mind today til I thought about writing and I realized I haven't received any response. And it's fine. But there's that teeny part of me.. that part only I can tell is still there like a scar that if you press it, you can still feel the memory of the hurt..

I wrote Carmen to catch her up on most of the things happening lately as well because life has ramped up and I've been busy with the theater and taking on some big company roles, which is pretty thrilling.. but I thought maybe soon I could come down to visit her while getting in some time with my mom. Since it's been some time since Carmen and her family have had to absorb that I'm the daughter Carmen gave up for adoption and would like to know her, I asked if maybe I could meet two of the four half-siblings I have who live in the area. And for some reason I expected that with a couple of months, they would be just as curious as I was to meet and connect with them.. but it turns out, not so much. They really have no interest in meeting me at all.. at least not right now. It's weird to feel disappointed and also apathetic at the same time. I don't know them so it doesn't seem like a huge deal.. until I put some thought into it and then not ever having siblings who look like me or have any blood relation before, I'm excited by the idea - but I also don't allow myself to hope that of complete strangers. They're so virtual it doesn't hurt.. but the rejection of meeting me does, if that makes any sense at all and I'm not sure it does.

I could start over - another blog that is. Where no one knows me and try another voice and another approach, but it wouldn't be me. I don't hide much of anything and eventually a similar personality would appear if anyone cared to compare them.. not that anyone would. But sometimes, I envy the moments where I know others can do and say anything with no consequences to face going from the virtual world to the Real Life them. But I just don't know how to do that. I want to connect by being real even in this computer-generated circle because I'm a connector in Real Life too. Even if the boyfriend of almost a year lets another whole year pass by in complete silence after we're over, I wonder why that much space is necessary and feel like being friends would be worthwhile. And, even if it's not an instant family reunion after finding my bio mom, I still want to see if some sense of family might come out of it.

I could've let The Boy continue to think I'm invisible, but I was over letting time pass without knowing each other to some degree. I could've done the same thing with Carmen. Not ask to meet her or not care if my siblings aren't ready to know me.. but I don't know how to live anonymously like that. I don't know how to give up or prevent it from effecting me, no matter how mature I get. It won't destroy me, but it certainly challenges a spark in me to stay lit when it wants to fade and give up. So I keep trying. I speak up. I say how I feel when I feel it. I try to act like a grown up when dealing with difficult situations. And I want last year's ick to be so far buried under the good that's created from working at things like these situations so I keep reaching out and hoping the connections I'm trying to make are reciprocated and stick.. and if they're not or if they don't, well.. I know I was as authentic as I can be.

It's risky - the fact that I don't hide much and you can find a lot about me here.. sometimes saying it way too loudly in caps and over-emphasized with too many swear words.. trying to extend myself with those who I think matter, but might not think the same of me.. but that's the point. It's where it gets interesting. I just can't blend into the crowd. The attention whore in me won't allow that especially when there's just no challenge in being anonymous. No one knows who that is. I like the challenge of being myself because I think that girl kind of rocks.

List-less

I don't think I've made a list in a while.. or talked to those cute girls in the UK who I adore and who's blogs I've neglected (they know who they are) and those girls were the ones who were always my listy inspirations. But I saw this list on another blog called Employment FAIL - which you should also read because why? Wayyy funnier than me - but they didn't create the list either so I had to steal it because helloooo.. funniest thing I've seen since oh.. being unemployed in January. And that's saying a lot. Not that there's been a lot to laugh about, tho Karma has been a helping hand lately and not kicking me while I'm down, but here I am, laughing, feeling good and feeling listy. So let's get to it.

Um.. I may have also stolen the post idea from one of Employment FAIL's guest bloggers. Hey, I never said unemployment provided any extra creativity or anything.. just time to think, wow.. I'm so not creative right now. Thus.. here we are. So.

Things I've learned since being unemployed:

1. Mangos are really really good. And only 99 cents at Trader Joe's right now. I personally think that's a bargain for a little Hawaii (or wherever they come from.. I suck at geography) in your mouth.

2. Miss Emma Kitty seems happier with me around more. Not that she notices when I'm not because she'd be sleeping for 8-10 hours, but still.

3. There's way too much traffic at 5pm. What is UP with that?!

4. I have really bad circulation. You know how I figured this out? HOURS of SITTING on my kitchen stool being 'productive' on the laptop by looking for work. And I say it that way because if the people paying $12 an hour would even return my resume submissions, maybe there'd be some hope.. but it's been pretty bleak. Why isn't there an internet cafe in my apartment in a cushier place? Oh right.. there is. It's called THE COUCH, which I avoid because the threat of napping my troubles away doesn't usually work even tho a nap always sounds better than looking for a stupid job.

5. Ok.. jobs are not stupid. They just don't seem to be lining up at my door. Stupid empty line.

6. Not worrying every second about money and bills for the moment is nice.

7. What isn't nice? Poopy diapers.. but over not working at all, I'll take it.

8. Nannying may not be the ideal job for me, however, to get paid for playing trains or super heroes or laughing while a 1-year-old climbs all over you giggling? Yeah.. doesn't suck. 180 degrees less stressful than any office job I can think of.

9. Not all floss is made the same. Do not, I repeat DO NOT, save yourself a measly dollar by purchasing the Target brand Glide floss.. seriously not as good. Splurge the extra buck and get the real thing. I love me some good Tar-zsay deals.. don't get me wrong, but here, I'm forced to draw the line. You are welcome.

10. Happy hour is awesome and you lucky full-time employed people just can't enjoy it like the rest of us. I'm sad for you.

11. I do end up drinking a lot more. Friends take me out, cute boys, etc. Is this good for me? Probably not.. but due to too many drinks more often than not at 100 calories a glass at least, it does make me hit the gym a lot more often. I say that's a decent trade off.

12. That said, bartenders are good friends to have.

13. Shockingly, I can't seem to catch up with my Netflix queue or the dvr recordings waiting patiently for me. I have all the season finales I need however, I like that I haven't been spending my free time in front of the tv. I've been making theater, being creative, fostering it in others actually.. and that's all kinds of awesome.

14. And looking for work is a given. It's just frustrating, like everyone who's unemployed knows. You keep looking for a needle in a haystack, something that speaks to you, something challenging, and which you might have a chance at that 3000 other people aren't qualified for, but you, of course, are. I keep doing it because I have to keep hoping. You have to keep trying. I want to work. I think it's human nature to want to contribute.. but do you wait for the right thing or take whatever might be available? You can't even bus tables without sending a resume and I haven't worked in a restaurant in probably 12 years. How can I be both under and over-qualified for that? Sigh.. I honestly don't know.

15. I've at least found one new direction. Yours truly, besides being a fantastic bosser-arounder, actually has a good eye with seeing what works and what doesn't in theater. The Boy sometimes made me think I didn't because he was also good at what he knew and rather self-absorbed.. but being outside his world and creating my own has made me feel stronger in my own opinion. I've been allowed to move around autonomously a bit in this current show and I've received a ton of positive feedback regarding how I relate and work with this cast. Maybe it's a fluke, but I'm hoping I can shadow the projects of some of the directors I know eventually. I'm kind of excited about those possibilities.

16. Also, if you aren't watching Modern Family, may I ask you WHY NOT?! Have you seen the episode where they all go to Hawaii?! I mention too much that I went to college with Ty Burrell and that he's the nicest guy ever. I don't harass him or anything (simply because I don't have his email), but honestly, it's the funniest thing on tv. True story.

17. Ok ok and tho it seems like I'm watching tv a lot after saying I wasn't, here's the best new equation: Betty White + SNL = OhMYGod! The Delicious Dish muffin sketch? Unbelievable! Not to mention Ana Gasteyer and Molly Shannon are in it too.. but if you haven't seen it, Hulu that asap!

18. I'm an awesome person, a kick ass friend, a great employee (when I'm not late), and an even better stage manager. I struggled with believing these things at the beginning of the year because people - and by that I mean a lot of them - told me otherwise. That's a large weight to process especially when you're still filtering a wounded heart you think you'll never get over and the loss of other people who simply choose not to be in your life any longer. It's nice to know that the numbers who believe in me well outnumber those who don't.. and the negative perspective may not change, but it doesn't effect me like it did a few months ago because the positive feedback just keeps coming my way and unsolicited, I might add. But honestly, I know I lost who I was. I saw that happen, but I couldn't stop it because sometimes you just have to be sad. And now, that super strong and happy girl has finally, FINALLY returned.. and she's even better than I remembered.

My Kind Of Math: Sun + Karma + Blogversary = Happy!

Today could not possibly be more gorgeous. The weather is perfect - a very warm 65 degrees that knocked on my door this morning and beckoned me to come outside my funky victorian apartment with Miss Emma Kitty and absorb some of its magical rays. So we rolled out of bed to do so - after coffee first of course - and I dressed passably enough to not be in pajamas, by which I mean I put a bra on, put the t-shirt back on that I wore to bed and added some cute little cargo pants and some flips. I might've even brushed my hair.. I mean, I'm not completely white trash. Add a flamingo lawn ornament and maybe a mojito in my hand and I could be in a postcard you'd wish you were getting.

Today feels different than the rest of this week but I started to feel this sense of independence yesterday. I don't get it often. I'm not a girl who likes to be alone much. But I imagined a lazy morning, some sitting in the sun on my semi-porch (and thus since starting this post, have burnt my arms for being out so long. Note to self: at least spf 15 is required in this Global Warmed World even with my Mexican skintone. Gah.), a little cardio at the gym and then a night of stage managing the fun cast I've been working with on Poona the Fuckdog. And so far, it's good. I take this feeling when it happens. Sort of like the one I get when I just start cleaning. I don't stop myself because I get on this roll and it just feels good. So when I'm happy being alone, it's not only welcomed, but it's a relief knowing that I'm stronger than I realize sometimes. I'm fine on my own or dating or being out with a group of friends. It also might be that I'm finally letting go of the hurt and insecurity that came with the last heartbreak and that's a giant weight lifted.

I run into people associated with Boy's theater occasionally and sometimes they're weird and sometimes they're super cool depending on who they are. Leaving that world shook me. I thought I'd still be connected despite the break up and/or leaving the company, but I found that wasn't the case due to the fact most of those relationships weren't very real and maybe I wasn't all that well liked considering my boyfriend was the executive director and I guess people thought he was babying me. Who knows.. moreover.. who cares..

That said, not everyone is like that in the theater world and just making new connections and starting to feel refreshed is something positive. I'm considering auditioning again, tho I hate it - as do most actors - but if I get my shit together I could start to get a feel if I really do suck or if this is something I could at least do once in a while. Being a stage manager is good when I need a bossy kick.. but it's not very creative. I need an attention whore outlet once in a while, I have to admit, and it's been long overdue.

In the meantime, unemployed is what I still call myself since the nannying is just part-time and I'm not sure I'll continue it long-term. I require my own nap after looking after children all day.. and by all day I mean maybe six hours sometimes. It's a level of exhaustion I didn't expect - not that I don't adore them and their families, because I do, but you can't take your eyes off them for a second or they could fall down the stairs, blind themselves or a sibling with the tail of a plastic alligator, hit their chin on a table corner, fall off a stool.. I mean, dear God - they should be enveloped in bubble wrap for safety at all times in my opinion - tho I'm sure Children's Services would have something to say about that.. but it's just a suggestion.

Dating is still there.. some new options have made themselves known, but I'm not thinking about it too much or putting too much pressure on anyone. Maybe it's this gorgeous sun shining down on my face and making my freckles pop that inspires an extra boost of happy just in being with myself or just another girlfriend to make everything feel like it's working these days. I love the idea of finally letting last year go and even tho this one came with a rocky start, it seems that's how my years tend to begin so I should just know by the time spring arrives, everything will smooth itself out.

Speaking of which, tho I'm about a week late - it was the last day of April five years ago was when I began this blog. A lot has happened. I've grown up a bit, I think I was funnier then, but whatever - I'm all at the same time cockier and more self-deprecating. I'm not sure if there's a word for that other than perspective. I think I'm awesome, but yeah.. I'm a complete dork who makes a kajillion mistakes and I fall down a lot in public. It's a trade off. But overall? I'm happier, I feel good that I'm still here, still writing honestly and doing my best to be true to myself. I'm proud of that. And I hope you are too.. my FOUR readers. Hey, that's fine with me. I'm no prima donna, but I do love love.. so I'll take whatever I can get. Happy Blogversary to me!

As usual, please feel free to send wine or money.. or wine-flavored money.. whatever.