So.. I can't really write today.. I'm stealing again from Léonie, who's blog is one of many I adore.. She talks in bullet points quite often and very well.. tho I'm sure hers has an accent, but I think bullet points really can say it all.. don't you think?
Last week - Monday thru Thursday:
* Cried and cried and cried - no reason.. just, you know.. cried. Sort of a lot. Sort of a concerning amount..
* Tried to work, cuz you know.. I sort of have a job that pays me maybe to actually work and not to cry.
* Tried not to cry.
* Cried anyway.
* Went to the gym and didn't cry - twice! - unbelievably.
* Talked to the ex boy.. and tho there was no crying planned, cried nonetheless.. think amount of crying scared him.
* Made mental note not to call the ex when anywhere near crying state - and also thought, duh..
* Managed extremely heavy workload barely saving from making many a mistake until Thursday when..
* I was 5 minutes late to work and missed a very important conference call.
* Felt really awful. Like.. really.
* Email arrived from ex boy about nothing important but still..
* Suddenly tears.. and..
* Cried a river.. or maybe 4.
* Cried exponentially..
* Called doctor.
* Got prescription for happy pills after filling out lovely survey for depression.
* Took one - well.. 1/2 of one (1/2 being my regular dose).
Friday:
* Waited for happiness to commence.
* Waited some more..
* Um.. waited a bit longer..
* Ooh! Felt something! Ohhh.. sick.
* Felt really really sick... like, going-to-throw-up-any-second sick.
* Ow... um.. massive-pressure-in-head-and-vision-skewing sick.
* Thought of food - but then thought, ew.. sick.
* Called doctor and apparently, this was normal and I'd feel this way for about a week. Constantly. Oh yay.
Weekend:
* Much MUCH sun = much MUCH happy!
* Worked at my friend's bar, Liberty, twice and made lots of money! Whoo hoo! And also, had fun!
* Saw dumb Jason Mraz show with Abby - Jason Mraz wasn't dumb. He was actually very cute and very good at all stuff guitar, but whole set up was stupid.
* Wasn't nauseaus so I ate sometimes - yay!
* Felt normal and happy most of the time, surprisingly.
This Monday:
*Delirium of happy set on by frickin GORGEOUS day!
* HAPPYHAPPYHAPPY.. like.. really happy!
* Walked with Ironika and Jody after successful day of work - maintained happy. Yay!
* Ironika picked up my dress for Mom's wedding - discount on pretty rockin dress by pretty rockin friend = extra happy!
* Met ex boy for Mexican food (happy!) to update on sitch of new happy pills and catch up.
* Ate like food was scarce.
* Chatted and joked with boy.. both of us = happy.
* On way out, nausea returned.. overwhelmingly. It was very mad at Mexican food in tummy.
* Boy flirted - bad bad - and = me not so happy by calling him on it.
* Head not only in vice, but being fucked with.. unintentionally but still..
* Unruly nausea was soon joined by waterworks of unstoppable nature.
* Inbetween ick and tears, discussed with boy about our questionable future as friends.
* Discovered boy needs to figure out a few things for us to be friends - it's not just me.
* Many sad, frustrated, and concerned looks passed from him to me and from me to him.
* Talked a lot about how friend idea is hard and wierd and might take us pretty much forever.
* Ack! Dam.. broke.. somewhere in my eyes...
* FEMA somehow did not register this.
* Memorable quote on my part to boy, "No offense," pointing at ocean of tears coming from said category 5 broken eye dam, "but honestly, this is not all because of you.. I swear," and we both laughed a little despite ourselves.
* Went home extremely embarrassed and disheartened.
* Called Mom.
Tuesday:
* Woke up extremely embarrassed and disheartened.
* Showered.
* Cried.
* Cried more.. yes, I know.. you're completely shocked now.. like how am I not out of tears?
* Nausea returned again. Apparently, it has nothing better to do.
* Emailed Ironika explaining previous evening after I left her house.
* Ironika sent back email sufficient to be good kick in the ass, consoling and understanding all at same time.
* Boy emailed asking how I was..
* Tho appreciative, said worst of day had passed and let him know not to worry. I suggested a tad more space and time.
* He agreed, in a nice way.
* Made it thru work til 3pm when I couldn't take it anymore and left early due to understanding boss.
* Bought ice cream and went to lake with a friend.
* Sat under a stunning sun, soaked up rays during beautiful afternoon, talked with friend and suddenly realized I could feel nothing. At all.
* Poked at my mental stability.. no reaction.
* Returned home, napped, felt better.
* Got ready for first date - a little anxious but positive.
* Walked out locked door without keys.
* Said, "Crap," really loudly. Among other things.
* Called date, cancelled. Apologized profusely.
* Called landlord, left message.
* Bothered neighbors for useless screwdrivers.
* Landlord sent his mom with keys (she lives nearby).
* Went back in house, pouted.
* Made myself eat most of half an apple til full.
* I showed that nausea.. didn't I?
* Met friend for drink to avoid pouting and sudden lack of evening plans.
* Poked at mental stability before bed - same, practically comatose.
Today:
* Noticed auto-pilot still on.
* Couldn't be bothered to find 'off' switch.
* Tho not crying, literally could not smile if I tried.
* Apparently nausea works the same hours I do.
* Took break to post office and post office lady was so nice. I pretended cuz of her niceness.
* Talked to Megan (Told her I was at post office and sent her Christmas presents for her and her kids. Hey.. what's wrong with Christmas in April?) and smiled for first time today.
* Talked to Kari and described manic-ness that is me.
* Thought maybe I should work since I was at work.. and kind of almost succeeded.
* Talked to nurse about stalker nausea and woozy head and apathetic self that is unlike any self I recognized.
* Doctor called back, had brilliant idea to stop meds immediately and wait a week to start new kind. Said this one isn't working for me.
* I breathed sigh of relief and kept sarcastic comments to myself.
* Personality peeked out a bit later so I decided to maybe do some actual work and stayed late.
* Mom saw me online and instant messaged me even tho she barely knows how to use her computer.
* Out of no where and in relation to nothing we were talking about, she wrote, "I hope you start feeling better and know that I love you very much and that you'll always be my little girl."
* I paused.
* I felt.
* I did not cry. Technically.
* Decided just now to go home and celebrate me kicking nausea to curb. And maybe eat some ice cream.
Wednesday, April 26, 2006
Tuesday, April 18, 2006
I Liked The Font Ok??! Oh And Where Mom And I Bond.. Yes, Really!
So y'all are a bunch of whiners.. Yeah.. I said it. Whatcha gonna do? HUH?
You: I don't liiiiiiiiiiike your new font, Angel.. It's haaaaaaaard to reeeeeeeaaaaaad.. It huuuuurts my wittle eyyyyes...
Moi: Wah wah.. cry me a river people..
So fine.. y'all obviously don't want to challenge yourselves.. or risk a TINY bit of eye strain.. so I changed it back.. ok? Happy now??!
Sheesh..
Oh.. and my mom is so NOT a zillionaire.. by the way.. in case you were planning that big surprise marriage proposal to me. Yeah.. you can ditch that idea.. my invisible friend.. You'd have better luck with my mom. I hear she's accepting them all over the place.
My brother was apparently smoking crack.. or so my mom thinks when I asked her about the money..
Mom: WHAT did he say?? *laughing and in shock at the same time*
Moi: That you had *fill in blank with large sum of money and add many zeros here* dollars invested..
Mom: Um.. is your brother on drugs??! I do not have that kind of money.. Where did he get that idea?
Moi: Well.. if he's on drugs.. apparently from that. But no, I don't think he's on drugs, Mom. Delusional, yes. Drugs, not so much. But he said he helped you invest it.. no?
Mom: Please.. I do my own investing and it's not like your brother knows anything about that stuff..
Moi: Phew! I'm so glad you said that. I was really starting to think I didn't know him anymore..
That's basically how that went. Oh and my brother is like the biggest lying liar ev-er or completely thinking of someone else he helped invest much money with many zeros. I don't ask.. what's the point? He's married and his wife gets to look after him and all his (many) idiosyncrasies. Bless her.
Unless my mom is totally lying.............. Noooooo........... you think? Crap. I don't know.
Wanna hear the best part???! You DO! I KNOW you do! Ok. This isn't it, but it prefaces: I met the soon-to-be-step-father this last weekend and hey, he was pretty nice. Ok.. so far so good. He and Mom are actually cute.. a little gross, but cute nonetheless. They seem very happy and he doesn't seem like a serial killer OR a carnie! YAY! Glad I got that out of the way! I mean, it was awkward and Mom was very wrapped up in him and we didn't do much after I arrived on Saturday - just movie'd it all evening, which didn't make much time for talking, but I figured Sunday we'd have a little more time.
Um.. you know.. insert the usual 'Wrong!' here..
Sunday Mom invited our ENTIRE extended family on her side up for Easter dinner. When I say extended, I mean my cousin's half sister, my cousin's neighbor's children, my aunt's EX-step kids and her husband and their kids.. you get the picture? Two aunts and their families didn't even show! Can you imagine?? THEN if you throw in all the dogs, there were like 42 people, large, small, and furry occupying the kitchen, dining and living rooms. The children cried, threw fits, talkedtalkedtalkedtalkedtalkedohmyGOD.. we ate, MMMMM TURKEY.. and somewhere in the middle of that (this is the best part by the way), the step-dad-to-be's daughter and HER family showed up. They have SEVEN CHILDREN.. (I'll just let that sink in for a sec..) of which she kindly only brought three. Um.. she's 36.. you do the math (ok ok, I think this is the 2nd marriage for both of them, but if you leave that fact out it sounds way more shocking, right?).
So there we all are.. VASTLY uncomfortable.. and I'm trying to make conversation with them but not really wanting to. I'm more focused on seeing if I can dive into the mashed potatoes and sorta hide there... No such luck tho.
We were on the far side of the living room and Mom and Dale were on the far side of the dining room and this = not close, ok?? Mind you, there are like 26 zillion people inbetween - and she tried to get her dad's attention so she could say grace. I ask you.. grace? And you ask back.. um.. is that so bad? To which I reply, no.. not COMPARITIVELY to what happened LATER.. um.. no. But her dad couldn't hear her so she gave up and she forced her daughter to say it for her and the rest of them. And I was SOOOOO nice and VERY sweet (I was!) and I gently told her that she might have a hard time with that sort of thing on this side of the family cuz tho I thought some of them probably believed in God and all, they weren't particularly religious. But I tried to reassure her by saying I thought Mom was sort of getting back into it. And do you think she said, Oh.. that's good.. or, Oh, that's nice..?? No.. it went like this exactly:
Crazy soon-to-be-step-sister: Well, I should hope so because I don't want Dad to stop going to church just because, you know, he's getting married.
Moi: *??????????*
and I thought..
Moi: *WTF?! Are you the boss of him (yes, I totally regressed at that point, what of it?)? And oh yeah.. he looks just like the type of person who can't think for himself. I completely see why you'd be worried.*
But really I didn't say anything after that and just stared at my food.. seething.
And she added..
Crazy soon-to-be-step-sister: ..cuz MY girls go to Youth Group.
and I thought..
Moi: * 1) Wow, my condolences to your girls and 2) um.. so?*
Dinner being over, someone put in The Chronicles of Narnia for all the kids and for the zoning out adults (possibly me). Not long after it started, her husband, I'll call him Flanders for the purpose of this story, decides to pull me into conversation:
Flanders: *Very teacher-esque* So did you know this movie is a fable?
Moi: Excuse me?
Flanders: A fable.. based on the life of Jesus Christ.
Moi: *trying to keep from falling out of my chair in much shock*
and I say..
Moi: Oh.. um.. yeah.. I think I heard something about that.. *invisibly rolling my eyes*
but I THINK..
Moi: *WARNING! WARNING! Jesus freak approaching! And DUH.. cuz when the movie came out, that fact was sorta ALL OVER the news, tv, and radio.. but obviously I look like I've been living under a ROCK for a year so.. yeah, of course, I wouldn't know that.*
and, unbelievably.. he continues..
Flanders: Yes, well Aslan is God and the White Witch is the Devil.... *fades out cuz I can't hear him over my FREAKING OUT thoughts*
which are..
Moi: *OHMYGOD! Thank you SO much for pointing that out. Completely clueless here.. obviously.. good/evil, lion/witch - that was VERY confusing for me. Would've never guessed had you not helped me figure that out.. phew!* and *FOR ALL THAT IS GOOD AND SACRED.. PLEASE SHUT UP!*
But he went ON about C.S. Lewis and how most of his writings were very biblical in nature and that current scholars are actually trying to make them into something they're not - which he never explained, but really, that was ok by me cuz I just figured.. what, maybe they said they were just... stories?? I was nauseous, let's put it that way.
For the record, I'm spiritual. I believe in God, or a higher power, in my way.. I don't go to church or believe there is only one way to worship IF you want to worship OR believe at all and, if not, that's ok too.. so me and God? We're all good. But you people know.. I'm.. opinionated.. strongly.. and of all people to start preaching to.. you'd think maybe they would've picked up on the hairs standing up on the back of my neck.. and maybe thought.. oh.. um.. honey.. she doesn't like pushy religious types..
I'm just sayin.. I would never walk into a stranger's house - a stranger that is marrying into my family - and start wearing God all over me - or anything else controversially big for that matter - politics, abortion.. Satanism.. I mean.. hi.. what if I went to their house and just rearranged their furniture into the shape of a pentagram?? There is having strong beliefs.. and there is simply being inappropriate. This was certainly the latter and to be honest, I didn't appreciate it. She implied this marriage to MY mother might actually have some sort of negative affect over her father's ways and beliefs (at 62, please..) AAAND assumed that grace is something we even do in our house! We don't! Ok? And you know what? God is just fine with that. And hellooo.. do you not know what assuming does, lady? Yeah..
And the movie? Can it JUST be a movie? Please? Seriously, you could make God and the Devil in any good or bad character in any movie respectively. Tho when describing the scene to my 16-year-old cousin I saw later that night, she said I should've asked them if they'd seen Brokeback Mountain and if they knew who God and the Devil were in that movie..... evil little girl, that one. Love her.
And I left.. pouting. Mad at Mom cuz she hadn't spent one minute with me.. and, more to the point, we were going to be related by marriage to crazy know-it-all bible thumpers! God save us!
But it really bothered me so I called her yesterday night.. and you (uh.. Megan & Kari) won't believe it, but it was the first time ever that my mother and I had a good conversation.. where we really talked and she really listened - at least that I can remember. I told her it hurt to see her flitting around worried about everyone else's kids but her own - being everyone else's mom but mine.. that he should've tried harder to talk to us if the two of them weren't so tied to each other's hips all weekend.. and there was just too much family there. I mean, he was marrying into the family, sure, but the family of us is what Todd and I thought mattered most.. and no, it wasn't intentional, but it really kind of sucked.
And so she listened.. and she apologized.. and she meant it, shockingly enough.. and then we laughed and laughed over Dale's crazy daughter and her crazier husband and I suddenly realized I had an ally in my mother I didn't know existed.. and you know what? I stopped freaking out. I just felt calmer.. and I knew this marriage would be a good thing for my mom and my family.. and despite the occasional step-crazies we may have to reign in quick-like (cuz you know I will given a next time, kids).. it's all going to be fine.
I wish I could tell Dad he was right.
You: I don't liiiiiiiiiiike your new font, Angel.. It's haaaaaaaard to reeeeeeeaaaaaad.. It huuuuurts my wittle eyyyyes...
Moi: Wah wah.. cry me a river people..
So fine.. y'all obviously don't want to challenge yourselves.. or risk a TINY bit of eye strain.. so I changed it back.. ok? Happy now??!
Sheesh..
Oh.. and my mom is so NOT a zillionaire.. by the way.. in case you were planning that big surprise marriage proposal to me. Yeah.. you can ditch that idea.. my invisible friend.. You'd have better luck with my mom. I hear she's accepting them all over the place.
My brother was apparently smoking crack.. or so my mom thinks when I asked her about the money..
Mom: WHAT did he say?? *laughing and in shock at the same time*
Moi: That you had *fill in blank with large sum of money and add many zeros here* dollars invested..
Mom: Um.. is your brother on drugs??! I do not have that kind of money.. Where did he get that idea?
Moi: Well.. if he's on drugs.. apparently from that. But no, I don't think he's on drugs, Mom. Delusional, yes. Drugs, not so much. But he said he helped you invest it.. no?
Mom: Please.. I do my own investing and it's not like your brother knows anything about that stuff..
Moi: Phew! I'm so glad you said that. I was really starting to think I didn't know him anymore..
That's basically how that went. Oh and my brother is like the biggest lying liar ev-er or completely thinking of someone else he helped invest much money with many zeros. I don't ask.. what's the point? He's married and his wife gets to look after him and all his (many) idiosyncrasies. Bless her.
Unless my mom is totally lying.............. Noooooo........... you think? Crap. I don't know.
Wanna hear the best part???! You DO! I KNOW you do! Ok. This isn't it, but it prefaces: I met the soon-to-be-step-father this last weekend and hey, he was pretty nice. Ok.. so far so good. He and Mom are actually cute.. a little gross, but cute nonetheless. They seem very happy and he doesn't seem like a serial killer OR a carnie! YAY! Glad I got that out of the way! I mean, it was awkward and Mom was very wrapped up in him and we didn't do much after I arrived on Saturday - just movie'd it all evening, which didn't make much time for talking, but I figured Sunday we'd have a little more time.
Um.. you know.. insert the usual 'Wrong!' here..
Sunday Mom invited our ENTIRE extended family on her side up for Easter dinner. When I say extended, I mean my cousin's half sister, my cousin's neighbor's children, my aunt's EX-step kids and her husband and their kids.. you get the picture? Two aunts and their families didn't even show! Can you imagine?? THEN if you throw in all the dogs, there were like 42 people, large, small, and furry occupying the kitchen, dining and living rooms. The children cried, threw fits, talkedtalkedtalkedtalkedtalkedohmyGOD.. we ate, MMMMM TURKEY.. and somewhere in the middle of that (this is the best part by the way), the step-dad-to-be's daughter and HER family showed up. They have SEVEN CHILDREN.. (I'll just let that sink in for a sec..) of which she kindly only brought three. Um.. she's 36.. you do the math (ok ok, I think this is the 2nd marriage for both of them, but if you leave that fact out it sounds way more shocking, right?).
So there we all are.. VASTLY uncomfortable.. and I'm trying to make conversation with them but not really wanting to. I'm more focused on seeing if I can dive into the mashed potatoes and sorta hide there... No such luck tho.
We were on the far side of the living room and Mom and Dale were on the far side of the dining room and this = not close, ok?? Mind you, there are like 26 zillion people inbetween - and she tried to get her dad's attention so she could say grace. I ask you.. grace? And you ask back.. um.. is that so bad? To which I reply, no.. not COMPARITIVELY to what happened LATER.. um.. no. But her dad couldn't hear her so she gave up and she forced her daughter to say it for her and the rest of them. And I was SOOOOO nice and VERY sweet (I was!) and I gently told her that she might have a hard time with that sort of thing on this side of the family cuz tho I thought some of them probably believed in God and all, they weren't particularly religious. But I tried to reassure her by saying I thought Mom was sort of getting back into it. And do you think she said, Oh.. that's good.. or, Oh, that's nice..?? No.. it went like this exactly:
Crazy soon-to-be-step-sister: Well, I should hope so because I don't want Dad to stop going to church just because, you know, he's getting married.
Moi: *??????????*
and I thought..
Moi: *WTF?! Are you the boss of him (yes, I totally regressed at that point, what of it?)? And oh yeah.. he looks just like the type of person who can't think for himself. I completely see why you'd be worried.*
But really I didn't say anything after that and just stared at my food.. seething.
And she added..
Crazy soon-to-be-step-sister: ..cuz MY girls go to Youth Group.
and I thought..
Moi: * 1) Wow, my condolences to your girls and 2) um.. so?*
Dinner being over, someone put in The Chronicles of Narnia for all the kids and for the zoning out adults (possibly me). Not long after it started, her husband, I'll call him Flanders for the purpose of this story, decides to pull me into conversation:
Flanders: *Very teacher-esque* So did you know this movie is a fable?
Moi: Excuse me?
Flanders: A fable.. based on the life of Jesus Christ.
Moi: *trying to keep from falling out of my chair in much shock*
and I say..
Moi: Oh.. um.. yeah.. I think I heard something about that.. *invisibly rolling my eyes*
but I THINK..
Moi: *WARNING! WARNING! Jesus freak approaching! And DUH.. cuz when the movie came out, that fact was sorta ALL OVER the news, tv, and radio.. but obviously I look like I've been living under a ROCK for a year so.. yeah, of course, I wouldn't know that.*
and, unbelievably.. he continues..
Flanders: Yes, well Aslan is God and the White Witch is the Devil.... *fades out cuz I can't hear him over my FREAKING OUT thoughts*
which are..
Moi: *OHMYGOD! Thank you SO much for pointing that out. Completely clueless here.. obviously.. good/evil, lion/witch - that was VERY confusing for me. Would've never guessed had you not helped me figure that out.. phew!* and *FOR ALL THAT IS GOOD AND SACRED.. PLEASE SHUT UP!*
But he went ON about C.S. Lewis and how most of his writings were very biblical in nature and that current scholars are actually trying to make them into something they're not - which he never explained, but really, that was ok by me cuz I just figured.. what, maybe they said they were just... stories?? I was nauseous, let's put it that way.
For the record, I'm spiritual. I believe in God, or a higher power, in my way.. I don't go to church or believe there is only one way to worship IF you want to worship OR believe at all and, if not, that's ok too.. so me and God? We're all good. But you people know.. I'm.. opinionated.. strongly.. and of all people to start preaching to.. you'd think maybe they would've picked up on the hairs standing up on the back of my neck.. and maybe thought.. oh.. um.. honey.. she doesn't like pushy religious types..
I'm just sayin.. I would never walk into a stranger's house - a stranger that is marrying into my family - and start wearing God all over me - or anything else controversially big for that matter - politics, abortion.. Satanism.. I mean.. hi.. what if I went to their house and just rearranged their furniture into the shape of a pentagram?? There is having strong beliefs.. and there is simply being inappropriate. This was certainly the latter and to be honest, I didn't appreciate it. She implied this marriage to MY mother might actually have some sort of negative affect over her father's ways and beliefs (at 62, please..) AAAND assumed that grace is something we even do in our house! We don't! Ok? And you know what? God is just fine with that. And hellooo.. do you not know what assuming does, lady? Yeah..
And the movie? Can it JUST be a movie? Please? Seriously, you could make God and the Devil in any good or bad character in any movie respectively. Tho when describing the scene to my 16-year-old cousin I saw later that night, she said I should've asked them if they'd seen Brokeback Mountain and if they knew who God and the Devil were in that movie..... evil little girl, that one. Love her.
And I left.. pouting. Mad at Mom cuz she hadn't spent one minute with me.. and, more to the point, we were going to be related by marriage to crazy know-it-all bible thumpers! God save us!
But it really bothered me so I called her yesterday night.. and you (uh.. Megan & Kari) won't believe it, but it was the first time ever that my mother and I had a good conversation.. where we really talked and she really listened - at least that I can remember. I told her it hurt to see her flitting around worried about everyone else's kids but her own - being everyone else's mom but mine.. that he should've tried harder to talk to us if the two of them weren't so tied to each other's hips all weekend.. and there was just too much family there. I mean, he was marrying into the family, sure, but the family of us is what Todd and I thought mattered most.. and no, it wasn't intentional, but it really kind of sucked.
And so she listened.. and she apologized.. and she meant it, shockingly enough.. and then we laughed and laughed over Dale's crazy daughter and her crazier husband and I suddenly realized I had an ally in my mother I didn't know existed.. and you know what? I stopped freaking out. I just felt calmer.. and I knew this marriage would be a good thing for my mom and my family.. and despite the occasional step-crazies we may have to reign in quick-like (cuz you know I will given a next time, kids).. it's all going to be fine.
I wish I could tell Dad he was right.
Monday, April 10, 2006
This Ends With Cake..That's Not Bad, Is It?
So I have news.
Are you sitting down?
This is what my mother should've prefaced with when she told me she was getting remarried.. except I was sitting down. And I couldn't speak. Yes, shockingly, this is possible.. only a few times in my life, but yes, believe it.
You wanna know what else? She's known him for 6 weeks.. SIX WEEKS! If you count this last week I've been digesting her news, I guess 7. Um.. yes, whatever you're thinking, I've already asked her.. with exactly that tone you're asking it. And no, I haven't met him yet.. in fact, she's only mentioned him a few times. I don't even know his last name. I suddenly feel like this is probably how most parents feel when hearing this sort of information from their offspring - however, I'm betting there's usually a pregnancy involved (BITE YOUR TONGUE PEOPLE.. EW!) or a lot more time invested. I mean, we know nothing about him. He could be crazy.. or a serial killer.. or.. or.. a carnie!
But this remarrying thing.. I've never had to go thru it. My mother has only dated 2 people since my father died 6 years ago.. so I don't think she's rushed it and I certainly do want her to be happy.. but um, he still has to be my step-father when all is said and done. Not to mention he has children of his own - and voilà - instant step-siblings: two brothers and a sister. Ok.. so I have to admit.. that's.. intriguing as I've never had a sister. But since they're probably close to my age and have families of their own, are they really going to want to go out of their way to get to know me and forge a relationship? I mean, I know I'm feeling awfully hesitant about that.. and if they were all gung-ho about it, I'd be a little suspicious. So I guess if nothing else, maybe we'll all bond over the fact our parents are completely out of their minds. Eh.. a silver lining is a silver lining. I'm trying here..
In the meantime, there's.. um.. actual bonding over this situation with my actual brother. I know.. wierd. And we discussed my concern some other friend's have voiced when I told them this news. ''Do we think this guy is after Mom's money? I mean.. she doesn't really have a lot to get.. um.. does she? To which I expected my brother to simply echo my thinking.. And, if you know me at all, you also know how often I'm wrong. Wrong, wrong WRONG. Like in this instance. Granted, it's invested, but my mother, apparently, is doing just fine. A-lot-more-zeros-than-I-thought fine. Like.. so fine I wonder why she maybe keeps telling me to get my own place and when I answer that I can't afford to live without at least one roommate that maybe she doesn't sort of OFFER to help me. A little. Like.. AT ALL. Not that my mom isn't generous.. she really is - when she wants to be.. and not that I don't understand working for what you need and want.. but let me tell you something - whatever I know about budgeting and keeping myself out of debt has all been self-taught - by LOTS of trial and error.. and more error than anything. Besides that, she'd rather give me things that collect dust than cash any day.. what is with that?
So THEN.. already trying to fathom the my-mom-is-kinda-rich confusion I had, which was plenty to deal with, my brother tells me not to worry about Mom or her money. That he just knows it's going to be fine. You want to know why? Dad told him. My father.. you know.. the one who DIED 6 years ago?? Yeah.. THAT one. Obviously, I can see some of you are shocked.. understandably.. and some of you are just laughing cuz you think my brother is crazy. I, however, did not bat an eye - did not even flinch, no no.. I did not. Why, you ask? My brother is a bit eccentric.. oh and he's annoying, sure.. but crazy he is not.. The appearance of my father isn't even the point cuz my father has appeared to me before - but only once and in a dream about a month or so after his death, which is probably normal I would think when you lose one of your immediate family members. Without going into it too much, I woke up from the dream upset, but the room was.. tingling. I don't know how else to describe it. An energy had been there and I knew it was my father, but it dissipated very quickly. Still, it was so.. tangible. And I remembered this when Todd told me Dad had appeared to him recently AND that Dad has done this a few times.. wait.. A FEW TIMES?? WTF? What am I? Cut glass?? Like I said, it's not the fact I question he appeared.. but why he hasn't appeared to ME! Hi.. I'm sorta his daughter.. adopted yes, but that meant they really wanted me. Todd was an accident. HELLOOOO??!
Oy.. all joking aside, I wonder how other people handle something like this.. keeping the memory of your father, although a troubled individual, but still so lovable with all his imperfections, sacred and then trying to make new memories with someone who's to fill that void that's been vacant for a long time. Oh and incidentally, who will make your mother probably happier than she's ever been - as you've known her to be unhappy more than you've ever known her happy. Sad, yes, but true. It conflicted me that her first words about my new step-daddy-to-be were that he was completely different than my father. I know how she meant it, but still - ow. And then.. why did I feel hurt by that? This stuff.. wow - it's complicated! Let the psycho-analyzing begin.
But I know.. this is not about me. Yes, hi, let's stop being so self-absorbed, Angel.. I'm just saying.. this is a lot to take in and I'm trying. I'm going to be her maid of honor and that's pretty cool.. Thank God I get to help decide what I'm wearing, otherwise you'd never see pictures.. and that's still fairly unclear at this point. And no, do NOT suggest I go for the bouquet at my own mother's wedding.. that is not a silver lining people.. that's just.. creepy. But it is next month - oh please, like you thought they were going to wait to get married when he proposed at 6 weeks? Why do that?! Yeah.. now that spinning feeling you have? Multiply it by 10 and that's what I'm coming down from.
Wait.. we were focusing on the positives.. um.. it'll be fun! There'll be cake.. right? Yeah, cake is something to look forward to.. and champagne! God bless champagne! Yes.. of course, my mother's happiness.. blah blah blah.. but YAY! CAKE!
Are you sitting down?
This is what my mother should've prefaced with when she told me she was getting remarried.. except I was sitting down. And I couldn't speak. Yes, shockingly, this is possible.. only a few times in my life, but yes, believe it.
You wanna know what else? She's known him for 6 weeks.. SIX WEEKS! If you count this last week I've been digesting her news, I guess 7. Um.. yes, whatever you're thinking, I've already asked her.. with exactly that tone you're asking it. And no, I haven't met him yet.. in fact, she's only mentioned him a few times. I don't even know his last name. I suddenly feel like this is probably how most parents feel when hearing this sort of information from their offspring - however, I'm betting there's usually a pregnancy involved (BITE YOUR TONGUE PEOPLE.. EW!) or a lot more time invested. I mean, we know nothing about him. He could be crazy.. or a serial killer.. or.. or.. a carnie!
But this remarrying thing.. I've never had to go thru it. My mother has only dated 2 people since my father died 6 years ago.. so I don't think she's rushed it and I certainly do want her to be happy.. but um, he still has to be my step-father when all is said and done. Not to mention he has children of his own - and voilà - instant step-siblings: two brothers and a sister. Ok.. so I have to admit.. that's.. intriguing as I've never had a sister. But since they're probably close to my age and have families of their own, are they really going to want to go out of their way to get to know me and forge a relationship? I mean, I know I'm feeling awfully hesitant about that.. and if they were all gung-ho about it, I'd be a little suspicious. So I guess if nothing else, maybe we'll all bond over the fact our parents are completely out of their minds. Eh.. a silver lining is a silver lining. I'm trying here..
In the meantime, there's.. um.. actual bonding over this situation with my actual brother. I know.. wierd. And we discussed my concern some other friend's have voiced when I told them this news. ''Do we think this guy is after Mom's money? I mean.. she doesn't really have a lot to get.. um.. does she? To which I expected my brother to simply echo my thinking.. And, if you know me at all, you also know how often I'm wrong. Wrong, wrong WRONG. Like in this instance. Granted, it's invested, but my mother, apparently, is doing just fine. A-lot-more-zeros-than-I-thought fine. Like.. so fine I wonder why she maybe keeps telling me to get my own place and when I answer that I can't afford to live without at least one roommate that maybe she doesn't sort of OFFER to help me. A little. Like.. AT ALL. Not that my mom isn't generous.. she really is - when she wants to be.. and not that I don't understand working for what you need and want.. but let me tell you something - whatever I know about budgeting and keeping myself out of debt has all been self-taught - by LOTS of trial and error.. and more error than anything. Besides that, she'd rather give me things that collect dust than cash any day.. what is with that?
So THEN.. already trying to fathom the my-mom-is-kinda-rich confusion I had, which was plenty to deal with, my brother tells me not to worry about Mom or her money. That he just knows it's going to be fine. You want to know why? Dad told him. My father.. you know.. the one who DIED 6 years ago?? Yeah.. THAT one. Obviously, I can see some of you are shocked.. understandably.. and some of you are just laughing cuz you think my brother is crazy. I, however, did not bat an eye - did not even flinch, no no.. I did not. Why, you ask? My brother is a bit eccentric.. oh and he's annoying, sure.. but crazy he is not.. The appearance of my father isn't even the point cuz my father has appeared to me before - but only once and in a dream about a month or so after his death, which is probably normal I would think when you lose one of your immediate family members. Without going into it too much, I woke up from the dream upset, but the room was.. tingling. I don't know how else to describe it. An energy had been there and I knew it was my father, but it dissipated very quickly. Still, it was so.. tangible. And I remembered this when Todd told me Dad had appeared to him recently AND that Dad has done this a few times.. wait.. A FEW TIMES?? WTF? What am I? Cut glass?? Like I said, it's not the fact I question he appeared.. but why he hasn't appeared to ME! Hi.. I'm sorta his daughter.. adopted yes, but that meant they really wanted me. Todd was an accident. HELLOOOO??!
Oy.. all joking aside, I wonder how other people handle something like this.. keeping the memory of your father, although a troubled individual, but still so lovable with all his imperfections, sacred and then trying to make new memories with someone who's to fill that void that's been vacant for a long time. Oh and incidentally, who will make your mother probably happier than she's ever been - as you've known her to be unhappy more than you've ever known her happy. Sad, yes, but true. It conflicted me that her first words about my new step-daddy-to-be were that he was completely different than my father. I know how she meant it, but still - ow. And then.. why did I feel hurt by that? This stuff.. wow - it's complicated! Let the psycho-analyzing begin.
But I know.. this is not about me. Yes, hi, let's stop being so self-absorbed, Angel.. I'm just saying.. this is a lot to take in and I'm trying. I'm going to be her maid of honor and that's pretty cool.. Thank God I get to help decide what I'm wearing, otherwise you'd never see pictures.. and that's still fairly unclear at this point. And no, do NOT suggest I go for the bouquet at my own mother's wedding.. that is not a silver lining people.. that's just.. creepy. But it is next month - oh please, like you thought they were going to wait to get married when he proposed at 6 weeks? Why do that?! Yeah.. now that spinning feeling you have? Multiply it by 10 and that's what I'm coming down from.
Wait.. we were focusing on the positives.. um.. it'll be fun! There'll be cake.. right? Yeah, cake is something to look forward to.. and champagne! God bless champagne! Yes.. of course, my mother's happiness.. blah blah blah.. but YAY! CAKE!
Tuesday, April 04, 2006
50 Things
The list virus: It's going around..and I'm a big copy cat. Yes. Yes I am. All the cool girls are doing it.. and besides, anything good I've ever said was probably stolen anyway..
50 things about me (more than you ever wanted to know):
1. I hate my middle name, which was my grandmother's first name, and she, incidentally, didn't like it either.
2. My mother wanted to name me Babette Marie. Babs for short. My father wanted to name me Angel. Guess who won. And, also.. Babs?! WTF?
3. I've been fired from 2 jobs and forced to resign 2 others - in the last 10 years. Not an authority issue, more of a this-job-sucks-and-I-have-a-bad-attitude sort of issue. Yeah.. nice. I'm working on it.
4. I'm afraid of water I can't see thru for no apparent reason.
5. I've had very deep, happy, movie-type love twice in my life and even tho they ended, I'm still good friends with those exes.
6. I've been an extra in an independent movie.
7. I've waited on Helen Hunt and Matthew Broderick (when they were dating), as well as Joe Cocker, who called me 'love', shared an elevator with Lorenzo Lamas (who is actually, really hot and way tall even if not the most incredible actor ever..), Keith Richards brushed by me in Vegas, and I partied at Wesley Snipes' rented bungalow (and by bungalow, I mean fucking AMAZING pad) in Vancouver, BC til the wee hours where I also saw Vin Diesel, and then I shook Wesley's hand and he smiled at me and said 'Thank you for coming.' He's much much shorter in person and not a good dj. Don't hire him for that.
8. I went to Norway on foreign exchange for a year after I graduated high school and cuz I got into trouble 2 different times - once for riding in a boat with a bunch of drunk friends (a big no no there) and the second time, for skipping school and lying about it, I was sent home after 2 1/2 months.
9. I had a drink thrown on me in a bar after I had a large group of complete drunks kicked out for throwing ice at me and being complete asshats. My attitude and sharp wit, not to mention their idiocy, may or may not have had something to do with that.
10. I've wanted to change my last name to my birth mother's for at least six or seven years.. and haven't because I don't want to hurt my (adoptive) mother.
11. I can't not bite my nails unless they're manicured every week - which is expensive people.
12. Fuck is the best cuss word ever - in my opinion.
13. I don't think I could live without hummus, peanut butter, Thai food, Mexican food, or chocolate.
14. I really am within six degrees or less of Kevin Bacon. More like one actually.
15. I have three pairs of jeans. Yes, really.
16. I'm actually fairly ashamed to be an American currently.
17. I'm really hoping the Mariner's don't completely suck this year.
18. After moving anywhere, I always have about four or five boxes that I just don't know what to do with and that sit for a minimum of six months out in the open, in a state of half-unpacked. I really suck at that.
19. I can't watch horror movies - I was scared to death after the stupid Blair Witch Project and The Ring.
20. I hate to lose.
21. I was a cheerleader in high school - and have pictures to prove it - but quit when it stopped being cool - tho I think that was always the case. It just took me two years to figure it out. Still, I was always on top in the pyramids so shut it.
22. I won second place in our high school talent contest my senior year with 3 other ex-cheerleaders making fun of cheerleaders in a little number we choreographed to 'Oh Mickey.' Let me tell you, it was awesome. Treena, Kari, and Megan - you better back me up.. you were all there. Wait.. Treena.. weren't you in it with me or am I totally wrong?
23. I won second place (are you seeing a pattern?) in my grade school's spelling bee ONLY because we ran out of time and the official was hurrying and didn't define the word 'reign' after giving it to me, so of course I spelled it r-a-i-n. Um, yeah, then he defined it and the other kid won. Bastards. I'm not bitter tho.
24. I stole a really expensive office chair from one of my jobs that laid off its entire staff when they went bankrupt and finally sold it this year for $300.. and it made me really happy.
25. It doesn't take a lot to make me happy.
26. I also stole nail polish when I was 12 or 13 from the store where my own mother worked.. and was caught. Was so grounded.
27. I've wanted to be the lead singer in a band for as long as I can remember.
28. I had braces for 4 1/2 years. FOUR AND A HALF YEARS PEOPLE!
29. For any wound, injury or little hurt I ever had when I was a child, my grandfather would always say I'd be alright by the time I got married.. and I didn't find it funny til much later.
30. I can still fit into my prom dress from my junior year.. and it's actually a little too big.
31. I was painfully shy til high school.
32. Tho I can't stand Britney Spears, I have to admit I still really like 'Hit Me Baby One More Time' and 'Toxic.' I still like 'Genie In a Bottle' by Christina too.
33. I believe in some form of higher power, tho not necessarily God, plus angels, ghosts, life after death and reincarnation.
34. I don't, however, believe in a hell or the devil. I think we create those things for ourselves while we're alive.
35. I'm pro-choice, pro-gay marriage, pro-whatever the fuck you want to do with your life as long as it doesn't hurt anyone else and you don't try to tell me what to do.
36. I believe in soul mates, but don't think it has to be in a lover/husband/partner-type.
37. My longest relationship was one year. Yes, go ahead.. cry.. send money. Or chocolate. Or wine.
38. When I was little, I thought I'd grow up to be a waitress, a librarian, or a nurse and my brother would be a fireman and we'd get married. Um.. ew.
39. In second grade, my best friend, Laura Gillette, and I shared a boyfriend, Sean Dewey, who would put his arms around both of us during show and tell.
40. I met Luis, from Sesame Street when he took a directing class one year at my college, Southern Oregon.
41. My birthday is my favorite 'holiday'.
42. I'm afraid of dying - especially being stabbed or being completely deformed and harmed in some sort of awful car accident.
43. I was a virgin until I was 18.
44. I hate being cold.
45. I'm always cold.
46. Anything carbonated gives me ever-lasting hiccups.
47. I can get rid of hiccups every time by eating a spoonful of peanut butter.
48. Of the many pet names given to me, my favorites were from my father: Suzie-Q, and various lovers: Kitten, Boo boo, and Babygirl.
49. I've been in A Midsummer Night's Dream three times and played a total of five different parts inlcuding one lead (Bottom).
50. I talk in my sleep.
Phew.. that was much harder than I thought.. Who's next?
50 things about me (more than you ever wanted to know):
1. I hate my middle name, which was my grandmother's first name, and she, incidentally, didn't like it either.
2. My mother wanted to name me Babette Marie. Babs for short. My father wanted to name me Angel. Guess who won. And, also.. Babs?! WTF?
3. I've been fired from 2 jobs and forced to resign 2 others - in the last 10 years. Not an authority issue, more of a this-job-sucks-and-I-have-a-bad-attitude sort of issue. Yeah.. nice. I'm working on it.
4. I'm afraid of water I can't see thru for no apparent reason.
5. I've had very deep, happy, movie-type love twice in my life and even tho they ended, I'm still good friends with those exes.
6. I've been an extra in an independent movie.
7. I've waited on Helen Hunt and Matthew Broderick (when they were dating), as well as Joe Cocker, who called me 'love', shared an elevator with Lorenzo Lamas (who is actually, really hot and way tall even if not the most incredible actor ever..), Keith Richards brushed by me in Vegas, and I partied at Wesley Snipes' rented bungalow (and by bungalow, I mean fucking AMAZING pad) in Vancouver, BC til the wee hours where I also saw Vin Diesel, and then I shook Wesley's hand and he smiled at me and said 'Thank you for coming.' He's much much shorter in person and not a good dj. Don't hire him for that.
8. I went to Norway on foreign exchange for a year after I graduated high school and cuz I got into trouble 2 different times - once for riding in a boat with a bunch of drunk friends (a big no no there) and the second time, for skipping school and lying about it, I was sent home after 2 1/2 months.
9. I had a drink thrown on me in a bar after I had a large group of complete drunks kicked out for throwing ice at me and being complete asshats. My attitude and sharp wit, not to mention their idiocy, may or may not have had something to do with that.
10. I've wanted to change my last name to my birth mother's for at least six or seven years.. and haven't because I don't want to hurt my (adoptive) mother.
11. I can't not bite my nails unless they're manicured every week - which is expensive people.
12. Fuck is the best cuss word ever - in my opinion.
13. I don't think I could live without hummus, peanut butter, Thai food, Mexican food, or chocolate.
14. I really am within six degrees or less of Kevin Bacon. More like one actually.
15. I have three pairs of jeans. Yes, really.
16. I'm actually fairly ashamed to be an American currently.
17. I'm really hoping the Mariner's don't completely suck this year.
18. After moving anywhere, I always have about four or five boxes that I just don't know what to do with and that sit for a minimum of six months out in the open, in a state of half-unpacked. I really suck at that.
19. I can't watch horror movies - I was scared to death after the stupid Blair Witch Project and The Ring.
20. I hate to lose.
21. I was a cheerleader in high school - and have pictures to prove it - but quit when it stopped being cool - tho I think that was always the case. It just took me two years to figure it out. Still, I was always on top in the pyramids so shut it.
22. I won second place in our high school talent contest my senior year with 3 other ex-cheerleaders making fun of cheerleaders in a little number we choreographed to 'Oh Mickey.' Let me tell you, it was awesome. Treena, Kari, and Megan - you better back me up.. you were all there. Wait.. Treena.. weren't you in it with me or am I totally wrong?
23. I won second place (are you seeing a pattern?) in my grade school's spelling bee ONLY because we ran out of time and the official was hurrying and didn't define the word 'reign' after giving it to me, so of course I spelled it r-a-i-n. Um, yeah, then he defined it and the other kid won. Bastards. I'm not bitter tho.
24. I stole a really expensive office chair from one of my jobs that laid off its entire staff when they went bankrupt and finally sold it this year for $300.. and it made me really happy.
25. It doesn't take a lot to make me happy.
26. I also stole nail polish when I was 12 or 13 from the store where my own mother worked.. and was caught. Was so grounded.
27. I've wanted to be the lead singer in a band for as long as I can remember.
28. I had braces for 4 1/2 years. FOUR AND A HALF YEARS PEOPLE!
29. For any wound, injury or little hurt I ever had when I was a child, my grandfather would always say I'd be alright by the time I got married.. and I didn't find it funny til much later.
30. I can still fit into my prom dress from my junior year.. and it's actually a little too big.
31. I was painfully shy til high school.
32. Tho I can't stand Britney Spears, I have to admit I still really like 'Hit Me Baby One More Time' and 'Toxic.' I still like 'Genie In a Bottle' by Christina too.
33. I believe in some form of higher power, tho not necessarily God, plus angels, ghosts, life after death and reincarnation.
34. I don't, however, believe in a hell or the devil. I think we create those things for ourselves while we're alive.
35. I'm pro-choice, pro-gay marriage, pro-whatever the fuck you want to do with your life as long as it doesn't hurt anyone else and you don't try to tell me what to do.
36. I believe in soul mates, but don't think it has to be in a lover/husband/partner-type.
37. My longest relationship was one year. Yes, go ahead.. cry.. send money. Or chocolate. Or wine.
38. When I was little, I thought I'd grow up to be a waitress, a librarian, or a nurse and my brother would be a fireman and we'd get married. Um.. ew.
39. In second grade, my best friend, Laura Gillette, and I shared a boyfriend, Sean Dewey, who would put his arms around both of us during show and tell.
40. I met Luis, from Sesame Street when he took a directing class one year at my college, Southern Oregon.
41. My birthday is my favorite 'holiday'.
42. I'm afraid of dying - especially being stabbed or being completely deformed and harmed in some sort of awful car accident.
43. I was a virgin until I was 18.
44. I hate being cold.
45. I'm always cold.
46. Anything carbonated gives me ever-lasting hiccups.
47. I can get rid of hiccups every time by eating a spoonful of peanut butter.
48. Of the many pet names given to me, my favorites were from my father: Suzie-Q, and various lovers: Kitten, Boo boo, and Babygirl.
49. I've been in A Midsummer Night's Dream three times and played a total of five different parts inlcuding one lead (Bottom).
50. I talk in my sleep.
Phew.. that was much harder than I thought.. Who's next?
Saturday, April 01, 2006
April Fool's = Happy New Year To Me!
You know what today is?? My first anniversary of writing this little, pink blog! It's true! I can hardly believe it myself. It started out being my clean slate.. my fresh start from a rocky first part of 2005. I made it my New Year's, which I'm going to keep up and make my own tradition - just in case the standard New Year isn't shiny enough for me, and in most cases, it isn't. This year started out rather the same way as the last few and you know.. it's time to feel new again.. thus I give you spring! Have y'all noticed that it's spring in Seattle? Ok.. um.. it's spring everywhere.. I suppose.. but for those of you who aren't here.. TA DA! Spring is! And also - YAY!
It makes such a difference for most of us in the northwest who require light therapy in the dreary wintery months to have SUN! It's been shining, and tho still chilly, it hasn't been raining for 45 THOUSAND days straight and we all, and by we I mean me cuz that is who I'm writing about, smile more and there's just a general lovely feeling going around. Plus a good amount of time has passed between the beginning of the year - that part that sort of really sucked and was composed of all kinds of sad and self-pitying over my fragile little heart and maybe the cute boy.. but hey.. nevermind that now.. cuz.. LOOK! SPRING! And, like waffles, spring can make everything better. Yes, waffles. You heard me. Shut up.
But I feel lighter. Maybe even slightly hot-air-balloonish lighter cuz happy seems to be coming easier and who doesn't like happy? Oy.. I know.. it's taken about three months to get that petite little ticker of mine to heal over, but I just feel what I feel and I don't rush myself.. or go postal.. so be grateful people cuz my personality could easily lend itself to that sort of thing. And tho difficult, I knew the letting go would eventually have to happen. I mean it kinda helped that boy stopped any drunk dialing he was doing in the wee hours on the weekends.. (in his defense, it was only twice and he called himself on it by the end of the second call actually.. so don't be too harsh), but I wasn't any better thinking I could handle hearing about who he'd been dating.. err.. other things ending in -ing. I had this theory that seeing his very obvious moving on would help me close the door more completely. Um.. yeah.. just to let you know.. in practice.. that's a bad theory. Don't feel the need to test it yourself, ok? I mean boy is special to me.. he knows this.. but I really do look forward to the day when we can care about each other and there's nothing complicated or wistful about that. And tho the theory didn't work out in every way I planned, that little ache afterwards didn't last as long either.. so hope and I are hanging out again, you know, just coffee, but still.. that's something to smile about..
Speaking of smiling.. for many reasons, but one of which might include dating.. there may be some of that happening in my world. It's still very early to tell anything at this moment.. but according to Léonie and what she knows of Americans from tv, my three different dates recently are just standard everyday fare:
Aaaaaaaand.. drumroll please.. well - fake it, ok? I've also got a BRAND NEW ROOMMATE! Whoo hoo!! *Applause* One who isn't 40 and overtly affectionate at inappropriate times.. or ALL the time as the case might've been. Let's meet Kyle, shall we? He's 25, doesn't really pay much attention to whether I'm cute at all or a three-headed troll, does the dishes, AND doesn't leave the seat up! Yes! He's normal! But for his age, he's pretty worldly, done some traveling, plays his guitar quite nicely, and seems kind of like a little brother. The Boy (now capitalized so you don't get him and the roommate confused being in the same paragraph) and some other friends really don't like the idea of me continuing to live with a guy - and tho I do appreciate their concern, they just need to trust me. It's going to be fine.. you know why? It just will. Are we all clear now kids? Sparky? Loren? Keith? Pixie? Ok, good. I just need to finish unpacking now. Ugh.
Since I finally seem to be taking a bit better care of myself all around, I also took steps towards figuring out why I've had this chronic ache in my hip for the last few years and which has only been getting worse. I've been slightly pigeon-toed since I was a kid.. something I'd been teased about growing up and of course, hated about myself, but the right people in my life have found it cute and endearing, if in a dorky way - and it'd be nice if that's all there was to it, but it does have detrimental effects as far as pain due to exercising over time. Do you think the doctors have any idea why exactly? Does the emphasis on 'any' assist you in coming up with a two-lettered answer?
We started with x-rays and the radiologist began my tiny bit of panic when he wrote down I might have 'hip dysplasia'. If you didn't know, this is something German and Australian shephards are prone to from too much overbreeding those types of mixes.. I'm sure I can look forward to strolling around in those fun doggy carts later in life.. can't you just see it now? 'Wrong growth' was also mentioned.. I love those warm, fuzzy and completely fucking vague diagnoses. My orthorpedist, Dr. Watts, didn't really agree with the radiologist - um... shouldn't they CONCUR or something?? NOT that he could tell ANYTHING from the x-rays, he also said. Um.. ooook.. Other than a slight inward turn on the right, my hips are actually not so out of whack.. yes, that was the technical term. Tho he did think maybe it was bursitis - inflammation of the bursa - don't ask me what that is. Do I look like I could even try? Please.. But since I had pain, regardless of whether he could actually tell what is wrong with me or not, he said we (I love their collective terms they use) could do a few things: an MRI or a bone scan - both of which sounded quite scary, not to mention might require lots of squinting when I opened any medical bills after - OR he could give me a cortizone shot in the hip.. and I thought, well, shots aren't so bad.. it's just a little pinch at first.. no big deal. So this is what I opted for thinking oh Mr. Doctor probably knows what he's talking about.. Mr. Doctor probably does this all day in his sleep and is probably right about many things very smart.. Mr. Doctor also put a FIVE INCH NEEDLE IN MY ASS AND OWWWWWWWWWWWOWOWOW!STOPSTOPSTOP! God!
Sooo.. THAT was fun. If it turns out to be bursitis, 'we'll do the other side.' Um.. yeah.. can't wait! Hold me back! In the meantime, I'm doing all this fun physical therapy - and I don't really mean fun.. I mean all these silly leg lifts and stretches and it's frickin hard actually, but I do think it's helping, maybe.. ok, I really don't know. Let's just pretend.
Then, as if that wasn't enough, and I'm sure it probably is, I'm trying to make a career change and looking into actual theatre jobs.. like a position in which my degree might be useful and not just for dust collecting. What a concept, right? I've had this nifty idea for a couple of years of trying to get into casting directing and recently I even went to lunch with a contact at the Seattle Rep to discuss it. What I learned is that I'd have to intern and before that, be offered the one of 12 internship positions over hundreds of others who apply, it doesn't pay well and the hours are the same ones I have now, meaning I couldn't do both jobs at once, and thus (did you notice I've used this twice so far just in this post?? Such an underused word!!), would be pretty impossible. And then, like a little light of hope to guide my way, Pixie unexpectedly sent along a little gem of a find this week - a very interesting possibility that's opened at the Intiman Theatre and they need someone like yesterday. It's not an internship and it does pay, tho theatres are non-profits so it could still be a crap-shoot, but I'm getting things organized so I can apply. The important thing I realized tho is even if I don't get it, there's more than just a couple of opportunities out there by which I could make a career. I just have to rub those two brain cells together that are fighting and frickin figure it out..
So that's the latest - besides seeing many a play recently - one tonight at the Rep with a cute date and one last night with friends that was so God-awful and I mean that literally as it was in a church.. tho honey, God could do nothing to save it, sadly.. but hey, there were cookies! And now I am off to work cuz I am THAT dedicated.. and THAT behind, more to the point, that suddenly now I work on weekends. *Sniff sniff* Don't cry for me Argentina.. I'll live.. a cute boy later and a sunny day feeling, even if it's fairly grey outside, are enough of a reminder of my sparkly new year ahead. Spring forward indeed..
It makes such a difference for most of us in the northwest who require light therapy in the dreary wintery months to have SUN! It's been shining, and tho still chilly, it hasn't been raining for 45 THOUSAND days straight and we all, and by we I mean me cuz that is who I'm writing about, smile more and there's just a general lovely feeling going around. Plus a good amount of time has passed between the beginning of the year - that part that sort of really sucked and was composed of all kinds of sad and self-pitying over my fragile little heart and maybe the cute boy.. but hey.. nevermind that now.. cuz.. LOOK! SPRING! And, like waffles, spring can make everything better. Yes, waffles. You heard me. Shut up.
But I feel lighter. Maybe even slightly hot-air-balloonish lighter cuz happy seems to be coming easier and who doesn't like happy? Oy.. I know.. it's taken about three months to get that petite little ticker of mine to heal over, but I just feel what I feel and I don't rush myself.. or go postal.. so be grateful people cuz my personality could easily lend itself to that sort of thing. And tho difficult, I knew the letting go would eventually have to happen. I mean it kinda helped that boy stopped any drunk dialing he was doing in the wee hours on the weekends.. (in his defense, it was only twice and he called himself on it by the end of the second call actually.. so don't be too harsh), but I wasn't any better thinking I could handle hearing about who he'd been dating.. err.. other things ending in -ing. I had this theory that seeing his very obvious moving on would help me close the door more completely. Um.. yeah.. just to let you know.. in practice.. that's a bad theory. Don't feel the need to test it yourself, ok? I mean boy is special to me.. he knows this.. but I really do look forward to the day when we can care about each other and there's nothing complicated or wistful about that. And tho the theory didn't work out in every way I planned, that little ache afterwards didn't last as long either.. so hope and I are hanging out again, you know, just coffee, but still.. that's something to smile about..
Speaking of smiling.. for many reasons, but one of which might include dating.. there may be some of that happening in my world. It's still very early to tell anything at this moment.. but according to Léonie and what she knows of Americans from tv, my three different dates recently are just standard everyday fare:
Ha ha.. *ahem* no no.. the three dates a week isn't something I'm trying to pursue on a regular basis.. it just sort of.. happened that way.. chatty chatty here, let's do something there.. and before I knew it, any space I had between the visits with the mommy friend and my nieces, the really horrid horrid play Keith and Abby and Chloe and I saw, laundry.. oh and sleep just filled up. Accidentally. But.. um.. it was fun. Kinda.. I mean, as fun as small talk with a couple of wrong people can be.. and that's really all I should say about it for now other than it's nice to recognize the possibilities again, which I always knew existed.. it's just.. I know. That's all. Ahh.. it feels good to feel good.So you see, I know that in Sex and The City people go on multiple dates all the time, and that it is not only normal but postively encouraged, but that is in America. In America people go out on dates with more than one person in a week and that is fine. The thing is, you see, I am not from America. Clapham is not America, even though it is similar because there is a McDonalds and you do sometimes see fat people*.
*Just a little joke. There are no fat people in Clapham.
Aaaaaaaand.. drumroll please.. well - fake it, ok? I've also got a BRAND NEW ROOMMATE! Whoo hoo!! *Applause* One who isn't 40 and overtly affectionate at inappropriate times.. or ALL the time as the case might've been. Let's meet Kyle, shall we? He's 25, doesn't really pay much attention to whether I'm cute at all or a three-headed troll, does the dishes, AND doesn't leave the seat up! Yes! He's normal! But for his age, he's pretty worldly, done some traveling, plays his guitar quite nicely, and seems kind of like a little brother. The Boy (now capitalized so you don't get him and the roommate confused being in the same paragraph) and some other friends really don't like the idea of me continuing to live with a guy - and tho I do appreciate their concern, they just need to trust me. It's going to be fine.. you know why? It just will. Are we all clear now kids? Sparky? Loren? Keith? Pixie? Ok, good. I just need to finish unpacking now. Ugh.
Since I finally seem to be taking a bit better care of myself all around, I also took steps towards figuring out why I've had this chronic ache in my hip for the last few years and which has only been getting worse. I've been slightly pigeon-toed since I was a kid.. something I'd been teased about growing up and of course, hated about myself, but the right people in my life have found it cute and endearing, if in a dorky way - and it'd be nice if that's all there was to it, but it does have detrimental effects as far as pain due to exercising over time. Do you think the doctors have any idea why exactly? Does the emphasis on 'any' assist you in coming up with a two-lettered answer?
We started with x-rays and the radiologist began my tiny bit of panic when he wrote down I might have 'hip dysplasia'. If you didn't know, this is something German and Australian shephards are prone to from too much overbreeding those types of mixes.. I'm sure I can look forward to strolling around in those fun doggy carts later in life.. can't you just see it now? 'Wrong growth' was also mentioned.. I love those warm, fuzzy and completely fucking vague diagnoses. My orthorpedist, Dr. Watts, didn't really agree with the radiologist - um... shouldn't they CONCUR or something?? NOT that he could tell ANYTHING from the x-rays, he also said. Um.. ooook.. Other than a slight inward turn on the right, my hips are actually not so out of whack.. yes, that was the technical term. Tho he did think maybe it was bursitis - inflammation of the bursa - don't ask me what that is. Do I look like I could even try? Please.. But since I had pain, regardless of whether he could actually tell what is wrong with me or not, he said we (I love their collective terms they use) could do a few things: an MRI or a bone scan - both of which sounded quite scary, not to mention might require lots of squinting when I opened any medical bills after - OR he could give me a cortizone shot in the hip.. and I thought, well, shots aren't so bad.. it's just a little pinch at first.. no big deal. So this is what I opted for thinking oh Mr. Doctor probably knows what he's talking about.. Mr. Doctor probably does this all day in his sleep and is probably right about many things very smart.. Mr. Doctor also put a FIVE INCH NEEDLE IN MY ASS AND OWWWWWWWWWWWOWOWOW!STOPSTOPSTOP! God!
Sooo.. THAT was fun. If it turns out to be bursitis, 'we'll do the other side.' Um.. yeah.. can't wait! Hold me back! In the meantime, I'm doing all this fun physical therapy - and I don't really mean fun.. I mean all these silly leg lifts and stretches and it's frickin hard actually, but I do think it's helping, maybe.. ok, I really don't know. Let's just pretend.
Then, as if that wasn't enough, and I'm sure it probably is, I'm trying to make a career change and looking into actual theatre jobs.. like a position in which my degree might be useful and not just for dust collecting. What a concept, right? I've had this nifty idea for a couple of years of trying to get into casting directing and recently I even went to lunch with a contact at the Seattle Rep to discuss it. What I learned is that I'd have to intern and before that, be offered the one of 12 internship positions over hundreds of others who apply, it doesn't pay well and the hours are the same ones I have now, meaning I couldn't do both jobs at once, and thus (did you notice I've used this twice so far just in this post?? Such an underused word!!), would be pretty impossible. And then, like a little light of hope to guide my way, Pixie unexpectedly sent along a little gem of a find this week - a very interesting possibility that's opened at the Intiman Theatre and they need someone like yesterday. It's not an internship and it does pay, tho theatres are non-profits so it could still be a crap-shoot, but I'm getting things organized so I can apply. The important thing I realized tho is even if I don't get it, there's more than just a couple of opportunities out there by which I could make a career. I just have to rub those two brain cells together that are fighting and frickin figure it out..
So that's the latest - besides seeing many a play recently - one tonight at the Rep with a cute date and one last night with friends that was so God-awful and I mean that literally as it was in a church.. tho honey, God could do nothing to save it, sadly.. but hey, there were cookies! And now I am off to work cuz I am THAT dedicated.. and THAT behind, more to the point, that suddenly now I work on weekends. *Sniff sniff* Don't cry for me Argentina.. I'll live.. a cute boy later and a sunny day feeling, even if it's fairly grey outside, are enough of a reminder of my sparkly new year ahead. Spring forward indeed..
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