I Liked The Font Ok??! Oh And Where Mom And I Bond.. Yes, Really!

So y'all are a bunch of whiners.. Yeah.. I said it. Whatcha gonna do? HUH?

You: I don't liiiiiiiiiiike your new font, Angel.. It's haaaaaaaard to reeeeeeeaaaaaad.. It huuuuurts my wittle eyyyyes...

Moi: Wah wah.. cry me a river people..

So fine.. y'all obviously don't want to challenge yourselves.. or risk a TINY bit of eye strain.. so I changed it back.. ok? Happy now??!

Sheesh..

Oh.. and my mom is so NOT a zillionaire.. by the way.. in case you were planning that big surprise marriage proposal to me. Yeah.. you can ditch that idea.. my invisible friend.. You'd have better luck with my mom. I hear she's accepting them all over the place.

My brother was apparently smoking crack.. or so my mom thinks when I asked her about the money..

Mom: WHAT did he say?? *laughing and in shock at the same time*

Moi: That you had *fill in blank with large sum of money and add many zeros here* dollars invested..

Mom: Um.. is your brother on drugs??! I do not have that kind of money.. Where did he get that idea?

Moi: Well.. if he's on drugs.. apparently from that. But no, I don't think he's on drugs, Mom. Delusional, yes. Drugs, not so much. But he said he helped you invest it.. no?

Mom: Please.. I do my own investing and it's not like your brother knows anything about that stuff..

Moi: Phew! I'm so glad you said that. I was really starting to think I didn't know him anymore..

That's basically how that went. Oh and my brother is like the biggest lying liar ev-er or completely thinking of someone else he helped invest much money with many zeros. I don't ask.. what's the point? He's married and his wife gets to look after him and all his (many) idiosyncrasies. Bless her.

Unless my mom is totally lying.............. Noooooo........... you think? Crap. I don't know.

Wanna hear the best part???! You DO! I KNOW you do! Ok. This isn't it, but it prefaces: I met the soon-to-be-step-father this last weekend and hey, he was pretty nice. Ok.. so far so good. He and Mom are actually cute.. a little gross, but cute nonetheless. They seem very happy and he doesn't seem like a serial killer OR a carnie! YAY! Glad I got that out of the way! I mean, it was awkward and Mom was very wrapped up in him and we didn't do much after I arrived on Saturday - just movie'd it all evening, which didn't make much time for talking, but I figured Sunday we'd have a little more time.

Um.. you know.. insert the usual 'Wrong!' here..

Sunday Mom invited our ENTIRE extended family on her side up for Easter dinner. When I say extended, I mean my cousin's half sister, my cousin's neighbor's children, my aunt's EX-step kids and her husband and their kids.. you get the picture? Two aunts and their families didn't even show! Can you imagine?? THEN if you throw in all the dogs, there were like 42 people, large, small, and furry occupying the kitchen, dining and living rooms. The children cried, threw fits, talkedtalkedtalkedtalkedtalkedohmyGOD.. we ate, MMMMM TURKEY.. and somewhere in the middle of that (this is the best part by the way), the step-dad-to-be's daughter and HER family showed up. They have SEVEN CHILDREN.. (I'll just let that sink in for a sec..) of which she kindly only brought three. Um.. she's 36.. you do the math (ok ok, I think this is the 2nd marriage for both of them, but if you leave that fact out it sounds way more shocking, right?).

So there we all are.. VASTLY uncomfortable.. and I'm trying to make conversation with them but not really wanting to. I'm more focused on seeing if I can dive into the mashed potatoes and sorta hide there... No such luck tho.

We were on the far side of the living room and Mom and Dale were on the far side of the dining room and this = not close, ok?? Mind you, there are like 26 zillion people inbetween - and she tried to get her dad's attention so she could say grace. I ask you.. grace? And you ask back.. um.. is that so bad? To which I reply, no.. not COMPARITIVELY to what happened LATER.. um.. no. But her dad couldn't hear her so she gave up and she forced her daughter to say it for her and the rest of them. And I was SOOOOO nice and VERY sweet (I was!) and I gently told her that she might have a hard time with that sort of thing on this side of the family cuz tho I thought some of them probably believed in God and all, they weren't particularly religious. But I tried to reassure her by saying I thought Mom was sort of getting back into it. And do you think she said, Oh.. that's good.. or, Oh, that's nice..?? No.. it went like this exactly:

Crazy soon-to-be-step-sister: Well, I should hope so because I don't want Dad to stop going to church just because, you know, he's getting married.

Moi: *??????????*

and I thought..

Moi: *WTF?! Are you the boss of him (yes, I totally regressed at that point, what of it?)? And oh yeah.. he looks just like the type of person who can't think for himself. I completely see why you'd be worried.*

But really I didn't say anything after that and just stared at my food.. seething.

And she added..

Crazy soon-to-be-step-sister: ..cuz MY girls go to Youth Group.

and I thought..

Moi: * 1) Wow, my condolences to your girls and 2) um.. so?*

Dinner being over, someone put in The Chronicles of Narnia for all the kids and for the zoning out adults (possibly me). Not long after it started, her husband, I'll call him Flanders for the purpose of this story, decides to pull me into conversation:

Flanders: *Very teacher-esque* So did you know this movie is a fable?

Moi: Excuse me?

Flanders: A fable.. based on the life of Jesus Christ.

Moi: *trying to keep from falling out of my chair in much shock*

and I say..

Moi: Oh.. um.. yeah.. I think I heard something about that.. *invisibly rolling my eyes*

but I THINK..

Moi: *WARNING! WARNING! Jesus freak approaching! And DUH.. cuz when the movie came out, that fact was sorta ALL OVER the news, tv, and radio.. but obviously I look like I've been living under a ROCK for a year so.. yeah, of course, I wouldn't know that.*

and, unbelievably.. he continues..

Flanders: Yes, well Aslan is God and the White Witch is the Devil.... *fades out cuz I can't hear him over my FREAKING OUT thoughts*

which are..

Moi: *OHMYGOD! Thank you SO much for pointing that out. Completely clueless here.. obviously.. good/evil, lion/witch - that was VERY confusing for me. Would've never guessed had you not helped me figure that out.. phew!* and *FOR ALL THAT IS GOOD AND SACRED.. PLEASE SHUT UP!*

But he went ON about C.S. Lewis and how most of his writings were very biblical in nature and that current scholars are actually trying to make them into something they're not - which he never explained, but really, that was ok by me cuz I just figured.. what, maybe they said they were just... stories?? I was nauseous, let's put it that way.

For the record, I'm spiritual. I believe in God, or a higher power, in my way.. I don't go to church or believe there is only one way to worship IF you want to worship OR believe at all and, if not, that's ok too.. so me and God? We're all good. But you people know.. I'm.. opinionated.. strongly.. and of all people to start preaching to.. you'd think maybe they would've picked up on the hairs standing up on the back of my neck.. and maybe thought.. oh.. um.. honey.. she doesn't like pushy religious types..

I'm just sayin.. I would never walk into a stranger's house - a stranger that is marrying into my family - and start wearing God all over me - or anything else controversially big for that matter - politics, abortion.. Satanism.. I mean.. hi.. what if I went to their house and just rearranged their furniture into the shape of a pentagram?? There is having strong beliefs.. and there is simply being inappropriate. This was certainly the latter and to be honest, I didn't appreciate it. She implied this marriage to MY mother might actually have some sort of negative affect over her father's ways and beliefs (at 62, please..) AAAND assumed that grace is something we even do in our house! We don't! Ok? And you know what? God is just fine with that. And hellooo.. do you not know what assuming does, lady? Yeah..

And the movie? Can it JUST be a movie? Please? Seriously, you could make God and the Devil in any good or bad character in any movie respectively. Tho when describing the scene to my 16-year-old cousin I saw later that night, she said I should've asked them if they'd seen Brokeback Mountain and if they knew who God and the Devil were in that movie..... evil little girl, that one. Love her.

And I left.. pouting. Mad at Mom cuz she hadn't spent one minute with me.. and, more to the point, we were going to be related by marriage to crazy know-it-all bible thumpers! God save us!

But it really bothered me so I called her yesterday night.. and you (uh.. Megan & Kari) won't believe it, but it was the first time ever that my mother and I had a good conversation.. where we really talked and she really listened - at least that I can remember. I told her it hurt to see her flitting around worried about everyone else's kids but her own - being everyone else's mom but mine.. that he should've tried harder to talk to us if the two of them weren't so tied to each other's hips all weekend.. and there was just too much family there. I mean, he was marrying into the family, sure, but the family of us is what Todd and I thought mattered most.. and no, it wasn't intentional, but it really kind of sucked.

And so she listened.. and she apologized.. and she meant it, shockingly enough.. and then we laughed and laughed over Dale's crazy daughter and her crazier husband and I suddenly realized I had an ally in my mother I didn't know existed.. and you know what? I stopped freaking out. I just felt calmer.. and I knew this marriage would be a good thing for my mom and my family.. and despite the occasional step-crazies we may have to reign in quick-like (cuz you know I will given a next time, kids).. it's all going to be fine.

I wish I could tell Dad he was right.