So.. I can't really write today.. I'm stealing again from Léonie, who's blog is one of many I adore.. She talks in bullet points quite often and very well.. tho I'm sure hers has an accent, but I think bullet points really can say it all.. don't you think?
Last week - Monday thru Thursday:
* Cried and cried and cried - no reason.. just, you know.. cried. Sort of a lot. Sort of a concerning amount..
* Tried to work, cuz you know.. I sort of have a job that pays me maybe to actually work and not to cry.
* Tried not to cry.
* Cried anyway.
* Went to the gym and didn't cry - twice! - unbelievably.
* Talked to the ex boy.. and tho there was no crying planned, cried nonetheless.. think amount of crying scared him.
* Made mental note not to call the ex when anywhere near crying state - and also thought, duh..
* Managed extremely heavy workload barely saving from making many a mistake until Thursday when..
* I was 5 minutes late to work and missed a very important conference call.
* Felt really awful. Like.. really.
* Email arrived from ex boy about nothing important but still..
* Suddenly tears.. and..
* Cried a river.. or maybe 4.
* Cried exponentially..
* Called doctor.
* Got prescription for happy pills after filling out lovely survey for depression.
* Took one - well.. 1/2 of one (1/2 being my regular dose).
Friday:
* Waited for happiness to commence.
* Waited some more..
* Um.. waited a bit longer..
* Ooh! Felt something! Ohhh.. sick.
* Felt really really sick... like, going-to-throw-up-any-second sick.
* Ow... um.. massive-pressure-in-head-and-vision-skewing sick.
* Thought of food - but then thought, ew.. sick.
* Called doctor and apparently, this was normal and I'd feel this way for about a week. Constantly. Oh yay.
Weekend:
* Much MUCH sun = much MUCH happy!
* Worked at my friend's bar, Liberty, twice and made lots of money! Whoo hoo! And also, had fun!
* Saw dumb Jason Mraz show with Abby - Jason Mraz wasn't dumb. He was actually very cute and very good at all stuff guitar, but whole set up was stupid.
* Wasn't nauseaus so I ate sometimes - yay!
* Felt normal and happy most of the time, surprisingly.
This Monday:
*Delirium of happy set on by frickin GORGEOUS day!
* HAPPYHAPPYHAPPY.. like.. really happy!
* Walked with Ironika and Jody after successful day of work - maintained happy. Yay!
* Ironika picked up my dress for Mom's wedding - discount on pretty rockin dress by pretty rockin friend = extra happy!
* Met ex boy for Mexican food (happy!) to update on sitch of new happy pills and catch up.
* Ate like food was scarce.
* Chatted and joked with boy.. both of us = happy.
* On way out, nausea returned.. overwhelmingly. It was very mad at Mexican food in tummy.
* Boy flirted - bad bad - and = me not so happy by calling him on it.
* Head not only in vice, but being fucked with.. unintentionally but still..
* Unruly nausea was soon joined by waterworks of unstoppable nature.
* Inbetween ick and tears, discussed with boy about our questionable future as friends.
* Discovered boy needs to figure out a few things for us to be friends - it's not just me.
* Many sad, frustrated, and concerned looks passed from him to me and from me to him.
* Talked a lot about how friend idea is hard and wierd and might take us pretty much forever.
* Ack! Dam.. broke.. somewhere in my eyes...
* FEMA somehow did not register this.
* Memorable quote on my part to boy, "No offense," pointing at ocean of tears coming from said category 5 broken eye dam, "but honestly, this is not all because of you.. I swear," and we both laughed a little despite ourselves.
* Went home extremely embarrassed and disheartened.
* Called Mom.
Tuesday:
* Woke up extremely embarrassed and disheartened.
* Showered.
* Cried.
* Cried more.. yes, I know.. you're completely shocked now.. like how am I not out of tears?
* Nausea returned again. Apparently, it has nothing better to do.
* Emailed Ironika explaining previous evening after I left her house.
* Ironika sent back email sufficient to be good kick in the ass, consoling and understanding all at same time.
* Boy emailed asking how I was..
* Tho appreciative, said worst of day had passed and let him know not to worry. I suggested a tad more space and time.
* He agreed, in a nice way.
* Made it thru work til 3pm when I couldn't take it anymore and left early due to understanding boss.
* Bought ice cream and went to lake with a friend.
* Sat under a stunning sun, soaked up rays during beautiful afternoon, talked with friend and suddenly realized I could feel nothing. At all.
* Poked at my mental stability.. no reaction.
* Returned home, napped, felt better.
* Got ready for first date - a little anxious but positive.
* Walked out locked door without keys.
* Said, "Crap," really loudly. Among other things.
* Called date, cancelled. Apologized profusely.
* Called landlord, left message.
* Bothered neighbors for useless screwdrivers.
* Landlord sent his mom with keys (she lives nearby).
* Went back in house, pouted.
* Made myself eat most of half an apple til full.
* I showed that nausea.. didn't I?
* Met friend for drink to avoid pouting and sudden lack of evening plans.
* Poked at mental stability before bed - same, practically comatose.
Today:
* Noticed auto-pilot still on.
* Couldn't be bothered to find 'off' switch.
* Tho not crying, literally could not smile if I tried.
* Apparently nausea works the same hours I do.
* Took break to post office and post office lady was so nice. I pretended cuz of her niceness.
* Talked to Megan (Told her I was at post office and sent her Christmas presents for her and her kids. Hey.. what's wrong with Christmas in April?) and smiled for first time today.
* Talked to Kari and described manic-ness that is me.
* Thought maybe I should work since I was at work.. and kind of almost succeeded.
* Talked to nurse about stalker nausea and woozy head and apathetic self that is unlike any self I recognized.
* Doctor called back, had brilliant idea to stop meds immediately and wait a week to start new kind. Said this one isn't working for me.
* I breathed sigh of relief and kept sarcastic comments to myself.
* Personality peeked out a bit later so I decided to maybe do some actual work and stayed late.
* Mom saw me online and instant messaged me even tho she barely knows how to use her computer.
* Out of no where and in relation to nothing we were talking about, she wrote, "I hope you start feeling better and know that I love you very much and that you'll always be my little girl."
* I paused.
* I felt.
* I did not cry. Technically.
* Decided just now to go home and celebrate me kicking nausea to curb. And maybe eat some ice cream.
12 comments:
Ice cream mixed with nausea so does not work for me. Sorry you've had a rough one. Maybe take a few days off from work? Steal some extra sleep? Increase your Red Hots intake? How do you feel about salmon and or shrimp? Tuna?
What kinda happy smack have they given you. Being half insane I consider myself an exterp on all pharmacueticals (well I've taken almost all they've invented as a method to find a "cure" that doesn't exist. Drop an email to selllingmysoul1@gmail.com and tell me all about it. Doc's contrary to popular belife are wrong Alot.
Oh hon!!!
Hope you are smiling, even just a little bit today.
Will send long email asap as just on my way out the door to another interview. sending you lots of hugs!
(ps: try some st john's wort)
xxx
Bloggy: Salmon and shrimp? Ew.. enough to bring back the nausea. :)
t: I tried to email you, but it was sent back to me.. Hm.. Got another? And yes, I do think docs are wrong a lot. I agree.
LadyMiss: I'm better today. I ate dinner last night! Whoo hoo! I have a feeling things will improve from here.
Thanks you guys! I know it sounds depressing.. but it's going to get better. Just needed to get all that out.
Nuh huh, good for your mind. Give 'em a shot.
I give you permission to pass on the seafood ;-). Glad doc is going to give you something else - I promise you won't feel like this forever, but am glad you stopped the other drug.
Hope the sun continues to help and you can remember we love you, sweetie! Hang in there and call anytime, day or night.
Almost forgot - your mom is a gem when she wants to be, isn't she? Glad she said what she did.
Hey, remember when I said you were badass? Well, I also wanted to say that I wish I was closer. I'm only a keyboard away, il mia amica.
Hugs~
Sending much love. I hope you're feeling better, sounds like you are from that comment.
Hang in there. I hope that the getting it all out was cathartic and helpful...
x
It sounds like you need a vacation... So, come to Dallas! We can drink and dance all of our crying away... and plus, it's really sunny here!
Bloggy: Ewewew..
Kario: Thanks girl.. back atcha!
Treena: Wish you were closer too toots! Was that Italian? Already learning it eh?
Leonie: Yes, thank you, I am feeling better - much more like myself in the last 2 days. Woot!
Texas: Girl, I don't know about Dallas, but when you move to SF (or wherever) I'll meet you there!
Babe, I'm willing you to get through this. Can you feel the positive vibes I'm sending? How about now?
I'm thinking of you,
Px
la chou: Thank you so much! That's a lovely thought.
Pom: I am! Feeling all your good vibes all the way over here! Sending you all positive thoughts back. Things are looking up (like a frickin switch was turned on! Hallelujah!)
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