We Now Return To Our Regularly Scheduled Program..

Hi! I'm back!

Um.. don't know who that person was who wrote that last post while I was 'gone'.. but um.. I'm really sorry I let her take over! It wasn't me... well, not the real me.. I don't think. It doesn't count being from me when I felt so manic and bi-polar and insane and oh.. maybe un-lucid. Basically your typical, every-word-you-can-think-of-for-crazy type feeling has been running thru my psyche.

And tho I think I said I had no idea why it was all happening, I kinda did.. sorta.. which I didn't explain and really will try to be brief about cuz I think it was due to some nice little bitesize help-is-on-the-way's that look just like little breath mints but are way less funner since instead of keeping away bad breath, they're a little more powerful at keeping an 'oops' from turning into a much smaller version of me or my ex.. and we said 'oops' a couple of times in our few months together. That's just something you really shouldn't have to say much.. if at all.. really.

And while these adult tic-tacs are a lifesaver in more ways than one, in my experience of taking them one other time a few years back, they can come back to haunt your hormones just when you're headed into your standard, girly pms. And what should've been just a normal bit of crabby or just a little bit of extra sensitive during those commercials for cotton or Kleenex, turned into an unrelenting Hurricane Katrina! Right there! In my little body! It did! There were witnesses!

But hey.. look! I'm better!

Well.. I'm still me.. which is to say, you know.. dramatic, if nothing else.. but, normal dramatic is way different from crazy. Way.

And I must say, being happy for like FIVE DAYS STRAIGHT is really a good thing. I fully recommend it. I enjoyed the weekend, went to Volunteer Park and saw Keith's very funny version of Hamlet he directed for the talented kids at Cornish, went to Fatima's baby shower - where, incidentally, so many other attendees were in various stages of pregnancy you might think children were the thing to have or something, bought shoes for the awesome dress I'm wearing in Mom's wedding, treated myself to a mani/pedi pick-me-up, cleaned house.. I mean.. it was a nice change from the last two weeks of out-of-no-where depression and all the crying.. you think?

I went for a really great walk last night in my neighborhood. It was one of the more beautiful Sundays, but maybe it was just cuz I felt good and was looking forward to getting out and breathing in the last evening of April. I smelled the air, admired the houses, paid attention to my walk, my breathing, and did my best to process the last few weeks into something that made sense. I still don't know how I got in that awful place of confusion and sadness, but I'm determined not to go back there again. It's amazing what we take for granted when just living day after day, like.. um.. sanity, for example. And I know my hormones can get the best of me once in a while, but I'd never imagined myself sad most of the time. It just wasn't me.

But for the entire walk, I was just happy. I felt really hopeful that boy and I will eventually get to a good place where we can be friends, I felt grateful to have him and my other friends to offer their strengths when I need support and I haven't freaked them all out, I'm genuinely thrilled for Mom knowing she has a partner in life again and rather excited about this new friendship she's starting with me even if I'm not completely holding my breath yet.. I mean it's such a relief to feel the positive energy I knew was there but had been struggling to come back to me since the beginning of this year..

Ahh.. I love spring just for that reason. It's rejuvenating. And honestly, it's about goddamn time.