You Can Learn A Lot From Me, Besides How To Be Sarcastic

I give out a lot of advice.. mostly when I think it's going to be useful, tho I'm sure sometimes, it's unwanted - however, you should all listen when I give out this little tidbit - for free, mind you - as it will save you an ENORMOUS amount of grief. Oh no.. no thanks necessary.. your peace of mind is thanks enough. So here it is:

Never ever ever ever EVER EVER have your hair done at a salon you've NEVER been to TWO DAYS BEFORE you're to be the MAID OF HONOR in a WEDDING.. that happens to be your MOTHER'S.

Just saying.

No.. it didn't go well. The hair is a bit fried from the 'trim' that was much less an actual trim and more an ok-I-totally-know-exactly-what-you-want-except-I-won't-be-doing-anything-like-that -AT-ALL. And the dye/foil part? Well.. let's just say a picture of Pat Benetar from the 80's looks more like me at this very moment.. Yeah, it totally rocks.

Not.

There will be a 'correction' for free - and then there will be a sort of NO going back there. Tho I do have to say, they were very sweet and very nice.. nothing personal you know, but I just can't trust them with my hair, which is sort of the main reason you'd step into a salon.. but you know, maybe they're good at other things.. like abstract expressionism.. or the tuba.. but hair? Hm.. not so much. On some karmic level, I'm sure I deserved it. I did kill a nuclear-sized spider the night before. Spidey justice maybe.

Barring that, the drive down to Mom's was pleasant.. if not completely delayed. I meant to leave around 3 at the latest from Seattle. 5:15 was more exact.. and right in the middle of Friday rush hour. I don't know what happened, but every single frickin errand I had to run, somehow found me on the most jam-packed way there and back. Roads I never take, routes I never go.. and I was on them.. ALL.

And did I mention the night before I lost my debit card? Yeah.. right before you leave for an important trip out of town is the BEST night to do that. Especially right after the relaxing mani/pedi with your friend Ironika.. and then instantly, neither of you are relaxed cuz you pretty much ruined that part and um, also? She is much poorer due to the fact that she had to PAY for your sorry, stupid, absent-minded self. Only if I'd kicked her in the knee could that have been any better for her, I'm sure.

Anyway.. so there I was, FINALLY driving down to Oregon.. in the middle of no-where-radio-station-land and I find something and have a little realization, which I have to admit to y'all. You guys.. I like the Goo Goo Dolls. Ok, there. I said it. I do. Say what you will about them or their silly band name, but they're catchy. I LOVE that guy's voice.. I love that each single sort of moves me and I can say each time one of their songs comes on, I think of a specific person I was with, a moment I had with someone.. a memory. Something like that. Not the new one quite yet, however, I do like the lyrics and.. I just like them. Ok? Geez.. Anyway, I just had to get that out.

SO.. back to the farm.. la la la.. where I arrived safely and all that and then before I went bed, I thought, maybe I should try on those shoes I bought to go with the dress.. just in case. And you know what's coming right? You know that part in Cinderella where the ugly step-sisters are trying on the dainty glass slipper? Yup.. the shoes Didn't. Fucking. Fit. Tho I don't think they said it quite like that..

You know, I'm going to give y'all a bit more advice here:

Do not, I repeat, DO NOT buy shoes a 1/2 size smaller than you normally wear just because you think they fit in the store. Yes, they were snug.. Yes, of course, I thought they were fine.. but it was also cooler then.. and in SEATTLE, where it's COLD AND RAINY TEN MONTHS OUT OF THE YEAR. Not humid like it is in MiddleofNoWhere, Oregon.. where CORN GROWS and where feet will most likely swell in such weather.

People.. you are asking when I'll learn.. aren't you? Yes.. I know. Sigh..

I was sort of relieved to have to go shopping cuz then I didn't have to make nice all day with the new step-family and all their 3 foot offspring. Small talk gets tedious quickly when you know you're just going to have to do it again and go over exactly the same things in like, November, for Thanksgiving. Personally, I'm thankful there's at least a 6 month window between now and then.

But I did find shoes - at the last possible store (Salem is very small) cuz you wouldn't think silver strappy numbers were a near extinct species being right in the midst of prom season now, would you? You'd be wrong, of course. Just like I was. Yes, I can tell you're completely shocked. But tell me, when did black acutally return to being the new black?!

The problem lay in the fact that when one loses one's debit card, one has to withdraw an ASSLOAD of cash to pay for one's many errands from Friday to Saturday prior to one's mother getting remarried, including one's last-minute replacement of one's poor choice for maid-of-honor-dress shoes. Things added up very quickly and oh I ran thru $400 real fast. I was a frickin Mastercard commercial.. well, without the actual card.

$34 for oil change before 4 1/2 hour drive to mother's house for her wedding that you're in.
$5 for belated mother's day cards for both mother and grandmother who you'll see at mother's house before her wedding that you're in.
$115 + $25 tip for botched salon job that was to make you "pretty" for said mother's wedding that you're in.
$1 zillion for gas for 4 1/2 hour drive to mother's house in Bumfuck Egypt for mother's wedding that you're in.
$60 for new shoes, to replace previously purchased shoes that you thought fit but were actually too small, for your mother's wedding that you're in.

Having your mother tell you what her girlfriends gave her as gifts for her bridal shower:
Priceless.

Oh yeah.. wanna hear that conversation?

Me: Mom.. just so you know, I have to run into town tomorrow, first thing. I have to get new shoes. These don't fit.

Mom: Oh ok.. no problem. Oh.. you should've seen what the girls gave me for presents.. they're so dirty.. *giggles*... Edib *INTERRUPTED BY ME*

Me: MOM! GOD!

Mom: *giggling more now* No.. *giggle* no.. you have to hear..

Me: NO MOM! I'M NOT LISTENING! EW! NO! SHUT UP!

Mom: *completely laughing now* But.. you have to.. *almost in tears she's laughing so much*.. really..

Me: LALALALALA.. Um.. no. No I DON'T Mom! Go away now! Gross!! *shutting door and pushing her laughing ass out*

And people wonder why I have drama. Seriously..