The learning curve

I'm trying to grow as I get older. And for all you smart alecky first-sentence-jumper-on-ers I don't mean vertically cuz I think I know at 5' 3" I've probably capped out.. so shush! But rather, as a person, I'm trying to improve or eliminate all the shortcomings within myself. As I'm sure most of you know already from your own experiences, that's easier said than done.

As I've mentioned before, I'm one of those very assertive people. Assertiveness can be taken many ways but when it's an integral part of a woman's personality (and I wish I knew how this demon in me came about cuz kids, trust me.. I used to be so shy!) it can, a lot of the time, be incorrectly labeled as bitchy, hormonal, hysterical, irrational.. to name a few derogatory adjectives - take your pick. An assertive man is confident, powerful, and direct, but God forbid a woman knows what she wants and how to get it, and whether or not someone wants to give what is requested, she can find a way to make them. This, of course, is a subject for another time, and I'm not so much digressing but acknowledging that tho this perception is discouragingly flawed, I recognize that even I'd like to find that fine line of getting what I want without damaging myself and/or pissing people off in the process.

For example, the new property management company does NOT want to talk to me. I'm probably the most assertive one, but apparently, also the scariest one. Yes, tho little, I am fierce. Stop laughing. And tho the wife of the owner is a complete LUNATIC and talks to everyone like they are her abused children, I haven't talked to her or any of her people since she and I got into a large battle of who could speak over the other better a few weeks ago when we argued about her audacity in telling Holly that she didn't want to be bothered by our calls anymore (Oy! I ran out of breath just typing that incredibly long run-on sentence!). Um.. yeah.. ok.. rude! They still had a few things to address - the bigger ones being a second toilet issue, the keys not working in all the locks, and our oven STILL not working. BUT I could've handled it all better. Yes, I admit, I probably wasn't in the right state of mind to effectively manage staying out of any possible conflict. I just wanted a livable house with no problems and having come out of two other dreadful situations, the exhaustion and stress from moving clearly lessened my ability to be flexible, compassionate, and you know.. nice.

Looking back on that, I should've listened to Holly when she asked me not to call our crazy landlady cuz tho I wasn't mad - and I really wasn't - I was probably firm enough for her to hear a certain tone in my voice and that just set her off and escalated from there (course it's her fucking fault). You get more flies with honey they say.. but I'd still like to swat that one back to Hell where she came from.. *ahem*

So this is me - a girl who grew up so passive and shy that when boys said hello I'd just put my head down and keep walking til one day I evolved, and I thank the theatre training that brought out the extrovert in me, and crossed over to the extreme other side of unstoppable loudmouth. And with a name like Angel, I'm just a sucker punch waiting to happen people.

This hasn't served me well in my romantic life either cuz along with being assertive comes a lack of patience. I mean, if there was a patience store, I would be there ALL THE TIME. I would. I need instant gratification.. you know, like, instantly. Why should I wait for something or someone when I can simply go get it or him myself? Well, let me tell you from experience kids, it doesn't work that way. To grossly generalize, as opposed to just a regular 'ol sized generalization - men still like to think they're in control and no matter what any book tells you, they like to be the one doing the chasing. Once in a while, a man is flattered I'm pursuing him.. but nothing ever comes of it. Then we're all confused who pays for dinner and who buys the condoms.. no no no.. just leave it to the simple caveman ways and it's MUCH easier. Phew! However, this is really REALLY hard for me cuz .. Hi.. cute guys! And if you knew me.. uh yeah.. boy crazy since I was a wee tot.. like.. teeeeeensy. But when you're a kid, you can let your crush put his arm around you AND your best friend during show and tell. It's sweet.. but once you get to *gasp* your 30's, like me, it's not so easy anymore. There are games to play and days to wait til you call or they call and are you in with their nice friend and what was his stupid name anyway cuz GOD I'M BORED NOW!? Um, yeah.. can we please just cut to the chase - like me or don't already. Ok, well I'm not quite THAT harsh about it.. but I am direct.

At the beginning of the year, my heart finally soared and then was quickly broken cuz I still couldn't see the short-sightedness of rushing full-throttle into something. The impatience kicked in and he and I were on the crazy ride of wow-your-just-so-amazing and pet names and hoards of long distance calls since he was in BC. But he came to his senses sooner than I did and let me go acknowledging the fact we probably weren't right for each other even tho I didn't see it. Stupid, stupid stupid.. and I told myself, THIS time.. I'm going to figure it out. I'm going to relax cuz there is absolutely no substitute for really knowing someone. I don't know how other people take the time when there's an attraction that's so strong you have butterflies all day, but people do it. They get married, have lives together.. um.. if I had a nickel for every time someone asked me why I didn't have a boyfriend.. yeah.. well, I probably wouldn't be here bitching about the fact I didn't..

Point, point, POINT... Yes! Getting there!

I met someone I like. It's VERY early. But the good thing, after some talking.. we're so much alike it's freaky.. but also, you know, a relief! He's impatient, he gets riled, he rushes into things.. but he thinks, and I have yet to see this for sure, he's slowed down a bit, managed himself so well he's figured out how to practice a bit more patience due to learning from his past mistakes. I know! A REAL adult. I was shocked! But what struck me, out of many things we discussed, was his suggestion of how I could help myself move towards my goals by simply writing down who I wanted to be.

I will be patient.
I will think things thru before enacting upon them.
I will not be argumentative.
I will RELAX!
I will date Jesse Metcalf.. Oops! How'd that get in there?!

Ok ok, so there's probably a few other things (see closer to 15) my friends could add to that, but hey, it's a start. I just thought to myself, you know, what a good idea. I know it's 3rd-grade simple. It's silly even, but sometimes the simplist ideas are the most effective - especially when you know, you're talking about me.. which, if you've been reading this blog, is what I do here.

So that's the goal. I like the guy, who is great so far.. but I'm staying grounded even if I maybe sorta really dig him... just a little.. and I'm consciously - which is just fucking painful - holding my quick tongue and thinking, maybe it's possible I don't have to react to absolutely EVERYTHING that happens around me. I don't need to control it or be the one leading. I'm going to just sit back and let someone else make a few of the moves and oh maybe breathe before responding to a particular situation.. that's always good. I think it's time to learn that sometimes the stronger choice can be doing nothing at all. I'm going to try that.

Speaking as an adult

I think I'm the only 33-year-old alive who can't keep her finances straight. *Sigh* I hate being overdrawn. Again.

It's not like this is the first time it's happened, obviously, but since college, I've had this constant worried feeling in the pit of my stomach that I'm broke or soon will be. I had virtually no debt then since my parents paid for my school, but if I didn't want to live in the dorms - and no one did after freshman year - I had to get a job and pay for my own rent and books. Neither was cheap in my never-having-done-this-before opinion.

Still, it hardly compares to flashing forward to the present where I'm a 'real' adult these days. Apparently, that is what debt and bills and planning for retirement make you.. well, ok, 2 out of 3 isn't bad.. right? I have credit card debt I'm paying off - miniscule to some friends who owe literally ten times more than me and I'll be done next January, the car payment - and get this.. the car is worth $4K less than what I still owe on it.. yeah, nice! - car insurance for said worthless vehicle (If you ever heed ANY advice from me ever, please, for the love of all that's holy, DON'T BUY A FORD!), monthly gym fee, and the ridiculous cell phone package I have that 'saves' me money when I call my friends in BC. The saving part is actually true, tho the plan is still fucking expensive.

Let's not forget besides those bills, I still have to pay to live. Food, toiletries, utilities - gas, water, sewer, garbage, and light - tho since I've moved, we have yet to be billed and we're bracing ourselves to see what that will amount to when it comes in its 2 month increments. But truly you'd think that since I haven't paid utilities since the end of June cuz of all the cluster-fucked living situations I got myself into when I first moved that the benefit of those would be that I would've had some money left over.. and you'd probably be right.. except uh... yeah.. I don't. Um.. must've spent it.. hmm.. damn.

And where, with all of that I'm required to pay, do I find the cash to front the rest of the needed things in life.. like dinners out, wedding and birthday gifts, new clothing and shoes, haircuts and dyes, and you know, general socializing which requires extra money for covers, drinks, and coat checks? I don't.. not really.. and let me tell you how much that sucks.. A LOT! I don't go out nearly as much as I used to when I had a used car that was paid off or before I was laid off like 3 times in a row, which is how I acquired said credit card debt cuz you know.. unemployment really doesn't pay all that much.

When I have money, I spend it. It's that simple. Savings account for rainy days, retirement, Christmas.. uh.. what's that? I don't have one. Yes, I know.. I KNOW.. STUPID! But I don't make that much comparitively to the rest of this area's population from what I understand. Not that they should be put down for what they're making at Microsoft, Boeing, Washington Mutual, etc.. but I have tried to find other things that are more lucrative.. and, at least in my opinion.. having, for example, applied for an open position at the Gates Foundation where you have to KNOW someone to get an interview and I DID and STILL didn't get a call... it's not easy and I feel like what I have I should keep cuz I need it right now. But I realize there's nothing to cushion an unexpected car repair, kitty illness, or even the positive and fun things like *gasp* a vacation! I'm just afraid to have less now by planning for the future cuz as I discovered recently while checking my rights as a renter, I sort of make less than what is considered to be 'low income'. The ceiling for low income is actually $3K more than what I make now.. uh.. yeah. *Sigh*

So, the next RESPONSIBLE step I'm taking is talking to an advisor. Yes! Can you believe it? I'm going to take responsibility for myself instead of calling my mother.. and yes, go ahead.. make fun of me for calling her to bail me out once in a while.. or another friend much more established than me - and you can poke fun there too cuz there are currently two of those I owe more than $100 to cuz they saw the situation, wanted to help, and love me completely unconditionally. But when I've been more financially stable, I've also been the on the receiving end of those could-you-possibly-lend-me-I'm-good-for-it conversations and at that point you have to understand the key to lending any friend money is that you can't expect to be repaid. Not that it's a gift, but if you need that money, I recommend not lending it as it will not come back to you quickly and no one wants a rift that could damage the friendship beyond repair. No, not a good thing.. far from it..

Luckily, and coincidentally I might add, a lovely Fidelity man came by our office to discuss financial planning. He gave us a little survey to fill out that asked us if we'd be interested in .. well, planning, um.. financially.. for ourselves.. and since I can't seem to budget myself well enough to keep my ass in the black, I said yes. Like.. duh. And they called me last week, but I was so busy I haven't called them back.. which will also be remedied tomorrow, first thing, when I get into the office.

Um, hi, Fidelity.. yeah.. can you help me be an adult now? Yeah.. thanks!

Won't you be my neighbor?

Ahh..wilderness! This is my new neighborhood, Madison Park: the forest-in-the-city where scores of yuppies reside. Look it up. That's the definition. The arboretum is down the street and with it come the many soccer moms and their brood, the Microsofties, and the other avid sporty types who run, bike and hike thru the area. Then there is EVERYONE ELSE. Um, yeah, apparently this is like the most popular little get-away being that it's in the middle of the city as opposed to the other two parks, which are on opposing ends - Ballard and West Seattle. Those beaches - and I use that term loosely cuz beaches I know are CLEAN and BEIGE and SOFT rather than so charred from the many bonfires over time that it leaves your feet so black you look like you just washed in coal... not to mention they're strewn with broken glass and slivers of wood that your now APE-LOOKING FEET could injure themselves upon - are a pain to get to and, once there, it's difficult to find parking. And that's the ONLY thing there.. just the beach. Um.. hellooo.. bored now. Yeah, thanks.

So I love it here.. it's pretty damn cute. We've got cafes, a zillion little restaurants, shops, a couple of pubs, and of course, a beach. Ok, I really don't know if there's any sand. In fact, where there should be sand there's um.. grass.. but hey, that's ok cuz who likes sand everywhere? Not me.. nope! I LIKE the grassy beach. Much less cleaning to do afterwards. But clearly, the rest of Seattle likes it too. I should feel sorry for them since they're only temporarily getting away from their isolated/dreary/boring neghborhoods and here I am, lucky enough to be able to walk for a few minutes and I'm in the woods or near the water. So what if there's like a major vehicle thoroughfare running right in front of my house... whatever.. It's cool. I live in Madison Park. Pffffft.. so there!

Now all of us girls are finally moved in.. but you know.. don't think that means we're done with everything. Oh God no. There's recycling for ALL TIME still to be picked up, boxes of why-do-I-own-this? everywhere and trying to find a place to put them, cable or something like it still to be installed as well as a few things left for the property management to address like oh, ALL THE WINDOWS IN THE HOUSE. I was relieved earlier this week when they told me they were all being replaced! See? It pays to be pushy sometimes... it's still 3 weeks out, but hey, progress I tell you!

And we're all very different - Holly, Megan, Carrie and me. I'm trying not to be the mother hen, but as I get older, I'm becoming really obsessive-compulsive. They already leave out dirty silverware after a use, the empty box that contained their frozen dinner, etc.. and those things could start to wear on me, but I just have to remember that I maybe need to friggin relax. I mean of course I don't seem to be bothered by the fact my stuff is still lying about in the living room, dining room, and hallway. Why should that bother anyone? I know.. I'm terribly hypocritical here.. but don't forget, I'm still the one to get us new windows, ok?

The girls are super sweet and funny and responsible and nice and I think it's going to work out here for a while. Plus, they're hilarious when they're drunk cuz you know.. they're all of like 22. Ahh, reminds me of when I was their age.. and much, much more stupid.. but hey, memories!

So we've all had a little time with each other, just starting to get to know everyone's quirks and personalities. Holly and I actually spent an evening out together last week and she got to know mine. Every 5 min before we left I think I said, 'Gimme 5 more min and I'll be ready.' She finally stood at the door of the bathroom and just watched me til I became so damn uncomfortable I had to stop primping.. ok ok! God! Then, on the way to the gas station that's like a block or two from the house, this guy decides to drive his BMW right on top of me. Ohhh.. you know THAT started something. I tapped the brakes and he didn't back off.. tapped again, nada. Ok.. I pulled over right next to the gas station and this is our oh-so-friendly exchange:

Me: What the FUCK are you riding my ass for?!

Dumbass rich guy: You pulled out in front of me!

Me: Oh whatever dude! Get over yourself.. *I pull into gas station thinking that was a brilliant comeback on my part.. right..*

Dumbass rich guy: *pulls into second driveway of gas station and at an angle so I can't get past him*

Holly: *as I'm getting out of the car* Omg.. what are you going to do??

Me: Well, I have to get gas.. what's he gonna do? Yell at me to death? Please..
*to Dumbass rich guy* What do you want?

Dumbass rich guy: You cut me off!

Me: You know, if you don't leave us alone, I'm calling the police. This is harassment.

Dumbass rich guy: Oh call them. Go ahead.

Me: And what are you going to tell them? That you got mad that two little girls pulled out in front of your speeding BMW and you got upset cuz you didn't have time to slow down? That'd be a really interesting story... don't you think?

Dumbass rich guy: *Looking guilty* I wasn't speeding.

Me: *All self-righteous now* Really? Cuz you know it's 30 thru here and that should give you plenty of time to slow down to the legal 2 seconds of space you should've given me instead of riding my ass to make a point. I looked behind me and you were at the top of the hill. If you were going 30, you wouldn't have caught up to me at all.

Dumbass rich guy: But you pulled out in front of me!

Me: Yes, I think I got that part. Look, you look like you're very successful, you have a nice car, plenty of money.. I'm sure there are many things much bigger in life to be upset about than to be hassling me about how I cut you off for the millionth time, ok?

Dumbass rich guy: *starts to repeat himself again - non-interesting rambling*

Me: *cutting off Dumbass rich guy - apparently for the second time in a row* Ok buddy.. listen.. this is the problem. *holding right hand up vertically and to the side* And this is you - getting over the problem. *holding left hand up then jumping it over the right* I'm done with this bullshit.

I walk away to you know, pump the gas I sorta needed.

SO, that was Holly's first big impression of Angel - basically a very bitchy chihuahua when she gets riled.. Oh yeah, I'm not to be messed with. Uh-uh. I have many gay friends. I watch Will & Grace. This is where I get all my good lines so don't be fuckin' with me.. got it?

Me: *embarrassed and shaking like hell* Sorry Holly! That was a bit.. uh.. crazy.

Holly: *laughing* I just thought it was funny!

Great.. now I'm just the entertainment. Pefect!

Come one, come all to Madison Park where Miss D. will happily endure a rash of abuse just so you can see her fiesty reactions! She spits! She breathes fire! She banters condescendingly! You might never again see anything like this if you're smart enough never to drive with her!

Oh c'mon.. I don't bite.. til I know you better. Come on over... the water's fine!

Interim..

Ok people.. I'm trying.. REALLY to find some time to write something new, but it's pretty fucking impossible now.. and you know I really mean it when I have to cuss. Between work - end of the month in telecom means STRESS and trying to recover from the hell that was July.. and you know, maybe a little dating here and there.. *blush* .. chica is working for YOU to get it together. That's right - all 4 (count 'em FOUR) readers of mine. But just so you know, I'm going to need a little longer yet.

In the meantime, please peruse the myriad of other fine blog selections to your immediate right.. no, you're other right... Some of them need readers like you and some of them have more than enough. I don't discriminate. I know any of them will keep you wildly entertained until I clone myself and can be in two places at once.

Hope you're all well and happy!