The learning curve

I'm trying to grow as I get older. And for all you smart alecky first-sentence-jumper-on-ers I don't mean vertically cuz I think I know at 5' 3" I've probably capped out.. so shush! But rather, as a person, I'm trying to improve or eliminate all the shortcomings within myself. As I'm sure most of you know already from your own experiences, that's easier said than done.

As I've mentioned before, I'm one of those very assertive people. Assertiveness can be taken many ways but when it's an integral part of a woman's personality (and I wish I knew how this demon in me came about cuz kids, trust me.. I used to be so shy!) it can, a lot of the time, be incorrectly labeled as bitchy, hormonal, hysterical, irrational.. to name a few derogatory adjectives - take your pick. An assertive man is confident, powerful, and direct, but God forbid a woman knows what she wants and how to get it, and whether or not someone wants to give what is requested, she can find a way to make them. This, of course, is a subject for another time, and I'm not so much digressing but acknowledging that tho this perception is discouragingly flawed, I recognize that even I'd like to find that fine line of getting what I want without damaging myself and/or pissing people off in the process.

For example, the new property management company does NOT want to talk to me. I'm probably the most assertive one, but apparently, also the scariest one. Yes, tho little, I am fierce. Stop laughing. And tho the wife of the owner is a complete LUNATIC and talks to everyone like they are her abused children, I haven't talked to her or any of her people since she and I got into a large battle of who could speak over the other better a few weeks ago when we argued about her audacity in telling Holly that she didn't want to be bothered by our calls anymore (Oy! I ran out of breath just typing that incredibly long run-on sentence!). Um.. yeah.. ok.. rude! They still had a few things to address - the bigger ones being a second toilet issue, the keys not working in all the locks, and our oven STILL not working. BUT I could've handled it all better. Yes, I admit, I probably wasn't in the right state of mind to effectively manage staying out of any possible conflict. I just wanted a livable house with no problems and having come out of two other dreadful situations, the exhaustion and stress from moving clearly lessened my ability to be flexible, compassionate, and you know.. nice.

Looking back on that, I should've listened to Holly when she asked me not to call our crazy landlady cuz tho I wasn't mad - and I really wasn't - I was probably firm enough for her to hear a certain tone in my voice and that just set her off and escalated from there (course it's her fucking fault). You get more flies with honey they say.. but I'd still like to swat that one back to Hell where she came from.. *ahem*

So this is me - a girl who grew up so passive and shy that when boys said hello I'd just put my head down and keep walking til one day I evolved, and I thank the theatre training that brought out the extrovert in me, and crossed over to the extreme other side of unstoppable loudmouth. And with a name like Angel, I'm just a sucker punch waiting to happen people.

This hasn't served me well in my romantic life either cuz along with being assertive comes a lack of patience. I mean, if there was a patience store, I would be there ALL THE TIME. I would. I need instant gratification.. you know, like, instantly. Why should I wait for something or someone when I can simply go get it or him myself? Well, let me tell you from experience kids, it doesn't work that way. To grossly generalize, as opposed to just a regular 'ol sized generalization - men still like to think they're in control and no matter what any book tells you, they like to be the one doing the chasing. Once in a while, a man is flattered I'm pursuing him.. but nothing ever comes of it. Then we're all confused who pays for dinner and who buys the condoms.. no no no.. just leave it to the simple caveman ways and it's MUCH easier. Phew! However, this is really REALLY hard for me cuz .. Hi.. cute guys! And if you knew me.. uh yeah.. boy crazy since I was a wee tot.. like.. teeeeeensy. But when you're a kid, you can let your crush put his arm around you AND your best friend during show and tell. It's sweet.. but once you get to *gasp* your 30's, like me, it's not so easy anymore. There are games to play and days to wait til you call or they call and are you in with their nice friend and what was his stupid name anyway cuz GOD I'M BORED NOW!? Um, yeah.. can we please just cut to the chase - like me or don't already. Ok, well I'm not quite THAT harsh about it.. but I am direct.

At the beginning of the year, my heart finally soared and then was quickly broken cuz I still couldn't see the short-sightedness of rushing full-throttle into something. The impatience kicked in and he and I were on the crazy ride of wow-your-just-so-amazing and pet names and hoards of long distance calls since he was in BC. But he came to his senses sooner than I did and let me go acknowledging the fact we probably weren't right for each other even tho I didn't see it. Stupid, stupid stupid.. and I told myself, THIS time.. I'm going to figure it out. I'm going to relax cuz there is absolutely no substitute for really knowing someone. I don't know how other people take the time when there's an attraction that's so strong you have butterflies all day, but people do it. They get married, have lives together.. um.. if I had a nickel for every time someone asked me why I didn't have a boyfriend.. yeah.. well, I probably wouldn't be here bitching about the fact I didn't..

Point, point, POINT... Yes! Getting there!

I met someone I like. It's VERY early. But the good thing, after some talking.. we're so much alike it's freaky.. but also, you know, a relief! He's impatient, he gets riled, he rushes into things.. but he thinks, and I have yet to see this for sure, he's slowed down a bit, managed himself so well he's figured out how to practice a bit more patience due to learning from his past mistakes. I know! A REAL adult. I was shocked! But what struck me, out of many things we discussed, was his suggestion of how I could help myself move towards my goals by simply writing down who I wanted to be.

I will be patient.
I will think things thru before enacting upon them.
I will not be argumentative.
I will RELAX!
I will date Jesse Metcalf.. Oops! How'd that get in there?!

Ok ok, so there's probably a few other things (see closer to 15) my friends could add to that, but hey, it's a start. I just thought to myself, you know, what a good idea. I know it's 3rd-grade simple. It's silly even, but sometimes the simplist ideas are the most effective - especially when you know, you're talking about me.. which, if you've been reading this blog, is what I do here.

So that's the goal. I like the guy, who is great so far.. but I'm staying grounded even if I maybe sorta really dig him... just a little.. and I'm consciously - which is just fucking painful - holding my quick tongue and thinking, maybe it's possible I don't have to react to absolutely EVERYTHING that happens around me. I don't need to control it or be the one leading. I'm going to just sit back and let someone else make a few of the moves and oh maybe breathe before responding to a particular situation.. that's always good. I think it's time to learn that sometimes the stronger choice can be doing nothing at all. I'm going to try that.