Christmas is upon me. No really.. like.. get it off me! Now!

Ok.. let's start out with the beginning of December. Uh, hi.. sneaky! Suddenly it was just... there. I knew it was coming, but just didn't think about it.. and WHAM! There it was.. like.. like.. um..well, like something very unexpected.. ok?! And I really do enjoy the holidays.. no one died - oh wait - someone actually did one time.. hmm.. but you know, that was a long time ago and we've all sought therapy and we're all ok with that now.. and I'm fine with the sing-songyness in every possible person and thing that surrounds me that I couldn't get away from it all unless I left the planet anyway so why fight it..? I mean, the holidays are cute.. we have a cute little tree that's cutely decorated and there are stockings hung up - Emma even has one in the shape of a kitty paw - and tho I'm happy cuz really, things are pretty good, I've marked December as a month of delusion to which I just have to resign myself..

Let's start out with something small.. Christmas songs. Have you heard 'Here Comes Santa Claus' lately? I'm not talking about something new and full of disco pop. It's just the regular old Gene Autry version and uh, let me just tell you.. there's a little something in it I've never caught before.. yes indeedy.. a verse in there that you might not expect. Oh it's sugary innocence from childhood that is recognized immediately, but like those Bugs Bunny gags that flew right over your head as a wee tot that you now fully understand as an adult.. the third verse of this Santa jingle hit boy and me as we were driving along last weekend, completely minding our own business while we sang along to whatever Christmas tune came on cuz hey, there's nothing wrong with a little holiday cheer.. there was happiness and smiling.. la la la la.. here comes Santa Claus, here comes Santa Claus right down Santa Claus lane.. la la la la la la la la so let's give thanks to the Lord above that Santa Claus comes tonight.. whaaaaaaaaat??

Ok.. I know it's all about the birth of the baby Jesus and the three wise men and oh suuuuure Mary was a virgin and all that.. I mean, I've been beaten about the head with it since the day after Thanksgiving.. but please tell me what God and Santa are doing in the same song! Isn't there irony (if that's the proper usage.. I don't need any Alanis backlashing now..) in the fact that here is a nice little holiday song about a FICTIONAL CHARACTER involving.. um.. GOD.. a UNIVERSAL IDEA. Now.. before you start.. you could also argue the opposite point that Santa is universal and that God, is in fact, a fictional character and that's fine - believe what you will - I'm all for free thinking here, but my point is there's no church of Saint Nicholas around the corner however widely accepted he is. Terrorists don't go around doing their terroristy-type nastiness in the name of Santa (tho I bet if they did, it'd be a whole mess o' nice around the world, which hey.. wouldn't suck), no one prays to him (wishing for presents once a year doesn't count), and no one's calling out his name like they do God's in the throes (throws?? I looked it up.. it didn't help) of passion if you get my drift.. are you picking up what I'm putting down?? I'm just sayin'.. that's all.

Anyway.. that's where it started.

And that was the easy stuff.. obviously..

Now.. speaking of throws (now seriously.. is it throws or throes? I can't figure it out..) of passion.. boy (the one I named recently who is quite achingly hot by the way, but was still sort of taken aback by seeing his name in one of the most recent posts to which I reminded him that he'd said it was ok and then I added he should be careful what he wished for noting he's still quite adorable even when squeamish for a few seconds over the cyber-outing) and I are creating enough electricity to light up the entire city, which let me tell you, rocks.. to put it simply. However, there are.. um.. some small issues - and no no NO.. don't go there.. THAT is NOT what I'm talking about.. That actually is very.. um.. fine.. better than fine if you really need to know.. Ok?! Sheesh.. let's just be clear. No no.. what I mean is sometimes there are issues with the condoms.. and I hate them and I'm sure he hates them but we have to use them unless of course you people want some little Miss D's running around and ohdeargodbiteyourtongue we do not! I mean there are plenty of prophylactic choices out there, but yours truly just thought it easier to keep with the latex option when physical contact was more a spontaneous thing.. unless the day should find me with the same person for a while, which seems to have happened. So now it's a bit more plausible to think about other alternatives cuz condoms are only working like two-thirds of the time.. which, if you do the math, and I usually don't cuz hey, I studied theatre, is a whole lot less than 100%.

See.. they come off. The condoms. Or they've broken.. and either of those happening ruins the mood cuz guess what.. we both 'calmly' freak the fuck out.

The solution is that we call my nice doctor (Dr. Wise - isn't that great??) who nicely calls over to the pharmacy with a little prescription for 'Plan B', which so far has happened twice (and if you're offended by this, really, keep your opinions to yourself or I'll be forced to cover my ears and yell out jibberish til you stop.. and you'd hate that.). Now, it's not like we're doing this on purpose.. these are definitely accidents and tho it sounds like ALL kinds of fun thinking every little change in my body is reason enough to think I'm pregnant, I'm also the one who has to take the pill to prevent that after both said accidents. This would be fine if it just left me alone and didn't fuck around with my hormones and make me oh.. EXTREMELY depressed for FIVE. ENTIRE. DAYS. Drop of a hat and it was waterworks people.. the computer froze and suddenly I was a total failure in life.. I held it together luckily cuz I had some sense of reason trying its best to prevail while telling myself this was just temporary and my reactions were just hormonal.. but good God.. I might've killed someone if I hadn't gotten a frickin hug every day. And, I should add, boy is really, really good at this necessity. It works like a charm. Seriously.

In the middle of every possible emotion I could be feeling, there was quite the display of aggravation towards the roomie when we got into a fight about the heat that escalated to the point where I actually slammed her door - or um.. tried to - they're old doors and it wouldn't slam - this was especially frustrating as the goal was to make a good amount of noise and all I heard was a slight whooshing sound - and that only served to heighten any irritation that caused me to almost spontaneously combust. Not my proudest moment - it certainly wasn't maturity that was oozing out my pores.. oh no.. and it made for a very quiet and tense rest of the week at home. Ahh.. the curse of hating living alone and at the same time wishing you could have the house to yourself.. I'm still working that one out.

This again, wasn't the worst thing that happened.. like you didn't know there was more..

On the way back home Friday night from a friend's Christmas party at her new GIGANTIC house (seriously - it looks like a life-size version of the dollhouse I had as a kid.. wow) in Issaquah (small SMALL town east of Seattle), boy and I are driving thru town, so not speeding at 25 mph and I notice the unmarked police car that I pass - yeah, I noticed it.. hi.. not born yesterday, nuh-uh.. but I'm so innocent and not hitting things.. look! But what does she do? Oh, nothing except pulls out RIGHT BEHIND me and immediately turns on her lights. For a millisecond, boy thought she'd go by me, but come on.. we all knew better. Fifteen minutes later, after asking me at least three times how much I'd had to drink cuz I was fumbly with all my paperwork.. helloooo.. nerves people.. I had a really nice green ticket in hand from the very, very mean police lady for

1. No lights on the back license plate (her first reason for pulling me over and by the way.. WHO sees when those are out?!)
2. Expired tabs (from August .. and YES, I knew they were expired.. but if you'd like to pay for them you might notice they are only like $200 EVERY YEAR and on my budget, that's just more funny than something that actually happens - plus there was a matter of three parking tickets I had to pay for first and geez lady.. I just got the letter saying NOW I could get tabs.. grumble grumble)
3. AND oooooh.. this is the BEST part.. an expired driver's license! Cuz SOMEONE just had a birthday, which when I told mean police lady she sarcastically said, 'Uh.. in November..' Ok.. but Ms. Very Nice Police Officer I work 8-5, and you know, coincidentally, so does the DMV. It's a little difficult, ok? Can't you be nice for just ONE second?! This I said in my head or she may have cuffed me right there for insubordination or some other word with a lot of syllables.. and I was already scared enough.. so instead I said very sadly, 'Um.. yes.'

NOW Ms. Mean thought I was a problem drinker cuz my hands were apparently too spasmy to handle all my legal documents AND I was sans legal license, so she made boy change seats with me since he'd brought all this upon himself by making the oh-so-wise choice of me as his current company (she didn't say that but you could see it in her eyes.. judgement was there.. mean mean lady cop!) so he could drive his criminal date and her just as incriminating vehicle back home to the not so Christmasy tune of $7HUNDREDand32DOLLARS which is not very easy to sing along to.. no, no it is not..

And you might think it was over.. cuz maybe this would be enough, you would think.. but you'd be thinking SO wrong. Yes you would!

THEN.. Mom calls not to guilt-trip me, but to tell me my cute, little, sassy-about-everything Grandma, the ONLY grandparent left standing so to speak, who's in the hospital for KNEE SURGERY people, which is NOT a big deal and that was supposed to keep her there for a maximum of three days, is still in the hospital cuz her kidneys AND her liver decided team playing was for sissies and if they just went into RENAL FAILURE they could lengthen their cushy hospital stay. Gram, in all her spitfiryness, is not pleased with them one bit and tho no one's saying it outloud, we know which internal organs won't be getting any homemade canned goods for Christmas.. uh-uh..

But don't fret now.. today is looking decidedly less emotionally hung up, praise Jesus!, things will be taken care of with the Issaquah courts before some unknown court date next month where I will beg and plead and dress oh so nicely to show I'm a good and upstanding citizen even if I break some very very small laws, roomies and I will just have to figure out how to get along, God and Santa will co-exist somewhere happily ever after.. and Gram should actually pull thru all the scary stuff.. It was just a big week.. Could you tell?

Til next time - Merry Christmas y'all! Hope you have a happy and safe holiday, getting everything you want and nothing you need (blatantly stolen from Victoria's Secret - um.. hint hint..)!