How many words CAN I capitalize?

It's now 11:45pm on Sunday night.. and I'm taking stock. Yes, watch out, for you will be amazed at how distracted, but at the same time, productive, I've been since my last post. There are many many things to be grateful for and I shall count them down for you right now.. yes I shall!

1. DAYS have passed with NO drama occurring whatsoever! Shock and awe, people.. shock and awe..

2. There was fun had.. like.. two days worth at least.. AND.. in a row!

3. I saw a really really REALLY great play.

4. I saw a really really REALLY great concert.

5. Someone from my past found me all random like and she wasn't a stalker - that's always good.

6. Um HELLO SATELLITE TV! And.. um.. YAY!

7. FIVE days til VEGAS!

Ok.. that's enough.. and I'll start from the most obvious.. you're probably wondering.. um.. hi.. yeah.. Vegas??! You've sorta left that out of ALL your posts lately.. WTF? And.. uh.. are you taking me?

Well.. yes, I have left that out.. mainly cuz I'm retarded and of scattered mind lately, I've simply forgotten.. and no, sorry.. no room for you, tho yes, you're completely lovely and I wish I could take you, but Loren, the bestest EVER gay boyfriend a straight girl could ask for, is coming with me.. as is my whole office. Did I mention they're paying for oh.. EVERYTHING? Not gambling.. no no.. but you know.. airfare, hotel, 2 gigantic dinners and most likely drinks (my office.. um.. drinks a little..) for anyone who's been there a year or more AND a guest. We will be staying at the fabulous Mandalay Bay Hotel.. Hi.. it's GOLD. Like the whole building! And since yours truly has never been to the hotel, let alone Vegas (oh, I know.. don't start - I've been to Norway, ok? Have you?!), so I'm utterly clueless as to what's going on there, let me tell you, other than from heresay.. but there's a river that runs thru this hotel.. a RIVER people.. and a WAVE POOL. Where people SURF. Like.. for real. Like they were in the OCEAN.. except, TOTALLY NOT.. cuz they're IN THE LOBBY.. or at least that's what I'm imagining.. so don't ruin it for me til I can take pictures and prove it to you. Don't think I won't either.

It's going to be RAD (Yes, I'm bringing that word back. Shut up.)! Loren even got us Front. Row. Center. seats to see the Cirque Du Soleil's show 'O'. I'm not even going to tell you what he paid for EACH ticket cuz it's simply gross.. Let's just say he won't be splurging on me for any number of holidays or birthdays for years to come..

And WHO watched Grey's Anatomy tonight in the most beautifully CLEAR picture I've ever seen in my life?! Oh dear God, when The Satellite Guy (he corrected me when I called him *gasp* The Cable Guy) was completed and was about to leave, I had to stifle the urge to hug him. It was difficult. I already have all the Lost episodes ready to record.. and every single damn minute of the Oscars on Sunday, since I'll be coming back to sanity from Vegas - the pre-show dallying and gawking at everyone's cleavage in their overpriced gowns as well as the main show and of course, the aftermath discussing who messed up in dress choices and who was cute as could be or annoying-as-ever-Tom-and-Katie-gagging-combo and then I have ALL. DAY. OFF. the next day to watch all blissful zillion hours of that fine fine evening.. I love that shit. I'm ridiculous. Yes I know this already.. be quiet.

That leads finely into Swimming in the Shallows, which is this fun play I saw with Keither on Thursday.. and yes, I'm so going out of order.. so sue me. But this play is great! It's funny! There's a shark in it! It's done by Washington Ensemble Theatre, or W E T as they're called, which couldn't be more perfect for a Seattle-based theatre company. The acting couldn't have been better really, the set was simple, yet very cool, the script is contemporary and quick-witted.. and um.. the guy who played the shark was cute. Not like I noticed or anything, he's probably 12, but.. still. If you live here, seriously, go see it.. like, now. I'm not kidding. Don't make me come over there..

Friday night was Brandi Carlile, and Wow. A-MAY-ZING voice, which I think every time I see her, and oh.. randomly, we were right next to her GRANDMOTHER whom I had to gush for a moment all over cuz I told her we thought her grandaughter was incredible.. She said something to the effect of 'Oh, we think that too,' and called me 'baby' a few times when she asked to get by us. Tee hee..

And get this.. I got a message on myspace yesterday from a very nice girl named Treena saying something about me looking good, hi, how are you, see you later. That was it. Obviously, I think, well, that's nice of that very nice young girl to find me all out of the blue and say such nice nice things and then I see her cute little profile and she's from Lincoln City, where I went to high school, and in the span of a millisecond I put all the things together and then it hits me: Um.. duh.. that's TREENA.. like, the Treena who was in the same high school class as YOU dummy (this is what I was saying to myself.. not you, the reader.. out there.. duh.. unless you know her.. ?)! And we exchange a few messages over myspace and I read some of her blogs and, get this.. she sounds just like me. Like a lot lot. And I'm trying to remember.. I didn't think we were that close, but we had many of the same classes, hung around the same people, tho I was much MUCH nerdier and oh, you should've just SEEN my eyebrows.. well, you will never, but trust me.. scary. Me = big BIG dork in high school, tho at least not completely stupid.. and her = rather popular, fun, sweet.. don't have anything bad to say about her at all, especially since her parents owned a candy store in town and there's really nothing bad you can say about someone who's parents own a candy store now can you? I think at some point we were cheerleaders together, but it was 17 years ago, so I could be wrong. Yeah.. hi, did you catch that? SEVENTEEN YEARS.. AGO. In the past. When perms were in, people. Oh.. it was a frightening time. But it made my whole day to find out what she's been doing all this time - girl's in the Air Force.. da-ham! She's married, two gorgeous little girls and we'll be trading more pictures of all our friends' kids I'm sure and reminiscing like mad. Isn't this world so tiny sometimes? It's just wee!

Last night - yes now Sunday is last night cuz it's Monday at 7:06pm right now - I do have things to do people - I did get busy tho - noooo.. not that kind of busy you filthy filthy monsters.. somehow I just got on a mission and now I'm almost completely unpacked! Things are starting to get organized and up on shelves and there's almost no newspaper OR cardboard left at all! And the roommate is almost picked.. skies are looking bluer even tho it's terribly rainy and grey here.. but I refuse to see that! Things are shining up.. they really are! Ok.. I'm delirious.. vegasvegasvegas!!

Aaaaaaaaand.. the brevity skills are so sucking.. have you noticed? No? Hm.. you look a little like a LIAR.. but that's ok. I like you for that. Keep that up.

4 days til VEGAS! Whoo hoo!

Random brightness

You know what I'm doing? Reading blogs.. Yes, the ones to your left. Err.. wait.. your right. Yes.. and also, I'm tired. But people, I'm doing some catch up! I've been so self-absorbed (yes, I said it..) that I've neglected YOU, my lovely little writers. You who write much, MUCH shorter than I! So you'd think it'd be easy! Quick like bunny.. but noooooooo.. I'm bad. I left to see a movie with girlfriends and how DARE I?! So I'm BACK! Just for YOU!!!

Ok.. so really I sort of um.. FORGOT the on call phone, which, when you work for a very small telecom company where you and your co-workers do a variety of tasks, including taking turns answering repair calls in the middle of the NIGHT, which is very not during the regularly scheduled working DAY.. you sort of have to do this once in a while.. like, um.. tonight. So I came back for it. AND you! Don't forget YOU! Really!

Did I mention you look really good today? Oh yeah.. you really do.. Is that a new shirt? Good color.. oh yeah.

But back to me.. and I will be brief (Ooh aren't you SO proud? I'm SO working on my brevity skills! And I'm getting better too! Ok.. maybe not just yet.. but it will happen.).

Tonight I hung out with the girls, Fatima and Abby, and we saw The Family Stone. There wasn't a lot of catching up time cuz it was a rush to the movie, a $4.50 bargain I might add at the Admiral Theatre.. yes I just might! Tho there may have been some pretzel splurging at the concessions by.. someone, I'm not naming names, who also may have added some it's-so-NOT-real-it-will-prevent-your-body-from-decomposing-when-you-DIE-but-you-love-it-anyway nacho cheese (notYOcheese) with that.. And oooh it was gooood.. and oooh the movie was kee-uuute! Ok.. I just need to say.. Luke Wilson? Yeah.. um.. dreeeeeeeee-meee! Mmm.. scruffy.

And then you know what else? I got a message from my friend Jay.. who's so so gorgeous, and yet, really just rambles on and on.. and ON when he leaves you a voicemail.. and he's STRAIGHT (Straight boys and rambly don't usually go together.. right? Not in my world.)! Don't believe me? I could tell him to call you.. seriously.. you have NO idea.. but there I was, laughing.. and you know what comes with laughing don't you? Smiling! Yes, I was doing BOTH of those things SIMULTANEOUSLY even! It was maybe even MAGIC. A doctor didn't even have to be called!

Ahh.. so, here I am, acknowledging silly things like a bargain movie with the girls and random messages from flaky, but not completely invisible, friends are good for me. Aaaaaand I almost forgot to mention the surprise Ironika B. bestowed upon me last Saturday - a cheery mani/pedi with Starbuck's in hand as my present for Valentine's! And ooh you should just SEE my toes girls.. SO pretty!! I swear, this is the cure for not biting my nails! Wish I'd thought of it sooner (and yes, T, I recognize you suggested this idea not terribly long ago. I just didn't really believe it'd work!).

Tomorrow is a play with Keither, Friday night is a Brandi Carlile concert at The Showbox with my friend Scott and his pack of 'gays of our lives' cuz we are big fans of great singers.. but you can't throw a stick without hitting a great gay singer these days.. not that there's anything wrong with that.. that is what the boys like, so I'm told, and Saturday I'm checking out some new roommate possibilities and OHMYGOD the CABLE GUY IS COMING! I'm not.. um.. excited about that or anything.. but if he just happens to get it ALL working and it's a bee-u-tee-fully CLEAR picture BEFORE the new Grey's Anatomy on Sunday, I think I may actually spontaneously combust! Hopefully not before the show tho.. or before the NEW LOST EPISODE as well. Duuuuuuuude.. I can barely contain my excitement.. tee hee!! <--- See that? I said 'dude' at 34 years old AND that is me containing, but barely.. honest!

It's nice to have some small sparkles in my world.. Even without the sun in this dreary winter, there's a tad bit of shine and I'm diggin' it.

Limping along

Hallelujah! It's over.. Sorry.. you HAD to know that was coming.. even if yours truly had not one, but three invitations for mixed company on Valentine's, it was a bit tough to remain bright and sparkly throughout the day. By 5pm, I was feeling not so shiny cuz honestly, I just missed boy.

Broken hearts are so not the rage kids.. No matter what anyone says.. don't believe the hype.. they're totally overrated.

I did get flowers tho.. a gorgeous bouquet of irises, daisies and lillies and my company for the evening couldn't have been sweeter.. however, loss.. change.. healing.. it's a lot of work to get thru and tho I did my best to keep it at bay that night, I knew that little ache was still there stewing. I mean, I'm doing well.. really.. and then sometimes, um.. yeah, not so much. But you know.. Life. Goes. On..

And Life has NOT been quiet in the least.. no it has not. Bad Life! No biscuit! Remember, I'm quite the magnet for drama even if I am trying to change that.. and there's been an unprecedented amount of crazy going on this last month and a half that's been sucking the life out of me, which involves a variety of people.. friends, new roommates, the new landlord.. good God.. if everyone doesn't fucking calm down, I'm not sure how I'm supposed to. But I tried.. tried to be reasonable and logical with everyone and in some cases, I succeeded. The landlord and I will be fine even tho he did raise the figures for the move-in costs from when we talked to the actual signing of papers - sure, sure.. I'm made of money. Yup.. totally. The new roommate is already moving out (don't make me go into this story.. at least not for another month. It's being resolved and another roommate will be found for the first, I hope.. and ohmygod.. will I have things to tell you people.. and you will say very delicately.. um.. helloooo.. how did you NOT see that coming??? And I will say very obviously.. um.. hi..yeah..you are talking to an idiot.. so.. um.. that's why.) and it's just better that way.

In other cases, it's likely another friendship could be severed over hurt feelings and misunderstandings.. tho it won't be for any lack of trying to save it on my part. The recent birthday invite excluded me and I surmised from that her final decision was made without my direct involvement. Dissolving a long-term friendship is not easy for me, especially when trying my best to cope with the most recent divergence in almost-boyfriendland to our own individual republics.. I'm just saying.. the rain of bad luck could STOP now.. um.. anytime even... Sigh.. I mean, girl is loyal to a fault - mine and theirs.. which is something I should probably work on, but, in hindsight, I've found when friendships are over, however difficult, it's probably been in the best interest of everyone involved, tho the jury's yet to make a formal decision on this one. We'll see..

Because of recent happenings, as of late, I've felt so very small and little girl-ish.. I've been wishing that my father were still alive to run to so he could tell me things will be ok. There's just that craving to be covered, to feel safe in the arms of a caring protecter.. Honestly tho, I don't remember either of my parents ever being that way too often, but my friends (especially the girlfriends who are incredible mother substitutes at times as I mentioned in the last post) have done their best to fill in when they can. But that urge for being sheltered by a strong man is something primal I've always needed. And no, I've never claimed to be the best feminist role model. Other than my father, there used to be more reliable male friends of mine upon whom I could rely.. and now, it's a smattering of exes who have remained good friends, but are rarely available or my friend of 15 years, Keith, who's like my older brother and therefore, even as faux family, he can't disown me.. Yet, male or female, I don't want to max out the patience of those who love and support me so I'm working to find my own inner-strength to break down the issues I'm facing into smaller ones I can manage.. calmly, gracefully.. remembering to breathe helps.. and I think it's working.. slowly.

And you know.. here's the best thing, to me anyway.. My little Jersey cow of a kitty is happy. Look at her so frickin cute playing with her catnip-filled mouse. This is a very happy girl, yes it is. Although, last week.. um.. we did have one little, tiiiiiny mishap involving her first outing one morning when she didn't come back. I had to leave for work, but when I returned, I heard her crying cuz she was trapped up the hill in the briars across the street and had been there ALL day. After much whining from her and me both, cursing myself for being a bad mommy, some trudging thru the thorns with my handy kitchen shears and never-ever-used-before gardening gloves (man those things come in handy!) while making A LOT of noise which she hates, she figured out how to get out on her own and without any harm done to herself, I might add, while I managed to scratch the crap out of my ENTIRE body in random places in my effort to SAVE my little girl.. there she was.. la la la.. in front of the house looking perfectly FINE, curious as to what the hell I was doing with a panicked look of relief on my face! Um.. yeah.. nice.

So the moral of the story here is not to get caught up in the briar patches.. cuz um.. when it starts to get really noisy, you'll find your way out all on your own.. (???) Or.. even if the thorns of life ruin your expensive jeans and snag your nice sweater, the reward is that you solved the problem on your own and found what you'd lost - maybe even something you weren't looking for to begin with.

Sounds like a good ending to me.

Strength of the female

I have a lot of people I'd call my friends, tho the group has dwindled some in recent years with prioritizing of who really matters at all times and who is merely an acquaintance or someone I'd rather not know at all after some thinking. I used to lean more towards male friends years ago when I was just starting my time in Seattle cuz that's just the way it happened, but over time, I've established a more even playing field in the men to women ratio and actually, whether there are more of them or not, my female friends find a way to stand out.

Among my group of girlfriends there accumulate various sorts of unfortunate circumstances endured in their pasts ranging from extreme physical and mental abuse, a plethora of conditions, illnesses and/or diagnoses to abortions, heartbreaks, deaths, random dissolutions, divorces, bad marriages, and worse parents. These struggles aren't how I identify them, but knowing they didn't escape their history unscathed, I'm awestruck at the amazing women they've become despite those challenges that could easily have broken anyone. In some of their situations, I really don't know how they survived..

Some of these women have children, want children, or are about to have children, some are great explorers/travelers/adventurers, they all inspire and challenge, they lead, they question, they answer, they feel.. Within those silver linings, they still have their own issues of insecurity, fear, lonliness, happiness, and hopes for success and worries of failure as mothers, friends, lovers, people. They admit their mistakes, try to see where they can improve, they remain open to suggestion and growth in order that they might learn something new. None try to be perfect, and we all second-guess ourselves from time to time, but, to me, their imperfections are what make them the extra sparkly diamonds they are.

Each of them has an incredible beauty about her that can quietly overwhelm you if you're unprepared. I'm not talking about the physical, tho that's a given and each woman has something rare and unique about her that causes heads to turn wherever she goes.. but they also have a power I've noticed - and I'm not kidding - be it an aura that maybe a few might be able to see, but which I don't have to in order to know it's there when I'm with any one of them. Combine a few in the same room and the energy is fierce. These women are striking, dynamic, determined, strong... and that's the allure I'm talking about.

In this time of self-reflection and review I'm going thru, each one of my girlfriends has given me at least one piece of ever-so-sound advice and/or a nudge of the positive for my ego like they were shiny pieces of candy made just for me. When opened up, the wrapping makes the happy, crinkly sounds of Christmas and once tasted, the sweetness of it all takes over and there's simply nothing I can do but feel loved and accepted. Being around them is addictive and tho the attractions to them for me are different, I can see why the men in their lives are as drawn to them as they are. Some are guarded and don't grant their trust easily, but the rewards of being patient in that aspect are certainly worth it for the tenacity of their loyalty alone once you've crossed that invisible line from acquaintance to friend. And, when you're in need, they don't fail to come thru for you.. ever.

These are women who know the meaning of friendship - a fundamental principle - especially as we get older when friendships are harder to create in the real world away from college campuses and hometowns. The girls have found new communities in their neighbors, their leaps to new careers, Burning Man, book clubs, play dates, writing retreats, drawing, dancing, and yoga classes.. yet they still understand the commitment to cultivate the old friendships that already exist - some for years.. the friends that know them inside and out, who possibly knew them with braces and big bangs and it amazes me that our lives can move in completely separate directions of house buying, career building, and family creating, yet we still manage to find the time to spend together, never running out of things to discuss even tho our interests aren't always the same.

Recently tho, a self-esteem deficit has permeated the group more than a little and it's not just me mucking about in uncertainty of self. It's funny how we more or less just echo each other in times like this.. the same things are said - you're smart, beautiful.. and you matter. Maybe it's not quite that simple, tho those things do help to hear. We ask questions, we delve into the situations which reflect a thinking that circles around co-workers, friends, family, and lovers 'putting up' with us, and we try to convince each other away from those damaging thoughts pointing out it's not just we who need to work at the relationship, work situation and/or family life. So we listen as one of us plays the story teller and with every other word, inflicts her own beating upon herself, calls herself crazy, and sometimes denies her feelings are even valid. The others of us are immediately there for reassurance, to pull her out of that dark place she's created, help her see the light that we already know exists around her that brightens our day, which brings life to those who love her cuz the positives by far outweigh any faults she may have, but are hard for the rest of us to find. The inner strength and confidence are there. Sometimes we all just need to hear what we already know about ourselves.. OR when the self-pitying gets to be too much, maybe even a good swift kick in the ass can do the trick. Don't think the girls aren't well-skilled in that.

When I'm in any difficult situation, one or two of them always pop into my mind and I do my best to channel their personality and see if any of their natural grace with which they solve problems has rubbed off on me. Sometimes I can tell it has.. and other times, I think I must not have paid close enough attention and need to take better notes. One of my favorites that has finally sunken in is from my best friend, Fatima, who always lets me know when she thinks something is complete bunk by saying it's simply not worth it. He's/She's not worth it, the argument isn't worth it, worrying/obsessing/talking about it Is. Not. Worth. It. And you know, I don't even have to think about it cuz instantly I know she's right.

My friends are my chosen family. They know I'd do anything for them even tho I have to remind some of the more stubborn girls regularly that it's ok to ask for help. I'd answer a call at any time of day or night, would be there at a moment's notice for support or just a shopping date simply cuz they asked. But that's an easy repayment for what I know their friendship gives me.. it makes me a better person, makes me stronger, bolder, and happier, makes me scrutinize my past mistakes and helps me prevent from making more of the same.. and it makes me feel incredibly blessed that they're apart of my life..

Of all my friends, my girlfriends are integral to my life. I need them. That's all there is to it. I've told a few of them recently I'd simply die without them - and tho it's an exaggeration, to some extent I feel like my spirit would give up if they weren't there. They've become a requirement in my world and it'd be a lot less colorful if even one of them wasn't in it. They make me feel brighter from the inside out.. like a little lantern - ok, like a very talkative little lantern.. but whatever.. Their unending supply of support, generosity, honesty, strength, kindness, or a handy firm tone when it's required doesn't surprise me. I know them.. they're capable of anything and I could never say I'm grateful enough. In their company, I glow just from the light that radiates from them.. and when they laugh, they shine - all north star like..

I hope they know how much they mean to me.