Limping along

Hallelujah! It's over.. Sorry.. you HAD to know that was coming.. even if yours truly had not one, but three invitations for mixed company on Valentine's, it was a bit tough to remain bright and sparkly throughout the day. By 5pm, I was feeling not so shiny cuz honestly, I just missed boy.

Broken hearts are so not the rage kids.. No matter what anyone says.. don't believe the hype.. they're totally overrated.

I did get flowers tho.. a gorgeous bouquet of irises, daisies and lillies and my company for the evening couldn't have been sweeter.. however, loss.. change.. healing.. it's a lot of work to get thru and tho I did my best to keep it at bay that night, I knew that little ache was still there stewing. I mean, I'm doing well.. really.. and then sometimes, um.. yeah, not so much. But you know.. Life. Goes. On..

And Life has NOT been quiet in the least.. no it has not. Bad Life! No biscuit! Remember, I'm quite the magnet for drama even if I am trying to change that.. and there's been an unprecedented amount of crazy going on this last month and a half that's been sucking the life out of me, which involves a variety of people.. friends, new roommates, the new landlord.. good God.. if everyone doesn't fucking calm down, I'm not sure how I'm supposed to. But I tried.. tried to be reasonable and logical with everyone and in some cases, I succeeded. The landlord and I will be fine even tho he did raise the figures for the move-in costs from when we talked to the actual signing of papers - sure, sure.. I'm made of money. Yup.. totally. The new roommate is already moving out (don't make me go into this story.. at least not for another month. It's being resolved and another roommate will be found for the first, I hope.. and ohmygod.. will I have things to tell you people.. and you will say very delicately.. um.. helloooo.. how did you NOT see that coming??? And I will say very obviously.. um.. hi..yeah..you are talking to an idiot.. so.. um.. that's why.) and it's just better that way.

In other cases, it's likely another friendship could be severed over hurt feelings and misunderstandings.. tho it won't be for any lack of trying to save it on my part. The recent birthday invite excluded me and I surmised from that her final decision was made without my direct involvement. Dissolving a long-term friendship is not easy for me, especially when trying my best to cope with the most recent divergence in almost-boyfriendland to our own individual republics.. I'm just saying.. the rain of bad luck could STOP now.. um.. anytime even... Sigh.. I mean, girl is loyal to a fault - mine and theirs.. which is something I should probably work on, but, in hindsight, I've found when friendships are over, however difficult, it's probably been in the best interest of everyone involved, tho the jury's yet to make a formal decision on this one. We'll see..

Because of recent happenings, as of late, I've felt so very small and little girl-ish.. I've been wishing that my father were still alive to run to so he could tell me things will be ok. There's just that craving to be covered, to feel safe in the arms of a caring protecter.. Honestly tho, I don't remember either of my parents ever being that way too often, but my friends (especially the girlfriends who are incredible mother substitutes at times as I mentioned in the last post) have done their best to fill in when they can. But that urge for being sheltered by a strong man is something primal I've always needed. And no, I've never claimed to be the best feminist role model. Other than my father, there used to be more reliable male friends of mine upon whom I could rely.. and now, it's a smattering of exes who have remained good friends, but are rarely available or my friend of 15 years, Keith, who's like my older brother and therefore, even as faux family, he can't disown me.. Yet, male or female, I don't want to max out the patience of those who love and support me so I'm working to find my own inner-strength to break down the issues I'm facing into smaller ones I can manage.. calmly, gracefully.. remembering to breathe helps.. and I think it's working.. slowly.

And you know.. here's the best thing, to me anyway.. My little Jersey cow of a kitty is happy. Look at her so frickin cute playing with her catnip-filled mouse. This is a very happy girl, yes it is. Although, last week.. um.. we did have one little, tiiiiiny mishap involving her first outing one morning when she didn't come back. I had to leave for work, but when I returned, I heard her crying cuz she was trapped up the hill in the briars across the street and had been there ALL day. After much whining from her and me both, cursing myself for being a bad mommy, some trudging thru the thorns with my handy kitchen shears and never-ever-used-before gardening gloves (man those things come in handy!) while making A LOT of noise which she hates, she figured out how to get out on her own and without any harm done to herself, I might add, while I managed to scratch the crap out of my ENTIRE body in random places in my effort to SAVE my little girl.. there she was.. la la la.. in front of the house looking perfectly FINE, curious as to what the hell I was doing with a panicked look of relief on my face! Um.. yeah.. nice.

So the moral of the story here is not to get caught up in the briar patches.. cuz um.. when it starts to get really noisy, you'll find your way out all on your own.. (???) Or.. even if the thorns of life ruin your expensive jeans and snag your nice sweater, the reward is that you solved the problem on your own and found what you'd lost - maybe even something you weren't looking for to begin with.

Sounds like a good ending to me.