Loyalties

A friend of mine who owns a retail store in the city told me about a guy who came in the other day. He had a name that reminded her of one of my exes and since he bought something she told me his last name and she was right to be reminded, tho he wasn't an ex. He was a former friend - the worse of those two evils. Out of the blue a couple of years ago, he'd broken up our friendship over instant message. To this day, I still don't respect the fact he did that but obviously our friendship wasn't that great if he could destroy it over the internet by telling me he didn't care in so many words and clicking 'enter.' But the funny thing was that before I told her that, she said there was just something about him that she didn't like, the way he talked about his girlfriend, that he was just waiting for one of them to break it off, and that he seemed like a lot of the other bachelors in this town: unappreciative and unworthy of any of the amazing women who live here. I would agree. She has good instincts.

A closer girlfriend pulled the Instant Message Friendship Break Up almost a year and a half ago now and she was someone I cared about dearly and had really enjoyed getting to know over the course of about four or five years. She was witty and fashionable and terribly intelligent.. and I liked her wry sense of humor. I don't recall any specific thing causing it tho there were things we could've worked out better, but there was a look of intent I'd recognized from others who've walked away in my past, like a checklist of things against me was being created, not to mention, was beginning to add up.

I think, looking back, she was dropping hints that she needed to air out her life, like a pair of dirty shoes was smelling up the closets of her soul or something. I wouldn't say she actually dealt with her inner conflict, but it weighed on her to the point she couldn't deny that severing the friendship was what she wanted to do. It's too bad she didn't think I warranted the level of respect and care it would've taken to try to talk it out or address it in person.

It's odd to me that this has been a repetitive occurrence in my life - someone who's been defined by close friends as having one of the biggest hearts of anyone they know - a quality one would think many would be drawn to. Oh sure, I'm sassy, but I'm all about the big talk. That's just part of the game. For friends and lovers there is no limit to how much I care.. and they all know that - or should. It has certainly been my downfall in many cases of broken hearts and letting go and caused me so much pain at times when all I wanted to do was move on and for whatever reason, just couldn't. And in the last couple of years I've learned some things about myself - how to have more realistic expectations of people, how to stop giving too much, how to make better choices and make myself happier.. and I hope I've grown beyond that person who can be easily dismissed just by the click of a mouse.

Still, we all go thru those spring cleaning periods, getting rid of all the extra clutter.. people who've let us down, people who don't initiate or ever give back, people who can't find room in their hearts to respect or stand up for you... people who all too easily forget they ever had a history with you.. however small.

I understand that I was probably a bit of that clutter for some people. How we had grown together as friends or lovers was as far as we could grow. They needed to separate in order to continue and I'm sure I've decided the same thing about others - just not over instant message. But I know I haven't handled every situation perfectly and was probably less than direct at times I only wanted to feel released.

While talking about our pasts, someone told me recently that he only wants volunteers in his life.. only those who sincerely want to be there and be involved.

Wow.. what a bold concept, I thought. And I instantly recognized I was missing that idea from my life.. and that needed to change.

But then I began to feel nervous. What if there are no volunteers for my cause? Or only a handful? What if those I've been struggling to hold onto for so long finally fade away because it's clear I didn't matter enough to compel them to actively participate in the volunteer ranks anyway? What if I'm not loved? I mean.. volunteered love is the best kind of love, the only kind that's real anyway. I haven't found that it's hard to spot when it's really there, but I can become self-indulgent wondering how much is really marked for my personal use when I'm feeling alone and frustrated.. and who wants to volunteer for me then?

I remind myself that I'm only human. That I'm prone to over-thinking. That those who would hurt me or go out of their way to one up me because they think they have a point to prove or want to feel superior in some way are doing so because there is something inherently weak within themselves and they'd like me to feel the same way. That I can only control what I can control, which is only myself and the energy that I put out to the world. That I really am just trying to be a better person every day. That I have power and strength and I don't have to be pushy or loud for people to know I possess those qualities. That I do matter.. to someone.. to many.. and deserve respect.. deserve defending.. deserve validity for the feelings I express.

That I am a good friend.. thoughtful at random times, supportive at needed times, perfectly worn in like an old coat, cozy and comfortable - I hope.

I'm still finding my way.. and finding other volunteers to come along hasn't always been easy, but for those who've stuck by me, and they know who they are, my heart swells at the thought of how much they care, with an extra fondness for those who are best at providing the 'tough love' I often need.

I don't think about the ones in the past who've already made their escape. They've long ago been released, but for the ones still on the fence who will eventually decide it's just too much work or too long of a hike, all I can say is here is the door to my heart: don't let it hit you in the ass on your way out.