March Meme-ness

It has been an inordinate amount of time since I've done a meme.. and I'm feeling listy. Sorry Treena.. I had to start, but feel free to add if you're tagged or you just feel like stealing. Warning: some of these are think-about-ers..

1. Finish this statement 5 times: It's ok _____

*..to have at least one self-pitying evening once in a while in front of a tear-jerker chic flic with the cat curled up on your lap and sipping a large glass of wine already having ingested the best grilled cheese and bowl of tomato soup ever.

*..to not have to talk about absolutely everything.

*..that some friendships will mean more than others, that some people will never let you in as close as you might like and that you also keep some at a safe distance.

*..if things don't always work out the way you'd like them to because they work out the way they're meant to.

*..to clean the entire house and leave your bedroom, the impossible task, for another day that you can dedicate the time necessary.. because.. ohmygod, that will take hours, if not days.

First Times:
2. The first time I realized there was someone in my life I would run into a burning building for was: when my friend, Nic, died my last year in college. Ironically of course, it was upon hearing about his death that I realized genuinely that I would've traded places with him if I could've - honestly.. in a second. Nic was a stubborn ass a lot of the time tho, like me, and he would've never have stood for that sort of thinking from me. And knowing I wasn't handling my grief well, he made sure to let me know he was ok because after he died, I felt his presence for about a month. I can't explain a bond like that or how I knew he was there.. and maybe that's why I'm so earnest about how much my friends mean to me.

3. The first time I realized I didn't have to have a good reason to say no to someone or something was: when a friend in college said that life is too short to spend time with people that you don't want to be around after she'd wiggled her way out of a conversation with someone she didn't want to talk to. It was an eye-opener.. not that I was always nice or anything, but that I realized there was always a graceful way to get out of any situation and at the same time, you could, if you wanted, tactfully let that person know you didn't care for their company.

4. The first time I scared the bejeesus out of myself and loved it was: when I went to Norway on foreign exchange after I graduated high school. I was supposed to go to France since I'd taken 3 years of the language.. but the smaller company we'd gone with screwed that all up because of their own disorganization and Norway was where there was a host family. But they were lovely and so was the town, Ski (sounds like 'She'), and tho I didn't stay the whole 10 months (I know I've told that story here before), it was exhilarating to be abroad for the first time. I regret not behaving better, not trying harder, but I was only 17 and there were misunderstandings on everyone's part.. It was still an amazing experience and I'd go back in a second.

5. The first time I walked away from someone or something I finally realized was bad for me was: some years ago now after a fight with a friend of mine who I used to date casually. He lived in BC and was the first friend my group of gay boyfriends and I had made up there on our first trip together. And he was straight.. and brilliant and attractive. And angry. A lot. It took years of knowing him to fully realize how angry he could get at the drop of a hat and for no reason whatsoever. We'd once fought over the phone and to this day, I have no idea why he was so angry with me as it was an innocent conversation, but he was fuming at the time and just like that conversation, when he came down for a weekend to visit, something clicked and again he was angry out of no where. Both of those arguments I spent the majority of trying to backtrack in my head and figure out what the hell was going on and how we'd arrived in that place of disagreement, which only served to make him angrier because I wasn't completely paying attention due to my confusion. It was the only time in my life I recognized an abuser and I was genuinely afraid he would hit me. He didn't, but he belittled me for saying it when he heard me on the phone in tears to Loren asking him to come get me.. and I then actually tried to pull myself together and told Loren I was fine.

After the weekend ended, he was still amazingly angry and I knew I needed to extricate him from my life or I would continue to be in this place with him I had never seen myself in before. I wrote him a very long email explaining what his actions had done and that I could never be friends with someone who made me feel so small or whom I felt threatened by.*

6. When I was younger I used to be: painfully shy. You'd never ever believe it, but I remember being in 8th grade and a boy walked by me and said hello.. and I instantly put my head down and mumbled a quiet hello back and just kept walking.
6a. And now I'm: SO not shy.. at least not usually. Somewhere in high school I found my voice and I just kept getting more extroverted from there.
6b: Which makes me: happy knowing that most often I speak up, I say what I think, I'm direct more than most people I know and sometimes, that's what the situation calls for (tho now it's about learning to choose the right moments for all that).

7. An insecurity I've never been able to shake: is wanting beyond anything else to fit in and be included. I clearly remember a 5th grade moment, following my friend Gina to wherever she was going at the time and she turned around and angrily told me to stop following her. I was crushed. I didn't know what to do because who was I supposed to hang around with if not her? And sometimes, that feeling comes back to haunt me because I don't need a lot of solitary time. I thrive on being social and around friends, but I'm learning more to take time for myself and figure out how to enjoy my own company.

8. Something I find completely disgusting: is watching people leave the bathroom without washing their hands! Obvious, right? Not to some. So the other day I was at the gym and I stepped in one stall and realized there was no toilet paper so I moved a couple stalls over. I heard someone come in and since there are only three stalls and she didn't get in the one next to me, I knew she was in the one without paper - not that I warned her or anything.. I mean.. hi.. LOOK for the necessities BEFORE plopping down just anywhere.. And the whole time I'm like.. what is she going to use?! Which freaked me out because.. ok.. I have bathroom issues. BUT I heard the crumpling sound of tissue.. which meant she was using the toilet seat protector things to do her business.. and I'm like.. well.. ew.. but ok.. desperate times and all that.. and then I'm out washing my hands and she just bolts out of the stall and on her way. NO WASHING AT ALL! Um.. hellloooo.. YOU JUST USED A SINGLE PLY TOILET SEAT COVER TO WIPE! Ewwwwwwwww!

*It's ok to sever a friendship by email in this case, in my opinion. Say what you will.

Tagging: Irony, Treena, Kari, Pom, Wendy, Kara, the Duck, TAB, Léonie, Lady Miss (if you have time), and anyone else who wants to.. go!