This Is It!

She called. It's really her..

She's as happy and overwhelmed as I am.

I'm driving down to Portland to see her tomorrow night.

I don't have any waterproof mascara.. damn.

More to come my pretties. This is truly a monumental occasion. As soon as I'm able to find words after my first meeting with her, you'll all hear the story.

Thanks everyone for your kind words of support. You helped give me the courage to go thru with this and this is.. everything..

Mwah!

Music Share: Win!

So I'm on this iTunes sharing kick.. and wow.. this is going to be challenging because already at the b's, I have a lot of favorites. So I'll just get going (I'm leaving out the album because hi, y'all have the interweb and your search engines aren't broken..)..

B's

Baby I Love You - Aretha Franklin: Because hi. The woman can sing. Duh. This is a classic.

Baby, It's Cold Outside - I personally love Dean Martin's voice, but my favorite version is from the movie, Elf, because Zooey Deschanel's voice is so dreamy.. I fully covet it. It's my favorite holiday song.

Baby's Got Sauce - G. Love & Special Sauce: This song always makes me think of second boyfriend in Seattle, Anthony - now not so much into monogamy, but I got him well before that. Never had Movie Love before I met him. We still sing this song to each other and smile.

Back Together - Citizen Cope: You'd think I listened to a lot of this guy, but I really don't. Til I alphabetized, I didn't realize I dug so much of his music. The beginning of this sounds straight out of something by Love & Rockets. Yeah, um.. you young'ns won't know who they are..

Backbone - The Tremens: When I met my friend Fatima, I met her rockstar boyfriend at the time and I started dating his drummer, Curtis. Curtis and I were short-lived, but I still have fond memories. He was in this band prior to Fatima's boyfriend's band, Dorkweed, and this was their only cd, Lipsicate. Fuckin great song. It's not on iTunes, so if you want to hear lyrics as great as 'It's in your backbone, I'm singing sha la la, puttin' butter on your scone', email me and I'll send you a copy. You won't be sorry.

Backfire - Aimee Mann: Anthony and I were really into her a few years ago and I still think Bachelor #2 is one of her best cd's. This is just a catchy little thing. She's also married to Michael Penn, brother to Chris and Sean Penn, and who I saw in a small club in Portland in high school and who still is awesome in his own right. So.

Bad Romance - Lady Gaga: Ok, sure, this is just guilty pleasure pop, but the woman not only can play piano gorgeously, but her voice is kick ass.

Baker Baker - Tori Amos: One of the most touching and lovely songs she ever sang I think.

Banana Pancakes - Jack Johnson: I love me some sexy man voice and a guitar. Nothin. Hotter. Plus? He's just singing to his love a happy song about pancakes. Hello?! Awesome.

Bathwater - No Doubt: Ah the days before Gwen was solo. She rocks now, but she always did.

Battle of Who Could Care Less - Ben Folds Five: Saw them open for Counting Crows. Let's just say they were much better than the headliners. He took off his belt and played the piano with it. And even the name is a crack up. They were only three guys. Way to buck the norm, Ben.

Be The One - The Ting Tings: Just fun. They got me thru last summer, in a loud way.

Beautiful Dirty Rich - Lady Gaga: I know, I know. Another. Pfft. You try not to like her.

Because - The Beatles: Just love the fullness and harmonies.

Because I Told You So - Jonatha Brooke: The version from her Live album is much more raw but she's by far one of my favorite singer/songwriters. Her voice is like butter and I'm so jealous of how she writes music. This song is bittersweet and embodies so many endings of my relationships.

Behind The Wheel - Depeche Mode: A classic and I was at this concert too.. also probably in high school. God love Dave Gahan and all his angsty gorgeousness.

Belief - John Mayer: This boy needs a PR rep like nobody's business so he stops putting his foot in his mouth, but before that and still really, he can play guitar like.. damn. I love the second verse.

Belle - Jack Johnson: Less than two minutes, few lyrics, and I'm instantly in Paris as soon as it begins.. ahh.

Beta Boy - Misstress Barbara: Just kick ass electronic. Plus, this woman doesn't mess around. I saw her spin years ago at an enormous rave a friend threw. MB demanded a few things including a room at the W Hotel, 12 bottles of her favorite beer on ice, and four hours to spin. She wasn't getting four hours regardless, only two, but her set? Fucking phenomenal.

Better After All - Jonatha Brooke: Might be bordering on that AC (adult contemporary) label, but there's just something about her I love.

Better Together - Jack Johnson: Weird.. there sure are a lot of B songs by J named people here. This is in the same vein as Banana Pancakes for me.. sweet, lovely, and I want someone with a sexy voice and a guitar to write and sing me a song like this.

Better Version Of Me - Fiona Apple: Love her, love her voice, love everything she does. I have no idea what she's singing about thru most of the song, but it ends with the title and it's sometimes my motto for the day.. Here's coming a better version of me..

Between Sheets - Imogen Heap: I love the way she sings 'absolute bliss'.. and I want some.

Between The Bars - Elliott Smith: More Good Will Hunting. He put out some good stuff then.

Between The Lines - Sarah Bareilles: She has an honest voice I gravitate to, plus she plays piano beautifully.. This one is simple, a little pop, but touching.

Big Lie, Small World - Sting: My friend Sharon and I have an obsession with this man. This song could border on boring, but try to count it.. it's not in 4/4 time.. he does that a lot and I have no clue how. Plus the lyrics are all about a break up letter and this whole comic adventure trying to get it back.

Big Time - Peter Gabriel: He's just kind of a genius. And this video was amazing at the time.

Bizarre Love Triangle - New Order: God love the 80's, I mean, I don't know if the song itself is happy, but hearing it always makes me feel that way. Love the lyrics, love the feel, and it never gets old.

Black Celebration - Depeche Mode: Ahh.. a classic.

Black Horse & The Cherry Tree - KT Tunstall: This song was her big break out. Still one of her best tho not sure what the hell she's singing about, but saw her play it live, she looped all the backgrounds on her the thing she calls the wee bastard and her voice fuckin rocks.

Blackbird - The Beatles: I like Sarah McLachlan's version because it's terribly lovely and slower than the original, which I think it needed.

Bleu - Mark Farina: One of my favorite dj's. Nerdy as all get out, but he knows what he's doing.

The Blower's Daughter - Damien Rice: Always a haunting type of guy, but this song made even more so used at the end of the movie Closer for some reason.. I love the strings in it.

Blue Monday - New Order: My other favorite of theirs.. So so high school. In a good way.

Blue Skies - Landon Pigg: Wrote Falling In Love At A Coffee Shop. I'm a sucker for boys who write girly lyrics and sound all broken about it.. sort of like Joshua Radin.

Bombo - Orishas: Spanish and sometimes French hip-hop.. love it.

Bottle It Up - Sarah Bareilles: A little more poppy and radio-friendly, but whatever. I like her.

Breakable - Ingrid Michaelson: Her voice is perfect and I've missed listening to her for oh, eight months or so because The Boy introduced me to her music.. but she's lovely and girly. Love her.

Breathe (2am) - Anna Nalick: Completely over-played, but still her best song.

Breathe - Telepopmusik: Probably one of my favorite songs of all time. I relax every nerve in my body when I hear it and I've really needed that lately.

Breathe In - Frou Frou: Who Imogen Heap was before she was solo I assume. Groovy.

Breathe Me (Mylo Remix) - Sia: Don't have anything else by her, but I love this version of this song.

Brighter Than Sunshine - Aqualung: Seriously one of the most perfect love songs ever.

Brown Derby Jump - Cherry Poppin' Daddies: Anthony and I cut quite a rug when swing was popular. Saw them in college and they were a good and sexy dirty too. Didn't know how to swing dance then, but, I went not too long ago and couldn't remember a damn thing.

Bubbly - Colbie Caillat: Sickeningly sweet, sure.. but when I'm in love, it's fuckin adorable, ok? Pffft.. you don't know.

Bulletproof - Rilo Kiley: Random and cute.

Burrito - Pete Yorn: He opened for the Foo Fighters once and he's awesome in his own right but still sort of obscure-ish. Not sure why. Any song combining burritos and love should rock.

Bury My Heart At Wounded Knee - Indigo Girls: A political statement, one of many they're known for making, but I love my lesbian folk rock chics.

Buster Voodoo - Rodrigo y Gabriela: If you don't know who they are, find out. Just guitar and kick ass at that. The cd never does them justice because live, they're fucking phenomenal. Look them up on youtube and find out yourself. Trust me.

But Not Tonight - Depeche Mode: So 80's, but probably one of my favorite songs of theirs. Always makes me happy.

Butterflies & Hurricanes - Muse: If I could marry a voice, this man's is one I'd choose. He kills.. Plus the level of music they create is crazy genius. Listen to the classical piano solo mid-song. Makes you go 'Wtf?' but also, 'Do it again!'

Ok. Bed. Now. Zzz.

Set Backs Could Stop.. Anytime Now.. Thanks

There's a bunch of positive energy going around and you'd think karma might kick in and I'm still holding out hope it will.. but as it always goes, sometimes there's just another shoe waiting to drop or someone else waiting to kick you down as you try to get up. So on the same day I reached someone at the house of the woman who might be my birth mother (not her), I also got the letter from Employment Security saying they backed my former employer and are denying my unemployment benefits.

One step forward.. knocked two back.

Sigh. I need a job.

I may hear next week regarding one that I have to admit I'm holding my breath for.. The timing would be great and I think it's a position that's not only in the field in which I have experience, but one I could really sink my teeth into. I let them know I reached this epiphany without saying exactly why, but they've also worked with me in the past being a vendor of my last employer so they know how I fight for my clients and this could be an advantage to them. I'm really crossing everything possible and whatever god is out there, collective energy of souls.. I hope they hear my prayers.

So this morning was gorgeous, in the upper 50's and headed to mid-60's they say. I had my coffee, was awake enough and thought.. ok, let's do this. I dialed Carmen's number again. This time her husband answered and I almost couldn't breathe. It was an awkward conversation trying not to give away too much and also not seem predatory. She just returned home from the hospital last night after undergoing surgery. He said she was resting and asked if it could wait a couple of weeks, asked if I was an old friend from school and I said, "Um.. no, not from school, she doesn't know me.. I'm more.. a relative. But I've been looking for her for a while so I can wait a while longer to make sure she's the right person, no problem.." He sounded a little less guarded knowing I wasn't a collector or telemarketer maybe, but he was protective. I was so close.. but I'll call again next Saturday. I'm not giving up now.

************************

To distract myself - and possibly you, my dear readers, I've taken the iTunes off of shuffle as someone else's idea made me reorganize alphabetically by song. Ingenious, I thought, and I'm making myself go thru the whole thing til I've hit the end. I'm only into the B's and I've been listening for a couple of weeks. I have to say, I have a great collection I'm happy with and thought sporadically, I'd share the best with you. Keep in mind I like a variety of things - pop, dance/techno from my raver days, really good damn rock, 80's from growing up because.. helloo.. I'm old, people, some things you might call adult contemporary a.k.a slow, mellow, borrrring to some maybe but whatever, and singer/songwriter types some of which are good for chilly Sunday nights or broken hearts or pms days with a pint of Haagen-Dazs. I also like things that sound different, am a musical theater soundtrack whore and have some classical mixed in.. so if you care, search them all up and take a listen. I know I'm such a trendsetter that you'd all follow me in a heartbeat (Ha! As if! Hi last person EVER to get a dvd player/cell phone/rollerblades and see Avatar), but don't blame me if you spend a zillion dollars downloading from iTunes and I'm too quirky or lame for your personal taste. I won't be offended. Seriously. My gift to you.

A's

Again Again - Lady Gaga/The Fame - She seriously has an amazing voice here.

Aha! - Imogen Heap/Ellipse - I love the sound of this one.

Ain't No Sunshine When She's Gone - Bill Withers/Greatest Hits - My ex, Ali, put this on his voicemail when we dated years ago so when I would call, I would hear it and know he was thinking of me. God love that man.

All Dressed Up - Citizen Cope/Every Waking Moment - Just feels good.

All My Life - Foo Fighters/One By One - Just a great rock song and one of the best concerts I've ever seen in my life. Dave Grohl is just hot in my opinion.

All These Things That I've Done - The Killers/Hot Fuss - Any song with a choir in the background should royally kick ass and this one does.

All My Loving - The Beatles (tho the version I have is from the movie, Across The Universe sung by Jim Sturgess, but we'll just say the original is damn catchy.

All You Need Is Love - The Beatles - This truly is a timeless song for me..

Angel - Jack Johnson/Sleep Through The Static - I put this on a cd for The Boy - it doesn't hurt as much anymore.. and he wondered why he didn't find it for me, but it's still a perfect song.

Angel On My Shoulder - Kaskade/Strobelight Seduction - Love most everything Kaskade spins. The gays of our lives and I saw him live not too long ago and danced our asses off.

Angel's Heap - The Finn Brothers/Finn - I love Neil Finn, formerly of Crowded House, a lot. He writes amazing lyrics. His brother, Tim, sang with him on this album, who also doesn't suck.

Angeles - Elliott Smith/Good Will Hunting Soundtrack - Just another good one.

Anything I'm Not - Lenka/Lenka - This girl is just cute all over. I like the way she writes.

Apres Moi - Regina Spektor/Begin To Hope - This song makes me think of big Russians for some reason.. but I love it. Totally different.

Ashes - KT Tunstall/KT Tunstalls' Acoustic Extravaganza - Almost country, not quite, but I love the cussing in this one.

Astair - Matt Costa/Songs We Sing - Discovered him while dating The Boy and he's addicting.

Atlantic - Keane/Under The Iron Sea - I liked the album before this, but didn't love them til this one. Just find this one moving.

Au Pays De Gandhi - MC Solaar/Mach 6 - French rapping. What else could you possibly want?

Australia - The Shins/Wincing The Night Away - The very beginning you can barely hear they say 'Time to put the earphones on' in this very almost bossy German voice and this teeny tiny little girl's voice says emphatically, 'NO!' It's just awesome.

Awe - Citizen Cope/Every Waking Moment - This guy just kinda grooves. I love it. And there's horns in it.

Ok - off to the gym to work out this strange day. Love to you, kittens!

Questions.. For Someone.. People Maybe..

I called.

Mom, Gram, all y'all told me to. So I did. Two days ago. In the middle of the afternoon. She should be 69 so.. why wasn't she home? Lunch special at Sizzler? Wtf? And um.. she didn't call back. So my guess is.. she won't? Yeah.. something like that.

What makes her different from the last lame guy?

Well.. besides the obvious.. yes, but.. still..

These might be the thoughts I've had since the moment I hung up the phone after leaving a voicemail with just my basic info and for her to call me back (because yeah.. that would make anyone call back.. a complete stranger.. not asking for anything with much specificity AT ALL.. right, I'd be right on that immediately):

* Crap. I just left the woman who could be my birth mother a voicemail.

* She hasn't gone by her maiden name since 1974. So to have someone ask for her, the her whose maiden name might be Chavez, might turn on a light/clue her in/cause anxiety she hasn't felt in 38 years.

* Seriously.. A FUCKING VOICEMAIL?! AM I INSANE?! Gah.. Don't answer that.

* She left the Bay Area around three months pregnant - probably before she was showing much - and I know she couldn't be in the relationship with whomever my father was.. but maybe she left without telling him.. about the not showing yet.. about me.

* Uh.. yeah.. why is that thought JUST NOW occurring to me? Wow.. could she have.. ? Really?

Until about 10 years ago, she was the only person I was looking for. I assumed she was probably around 17 and in 'trouble' at the time. And then I sent away for my pre-adoption record and she was 30. That changed the perspective. At 17, it's a necessity. But at 30? That's a significant decision. So I just assumed they made the choice together, broke off their relationship for whatever reason (he was married to a woman.. or to God maybe - really, it's possibly an insanely good scandal) and that was that. But what if she never told him and therefore he wasn't part of that choice..?

Eeesh..

These are just the inner-workings of my overactive thinking.. questions going 'round my head like.. why are there so many damn buttons and clasps on business pants? Seriously.. it's like getting into/out of Fort Knox when you have to pee.. wtf? Also does anyone else like The Marriage Ref like I do? Holy crap! The guests tonight were Larry David, Madonna and Ricky Gervais. High-larious. Also also? Saw Alice In Wonderland tonight and maybe remembered a couple of important points about it: a) It was one of my favorite stories ever as a child and I should re-read it and b) there was no dancing in it. None. I mean, I'm pretty sure. So I'm all for free reign with the artistic license and whatnot - because it was a 98% perfect movie - EXCEPT for the dancing. Two moments. Two very awkward moments. Tim. I ask you. Why? Seriously.. don't you people screen that stuff? Just saying. Two percent under perfection. Are you happy now? Had to have your dancing, didn't you? Pffft..

Also, I'm still feeling the caution pictures. They most accurately represent this risk-taking, and apparently the possible decapitating (of sorts) venture of mine.

Also also? I've been on that teeter-totter at Burning Man. Seriously scary and fun. Except more the former and less the latter.. but hellloo.. TEETER-TOTTER OF DEATH! As if you see THAT every day, right? I mean, I'm right, aren't I?

Lost & Found

When I was about six or seven, my parents told me I was adopted. For a while, when I would meet new friends, I told this story with a matter-of-fact sort of distance. I remember saying, '.. and those people adopted me,' like they were kind strangers I toddled right up to and noticing I had no actual parents and I was brand new to the world, it was a logical decision to take me in. In fact, being nothing like that, of course it was a loving decision and they very much wanted me. But knowing that much also means that someone else did not.

Enter in: Abandonment complex.

However subconscious that is, it's there. Possibly heightened by those parents who loved me so much, but didn't know how to always show it correctly because they were so messed up themselves and thus all my failure buttons were created. My demons in a nutshell: Do something right and people stick around. Fail for whatever reason - mostly, by being yourself - and they don't - but it was because you're stupid, an airhead, or worthless anyway. Translate that to keeping friends or lovers and they can disappear because they have no obligation to stay like my parents. So when I say I want to make a t-shirt that says, "Without me, it'd just be 'aweso' ", sure, I seem to have a healthy ego, but I think sometimes I toot that horn that loudly because I have to make sure I hear it myself.

So the dating. Yeah.. it was going ok. I mean, I'm doing it. Usually first dates only. I don't know how many of you darling four readers are single, if any of you, but I've honed some skills - one being to know if I'm drawn to someone in the first few minutes. Some I'd even say seconds.. it's really quick. These are online sorts of things of course where there's no time to build up anything remotely friendly before you're sharing a table, a couple of drinks and small talk. I'd known The Boy for two months and worked along side him in his theatre before my first meeting with him as part of the company where we both noticed a real spark we thought could become more. But it's not impossible to have a lasting connection with someone brand new right away - it just doesn't happen that often.

But, when it does..? I might get excited about it. I might be sort of girly about it, giggly even when it goes so well I don't want to leave.. or when he wants to make me dinner the next night.. or we kiss after what I thought was a near perfect evening and it was more than awesome. And I might be inclined to check in a couple of days later and say 'hey, how are things,' all breezy of course - because apparently, breezy is part of the game. And tho he responded only to answer the question - I should've read that as.. hm.. he didn't ask how I was, he didn't ask to see me again and despite the 20 minute make out that was fantastic, thank you very much, too bad - done and done. But do I think that? Duh.. no. I think it's fine. He asked me out, he made dinner so I might've gone ahead and asked if there was any room in his schedule to hang next week. And when there was no answer to that question for TWO DAYS, I might've completely over-thought it, texted him again and said I must've misread his interest, was glad to have met, thanks for having me over, hope he was enjoying the sunny day - and according to everyone, EXCEPT my best gay boyfriend EVER, Loren, who I know now always has my back (seriously, if you don't have a best gay boyfriend.. dear God.. get one), that's when I crossed the line into Crazytown.

1. I don't think it was crazy.

2. Crazy is a really rash term.. hello.. NOT crazy over here. And it's just kind of mean.

3. Online Boy and I share the same birthday and are similar people (and by that I DON'T mean THE SAME or that he MUST be my soulmate for chrissakes) but he tells it like it is, like I do.. so yeah, it surprised me when instead of being direct and saying, 'Hey, had a nice time, didn't feel a connection (despite said makeout - whatever), but thanks,' or something to that effect, he is Completely. Silent. And heretofore: a jackass.

4. Why am I still shocked men do this shit?

5. Seriously - I'm not fucking crazy.

6. I'm actually a great person to date and I rock as a girlfriend.

7. So there.

8. I liked the jackass.

Ugh.

Tho I had his answer when he didn't get back to me in the first place, I stand by the fact that I was only communicating and there's nothing wrong with that. I might've done it in the wrong way, but communication is something that makes you an adult. This isn't the movie Swingers, people. Who the fuck is waiting for six days to call their 'babies'? If they are, they're not worth you're time because THAT'S STUPID. I'm not saying stalk people, but don't blow a girl off. That's just rude.

Am I impatient? Sure.. I liked him. We had great conversation, we're both in theatre, we knew some of the same people and I thought there was a spark for sure. But here's where my demon steps in and I start thinking I said or did something wrong, I showed my hand too soon, it was too obvious I liked him.. Pffft - whatever. I'm sorry - I never read The Rules. I don't know how to pretend I don't like someone when I do. And truly, if he liked me at all, it wouldn't have mattered what I said and he would've responded because all of this dating stuff makes everyone nervous - we're human. It's hard to be vulnerable. Cut a girl some slack, ok? Fuck.

I know, I know.. I'm 42 cats shy of being Bitter Old Cat Lady. Fine.

Next built-in, self-fulling, I-could-screw-this-up prophecy story:

Around the holidays, a tv show called Find My Family began that reuinted lost family members, adoptees, etc. From the creators of Extreme Home Make-Over, it was sure to be another exploitive primetime tear-jerker. But, having been looking for my birth mother for close to 10 years now, the possibilities were intriguing. The network did all the research and the approaching to see if the lost wanted to be found, reunions were set up and many tears were had. I had no desire to be on tv. I just wanted to find her. I even went as far to fill out the application - and I think I have a pretty compelling situation surrounding my adoption that would make it a good story - but I never got around to sending it in and the show seems to be off the air now.

This week there was another show starring celebrities this time that traces back their genealogy and it made me think, like I often have, that I can't do that. My brother traced back my adoptive family, but it's not my story. His roots are German, Irish and Scottish. I was jealous when he did that because it's not something I can do. He knows his story, he knows where he gets his ability to draw (Mom) and his temper and tone-deaf ear (Dad). He's the spitting image of Dad and he even has his voice. I know not all blood-related families share heaps of similarities, but the only resemblances to my family I came away with are behavioral - and as discussed - rather dysfunctional.

I got online and googled Find My Family again. I don't know why really - but I found a registry unrelated to the show, registered with the info I had and a couple of hours later, the woman who runs the site emailed me saying she found a marriage certificate that seemed to match who I was looking for. I've written her three times now (yes, yes, we know I'm an over-communicator, that's been established, thank you) asking questions with no response from her, so I contacted J for her opinion.

J found me some years ago thanks to another online adoption registry while she was also looking for my birth mother. They were friends in college and the fact she knew I was Carmen's daughter literally took my breath away. Intermittently, both of us have put in effort here and there to get more detail, but we found nothing terribly conclusive. And tho we've probably been connected for a few years now, we'd never actually spoken on the phone until yesterday. She sounds like I thought she would - warm and kind and most importantly, supportive of this need of mine to find her. And now with this new marriage record, we had a real lead.

We spent over an hour on the phone, hitting the internet from each side til we thought not only could we support the record I received might be the right person, the right age, the right details, but that she actually lives in Portland, Oregon - just three hours away - with her husband (who's 10 years younger by the way - hellooo - sound like anyone you know?!). And, one of the best things ever - they had a daughter in 1976, which means I could have a sister. And there in black and white was her phone number clearly listed as well.

I told Mom today who agrees with J that I should just call. And here's where I'm erring on the side of caution for once. I think J should call. She can soften the blow of I'M YOUR DAUGHTER by distracting her with long lost friend news and then a casual, oh hey, while trying to find you, I found someone else first who really wants to meet you.. and then I can drop the I'M YOUR DAUGHTER bomb because then she'll have decided, yes, she does want to meet me after digesting the idea. I think this is a good plan. J's argument is that it's time. Surprisingly simple, right? I'm not sure if that sounds more like the thru line in a sappy tv show or what, but she says it so calmly, I kind of want to believe that's enough to think this could work. Yes, I can make the call and we'll all have a happy reunion and go out to brunch or something.. and then I wake up and realize, this isn't tv and people have a tendency of freaking the fuck out when you deliver CRAZY news like, hello, I'm the daughter you gave up for adoption 38 years ago.. how are you? Yeah.. seems a little rash to me.. but what do I know?

If you can't tell, and I'm sure you can, I'm sort of freaking out. This is a big deal. It's freakin huge, ok? And people don't get it, which is a bummer. I just can't explain it to them because they know what it's like to have a family connection. I mean, don't get me wrong - I love my family and all our flaws. Mom will always ALWAYS be my mom. But my birth mom is MY story and I want to discover her. She holds keys to my identity that I don't have. It won't change who I am.. not inherently. I know who I am with or without her - but will it change everything if she's willing to open her life to me? Absolutely. How could it not?

And there's the possibility.. well.. that she could also say no. And here I am again, getting excited, but trying not to get my hopes up.. because it matters if she picks up or doesn't return my call. This isn't a guy not worth the price of the lipgloss I put on.. this could be my mother. There's only one of her. And that changes the whole game.

Needed: Just A Little Luck

So my pretties.. it's shocking that I've been even too busy to write these days. Looking for work is a full-time job itself. There's also some good time spent with friends, working on oneself internally as well as externally, and maybe a little dating here and there, which has all proven to be really positive. I have to admit, I was feeling pretty discouraged there for a while and certainly, the financial sitch keeps me motivated, but there seems to be a bit of good karma finally coming my way and without taking it for granted, I've noticed smiling has become more frequent and my head isn't too heavy to hold up these days. It's a nice change.

I also may have started the first season of Dexter because I thought as the last person on the planet who hasn't seen the show, it might be best to find out what everyone was talking about. And Oh. My. God. Did you guys start having dreams about it once you found out who the real Ice Truck Killer was?! I mean, I was trying to tell Dexter, finding, of course, as you do in dreams, that you have no voice and can't remember what you wanted to say, but played out most of a creepy episode created by my subconscious. Upon waking up, felt slightly disturbed, but I can't wait to watch the next episode.

So I'm keeping busy, throwing out the optimistic vibes to the Universe and hoping it responds favorably really soon - even if it did let me down in the US vs Canada hockey game, but the trash talking over texts with my Canuck friends while it was going on was totally worth it.

I'm also putting out creative energy into another direction and auditioning for a band this Saturday. It's something like 60's retro-pop sort of stuff and I really dig it. I love theater, but producing it can make you think that's all there is when there are other ways I can generate art and shine in my own light.. one where I'm a lot more sure of my own abilities. Color me extremely excited!

Anyway, I haven't died or jumped in front of a passing bus yet. Life hasn't become that dire, thank God.. but please cross all your fingers/toes/extra digits for me, if you wouldn't mind.. (primarily for the second interview I think went uber well today and hoping they short-list me or just plain offer me the job - pleasepleaseplease!) or send wine.. or money.. or wine covered in money? Whatever. Neither would hurt.

Off to continue to take on the world yet again!