I called.
Mom, Gram, all y'all told me to. So I did. Two days ago. In the middle of the afternoon. She should be 69 so.. why wasn't she home? Lunch special at Sizzler? Wtf? And um.. she didn't call back. So my guess is.. she won't? Yeah.. something like that.
What makes her different from the last lame guy?
Well.. besides the obvious.. yes, but.. still..
These might be the thoughts I've had since the moment I hung up the phone after leaving a voicemail with just my basic info and for her to call me back (because yeah.. that would make anyone call back.. a complete stranger.. not asking for anything with much specificity AT ALL.. right, I'd be right on that immediately):
* Crap. I just left the woman who could be my birth mother a voicemail.
* She hasn't gone by her maiden name since 1974. So to have someone ask for her, the her whose maiden name might be Chavez, might turn on a light/clue her in/cause anxiety she hasn't felt in 38 years.
* Seriously.. A FUCKING VOICEMAIL?! AM I INSANE?! Gah.. Don't answer that.
* She left the Bay Area around three months pregnant - probably before she was showing much - and I know she couldn't be in the relationship with whomever my father was.. but maybe she left without telling him.. about the not showing yet.. about me.
* Uh.. yeah.. why is that thought JUST NOW occurring to me? Wow.. could she have.. ? Really?
Until about 10 years ago, she was the only person I was looking for. I assumed she was probably around 17 and in 'trouble' at the time. And then I sent away for my pre-adoption record and she was 30. That changed the perspective. At 17, it's a necessity. But at 30? That's a significant decision. So I just assumed they made the choice together, broke off their relationship for whatever reason (he was married to a woman.. or to God maybe - really, it's possibly an insanely good scandal) and that was that. But what if she never told him and therefore he wasn't part of that choice..?
Eeesh..
These are just the inner-workings of my overactive thinking.. questions going 'round my head like.. why are there so many damn buttons and clasps on business pants? Seriously.. it's like getting into/out of Fort Knox when you have to pee.. wtf? Also does anyone else like The Marriage Ref like I do? Holy crap! The guests tonight were Larry David, Madonna and Ricky Gervais. High-larious. Also also? Saw Alice In Wonderland tonight and maybe remembered a couple of important points about it: a) It was one of my favorite stories ever as a child and I should re-read it and b) there was no dancing in it. None. I mean, I'm pretty sure. So I'm all for free reign with the artistic license and whatnot - because it was a 98% perfect movie - EXCEPT for the dancing. Two moments. Two very awkward moments. Tim. I ask you. Why? Seriously.. don't you people screen that stuff? Just saying. Two percent under perfection. Are you happy now? Had to have your dancing, didn't you? Pffft..
Also, I'm still feeling the caution pictures. They most accurately represent this risk-taking, and apparently the possible decapitating (of sorts) venture of mine.
Also also? I've been on that teeter-totter at Burning Man. Seriously scary and fun. Except more the former and less the latter.. but hellloo.. TEETER-TOTTER OF DEATH! As if you see THAT every day, right? I mean, I'm right, aren't I?
9 comments:
Well, since you're human and there is no script for the "hi, I'm the daughter you gave up..." I suppose you can be forgiven for leaving a voice mail. Seriously! Give yourself a break, sweetheart! She may call back. She may be out of town. She may be confused. Maybe you'll try again sometime when you have a good friend sitting next to you on the couch helping to calm you and center you.
Love you. Now, go love yourself, huh?
Totally with kario!
I know you're not really, but I think you should throw any comparisons with contacting guys out of the window. This is not just not the same thing, it is not even comparable. There are a hundred good reasons why she might not have called back, some of which you've mentioned already, but there is absolutely no way that any of them are that she's just not that into you.
You've been really brave, I can't even imagine. Try not to beat yourself up anymore.
B
Cheers Honey! Sounds like a lot of new information has come your way all of a sudden. Try and be patient and like K said, not beat yourself up. Love to you.
kario, b, & meems: Thanks ladies.. will keep everything you said at the forefront.. just.. you know.. ;) xo
One thought that popped in my head when we last talked and I read this, babe, was that maybe she got the voicemail and is mulling it over.
It's a big thing for all parties, yes?
Give it time and everytime will work itself out as it's supposed to.
Oh ladyloo. I have GOT to stop by here more often. But I just put you in my Google Reader so hopefully I will stay caught up from now on.
Ok, that said...you are very brave for calling and yes, don't beat yourself up. I can't even begin to offer any sort of advice or anything but just know that I think you are super cool and am hoping for the best for you, in all aspects!!!! ((HUGS))
Keeping all my fingers and toes crossed that you hear from her soon, babe. She is probably totally tripping out about it all, too.
This is an enormous thing to do, go easy on yourself, poppet. Thinking of you x
fes: Yeah, I think so too.. but I didn't tell her exactly who I was. I've a mind to call til I reach someone.. but we'll see.. Soon. xo
finn: Thanks sugar! Hugs back! xo
pom: Thanks doll.. thoughts are coming back at you sweetie.. xo
Shit, I forgot everything I wanted to say.
Uhm...
So... the signs are funny, huh? My friend went to Burning Man last year. He raved about it. I'm still not quite sure what the dealio is.
Oh I remembered one thing! The answer to your teeter-totter of death thing? FO SHO, WOMAN. Too cool. In Thailand there was a giant flaming skipping rope. Mind, I don't think I'll be trying that funnily enough.
Prerogative. OH SNAP.
I am insanely interested in this adoption stuff. I'm sending you positive energy. I truly hope this works out for you in a great way. Are there any old posts on the matter so I can catch up?
Besos
PS: The verification word is 'dinitick'. Isn't that a really funny word?!
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