If It's Too Good To Be True..

I don't believe in lying. Not saying I haven't done it for whatever reason, but I don't believe in doing it within the relationships I choose to cultivate among friends and lovers (I can't say I've never lied to family.. I mean, there are just some things you don't tell your mother.). But I've known my share of charming liars and each time I'm still surprised by how blindsided I feel when the truth is exposed.

So you know it had to happen.. but falling under the spell of chemistry, similar tastes, and easy conversation is still pretty cliché. I'm old enough to know better and I really am able to see a smooth talker for who he is right away, but sometimes, I'll admit, they get me. When all their attention is focused on me, when the right words fall out of their mouths so easily it seems genuine - all those particular things I want to hear - I give them the benefit of the doubt [read: even I'm a sucker once in a while.].

When you begin dating someone new, it's not required to provide your entire life past and present or any skeletons for that matter, but after the unusual first non-date date with 007 a few weeks ago, I'd found out we weren't exactly strangers anyway. The conversation we had that night laid out clearly, by accident, what I wanted from a relationship - nothing casual (meaning once you realize the person is solid and you're sure you want to see more of them), no bullshit, and they should have a good idea of what they want as well so the wishy-washy 'fish or cut bait' point I keep experiencing about three weeks in is prevented. I deserve to be treated as a priority if I make someone one of mine. He asked questions why I was still single and if I wanted kids tho he was a bit tight-lipped about his own background and his dating life, but he did say he was seeing someone in New York. It just seemed like she was more an east coast distraction when he traveled that direction tho the fact it'd been going on for the last three years did catch me off guard. Still, I didn't think much of it.

After he returned from his latest trip, we met up at a wine bar on the hill, lingered over a couple of glasses of wine a piece for an easy couple of hours and it felt like the night was just beginning. I knew he'd suggest we head somewhere else and I wasn't wrong. A couple more drinks in, we're a bit cozier in the upstairs of another bar. Keep in mind, this town is surprisingly small and I recognized one of the new bartenders the last time I was there as someone I dated briefly last year (We've already discussed how I've dated half this city, right? And if not, well.. I have.). I mentioned to 007 about how awkward it's been when I've frequented the bar because this particular guy pretends I'm a stranger and I like that bar so I'm not going to avoid it. That's stupid. But, suddenly, on that note, 007 starts talking about how I deserve to get what I want, he knows I want something longterm and it's so not a clear tangent that I know he's trying to say something, but isn't getting to the point. We talk about expectations, I said I didn't have any at this time, I knew about the other person in New York and for the time being, that was fine. But he paused noticeably and then as if knowing this is where he needed to rip off the bandaid, we had the following conversation:

007: Well, she was in New York at the time. I mean she's here and there..

Me: Here? What do you mean here?

007: Basically.. she lives with me..

Me: Wait, we aren't seeing each other..?

007: No. We aren't.

Me: Uh.. what?

007: I realize I may have misled you, but I wasn't sure what to say.

Me: Misled?

007: Yes and given you the wrong impression.

Me: Wrong impression? You told me it was a date when I asked what that whole first evening had been.

007: Well, I don't think I said that exactly.

Me: Yes, it was. Exactly. I can tell you what you said because I remember asking you, ‛Is this a date,' and YOU said, ‛Yes, well, it can be, or be whatever we want it to be,' which told me, yes it was. And then you kissed me. A lot. Confirming that exact thing.

007: Ok.. yeah.. well, I was pretty drunk actually.

Me: No no. Uh-uh. You don't get to say that....... Wait so.. this person.. is not someone casual. This person is essentially your girlfriend? 

007: .. Uh.. yes..

Me: And this person thinks you are where exactly and with whom?

007: Out. With a friend.

Me: You are fucking kidding me right now. 

007: It's no big deal...

Me: Um yeah. It is. Don't kid yourself. I'm a bit in shock so my face may not show it, but I'm really upset with you right now and debating whether or not to throw my drink in your face.

(Not that I was bluffing. This close - I swear to freakin God, but instant scene had I done it. Would've been so worth it, but I opted not to. I'm a classy chic.)

007: Oh dear God don't do that! I'm really very sorry.

Said as he moved my drink well out of reach.

Me:  Yeah. You should be.

007: I really respect you so much.

Me: You should really stop talking. You don't or you would've told me this BEFORE tonight. Not in a public place making me want to kick you in the knee AND throw my drink in your face.

007: Ok let's not get dramatic.. How well would that have gone had I done that?

Me: Uh.. better than now.

007: Really?

Me: Are you kidding? I thought you were gay! And then you kissed me and you PURSUED me. Did you not?

007: Right. I did. Yes..

Me: You asked to see me two other times this week before tonight. You knew where I was coming from.. YOU SAID WE SHOULD HAVE BABIES TOGETHER. Christ!

007: Ok - well.. I was kidding about the babies -

Me: Duh - but you don't fucking mention that to someone you aren't interested in. And you certainly first mention your GIRLFRIEND - who you've pretended is invisible. Not only did you lead me on, but you didn't even acknowledge the relationship you have exists. That's just shitty.

007: You're right. I completely understand. I'm so so sorry.

Me: Yeah. I heard you. I don't care. I'm not letting you off the hook. You knew exactly what you were doing.

007: You're right. I did. I made a mistake. You have to understand.. I just enjoy you so much. We're practically the same person..

Me: Yeah. I know, but this relationship you're in - it's monogamous, correct?

007: Yes..

Me: Then that's it. I'm done.

I get up and walk out. 

007: Then I'm coming with you.

Me: I don't give a fuck.

I've never walked out on someone or talked like that to anyone other than in my imagination. I've never had the opportunity to tell a cheating liar this is in fact what he is and that everything that comes out of his mouth only emphasizes this point. I'm actually really proud of how I handled myself and that I said absolutely everything I wanted to in the way I wanted to and with as much angry force as I was feeling.

Just before the whole confession, he'd brought up that he hadn't even dated much in the last three years. When I asked him why he said his attention was focused on his house, career and traveling - neglecting the fact that he hadn't dated BECAUSE HE HAD A GIRLFRIEND! THE WHOLE TIME!

To say I was pissed was an understatement. I was hurt over being fooled so easily and letting someone from my past carry more weight than a new person when essentially, after eight plus years, he was a new person. He hadn't earned anything anymore than anyone else I'd gone out with twice before. But he fucked up and despite his hope it might blow over right there and we'd have a good laugh, like - are you fucking crazy to have that kind of audacity (The answer there is yes. Yes he is.)?! - there was no going back to any possibility of being friends or acting cool about the situation. Classic case of a man wanting his cake.. etc. Transparent as all get out. Well, now anyway.

It was a warm Thursday night about 10:30pm and lots of people were out. He followed me to the corner of a busy intersection where we had a few more words (Nope - not embarrassing AT ALL.). He apologized more and asked if he could drive me home. I laughed and said, ‛Fuck no. You're a liar.' He looked like I'd slapped him, but I'm assuming he'd either never been caught before or had smoothed it over the times he had. I started to get emotional and said a few more things that really didn't amount to the proper send off I would've liked.. but I walked away leaving him just standing there and that felt pretty good even tho I still felt played.

A week later, he called. Yeah, I know. I was as shocked as you, but I had a feeling he'd try so I made a point to remember his number even tho I'd deleted it. He left a really breezy message:

007: Hey - just checking in and seeing if you're still pissed at me. Was just driving home and thinking about you. Really looking forward to catching up and talking with you soon.. k? Hope you're having a good week! Bye!

You have to hand it to him. The man clearly found the Get Your Audacity Here store and stocked up in bulk. I started to text him something to that effect and then decided, you know what? He wants to talk.. let's fucking talk and see what he has to say for himself. So we talked.. for about an hour. He was relieved I called him back until I pushed for answers - but I'll give him a few props that he gave me some.

It wasn't a shocker - again, it was pretty transparent to me what was going on and he copped to it, or rather, I laid out the situation I thought was going on and he said I was right. He's not happy in his current relationship, but it's complicated - whatever that means - so he hasn't had the balls to make changes with that. I came into the picture, sparked an attraction, a happy memory and he wanted to see what happened with that - not planning on deceiving anyone, but letting it happen regardless and digging a big hole for himself. And in all the talk of wanting me around, he never once mentioned wanting to be friends, which I also brought up. So he tried to say that's what he wanted but when he literally couldn't say it - could not get out the word 'friends' after saying, ‛Well, of course.. I'd like us to be.. um,' it was simply laughable because I had to say it. ‛Friends. It's a simple word. Just say it.' And he did.. finally, but I called him out telling him it was difficult for him to say because that's not what he wanted - and when he let that absorb, he admitted I was right.

I asked him if the situation were reversed.. or if he were me.. if he would be friends with him. He paused.. stammered.. and then said, ‛No.. you're right. I wouldn't. That's not behavior in someone I could trust.' Good boy. Here's a biscuit.

It was interesting suddenly having all the power. He didn't really know what he wanted from me had I answered to begin with. He didn't know much of anything. I told him I wasn't mad anymore. I was over it, but if my friends knew I let him back in my life, they'd all think I was stupid. And because I'd been drawn to him, letting him in would mean taking a risk that at some point, hanging out, probably over drinks would weaken my resolve and I'd find myself in a moment with him where knowingly, I'd be part of the deceiving - and I won't do that to myself or the girlfriend I now know about.

I have to admit, I'm not sure what I'd do with him either. I didn't want to be friends. I would've taken it had it started out that way to begin with, but it didn't and I'm not able to transition back to that really. Not when the whole thing began with lies right out of the gate. So I said I wouldn't put his number back in my phone at this time. But if he figures out his situation in the future, he was welcome to call.. when he had something to say. He agreed that was a good idea. He thanked me for my time and for listening to him.. and that was finally that.

So one of my dark horses turned out to be a jackass - not surprising knowing my luck with waging a bet - and the other withdrew from the race altogether because he could tell I was distracted. He's probably right and we may just be better at being friends. But this race for my affections is kind of stupid and I never meant for it to be any sort of competition or to look like I was leaving my options open even if one of my options was certainly a frog. The other may be a perfect prince, but it's not that easy to figure out and some princes are meant for other girls in other stories. Right now, I should stop with the poor analogies.

Don't cry for me Argentina. There are changes coming and they're not all bumpy. I didn't get the ‛real' job I was hoping for so back to the grinding board with that, but there are big transitions I'm making in my theater world and I'm finally excited again. I'm going to be the Asst. Stage Manager and board op for the upcoming 14/48, which is a super fun and super short theater festival over the course of 48 hours for two weekends (See the link above). It's a great opportunity to be involved in this tiny but massive show they do a few times a year and everyone who is anyone in our fringe community plays a part.

There's one more major shift I'll be making this week - but you need some backstory on that before I can talk about it. Just know it's all positive, even if I have a bit of anxiety about initiating it, but once I do, some huge negatives will be released and there's only happiness in moving forward.

I can see a light that's getting closer. I haven't reached it yet because I think the Universe is trying to remind me nothing is more consistent than change and I shouldn't get too comfortable.

#1 Dad

I try not to dread this time of year, but rather, just ignore it, because tho I'm hardly an orphan, when Father's Day comes around, I feel the heartstrings pull when I hear the ads or have to sit thru those sappy commercials. And honestly, I get a little jealous.

I have friends who are dads and my own brother and his wife should have some baby news this year, but when I'm stuck on which form to file for my taxes, when I go to a baseball game, when the latest guy I'm dating turns out to be a real piece of work, I really wish my dad was still around.

He named me. I was his 'little angel'. I used to sit on the top of his cowboy boots, wrap my arms and legs around his burly calf and he'd go about his business in the house or pretend to look for me. He played Santa Claus for the local kids when he was a member of the Elks Club. He's the reason, even tho I'm right-handed, I throw a softball with my left hand and catch with my right - because he let me make that decision with my fifth grade logic (Why Dad? WHY?!) and it's why I still can't throw for shit. But he hung up a five-gallon bucket horizontally on one of our fences so I could practice throwing consistently and, at the time, I improved. I had braces for years and many times after some major teeth pulling or a surgery, Dad would drive home with me just curled up on the seat, my head on his lap, my face tear-stained and my mouth numb and stuffed with gauze. He taught me how to ride a bike and drive a stick. Mom said he cried when he read the part in one of my letters from Norway about finally finding a store where they sold peanut butter. He worked hard. He laughed loudly. I like to think, despite the fact I was adopted, that I get my big laugh from him.

As a nanny, there are lots of parental moments I suddenly remember from the past. I have great memories of my grandfathers who were both characters. My Grandpa Frank, my dad's dad, made a great, big sound when he sneezed. A-POOYA! It scared the bejesus out of my brother and I every time and I think he knew that. We always got the feeling he'd been a hardass with my dad and his brothers, but he was always a teddy bear to his grandchildren.

My Grandpa Gordon, my mom's step-dad, used to tell us after any little incident found us in tears over a scrape or fall that we'd be ok by the time we were married. Suddenly, I find myself saying this to Jack and Liam when they give that stunned look after a knock on the head into a wall or something of that nature.. when there's that moment of 'am I ok or not' they're trying to figure out. If they nod when I say that, then I know they're ok and drama has luckily been avoided.

And my step-dad used to call me 'girl', as in 'Hey girl!' when he'd see me, which made me feel like a dog being called, but I never said anything because I knew he was really trying to find his own way to connect with me and taking my dad's place was a challenge.

But Dad was the biggest man in my life, literally. He was Hercules to me. A giant of 6' 3" - taller when he wore his favorite cowboy hat - who could make the meanest shredded zucchini scramble with bacon bits when he'd make us breakfast for dinner or homemade pizza, for which he'd use a can of cheap beer in the crust. When my prom date's car ran out of gas a half a mile or so from our house, which was out in the boondocks and wasn't a well-lit road, he's the one who got the gas can and went back to the car with my date at 1am to make sure he got back home safely. When I drove my car into a ditch late one night, way on the other side of town in the middle of winter, headed to a party after work I shouldn't have been going to, he was the one who kept Mom from scolding me while I was in shock and the one who told me over and over that it was going to be ok.

He was a son of a bitch when he was angry, which was often and usually not over anything important, but I don't think anyone, not even he, understood the deep-rooted anger that plagued him. As the years pass without him, I remember less of his temper, even tho I think I inherited that too, and more of the love I know he had for us. I hold onto the good memories because I know that's how he'd rather I remember him.

So here's to your dad, to my dad, and the other dads - those with us and those who aren't - may they all know how much they're loved.

I miss you Pops.. love Susie-Q.

Hello Stranger Part 1

At last! It's late here but I've been trying to find time to write for a while and have clearly failed. Two months have obviously gone by and a zillion things have happened which may have garnered their own post had I been more diligent with this outlet.. but sometimes you just have to live life and stop writing everything down. Maybe in retrospect it then isn't as memorable, but it's still energy well-spent. Let's hope anyway..

So the easy stuff first. Men. Am I right? Kidding. Geez.. tough audience.

Yes, they've come and gone quickly lately - only a few weeks here and there to the point one girlfriend said she wasn't even going to try to remember their names anymore til one stuck around for a while. I told her I was doing the same thing. Single girl in the city. I'm not apologizing. And tho I let a couple linger for a bit while trying to figure out what their intentions were, I made mine known. No more of the bullshit. No more of maybe he'll figure out what he wants eventually and maybe it'll be me. No more of a week goes by with no communication because they're trying to play the game or not give away too much. Once you're clearly spending the majority of your free time with someone and they're the only one you're seeing, to me you either have to spend the effort to be in it or you don't because it's not working and you're out. Doesn't mean it has to be labeled, but it does have to be exclusive and I do have to be a priority. I make room in my life for the person I'm spending time with. Not 100% - that's just being co-dependent and there's individuality still and people have passions and other directions to pursue, but I expect the same courtesy. In or out man.. fish or cut bait. And if they can't figure it out, I do it for them. I did it twice in as many months (I did mention I had a reason for not writing, right?). And no I wasn't as badass as I'm sounding here.. obviously. I'm still a sweet girl my dear four readers.. I'm just saying I'm not taking anything less than what I deserve anymore. Fun is great, don't get me wrong. But fun doesn't get me someone to brush my teeth with at night or take to company parties or cry my eyes out over stupid story lines on Grey's Anatomy or meet my bio family.. you know? It might work out that way for others, but it ain't working for me to give away the milk anymore.. if you know what I'm saying.. and I think you do.

There are a couple of dark horses in the current race (Race for.. what? Yeah, I don't know either.. just humor me.) at the moment. One I've known for some years now and there's a bit at stake because we've recently established a decent friendship while working together in shows so if something negative happens, we'll still run in the same fringe theater circles and that's never not awkward. But he's a great actor, a good friend, a good guy overall who everyone I know in the industry likes. He smokes, which I can't stand, but he also knows that so he doesn't do it around me unless we're in a show and he's outside with the other smokers. And, being from the south, he definitely has the qualities of a gentleman - as in manners - and is awfully sweet. So we'll call him Rhett - as in Butler - tho I could use his real name because it sounds just as movie-like, but I do what I can to barely protect the innocent.

I think he's just as nervous as I am about the situation, which is us dating, because it's new just in the last couple of weeks. We both know the moment we show any small public display of affection towards the other in a fringe theater type place, all our friends and associates will be tittering. Tittering quietly, but tittering nonetheless. And this could happen as soon as oh.. tonight at a mutual friend's birthday after a big theater cabaret type thing and since we barely know what this is yet AND it's not exclusive because no, we haven't had THE talk yet because we aren't there, yeah.. it's just a matter of trying to keep the pressure off both of us. I mean, I like him and I certainly don't want to hurt him or get hurt, so it's good, but we're being cautious.

The story behind the other guy is just bizarre. You'll agree with me in a minute. We'll call this one 007 because he's very private, but is certainly a charmer without being sleazy and he travels, likes to live well, and jet-sets from coast to coast often. Yeah.. I was jealous too.

I was at one of my favorite speakeasies on the hill and when you sit at the bar, you tend to talk to the other customers. He was one of them, we were both with other people but I kept thinking he looked familiar and didn't know why. We traded names across the bar over jokes, but that was that and they left. A month or so later, I ran into him at another bar in another neighborhood while out with my friend, Tallulah. I thought he was oddly attentive. She thought he was gay. And as she was dead set on it, I was inclined to believe her. When he said we should meet for drinks after hanging out with us for a bit, I was super casual about it because in my mind he didn't play for my team so it was: Of course! Yes! Let's hang out! Awesome! And we traded contact info.

Some time passed and we'd hit each other up here and there to hang but it wasn't working out. Finally he asked me to set aside time two weeks in advance and something told me to say sure, why not and just add him to my calendar. Two more weeks go by and we're finally in the same place on purpose together, have a great time, and he starts asking semi-datey questions which I thought odd for a gay man. Do I want kids, why am I single, I seem to have a lot going for me, etc.. and I was honest about the men in this city being non-commital, unsure of their own direction let alone what they want, and how they're really good at wasting someone's time. I'm over letting my time be wasted.. I want to feel valued. I asked him the same question this time poking if he'd give a tell-tale sign of his sexuality away because damn I was confused. And he finally gave up he'd been seeing 'someone' in New York for the last three years. Ouch. Clearly it wasn't serious, but it was something to continue this long for that kind of distance. And finally he said SHE was great, but.. blahblahblah (I didn't really pay attention to be honest - I was just relieved to finally get my answer from that cryptic conversation.). And then he said he was having a great time (another clear sign UH.. THIS IS A REAL DATE, CRAP I DIDN'T KNOW THAT!) and we should continue on somewhere else. So we did.

He drove, more drinks, easy conversation even tho now I realize this is a real date FOR REALZ and I'm wishing I could take a few things I said back and we get to my car and we have this conversation:

Me: Slightly coy, So this was a date, right?

007: Well sure, I mean, I thought it was, but it can be whatever..

Me: Right, but my friend Tallulah was certain you were gay and up til about an hour ago, I was inclined to believe her. Waiting for reaction..

007: Pause, smiles, nods. Well, I'm not gay nor am I bi. I do get that a lot but I'm straight. And actually.. I have a confession to make.

Me: Perplexed curiosity wondering all variables of possibilities of what he might tell me next.

007: We've already met.. before that first bar some months ago. Paused for effect. We've actually already dated. (Wait for it..) And we've already slept together. (Are you pausing?!! Because let me tell you.. I was..)

Me: Speechless - which, as we all know, is hard to accomplish. Hats off to the man. Uh.. um.. smatter of other non-words here.. Wow. I'm a jackass. Seriously.. still isn't ringing any bells.

He goes on to tell me other details of our last date: where he lived, what he did for a living, how we met, which finally brought it back to me but I'm telling you as he was saying it, I couldn't believe this person in front of me was the same person. In my memory they look slightly different, the person in my past was taller, much more intense (Shut up. That's part of someone's look, right? Pfft. You don't know.). This guy was calm, grounded, not trying so hard. But honestly it was really only maybe three or four dates (Yes, I know.. we already talked about the milk and how I'm a tart for giving it away for free.. thanks Mom..) and when we worked out the timeframe, it was at least eight or nine years ago. I'm sorry but I'm going to forget someone's name by then if I'm no longer seeing them. I'll give you that I'm still a complete asshat for forgetting him ENTIRELY - even seeing him again recently THREE TIMES. Hello gingko biloba deficiency! Christ.. I'm awesome.

ANYWAY.. he kissed me, it was nice, I'll take more please. Yeah, he's uber metro, but there's something about him and he talked about HAVING BABIES WITH ME. Not that we would, he said.. but they'd be fucking adorable. HIS WORDS. People! WTF?! I mean, haven't you ever wanted your gay boyfriend to sometimes BE your boyfriend because they were that awesome? I dunno.. I know I sound all kinds of wrong right now.. but please, YOU be single here and see where it gets you (Probably married to a Google/Amazon/Microsoft exec or a hot Mariner/Sounder (Mmm.. soccer players..)). You can't make this shit up. No no, you can not.

So don't be jealous of the madcappery that is my dating life.. I wish I was kidding when I say I've dated probably half this city. I run into them at inopportune moments when they happen to be the new bartender making the drink I just ordered (awkward) or the guy on the street who caught my eye and we both invisibly nodded and didn't acknowledge each other verbally. I don't go from boyfriend to boyfriend so more often than not, I'm single. As it stands now, it's kind of enjoyable when there are options but annoying and lonely when there aren't. And the cat has no opinion either way as long as I don't bring someone home upon whose lap, back or stomach she isn't allowed to lounge. She loves love.. just like her mama..

So lovelies, as this is just part one of catching up, I promise not to be such a stranger anymore. The sun is out, the gym calls and I wish you all a sexy and love-filled weekend.. mwah!

Quarterly Check In

I don't know if there's ever been a time since I started this blog where I missed writing during any given month. And there was even a major, albeit annoying, holiday in February too that I completely ignored and didn't get to mock. Wasted opportunity there. But I did get to notice myself actually trying to meet the objectives I set for this year and so far I've seen some progress. Like.. yay! Let's share the progress, shall we?

Being on time: Ok.. so um.. I said I noticed improvement. Never promised perfection. So yeah, I'm late less of the time now. And there have been ENTIRE PLANS where I WAS EARLY! Er.. maybe right on time. I dunno. Either way I arrived FIRST! And that's all that mattered in order to make it count. I'm doing my best to be more consistent and can safely say.. uh.. yes.. ok.. I'm still working on this one. So uh.. moving on..

Listen more, be more collaborative and more cooperative: As part of improving my own communication, I'm better about not interrupting and that was already something I was addressing. But now I have a better understanding of the roles I was taking on and the efforts I'm putting into relationships - both personal and professional. When you know you need to collaborate where you previously had maybe no idea - then yeah, that's a big part of changing your perspective. But I discussed where I was needed at the theater where I'd been a company member for the last year, but by the time that finally happened, I'd volunteered for another where I knew I'd be immediately necessary. It's not a competition, but you can't collaborate better if you have nothing to collaborate on. Communication from others up the chain wasn't happening, which was disappointing among other things, and I was actually really proud of how I handled that. Every time I started to take it personally I found many reasons it wasn't and finally just found another opportunity for myself, which refocused direction so I couldn't beat myself up anymore. And then, right at the moment I accepted the space the company had left between them and me (read: I left town for just four days), I was suddenly Obi Wan and the only freakin hope flooded with requests to help, meet, provide contacts, etc. AND, even while frustrated by that, I found constructive and positive words to air said frustrations and then voilà! I actually managed to let them go and moved forward. Yay me!

Choose better words: In conjunction with the idea of cooperation and collaboration, it's heightened my awareness of how I come across when conveying oh.. ALL my thoughts at any given time. More than just something you do for tact or kindness, it's a skill to hone. It's seems elementary, but just keeping things factual helps, taking the me out of it, the emotion - and it doesn't prevent me being me so I can still be honest and direct, but just in a better way.

Speak less: This did not seem possible and yet there are WHOLE MOMENTS it DOES HAPPEN! I know, right? Crazy! It's amazing when I stop trying to put myself in a place of authority - where I feel the pressure to make things happen and be the one who does everything and therefore controls it as well - that I listen a lot more, let others drive whatever force is working in the room, and I learn a lot more that way. Observing is fun! Of course I pipe up where I think I should and thus I'm listened to more because I'm choosing those moments better. Interesting how that works, eh? No, the irony is not lost on me, Alannis.. thank you.

Be a better daughter/granddaughter/sister: I think Mom and I have finally moved past some of the most recent tension we felt during the holidays. She knew I was down and feeling all loser-like and tho it was tough for her to really understand exactly what I was going thru, she's come thru for me every time I needed her. And in return, I think I realized she simply wants me to make the effort to reach out to her once in a while. A call once a week basically to check in - to know I'm alive - even if nothing is going on. She's asking that her presence, even a state away, matters enough to me that I think of her on a Sunday afternoon and pick up my phone to find out how she is.. I don't know why that was so hard to see. It's hardly unreasonable that you call your own mother especially when it takes so little time and makes all the difference to her. I still have to get more consistent with my own brother and grandmother, but in my defense, my brother never calls me either and usually my mom and grandmother are together.. so two birds there.

Find my bliss: Sigh - this is still undetermined. I'm trying harder to see where I was forcing the square peg into the round hole tho. The theater was not making me happy and I simply found elsewhere to focus, a short trip to take, and my air became clearer because I let go. I care too fucking much sometimes - to my own detriment. It doesn't have to be as hard as I continue to make it.

I visited two college girlfriends in LA and was reminded how much they shaped who I was back then and fondly remembered good times over lots of wine, good food, and even a comedy show at Largo on Valentine's Day that was probably one of the best Valentine's ever. Good friends, laughter so hard you aren't making any sound, and just being myself and not trying too hard to please anyone. It certainly didn't feel like 16 + years has passed (Christ I'm old!) - other than one has a 5-year-old daughter and 10-year marriage, but they both looked exactly the same and were the lovely people I remembered adoring in school. It took no time at all to catch up to where life was taking us now and I didn't want to leave.

LA is a lot different than Seattle tho.. and obviously, overwhelmingly bigger. Seattle is the largest city I've ever lived in and calling it large or even a city sometimes when you've been here 16 years is almost a laugh. After about two or three years you start running into people you know from Trader Joe's or work or the gym at the markets, plays, or karaoke. I've definitely run into people from here at Burning Man in Nevada (tho Seattle is the second largest contingent next to San Francisco there) and I half expected to run into someone I knew in Barcelona when I went two years ago (I didn't). Seattle is that small. But I have to say - I kind of loved Hollywood. I can't afford it.. yet.. but I liked it. Not sure if said bliss is there, but honestly - the weather is. I like the rain as much as anyone.. but goddamn, we get way more than our fair share here and I'm from Oregon where we say we don't tan, we rust. And when it rains in LA? It really rains - but it's close to 60 degrees. In February. Yeah. I can deal with that.

I'm going to skip the part where the earth moves a lot more down there especially since we all felt the biggest one from Portland, OR to Vancouver, BC 10 years ago that any of us have felt in our lifetime in the Northwest. Yeah, that part is scary - doubly so in light of the tragedy in Japan - but it's just an idea right now. Who knows..

I'm enjoying this year so far - tho I have been sicker than I ever have been in years - currently already on my second uber-awful cold in three months (seriously why does it have to be sleeping without breathing thru my nose OR the magic of pseudoephedrine and clear sinuses but no sleep?!), but hanging out with children will do that to you. Otherwise, I see how I've created my own drama in the past and I'm distancing myself from that behavior. I smile more. I'm more accountable - but have less to be accountable for when I'm aware of my own involvement and choice of words and how both affect others. I don't worry about my solitude so much - and tho at the end of January I stopped seeing the person I met at New Year's, someone new appeared recently without fanfare or any desperation on my part and so far, it's just nice and slow.

I've found I really enjoy my alone time - and I have a lot of it - but I've done my share of trying not to care if the men stick around or not and I'm bored with that non-committal shit. I'm not asking for rings or picket fences. Simply if I'm going to make room in the spare time I have for them (and when I'm doing theater, it's not much), they need to see the value in that by being a good person and showing they're interested in me and making an effort. I'm done with anything less (famous last words.. right?).

So ok - this is lengthy, but it has been a while. In summary: We've learned some things. Hug your mother. Hug your friends and neighbors while you're at it. Donate to the aid for Japan already because - Jesus - there are no words for what's happened and is still happening to them. Breaks. My. Heart. I send my love to them. To you. Sweet dreams kittens..

2011 - You Are My Bitch

One of my friends said in December that she was going to take 2010 out back and shoot it. Well, she said, she was going to light it on fire, laugh at it, point, and then shoot it.

I told her to get in line.

I make the same resolutions every year. Silently - as if to say outloud I'm not really making any because I don't want anyone to know there's anything to fix because I think I'm pretty awesome actually.. but while 2009 was a difficult year on my heart and I hoped it would simply get better, 2010 went for the glottal artery and took blatant potshots at my ego. The heart will always recover once you realize people aren't who you thought they were or where exactly they were in their lives when you met and it can all make sense. The ego.. well.. it's fragile like the soft spot on a baby's head. You have to keep it warm and wrapped up in cute little hats so it's nurtured and you become a well-balanced and nice person. But if you say.. kick it over and over because you just want to see what happens.. well, that's going to be one messed up baby.

Maybe it's the mood I'm in tonight - I turned on something mellow to finish up some cleaning around the apartment before I went to bed and The Weepies came on. Let me just give you some advice, my four dear readers: Do not, NO, I say, DO NOT listen to The Weepies if you are, in fact, anywhere near something resembling emotions where your face may leak from your eyes. They have the Power to Evoke. Yes, they do! And DEAR GOD DO NOT make one of their songs one of your cute little lovey dovey couples songs because FOR PETE'S SAKE AND ALL THAT IS HOLY.. you will NOT be able to listen to one iota of a note for maybe like almost TWO YEARS without gushing into pile of said evokey feelings. No, you will not. Take it from me.

So NOW, here we are.. I'm getting all evokey due to said Weepies making me actually weep slightly, which kind of annoys me that they have this Power and all and I think someone should be taking note of this and reporting it to the right people (hellooo?) - and I think well, maybe I should make some resolutions this year and do my best to stick to them. Say them outloud even AND in print! Then you are accountable! You are responsible for doing all you can to meet them! And you are shouting it! Which clearly means you are dedicated! You are committed! Or just annoying the upstairs neighbors..

Anyway.. here goes:

My 2011 Resolutions: (in no particular order)

* Shoot 2010 in the face.

(Oh. Right. Did that. Oops.)

* Be on time - for everything.

Doesn't matter what time you get there if you're not on time. All the work you do after that point is simply discounted sometimes. Better to be on time or better, a little early. I think I just have this thing about waiting and not liking to do it. Must change perspective.

* Listen more, be more collaborative and more cooperative.

I do this annoying thing called interrupting, which I am getting better at.. but worse still, when I take on projects, I make them mine. ALL mine. So much mine that I become quite the mama bear about them - rather territorial and then there's no room for other opinions unless everyone agrees with me or has ideas that I like. Yeah.. people don't like that so much.

* Choose better words.

When being 'direct and honest' I need to be cautious. This is partly for me and partly for everyone else as a courtesy. I work well with directness and honesty to and from others. At least when someone is direct with me, be it harsh or not, I know where I stand. When I'm direct with those who may not know me well - and even with those who do - I can come across as blunt or abrasive. It's not usually meant that way and most times I certainly don't think I've said it that way, but thinking before speaking can help with how my candor is received and perceived. And yes, it's something I really need to work on. This one's a toughie.

* Speak less.

Seriously. My opinion doesn't have to be heard on Ev.Ery.Thing. Shocking, I know.. but a friend of mine absorbs.. and then speaks.. and it's just so wise. He's an old soul tho and I should do more learning from him. I wish he could teach me how to control those impulses. I swear sometimes words are just like jumping beans inside me needing to get out. Would Children's Benadryl knock them out or would I just be comatose all the time? Lesser of two evils? Hm.. see what I mean? Mouth. Closed. More. Often. Period.

* Be a better daughter/granddaughter/sister.

My family life was pretty dysfunctional growing up. I think my brother and I have realized we're softening and it's good to reflect on that and treat each other more like friends. That said, my mother and I haven't found that common ground very often. It's only briefly and infrequent and the other times are way too much like I'm still 17 and living at home and can't wait to leave. I want more understanding of my mother so I can prevent myself from getting to that place where she hates talking to me and I hate myself for becoming that bratty 17 year old. I should also talk to my grandmother more since she's the last one left living.. and she has some great stories she needs to tell us, I just know. She's quite the character.

* Find my bliss.

I don't know what this is or how to find it. It's a lot more vague than I even understand right now, but it just popped in my head and tho it's cliché, it's something true. I need to find what makes me happy so that I don't pull someone else in and subconsciously ask him to be it for me - because it's not another person. It's inward and it could take most of the other things to fall into place before I can get there.. but I want it out there so I'm accountable for making sure I find it - whatever it is.

2011 started out 180 degrees better than last year when someone stole my bag with everything I needed to identify myself and I didn't get it all back for 24 hours. I knew right then that 2010 was cursed - I'd be ok, eventually, but it would be a seriously uncomfortable and disconcerting year filled with unexpected surprises - and not good ones at that. As much as I fought it, it took its toll on me over the course of the year and I finally and mercilessly kicked that shit to the curb and slammed the door in its face when the clock struck midnight this last weekend.

I've been out with two of three guys from that night who sparked an interest and who are still interested after initial dates - amazing! There's one left to meet up with next week, thank you. I am not sad for that situation. That would be looking the finally open Cute Boy Gate in the mouth now, wouldn't it?

I had a massage yesterday and it reminded me I needed to do more of that throughout the year - that whole just taking care of myself sometimes. Do less. Stop taking on so much. Stop making it all about myself. Be nicer, be kinder.. breathe..

2011 - no pressure.. but here I come. Brace yourself.

Sick Of The Sugar Plums..

I don't know if you've heard.. but the holidays are here. I know, right? The first diamond commercial I witnessed was actually before Thanksgiving. Nooo! The shock! The awe! All kinds of party fouls here. Who do I call? Who do I need to write in order to tell them they broke the non-spoken holiday rule of waiting for the appropriate amount of days before Christmas to kick out the overindulgent materialistic messages? Someone should know. Tho 'someone' would probably to tell me to mind my own Grinchy business.

Seattle is dark and grey once winter officially kicks in. Not that rain is new.. I continually (mis)quote David Hyde Pierce from Sleepless in Seattle when he says it rains nine (ten) months out of the year in here. It's depressing even if you've lived here for 15+ years like I have. We're a depressed area, which is why, when the sun does make an appearance, there's much rejoicing. You really notice the difference.

But until spring, we're now settled in with the gloomy feeling and if you live in a sweet and cozy mother-in-law that can feel rather cave-like at times, it's sometimes so dark on rainy mornings, you don't naturally wake up from the growing light of day. Because hellloo.. there's NO light. Good thing there are such things as alarms.

I'm a fare-weather fan when it comes to holidays. I love this time of year when I'm comfortable spending what I want for friends and family and ache for time to find the right little things for them. I go out and celebrate with drinks on girl dates and burner events. Splurge on funky gifts for the many white elephant holiday parties. But when money is as tight as it is now, and I wish I was exaggerating, but it's pretty tight, the weight of the pressure to reciprocate feels heavier every day. My friends and family are beyond the obligation of it. We just like to spoil each other. Finding the right gift for Mom is never easy because she buys everything she wants for herself the whole year round, but I'm still grateful for everything she's ever done for me and I'd like to try to show her that. Doesn't matter she's hated pretty much every gift I've ever wrapped for her except her Mother's Day ring.. scored big on that one. If I had enough money to wrap a bundle of it up for her don't think I wouldn't. It's the only thing I know she'd appreciate for certain.

I take each day as it comes, hope for the best, something more full-time in the nannying to come, interviewing, trialing with families.. and keep my head up. I went thru my bills and looked at what I could reasonably live without and cable and my sponsored child were the losers (Netflix and the gym weren't even considered. You can't be serious about cutting the things that keep you sane, you know..).

The cable wasn't anything to be upset about, but I was unexpectedly emotional when I reached the Children International rep on the phone. They're so personal and kind - not at all call center-ish, and it's something I've avoided all year because it isn't that much - but there's a point where even $25 makes the difference in borrowing money from your brother or not in order to make rent.

I was grateful the rep told me the child would be sponsored by CI til they found another, but it still broke my heart. I cried when I hung up, got in the shower to get ready for rehearsal and cried some more, and cried til the mascara went on. At some point you have to pull yourself together and focus on what's positive. And besides, it's a waste of good mascara to cry once it's on.

I'm seeing someone very casually - a cute 29-year-old commitment-phobe wine distributor and the no-expectation part of it is fine right now. It sometimes comes with a bottle of wine so I can't sneeze at that.

I was a bit crushed not to get cast in our spring show, Rocky Horror, but I'm learning a lot by assistant directing the next one opening in January, The Cut. The cast is phenomenal and so committed. They're inspiring.

And in case you didn't hear about Snowpocalypse in Seattle, which virtually shut down the city the Monday before Thanksgiving at rush hour, here's a couple of examples for you (that shiny stuff in the picture is ICE - helloo crazy people in shopping carts INSANELY sledding down it!).

It changed to SnOMG in many of the hash tags on Twitter and became endlessly entertaining for anyone with a little time to shoot some video, take pictures or go sledding in garbage cans/lids and um.. yeah, shopping carts. The video happened a few blocks from my house. Clearly, we're a city that doesn't believe in chains.. until it's too late. Whoops!

I know I haven't been writing a lot in the last few months and finding humor in the disappointments has been hard. Sometimes I feel like I've lost any amount of funny I ever had and then I hang out with the two little boys I nanny and giggle all day or I read something hopeful like this or watch something like this and think, hey, at least I don't scream like a girl every time I get attacked by an otter. I'm just saying.

This holiday, however you celebrate, think of your neighbors, the homeless, the lonely, the elderly and others less fortunate. Donate a blanket to a shelter, give an extra dollar to your waiter even if it's crappy service, bake some cookies for your office or just close your eyes and think good thoughts for those you know and love. I think any positive energy sent out into the universe is a good thing.

** On that note, a special virtual hug to Shine and her roommate Kim who's side she's been at while in the hospital struggling with stage 4 cancer and its complications including a very scary surgery today. Thinking of you both and so glad she has you, Shine. Your nickname has never been more appropriate.

Happy holidays everyone! Let's kick this difficult year to the curb shall we?

Family Focus

I've tried to start a few different posts. I don't think the entire time I've had this blog that I've ever skipped a month, let alone two. I can't seem to finish my Burning Man adventure not to mention the two-day-broken-water-pump-ranch escapade on the way home. To top it off, I didn't even provide a birthday post. What self-absorbed Scorpio misses a chance to talk about herself? Seriously.. I'm really not living up to my full potential.

Telling the story backwards or forwards still means there's a sucky part right in the middle and that's part of the reason I can't get myself to relive it and getting past it has kept me awfully busy. And quiet. I'm not a fast writer most often either and if things don't happen fast lately, then I definitely lose track of time, responsibilities, meeting friends and things that are kind of important. But suffice it to say, I'm ok, mostly happy, trying to figure out my next career direction and hope things fall into place soon.

The best parts have come in bits - all involving a life high coming back from Burning Man with a whole slew of new friends and a new community in my Hippocampus camp. There were ladies' nights, a downtown frat club takeover, birthdays, Seacompression weekend and a spa night. There are some people I've grown closer to and it's never a bad thing to make solid, new friends. I could've used them a lot sooner this year, but I'm just happy to have them now.

And then somewhere in there, the absolute best part of all of this is I met one of my half brothers, Carlos. I met him shortly after the burn and had an instant sister-crush. But I only got a couple of hours with him. So this last weekend, he and his girlfriend, Tara, came up for my birthday and it couldn't have been a better present.

We spent time with my own family since my mom had come into town as well, we wandered the markets, had drinks in my favorite speakeasy and I even got brotherly birthday gifts of keychain mace - of course being the little brother he has to be the protective one - and furry goggles for future burns. Win! I missed him as soon as he left so in a couple of weeks it'll be my turn to spend a weekend with him in Portland - and this time, I may get to meet my first sister, the oldest one. It'll most likely be without Mama C just because sibling time is so important to me. I love my newest mother, but we're 30 years apart and there's a lot of religion surrounding her. I'm now the oldest sibling to two sets of brothers and sisters.. and I've never had sisters. I've never had siblings who look like me, who I feel instant chemistry with, who light up all the nerves inside knowing we are similar people with all our passion and fire. We're strong-willed and have stronger personalities.

It's weird, but it's a huge sense of validation and belonging. My mom will always be my mom, my brother my brother - I love them, that's not in question. Even between blood relatives you might have the same disconnect problem. But in this case it was clear from the moment I met Carlos and certainly from this weekend that we strike positive chords in each other and it's completely energizing and addicting. I kind of want to spend all my time with him.. and I think he said the same thing.

I don't know what my future holds.. like honestly. It's scary.. but this year has been nothing but ups and downs, curves thrown I thought might really get the best of me - which really did once in a while. I know I have a thousand things I still have to work on personally, but hell, I'm 39 now. I'm somewhat of a grown up. I don't look it.. but I hope I'm starting to act it even if some situations don't always reflect that. I just have to keep thinking I'm eventually going to be on the right track, find my way, and whatever other cliché I can think up to focus on the positive. I have a community now like I never did before. That's what really matters.

Cringe-Worthy

I'm trying to get my Burning Man tales together but this week is insanity - mostly in a good way - but spending any time writing feels a little too indulgent. There's work, catching the bus on time - seriously a challenge every morning - you have no idea, a good night's sleep would be fantastic so I'm not passing out at my desk with the new morning schedule every day, theater responsibilities, a little dating, trying to make time for friends and family.. did I mention the gym? Yeah.. that's because I can't get there..

So it feels like quite a change - not that I wasn't busy when I was unemployed because I was - but everything has to be worked around a 9 to 6 schedule now. AND..? There are perks! Hello paycheck, for starters.. a nice raise from what I was making at the last place didn't suck, a lovely group of co-workers, cookies made practically every day in our kitchen making the office smell like Grandma's, which, let me tell you, is SO many kinds of WRONG for productivity AND my waistline I can't even explain.. and right in the middle of downtown where I could drop my entire salary in a lunch hour is ridiculous. Between where to eat, buy coffee/perfumes/make up/clothing/shoes/bags/younameit,it'sforsale.. I mean.. STOP THE INSANITY!

It's kind of a zillion kinds of awesome.

***********************************

And speaking of awesomeness.. tonight was another evening of the Salon of Shame where I READ TONIGHT! Yes! And according to Ms. Shine, I killed. KILLED! As in, they laughed WITH me! Score!

If you'd like me to help you experience what you missed, I'll provide the images and words for your enjoyment and my re-cringing pleasure..

This is the picture they put on the screen behind me for around the time I wrote what I was going to read. I think it's about 1991 and I was in A Midsummer Night's Dream. I was Moth. Moth is the only fairy with no lines. Unless of course your director decides to take it upon himself to pen extra Shakespeare-esque words because clearly, Shakespeare wasn't wordy enough, you might get thrown a bone or two.. but he also made all the fairies wear body suits. I think that's scars enough, don't you? My only consolation is that the person on my right (your left) is Ty Burrell who plays Phil in Modern Family. Yes, I truly get to say 'I knew him when' AND that because of him, I'm also officially two degrees or less away from Kevin Bacon. Win!

So I think it took me a while to figure out what love really was and I was a lovestruck kind of girl, always with the heart on my sleeve (that hasn't changed) and falling for every adorable boy I came in contact with (hopefully that part has). As expected, they all broke my heart and each time, I never saw it coming.

I wrote poetry in addition to journals but the ones I have here are only from college and honestly, the journals are a little too painful to read outloud. The poetry, however, was rather hysterical. And over the years, I honed a prose of my own, wouldn't put anything into my poetry journal unless it was worked and reworked to the point I was satisfied it was finished and then it was entered in pen. For finality I suppose. I usually didn't spent too much time rhyming things because every time I did, it turned out so simple and trite. YET.. of course I found some good examples stuffed into the book and picked a few special chestnuts to share.

Probably over some boy my heart was all torn up about:

My heart & head are fightin' to & fro

When one is saying to let you go

And the other's saying no no no

Cuz I love you so...

What do we do now & what do we say

I care too much to keep my feelings at bay

I can't do this anymore

I've never felt this way before

And I can't just throw it all away

Even if it all sounds so cliché

Yeah.. amazing right? A classic.. And then this one I clearly found some inner anger..

What dumb luck

To get so fucked up

So down & washed up over you

I'm sad & I'm cryin

I feel like my heart is dyin

Cuz I've been buyin your lines

Hook, line & sinker

Never much of a thinker

Everything you've got to sell

So I lie awake nights

Wantin' to punch out your lights

I love you, but I'll never tell

Yup - I'm the silent, broody type, I tell you..

So then, lovestruck doesn't even begin to cover it if said adorable guy can sing and play guitar. Complete sucker for that shit. And I fell hard for Scott who had a gorgeous blue Ovation guitar - which has a rounded back and is what I reference in this song (YES! A SONG!) I wrote for him. The idea is that he'd write the music later.. when I suppose I thought we might live happily ever after? I don't know.. but I did think I was the only one to really 'get' him.. you know? I was that deep. Oh yeah.. true story.

It's also labeled 'first song'. As if there would be more.

Soul Speak

In every detail I know who you are

I hear you describe yourself when you play your guitar

Your hands pluck the strings of the smooth melting blue,

And I hear you

I hear you

(chorus) Your soul speaks

From under the red smoky light

Your weaknesses fight

For priority

To be sung in your soul's insecure melody

But your soul speaks

Silently, out of the crowd

It speaks loud and clear

With full strength, without fear

Be it in your own words or James Taylor's

Your soul speaks to me

I see the world is drawn to you

Even the shadows danced - they danced around you

As you stood in that alley laying all that you knew

I listened to you

I thought of that time that will just never be

A long enough forever time ago for me

and I hoped you didn't catch that damn tear in my eye

I didn't expect to cry

(bridge) Maybe it was just the mood I was in

But I was mad at behaving so predictably feminine

And as you acoustically played your soul

A chill blew through me, but I wasn't cold [my favorite part - and it totally killed tonight]

(chorus) Your soul speaks

From under the red smoky light

Your weaknesses fight

For priority

To be sung in your soul's insecure melody

But your soul speaks

Silently, out of the crowd

It speaks loud and clear

With full strength, without fear

Be it in your own words or James Taylor's

Your soul speaks to me

So sing me a song

And I won't keep you much longer

To me speak your soul

Then I promise to go

Your hands pluck the strings of the smooth melting blue

And I hear you

I hear you

I hear you...

Oh for the days when I actually used the right amount of ellipses..

Thank God those are over.. as well as the days of writing terrible poetry. But it was damn good fodder for a laugh or two tonight. I got up in front of 150 people to do it too. My friends said I didn't seem nervous, but honestly, I just focused on not shaking and I did pretty well. My legs may have been like jello walking back to my seat, but it was pretty thrilling. I'd do it again in a heartbeat.

Look Over Here!

As I'm so incredibly slammed that I haven't been able to post anything for oh.. almost the last month AND I'm getting ready for Burning Man AND trying to direct a ten-minute short that goes up in like three days, I give you someone else's funnier, way-better-written blog and I can't say I mind one bit. The first post had me almost in tears and I'm a fan of cats. By the time you get to the LOST version of the poster.. well, I don't want to give it away. Simon and the pie charts? I have no words. Partially because I was doing that silent laughter thing by mid-post and I couldn't breathe.

After you read as many as you can, you should click on the other options like 'Complain about this page' or 'I'm sad about something' and you'll see that this person has way too much talent in one brain. I kind of hate him because I love him so much.

27b/6.

Know the awesomeness..

I'll be back when I have something that's not even close to as good as what he writes.. eventually.

Life: Accelerated

I'm sure you've noticed - or maybe you haven't because unlike me, you probably live somewhere that actually has more than the two seasons Seattle has of August and winter - but I haven't been able to keep up with writing because when the sun does come out here, I've actually been in it.

********************

Missing: One Sun For The 4th Of July

It shouldn't be any surprise to anyone who's local that summer starts on July 5th. Something about the fireworks blowing up into the atmosphere kicks Mother Nature in the ass and reminds her that she's behind in sharing the warmer weather with all of us in the Northwest. That said, spring might be late, but by June it always feels like summer is just around the corner. And this year? Yeah.. not so much summer because spring was non-existant. Basically February stuck around for four months. I mean, THIS was the weather we had all damn day on the 4th of July:

I grew up on the Oregon Coast so I'm used to it, but I'm so over the grey and overcast summers that area gets, which is why I left. Rainy, chilly, uncomfortable. Three words I'd never use to describe even a Seattle 4th of July, but this time we didn't see one lick of sun for a single minute. Part of me would've rather had just stayed inside in my pajamas and watched a movie if I wasn't convinced how unsociable that would've been.

My new friend, who I'll call Tallulah (because she's quite classy this one - if she talked with a southern drawl, it wouldn't surprise me.), came to my rescue and let me crash her plans and her friends' party that afternoon. From there, the day just got better and better.

Tallula looking sultry - much more sultry than the day. She was so brave to go sleeveless while I was wearing someone else's sweatshirt over my coat.. brrr..

Who, I ask you.. WHO builds a fire on the 4th of July in the middle of the city? Seriously. It was that cold.

Ironic the flag was completely in the way.. or was it?! Maybe it was the most perfect thing ever!

From that point, it was just a series of 'Beautiful! Wish you were here!' sort of picturesque moments - as you can see. Thank you very much.

Please take note of this one above: The big billowy clouds of smoke near the bottom? Yeah.. that's from the barge. The barge with all the fireworks you can NEVER see when you're anywhere in Seattle for the event because there's too many damn people in front of you or you're on a hill or hanging out of a balcony of some random apartment miles away.. but this?! This view was probably 100 yards or so away from said barge because I WAS ON A HOUSEBOAT MOTHER F*CKER. Aww yeah.. Did I fail to mention that?

Me. Dancing the night away on said motherfuckin' houseboat. Yeah. I said it. It was the best damn 4th of July EVER.

Tallulah and I on the 'deck' of the houseboat with fancy sparklers. Also? Hoping no one bumps us because that deck? Like three feet wide before it ended at the water. And lots of it. I was fully prepared to go over at some point and realize my keys, purse, camera, and hat - all of which were in my hands - would all be lost in the water because that's just the type of stuff that happens to me. True story. And shockingly, not a single accident that night. I know.. right? Amazing.

So we ended up on this houseboat because we wandered down from Tallulah's friend's place on Eastlake - and if the neighborhood's name isn't obvious, it borders the water. The east part. As in.. duh. But not far from Gasworks Park and the University District and where the fireworks barge hangs out and does its business on the 4th of July every year. Down on the edge of the streets where all the houseboats are is the best place to be right under the fireworks - that is unless you are lucky enough to own a houseboat yourself. And we were not. However, we were cute girls and there just happened to be a group of guys wandering down past a rope going towards a private dock and when we slowed down because we couldn't go past it, they waved us on and told us they were headed to a party down there and we should come with them. So like the apparently unafraid-of-potential-serial-killers adventurous chics that we are, we did. Best decision we made that day.

We mingled with some people, met a couple of cute guys and found out they were all friends who came together from all over the country to do this party once a year. We danced til the wee hours, tried to move the party to a bar up the hill and away from the rich and sleepy houseboat neighbors out of respect, but the dive bar couldn't handle the crowd and got rowdy fast so we called it a night. The boys didn't work out for either of us, even tho I got some kissin' the next night after we all had a really lovely dinner together.. but ultimately, he didn't like my baggage so I never heard from him again and Tallulah wasn't completely into her boy who was from L.A. anyway. Whatevs we said. It's all onwards and upwards.

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The Play's The Thing

The roller coaster continues and I'm up to my neck in theater, which is all kinds of so many adjectives I don't know where to start. It's amazing and frustrating and stressful and rewarding and overwhelming to pick just a few. I've stage managed three shows in a row, this last one being my least favorite, but finding other priorities like PR for the upcoming shows and projects to focus on or being part of the rather organic committee we created to organize our short play festival coming up in less than two weeks OR just committing today to actually directing one of said short plays because we needed directors. Ack!

Yeah.. I've never directed before. I mean, I'm certainly bossy with opinions about everything and oh yeah, I'm a fantastic criticizer once I see decisions and visions are already made. That's easy. 'Um.. that's wrong.. I wouldn't have done it that way. Meh - I would've been clearer with the details there.' Yeah. Simple right? Once something's in place then you can see a semblance of how you'd change it. You're building upon someone's original idea and making it better. But to create that idea out of thin air and all on your own is something altogether different.

It's just a ten-minute piece. Ten minutes. Can't be that hard right? Or it could be the worst ten minutes of people's lives. Ten minutes they wish they could be stabbing their eyes out with a ballpoint pen because that would be less painful than the train-wreck they just witnessed.

It goes up August 13th and 14th. Hi soon. Practically tomorrow. And it's not even completely cast yet. Nope.. not nervous at all. But hey.. this is how I learn.. and putting my college degree for acting to good use. I'll act like a director! Yeah!

(Fuuuuuuck)

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The Year Of Magical Thinking

And I find myself, halfway thru the year, feeling like things are finally starting to lighten. The Boy and I are talking a bit over email. I know he's with someone else, but a whole year and then some we haven't seen each other and only a few emails last August that we've talked. Anything's improvement over silence and I still hope for a friendship out it one day. I miss him in my life and we'll see if that's something real or imagined soon enough.

I have an interview on Wednesday - finally - for another corporate position. After considering going back into the restaurant industry and not doing it yet because it'll clash with any theater schedule making it impossible, I'm really crossing my fingers for this one. I'd like to be able to breathe before the unemployment runs out and it's getting close. You work ten years straight in the corporate world and you barely get enough to live on for much more than six months if you lose your job. Seems really disproportionate to the work you put in.

And then the other shoe dropped.

My best friend I like to call Butterfly was the subject of an email her husband sent last week to me and many of their close friends and family. She told me the last time I saw her a few months ago that she was pregnant with their third child and tho I was really happy for her, I rarely see her so I knew I'd see her even less. I try, but when you have a family, your priorities change and you get other mommy friends who have schedules like yours. I understand, I just miss her.

I thought, without seeing the subject of the email, that this might be something about her upcoming birthday.. but after reading the first sentence about how hard this last week has been for all of them, I knew it was something different.

He said she's been diagnosed with breast cancer and I tried to read the rest and understand, but her husband's a doctor and some of it just went over my head. I had to do that later because for the next few hours, it all got a bit foggy and went in slow motion. I seriously stood in front of my laptop the whole time, unable to move, trying not to cry and be brave for her.. not that it'd help being halfway across the city.. but I cried anyway. Still am writing this now.

The good news is it's not in her lymph nodes and it's hormone receptive. The bad news is they can't stage it, which is everything for prognosis. When I read up on it trying to find anything I could on the web, I found that it gets complicated very fast when it's found in pregnant women because they tend to dismiss something abnormal thinking it's just due to the pregnancy so it tends to be caught in the later stages. Also, being receptive to hormones, the tumor grows from progesterone and estrogen, which are higher when you're pregnant. They can try to fight it with hormone blockers but I have no idea what that means for the pregnancy. I doubt that's even the biggest priority tho when it's really an issue of whether she'll need chemo or radiation. I read that surgery isn't an issue to remove it - I mean, surgery is always a risk, but still, she and the baby should be fine, tho they recommend mastectomy immediately and usually both breasts just to be safe (not that that doesn't hit the absolute core of identifying yourself as a woman.. ugh), and even chemo is possible while you're pregnant. It's whether she'll need radiation or not depending on what stage it is.. and if she does.. the safety of the baby can no longer be guaranteed.

I can't even discuss survival rates because yes, I looked them up and this is why they do all the walks and fundraisers and have pink frickin ribbons everywhere because certainly women survive it, but there are just as many that don't. I mean, it's fucking cancer. They don't consider you in remission til after you're disease-free for five years (I think that's right - please feel free to correct me) and it has a high percentage of recurring within that time or even afterwards when you think you've beaten it.. and then it has a high chance of beating you. What that said to me is that, at minimum, she's got a five-year battle ahead of her.. probably more. And that absolutely kills me for her and her family. Not to mention she has the most gorgeous hair on the planet. I'm constantly envious.

I can repeat how unfair it is til I turn blue but it won't make it better. I'm reminded of how this year started with my purse being stolen on New Year's Eve and wonder if this is the third item in the list of bad things to happen because the first one just felt too ominous not to be recognized as such on the cusp of a new year. A month later, I'm unemployed and I know it sounds silly, but that 'happens in threes' thing happens to me and it usually escalates when it does. Last time it was this obvious was in college when my bike was stolen, my cat was hit by a car, and my father was diagnosed with leukemia. Someone suggested that the earlier setbacks I'd experienced were preparations for the bigger one that knocked me off my feet hard and swift. And it certainly felt like it. Not that this is about me at all. It's not, but again, it just feels like preparation and it's so so scary.

I don't pray or go to church, but when a squirrel jumps in front of my car or I see an accident on the freeway, there's an automatic thank you and hope for whomever that things and people are ok that goes out from me to the world. So in this situation, my fair weather belief kicks in and I have to hope the Universe hears me because this girl is not only a light to me and makes me a better person just by being around her, but she does that for everyone, which is why she's so phenomenal. I sent her six birthday cards she should've received all on the same day trying to get her mind off of this weight for a minute and remember the wackiness that is our friendship and what makes us laugh when we do manage to be in the same place together. I would've sent every card on the planet, but I'm trying my hardest to give them space to deal with all they have to process.

So I haven't written much lately.. as you can see. When people say 'Life got in the way', we all know what that means. In the simplest terms, it's just defining what it means to live: Finding joy and trying to be strong thru disappointments, recognizing the highs of being with friends and lovers and the lows of just being lonely, dealing with the stress as well as reaping the rewards of figuring out what you're good at, and taking in the good and bad news in general because you can't have one without the other.. tho goddammit.. I'd give anything for that not to be true right now.