Nope.. this isn't some hot, little three-way..I mean, unless I was getting some.. and I'm not.. really.. This city is practically barren for being like a mini-San Fran. I don't get it. There are men, don't get me wrong.. nice ones, cute ones, witty ones.. and if by nice, cute and witty you think I mean gay, wow.. you're quite perceptive! Johnny give the reader a prize! No, ok, I don't mean they're all gay.. just sometimes. Like.. a lot of sometimes.. *sigh*
So what's a girl to do in this city? Like everyone else and their dog - no seriously, their dog - ok.. if not their dog, their children - I am a member of quite the plethora of dating websites. Of the ones that are out there, I think I'm on LavaLife (what the hell is up with that name anyway?), Hot or Not (Let's be honest, it's not so much a dating site as a last ditch effort hope for the 'what ifs' and the 'oh, why nots' stragglers that might be out there and really.. it's way more NOT than HOT.), the weekly alternative paper, The Stranger's ode to single-dom life partner searching, LoveLab, then I think there's Fast Cupid (I should warn you, he ain't that fast people..), and if you really want to dig, maybe My Space even tho the beardless youth that hit me up on that site are only dragging themselves away from video games of zombies and unrealistic karate moves long enough to greet me with an oh-so-sexy, ‛Hey, wassup hottie? LOL' and I'm left to figure out what it is that's so funny.. and enough to shout it in caps even... other than the fact the first digit in front of their ages is usually a 1.. Delete.
It's just so friggin sad.. sad like seeing-Morgan-Fairchild-naked-in-The-Graduate-stage-production-with-your-parents-and-you-need-lots-of-drinks sad.. (and if you haven't checked out her link yet, Miss Doxie is the best - this blog right here, is the funniest thing I've read since.. oh..birth.) The choices a single girl has here would seemingly be abundant.. I mean, you might think.. with all the options out there of being straight or gay and/or bi-sexual and/or transexual and ALL.. I would have some choi-ces people.. Yup. Ok.. YUP I said.. door should be knockin' any minute.. yes indeedy.. or be knocked down maybe.. um.. I'll go see if it's unlocked... um.. yup... *crickets*
Oy.
I'm not saying I don't date. I do.. I get my share of attention here and there, but nothing wildly insane that does the clichéd sort of sweeping off of my Franco Sarto booted feet. Oh.. like y'all don't want that too.. puh-lease.. There wouldn't be so many leeeeeeerrrrrve sites out there for idiot moi to join if the rest of the terrorist-and-Bush-administration-fearing people weren't out there net surfing for the same damn thing..in addition to whatever is new on ebay. If you can't run into it on the street or in a bar, you MUST be able to find it online!
Like, for example, this lovely and probably very intriguing man who's hitting me up from AUSTRALIA..who, incidentally, is probably reading this right now. And I was like.. dude, really.. um.. like there's a chance.. helloooo.. I mean, I know I'm cute and all, but c'mon.. Still, he persisted, pulling out all the offensive and coy stops in hopes to charm little ‛ol me right outta my virtual PANTS.. and tho it's a thought.. and he'll actually be here at the end of next month for a week on business.. hmm.. I'm not making any promises either way, T.. but we'll see.. You may have an accent, but it's not Canadian..
Did I mention Canadians LOVE me?! I'm not sure what it is.. and I love them right back.. oooooooh yes I do, for the love of everything that's good and right with the maple leaf baby.. They're CUTE! They're like Americans, except um, NOT.. and they have the cutest little lilt in their voices that makes them say things like ‛sowr-ry' for ‛sorry' and ‛to-moh-row' for ..well, you know what for.. and their inflections are a little different and it's freakin' adorable so like 10 minutes of that and I'm horizontal. Well, most often I'm also in BC as well so the whoring of myself doesn't really count being in another country and whatnot. Once you cross the border, it all cancels itself out. What, I hear you saying to yourself..? You've not heard of this phenomenon?? Oh Girlfriend (or Boyfriend, whichever applies here), you are missing out! Really, it's something for Ripley's, but it's quite true.. You should try it. Born-again virgin once you re-enter the states. It's like confession, but with a border patrol and drug-sniffing dogs.. and since it's only about a 2-hour drive back up, you can make this your own little foreign church of love and forgiveness every week if you wanted. Yahoo!!
But I don't. I live here. I visit BC and wish the Cute Canuck Boy Gate would be opened and they could visit here more often, but I think the border patrol can't understand them and are too busy getting them to say 'aboot' cuz it's so funny and they've watched South Park too many times.. so they send them packing back to whence they came. Or from whence they came. They get confused by the whences either way. And the dual-citizenship children we were meant to have or at least seriously think about while we bought birth control together, with English and French on the box, are certainly never thought of again.. at least not til the next debaucherous trip north.
But trust me, children aren't what I'm thinking about.. mmm-hmmmm..
Tuesday, May 31, 2005
Sunday, May 29, 2005
Sunny things
It's been a sufficient amount of time that's passed since I last wrote.. and nothing, truly, nothing substantial has happened to me. *Sigh* I know.. I can hardly believe it myself.. I've a feeling the only reason that's the case is because this is a holiday weekend and even drama needs a vacation. However, for some reason, the cold that's been lingering like a bad house guest didn't quite catch on to the notion of the beauty that is a 3 day weekend and decided to stick around and continue to plague me. I feel like the parts of me that are supposed to be made up mostly of water must have been replaced by snot. I've gone thru the evolution of tender sore throat to scratchy sore throat to total head cold symptoms of sniffling, sneezing, and headachy-ness, and now it seems the head cold symptoms have all been reunited with scratchy sore throat - like one of them was just out on a beer run or something, but hey, now they're all here! Party!
The good news is the downward spiral of being uncomfortably ill is not so fatal that I couldn't at least enjoy what turned out to be incredible weather on Friday and Saturday. We hit 90 on Thursday people.. and seriously, Seattle was stunned. People stood frozen in absolute shock that it could get this warm this early in the year here.. IT DOESN'T HAPPEN. It's widely known and just accepted that there are only two seasons here: Winter and August. And summer doesn't start til the day after the 4th of July - I'm not kidding.. would I kid about something like this?! For the 9 years I've lived here, that's truly the way it's happened. June isn't even considered part of summer. It's gloom and doom for the ETERNITY of winter that rolls into what the rest of the world calls spring and still feels pretty damn cold here thru June.. then BAM! It's 5th of July and God, Himself, is smiling on us in the likeness of 80 degrees and a slight, cool breeze.. Maybe it's the 4th's celebration of fireworks and explosions that actually scare Mother Nature - she knows we mean business as we've been denied the warmer weather already for so long we've become rabid for it. Not wanting to risk a nasty bite for which she'd have to seek medical treatment and a tetanus shot, she succumbs to our growling threats and lets the sun shine down.. This year, she didn't have to be coaxed it would seem - maybe that new neighbor, Global Warming, spiked her Ovaltine...
So when the heat continued thru Friday and Saturday, you could tell people, tho still in shock, were starting to get comfortable with this turn of events. My friend Pixie and I, on a mission to cheer her up from the recent break up of the night before between her and her live-in beau, found ourselves bikini-clad in a lovely spot on Greenlake, oiled up like female mud wrestlers and eating cherries. Ahh.. the life! Even my freckles didn't know what to do with themselves. Many came out of their obscure hiding places to rejoice. I, of course, welcomed them with much fanfare. They're cute.
In this literally sunny state of bliss I was now in, I decided, out of the blue, to reward myself with something new. So I cashed in my contracted time with my cell phone provider and voilà, I got myself a fancy new cell phone! Now, I know what you're all thinking.. why get a new one when I already had the old one..but honestly, it was cruel to keep the other alive. Really, I put it out of its misery and it didn't suffer at all. You can't hold on to the past and blah blah blah.. besides that.. ooh look at all the gadgets, the color screen, the camera, and downloadable ring tones that abound!! The old phone is quickly forgotten and buried in the old cell phone cemetery in my mind.. but really, the other made me sound like I was under water and quite loud - and really, an obnoxiously hyper girl who already yells every possibly thing she can rejoice about doesn't need to be any louder than she already is - and if she's got something to rejoice about, she certainly wants to be heard.. clearly. Causing her friends to go deaf and be unable to hear her altogether is just so NOT the goal..
I know I'm late in the game for catching on to these new compact phones and features. You can be quiet over there.. I know this. I'm not lying when I say the last one could've had a dual use as a weapon, but I'm never the first to set trends.. not with technology anyway. You haven't met me, but if you had, you'd understand..I fall down a lot too.. but I mean, I just got a dvd player this last Christmas. I'm slow, what can I say? Technology is a bit scary to me and I'm like the runt of the litter when it comes to keeping up with it. It's doubtful that will all change as I get older and can't keep up with the youngsters like I once did.. but hey, I can get a 50 cent ‛song' as one of my ringtones.. I could be hip.. I gots the 411 and mad style yo.. or at least I can sound like I might.. and yes, if I was any less black, I'd be clear.. I'm ok with that..
Tomorrow predicts to be in the 70's again and I think Greenlake and my bikini will be calling. I love that dirty feeling of Sunday not being the last day of the weekend. Just feels uber sexy like I just cheated on the work week with the pool boy... uh-huh...
The good news is the downward spiral of being uncomfortably ill is not so fatal that I couldn't at least enjoy what turned out to be incredible weather on Friday and Saturday. We hit 90 on Thursday people.. and seriously, Seattle was stunned. People stood frozen in absolute shock that it could get this warm this early in the year here.. IT DOESN'T HAPPEN. It's widely known and just accepted that there are only two seasons here: Winter and August. And summer doesn't start til the day after the 4th of July - I'm not kidding.. would I kid about something like this?! For the 9 years I've lived here, that's truly the way it's happened. June isn't even considered part of summer. It's gloom and doom for the ETERNITY of winter that rolls into what the rest of the world calls spring and still feels pretty damn cold here thru June.. then BAM! It's 5th of July and God, Himself, is smiling on us in the likeness of 80 degrees and a slight, cool breeze.. Maybe it's the 4th's celebration of fireworks and explosions that actually scare Mother Nature - she knows we mean business as we've been denied the warmer weather already for so long we've become rabid for it. Not wanting to risk a nasty bite for which she'd have to seek medical treatment and a tetanus shot, she succumbs to our growling threats and lets the sun shine down.. This year, she didn't have to be coaxed it would seem - maybe that new neighbor, Global Warming, spiked her Ovaltine...
So when the heat continued thru Friday and Saturday, you could tell people, tho still in shock, were starting to get comfortable with this turn of events. My friend Pixie and I, on a mission to cheer her up from the recent break up of the night before between her and her live-in beau, found ourselves bikini-clad in a lovely spot on Greenlake, oiled up like female mud wrestlers and eating cherries. Ahh.. the life! Even my freckles didn't know what to do with themselves. Many came out of their obscure hiding places to rejoice. I, of course, welcomed them with much fanfare. They're cute.
In this literally sunny state of bliss I was now in, I decided, out of the blue, to reward myself with something new. So I cashed in my contracted time with my cell phone provider and voilà, I got myself a fancy new cell phone! Now, I know what you're all thinking.. why get a new one when I already had the old one..but honestly, it was cruel to keep the other alive. Really, I put it out of its misery and it didn't suffer at all. You can't hold on to the past and blah blah blah.. besides that.. ooh look at all the gadgets, the color screen, the camera, and downloadable ring tones that abound!! The old phone is quickly forgotten and buried in the old cell phone cemetery in my mind.. but really, the other made me sound like I was under water and quite loud - and really, an obnoxiously hyper girl who already yells every possibly thing she can rejoice about doesn't need to be any louder than she already is - and if she's got something to rejoice about, she certainly wants to be heard.. clearly. Causing her friends to go deaf and be unable to hear her altogether is just so NOT the goal..
I know I'm late in the game for catching on to these new compact phones and features. You can be quiet over there.. I know this. I'm not lying when I say the last one could've had a dual use as a weapon, but I'm never the first to set trends.. not with technology anyway. You haven't met me, but if you had, you'd understand..I fall down a lot too.. but I mean, I just got a dvd player this last Christmas. I'm slow, what can I say? Technology is a bit scary to me and I'm like the runt of the litter when it comes to keeping up with it. It's doubtful that will all change as I get older and can't keep up with the youngsters like I once did.. but hey, I can get a 50 cent ‛song' as one of my ringtones.. I could be hip.. I gots the 411 and mad style yo.. or at least I can sound like I might.. and yes, if I was any less black, I'd be clear.. I'm ok with that..
Tomorrow predicts to be in the 70's again and I think Greenlake and my bikini will be calling. I love that dirty feeling of Sunday not being the last day of the weekend. Just feels uber sexy like I just cheated on the work week with the pool boy... uh-huh...
Tuesday, May 24, 2005
Good karma does exist..
Not sure if anyone else has noticed, but it's my time. Yes, people.. sorry to disappoint you, but your time is over cuz God has seen the proverbial light, even if He had to create it Himself, and decided that my life shouldn't thoroughly suck so much anymore. Hallelujah! Praise Jesus and curly fries! The clouds have parted, I'm hearing choirs of angels, seeing rays of light shining on me (literally, if you read my last blog) and I must tell you, there's something in the air and it smells like happiness and cotton candy.
The prime example of this came late Saturday night while out with Gays of our Lives.. I love my gay boyfriends, don't get me wrong.. they were cuter than what most of Chop Suey had to offer and certainly knew how to dance better than the majority.. Oh wow.. you should've seen the poor children moving about like mental patients without their Ritalin.. it was sad.. like Sally-Struthers-children-with-flies-all-over-their-faces sad.. but I digress..
One of my all-time favorite dj's, Mark Farina, blessed us with his presence and it was such a great release to just move around and jitterbug all the bad ickies out of my system from the last two weeks.. I so needed it.. Upon taking a break since we could barely breathe the sweat-laden, humid air à la Dante's Inferno, a cute guy approached me I instantly recognized from a pub where we both used to work years ago.
Scott: Hey, do you remember me?
Me: Yes, of course..
*niceties ensue - blah blah blah*
Scott: I just wanted to tell you, I think about you all the time..
Me: *shocked* Really? Why?
Scott: Well, remember when we ended up together one night? I was really drunk..
Me: *embarrassed slightly cuz that's not how you ever imagined someone starting a brilliant conversation telling you they remember you but also the fact they were plastered.. badly* Oh.. yeah.. what about it? *wincing for what I thought was going to come next*
Scott: Well, I remember I had a good time with you.. and I woke up and said something stupid like ‛Wow, I was really wasted last night'. And what I should've said, was 'Hey, I really like you, I had a great time with you, can I see you again?'....
Me: *stunned into silence..mouth agape (if mouths can be agape these days.. then mine was)*
Scott: You didn't call me after that so I figured that was your answer.
Me: Um.. no, you blew me off, if I remember right.. I had a mad crush on you.. I think I would've called ..but there was a lot of awkwardness that day and since we both worked for that awful place, I understood what you had going on..
Scott: I think I was sort of an ass..
Me: Maybe.. but that place made us all like that.. I still liked you tho..
Scott: *laughed* Story of my life.. well, that's how I remembered it, but I do feel badly cuz I should've said what I meant to say and I have no idea why I didn't..stupid.. but I'm sorry.. for the record.. and now, you look great, very sexy and cute, and you're probably making someone very happy right now.
Me: *laughing even harder* Yeah.. 3 gay boys.. Story of MY life.. You should give me your number and we can catch up..
By the way, yes, I know.. this isn't quite the hilarious conversation you were all imagining.. but this is part of the story so just deal..
So he uses his phone to take my number and just call me since mine was in coat check and we both thought it'd register the missed call and that'd be that, we could reconnect.. and a bit later, I went up to him and told him not to leave without saying goodbye and he agreed he wouldn't.. but I had to finish dancing.. Literally, 10 minutes later, after my last bit of gettin' down with my bad self, which I must say, I was groo-oo-vin (So good, it needs 3 syllables), and I turned around and he and his friends were gone. I figure, no worries, he probably didn't want to interrupt me.. but when I checked my phone later, no missed call. The call just didn't take.. Yet the guy remembered my first AND last name. When introducing him, I didn't even get his first name right, which at the time, I would've sworn on my own life I knew.. He was very sweet about correcting me, tho I felt like an ass then, but he didn't care.. besides, he distracted me with his cuteness.. and it really has been like 8 years.. cut me some slack!
So ok.. you're asking, uh.. point please? Yes.. getting to that.. the point is, even if he never calls and thinks I've blown him off yet again, which I hope he doesn't cuz he is a really good guy, I got something guys don't offer very often - CLOSURE. And hell, an apology too. Bonus! Who'd have thunk it?! No one gets that 8 years after the fact.. just doesn't happen. I mean, maybe you aren't stunned.. but really, I was.. still am that he had the balls to approach me and say that when he easily could've avoided the whole situation. Maybe he was just trying to set his karmic record straight.. I have no idea..but it really feels like things are happening that just aren't normal for me.. life-changing as it were.. and God, it feels good.. so to whomever is twisting fate around in my favor.. uh.. please don't stop.. and oh yeah, thank you!
The prime example of this came late Saturday night while out with Gays of our Lives.. I love my gay boyfriends, don't get me wrong.. they were cuter than what most of Chop Suey had to offer and certainly knew how to dance better than the majority.. Oh wow.. you should've seen the poor children moving about like mental patients without their Ritalin.. it was sad.. like Sally-Struthers-children-with-flies-all-over-their-faces sad.. but I digress..
One of my all-time favorite dj's, Mark Farina, blessed us with his presence and it was such a great release to just move around and jitterbug all the bad ickies out of my system from the last two weeks.. I so needed it.. Upon taking a break since we could barely breathe the sweat-laden, humid air à la Dante's Inferno, a cute guy approached me I instantly recognized from a pub where we both used to work years ago.
Scott: Hey, do you remember me?
Me: Yes, of course..
*niceties ensue - blah blah blah*
Scott: I just wanted to tell you, I think about you all the time..
Me: *shocked* Really? Why?
Scott: Well, remember when we ended up together one night? I was really drunk..
Me: *embarrassed slightly cuz that's not how you ever imagined someone starting a brilliant conversation telling you they remember you but also the fact they were plastered.. badly* Oh.. yeah.. what about it? *wincing for what I thought was going to come next*
Scott: Well, I remember I had a good time with you.. and I woke up and said something stupid like ‛Wow, I was really wasted last night'. And what I should've said, was 'Hey, I really like you, I had a great time with you, can I see you again?'....
Me: *stunned into silence..mouth agape (if mouths can be agape these days.. then mine was)*
Scott: You didn't call me after that so I figured that was your answer.
Me: Um.. no, you blew me off, if I remember right.. I had a mad crush on you.. I think I would've called ..but there was a lot of awkwardness that day and since we both worked for that awful place, I understood what you had going on..
Scott: I think I was sort of an ass..
Me: Maybe.. but that place made us all like that.. I still liked you tho..
Scott: *laughed* Story of my life.. well, that's how I remembered it, but I do feel badly cuz I should've said what I meant to say and I have no idea why I didn't..stupid.. but I'm sorry.. for the record.. and now, you look great, very sexy and cute, and you're probably making someone very happy right now.
Me: *laughing even harder* Yeah.. 3 gay boys.. Story of MY life.. You should give me your number and we can catch up..
By the way, yes, I know.. this isn't quite the hilarious conversation you were all imagining.. but this is part of the story so just deal..
So he uses his phone to take my number and just call me since mine was in coat check and we both thought it'd register the missed call and that'd be that, we could reconnect.. and a bit later, I went up to him and told him not to leave without saying goodbye and he agreed he wouldn't.. but I had to finish dancing.. Literally, 10 minutes later, after my last bit of gettin' down with my bad self, which I must say, I was groo-oo-vin (So good, it needs 3 syllables), and I turned around and he and his friends were gone. I figure, no worries, he probably didn't want to interrupt me.. but when I checked my phone later, no missed call. The call just didn't take.. Yet the guy remembered my first AND last name. When introducing him, I didn't even get his first name right, which at the time, I would've sworn on my own life I knew.. He was very sweet about correcting me, tho I felt like an ass then, but he didn't care.. besides, he distracted me with his cuteness.. and it really has been like 8 years.. cut me some slack!
So ok.. you're asking, uh.. point please? Yes.. getting to that.. the point is, even if he never calls and thinks I've blown him off yet again, which I hope he doesn't cuz he is a really good guy, I got something guys don't offer very often - CLOSURE. And hell, an apology too. Bonus! Who'd have thunk it?! No one gets that 8 years after the fact.. just doesn't happen. I mean, maybe you aren't stunned.. but really, I was.. still am that he had the balls to approach me and say that when he easily could've avoided the whole situation. Maybe he was just trying to set his karmic record straight.. I have no idea..but it really feels like things are happening that just aren't normal for me.. life-changing as it were.. and God, it feels good.. so to whomever is twisting fate around in my favor.. uh.. please don't stop.. and oh yeah, thank you!
Friday, May 20, 2005
Thunderstorms, rainbows & the big picture
This is what I drove up to when I turned on my road home yesterday.. It didn't come out as beautiful as it really was..but it'll do..
It has been pouring here.. thunder and lightning.. like the opening scene in Day After Tomorrow.. I'm waiting for the sign of Noah.. I mean, holy crap.. the last couple of days it seems like God's saying something and maybe only a few of us are paying attention.. I don't know about the rest of you, but I am. Better to be safe than sorry people.. and if there's an ark to be built.. I'm sure as hell gettin' on it.. that's all I'm sayin'.
I've certainly seen better weeks than this last one. I've realized sometimes people who love you will do really stupid things that hurt you anyway.. realized maybe I don't handle those things so well.. ok, no maybe about that.. and goddamn do I need medicated for my pms! Lord.. yesterday I was tearing up over commercials for cotton.. I mean.. WHAT is THAT about?! And on a side note.. why the hell do they need commercials for cotton? Practically every piece of clothing I'm currently wearing and probably you're wearing.. and maybe your boss is wearing has cotton in it.. I use cotton balls for my nail polish remover, Q-Tips to lovingly remove the heinous wax in my ears every morning.. why why why do they need to advertise? Like we aren't hearing it loudly enough, ‛Hey people.. don't you just love that cotton?? Buy more!' It seems a tad unnecessary.. doesn't it? Are polyester and spandex taking over to the point we need to be worried? Am I the only one who's ever asked these questions? Hm.. maybe so..
But I drove up my road after a long day at work, after trying to make a positive move toward this friend in whom I'm sorely disappointed, after thinking this isn't the worst thing that could happen or has ever happened for that matter, and I see this gorgeous rainbow.. defying the fact there's visibly no sun out.. tho I'm sure it's there somewhere, thru the raining of cats and dogs and clouds and rolling thunder and reminded me this is SO small in that cliched big picture.. It sorta gave me a friendly but firm smack on the top of my head like.. ‛Hey don't be an idiot.. see this sort of random prism of light and color? THIS is amazing and incredible.. your problems..? Yeah, not so much.. so fucking get over it already.. Geez!' Yeah, just like that.. and then I laugh at myself cuz I had that little kermit-the-frog-banjo song, The Rainbow Connection, going thru my head and I felt like I was 12 and dorky all over again.. Oh shut up over there. You know the words too.. Don't lie..
The nasty funk I was in is being kicked to the curb and I'm happy I feel better.. Knowing drama is only perpetuated by further creation of drama reminds me I have to learn how to prevent that more often.. I mean I've changed a lot in the last year alone.. but remembering to keep myself from shifting into the drama-queen gear isn't second-nature yet.. It helps to have really good friends around with oh so many many skills of tolerating and listening to me.. I couldn't possibly be more blessed.. really, trust me on this..
Tuesday, May 17, 2005
What's on your friend menu?
Do you lean towards the deceitful? The unkind? The bitchy and sometimes just plain mean? Or like the rest of us, do you prefer your friends to be sweet and kind and supportive and loving and fun and trusting? I'm just wondering .. you know, for no reason whatsoever.. next to the thoughts of what's in my belly button and what the meaning of life is.. it's there, this thought of what makes up a good friend.. needing to be answered. Plaguing me like a door-to door Mormon insisting his 5 levels of heaven are better than my minimal amount of 1.. You have to answer (and, if you're me, argue with them too) the question when it comes up.
I've found my group of friends mostly made up of all the good things I want and need.. I'm often told at parties where I have a large group of people around I know that my friends are great and nice and most often, good people.. It always makes me happy to hear because I'd like to think the statement about you attracting those who most reflect yourself is true.. But over a little time, I've seen that little menu of characteristics I have in my friends evolve into a little trailer hitch addition of the negative.. and it's not caused by everyone.. just a random person here or there causing distraction, bumps in the road that you figure out quickly, change that bad tire out and distance yourself because that's the best thing for you.. but what happens if it's someone who isn't so fly by night.. someone you really like and you've known for more than a year..? This is why Mensa isn't calling me..well, among other reasons.. cuz I'm stumped..
Where do these people come from? Some bi-polar plane where they come off nice and sweet and cool at first and then when you like them they turn on you? Stop taking their medication? You know these people.. they're insecure but sort of ballsy and intimidating.. and there's something sexy about that sometimes.. all Will & Grace wit and kick ass style.. it suckers you in at first cuz you don't think that's completely all that they're about.. there's a compassionate and adorable side to them.. isn't there? Well, isn't there? Hellooooooooo..... *echo* *echo*.... Because if there isn't.. those type of friends should be limited to the people who don't have any.. who are so desperate they'll take any backstabbing, two-timing, lying and cowardly associate they can get.. right? Cuz who in their right mind would maintain a friendship like that.. someone with a masochistic tendency who likes crappy friends and also, coincidentally, stabbing themselves in the eye with a ballpoint pen?! No.. not necessarily Dorothy.. click those heels together and you might come home to find a little wicked witch in your favorite little Glinda.. It happens. Sometimes they become friends thru obvious ways.. thru boys you dated or other friends you know and you bond over everything... nights out, cute shoes, bad days, etc.. and you think, wow.. it's good to have good friends.. So it comes on slowly, at least to you cuz hey, maybe you're slow, like me, hence the Mensa comment above.. and you don't think anything of them telling a new person that you are their friend, but so and so is their GOOD friend..well of course not. The GOOD friend is practically her sister, known each other for years.. so whatever, that's really nothing.. or she introduces you to new guy she's been hanging out with.. she stops hanging out with him when she starts seeing someone else.. and you and he become friends.. suddenly you notice he's back on her radar...oh.. um.. interesting.. I guess.. you and he are just friends so it doesn't matter..but does it seem like she's trying to compete for some reason? No..that's silly, she wouldn't be like that.. would she? No, no... but then there was that guy she knew you liked.. and he doesn't like you now but did at one time, last summer and you didn't like him til he was well over it.. so what, so maybe she didn't seem so supportive when you needed to just whine about how you missed your chance.. It's not like you have to be completely mature or right when you bitch to your friends.. he disappears cuz he thinks you sorta screwed with his head, you understand, but it still sucks cuz you were friends, you thought.. but whatever, he's an ass, whether it's true or not you only need to hear someone back you up, just a little.. that 'yeah.. he sucks..' is so comforting. Not a lot to ask, right? That's what friends do..Except it sort of seems that you're the one who sucks for not liking him when you had the chance.. cuz you know, it's THAT easy to turn your feelings off and on.. right right.. stupid me. Mensa may not be calling me, but hey, the circus might..
So then it comes to pass out of no where that disappearing guy isn't so gone.. you're in his email addresses (Why why why do people do that anyway? It boggles me.. it's boggling.. ) for random everyone-in-his-address-book emails.. and thru niceties at first you question, like any NORMAL person would do, why he disappeared.. this gets into dredging things up you didn't mean to.. suddenly oh there was just a lot of awkwardness between him and your girlfriend he says because she and disappearing guy's close friend were a couple.. when they broke up, right around the time you decided you liked disappearing guy, (before he disappeared of course) low and behold, he and your friend apparently sucked face.. right when she knew you liked him.. a few times.. did I mention she knew I liked him? And it happened more than once? Oooooooooooooh.. Really? That's...hmm.. oh so interesting cuz I DIDN'T KNOW THAT....
*ahem*....
Honestly, it's not like I care now who they've smooched on .. I care I was told almost a year later.. and that no one ever contradicted my belief that he walked away cuz he didn't want anything to do with me. They actually created too much icky amongst themselves that he decided THEN to scurry away cuz he needed to be a better friend to his.. well, ‛friend'.. I guess.. I'm sure he was just racked with guilt.. or the clap maybe.. one can only hope.. I don't care what they did so much as the covering it up part. I just sorta have this thing about lies.. and the liars who tell them.. or witholding information, which is the same thing as a lie. And it's not like I'm proud of my reactions. Oh I went thru the gamut of emotions with this.. just plain freaked out a little. I shook so badly from the adrenaline yesterday I thought I had Parkinson's caused by one of her asenine emails of ‛trying to be nice' when the only thing nice about it was that ‛nice' existed there in that sentence, but it was never actually something she was conveying. And then there was his slam that I wasn't mature - cuz oh yeah.. that's exactly what this is about.. MY maturity.. Completely forgot.. I would think maturity was the obvious thing they were probably missing along with GOOD JUDGEMENT last summer when they both decided to be crappy friends to people.. but oh yeah.. this is SOOOOOOO about me.. Thanks for the reminder.. I must be crazy.. forget the circus.. call for the psych ward.. I'm obviously a hazard to the community!
The funny thing about this.. when I calmed down.. was that I realized how easy this should've been. Simply put, a real friend would've emailed or *gasp* called me (instead of getting mad cuz I didn't call her and deal with this the way she thought I should) and said, ‛I'm really sorry. Please tell me what I can do to make this better. Let me know when you want to talk.' They're simple words.. very short sentences.. nothing complicated or above 3rd grade level, but she chose to email sans even a small greeting and asked for her things back - not forgiveness or understanding - nope, just ‛please return blah cuz I know you borrowed them..' Oooook.. like if she didn't act quickly I was going to burn them or something.. cuz you know it's not like I want to keep them.. but obviously I'm such a mental case, immature and oh yeah, wrong to be upset cuz she's SOOOOO trustworthy, that I couldn't possibly be 33 and adult and able to return things that don't belong to me. And I can't believe I was thinking about stupid things like friendship and trust when ohmygod - STOP EVERYTHING - I have her belongings!
*sigh*
It does help tho.. cuz I had this epiphany.. the one of my life without her in it, where things are a bit easier and happier cuz there's no questionable girlfriend who talks behind my back or competes with me for whatever guy or was voted ‛most likely to deceive' . It's genius really. Is that my phone ringing? I think Mensa might've changed its mind. Or is it Zagat cuz I mean, my friend menu could be back up to its 4 star rating?? I'm betting tho it's just the clue phone I'm finally realizing is for me.. cuz it really IS that simple..
I've found my group of friends mostly made up of all the good things I want and need.. I'm often told at parties where I have a large group of people around I know that my friends are great and nice and most often, good people.. It always makes me happy to hear because I'd like to think the statement about you attracting those who most reflect yourself is true.. But over a little time, I've seen that little menu of characteristics I have in my friends evolve into a little trailer hitch addition of the negative.. and it's not caused by everyone.. just a random person here or there causing distraction, bumps in the road that you figure out quickly, change that bad tire out and distance yourself because that's the best thing for you.. but what happens if it's someone who isn't so fly by night.. someone you really like and you've known for more than a year..? This is why Mensa isn't calling me..well, among other reasons.. cuz I'm stumped..
Where do these people come from? Some bi-polar plane where they come off nice and sweet and cool at first and then when you like them they turn on you? Stop taking their medication? You know these people.. they're insecure but sort of ballsy and intimidating.. and there's something sexy about that sometimes.. all Will & Grace wit and kick ass style.. it suckers you in at first cuz you don't think that's completely all that they're about.. there's a compassionate and adorable side to them.. isn't there? Well, isn't there? Hellooooooooo..... *echo* *echo*.... Because if there isn't.. those type of friends should be limited to the people who don't have any.. who are so desperate they'll take any backstabbing, two-timing, lying and cowardly associate they can get.. right? Cuz who in their right mind would maintain a friendship like that.. someone with a masochistic tendency who likes crappy friends and also, coincidentally, stabbing themselves in the eye with a ballpoint pen?! No.. not necessarily Dorothy.. click those heels together and you might come home to find a little wicked witch in your favorite little Glinda.. It happens. Sometimes they become friends thru obvious ways.. thru boys you dated or other friends you know and you bond over everything... nights out, cute shoes, bad days, etc.. and you think, wow.. it's good to have good friends.. So it comes on slowly, at least to you cuz hey, maybe you're slow, like me, hence the Mensa comment above.. and you don't think anything of them telling a new person that you are their friend, but so and so is their GOOD friend..well of course not. The GOOD friend is practically her sister, known each other for years.. so whatever, that's really nothing.. or she introduces you to new guy she's been hanging out with.. she stops hanging out with him when she starts seeing someone else.. and you and he become friends.. suddenly you notice he's back on her radar...oh.. um.. interesting.. I guess.. you and he are just friends so it doesn't matter..but does it seem like she's trying to compete for some reason? No..that's silly, she wouldn't be like that.. would she? No, no... but then there was that guy she knew you liked.. and he doesn't like you now but did at one time, last summer and you didn't like him til he was well over it.. so what, so maybe she didn't seem so supportive when you needed to just whine about how you missed your chance.. It's not like you have to be completely mature or right when you bitch to your friends.. he disappears cuz he thinks you sorta screwed with his head, you understand, but it still sucks cuz you were friends, you thought.. but whatever, he's an ass, whether it's true or not you only need to hear someone back you up, just a little.. that 'yeah.. he sucks..' is so comforting. Not a lot to ask, right? That's what friends do..Except it sort of seems that you're the one who sucks for not liking him when you had the chance.. cuz you know, it's THAT easy to turn your feelings off and on.. right right.. stupid me. Mensa may not be calling me, but hey, the circus might..
So then it comes to pass out of no where that disappearing guy isn't so gone.. you're in his email addresses (Why why why do people do that anyway? It boggles me.. it's boggling.. ) for random everyone-in-his-address-book emails.. and thru niceties at first you question, like any NORMAL person would do, why he disappeared.. this gets into dredging things up you didn't mean to.. suddenly oh there was just a lot of awkwardness between him and your girlfriend he says because she and disappearing guy's close friend were a couple.. when they broke up, right around the time you decided you liked disappearing guy, (before he disappeared of course) low and behold, he and your friend apparently sucked face.. right when she knew you liked him.. a few times.. did I mention she knew I liked him? And it happened more than once? Oooooooooooooh.. Really? That's...hmm.. oh so interesting cuz I DIDN'T KNOW THAT....
*ahem*....
Honestly, it's not like I care now who they've smooched on .. I care I was told almost a year later.. and that no one ever contradicted my belief that he walked away cuz he didn't want anything to do with me. They actually created too much icky amongst themselves that he decided THEN to scurry away cuz he needed to be a better friend to his.. well, ‛friend'.. I guess.. I'm sure he was just racked with guilt.. or the clap maybe.. one can only hope.. I don't care what they did so much as the covering it up part. I just sorta have this thing about lies.. and the liars who tell them.. or witholding information, which is the same thing as a lie. And it's not like I'm proud of my reactions. Oh I went thru the gamut of emotions with this.. just plain freaked out a little. I shook so badly from the adrenaline yesterday I thought I had Parkinson's caused by one of her asenine emails of ‛trying to be nice' when the only thing nice about it was that ‛nice' existed there in that sentence, but it was never actually something she was conveying. And then there was his slam that I wasn't mature - cuz oh yeah.. that's exactly what this is about.. MY maturity.. Completely forgot.. I would think maturity was the obvious thing they were probably missing along with GOOD JUDGEMENT last summer when they both decided to be crappy friends to people.. but oh yeah.. this is SOOOOOOO about me.. Thanks for the reminder.. I must be crazy.. forget the circus.. call for the psych ward.. I'm obviously a hazard to the community!
The funny thing about this.. when I calmed down.. was that I realized how easy this should've been. Simply put, a real friend would've emailed or *gasp* called me (instead of getting mad cuz I didn't call her and deal with this the way she thought I should) and said, ‛I'm really sorry. Please tell me what I can do to make this better. Let me know when you want to talk.' They're simple words.. very short sentences.. nothing complicated or above 3rd grade level, but she chose to email sans even a small greeting and asked for her things back - not forgiveness or understanding - nope, just ‛please return blah cuz I know you borrowed them..' Oooook.. like if she didn't act quickly I was going to burn them or something.. cuz you know it's not like I want to keep them.. but obviously I'm such a mental case, immature and oh yeah, wrong to be upset cuz she's SOOOOO trustworthy, that I couldn't possibly be 33 and adult and able to return things that don't belong to me. And I can't believe I was thinking about stupid things like friendship and trust when ohmygod - STOP EVERYTHING - I have her belongings!
*sigh*
It does help tho.. cuz I had this epiphany.. the one of my life without her in it, where things are a bit easier and happier cuz there's no questionable girlfriend who talks behind my back or competes with me for whatever guy or was voted ‛most likely to deceive' . It's genius really. Is that my phone ringing? I think Mensa might've changed its mind. Or is it Zagat cuz I mean, my friend menu could be back up to its 4 star rating?? I'm betting tho it's just the clue phone I'm finally realizing is for me.. cuz it really IS that simple..
Saturday, May 07, 2005
In memory
Today's my dad's birthday.. I think he would've been 59 if he was still alive. It's weird.. with those I was close to that have died I usually I forget their birthdays. I don't know why. And I feel so badly when I forget and that I should've mourned them more, but I think they'd rather I think of them on all the other days during the year that I do.. I dunno... they're dead, so I have no idea what they think..or even if they do.. I'm sure they do, but hoping they're too busy in whatever I imagine heaven to be playing volleyball with Ghandi or something.. well, maybe not volleyball.. Ghandi's a bit on the short side for that.. badmitten maybe.. yeah..
On the 15th it'll be 5 years ago that he died in his sleep - we should all be so lucky. His heart was just worn out. He was sick anyway.. had leukemia but was in remission, going on 5 years, but I realized that is about as long as they expect you to live when you've had it.. and his body was so damaged from every pill that was supposed to keep him from having something worse...he was basically legally blind - can't remember if that was caused by the meds or not, his hip was deteriorating from the meds he took to keep him from being nauseaus all the time and that bothered him enough he had to walk with a cane, stuff like that.. and that was besides the results of the (and please forgive any misspellings here cuz I'm no doctor) graft vs. host disease he got about 6 months after the bone marrow transplant he received from his brother near the end of my last year in college in 1995 .. for no reason, the new bone marrow didn't really like him much - most of my family didn't either so no surprise there, but he was still my dad and watching his tummy swell up to something that looked like it belonged more on a pregnant woman about 8 months along was hard. Fluids weren't processing out of his body like they should so they accumulated in the cells between the skin tissues we were told. They had to operate a few times, putting what's called a shunt in his body to help drain the fluids, except sometimes the shunt would get plugged and they'd have to go in and fix that too.. and I do believe he and Mom were both thinking positive that he'd get that new liver he was on the list for.. but I think I was the only one who was realistic enough to know if they ever called his name, he'd never survive the healing it would take from that process if he ever got out of the operating room..but I never said that outloud.
Yeah.. let me tell you, not so much fun.. especially if you knew my dad.
We were one of those families that defined the saying ‟We put the ‛fun' back in dysfunctional". If even the smallest thing got on Dad's nerves, he didn't just tell you, he yelled about it.. well after you left the room he was still going on and on.. and on and on.. he was, to say the least, a very angry person. The oldest in his family of 4 boys, he received the brunt of all the discipline from my grandfather, who, in his old age you could never imagine him being so rough, but I'm sure, when he was younger, he took the belt to my father too many times.. that's the way it was back then. And all that abuse resulted in some seriously fucked up self-esteem and lots of unresolved anger in my father and, being the redneck he was, God love him, he never dealt with that. Don't get me wrong, Dad could be the biggest sweetheart too.. my favorite memories are when he would call me Suzie Q, which had always been his nickname for me, and he'd whistle thru his teeth on the 's' or the times when I was so small he'd let me wrap my arms around his leg and he'd walk around with me sitting on his cowboy boot all giggly and pretending I wasn't really there.
He definitely had his good moments and I loved him dearly being literally, the biggest man in my life.. but the illness only heightened the bad moods and made him pretty much intolerable to be around when he was really uncomfortable and/or in pain. I hated the way his gorgeous blue eyes turned icy cold when he was mad.. I remember holidays just being so nerve-wracking wondering if something might launch him into a tirade..but, I think ultimately, he was just really, really afraid of dying.
I couldn't blame Dad for his fear.. Just a few months before in February, my mother lost her step-dad to cancer and he'd apparently been battling it for 10 years, but I didn't know about it. He seemed fine to me.. but then suddenly it escalated over the holidays and he became a shadow of himself, unable to talk and moments away from death as his whole family surrounded him saying goodbye. When he was going, my cousin was sitting next to him holding his hand - my grandfather just squeezed it and Lyle shouted to my gram. God - almost nothing is more heart-wrenching than watching your grandmother run into a room desperate, saying goodbye to the man she's loved for more than 25 years, huddled over him, holding on for dear life and telling him through her tears that it's ok.. she loves him and he can go... No really, just try to find something worse.. I dare you.. I mean, it was beautiful and amazing and awful at the same time.. I still feel very lucky to have witnessed all that, but I hated to see her so broken.
The day before my father died was Mother's Day and I'd called to say hello to both of my parents - I think I'd driven the 4 & 1/2 hour trek down to Stayton the week before for Dad's birthday so I'd just been there - and when Mom was talking to me, the usual small stuff we do, she happened to mention that Dad had been ‛weird' lately.. which isn't something she ever said about anyone so when I asked what she meant by it, she told me he'd been really forgetful, absent-minded, forgetting where keys are, that sort of thing - but sort of goofy too - also just unlike him. When it was his turn to chat with me I asked him if he was feeling ok and he actually did sound rather spry when he said, ‛Yeah I'm fine, Suzie.' We had a really good talk too.. just about nothing, but not like we'd had in a while.. it was so nice and more than that, a relief for once.
I rather like remembering that day more than the next when I was back home and Mom called my office that morning and told me not so calmly but point blank that Dad was dead. He'd gone back to bed after getting up that morning and hanging out with her for a bit before her dentist's appt. When she came back, she reminded him it was time to take his meds and there was no response, she went to his room. He was still just a bit warm, but gone. She tried to revive him and I don't really enjoy thinking of her completely hysterical calling 911 and going thru all that, but I know it happened.
About 5 years before that one of my best friends had died, fallen asleep at the wheel on his way back to Arcada from Portland after his mother's funeral (a different buzz kill story for another time) and I felt his presence for a good 2 months after that.. I can't explain it, maybe it was cuz he was so young and it was so unexpected... but I was in my father's room the afternoon on the day he died and there wasn't anything. A month or so after, I had a dream of him where he seemed so sad and in pain, but told me to look after Mom and make myself happy. I woke up crying, but instantly noticed the most interesting thing.. the room felt tingly.. like some energy had been there and the tail end of it was just about gone.. I don't know how better to explain it.. but I was so relieved to have felt something finally - some sort of acknowledgement. I didn't see him, but I know it was Dad.
At Christmas this year, Mom told me he actually appeared to her one evening when she was in the tub. She heard him call her name, she got out and saw him in the room across from the bathroom - just standing there... and he told her he was ok and not to worry. I prefer to think of him that way - out of pain, happy, and free. Again, we should all be so lucky..
I love you Pop.. happy birthday!
On the 15th it'll be 5 years ago that he died in his sleep - we should all be so lucky. His heart was just worn out. He was sick anyway.. had leukemia but was in remission, going on 5 years, but I realized that is about as long as they expect you to live when you've had it.. and his body was so damaged from every pill that was supposed to keep him from having something worse...he was basically legally blind - can't remember if that was caused by the meds or not, his hip was deteriorating from the meds he took to keep him from being nauseaus all the time and that bothered him enough he had to walk with a cane, stuff like that.. and that was besides the results of the (and please forgive any misspellings here cuz I'm no doctor) graft vs. host disease he got about 6 months after the bone marrow transplant he received from his brother near the end of my last year in college in 1995 .. for no reason, the new bone marrow didn't really like him much - most of my family didn't either so no surprise there, but he was still my dad and watching his tummy swell up to something that looked like it belonged more on a pregnant woman about 8 months along was hard. Fluids weren't processing out of his body like they should so they accumulated in the cells between the skin tissues we were told. They had to operate a few times, putting what's called a shunt in his body to help drain the fluids, except sometimes the shunt would get plugged and they'd have to go in and fix that too.. and I do believe he and Mom were both thinking positive that he'd get that new liver he was on the list for.. but I think I was the only one who was realistic enough to know if they ever called his name, he'd never survive the healing it would take from that process if he ever got out of the operating room..but I never said that outloud.
Yeah.. let me tell you, not so much fun.. especially if you knew my dad.
We were one of those families that defined the saying ‟We put the ‛fun' back in dysfunctional". If even the smallest thing got on Dad's nerves, he didn't just tell you, he yelled about it.. well after you left the room he was still going on and on.. and on and on.. he was, to say the least, a very angry person. The oldest in his family of 4 boys, he received the brunt of all the discipline from my grandfather, who, in his old age you could never imagine him being so rough, but I'm sure, when he was younger, he took the belt to my father too many times.. that's the way it was back then. And all that abuse resulted in some seriously fucked up self-esteem and lots of unresolved anger in my father and, being the redneck he was, God love him, he never dealt with that. Don't get me wrong, Dad could be the biggest sweetheart too.. my favorite memories are when he would call me Suzie Q, which had always been his nickname for me, and he'd whistle thru his teeth on the 's' or the times when I was so small he'd let me wrap my arms around his leg and he'd walk around with me sitting on his cowboy boot all giggly and pretending I wasn't really there.
He definitely had his good moments and I loved him dearly being literally, the biggest man in my life.. but the illness only heightened the bad moods and made him pretty much intolerable to be around when he was really uncomfortable and/or in pain. I hated the way his gorgeous blue eyes turned icy cold when he was mad.. I remember holidays just being so nerve-wracking wondering if something might launch him into a tirade..but, I think ultimately, he was just really, really afraid of dying.
I couldn't blame Dad for his fear.. Just a few months before in February, my mother lost her step-dad to cancer and he'd apparently been battling it for 10 years, but I didn't know about it. He seemed fine to me.. but then suddenly it escalated over the holidays and he became a shadow of himself, unable to talk and moments away from death as his whole family surrounded him saying goodbye. When he was going, my cousin was sitting next to him holding his hand - my grandfather just squeezed it and Lyle shouted to my gram. God - almost nothing is more heart-wrenching than watching your grandmother run into a room desperate, saying goodbye to the man she's loved for more than 25 years, huddled over him, holding on for dear life and telling him through her tears that it's ok.. she loves him and he can go... No really, just try to find something worse.. I dare you.. I mean, it was beautiful and amazing and awful at the same time.. I still feel very lucky to have witnessed all that, but I hated to see her so broken.
The day before my father died was Mother's Day and I'd called to say hello to both of my parents - I think I'd driven the 4 & 1/2 hour trek down to Stayton the week before for Dad's birthday so I'd just been there - and when Mom was talking to me, the usual small stuff we do, she happened to mention that Dad had been ‛weird' lately.. which isn't something she ever said about anyone so when I asked what she meant by it, she told me he'd been really forgetful, absent-minded, forgetting where keys are, that sort of thing - but sort of goofy too - also just unlike him. When it was his turn to chat with me I asked him if he was feeling ok and he actually did sound rather spry when he said, ‛Yeah I'm fine, Suzie.' We had a really good talk too.. just about nothing, but not like we'd had in a while.. it was so nice and more than that, a relief for once.
I rather like remembering that day more than the next when I was back home and Mom called my office that morning and told me not so calmly but point blank that Dad was dead. He'd gone back to bed after getting up that morning and hanging out with her for a bit before her dentist's appt. When she came back, she reminded him it was time to take his meds and there was no response, she went to his room. He was still just a bit warm, but gone. She tried to revive him and I don't really enjoy thinking of her completely hysterical calling 911 and going thru all that, but I know it happened.
About 5 years before that one of my best friends had died, fallen asleep at the wheel on his way back to Arcada from Portland after his mother's funeral (a different buzz kill story for another time) and I felt his presence for a good 2 months after that.. I can't explain it, maybe it was cuz he was so young and it was so unexpected... but I was in my father's room the afternoon on the day he died and there wasn't anything. A month or so after, I had a dream of him where he seemed so sad and in pain, but told me to look after Mom and make myself happy. I woke up crying, but instantly noticed the most interesting thing.. the room felt tingly.. like some energy had been there and the tail end of it was just about gone.. I don't know how better to explain it.. but I was so relieved to have felt something finally - some sort of acknowledgement. I didn't see him, but I know it was Dad.
At Christmas this year, Mom told me he actually appeared to her one evening when she was in the tub. She heard him call her name, she got out and saw him in the room across from the bathroom - just standing there... and he told her he was ok and not to worry. I prefer to think of him that way - out of pain, happy, and free. Again, we should all be so lucky..
I love you Pop.. happy birthday!
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