Thought process

Ahh.. the calm before the storm.. and here I am trying to actually enjoy the weekend. I even went to a movie! Can you believe it?! No life drama, no fighting amongst people I call friends, no packing, no cleaning - NOTHING. Just drove to a movie with a girlfriend. And NOTHING BAD HAPPENED.

This scares me.

I've been going non-stop for about 3 weeks now. I mean, I'm NEVER this busy or this stressed. Usually, when I run into a string of bad luck, a few incidences seem to indicate a pattern occuring and I think to myself.. ok, hopefully things will turn around for the better soon. I'll get thru this. But this particular string of one thing after another just kept going up til last Tuesday at least when I realized at 5:15pm that I didn't have my car keys.

Let me just say, this car is of the newer sort.. less than 5 years old and with it came some handy beepy reminders to prevent things just like this.. cuz tho I have a sharp memory for the pissy comment you might've said while we were arguing and can recite it word for word and with the correct tone, I will still forget my coffee before heading out the door in the morning.. or my lunch or laptop, etc.. So these beepy reminders are of great necessity and because of them I've never left the lights on or locked the keys in the car - ok, well, almost never. The beepy thing doesn't work if I leave the keys on the passenger seat or half way pulled out of the ignition - like this time. *Sigh*

Upon walking to the lot, I see the keys thru the car window, just mocking me while hanging ever so slightly but firmly in the ignition..where they had been since 8am that morning. Twenty minutes standing around looking like an idiot, two minutes of actual work by the 12-year-old tow driver who came and broke into my car, and $50 later, I was shaking my head going.. stupid stupid stupid..

But you have to understand, I'm SO tired. My memory and motor skills are taking a hit.. it's like watching a car slowly start to malfunction - one light at a time comes on indicating a problem, then another and another.. til it just grinds to a debilitating halt... or, as in my case, til I can barely stand up any longer and my eyes slam shut for 24 full hours as the body rejects doing anything further - thanks for playing, take your lovely consolation prizes at the door, we must really close now, no really, get out.. and I'm horizontal in dreamy unconsciousness.

I mean, work was a joke this week. It was like the special Olympics trying to make it thru with me as the underdog competitor with the most maladies. I was making error after error on the computer at work and I type 85+ wpm.. nothing record breaking, but it's decent and I couldn't seem to find my groove of getting thru emails and simple data entry. I felt like I had two left hands with all thumbs. I multi-task all day with at least 15 to 20 little windows minimized at a time and moving around getting my work done smoothly. So this strange and advanced stage of Alzheimer's I'd suddently been plagued with at 33 uh..sorta threw me. I actually lost my train of thought in the middle of sentences.. like, words just stopped, I forgot what I was saying completely and would receive the strangest looks from my co-workers. At least three times on Wednesday I noticed I'd bring up a window and I'd forget why. I had to keep going back thru my last steps and I watched my productivity plummet to sub-par. I realized I had to consciously battle to get thru the days and when 5pm finally came around on Friday I did my little happy dance - except, only virtually cuz really, there was no way in hell I had any energy to actually stand up and wiggle joyfully - not that I didn't want to, but you can't do the happy dance half-assed.. you understand. I instead opted for a simple and relieved smile and I left the office in exhausted bliss..

On the way home the world couldn't have been more beautiful. I was sitting there thinking of the plans for the weekend and my recent worries: a meeting with an almost entirely broken up friend to see if we can repair things or at least clear the air, brunch with one of the gays of our lives I adore, the ex I had a disagreement with over the phone last week, the fact my most recent ex emailed when I thought he wanted nothing to do with me and trying not to be thrown by the memories that brought back, the fight with a friend in BC over pictures she didn't like but which I didn't have time to delete when I was working to excess and moving at the same time, and oh yeah.. dealing with moving AGAIN and how I'm going to get enough people to help me one more time next weekend, etc.. when I just noticed the sky. One side towards the U-district was the darkest and deepest indigo and from there as my eyes went west, it blended all the way thru to the lighter hues to the most perfect swimming-pool blue-green with the moon just a tiny sliver and I think Venus at an angle just diagonal from it. God.. it was absolutely stunning and I wanted to just sit in that for a moment... I thought you know, things are going to be ok. I have my health, I have enough money to get by, people who love me, and I should be grateful. My heart cracked at the thought of the loss of life in London so recently and how frightened they must be just getting to work and back. I have no troubles compared to that and it humbled me.

I have a small tattoo on my left shoulder that means 'strong heart' in Chinese and it's there for when I go thru times like these - to remind me to stop whining, don't make things bigger than they are or harder than they need to be and I'll be fine. Well.. once I get some sleep, which let me say, is a wonderous thing and is something I plan to get a lot of this weekend. I'll rest and relax to the fullest extent possible without going full on Rumplestiltskin (tho the thought of that is sooooo nice..) and break down the mountain of complications into manageable chunks, dealing with the issues as they come, one at a time.

Bring 'em on.. uh..after my nap, thank you..