The Words Don't Exist

I heard it on the news yesterday morning and didn't really think much of it. Three climbers were killed in a landslide in the North Cascade mountains in an area called Sharkfin Tower about 90 miles northeast of Seattle. There were six of them.. the fourth is still in serious condition with head wounds from the rocks and amazingly, two of them were left completely unscathed. It's sad, but it didn't affect me. I came to work and plowed thru the first part of my morning when I got an email from one of my best friends, Loren. His office was shaken by this very story because one of the climbers killed was the husband of his co-worker and friend, Lori.

I mention this because Saturday Lori, the brunette in the middle, and Loren, along with their other close co-worker, Jenny, went sky diving. It was Jenny's idea, but Lori convinced Loren to do it... and don't they look excited here? This is the 'before' shot. I saw the video - I was nervous for them just watching it - after it was all over! But when he called to tell me that's what they were doing on Saturday I was like.. uh.. are you sure you want to jump out of an airplane??! Hello.. like, THOUSANDS of feet of um.. just AIR below you.. and oh LAND IS VERY FAR DOWN! But he couldn't be persuaded otherwise and I was listed as the 'emergency contact'.. just in case. The agreement was he'd call me afterwards to definitively say that no, in fact, he hadn't died. And yes, phew, they all made it thru, invigorated and proud of themselves as you can see right here. Doesn't Loren look gay boy hot in that suit?!

When he sent me the news yesterday morning, this story I have nothing to do with and which shouldn't really affect me, focused in very fast and I started to cry. All I could think about was this wonderful day three friends had together and how one would have no possible idea she would lose her husband the next day to such a tragedy. I mean, how could she? How could any of us?

When I was 23 I was finishing up my last straggling term in the fall at what is now Southern Oregon University. My friend, Nic, had transferred to Humboldt State in Arcada, California to finish his degree the year before. We'd met my sophomore year and dated a little, but I soon realized he was a bit of a player and we actually later ended up being roommates and much better friends. Our other friends thought it funny cuz they could give him advice or criticism and he'd be fine. But if I did the same thing, didn't matter what I said or how I said it, it had the opposite effect and pissed him off. I could make him mad like nobody else. In my own defense, he usually had the same effect on me. We always made up tho cuz no matter what, we really had a great love for each other as friends in spite of how stubborn we both were. He called me Angelica.. he was the only one who did and it always made me blush.

So one evening, at the end of November, I called Nic to check on him and his roommate answered. He said Nic had gone to Portland for his mother's funeral. I was shocked. He hadn't called to say anything and I was also confused. He and his real mother had always had a tense relationship and when he'd mention her, which wasn't often, I got the feeling he wasn't proud of her. But he adored his step-mother, with whom he was very close. The roommate quickly confirmed it was his real mother who'd been hit by a car and killed while crossing the street and my heart just broke for Nic. I knew this would be really hard for him. He had some unresolved issues with his mom and the one time we met up with her together, I could tell it was awkward for him. I don't know how many of his friends actually met his mother before. I was pretty sure not many. In his opinion, she had made some poor life choices for herself that included drugs, the wrong kind of men, etc. But he had to drop by for some reason and during that we decided to grab some food together. At the table, she called him Nicki and I couldn't help but crack up. It was the cutest thing ever and I could see him soften when she did it tho he quickly told me that I was the only witness to ever hear that and he very clearly didn't want me to repeat it. I knew he loved her, that was obvious. It was just complicated.. like most relationships are..

Nic's roommate said he should be back in about five or six days. For some reason, I asked about his dog, Storm, but the roommate said Nic had left in such a rush, he'd left the dog at home. This struck me as odd cuz he took Storm with him everywhere. I expected him to call on his way home at least and say he was stopping by to crash or say hello quickly since Ashland was on the way south and hoped I could offer some support. But I also knew he was working on a class project - a film in which one of our friends and former roommates, Keith, had participated and Nic needed to get back to finish.

About five or six days later, I did get a call, but it was from Keith. I was so happy to hear from him and since he wasn't living in Ashland anymore either and thought it must be to announce a pending visit. I noticed quickly, after my excited puppy dog greeting, that his voice was somber and he wasn't saying a lot. I asked what was wrong and the next words out of his mouth caused a big earthquake in my little world. He had some bad news to tell me. Nic had been on his way home from Portland after his mother's funeral, just about 25 miles out of Arcada, when he'd fallen asleep at the wheel of his VW van and hit a tree. He died instantly.

What happened after that is hard to describe and you can't understand unless you've lost someone close to you - not that you need to. Everyone goes thru something different. You have no control over the shock that sets in and probably don't even know it has. You feel like you're suddenly under water or in a quicksand sort of air that is holding all your limbs from moving any faster than slow motion. You feel everything and nothing all at once. You can't breathe, but somehow, you are. The auto-pilot feature we're all inherently built with comes in handy in situations like this. I still, of course, asked Keith to repeat what he'd just said as I was certain I'd heard it incorrectly and when he confirmed I wasn't wrong, I think I lost all feeling in my body and just collapsed to the floor. It probably seems like it took a lot of time, but it was all in a matter of seconds.

I don't know if anything can put things in perspective more than death and how it affects your life. Of course, it's a part of life, but it's certainly one of the most difficult obstacles we face, in my opinion. The loss of my friend is certainly not recent, but it binds me in a strange way to others when they lose someone they love, suddenly or not cuz I can relate to it immediately. The sudden ones are harder to understand especially when there was so much more life to be lived for those who are now gone. My friends and I still think if Nic had only taken the dog with him he would've made a few more stops on the way and been more alert.. and probably would've avoided his fatal accident. At his mother's funeral, Nic's father said tho he and Nic's mom didn't work out, the one thing he was grateful to her for was Nic. It's just not fair that 6 days later Nic was gone as well. Absolutely not fair. But I don't know of any better way to be human than to break down during such a loss or to show compassion and offer support to someone who's going thru it. The loss in London, Lori's husband, and also recently, my friend Jody's mother, who suddenly became ill and passed away as well.. to me, this is massive, tho people die every day.. but maybe just recently it's seemed to happen all at once and all I can think of to say is how sorry I am - and that can't possibly encompass everything I mean, but the words simply don't exist.

I think if you love those around you as much as you possibly can, even with all your faults, that's still enough and that's all that should matter.

To Lori, Jody, and all those who've lost someone recently including those in London, my thoughts and prayers go out to you.