Vegas - for REAL this time! And you thought my other posts were long..

I feel awful I've made you, all my darling friends and my other 4 readers, wait with bated breath for MY Vegas story.. mainly cuz it's probably all going to be a complete exaggeration just to make it look better than it really was now. But you should keep in mind that this was a work function.. however, you probably don't work with the same type of people I do.

But let's get to it, shall we? Oh goody!

Friday: Loren and I headed to the airport extremely giddy as we coffee'd and scone'd ourselves in advance preparation for any possible airport complications we might've encuntered. One cannot deal appropriately with the stress of airport security measures, which, these days, equals practically stripping down to one's skivvies in front of 150 other strangers doing the same thing, if one is still in a sleepy daze.. no no.. the caffeine must be working thru the system by the time you have to arrange and rearrange proof of the existance of you along with 14 different boarding passes and id's and high school prom pictures or you're screwed. But it still should be obvious that the cutest gay boy ever and his bestest fag hag wouldn't be carrying any concealed bombs in their shoes.. please darling.. that was soooooo last year. We're a little more fashionable than that.

Then we get on the plane, fly fly fly.. la la la.. and no problems until:

*Voice over intercom* 'We're coming up on a little turbulance, so the fasten seatbelt sign has been turned back on. Please return to your seats.'

I really didn't think anything of this.. even with some of the shaking.. and it seemed.. oh, maybe a little.. excessive.. but I was the picture of 'calm'. Yes I was. And then.. we DROPPED. Like a fucking ROCK. For probably two excruciatingly scary seconds. Did we hear everyone go 'OH!'? Did I almost throw up that coffee and scone?! Did I FREAK the FUCK out??! Oh yeah.. all of the above and I can tell you Loren thought I was going to break his frickin hand I was holding it so hard.. I didn't open my eyes again til we were landing. And you KNOW I wasn't the only one freaking out cuz EVERYONE ON THE PLANE CLAPPED. In relief! So there! Pffft.

I felt ill for the next few hours but we were thrilled to be in Vegas finally. Then I got a call from one of my co-workers who'd arrived earlier telling me that the Ultimate Fighting Championship was being held at our hotel, which I didn't really get until she said they were all in the lobby and they were all hot. Suddenly now I was paying attention. Go figure. After Loren and I checked in, we saw a few ourselves.. and oooooooh my.. one in particular, niiiiiiice arms, very attractive.. and all I could think was, oh honey.. that pretty face of yours is going to be smashed in and broken tomorrow night! Tsk, tsk.. what a shame..

We checked out the room, which had a pretty fabulous view, tho attempts to take pictures of it at night did not fare well considering the flash prevented seeing anything but the backlight of the room itself. So I gave up that idea. Instead we decided to wander before dinner thru the New York, New York and the MGM. The MGM lions were very impressive and I took a bazillion pictures of them cuz even tho they looked at me like I could've been an appetizer, still.. CUTE!

Dinner was at the Pink Taco, the so-trashy-we're-hip name of the restaurant in the Hard Rock casino. And while waiting for our reservation with 20 minutes to kill, I won $20 on the quarter slots! Yahoo! Of course I lost $10 of that in the next two minutes and decided to cash out. I thought, hey.. gambling is easy! Well.. sorta.

At dinner, where most of my office was continuing the buzz they started on the plane, a bachelorette party (one of a kajillion I saw while in Vegas) sat outside in plain view of our table.. and, thusly, I give you what eventually led to, example A: which doesn't look so bad, but one second after this picture was taken of Kyle, our VP of sales, he buried his married face into the oh-so-buxom bosom of the girl with the shiny red bra. Yes. Lovely. And on their way out, the bride-to-be, who wore a becoming veil of chiffon with CONDOMS sewn in it - yes, all the rage in Milan this season I hear - addressed my side of the table saying they were composing an alphabet photo journal and they were on the letter 'D' . so guess what they needed a picture of.. oh c'mon, just guess already. There lacked any hesitation on our part in pointing Kyle's direction for the example they required - for which he obliged immediately followed by screams and oh's shouted from the opposite table. My co-worker did her best to shield her eyes, but I fear she may be scarred for life. However, in Kyle's defense, he's got some snazzy boxers. As boy so astutely observed when he accompanied me to my office Christmas party back in December, "You guys don't have an HR department, do you?"

I then proceeded to spill a large amount of food upon my pretty shirt. Why why WHY am I blessed with that particular skill, I ask you..? So Loren, and I, along with my co-worker, Darlene, and her daughter went back to the hotel - not thinking we would miss out on the ENTIRE rest of my company going to Crazy Horse Too for LAP DANCES! I mean what is a trip to Vegas without a lap dance people??! I think a very dull one, yes I do! Tho it did probably save me a thousand pictures of me with my face turning 80 shades of red in front of my co-workers so I'm a teensy bit grateful that didn't happen.. but that's all. LAP DANCES people! God!

After the lap dance extravaganza, the crew rejoined us back at the Hard Rock where there was quite the frustration as we tried to get into Body English, Hard Rock's nightclub, which, by the way, if you LOVE lines and cheesy long-haired soap opera looking guys with clipboards who promise you they'll 'be right with you', then GO MY CHILDREN, GO! But we are not those people and there was much irritation after promises of VIP-ness were not remembered.. and I watched my sales manager and her cute boyfriend convince them to let us in and um, hi, no, we aren't buying any bottles, let alone three.. whatever dude.. let us IN. And we got in, shockingly. But once inside, Loren and I looked at each other after only a few minutes hearing the worst hip-hop ever and seeing just how crowded it was, we thought, hmm.. yeah.. don't think so.. and we left to gamble instead.

Aaaaaand.. I learned to play craps!! I did! And I was winning! Well, cuz this guy next to me just told me to play what he was playing - but I was winning! MONEY! Like.. lots! Ok.. $10 at a time.. but still! I got to roll the dice and everything! For 10 minutes! They said that was a long time, ok? And I did my best to restrain myself from kissing them like they do in the movies - but there weren't any slow motion effects to go along with it so I thought, um.. no.. that would be so not worth getting some weird dice disease cuz I didn't know where those dice had been.. no no.. but I did learn something while winning lots of money.. which was not, to be clear, NOT how to keep it.. and um.. shortly thereafter, I was losing all said money won. No real shocker there.. I have better luck throwing $100 bill out the window people.. but I left with $30 and that was fine with me.

We tried to find another nightclub, but had a hard time admitting maybe we weren't going to find the music we particularly liked and certainly no where without a pretty steep cover. So since the city doesn't really sleep, we thought we'd better. 12:30am on our first night in Vegas = done. Yes, we're sissies.. just frickin say it already.

Saturday: Loren had a fabulous idea to head down to The Paris and have crepes for breakfast. On our way down to meet Jamie and her girlfriend who were coming with, this random drunk got in the elevator and on his way out asked us if we'd heard about the DEAD BODY that was found in the hallway on the 25th floor the day before... yeah.. just throws that out there - no pleasantries, no 'Have a good day'. No! Dead body is the first thing he can think of. Um, hi.. that would be a NO, we hadn't heard and oh yeah, thank you for ruining my appetite. But then of course he left and we were like.. oooh.. was CSI and homicide here and everything?? The answer was yes. Yes they were.. and crap! We missed it! There was some glory in being the first to spread the news around to the group and witness the shock - I know - sue me for that bit of morbid enjoyment. I'm evil.

We really got to exploring then. The four of us wandered down the strip, took pictures, walked by Elvis and dammit if I didn't get a picture of him - again, what is Vegas with no picture of Elvis?? I know.. my bad. But we saw our first-and-only-real-life showgirl in front of The Paris, got our crepes - which took FOREVER - ohmygod, Saturday morning in Vegas - DO avoid brunch if you can - and then wandered over to The Bellagio where we took the BEST PICTURES EVER IN THE HISTORY OF PICTURES in front of the Jesus Saves guy. We, of course, thought we were causing such a scene but I don't think the Jesus Saves guy was really paying close enough attention. I told Jamie and her girlfriend they were going to burn in Hell anyway - just for effect.

The Bellagio was beautiful.. and we took many pictures as you'll have to check out in the flickr badge cuz Blogger is being difficult.. but again, don't view them as a slideshow or you'll miss me being all kinds of funny and humorous and all things comedic in the comments. Yes you will!

We then hit the roller coaster at The New York, New York and all I can tell you is that thing fucking scared the crap out of me! It was great! It was fast! And I thought I was going to DIE! I mean, I LOVE roller coasters, don't get me wrong.. LOVE LOVE LOVE them. But the pictures didn't lie.. you know the ones they take during the ride while you're screaming your bloody guts out.. and oh yes, I look like the first anonymous girl about to be killed in any given horror movie - THAT scared. True story. Needless to say, we didn't need the pictures to remember the ride.

We were exhausted after that so we tried to nap, but Darlene found a t-shirt with my name on it that she wanted to give me (so sweet) so after I retrieved that, I had to switch elevators in the main lobby in order to get back to my room.. and on my way to my elevator, I felt someone quickly brush by me, someone I only saw a partial side view and mostly the back but noticed the Rolling Stones concert t-shirt on him.. and then I remembered they were at the MGM that night and it was about 5-ish, which made sense that it was probably sound check time and he was hurrying and I saw how thin he was and then the hair, greying, curly, pulled back with a headband and a glimpse of the wrinkly face and then.. OHMYGODWASTHATWASTHAT..? And I locked eyes with only two other guys in the whole crowd of people who were doing the same thing and once words came back to us there was much nodding and shock over having just witnessed the one and only Keith Richards in our midst. Ok, well.. maybe YOU'RE not impressed.. but I get star-struck easily.. and damn, that was fuckin cool. Tho I did think it a bit narcissistic he was wearing his own tour t-shirt..

We met up with the rest of the work crew for dinner at PF Chang's and dear God, drinks were coming slow. Even the CEO was ordering doubles with the rest of us - but Angel doesn't drink doubles.. except wow, they were really good.. so somewhere after dinner, as Loren and I left to kill a little time before the Cirque Du Soleil show, I think I realized I'd had about four of those double gin and tonics and became drunk. But hey, a fun drunk!

We took pretty pictures at The Wynn, but couldn't stay long and made our way back to The Bellagio for Cirque Du Soleil's 'O'. We were so fucking excited we could hardly contain ourselves.. but this is the only picture you get of that.. the ceiling.. cuz they have usher nazis and pictures of these pretty pretty people and all they do are NOT allowed.. I'm sad for you. But we were thoroughly wide-eyed and amazed at the whole experience, including when one of them, who was very very attractive and a perfect specimen of the human body, caught our eyes directly and then playfully splashed both me and Loren! Really! Like a couple of times! And we laughed and thought, oh you silly.. DO IT AGAIN!, but um.. we had to contain ourselves, unfortunately. The front row SO rocked by the way..

The rest of the night was fun, even if O was hard to top. There was some dancing til dawn, some looking really really good, thank you very much, and enough attention from strangers to last me thru to the trip home. Oh and sleep? I think Loren got 1 hour to my none.. but when fun is to be had.. what's sleep?! Eh.. not important..

Well.. until it was time to go.

Here's what the shuttle and all the waiting at the airport due to a delayed flight did to all of us: AAAAAAAAAARRRRRGH! Yes, be glad you weren't there. Me + Loren = whiney! Ok.. I was the 'whine' part and Loren was the 'y' part, if you want me to be fair.. but this is why we gave up on pictures too. We all looked exactly like we'd stayed up all night.. you know.. cuz we did. Hmm.. yeah.. not pretty.

But honestly, tho it was disappointing to see the Seattle city lights after a long and PAID FOR (yes, that wasn't anything to sneeze at) weekend of partying and know I had to get back to being regular, old me - still broken a bit, tentative - it was nice to leave the extreme stimuli of Vegas behind. For my first time, it didn't suck, that's for sure.. but that much fun people.. expensive! And I totally understand now why people say a couple of days in Vegas is all you need. There's only so much you can take.. well, unless you're Satan.. right?

But if you're just Miss Devylish - who's mostly, almost entirely made up of so many things angelic - Seattle will do. It's not lit up 24/7, we don't party every night, but we do have the best mac n' cheese in the country. And that's all that matters.