Zoom Zoom!

It's mine! It's all mine!!

With heated leather seats.. who's gonna have the warmest ass in town? I ask you.. who?!

Now.. who wants a ride?

All I Want For Christmas Is Sanity

Ok.. I ask you.. who hasn't been too busy to blog? Seriously, who?! Ok.. so Pixie and Treena and all the other damn over-blog-achievers, suuurre.. but you know, they have cars.. they didn't recently have theirs crushed by a TREE that should've stayed vertical, so they have more time. Or something. Maybe more dedication. I don't know. I have had too much fucking time on the phone with my friends at State Farm Insurance.. and Mr. Car Salesman Guy.. and Miss Rental Car Lady. That's what I've had. And when I've finished, I wanted to throw the phone against the wall. And not in a sexy way.

Things are coming together tho.. but hormone week is kicking into full swing and you know.. complicating matters on all levels.. understanding boys, doing math - ok, at normal hormone levels I can't do that anyway, but still - trying to get things done like.. oh.. buying a car, getting a loan properly, being nice. I'm managing, but ooh.. it's tricky sometimes. That nice part especially. Like.. when one of the State Farm people was trying to review my claim she asked me, "So.. was it your actual car that was hit by a tree?" And you know what my answer was, don't you... "Uh.. as opposed to my fake car? Yeah.. it was my actual car now can you please actually do something about it? Cuz that'd be great."

So then things finally got moving after almost a week of being told they were doing everything they could, which I'm sure was true, but was no less frustrating cuz hi.. still wasn't anything happening over here.. yeah.. me.. sorta got all complainy and firm (shocker) by Tuesday and told them if they didn't get an adjuster out that day that the next call they would get would be from my attorney (like I have one or something). And before an hour was up, I got the call. Car = totaled. Yeah, like that wasn't obvious. But I got a fair amount of money, picked that up today, and I'm just figuring out how to replace the car I lost - and NOT with another Ford so help me God. Mazda3.. here I come baby..

Til then, I'm off tomorrow in a stock Chevy rental to Oregon til after Christmas. Don't drink too much eggnog, y'all.. ok, if you do, just stay away from your drunk uncle.. Hope you all have a fabulous and safe holiday!

Hope Is Slow To Arrive, But It's On Its Way.. I Hear..

I have to admit, I think God hates Seattle.. well, lately.. and these poor people were hit worse than me.. or at least.. more thoroughly.. don't you think? Bigger trees anyway. But I'm a smaller person, I imagine.. so smaller tree.. or something like that. Whatever more suits a small, poorly-made Ford and the destruction of it.

I went by the house yesterday afternoon and had heard from my neighbors that the city light crews had started their work. Thank God, I thought.. and I was on my way there with Loren, who couldn't drive fast enough. I was so anxious and worried and thought for sure I would hear more bad news. But when I arrived, the guys were so very nice and the supervisor said we should have power today - which I will check later this afternoon if I don't hear from the neighbors first.

To my surprise - the tree had been removed from the car! I was so relieved. The nicey nice man of a supervisor guy walked me to my car personally over the power lines he assured me were off or dead or uh.. whatever the term is.. and I got my camera out and took more pictures. He even advised me to get their trucks in a few shots so I could verify it was a power line issue. Smart guy, right? Very.

Then he wanted me to move it.. and shockingly, it started - not that the tree hit the engine or anything, but you know, when your car is completely fucking destroyed, things like getting it to start are still surprising.. you know.. when the back windows are completely busted out and the back doors were hit so hard they won't even open.. things like that.

So Loren and I emptied out the car entirely after I moved it.. and that was hard. I don't know.. the car was cheap and starting to have issues.. but it was just sad to remove everything and throw it in plastic bags trying to make sure I didn't forget any little thing in the dash or console. I mean, the car is toast.. and tho she was kind of just a boring stand-by, saying goodbye to her was hard. She was the second car I'd bought and bargained for all by myself.. and I only had one more year of payments. I'd also just spent $300 fixing a wire that had broken just before Thanksgiving. Figures.

The insurance adjuster hasn't called yet at all. Today I will be hounding them. I was also offered the assistance of two lawyer friends, one who specializes in going after insurance companies just in case they try to screw me.. as undoubtedly they will. Everyone says I will get a new car.. I just don't think it'll be that easy. I'm sure I'll have to be pushy for the amount of money I'll finally receive.. and then shopping for something I can afford again - sigh.. not fun. I hate car salesman.. nothing is more tedious than trying to buy a car, in my opinion. Just cuz I detest liars.. and they don't know how to do anything else but lie. Til then, Loren has offered me his truck and another friend offered me his VW bug he doesn't use often.. and that is so incredibly generous of them both. So I have a way to get around to work and errands, but I'm still plagued with how I'm going to find a way down to Oregon to see my family for Christmas. The insurance company will only pay up to $25 a day towards renting a car and then only up to $600 max. OR they can cover 80% and up to $1000.. That is what they said. What I heard was 'Blah Blah Blah Blah'.. they might've well have been speaking a foreign language.. I don't understand the difference, but I hear that is their job - to confuse me and apparently, do as little for me as possible. You're in good hands my ass.

Now I just really feel like I need my mom. You know when you think so much has gone wrong that you revert to needing parental care? Yeah.. I've arrived at that point. Haven't felt that in ages, but Mom's been very sweet lately and I just need to hear that everything will be ok. I mean, yes it's just a car and I'm glad no one on my street was hurt and we're all very lucky.. but it's all getting to me a bit - all the complications that surround it. If I can be blunt, I have one nerve left and any alcohol ingested is simply coating it temporarily. So I think at the very least, I'll get a good Mom hug. She's never been overly sympathetic but she was understanding when I called her at 2am all stressed out and shocked to tell her the news. I know she's glad I'm safe and that has to = a good Mom hug I would think.

The other best thing is the support from my friends - some who are displaced from their homes as well and will probably not get power til early this week or even next I heard. We are all trying to be strong for each other and provide a good distraction. I know Loren has put up with my very testy attitude alone. I'm very grateful for the friends I have. I think I picked them pretty well.

Speaking of, I must get going.. Loren needs to get to the airport and then I have his truck for the week. Sorry this isn't so terribly entertaining, guys.. I'm not in my regular space - literally or figuratively - but I just wanted to get you all the latest. Hope you're all staying warm and thank you so much for all your messages of love and support!

When Murphy's Law Strikes, Better Stock Up On Wine

So last we left our heroine, Miss Devylish, she was headed for a good night's sleep despite the windy storm overhead. Tho she'd joked she might wake up in Oz or another dreamy land other than within her subconcious, she awoke to a different sight altogether- Oz had come to her, at 2am this morning, waking her as well as all the neighbors with a loud bang and in a much more twisted and disappointing way than she ever imagined.

This is her car.. er.. rather.. what's left of it:

A Quickie And A Good Blow

Get your attention? Good.. cuz I'm channeling Pixie for this one.. which hi - get your mind out of where it doesn't belong, thank you - basically just means it's short and to the point.. cuz I have no time at the moment to write.. and I WANT to... I DO! I LOVE you people! Well.. most of you.. but the rest of you understand I'm sure.. if you're reading this from jail.. I mean, no hard feelings, right?

Uh.. anyway..

I've been busy - I've been working out! Whoo hoo! That pretty much rocks.. and doing holiday type stuff, like tomorrow there will be a party with much drinking.. not that I will be doing a lot of that - mr. officer - noooo.. cuz my friend's house is a mansion, but wayyyyy out in Issaquah.. where there will be small-town roads with small-town speeds.. where one teeeeensy tiiiiiny drink will land you in the slammer! Ok, will land you with a very hefty ticket for no lighty lights on the back of your license plate, not that you can see that, but which is just an excuse to pull you over to see that your tabs are also EXPIRED.. and uh.. since you had a birthday last month, so is your DRIVER'S LICENSE! So.. NOW.. how much did you say you'd been drinking??!

Oh wait.. that was LAST year. *Ahem* Hey - in my defense, I'd forgotten my license expired on my birthday and I sorta work the same hours as the department of licensing.. ok??! Man. Give a girl a break! Wow was Ms. Officer pissed! $753 dollars worth. Don't worry.. I got it deferred in February and paid my $100 for promising never ever ever EVER.. to do that again.. for one year. At least. So I am just about golden..

Ok, where was I? Oh yeah.. being brief.. like Pixie.. which is um.. not happening. Like you're shocked..

I have another party on Saturday and recovering will be left for Sunday, possible tarot reading at some point with the Pixie and any other friend of mine who might be interested and can tolerate me reading her future off a pretty card and translating with a book that says this is what's going to happen for certain! Or maybe possibly. Well it could be next week.. or maybe never.. stuff like that. Oh c'mon.. it's fun!

Alright .. see now.. ugh.. now I should've just written a damn post with substance! A post of meaning! And um.. instead.. I think it's almost midnight and literally as I type this.. whoa.. our power went off and then on. Like DARK dark. Ooh.. it was SCARY! And then it was LIGHT! And it's actually more creepy when the lights come back on and you're just waiting here, like I am, and they're flickering.. once, ooh twice.. dammit.. a third time! Will it last?! Will Bling's alarm go off in the morning at 6:15am.. OR will it be blinking at 8am when she finally opens her sleepy but somehow rested eyes and has OMG 20 minutes to be at work?? Oh silly.. never fear.. there is always the alarm on the trusty cell phone. Ah technology.

And with that, I leave you.. completely in wonder at this nonsensical whimsy.. or just merely wondering how you could've wasted your time. Yes, I am at least good for that. Either way, I hope tonight's wind doesn't cause me to wake up in Oz tomorrow.. (tho that could be interesting) and I hope that your alarm works just fine.

Seriously.. Could There BE Too Many Links? Seriously? * Updated 12/7! *

Oh TIS the season.. is it not?! Oh.. it SO is. And in the name of said season, I've comprised a list of just a few things I think are pretty great for your shopping ease, and pleasure I might add.. that might just be things that maybe I want would be good for a few people on your list like me.

I've been looking around with this great idea of actually ordering every single Christmas present for friends and family and having it snazzily delivered right to my door - well, the door of my office - ok.. well, the entryway to my cubicle within my office and I would like to keep each and every site all to myself so you're still surprised when you get your gift, but tho most things are reasonably affordable, if I were to send you all a nice little something, seriously, it might make a more-than-serious dent to oh.. say.. living and maybe feeding Emma.. and she would seriously have an issue with that. And then she wouldn't like you.. and there would be hate mail.. and goodness that all has to be prevented, doesn't it.. So. Here I go sharing all these ideas with you and you may purchase away to all your dearheart's content! So get going!

I opened my Daily Candy this morning and found this cute little site called Wrapables.com with a wonder of things that would be perfect for pretty much everyone who likes cool stuff.. like this! Oh could I possibly love it more? Maybe, but I don't know how.. and tho it might not be so pretty, you could certainly try to wrap it up in some of these pretty type wrapping papers. How cute is the kitty one at the bottom left? Emma gives a couple of paws up. For the cold girl in your life, for the girl who might need a little extra glimmer, for the booky type girl or boy who has everything but snazzy bookends, or maybe the cute girl in need of a bit of shiny green round her neck.

And everyone needs a t-shirt, which is why I love so many of these and might buy a few for me and everyone I know..

And she was the reason I started blogging to begin with so it seems fitting she would of course have one of the cutest online stores ever ever and it's brand spankin' new so you should go there and buy many funny and adorable things.

I didn't find this site myself.. one of the Miss Doxie readers recommended it and I fell instantly in love with all the many, many creative little munchkiny items one might open up on Christmas/Solstice/Hannukah day.. (er.. well.. one of the 8 Hannukah days - oh crap, who am I kidding? I'm not Jewish, obviously..) like these for your chock-full-of-sass friend who may pack a looks-like-everyone-else's bag when she occasionally travels the globe and YOU could help her contribute to her differentyness! Yes! You could! Or one of these little numbers for the little lady in your life who's bringing the sexy back into the kitchen. *Update part* And for some others that might be a tad more frugal I found this and this at Chloe In Style, which are pretty dang cute! And even for Anthropologie, this and this were actually reasonable and stylish! Your diva in the kitchen will thank you!Ooh and THESE for this little butterfly girl I know - and you think I'm kidding.. but seriously.. she will love them! And I know it's silly, but this reminds me there is actually sun in some part of the world even if it's not here for like.. oh.. another zillion and a half months. Oh and more kitcheny stuff cuz aren't these just the cutest little salt and pepper people? And this or this would certainly make those long, boring afternoons at the office a little more Mission Impossible-y, wouldn't they? I think so!

And holy crap but The Spoon Sisters have like 83,003 things you could possibly put in a stocking or wrap up in some poorly wrapped little bit of cheap paper and no one would notice cuz LOOK, the cool thing inside! There are so many to choose from I can't even pick one out that I would like cuz it's all a bit of random love, isn't it?!

Now.. there's no holiday that goes by without giving your girlfriend a bit of pretty smelly lotion or bubbly bits for the bath and I really love the lotions from this company and the buttercream frosting smells oh-so-much like you're lathering on cake batter but uh.. feels way better than that. And the people at Hella Good obviously know women lean to sweets even for bathing in cuz these sound like a dream in a tub don't they? Ginger Ninja?? Ha! That would be me! I think I may rename my site to The Ginger Ninja.. ok. No. But still. Funny!

And I can't make a damn thing but noise, as we all know, and still I want to try the Sublime Stitching's little bit of creativeness all for myself. Cuz don't you need some cute tea towels with these, these, or these on them? You just might (The men are going.. uh.. wtf is a tea towel?)!

And I just have to say, if you haven't ordered some of Read's homemade chocolates, created by the people who bred our dear friend ammogirl, and bred her well in my opinion, ohmygod, you might actually have a head injury cuz they = the moving of your world. Seriously. The peanut butter fudge caramel wraps in milk chocolate - oh yes - might just be my favorite.. or was it the haystacks? Damn, better get both!

*Update part* For the voyeur/blog-to-book lover in your life, I found the Overheard In New York book and the PostSecret book, both reasonably priced on Amazon.com and oh-so intriguing! And if you have some smaller, yet creative and helpful humans in your life, I thought this Dr. Seuss cookbook was pretty frickin cute.

*Update continued* I also discovered some especially awesome things at Urban Outfitters and the sale page has some great little grabs like these, these, and these - that might even go well under a solstice crinoline for one special girl I can think of.. tho I love this, even if it's not exactly overly bargainy, but I feel a pounding heart just the same.

*Still on the update - yes, I can't believe I forgot this stuff* I completely forgot the music peeps, which I am one of so I don't know how I did that - probably cuz I have gotten so many new things from friends that I'm good for a while - HOWEVER, that totally leaves YOU out in the cold! How could I do that? Uh. Think almost 2am the other night.. yes, now you get it. ANYWAY my favorites and the ones I highly recommend for your friends (and maybe yourself, cuz hellooo.. you matter too!) are: the newest Snow Patrol, which I can't say enough good things about, a cute all-of-five-foot-three-force-to-be-reckoned-with, KT Tunstall, something a little different and just lovely sounds of Regina Spektor, or maybe a little electronic but still mellow and different and you may have heard her on the Garden State soundtrack, Imogen Heap, some required listening because she's just that fucking incredible, Fiona Apple, some singer/songwriter everyone-should-listen-to-him, John Mayer, or just completely indulgent cuz he's got a sexy groove, Justin Timberlake, the random and funky Ok Go, which, if you've seen their videos you KNOW how awesome they are, some just seriously groovy and happy-summery-dancey music I discovered when there was sun around here, Sergio Mendez, which is remixed samba with guest artists like the Black Eyed Peas, Erykah Badu, India Arie, and JT even, and completely different is this little British firecracker-of-explicit-lyrics rapper I saw on Letterman the other night and just couldn't help but dig her stuff, Lady Sovereign. Phew - needed a breath cuz there's still the cutester with the darling voice that I love and I'm sure they're overplaying her, but I love her just the same, Corrine Bailey Rae, the new Beck, which is pretty rad, this other sassy Brit that has quite the new kicky sound, Lily Allen, and actually, if you're looking for some holiday music that isn't the same old stuff you heard in the mall, I just got the new Sarah McLachlan, which I think is really charming.

*Update - yes, still going* I'm so copying another Doxie reader, but she linked to her gifty guide in the comments and among one of her very cool links was Mirror Me, which creates self-esteem fashion for both sexes.. If you click on their catalogue you'll see the short-sleeve baby t that I love, but I especially love the darling silver necklaces as well. Adorable and hey - there is nothing wrong with a little affirmation in the mirror every day.

*And this too* And ok.. yes, seriously, I'm tired.. but you people HAVE to see Elsewheres cuz there are just too many things like this chalkboard pendant if you want to spend a little money, but it's frickin sweet, isn't it? And I think this little bird necklace is quite the eye-catcher, no? She also linked to Toothpaste For Dinner, which apparently is a comic (?) but they make extremely funny t-shirts like this Panflute Flowchart that I think I almost spewed when I saw it and the Bad Poetry, which would be perfect for the loverboy in your life. And dammit, if she would just stop, but she can't, she had to add this t-shirt site too, which is super awesome and funny. All cheap man! Would you just look at me saving you money!!

Last, but not least, please consider something I was cornered into did a few years ago and actually, I'm really happy, in all seriousness, that I've been able to continue it. For a girl who can sometimes barely take care of herself and her cat, I'm pretty proud that I can also sponsor a child. I get pictures and the cutest little letters and drawings from this little 9-year-old boy I've never met but who mentions me in his prayers. It sounds strange, but it's really affordable (can I say that?) and tho I need another bill like a hole in the head, I wish I could sponsor another, but I just can't. But YOU might be able to! Please think about it when going over all the things to buy that honestly, you may not really need and consider this as a possible gift to yourself and maybe even humanity.

Oh.. it's late my little petals.. and I realize these ideas may be slighted to the fairer sex.. but then most of my friends are women, I'm a woman.. and sometimes women are hard to shop for and just look how much effort and time I'm saving you! Santa should really take note and make sure he drops off one of the male J. Crew models or even Orlando Bloom in my stocking for me (Jules? Put in a good word, won't you?). Yes, indeed. And these are just a few of my ideas, but if you have more, do send them my way. I'll be so ever intrigued!

Here's to hoping Santa brings you all you ask for (and more) this holiday season, my friends..

Red

What is it about Christmas time that makes people go all nutty? Is there a requirement that once you are over the age of 30 that you lose that sense of wonder?

I remember as a child joyfully singing infinite verses of Jingle Bells at the top of my lungs. When did I stop loving Christmas Carols? The Muzak version of Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer piped through invisible speakers in my office is not helping the cause.

I’m sitting in my cubicle, filing my crimson nails instead of filing the stacks of reports that I’ve been working on. My boss is locked in her office surfing the Net for that perfect holiday dress that will show just the right amount of cleavage yet is easily removable. I’m pretending I don’t know what she’s doing and she’s returning the favor.

It’s December 1. An entire week has passed since the official start to the holiday shopping season and I still haven’t set foot in a single store for that purpose. I just can’t bring myself to get into that spirit that causes usually sane people to spend obscene amounts of money on things that no one really needs.

Perhaps the funk I’m in has something to do with the fact that my boyfriend has decided that he wants to take a break for a while. Again.

Perhaps I’m realizing that this will be a permanent break this time. Perhaps I’m realizing that the odds are no longer in my favor of finding that “special someone” that the married people like to tell me about.

So long white flowing wedding gown. So long ruby bridesmaid dresses. So long bouquet of roses. I never really wanted you anyway.

If you buy that I have a desert property in Minnesota to sell you.

With a sigh I drop my nail file in the trash next to a Kit Kat wrapper. My fingers tangle in my blonde hair as I knit them behind my head. My chair creaks as I recline the office chair back as far as it will go without tipping over.

“Marriage.” The word slips from my lips without my knowledge. I envision myself in 20 years surrounded by cats and muttering to myself. The irony is lost on me.

“What?” calls Frank from the next cubicle.

“Nothing.” I feel my face flush. Great. As though he doesn’t already think I’m a few strokes short of a game.

Glancing at the clock above my desk I see that it is nearly quitting time. I will go home tonight and open a bottle of wine while the bathtub fills. I may even light a candle or two.

I can almost see the metal skimming across my wrist, the red river cascading into the water.
________________________________________

Heather is Mom to 2 children, M who is 4, and K who is 2. By the way, this piece is FICTION! She has not actually lost that Christmas spirit and has most of her shopping done already. (Ducking.) Heather has plenty of random thoughts and feels compelled to share them with strangers. Her daughter is amazed at the size of her Cool Zebras. Don’t forget to visit Miss Devylish there, keeping my place warm today.

This post is part of the December Blog Exchange. This month we're all writing pieces that are titled Red or Green. That was the only rule this month, so they could be fictional, poetry, whatever! You can find me at Heather's site today, and the full list of participants can be found by clicking here.