So Miss D in a fit of possibly insane or alcohol inspired inspiration has asked me to guest blog for a few days, and since my content and writing style is totally different to hers, I hope I don't offend all of you...90% would do.
These 10 rules for not getting a second date have been culled from a small level of personal experience and from the collective wisdom of the Blokes form the Pub, so ladies if you don't ever want him to call, and you never want to see or hear from him again I present you with a list to assure just that.
1. Arrive Late: put simply an inability to be punctual is a sign of sloppiness, it suggests lack of genuine interest, and it is disrespectful and rude. All the adjectives you would use to describe a man who is late for a date can be likewise used to describe you if you are late...it is not endearing, whoever told you that lied to you. Worse it starts the date off on the wrong note since it screams "you are not important enough for me to drop what I was doing at get ready 15mins earlier so I could be on time", it tells us from the word go "you are not really into us".
2. Order for a Rabbit: You are not a stick thin waif existing on a lettuce leaf a day (well you might be) we have invited you for dinner, so do us the courtesy of eating something...if you said you eat anything and we take you to Morton's we don't expect you to be picking at the creamed spinach (which we agree is awesome) while we are the only one enjoying the grilled bovine. You don't have to shovel it in like a trash compactor but please order something, it really will impress us.
3. Chew Your Cud: You are not a bloody cow, learn to eat with your mouth shut. I know we are talking and I know a conversation involves you opening your mouth, but the words do not flow smoothly around the aforementioned chewed bovine while you are spraying me with creamed spinach...take smaller bites, its not a race, chew your food, swallow and then answer the question...want more time to eat, ask one back...it is after all called a conversation.
4. The Ex: Yes you have one, and yes I am sure he was a total bastard for whom you pray that there is a special place reserved in Hell...but FFS, do I have to know about it, him, and that bucks night in Vegas with a stripper name Candi. I promise to not tell you about mine, yes I have one too and I bet in the bitch stakes she can give your ex a run for his money...but seriously if I wanted to know about him I would be at the nearest bar drinking with him, instead I invited you out so I could find out about you. If you still need to talk about "the prick" maybe it would be better if you and your girl-friends all sat round with a pitcher of margarita and shared "man hating" stories until you are all drunk.
5. Get Shit Faced: A healthy appreciation and even enjoyment of alcoholic beverages is a must, since if you are teetotaler what are you doing out with us at a wine/martini/whisky bar...but trust me getting a little tipsy is endearing, and you might reveal something about yourself that would be fun to know. Having to carry your arse up a flight of steps and into a cab is not.
6. Wear the Wrong Shoes: You know how women judge men on their shoes, on the condition, the matching socks, the fresh buffed and cleaned leather...you know how a woman starts at a mans feet and lets her eyes wander up his body to finally take in his face and his eyes...well a man starts at your face drops very quickly to your feet and takes a lot longer to get back to your face than you do. And remember how you were judging his shoes, he is too. And "No" those bright pink espadrilles with the rhinestones on the toe are not cute, they never were and they simply never will be.
7. Multi task: You are not the leader of the free-world or even the oppressed world, there are not men standing around wearing shades and speaking into their wrists and the guy next to us is not carrying the "football" so turn your phone off. There is no message you can possibly receive that is so important that you need to answer it while you take 2 hours to dine. If there is, explain it to us at the beginning, if your dad really is that sick and in hospital we will understand or better yet suggest we get take out and go and eat it with him. (If we don't understand then what the f*ck are you wasting your time on us for in the first place, you deserve better)
8. Total Agreance: We are not the font of all knowledge and while we know some of our well reasoned opinions and theories are in fact logical, sound and have been tested by experience, we do not want you to agree with us blindly. Feel free to call us on our bullshit because we will call you on yours...as long as you do it tactfully, nicely and are able to support your counter thoughts, we will actually respect you more. (Again, if we don't then WTF are you doing dining with a Neanderthal like us?)
9. Wandering Eyes: We fully appreciate that you do not like it when we ogle the waitress, the same goes for you and the barman...yes we agree he does have big "guns" and we are sure that lots of chemical substances helped his pecs get just that way, but they also shrunk the bits you want to see, and besides he has a six-pack...you don't! Is that the kind of pressure you crave?
10. Cleavage: This is a difficult one since the line between leer and admire is as wide as the amount you like us. But if you dressed to show off your "assets" in an effort to impress us don't get upset with us when we look. We are men and if you put them, or your legs or your bum on display with your dressing, we will silently thank you and whatever god we believe in, and then look. It took you a long time to select the perfect outfit you were going to wear, you know the effect you were going for, so don't get upset when we look.
- Henry "Indiana" Jones, The Dogs Name
8 comments:
Indiana: This is part of why, I believe, we all just heart you!
I do think that if there is any male on the planet that "gets women" - you are the closest that has come to that.
I don't think that these rules, so to speak, are too hard to live by. But they are definitely handy to know, just in case you WANT to push the poor, unsuspecting, guy away.
Miss Devylish should be pleased with your first entry here :).
Miss D will be pleased, I'm positive about that...but now I have to reach super far down into the depths of my mind and produce something as fabulously good as YOU did when I post on Friday.
Hmmm...or maybe I can log in and erase everything you wrote!
I think you forgot to mention a few tips that could help Miss D in her quest to find a man that won't run from her in a month...
1. Cling... men don't liked to be wrapped up like saran wrap. Give them space
2. The "L" word..Yes, you may feel like saying "I love you" in the first week or even the first month but if you want the guy to stick around put a lid on it. Something Miss D. has a hard time with, she meets and can't help herself. She has a huge heart. Really don't even dance around that area...Such as " I want to tell you something but I am not sure how you react..oh I will wait..you might feel strange about me saying it...you might not feel that way too." UGH, the guy knows now even if you don't say it. Again they will be gone faster than you can say NEEDY.
3. The Chase... Men liked to be chased. Its something that dates back to I don't know when but it has always been that way. Don't go on a date and sleep with them the same night and expect a "relationship" with them. Trust me, very few work out that way. Your will more likely have a few weeks to a month of good sex (hopefully) and then they are off to the next one. That is how it happens. If you are just looking for a f&*% buddy, well it doesn't matter but if you are looking for more...WAIT! He will respect you soooo much more.
Geeez, Anon. . .
Amber: I heart you too...I am not sure if I understand women, I don't think anyone ever will, least of all women, but I do think I am starting to get a good enough idea that I should be able to keep my next gf very happy.
Ammogirl: Thanks...I don't know if I am now game to post again :P
Anon: I think the "cling" is often a two-way thing these days, and as for "the chase" I have a whole post about that, but the gist is men like to chase, they like to catch, they will get bored if they catch you too early and give up as soon as they think you can't be caught. So the secret is giving enough to keep the chase going.
Popeye: I thought it was fair.
Amber I agreed with a lot of what you had to say, but I got news for you — there are a lot of men out there who have figured out what women want. LOL Only thing is they are already MARRIED.
One day my husband was teasing me and said (after nearly 10 years of marriage and a previous five-year stint living together): "You know, if something ever happened to us, I think I could actually figure out the dating thing this time."
He is lucky my confidence level in myself in our relationship has risen, otherwise I might take this sort of thing as a threat and turn into the aforementioned cling freak. Funny thing about that, I have obviously learned a thing or two over these past 14 years myself.
One last thing Indiana:
You've mentioned the shoe thing before in your own blog and, frankly, I don't know any women who look to the shoes as one of the top insights into "how good a man my date is."
My number one is confidence, not cocky, not I-know-I'm-the-best-thing-to-come-along-since-sliced-bread, but a self-asurance and a comfort in your own skin. That is the kind of thing that turns real women on. Frankly I could give a shit if your shoes are polished — clown shoes however would make me rethink my whole philosophy. ; )
indy: Awesome post - as I knew you would make me proud. I certainly am late - for dates w/ men as well w/ friends and that is something I've been working on all fucking year. Not doing all that well at it, but in the case I've been late for dates, I've done my best to be genuine and I certainly buy the first round of drinks. Maybe it doesn't make up for the lateness, which is inexcusable, I'll admit, but I do try.
amber: I think these rules apply to everyone overall, both sexes, but I would agree - we all heart Indy for sure. :)
treens: I'm getting ready to read your entry now. I heard it didn't suck.
anonymous 1: Guessing you know me somewhat.. but if you 'know' me, you should leave your name when listing my issues all over my blog. I know my issues and I have lots to work on. I'm doing the best I can and if you know a guy I've a) clinged to, b) fallen in love with or c) chased, I would like to know because trust me that the pickings have been uber slim in the last 6 months. I will admit to those faults in my past, but honey, unless you know something I don't, it's not happened this year at all. The only thing I will agree w/ you on is that I do have a big heart and I'm not afraid to use it. If someone runs from that, that is more their issue than mine and I stand by that, literally, wholeheartedly.
indy: I didn't think it was all that fair actually, but it was about me, so I'm a tad biased. ;)
anonymous 2: I agree w/ you on the shoe thing. I never notice in regards to 'size' anyway.. only for how much effort they put into dressing for the date, depending on where we're going/what we're doing. Clown shoes, however, would be altogether different. ;)
friendwhocares: I'm deleting your comment because this is not the place for something like this and clearly you are not respecting my feelings by voicing your 'concerns' for me publicly. If you were my friend, you would be able to tell me this in person or you'd have my number to call me. It's not like this hasn't been relayed to me before and besides that, you've avoided the questions I asked - this is not something that's even happened this year and honey, I love myself plenty. As I said, I have a lot to work on and if you were a good friend of mine, you would see that. As it is, I know you aren't so please stop pretending to know me. If you knew me, you would be brave enough to take this offline and talk to me. You would know you would be rec'd w/ appreciation. What you're doing is hurtful and not at all friendly. Please stop.
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