Lost & Found

When I was about six or seven, my parents told me I was adopted. For a while, when I would meet new friends, I told this story with a matter-of-fact sort of distance. I remember saying, '.. and those people adopted me,' like they were kind strangers I toddled right up to and noticing I had no actual parents and I was brand new to the world, it was a logical decision to take me in. In fact, being nothing like that, of course it was a loving decision and they very much wanted me. But knowing that much also means that someone else did not.

Enter in: Abandonment complex.

However subconscious that is, it's there. Possibly heightened by those parents who loved me so much, but didn't know how to always show it correctly because they were so messed up themselves and thus all my failure buttons were created. My demons in a nutshell: Do something right and people stick around. Fail for whatever reason - mostly, by being yourself - and they don't - but it was because you're stupid, an airhead, or worthless anyway. Translate that to keeping friends or lovers and they can disappear because they have no obligation to stay like my parents. So when I say I want to make a t-shirt that says, "Without me, it'd just be 'aweso' ", sure, I seem to have a healthy ego, but I think sometimes I toot that horn that loudly because I have to make sure I hear it myself.

So the dating. Yeah.. it was going ok. I mean, I'm doing it. Usually first dates only. I don't know how many of you darling four readers are single, if any of you, but I've honed some skills - one being to know if I'm drawn to someone in the first few minutes. Some I'd even say seconds.. it's really quick. These are online sorts of things of course where there's no time to build up anything remotely friendly before you're sharing a table, a couple of drinks and small talk. I'd known The Boy for two months and worked along side him in his theatre before my first meeting with him as part of the company where we both noticed a real spark we thought could become more. But it's not impossible to have a lasting connection with someone brand new right away - it just doesn't happen that often.

But, when it does..? I might get excited about it. I might be sort of girly about it, giggly even when it goes so well I don't want to leave.. or when he wants to make me dinner the next night.. or we kiss after what I thought was a near perfect evening and it was more than awesome. And I might be inclined to check in a couple of days later and say 'hey, how are things,' all breezy of course - because apparently, breezy is part of the game. And tho he responded only to answer the question - I should've read that as.. hm.. he didn't ask how I was, he didn't ask to see me again and despite the 20 minute make out that was fantastic, thank you very much, too bad - done and done. But do I think that? Duh.. no. I think it's fine. He asked me out, he made dinner so I might've gone ahead and asked if there was any room in his schedule to hang next week. And when there was no answer to that question for TWO DAYS, I might've completely over-thought it, texted him again and said I must've misread his interest, was glad to have met, thanks for having me over, hope he was enjoying the sunny day - and according to everyone, EXCEPT my best gay boyfriend EVER, Loren, who I know now always has my back (seriously, if you don't have a best gay boyfriend.. dear God.. get one), that's when I crossed the line into Crazytown.

1. I don't think it was crazy.

2. Crazy is a really rash term.. hello.. NOT crazy over here. And it's just kind of mean.

3. Online Boy and I share the same birthday and are similar people (and by that I DON'T mean THE SAME or that he MUST be my soulmate for chrissakes) but he tells it like it is, like I do.. so yeah, it surprised me when instead of being direct and saying, 'Hey, had a nice time, didn't feel a connection (despite said makeout - whatever), but thanks,' or something to that effect, he is Completely. Silent. And heretofore: a jackass.

4. Why am I still shocked men do this shit?

5. Seriously - I'm not fucking crazy.

6. I'm actually a great person to date and I rock as a girlfriend.

7. So there.

8. I liked the jackass.

Ugh.

Tho I had his answer when he didn't get back to me in the first place, I stand by the fact that I was only communicating and there's nothing wrong with that. I might've done it in the wrong way, but communication is something that makes you an adult. This isn't the movie Swingers, people. Who the fuck is waiting for six days to call their 'babies'? If they are, they're not worth you're time because THAT'S STUPID. I'm not saying stalk people, but don't blow a girl off. That's just rude.

Am I impatient? Sure.. I liked him. We had great conversation, we're both in theatre, we knew some of the same people and I thought there was a spark for sure. But here's where my demon steps in and I start thinking I said or did something wrong, I showed my hand too soon, it was too obvious I liked him.. Pffft - whatever. I'm sorry - I never read The Rules. I don't know how to pretend I don't like someone when I do. And truly, if he liked me at all, it wouldn't have mattered what I said and he would've responded because all of this dating stuff makes everyone nervous - we're human. It's hard to be vulnerable. Cut a girl some slack, ok? Fuck.

I know, I know.. I'm 42 cats shy of being Bitter Old Cat Lady. Fine.

Next built-in, self-fulling, I-could-screw-this-up prophecy story:

Around the holidays, a tv show called Find My Family began that reuinted lost family members, adoptees, etc. From the creators of Extreme Home Make-Over, it was sure to be another exploitive primetime tear-jerker. But, having been looking for my birth mother for close to 10 years now, the possibilities were intriguing. The network did all the research and the approaching to see if the lost wanted to be found, reunions were set up and many tears were had. I had no desire to be on tv. I just wanted to find her. I even went as far to fill out the application - and I think I have a pretty compelling situation surrounding my adoption that would make it a good story - but I never got around to sending it in and the show seems to be off the air now.

This week there was another show starring celebrities this time that traces back their genealogy and it made me think, like I often have, that I can't do that. My brother traced back my adoptive family, but it's not my story. His roots are German, Irish and Scottish. I was jealous when he did that because it's not something I can do. He knows his story, he knows where he gets his ability to draw (Mom) and his temper and tone-deaf ear (Dad). He's the spitting image of Dad and he even has his voice. I know not all blood-related families share heaps of similarities, but the only resemblances to my family I came away with are behavioral - and as discussed - rather dysfunctional.

I got online and googled Find My Family again. I don't know why really - but I found a registry unrelated to the show, registered with the info I had and a couple of hours later, the woman who runs the site emailed me saying she found a marriage certificate that seemed to match who I was looking for. I've written her three times now (yes, yes, we know I'm an over-communicator, that's been established, thank you) asking questions with no response from her, so I contacted J for her opinion.

J found me some years ago thanks to another online adoption registry while she was also looking for my birth mother. They were friends in college and the fact she knew I was Carmen's daughter literally took my breath away. Intermittently, both of us have put in effort here and there to get more detail, but we found nothing terribly conclusive. And tho we've probably been connected for a few years now, we'd never actually spoken on the phone until yesterday. She sounds like I thought she would - warm and kind and most importantly, supportive of this need of mine to find her. And now with this new marriage record, we had a real lead.

We spent over an hour on the phone, hitting the internet from each side til we thought not only could we support the record I received might be the right person, the right age, the right details, but that she actually lives in Portland, Oregon - just three hours away - with her husband (who's 10 years younger by the way - hellooo - sound like anyone you know?!). And, one of the best things ever - they had a daughter in 1976, which means I could have a sister. And there in black and white was her phone number clearly listed as well.

I told Mom today who agrees with J that I should just call. And here's where I'm erring on the side of caution for once. I think J should call. She can soften the blow of I'M YOUR DAUGHTER by distracting her with long lost friend news and then a casual, oh hey, while trying to find you, I found someone else first who really wants to meet you.. and then I can drop the I'M YOUR DAUGHTER bomb because then she'll have decided, yes, she does want to meet me after digesting the idea. I think this is a good plan. J's argument is that it's time. Surprisingly simple, right? I'm not sure if that sounds more like the thru line in a sappy tv show or what, but she says it so calmly, I kind of want to believe that's enough to think this could work. Yes, I can make the call and we'll all have a happy reunion and go out to brunch or something.. and then I wake up and realize, this isn't tv and people have a tendency of freaking the fuck out when you deliver CRAZY news like, hello, I'm the daughter you gave up for adoption 38 years ago.. how are you? Yeah.. seems a little rash to me.. but what do I know?

If you can't tell, and I'm sure you can, I'm sort of freaking out. This is a big deal. It's freakin huge, ok? And people don't get it, which is a bummer. I just can't explain it to them because they know what it's like to have a family connection. I mean, don't get me wrong - I love my family and all our flaws. Mom will always ALWAYS be my mom. But my birth mom is MY story and I want to discover her. She holds keys to my identity that I don't have. It won't change who I am.. not inherently. I know who I am with or without her - but will it change everything if she's willing to open her life to me? Absolutely. How could it not?

And there's the possibility.. well.. that she could also say no. And here I am again, getting excited, but trying not to get my hopes up.. because it matters if she picks up or doesn't return my call. This isn't a guy not worth the price of the lipgloss I put on.. this could be my mother. There's only one of her. And that changes the whole game.