Living Proof

I've had a couple of weeks now to absorb the idea that she does exist, my birth mother. She's very much alive, has always thought of me, prayed for me, and hoped that I'd been given a good life since she gave me up for adoption. It's a nice feeling - seeing her face, her smile, her eyes.. all of which resemble the face I've seen in the mirror for 38 years. She's been able to see that in her other children but I've never known that feeling and I'm not sure I even have words yet to express that sense of satisfaction. I knew I'd look just like her. I just knew.

I drove down to my grandmother's house that week, near the end of March, and met both her and my mother there. It was all very every day, like they see me all the time even tho they don't. The only thing that was odd was when I mentioned needing to get some lunch since they'd already eaten, Mom handed me $20 without even thinking. She knows I'm unemployed but I sort of felt 17 again and she was just being a mom. It just made me wonder, in a matter of hours, how my birth mother would welcome me.. not that I expected her to give me money.. that would just be weird, but would I feel the connection of mother to child at all or would she just be a complete stranger I was meeting for the first time?

I headed to Mama C's house for dinner that afternoon. She lives in a quiet neighborhood in a pretty suburb of Portland and I stopped at the top of her street because I honestly couldn't breathe. My heart was beating outside my chest and I needed an extra boost to make it the rest of the way so I called my friend, Anthony, who reminded me this is what I've been dreaming about for the last 10 years and there was nothing to be scared of. I could totally do it. Right. Yes. Gasp.. gasp. Ooook.

I'm not sure what kind of casual you're supposed to be when meeting the woman who gave birth to you a lifetime of years ago whom you've never met.. but I was trying to embody that when I pulled up to her house. Heyyy.. yeah.. I'm totally cool. Not having ANY issues NOT breathing AT ALL! Nope! Not even! Whoooo..

I walked up to the house, a lovely colonial, and the door sort of just opened before I could knock and there she was. She'd just had hip surgery and was using a walker, but immediately I was looking into eyes that were exactly like mine. That's the first thing I noticed.. and that basically, I was looking into my own face about 30 years from now. I. Can't. Even. Begin.. explaining the feeling that gave me.. like I could almost feel the missing piece of me being filled. And then we both tried to have a normal chat between two women who've never met before that moment and catch up years of lost time. Mostly, we just sat there trying not to stare at the other in amazement even tho that's exactly what we were doing.

How does one take this all in? She asked so many questions and because I was simply overwhelmed and she seemed so much calmer in her own setting, I talked about myself because that's easy. 'No, not married, no children.. I had this awful year.. um..' and she handed me a tissue because suddenly I was crying out of no where relaying the Cliff's notes from then to now - loss of a lover, a stepfather, a broken mother, loss of stable employment - and I was realizing I came with nothing. I mean, you lose so much you just feel like a loser. And there I was with nothing to offer the woman who decided to carry me for nine months and unselfishly let me go to another family who could provide for me when she couldn't.

They had pictures of their family and friends all over the house. She showed me my four half-brothers and sisters and I could see the resemblances between us. I just nodded and kept thinking, finally, I see it. I saw pictures of their children and then my biological grandparents who are no longer living. My grandmother looks happy and spry in all her pictures including one for her graduation when she went back to school to finish her degree. Her dress was appropriate for her grandmotherly age, but hot pink and she wore matching heels. In that picture she looks like she'd be the last one to leave the dance floor. I can definitely see where I get my spirit from. It was unbelievably cool.

I also saw pictures of Mama C as a nun and then after beginning her life with her husband, Charlie. She was always smiley and bubbly and is wearing the cutest a-line dresses I was coveting. She told me about her sisters as well. Helen, the youngest, committed suicide some years ago and was bi-polar and the oldest, Josephine, is alive but suffering from a degenerative muscle disorder. Both situations made me sad for her. All their pictures as young women are so pretty, but Helen sort of reminded me of Raquel Welch when she was younger - that type of wow pretty with no effort. I loved seeing everyone - my mother, her sisters, my grandmother - living their lives.. even in just black and white or 1975 tinted color.. I just wanted to keep them all in my memory.

She told me none of her children were ever told about me til the day before I arrived and my sister and brother who live in Portland were still digesting the news. The other two live in Virginia and she's figuring out how to tell them since that might be better conveyed in person. I can understand how it would be quite a shock to be told you're not the oldest or first child anymore.. and she says now they're absorbing it well, but I haven't met them yet. Baby steps..

Mama C gave me the best piece of information when we talked on the phone the day before: my ethnicity. I've been asked a zillion times and could never answer the question. I romanticized it and thought Mexican and Irish, Portuguese or Spanish something or other and wholesome Cracker.. ? But I know now. My grandfather was Mexican and my grandmother was Mexican and French. My father, she remembered, was Jewish and tho I don't think it adds up to a whole, it equals something to the effect of slightly more than a third Mexican, possibly half Jewish, and an eighth French. That equals ALL kinds of awesome, doesn't it? I was never good at math, but just knowing the combination makes me feel like a pretty fantastic collection of people.

The story of my conceptioin is the tough part to explain because it wasn't a happy situation for her. She'd given up her vows as a nun about a year and a half prior, she'd previously been fairly sheltered, and she was a young Catholic woman in the world trying to make something of herself. At 30 she looked much younger and it's possible too she was just naive having come from her previous world. Either way, she went out with my father once, never saw him again, and realized she probably should've known him a bit better. She's embarrassed by the details I'm leaving out so that's the most I can really say, which is still probably too much.. but I was right when I guessed she didn't tell him so he never knew about me. She doesn't even remember his name and I think that's the best thing for her. She feels blessed that something good came out of it and I'm ok leaving it at that for both of us. With no information about him, my father would be impossible to find and besides that, I always felt she had all the answers I was seeking.

We went back and forth with stories and questions, sometimes interrupting to find out random bits - if I liked British mysteries - she does, I've no opinion really; if she sings - I do, she does, but I don't think as often or like I'd strived to do in theater and bands, but she's musical - likes jazz piano, which she's learning. I used to take piano when I was a kid. She reads, writes, likes the arts, history, has at least one or two more volumes of the complete works of Shakespeare than I do (I have three), and she became completely annoyed when the Gypsy Kings came on the cd player. I tried not to laugh but I thought the same thing - they have their place, but at that moment, it was just noise. She had me turn it off. Later, at dinner, her husband was just bringing the last item and she put her hand on mine and said, 'I think I'm a little OCD,' and I replied in shock, 'No.. I say that ALL the time! What makes you say that?' And she looked towards the cupboard where Charlie had left one open and she said, 'He'll do that, leave the cupboard door open and it drives me crazy,' and she firmly told him to make sure he shut it and he even more firmly told her to let it go in response. Ahem. 'Sometimes I risk it,' she whispered coyly after that and I giggled because I do the exact same thing. Press people. Since she was laid up and unable to move much, her daughter was coming over the next day to help her clean the house the way she likes it and again, I knew exactly what she meant. Clearly I'm not the only woman cut from that Cloth of Crazy.. and by crazy of course you know I mean we just require the people who love us to be very, very patient.. even tho we don't know the meaning of the word ourselves. What?

Charlie, besides being 10 years younger, did all the fussing about dinner and dessert. It was very sweet and he was just as welcoming with me. I could tell he was very protective of her especially in her condition of being unable to get around much. He left us alone the majority of the time to talk and joined us briefly when the subject of religion came up. It's something they're both deeply passionate about and it's elemental in their lives. It's one thing we don't have in common, but I've always felt on the fence about it and drawn to issues of God and the devil, heaven and hell, and I've decided for myself what exists for me and what doesn't. She was understanding where I was with my own spirituality even tho her faith is very cemented and the beliefs surrounding that as well. For example, they don't agree homosexuality is God's plan for people, but they know they're in the minority these days. I don't think she approves of people living together before marriage, but again, she realizes it's what people do. I don't think her own children grow up that way because they all mostly follow along the same religious path and she tells me they're all successful and happy. And then there's a moment when I think she thinks the most obvious loss to her, the lack of God in my life, has lead to my sense of feeling lost altogether. She never said that.. it was just a look.. and we both let it go.

When it was time to leave, I remembered I needed a picture. The woman, I kid you not, BOLTED, for her lipstick and said she had to get it. Her husband started to protest and I just shook my head and said, 'No, really, it's fine.. I completely understand,' having done that oh, a thousand times myself before a picture. We may look younger than our years, but we are a tad vain. It's so funny what turns out to be inherited behaviors..

I went back the next morning before I had lunch with my family just to chat a bit more and talk about the possibilities. We'd both really let it settle in, this idea of starting a slow relationship of getting to know one another. She said she was overwhelmed and emotional about it, but she seemed pretty calm and collected. I'm not often that way when I'm emotional so there are certainly bits I wonder about getting from my father or maybe more my grandmother.. but it was good to be back there again, even if only for a short visit.

We traded emails and numbers and I recommended a book she should read, The History Of Love. I told her I'd send her the link. My other favorite, David Sedaris, is probably not her style.. in the slightest.. so I thought this was one she could share with me for it's endlessly gorgeous writing and she'd like the mystery that unravels til the twist is revealed at the end. It's seriously the most beautiful book I've ever read.

We hugged. She blessed me (not kidding). There was lots of looking into the big eyes we share and trying not to cry, but just feeling the happy of that moment. Knowing the search is over. It's huge. She's in my life.. where I always hoped she'd be. It's such an incredible gift.

So.. that's that. We're staying in touch and so far, so good. I'm looking forward to the possibilities.

I actually just sent her that book tonight. I really hope she likes it.

Falling Off The Wagon

So my lovelies.. this won't be a long post. I just wanted to update you quickly that things have gone by the wayside as it were - keeping up with my favorite bloggers, my writing of my own blog, hell, getting to the gym this last week or so has been impossible with the meeting of the bio mom, Passover fun and this really annoying house guest of a head cold that hit me last Thursday and is still clinging on for free rent today. I think it's on its way out tho, if I have anything to say about it that is..

BUT - don't give up hope! At least not where the blogging is concerned. Finding me a job? Well, that's another craptastic story because I still don't have one and lately, it's getting more and more discouraging that you can't even wash dishes without sending in a resumé that you have experience doing so. Pffft..

I'm just trying to get everything done around here. I might've mentioned I'm currently stage managing a show and we go into our last weekend coming up but they begged me to stage manage the next one as well after the current SM had to step into a part unexpectedly due to one of the actors getting seriously hurt when part of a downtown building fell on him and two other people last Friday. He was hit on the head as the news article says.. but they missed the rest which included 16 (SIXTEEN, people!) other broken bones and is still in the hospital. Miraculously, he won't need surgery and is going to be fine. I'd say the building owner won't be so lucky. Buildings are NOT supposed to just FALL DOWN ON PEOPLE. No. No they are not.

So as I sit here trying to type something quick, I'm neglecting revising my resumé for a server position and things like personal hygiene. I mean, a shower today would be a good idea I think and then I'm headed to the neighbor's house to do some light cleaning and take her demon dog to the park even tho I still feel a bit like death warmed over, but at least I can breathe thru my nose now. Stupid cold.

There's lots to talk about.. new boys, the mom saga, an idea in the making.. and things are looking up.. mostly. The only problem is the unemployment that's getting close to being oh-so scary because I don't have the funds for this to go on much longer even tho I'm appealing the benefits denial. Everything of that nature seems to be that uphill battle scenario and thinking positively is difficult. I'm doing what I can tho and keeping everything crossed, sending word out to the universe and hoping the right thing is almost here. I'm sure a few more good thoughts sent my way wouldn't hurt if you have any extra to spare.

More soon, kittens..

This Is It!

She called. It's really her..

She's as happy and overwhelmed as I am.

I'm driving down to Portland to see her tomorrow night.

I don't have any waterproof mascara.. damn.

More to come my pretties. This is truly a monumental occasion. As soon as I'm able to find words after my first meeting with her, you'll all hear the story.

Thanks everyone for your kind words of support. You helped give me the courage to go thru with this and this is.. everything..

Mwah!

Music Share: Win!

So I'm on this iTunes sharing kick.. and wow.. this is going to be challenging because already at the b's, I have a lot of favorites. So I'll just get going (I'm leaving out the album because hi, y'all have the interweb and your search engines aren't broken..)..

B's

Baby I Love You - Aretha Franklin: Because hi. The woman can sing. Duh. This is a classic.

Baby, It's Cold Outside - I personally love Dean Martin's voice, but my favorite version is from the movie, Elf, because Zooey Deschanel's voice is so dreamy.. I fully covet it. It's my favorite holiday song.

Baby's Got Sauce - G. Love & Special Sauce: This song always makes me think of second boyfriend in Seattle, Anthony - now not so much into monogamy, but I got him well before that. Never had Movie Love before I met him. We still sing this song to each other and smile.

Back Together - Citizen Cope: You'd think I listened to a lot of this guy, but I really don't. Til I alphabetized, I didn't realize I dug so much of his music. The beginning of this sounds straight out of something by Love & Rockets. Yeah, um.. you young'ns won't know who they are..

Backbone - The Tremens: When I met my friend Fatima, I met her rockstar boyfriend at the time and I started dating his drummer, Curtis. Curtis and I were short-lived, but I still have fond memories. He was in this band prior to Fatima's boyfriend's band, Dorkweed, and this was their only cd, Lipsicate. Fuckin great song. It's not on iTunes, so if you want to hear lyrics as great as 'It's in your backbone, I'm singing sha la la, puttin' butter on your scone', email me and I'll send you a copy. You won't be sorry.

Backfire - Aimee Mann: Anthony and I were really into her a few years ago and I still think Bachelor #2 is one of her best cd's. This is just a catchy little thing. She's also married to Michael Penn, brother to Chris and Sean Penn, and who I saw in a small club in Portland in high school and who still is awesome in his own right. So.

Bad Romance - Lady Gaga: Ok, sure, this is just guilty pleasure pop, but the woman not only can play piano gorgeously, but her voice is kick ass.

Baker Baker - Tori Amos: One of the most touching and lovely songs she ever sang I think.

Banana Pancakes - Jack Johnson: I love me some sexy man voice and a guitar. Nothin. Hotter. Plus? He's just singing to his love a happy song about pancakes. Hello?! Awesome.

Bathwater - No Doubt: Ah the days before Gwen was solo. She rocks now, but she always did.

Battle of Who Could Care Less - Ben Folds Five: Saw them open for Counting Crows. Let's just say they were much better than the headliners. He took off his belt and played the piano with it. And even the name is a crack up. They were only three guys. Way to buck the norm, Ben.

Be The One - The Ting Tings: Just fun. They got me thru last summer, in a loud way.

Beautiful Dirty Rich - Lady Gaga: I know, I know. Another. Pfft. You try not to like her.

Because - The Beatles: Just love the fullness and harmonies.

Because I Told You So - Jonatha Brooke: The version from her Live album is much more raw but she's by far one of my favorite singer/songwriters. Her voice is like butter and I'm so jealous of how she writes music. This song is bittersweet and embodies so many endings of my relationships.

Behind The Wheel - Depeche Mode: A classic and I was at this concert too.. also probably in high school. God love Dave Gahan and all his angsty gorgeousness.

Belief - John Mayer: This boy needs a PR rep like nobody's business so he stops putting his foot in his mouth, but before that and still really, he can play guitar like.. damn. I love the second verse.

Belle - Jack Johnson: Less than two minutes, few lyrics, and I'm instantly in Paris as soon as it begins.. ahh.

Beta Boy - Misstress Barbara: Just kick ass electronic. Plus, this woman doesn't mess around. I saw her spin years ago at an enormous rave a friend threw. MB demanded a few things including a room at the W Hotel, 12 bottles of her favorite beer on ice, and four hours to spin. She wasn't getting four hours regardless, only two, but her set? Fucking phenomenal.

Better After All - Jonatha Brooke: Might be bordering on that AC (adult contemporary) label, but there's just something about her I love.

Better Together - Jack Johnson: Weird.. there sure are a lot of B songs by J named people here. This is in the same vein as Banana Pancakes for me.. sweet, lovely, and I want someone with a sexy voice and a guitar to write and sing me a song like this.

Better Version Of Me - Fiona Apple: Love her, love her voice, love everything she does. I have no idea what she's singing about thru most of the song, but it ends with the title and it's sometimes my motto for the day.. Here's coming a better version of me..

Between Sheets - Imogen Heap: I love the way she sings 'absolute bliss'.. and I want some.

Between The Bars - Elliott Smith: More Good Will Hunting. He put out some good stuff then.

Between The Lines - Sarah Bareilles: She has an honest voice I gravitate to, plus she plays piano beautifully.. This one is simple, a little pop, but touching.

Big Lie, Small World - Sting: My friend Sharon and I have an obsession with this man. This song could border on boring, but try to count it.. it's not in 4/4 time.. he does that a lot and I have no clue how. Plus the lyrics are all about a break up letter and this whole comic adventure trying to get it back.

Big Time - Peter Gabriel: He's just kind of a genius. And this video was amazing at the time.

Bizarre Love Triangle - New Order: God love the 80's, I mean, I don't know if the song itself is happy, but hearing it always makes me feel that way. Love the lyrics, love the feel, and it never gets old.

Black Celebration - Depeche Mode: Ahh.. a classic.

Black Horse & The Cherry Tree - KT Tunstall: This song was her big break out. Still one of her best tho not sure what the hell she's singing about, but saw her play it live, she looped all the backgrounds on her the thing she calls the wee bastard and her voice fuckin rocks.

Blackbird - The Beatles: I like Sarah McLachlan's version because it's terribly lovely and slower than the original, which I think it needed.

Bleu - Mark Farina: One of my favorite dj's. Nerdy as all get out, but he knows what he's doing.

The Blower's Daughter - Damien Rice: Always a haunting type of guy, but this song made even more so used at the end of the movie Closer for some reason.. I love the strings in it.

Blue Monday - New Order: My other favorite of theirs.. So so high school. In a good way.

Blue Skies - Landon Pigg: Wrote Falling In Love At A Coffee Shop. I'm a sucker for boys who write girly lyrics and sound all broken about it.. sort of like Joshua Radin.

Bombo - Orishas: Spanish and sometimes French hip-hop.. love it.

Bottle It Up - Sarah Bareilles: A little more poppy and radio-friendly, but whatever. I like her.

Breakable - Ingrid Michaelson: Her voice is perfect and I've missed listening to her for oh, eight months or so because The Boy introduced me to her music.. but she's lovely and girly. Love her.

Breathe (2am) - Anna Nalick: Completely over-played, but still her best song.

Breathe - Telepopmusik: Probably one of my favorite songs of all time. I relax every nerve in my body when I hear it and I've really needed that lately.

Breathe In - Frou Frou: Who Imogen Heap was before she was solo I assume. Groovy.

Breathe Me (Mylo Remix) - Sia: Don't have anything else by her, but I love this version of this song.

Brighter Than Sunshine - Aqualung: Seriously one of the most perfect love songs ever.

Brown Derby Jump - Cherry Poppin' Daddies: Anthony and I cut quite a rug when swing was popular. Saw them in college and they were a good and sexy dirty too. Didn't know how to swing dance then, but, I went not too long ago and couldn't remember a damn thing.

Bubbly - Colbie Caillat: Sickeningly sweet, sure.. but when I'm in love, it's fuckin adorable, ok? Pffft.. you don't know.

Bulletproof - Rilo Kiley: Random and cute.

Burrito - Pete Yorn: He opened for the Foo Fighters once and he's awesome in his own right but still sort of obscure-ish. Not sure why. Any song combining burritos and love should rock.

Bury My Heart At Wounded Knee - Indigo Girls: A political statement, one of many they're known for making, but I love my lesbian folk rock chics.

Buster Voodoo - Rodrigo y Gabriela: If you don't know who they are, find out. Just guitar and kick ass at that. The cd never does them justice because live, they're fucking phenomenal. Look them up on youtube and find out yourself. Trust me.

But Not Tonight - Depeche Mode: So 80's, but probably one of my favorite songs of theirs. Always makes me happy.

Butterflies & Hurricanes - Muse: If I could marry a voice, this man's is one I'd choose. He kills.. Plus the level of music they create is crazy genius. Listen to the classical piano solo mid-song. Makes you go 'Wtf?' but also, 'Do it again!'

Ok. Bed. Now. Zzz.

Set Backs Could Stop.. Anytime Now.. Thanks

There's a bunch of positive energy going around and you'd think karma might kick in and I'm still holding out hope it will.. but as it always goes, sometimes there's just another shoe waiting to drop or someone else waiting to kick you down as you try to get up. So on the same day I reached someone at the house of the woman who might be my birth mother (not her), I also got the letter from Employment Security saying they backed my former employer and are denying my unemployment benefits.

One step forward.. knocked two back.

Sigh. I need a job.

I may hear next week regarding one that I have to admit I'm holding my breath for.. The timing would be great and I think it's a position that's not only in the field in which I have experience, but one I could really sink my teeth into. I let them know I reached this epiphany without saying exactly why, but they've also worked with me in the past being a vendor of my last employer so they know how I fight for my clients and this could be an advantage to them. I'm really crossing everything possible and whatever god is out there, collective energy of souls.. I hope they hear my prayers.

So this morning was gorgeous, in the upper 50's and headed to mid-60's they say. I had my coffee, was awake enough and thought.. ok, let's do this. I dialed Carmen's number again. This time her husband answered and I almost couldn't breathe. It was an awkward conversation trying not to give away too much and also not seem predatory. She just returned home from the hospital last night after undergoing surgery. He said she was resting and asked if it could wait a couple of weeks, asked if I was an old friend from school and I said, "Um.. no, not from school, she doesn't know me.. I'm more.. a relative. But I've been looking for her for a while so I can wait a while longer to make sure she's the right person, no problem.." He sounded a little less guarded knowing I wasn't a collector or telemarketer maybe, but he was protective. I was so close.. but I'll call again next Saturday. I'm not giving up now.

************************

To distract myself - and possibly you, my dear readers, I've taken the iTunes off of shuffle as someone else's idea made me reorganize alphabetically by song. Ingenious, I thought, and I'm making myself go thru the whole thing til I've hit the end. I'm only into the B's and I've been listening for a couple of weeks. I have to say, I have a great collection I'm happy with and thought sporadically, I'd share the best with you. Keep in mind I like a variety of things - pop, dance/techno from my raver days, really good damn rock, 80's from growing up because.. helloo.. I'm old, people, some things you might call adult contemporary a.k.a slow, mellow, borrrring to some maybe but whatever, and singer/songwriter types some of which are good for chilly Sunday nights or broken hearts or pms days with a pint of Haagen-Dazs. I also like things that sound different, am a musical theater soundtrack whore and have some classical mixed in.. so if you care, search them all up and take a listen. I know I'm such a trendsetter that you'd all follow me in a heartbeat (Ha! As if! Hi last person EVER to get a dvd player/cell phone/rollerblades and see Avatar), but don't blame me if you spend a zillion dollars downloading from iTunes and I'm too quirky or lame for your personal taste. I won't be offended. Seriously. My gift to you.

A's

Again Again - Lady Gaga/The Fame - She seriously has an amazing voice here.

Aha! - Imogen Heap/Ellipse - I love the sound of this one.

Ain't No Sunshine When She's Gone - Bill Withers/Greatest Hits - My ex, Ali, put this on his voicemail when we dated years ago so when I would call, I would hear it and know he was thinking of me. God love that man.

All Dressed Up - Citizen Cope/Every Waking Moment - Just feels good.

All My Life - Foo Fighters/One By One - Just a great rock song and one of the best concerts I've ever seen in my life. Dave Grohl is just hot in my opinion.

All These Things That I've Done - The Killers/Hot Fuss - Any song with a choir in the background should royally kick ass and this one does.

All My Loving - The Beatles (tho the version I have is from the movie, Across The Universe sung by Jim Sturgess, but we'll just say the original is damn catchy.

All You Need Is Love - The Beatles - This truly is a timeless song for me..

Angel - Jack Johnson/Sleep Through The Static - I put this on a cd for The Boy - it doesn't hurt as much anymore.. and he wondered why he didn't find it for me, but it's still a perfect song.

Angel On My Shoulder - Kaskade/Strobelight Seduction - Love most everything Kaskade spins. The gays of our lives and I saw him live not too long ago and danced our asses off.

Angel's Heap - The Finn Brothers/Finn - I love Neil Finn, formerly of Crowded House, a lot. He writes amazing lyrics. His brother, Tim, sang with him on this album, who also doesn't suck.

Angeles - Elliott Smith/Good Will Hunting Soundtrack - Just another good one.

Anything I'm Not - Lenka/Lenka - This girl is just cute all over. I like the way she writes.

Apres Moi - Regina Spektor/Begin To Hope - This song makes me think of big Russians for some reason.. but I love it. Totally different.

Ashes - KT Tunstall/KT Tunstalls' Acoustic Extravaganza - Almost country, not quite, but I love the cussing in this one.

Astair - Matt Costa/Songs We Sing - Discovered him while dating The Boy and he's addicting.

Atlantic - Keane/Under The Iron Sea - I liked the album before this, but didn't love them til this one. Just find this one moving.

Au Pays De Gandhi - MC Solaar/Mach 6 - French rapping. What else could you possibly want?

Australia - The Shins/Wincing The Night Away - The very beginning you can barely hear they say 'Time to put the earphones on' in this very almost bossy German voice and this teeny tiny little girl's voice says emphatically, 'NO!' It's just awesome.

Awe - Citizen Cope/Every Waking Moment - This guy just kinda grooves. I love it. And there's horns in it.

Ok - off to the gym to work out this strange day. Love to you, kittens!

Questions.. For Someone.. People Maybe..

I called.

Mom, Gram, all y'all told me to. So I did. Two days ago. In the middle of the afternoon. She should be 69 so.. why wasn't she home? Lunch special at Sizzler? Wtf? And um.. she didn't call back. So my guess is.. she won't? Yeah.. something like that.

What makes her different from the last lame guy?

Well.. besides the obvious.. yes, but.. still..

These might be the thoughts I've had since the moment I hung up the phone after leaving a voicemail with just my basic info and for her to call me back (because yeah.. that would make anyone call back.. a complete stranger.. not asking for anything with much specificity AT ALL.. right, I'd be right on that immediately):

* Crap. I just left the woman who could be my birth mother a voicemail.

* She hasn't gone by her maiden name since 1974. So to have someone ask for her, the her whose maiden name might be Chavez, might turn on a light/clue her in/cause anxiety she hasn't felt in 38 years.

* Seriously.. A FUCKING VOICEMAIL?! AM I INSANE?! Gah.. Don't answer that.

* She left the Bay Area around three months pregnant - probably before she was showing much - and I know she couldn't be in the relationship with whomever my father was.. but maybe she left without telling him.. about the not showing yet.. about me.

* Uh.. yeah.. why is that thought JUST NOW occurring to me? Wow.. could she have.. ? Really?

Until about 10 years ago, she was the only person I was looking for. I assumed she was probably around 17 and in 'trouble' at the time. And then I sent away for my pre-adoption record and she was 30. That changed the perspective. At 17, it's a necessity. But at 30? That's a significant decision. So I just assumed they made the choice together, broke off their relationship for whatever reason (he was married to a woman.. or to God maybe - really, it's possibly an insanely good scandal) and that was that. But what if she never told him and therefore he wasn't part of that choice..?

Eeesh..

These are just the inner-workings of my overactive thinking.. questions going 'round my head like.. why are there so many damn buttons and clasps on business pants? Seriously.. it's like getting into/out of Fort Knox when you have to pee.. wtf? Also does anyone else like The Marriage Ref like I do? Holy crap! The guests tonight were Larry David, Madonna and Ricky Gervais. High-larious. Also also? Saw Alice In Wonderland tonight and maybe remembered a couple of important points about it: a) It was one of my favorite stories ever as a child and I should re-read it and b) there was no dancing in it. None. I mean, I'm pretty sure. So I'm all for free reign with the artistic license and whatnot - because it was a 98% perfect movie - EXCEPT for the dancing. Two moments. Two very awkward moments. Tim. I ask you. Why? Seriously.. don't you people screen that stuff? Just saying. Two percent under perfection. Are you happy now? Had to have your dancing, didn't you? Pffft..

Also, I'm still feeling the caution pictures. They most accurately represent this risk-taking, and apparently the possible decapitating (of sorts) venture of mine.

Also also? I've been on that teeter-totter at Burning Man. Seriously scary and fun. Except more the former and less the latter.. but hellloo.. TEETER-TOTTER OF DEATH! As if you see THAT every day, right? I mean, I'm right, aren't I?

Lost & Found

When I was about six or seven, my parents told me I was adopted. For a while, when I would meet new friends, I told this story with a matter-of-fact sort of distance. I remember saying, '.. and those people adopted me,' like they were kind strangers I toddled right up to and noticing I had no actual parents and I was brand new to the world, it was a logical decision to take me in. In fact, being nothing like that, of course it was a loving decision and they very much wanted me. But knowing that much also means that someone else did not.

Enter in: Abandonment complex.

However subconscious that is, it's there. Possibly heightened by those parents who loved me so much, but didn't know how to always show it correctly because they were so messed up themselves and thus all my failure buttons were created. My demons in a nutshell: Do something right and people stick around. Fail for whatever reason - mostly, by being yourself - and they don't - but it was because you're stupid, an airhead, or worthless anyway. Translate that to keeping friends or lovers and they can disappear because they have no obligation to stay like my parents. So when I say I want to make a t-shirt that says, "Without me, it'd just be 'aweso' ", sure, I seem to have a healthy ego, but I think sometimes I toot that horn that loudly because I have to make sure I hear it myself.

So the dating. Yeah.. it was going ok. I mean, I'm doing it. Usually first dates only. I don't know how many of you darling four readers are single, if any of you, but I've honed some skills - one being to know if I'm drawn to someone in the first few minutes. Some I'd even say seconds.. it's really quick. These are online sorts of things of course where there's no time to build up anything remotely friendly before you're sharing a table, a couple of drinks and small talk. I'd known The Boy for two months and worked along side him in his theatre before my first meeting with him as part of the company where we both noticed a real spark we thought could become more. But it's not impossible to have a lasting connection with someone brand new right away - it just doesn't happen that often.

But, when it does..? I might get excited about it. I might be sort of girly about it, giggly even when it goes so well I don't want to leave.. or when he wants to make me dinner the next night.. or we kiss after what I thought was a near perfect evening and it was more than awesome. And I might be inclined to check in a couple of days later and say 'hey, how are things,' all breezy of course - because apparently, breezy is part of the game. And tho he responded only to answer the question - I should've read that as.. hm.. he didn't ask how I was, he didn't ask to see me again and despite the 20 minute make out that was fantastic, thank you very much, too bad - done and done. But do I think that? Duh.. no. I think it's fine. He asked me out, he made dinner so I might've gone ahead and asked if there was any room in his schedule to hang next week. And when there was no answer to that question for TWO DAYS, I might've completely over-thought it, texted him again and said I must've misread his interest, was glad to have met, thanks for having me over, hope he was enjoying the sunny day - and according to everyone, EXCEPT my best gay boyfriend EVER, Loren, who I know now always has my back (seriously, if you don't have a best gay boyfriend.. dear God.. get one), that's when I crossed the line into Crazytown.

1. I don't think it was crazy.

2. Crazy is a really rash term.. hello.. NOT crazy over here. And it's just kind of mean.

3. Online Boy and I share the same birthday and are similar people (and by that I DON'T mean THE SAME or that he MUST be my soulmate for chrissakes) but he tells it like it is, like I do.. so yeah, it surprised me when instead of being direct and saying, 'Hey, had a nice time, didn't feel a connection (despite said makeout - whatever), but thanks,' or something to that effect, he is Completely. Silent. And heretofore: a jackass.

4. Why am I still shocked men do this shit?

5. Seriously - I'm not fucking crazy.

6. I'm actually a great person to date and I rock as a girlfriend.

7. So there.

8. I liked the jackass.

Ugh.

Tho I had his answer when he didn't get back to me in the first place, I stand by the fact that I was only communicating and there's nothing wrong with that. I might've done it in the wrong way, but communication is something that makes you an adult. This isn't the movie Swingers, people. Who the fuck is waiting for six days to call their 'babies'? If they are, they're not worth you're time because THAT'S STUPID. I'm not saying stalk people, but don't blow a girl off. That's just rude.

Am I impatient? Sure.. I liked him. We had great conversation, we're both in theatre, we knew some of the same people and I thought there was a spark for sure. But here's where my demon steps in and I start thinking I said or did something wrong, I showed my hand too soon, it was too obvious I liked him.. Pffft - whatever. I'm sorry - I never read The Rules. I don't know how to pretend I don't like someone when I do. And truly, if he liked me at all, it wouldn't have mattered what I said and he would've responded because all of this dating stuff makes everyone nervous - we're human. It's hard to be vulnerable. Cut a girl some slack, ok? Fuck.

I know, I know.. I'm 42 cats shy of being Bitter Old Cat Lady. Fine.

Next built-in, self-fulling, I-could-screw-this-up prophecy story:

Around the holidays, a tv show called Find My Family began that reuinted lost family members, adoptees, etc. From the creators of Extreme Home Make-Over, it was sure to be another exploitive primetime tear-jerker. But, having been looking for my birth mother for close to 10 years now, the possibilities were intriguing. The network did all the research and the approaching to see if the lost wanted to be found, reunions were set up and many tears were had. I had no desire to be on tv. I just wanted to find her. I even went as far to fill out the application - and I think I have a pretty compelling situation surrounding my adoption that would make it a good story - but I never got around to sending it in and the show seems to be off the air now.

This week there was another show starring celebrities this time that traces back their genealogy and it made me think, like I often have, that I can't do that. My brother traced back my adoptive family, but it's not my story. His roots are German, Irish and Scottish. I was jealous when he did that because it's not something I can do. He knows his story, he knows where he gets his ability to draw (Mom) and his temper and tone-deaf ear (Dad). He's the spitting image of Dad and he even has his voice. I know not all blood-related families share heaps of similarities, but the only resemblances to my family I came away with are behavioral - and as discussed - rather dysfunctional.

I got online and googled Find My Family again. I don't know why really - but I found a registry unrelated to the show, registered with the info I had and a couple of hours later, the woman who runs the site emailed me saying she found a marriage certificate that seemed to match who I was looking for. I've written her three times now (yes, yes, we know I'm an over-communicator, that's been established, thank you) asking questions with no response from her, so I contacted J for her opinion.

J found me some years ago thanks to another online adoption registry while she was also looking for my birth mother. They were friends in college and the fact she knew I was Carmen's daughter literally took my breath away. Intermittently, both of us have put in effort here and there to get more detail, but we found nothing terribly conclusive. And tho we've probably been connected for a few years now, we'd never actually spoken on the phone until yesterday. She sounds like I thought she would - warm and kind and most importantly, supportive of this need of mine to find her. And now with this new marriage record, we had a real lead.

We spent over an hour on the phone, hitting the internet from each side til we thought not only could we support the record I received might be the right person, the right age, the right details, but that she actually lives in Portland, Oregon - just three hours away - with her husband (who's 10 years younger by the way - hellooo - sound like anyone you know?!). And, one of the best things ever - they had a daughter in 1976, which means I could have a sister. And there in black and white was her phone number clearly listed as well.

I told Mom today who agrees with J that I should just call. And here's where I'm erring on the side of caution for once. I think J should call. She can soften the blow of I'M YOUR DAUGHTER by distracting her with long lost friend news and then a casual, oh hey, while trying to find you, I found someone else first who really wants to meet you.. and then I can drop the I'M YOUR DAUGHTER bomb because then she'll have decided, yes, she does want to meet me after digesting the idea. I think this is a good plan. J's argument is that it's time. Surprisingly simple, right? I'm not sure if that sounds more like the thru line in a sappy tv show or what, but she says it so calmly, I kind of want to believe that's enough to think this could work. Yes, I can make the call and we'll all have a happy reunion and go out to brunch or something.. and then I wake up and realize, this isn't tv and people have a tendency of freaking the fuck out when you deliver CRAZY news like, hello, I'm the daughter you gave up for adoption 38 years ago.. how are you? Yeah.. seems a little rash to me.. but what do I know?

If you can't tell, and I'm sure you can, I'm sort of freaking out. This is a big deal. It's freakin huge, ok? And people don't get it, which is a bummer. I just can't explain it to them because they know what it's like to have a family connection. I mean, don't get me wrong - I love my family and all our flaws. Mom will always ALWAYS be my mom. But my birth mom is MY story and I want to discover her. She holds keys to my identity that I don't have. It won't change who I am.. not inherently. I know who I am with or without her - but will it change everything if she's willing to open her life to me? Absolutely. How could it not?

And there's the possibility.. well.. that she could also say no. And here I am again, getting excited, but trying not to get my hopes up.. because it matters if she picks up or doesn't return my call. This isn't a guy not worth the price of the lipgloss I put on.. this could be my mother. There's only one of her. And that changes the whole game.

Needed: Just A Little Luck

So my pretties.. it's shocking that I've been even too busy to write these days. Looking for work is a full-time job itself. There's also some good time spent with friends, working on oneself internally as well as externally, and maybe a little dating here and there, which has all proven to be really positive. I have to admit, I was feeling pretty discouraged there for a while and certainly, the financial sitch keeps me motivated, but there seems to be a bit of good karma finally coming my way and without taking it for granted, I've noticed smiling has become more frequent and my head isn't too heavy to hold up these days. It's a nice change.

I also may have started the first season of Dexter because I thought as the last person on the planet who hasn't seen the show, it might be best to find out what everyone was talking about. And Oh. My. God. Did you guys start having dreams about it once you found out who the real Ice Truck Killer was?! I mean, I was trying to tell Dexter, finding, of course, as you do in dreams, that you have no voice and can't remember what you wanted to say, but played out most of a creepy episode created by my subconscious. Upon waking up, felt slightly disturbed, but I can't wait to watch the next episode.

So I'm keeping busy, throwing out the optimistic vibes to the Universe and hoping it responds favorably really soon - even if it did let me down in the US vs Canada hockey game, but the trash talking over texts with my Canuck friends while it was going on was totally worth it.

I'm also putting out creative energy into another direction and auditioning for a band this Saturday. It's something like 60's retro-pop sort of stuff and I really dig it. I love theater, but producing it can make you think that's all there is when there are other ways I can generate art and shine in my own light.. one where I'm a lot more sure of my own abilities. Color me extremely excited!

Anyway, I haven't died or jumped in front of a passing bus yet. Life hasn't become that dire, thank God.. but please cross all your fingers/toes/extra digits for me, if you wouldn't mind.. (primarily for the second interview I think went uber well today and hoping they short-list me or just plain offer me the job - pleasepleaseplease!) or send wine.. or money.. or wine covered in money? Whatever. Neither would hurt.

Off to continue to take on the world yet again!

A Belated Valentine's Day List

Because Valentine's was just another day, I made a list. I love love. I do. I don't hold anything against the couples who can't contain their affections because I've been there.. tho it seems like a long time ago now, but I would be fully disgustingly gushing if I was in love. Tho it's over-marketed, the world can always use more love, in my opinion. So there's no boyfriend this year. Meh. So what? I have so many other people - friends, family and a pudgy kitty that mean the world to me. I mean, ok, if there's no boyfriend by next year, sure.. I might start making one up, but til then..

A List for Valentine's (a day late):

* Even on a dark and rainy day in the last couple of weeks, the one song that always manages to bring a smile to my face is the theme song to The Office. It's the ringtone for my text messages. How can one be sad hearing that song? One can't. Try it. I challenge you.

* Have you ever just hit shuffle on your entire iTunes library? I just did while getting ready to go out. I didn't realize how much awesome music I have. And how awesome I am. I'm just saying.

* On that note, I heard some great music at a restaurant this weekend and asked the waitress about it who said she'd be happy to burn me a cd. I thought it was so nice that I decided to make her one too.. you know.. thinking it was a positive thing. Actually, saying it outloud sounds kind of stalkery now. Hopefully she won't think I'm trying to hit on her when I drop it off and will realize I'm just spreading the nice..

* The painting of the kitchen that is taking a KAJILLION years is almost done! Seriously! And it's looking sooo good! I only have like a 6 x 7 space left, but it's all about committing to it because the oven has to come out each time. That doesn't sound like much but, dude.. it's a small space. Come over if you don't believe me. I've got an extra brush.

* And I would've finished it this weekend, but I discovered Dead Like Me. A short-lived Showtime series that's.. hellooo?? Awesome. Take the gratuitous cussing out and it could've been on mainstream tv so I'm sad for it because it's smart and original and I have this thing about death and God and all that.. so it fully suits me. Halfway thru the season and I think I've made more progress on the show than the last bit of painting I have yet to do. I can't help it. It's addicting.

* Now that I think about it.. can I drop that cd off for the waitress and not have her think I'm a stalker? I mean.. I'll still do it.. but tell me, would you think it's just good karma coming back if someone of the same sex did that for you? Hm.. get back to me on that.

* Hellooo.. can you say Olympics? The US already has 7 medals and I'm pretty excited to see Apollo Ohno try to get more today. NBC insists on delaying most of the live coverage for evening timeframes which is my only grievance. I've found I do love being a complete girl and fawning over the ice skating, but the half-pipe snowboard stuff is pretty damn cool too. The opening ceremonies had a lot to make fun of (I mean, seriously KD Lang - really? Hallelujah? Does that scream 'olympic feeling' to you? Not to mention the two Canadian icons, Anne Murray and Bryan Adams, who South Park loves to mock, had to be present as well. The latter writing and singing one of the most boring songs ever with Nelly Furtado, a very pretty girl, but from the shoulders down looked like a drag prom date.), but they also felt inspiring and creative. If you're going to put on a show like that, Vancouver is filled with amazing visual and technical artists - because hi - did you SEE those whales?! So cool right?!

* Kario and my nieces came over today to bathe me in love and lunch. They are always a joy to have around and my nieces are turning out to be quite the characters. I may not be the richest or best auntie they have, but I love my best friend who's always there for me and my girls who've been part of my life since the day they were born. I'm chillin with them all weekend and I just have to make sure they are tattoo and piercing free when I hand them back to their parents.

* My mom actually has more dates these days than I do. She's seeing TWO guys apparently. The effect romance has on her always bleeds over into good things for me. She seems quite a bit happier and I'm relieved because she's less lonely. She even called this morning to reassure me if my work situation isn't resolved soon, that she'll help me figure things out financially. It took her a couple of weeks, but she offered that on her own. She knows I'm not a failure and tho she doesn't expressly say that directly, I know she realizes this is hard for me. It felt good to know I could count on her without asking. She was just being a good mom and it kind of overwhelmed me with love this morning.

* The Universe is being a little fickle but I'm trying to maintain patience that She'll come around my direction. There's a possible interview with another telecom, but they haven't confirmed when yet and another set for Wednesday with a placement firm for contract work. Regardless, I'm mentally preparing, thinking only of past mistakes as stepping stones to making me a better person all around and asking Ms. Universe to bring me only positive opportunities. As my acting teacher used to tell me, all I can do is give my gift. I just have to believe I have one to give.

* Since I haven't gone to bed yet even tho it's after 3am, I'm going to count this last entry for Monday - but I think I finally finished painting the damn kitchen! Like just now! Can you say it with me??! YAY!

And yeah, I'm going to end there because a girl's gotta go out on a high note.. or go to sleep on one. Either way.

Happy belated Valentine's kittens.. I hope you were all appropriately adored. Mwah!

Making [A New] History

Part of the reason I enjoyed writing about my trip to Barcelona (which, by the way.. STILL not done and I haven't even gotten to the part about missing my homebound plane! Sigh..) is because I had stuff to write about. I mean, a whole trip! Like 11 days of walking and site seeing and taking in really really old stuff. Picasso and churches and street performers and people from all over the world.. It was an adventure. My adventure. And my first one completely solo at that. Also? I wrote it all down while I was there so when I came back? Instant blog posts. Score! I knew what I would write about because I had pages filled with a kajillion words of introspective crap and all these very interesting observations about everything that make me sound so.. well.. observant. I mean, that's what you're doing when you're people-watching at bars. And drinking a lot. You think you're much cooler than you are. All Jack Kerouac and Anaïs Nin or something.. Very poet-y, but minus the cigarettes and threesomes and really more wide-eyed innocence than anything else. Ok.. I wasn't so innocent. Fine.

I could be someone no one knew over there.. tho, yes, the American amidst more worldly ex-pats, but still, I was among them and I could glean and take it in all spongy like. It was sexy, it was fun, it was spontaneous and unknown.. and also, kind of lonely. But, when I was alone, I tried to be ok in the alone-ness and it's easier when you can sort of blend into the scenery.. even if you stand out like a tourist. I was in a tourist city so no one cared.. and tho at times, I was still intimidated and nervous about being completely on my own for so long, I had no one to answer to, could dally for hours if I wanted to just breathing in the smell of a 12th century church and wondering if God existed because the history of it all just ached of possibility.

And I talked to strangers, made some friends, but my little journal - that was actually a recipe notebook I found out later.. um.. yeah.. I suggest knowing a teensy wee bit of Spanish if you take a trip to SPAIN.. hellooo.. I'm just saying - was my outlet. And please - my handwriting? Ouch. So bad. I used to have really pretty handwriting. More than that, I used to LOVE writing itself. It was so therapeutic and I'd write for hours in my diary when I was younger, I'd write angsty poetry (hey, some of it was pretty good) til my hand cramped. But I didn't bring my laptop to Barcelona because I didn't want it stolen or have it weigh me down and tho typing feels clearer for my thoughts, is a lot faster and allows me to edit more cleanly, the journal was all I had. I only needed a pen and I could be in a bar where I knew no one and still have something to keep me occupied and would exercise my brain.


It's different being back home now. I probably have one more extra long post about Spain before I'm done, but the holidays came up, things got in the way of finishing.. and there isn't so much adventure. Trying to figure out why I'm still healing a broken heart after close to nine months is a mystery - or just a confirmation of how deeply I loved him. While worldly travels and those I met doing that distracted me for a bit, coming home and living the day to day only shined a light on how much direction I still need. What do I do with my life? Why is work so stressful? Another theater seems interesting, so do I join their company when they ask? Why can't I drive down the street his theater is on? Ever? Why is he constantly in my thoughts? Finally - someone interesting.. rush rush rush.. have friend talk. He changes his mind. Yo-yo's between the two. Definitely just friends. No.. he wants more. Email saying otherwise. Done and done. Jackass (him). Idiot (me). Silence (everyone). Angry. Bitter. Sad.

Miss him again. The magic one. The one who said yes when asked if he loved me.. and yes, he promised..

Maybe cry..

Start over tomorrow..

Birthday for a girlfriend. Visit Cayenne and her new baby girl. Push myself at the gym. Second first date with someone from the past. Casual. Have fun. Kiss. Movie plans with gay boyfriend. Baby shower for another friend. Theater meeting.

Continue to move forward.

Have some adventures here. Make a new history.

Sigh.. this is hard work.

For Brandy

As mentioned yesterday, I found these amazing new female bloggers and a whole new writing world opened up. I knew there were more out there and that I had much to learn about the perfectly written blog post. The written word is something I'm incredibly fascinated by and I wish I could put a sentence together like some of the new writers to which I've now linked. I'll still make up words and deny the ellipse three dots and make it only two because I think it looks better and is more to the point of what an ellipse stands for, BUT my point (and I know, I'm getting to it!) is maybe these writers will help me increase the possibility of ending sentences rather than running them on and on - not to mention assist in increasing my vocabulary and my own awesomeness. Last year left my ego in a bit of a shambles so I could certainly use a boost. That'd be a bonus. And when done with this post, I suggest you head on over to the links on the right and check them out.

Now, my self-absorbed-ness aside - thru these women, I found another blog that truly moved me. She sent out a request to her own internet community and they all answered. Again, it's just another copycat move on my part, but she asked the Virtual World to help her out and tho late, I thought I would.

Sending you all the positive thoughts and energy I can muster Brandy.

************************************

My name is brandy. And I have a blog.

And a plea.

I use my blog to showcase the crazy I meet everyday, share the stories of the kids I teach and document my love for tequila, dairy products and the abdominal muscles of Ryan Reynolds. Rarely do I talk about personal issues on my blog - as personal as the dude that I adore (who I actually met through my blog- single ladies, let that be a very good reason to blog, the possibility of meeting someone as wonderful as my man), but I need your help. And it involves my dude.

He’s a guy who made math comics for my class, so they would love learning about addition. He’s the kinda guy who sends my friends gift cards when they are having hard times, who remembers every story I ever told him, who was the first person I celebrated with when I got a teaching job. He’s the guy who sent flowers to me at school - dozens of my favourite pink roses just because he loves me. He’s a guy who has spent a year patiently explaining (and re-explaining) everything there is to know about football during the important games when silence is preferred. He’s made me word puzzles and comics and stayed up late playing Scrabble with me (even though I beat him almost every time). He’s listened to me cry about school and family and jobs. He is everything I never knew I needed and everything I always knew I wanted.

The holidays have hit us hard. He’s recently been told he may have something called multiple myeloma - an incurable cancer, that gives a person an average of five years of continued life. Though this news has came as a shock, he continues to be exactly who has always been - spending his time worrying about me, rather than worrying about himself. He’s the most selfless individual I know - (he stayed late on Christmas Eve to work, so his co-workers could leave early) and a post like this would never be something that he would promote or encourage but when I’m overwhelmed and feeling helpless, the blogging community has always given me tremendous support and comfort, two things I desperately need at this time.

As I write this, the future is uncertain and we aren’t sure what’s happening. He’ll need to see an oncologist soon, to verify what’s going on in his body. My hope is that everyone who reads this think positive thoughts and if you are a person who prays, could you add him to your list? (You can refer to him as ‘brandy’s hot awesome dude’). If you don’t pray, please keep him in your heart. This cancer is only a possibility and I believe that the prayers and positive thoughts of people can make sure it never becomes a reality.

I want to give a big thank you to the blog owner who scraped their original blog plans and graciously put this up. My goal is to get as many people as possible to see and read this post. If you are reading this and want to help, copy and paste my plea into your blog or send a link through twitter, so more people can keep him in their thoughts. I would be so very grateful (even more grateful than I am to my friend who first showed me the picture of Ryan Reynolds on the cover of Entertainment Weekly. If you haven’t seen it, Google it. You. Are. Welcome).

I realize this all sounds dramatic, a Lifetime movie in the making - but this is life. Right now. And I’m throwing away any hint of ego and am humbly asking for you to pray or think kind thoughts. If you are able to pass this on, thank you and if you know anything regarding MM - please email me (my email is on my blog). This isn’t a call for sympathy or a plea for pity. It’s just one girl hoping you can think positive thoughts for the person she adores. If my current heartache provides you with anything, let it be with the reminder that life is short, love is unbending and no one knows what could happen next. Maybe it is silly, but I really do believe that positive thoughts can make a huge difference. Thank you for reading this and if you haven’t already? Please tell someone you love them today.

I did.

Adieu 2009 - Onto 2010

The last week of 2009 I started surfing for new bloggers. I thought it was time to clean up a few links and look for new writers who inspired me a bit more. I found a few strong female voices I was really drawn to and moved by and one of them is this gem at Hope Dies Last. I'm again feeling listy because I'm not sure how to summarize the last month or what to say in my usual Miss D set of run on sentences and made up words. Not that I don't have stuff to say, but a list of questions seems more finite and somehow simpler, at least today. So I thought I'd borrow her latest post idea and say goodbye to 2009 in a more appropriate and copycat kind of way. I'm certainly no trendsetter. 2010 can't change the fact most often I'm still just a sheep in the herd who has yet to find her own way. I'll get there.. one day.

1. What did you do in 2009 that you'd never done before?

I did a couple of things. Stage managed the largest cast I'd ever seen in fringe of 21 actors while also production managing the same show. I also went to Barcelona completely alone, not knowing a soul for two weeks because I was tired of being tied to the idea that I needed someone else to travel with. It was still a challenge for someone like me who likes more time with friends than being alone, but it was a good life experience and I needed to do it.

2. Did you keep your new year's resolutions and will you make more for this year?

I tried. For a long time, my goals were to be more positive, not to let the negatives take me over and work on my own issues of trying to be a better listener, friend, employee, daughter, sister, lover, and just all around better person. That's a full plate. I'll certainly carry it to this year tho last year was truly disheartening in so many ways, but I just kept going and tried to take it a day at a time. I have hope for this year. I have to.

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?

Actually yes! My gorgeous friend Cayenne gave birth on December 8th to a darling little girl she named Leila. I'm an auntie once again. She is all rainbows and magic and bunnies in the cutest little package.

4. Did anyone close to you die?

Unfortunately, yes. My stepfather. My mother's true love I believe.. and I so wish they'd had more time together.

5. What countries did you visit?

Canada and Spain.

6. What would you like to have in 2010 that you lacked in 2009?

A partner who doesn't flee at a little hard work and knows what he wants (me, among other things). And to figure out what the hell I should be doing with my life.. I should probably focus on that part first.

7. What dates from 2009 will be etched in your memory and why?

March 30th: When they pulled the breathing tube out and my stepfather died.

April 14th: When Boy and I broke up.

June 27th: The last time Boy and I saw each other in person and said goodbye.

November 2nd: My 38th birthday and the first time I felt genuinely happy after a very difficult and emotional spring and summer.

8. What was your biggest achievement of this year?

Going to Spain alone and pulling myself out of my hole of sadness to see the world is a giant place and there are so many things to discover and people to meet.

9. What was your biggest failure?

Being unable to let go, being afraid, denying who someone really is even tho they show you over and over.

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?

A broken heart from losing a father and a boyfriend within weeks of each other. I almost couldn't believe it was happening again almost exactly 10 years after I experienced the same thing at 28. And a seriously annoying case of head-to-toe hives from an allergic reaction to antibiotics for an infection. Ick ick ick.

11. What was the best thing you bought?

My ticket to Barcelona and the awesome boots purchased there as well.

12. Whose behavior merited celebration?

Obama for winning the election even if he's been too nice in my opinion over the course of the year and Jon Stewart for always being brave enough to call everyone on their bullshit, right or leftwing.

13. Whose behavior made you appalled or depressed?

The Boy depressed me, beyond my imagination. I was appalled by anyone who supported Sarah Palin, Glenn Beck, Rush Limbaugh and/or Roman Polanski.

14. Where did most of your money go?

To massive amounts of alcohol.. if we're being honest.. and I think we are.

15. What did you get really really excited about?

Really, just my trip to Spain and the friends I met there and held onto.

16. What song will always remind you of 2009?

Horseshoes And Handgrenades by Green Day. Any song that starts off with 'I'm not fuckin around' couldn't possibly suck and I sang it loud and in my car when I needed to remind myself I'm stronger than the bad that was happening. An audible swift kick in the ass if you will.

17. Compared to this time last year, are you:

a. happier or sadder

b. thinner or fatter

c. richer or poorer

Probably a bit sadder, but trying to move on from that, a few pounds heavier and that's a mystery where those came from, but richer in life and love regardless.

18. What do you wish you'd done more of?

Healing.

19. What do you wish you'd done less of?

Crying. Seriously one of the hardest years of my life.

20. Did you fall in love in 2009?

No - I was already there.

21. What was your favorite tv program?

I have a list - my excuse is that being an actor it's all scene study - but I'll categorize:

Favorite new shows: Modern Family - because it's seriously the funniest damn thing on tv and also because I went to college with Ty Burrell who's the dad of the more traditional family and he finally got a show worthy of his talents. And Glee - because when you're a musical theater geek like I am, it's tv candy.

Favorite guilty pleasure: Gossip Girl - and I don't want to hear another word about it. Thank you.

Favorite America votes show: I usually never watch reality shows or anything they ask 'America' to dial into but I love So You Think You Can Dance. I hate the judges except for Adam Shankman who's one of the funniest gay men on the planet, but the dancing is gorgeous and a few choreographers seriously give me tingles watching their talents come to life.

Favorite news show: The Daily Show. Jon is where I get my news because it's more truth than anything else out there.

22. Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year?

I don't hate anyone - that's a strong word. I dislike people like Glenn Beck, Sarah Palin and Rush Limbaugh who instill unreasonable fear and spread ignorance to the masses.

23. What was the best book you read?

Well, if I could finish it, probably When You Are Engulfed In Flames by David Sedaris. I only read at the gym and I need to make more time for it.

24. What was your greatest musical discovery?

Probably The Ting Tings as far as new artists, Kaskade as far as new to me and fun dance music, and the new Muse, Green Day and Rodrigo y Gabriela albums. This year, I needed it to be loud.

25. What did you want and get?

To go to Europe this year.

26. What did you want and not get?

To build a life with the Boy, to know my stepfather longer.

27. What was your favorite film of 2009?

Blockbuster: Star Trek

Indie: Sunshine Cleaning (tho I haven't seen (500) Days of Summer) - it's on my Netflix)

Original: Fantastic Mr. Fox

Best See With A Guy: The Hangover

Best See With Your BFF: Whip It

28. What did you do on your birthday and how old did you turn?

On the day, which fell on a Monday, I celebrated with some new friends by having a chill little get together over some food and cupcakes and watching Dr. Horrible's Sing-Along Blog, which made me love Neil Patrick Harris and Nathan Fillian to an almost obsessive degree. And then later that week, had a more appropriate birthday party at the Bottleneck Lounge, stumbling distance from home, with all the friends who could make it. Shine made me the best cake ever and I drank a lot of panther's milk and champagne. The next week a crew of us saw They Might Be Giants live and it honestly couldn't have been a better way to celebrate a full two weeks of being 38. Doesn't matter that I still look 26, but I'm ever so grateful that's true.

29. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2009?

Unfortunately, it was based on comfort most of the time tho a few times this summer, I brought the sexy back, but it was more rare than not. Again, no trendsetter here. I'm happy if I my butt looks good in a pair of jeans and my shoes don't hurt after wearing them for only two hours.

30. What kept me sane?

A few very good friends and their words of wisdom I had to keep repeating over and over.. and over.

31. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?

I have a fondness for smart and funny Jews so Jon Stewart wins hands down.

32. Who did you miss?

The Boy, my stepfather, and the friends who've chosen to cut ties - one for when she was sweet and kind and fun (because the other times, she was just plain mean) and the other for her quirky energy, her sense of style, her independence and amazing talent she had for thrifting. Also, she was just plain gorgeous to look at.

33. Who was the best new person you met?

Violet. Funny, real, makes friend time even tho she lives with her boyfriend who is also funny and nice and we have that little bond of meeting in Barcelona, having the best night of both of our trips and living in the same city - at least for now.

34. The most valuable life lesson you learned in 2009?

When people show you who they really are, you should believe them.

35. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year.

Another day, just believe.

Just breathe. Just believe.

Just breathe.

25 Days of Christmas List

I'm hanging out at the family farm and it's my last night in the middle of no where before I head back home to Seattle tomorrow. It feels like a writing night so I thought I'd make a list - but I found this one on another blog and promptly 'borrowed' it..

1. Wrapping paper or gift bags? I did both this year because though I love it when friends get me lots of little things and wrap them individually, I didn't think my family would appreciate that so both my brother's and mother's gifts went into bags. Everything else was wrapped in paper. I like to mix it up.

2. Real or artificial tree? I've done both, but in the last few years, I got a bargain deal on a mini tinsel tree that I love. It's silver, folds up and down, doesn't shed pine needles everywhere, I don't have to water it, it won't go up in flames and it's super shiny and hip. I have these mini Santa ornaments that are freakin adorable for it too. It's très apropos for a city girl like me.

3. When do you put up the tree? Yeah, um.. this year, I sort of didn't. Ok.. a little more than sort of. I just didn't get around to it. And yes, I know - even tho it would take all of five whole minutes due to the answer to the last question, but for some reason, it took a while to feel like Christmas was even here for me. It's been a weird year, what can I say.. I'm waiting for 2010 to feel better. But usually, I wait for December to hit and then anything holiday-ish goes.

4. When do you take the tree down? Well, it's really easy if you never put it up in the first place.. but usually, after new year's.

5. Do you like eggnog? Actually, yes - but I avoid it cuz there's just too many other homemade sweets and their ilk around to waste the calories on one glass of eggnog even if it's spiked. Not when you can have Gram's chocolate covered peanut butter balls. The best!

6. Favorite gift received as a child? Probably the bikes 'Santa' brought us. Mine was a yellow Huffy, complete with banana seat and basket. It was fucking awesome.

7. Do you have a nativity scene? I try to avoid Things That Collect Dust.. even for baby Jesus.. I hope He'll manage to forgive me..

8. Hardest person to buy for? My mom. She was poor growing up so she's since made up for her past by always buying whatever she wants whenever she wants it. Tho this year she was clear about something she wanted. She said it was called 'The Rabbit' - and it took a moment to figure out she wasn't talking about the specific product a whole Sex And The City episode was dedicated to. This one is a wine opener. And everyone in the room breathed a sigh of relief. But as we all agreed 'no presents' and still got small things anyway, I went with dvds and coffee I knew she'd like instead. It's a whole lot better than giving her cash like I said last year I was going to do because she hates everything I ever get her.

9. Easiest person to buy for? My sister-in-law. She's girly and we have similar taste so I know if I pick something out, she'll like it. This year she asked for wine glasses so off to Crate & Barrel I went, picked out two different kinds, four of each in case one set broke or she liked one style more than the other and.. and voilà.

10. Worst Christmas gift ever received? I love my mom, but she likes her ideas rather than listening to mine. She always asks what we want or asks if we need something like a gps system when I have a Blackberry and a Macbook and know my way around Google maps already. I always say no, just money towards my credit card or something practical and she takes it in and then who knows what she does with that info but pay attention to it she doesn't. Then she presents something like a handmade wooden chair that transforms into a step stool in a pinch.. but is also so big, it's kind of awkward for a little apartment like mine. And since she got my brother one as well and he now lives in a house, guess where that chair went oh.. immediately? Right. Um.. thanks!

11. Mail or email Christmas cards? I decided against either and went with Christmas texting. The unlimited plan is the way to go people. Cards aren't cheap and only come in packs of 10 or 12. Stamps are excessively expensive and why send people things they'll just have to recycle? I chose the instant gratification form of communication AND the environmentally conscious one at that. Yay me!

12. Favorite Christmas movie? Elf. My favoritest ever part is when the manager of the store announces Santa is coming the next day and Will Ferrell starts yelling 'Santa' at the top of his lungs. High-larious!

13. When do you start shopping for Christmas? Well.. I think about it a lot after Halloween.. and I only ever managed to do it over the course of the year once and be completely done in time and within my budget.. so as usual, this year it was the week before Christmas.

14. Have you ever recycled a Christmas present? I'm pretty proud to say that I'm a good re-gifter. And I think that's ok. Along with the answer to worst present ever, Mom included a waffle iron along with waffle mix. Considering I already had a cute waffle iron I liked and only used once in a while as is, it became my office white elephant gift. And this year, one of the office white elephant gifts I'd received a few years ago became my family white elephant gift. I also re-gifted a few small birthday items into this year's office white elephant and it was a huge success because the sales people thought they'd make great stocking stuffers for their kids and ended up stealing them a couple of times. It's just the circle of life.

15. Favorite thing to eat at Christmas? The aforementioned chocolate covered peanut butter balls. Ohmygod.. they are the most amazing thing Gram makes and I savor them every year, take some home and ration them out as long as I can make them last - usually til Valentine's. I'm so not kidding.

16. Clear or colored lights on the tree? I'm a big fan of white, but it just depends. Since I don't do my own, I appreciate everyone else's and however they do it. I did put up clear lights in my living room, which I think are particularly awesome even sans tree.

17. Favorite Christmas song? Baby, It's Cold Outside and then the Muppet's 12 Days of Christmas always cracks me up. Animal is my favorite.

18. Travel or stay home for the holiday? It'd be pretty lonely if I stayed in my little place and the family certainly isn't fitting there so I travel to the family farm in Oregon or wherever they tell me to go. No plane travel is involved so I'm grateful for that.

19. Can you name Santa's reindeer? Uh. Yeah. Easy. You know Dasher and Dancer and Prancer and Vixen, Comet and Cupid and Donner and Blitzen.. and yes, Rudolph.

20. Angel or a star on top of the tree? I had neither when the tinsel tree was up.. but if I could find a little one, probably an angel. Sort of my namesake.

21. Open presents Christmas eve or Christmas day? We do both. We have Christmas with the immediate family the night before and then the stockings and other 'Santa' type gifts are done the next morning. We'll usually head to a grandparent's or aunt's house to spend with Mom's side of the family which is a big dinner and a white elephant gift exchange (as noted above). That lends to a lot of laughs when yours truly opens two gifts in a row that are tool-related: a shop vac (wtf?) and a set of wrenches, and there are jokes about them attracting men to my life - either gay or hick - neither of which are directly useful and then I beg an uncle or male cousin to 'steal' them so I can end up with the bamboo cutting boards Grandma had to steal for me. Yay! Success!

22. Most annoying thing about this time of year? I'm torn between the crowds OR the traffic driving down to the farm. I hit Target the week before Thanksgiving solely for toiletries and it was already insanity but it's a 4 1/2 hour drive from Seattle to BumFuckEgypt where Mom lives on the farm outside of Salem. Getting thru Washington is the worst part because Washingtonians are oblivious to the driving rule established everywhere else that the left lane is for faster traffic and you should be polite and move to the right when a faster car is coming up behind you. Oregonians have that down so once you cross into Portland, it's easy. Washingtonians act all self-righteous about it however, the freeways lend to that arrogance because there are exits and entrances right next to each other on the left side. Not sure what genius came up with that idea.

23. Ugliest Christmas decoration ever invented? Probably the Christmas sweater. It's decor for your body. Works for grandmas. No one else tho.

24. Gingerbread or sugar cookies? I think sugar cookies are boring. Gingerbread is fine.. but I like the holiday cookies that Shine makes every year with her family. She made some the year we lived together and they're divine! Orange-cranberry goodness with an orange glaze. Mmm!

25. Do you like fruitcake? Not in the slightest. Who in their right mind would?!

Holiday Cheer Times Three..

I don't know what happened in between the end of Thanksgiving and oh.. practically the day before Christmas, but somehow, time got away from me. Work has been insanity with a lot of hours and not a lot of recognition, but at this time of year when lots of people are out of work, I have to be grateful I have a job and a fairly decent one besides. But this time of year makes you reflect, creates a sense of longing for lots of things as the year comes to a quicker end than you thought possible..

Oh and I also came down with the best bladder infection known to man. So when they say your medical insurance is great - maybe read the fine print. It's amazing to me how they admittedly use people as guinea pigs. The doc sent me home with a prescription that only worked for one of the two nasty bacteria occupying my insides saying 'Let's see if that works,' which should've been my first clue. Three days later, the doctor's office called saying I needed to come back so they could tell me the second bacteria was resistant to the first set of antibiotics so they were going to prescribe me another - even tho this could've been done over the phone. They asked for another co-pay and I defiantly said, 'Uh.. no. They asked me to come back.' Yeah, screw you.. I thought.

Then randomly that weekend, I came down with a migraine for most of the nicest Saturday we've had in a while. And one should know that I don't get migraines - and yet, there was a pretty bad headache plaguing me from the moment I got up til about 6pm that night. I've had three in my life including that one. One very light one years ago with halos and everything and one while Boy and I were in the midst of one of our do-we-break-up-on-our-scheduled-date-night-or-not-and-we-love-each-other-so-what-do-we-do cry-fests of mine which reduced me to a whiny, horizontal blob, eyes closed due to the pain and the massive nausea so bad it felt like the worst hangover of my life and I literally couldn't move til the pain subsided.

Saturday I thought it was just a caffeine headache.. but I was feeling nauseous after trying to do a few errands and with only having had three drinks in a span of six hours the night before, it couldn't have been due to that. I had so many plans that day - a date, the gym, a list of things to do and spent it horizontal trying not to throw up, wondering why ibuprofen wasn't stronger, and wishing the pain away.

Then, last Tuesday morning, half asleep and in the shower trying to wake up, I noticed my arm was covered in little red bumps - and I realized it wasn't just on one arm, but All. Over. My. Body. And I thought - damn karma.. because after freaking out and heading to the doctor's again, she told me the hives had come from an allergic reaction to the antibiotics most likely. Awesome! I'm so glad you gave me medicine that made me a different kind of sick! And an itchy kind at that! Yay! Love it!

She told me to stop taking them. Right Doctor Obvious, except that I'd finished the prescription two days before that. So for another $20 co-pay, she told me to keep taking Benedryl and let her know if it got worse. Um.. really? No cortisone shot? Nothing stronger? Ooook.. so off to work I went. All day. No sympathy from my boss and jokes if I should even be there or was contagious which just exasperated my already exhausted self. By 6pm, the last co-worker at the office had noticed my face was blotchy and red.. and the hives had spread and when I checked my arms, had become a lot more concentrated so I had the on call doc paged who was super nice and prescribed me a much stronger antihistamine. I tried not to freak out, but I called my mom on the way home crying because I was just so mad and felt like a walking circus side show. And my mother - God love the woman, but she pronounces Washington with an r in the middle, and even SHE knew the hives were caused by the antibiotics. Apparently, a sulfa base medication is a common allergy. Common? Yup - even the pharmacist said the same thing. THEN WHY DO THEY PRESCRIBE IT?!?! For someone who doesn't have any allergies, that should tell them something. This is not a good medicine.. and in fact, is not medicine at all.

So finally, after a very long week of work with lots of overtime, crabby afternoons and company-free evenings because I couldn't bear to have anyone see me, I met up with Vi for some holiday improv downtown on Friday night, and it was so nice to be out and social I would've asked her to hang out longer if we weren't both so tired.

Saturday, finding myself deficient of able-bodied men who are responsible for things like the bbq, killing spiders and hooking up electronic devices, my friend Ryan generously offered to help hook up my new LCD flatscreen my brother gave me even tho we wondered if at 19 inches if it was even necessary since it's eight inches smaller than my giant and ancient version, so how much sense does that make? But it takes up less room and is actually kind of kick ass.

Ryan's part of the group of new friends I made dating Boy. His progressive church group uses Boy's theater on Sunday mornings to meet. They also voluntarily work the box office and that's how I met them. Nothing against God, but He and I are good and I just don't feel the need to go to church, even an awesome-sounding one as theirs probably is. I grew up Catholic. I got plenty of church, thank you.

But my POINT is they're so funny and some of the nicest people I've met in ages. They drink, they allow me to be myself around them, they don't preach, invite me out all the time to their homes for dinner and game nights and they're sort of my favorite rockin' extended family, which I was in sore need of this year. How could I not hang out with them when they asked? We played Scattergories last night, drank, ate a bunch of not-good-for-us homemade mac n' cheese in addition to fondue and candied pecans I brought.

Today I'm hitting the gym, hanging up my Christmas lights no matter how much it makes the upstairs neighbor's dogs bark and hopefully meeting my new niece, Leila, who is Cayenne's new baby girl.

These are all much better ideas in my opinion than fighting the holiday shopping crowds. It's just too much madness for me this weekend. I'll try to get it done this week before I leave for Mom's Thursday night because yes, my office is open for business on Christmas eve and yours truly will be wondering why I'm there when the phones will be completely dead and not one of my clients will be in their offices. But I'll get to spend four days with my family after that - uninterrupted. Not sure if that's a good thing or not considering Mom never likes what I get her and last year I swore she was getting cash only. Seriously. But I'm bringing a great bottle of wine, we're ordering Chinese in, and probably watching a lot of movies, which is just fine with me.

I hope none of you are plagued with illnesses and find yourselves hive and swine flu free this holiday season. Be good to your mom, even if she drives you crazy, travel safely, reflect wisely, forgive yourself your mistakes this year, breathe before you snap at the driver who just cut you off or the Prius driver who doesn't know how to use the pedal that makes the car go. See a good movie, hug your loved ones, and relax. Next year will be here before you know it and the madness of forgetting what's important to us will start all over again.

Happy holidays everyone!