[An Overthought] Love Poem

I want to be chosen. I want to be pursued. I want to be the priority. I want to be ached for, desired, and loved for me. I want to be needed. I want to be adored, cherished, and protected. Above all others. The most. More than anyone else ever in his past. Because he wants to. Not because he feels obligated. Not because there is no one else. Because I am me. Because I'm the right person. Because I make him laugh. Because he's drawn for reasons that are more than he thinks I'm pretty. But also, in addition to that. Even out of the shower, hair astray. Or in the shower, soap in my eyes, no mystery left.

But there is no choosing. There is just now. It is what it is and there is no name for that. Sometimes that is incredibly frustrating. Sometimes I understand and want to allow for more space. Sometimes I don't know why I feel like I need things to be rushed. Or maybe I'm not rushing. I just want. And the want makes me insist that things happen now. Or soon. Or eventually. But really, does it matter when? Does it even matter if? If I'm not that person. If none of that happens. But if there's a relationship that happens anyway and over time, but that time doesn't equal forever or ‛as long as we both shall live' or whichever is less or whichever is more, does that make it less valid or less acceptable or less what I want?

I want the day to day. The boring of the same old thing. The settled feeling that you can fight and he will still be there tomorrow because what you have matters more than the argument. The stability of reliance when good news needs celebrated and bad news requires a shoulder. Dates for friends' weddings, for birthdays, for New Year's Eve, for Valentine's. A cohort during boring holiday functions for work or family. A sense of ‛we' and still a sense of individuality. Not a single unit, but a partnership that has a force of unity driving it. The person who not only calls you on what you still need to work on, but helps you with that process.

Your balance. Your sounding board. The opinion that matters most. Your emergency contact. The person you kiss goodnight. Every night. Your family. Your shining light at the end of a dark day. The heart that's strong enough to shelter your hopes and dreams and protects you from your fears.

The heart that houses your heart. Because it wants to.

Someone who is yours. Because he wants to be. And so he is.

Holiday Listing

Oh people.. have you noticed that the holiday madness has begun?! I've only witnessed a handful of jewelry commercials thus far, but already, I'm nauseaus not only from their jingles but the continuous pressure of their philosophy that you are simply not loved enough - ergo at all - UNLESS someone gives you diamonds! That, in turn, accompanies the other school of thought that you can't possibly prove your love for someone unless you buy them diamonds as well. And we aren't talking cubic zirconia my friends. No, no we are not.

Also, I was driving up Queen Anne hill Monday night and I saw not one, not two, but THREE fully decorated and lit CHRISTMAS TREES in windows! WTF? Do they not know the rule? Are they new?? I don't get it. It isn't even Thanksgiving yet! You just don't put out your tree til the day after and that's at the earliest. I mean.. of all the nerve.. skewing the whole established process. Clearly these people have too much time on their hands because I have a tree too! I do. You all saw it last year. It's tiny and silver and made of like.. aluminum or something cuz it bends and it's just wee, but I haven't put it out, which would take all of 6.3 seconds including decoration, because IT'S JUST WRONG.. and, well.. I have no time to do anything like that. I'm even behind on blogging and blog reading, which of course, is the more important of these tasks.. but STILL! THE OUTRAGE! THE TRAGEDY OF IT ALL!

So I am taking it one day at a time and not jumping to December 25th before the turkey's even carved this week. However, it's not like I'm not being realistic about it. I do know there are only three paychecks before Christmas, which means since I've not done any shopping ahead of time, that a little frugality will have to be employed - also, I just decided I'm giving my mother cash. She can't stick that in a closet for a year and never wear it, right? Or leave it in the envelope it came in and forget about it after it's left or lost in a drawer somewhere like any of the many gift certificates I've given her for spa treatments, manicures, etc. Oh no. Cash talks. Cash walks. It practically slaps you in the face with its screaming of 'I'm the best present EVER!'

I sort of wish everyone was like my grandmother tho. She's always telling us not to get her anything because she's old and will die soon. Um.. thanks Gram. That's.. cheery.

So because the holiday is approaching, I thought a list would be appropriate because honestly, I barely have time to pack and get going on this eternal drive south I have to do tonight. I also had a date Monday night after I went to the gym, which was vital to my plan of attempting to counteract all the eating and not moving that is also planned this weekend. Loren and I had a best friend belated birthday date where we ate all the best fish in the whole wide world so lovingly prepared at my friend, Dan's, restaurant, Matt's In The Market and since we never spend time together unless I force him to share birthday parties with me, we languished over decadent food and good conversations.

And here we are today, where I have to mentally prepare myself to spend Five. Whole. Days. with my family and all their little dogs.. and shopping at the crack-of-ass dawn the day after thru manic crowds of people buying unnecessary things, waving their credit cards like zombies.. Ok.. that might be a little bit fun, especially if I come back with a cute little sweater number or something for me. Seriously, baby needs a new turtleneck.

Ok.. ANYWAY. Listing.. Go!

* Boys boys and more boys. Liking a couple, trying not to fall for one specifically and hoping I can live in the moment a bit longer.. but egads, it's tough when you'd rather have one person all to yourself because it's certainly not unreasonable to think you deserve someone who knows what he wants and part of that is him wanting only you. I hate being that girl who's waiting. Pfffft. That's how I feel about that.

* Work has been stressful in uber amounts. Not enough people, not enough time, everything rushed. My boss is frustrating, change is hard, and I have no idea how these new positions are going to improve anything. No one believes it will. I guess we'll see come December 1st when the re-org hits. I'm bracing myself. I am braced.

* Do you know that Shine is the best baker on the planet? You probably don't. But I'm going to tell you. She made two loaves of banana bread last week and ohmygod. Seriously, best I've ever had. She, of course, thought it bland and in need of nutmeg. I denounced that idea right there, I did! I bet her baking skills alone could bring about world peace. I mean, really, how can you bomb a building when you're sitting there raving about baked goods? I ask you..

* I was just wondering.. what do you think Britney will be thankful for this year? That she was one of the only celebrities who didn't end up in jail? But just barely.

* I bet you can't guess how many movies I'm going to be forced to watch this weekend. I bet you can't.. so I'll help you. My guess is.. 73. This includes every animated feature by Disney and Pixar most likely. True story. The damn tv is on all the time at Mom's house and with all the family there and 85 kids and grandkids and someone else's kids it will be unavoidable. If I go blind by the end of this weekend, you'll know why.

* Cheese, wine and bread are pretty much my winter staples. Do you know these are fattening? This should be against the law. Who do I have to write? Who do I email? Is there a congressman or a senator? Maybe one who's preferably drunk and chewing on a bit of olive bread with brie on it? I'm just saying.

* Ok ok. I guess I should list what I'm thankful for, but I sort of did it on my birthday post: My friends (you all know who you are - and most don't read this blog anyway.. ahem), my family, a roof over my head, my cute kitty, the love I feel around me, the ability to give that love back freely, the perspective to keep seeing my mistakes and trying to prevent how I can stop making them in the first place, my fabulous new roomie, Shine and her dog, Moo, and um.. bread, wine and cheese! What? I'm thankful for them so very much! I really am!

I hope you all have a wonderful holiday weekend filled with family and friends and fantastic food. I will raise a spoonful of my cranberry sauce in toast to you all!

Curtain Call

So the first week of 36 has been a whirlwind of activity. I've come home exhausted every night this week from something and the days have been long and filled with fantasies of napping. Seriously.

Birthday recovery evolved to a a night out on the town on Tuesday to see Into The Woods with Shine, that tho it's our favorite musical, was only a lukewarm production. That touch of disappointment was quickly replaced with a high level of stress and almost tears while trying to create programs for MonoLodge III, the show I'm producing for Unicycle, which in turn did nothing to prevent the combo rush of adrenaline and anger over a co-worker's nose-butting where it didn't belong and consequently a very long discussion with HR today. Yes, aren't you just exhausted from reading about it? Yet, the bonus - and I mean that literally - is that there will be a promotion with a subsequent title change, the programs turned out beautifully with only one teensy misspelling of someone's name, but Shine helped me get them done for free - a double good thing - and the rest of the weekend is looking rather hopeful.

The show opens tonight amidst much excitement. I've no doubt it's going to be a success because it's already run smoother than the last two they've put together. I had a lovely chat with one of the founders last night about how they'd like me to continue to be involved, produce again if I'd like, and how we should all sit down to discuss future roles and ideas and actually, what I'd like to see come out of it for me. It's been a long time since someone asked me what I wanted - really wanted - out of something.. and I didn't have an answer at the time, but it felt really good to be asked.

I also reached a very comfortable understanding with all the over-thinking I was doing regarding all these boys. I really did just forget how to live moment to moment and once I stopped freaking out remembered, things sort of fell into a lovely space of getting to know the two men who currently have my curiosity piqued.

Boris and I started out as friends, but we had a fairly magnetic chemistry from the second we met back in March. We had no choice but to be friends if we wanted to know each other because he wasn't single at the time and tho we did hang out, friendship was all it was. So when that relationship did actually end, to my surprise, there was a bit of confusion and drunken evenings and space taken til I finally just decided that I'd rather be with him however we could figure it out than not at all. So because of all that, I think we're a pretty natural couple. There's a great sense of just genuinely liking each other. I make him laugh. He brings me zen. That seems to bode well so far.

The Actor and I met thru mutual theatre friends.. very casually a few different times after various improv shows, drinks in hand. A few Facebook messages here and there and there I was out with him on a date and tho I wasn't sure he was exactly my type, he was suddenly cute, new.. kind.. but kind of just friendly. After a few more of these, I finally just had to ask if we were really dating cuz honestly, I wasn't sure. He, of course, confirmed that we were so I had a better idea. But he's busier than I am and we aren't seeing each other very often. It forces patience, which = good, tho it does keep us from getting to know each other in a more steadier fashion. When we do see each other, we have a good time, but it's just different than time with Boris. The Actor and I aren't yet as close, but who knows how that will change in time.

Both the men in my life as well as my group of friends completely spoiled me for my birthday. I felt wrapped in a glowing circle of love and affection like I haven't felt in years. I couldn't stop smiling. There was candlelight and drinks at the party, cake that was none like you've ever tasted - Loren had to get one each for both of us, carrot for him and Mexican chocolate for me - many drinks and many pictures. Then there was a dash downtown for some last-minute seats to improv which had the remainder of the party goers ending the night in laughter. The next night The Actor took me to a lovely dinner where we never actually ordered anything. It just all arrived at the table because he knew the semolier. It was rather glorious. Boris is also taking me to one of my favorite plays, Rosencrantz & Guildenstern Are Dead, next week.

I am constantly noticing how as I get older I'm more and more aware of every passing minute, of everything I still have yet to work on, of how things actually are sort of coming together - career, creativity, comfort, a sense of identity.. love. I feel like I'm making better choices, not stumbling so much, and trying to appreciate every little thing I can - friends, family, events, memories made. I've always been detailed, as you all have to know, but as I try to take in everything going on, I find it's sometimes harder to let go of them too. I hope I look back when I'm old and gray and recognize that I really lived, I really loved with everything I had, and I truly know who I am. I think I'm finally on the path that will get me there.. and it feels really good.

36 Happens

Hey you guys - um.. guess what? Did you know you can't stay 35 forever? Ok, well, I knew it too. Just testing you.

So hey, the last year has gone so fast.. hasn't it? Is it true that as you get older, time goes by faster? Or do you just forget that time actually passed?

Anyway.. HI! I was born THIS DAY! Let's focus on that! MY BIRTHDAY! YAY!

And over the course of this year.. I've learned stuff, right? I think I have.. so let's recap maybe.

* Last fall, Boz, my last ex, and I weren't even friends. Now we are. Pretty decent ones, actually. Not for lack of effort, that's for sure. But we chat, have fun together, celebrate birthdays. I like it. I think that's improvement.

* Jump to this last spring when a close girlfriend emailed me and told me we couldn't be friends anymore for reasons still unknown to me.. and in about 10 minutes, I learned how to instantly stop caring for someone I dearly loved.

* I took a trip to Black Rock City, Nevada for Burning Man with my good friend, Pixie. Something I really wasn't sure I'd ever do in my life, but she inspired me, tolerated me, made me feel a bit brave and a lot more proud of myself for camping an entire week in a dusty lake bed. It opened my eyes to new things and new people and gave us an experience that bonded us closer. I love that we'll always have that.

* There are actually times I don't interrupt people when they're talking - my customers, my friends.. I know! It's crazy! And shockingly, I'm not sure anyone has noticed.

* Unbelievably, other than the second point, and I let that go the moment I knew it was gone, there's been little to no drama this entire year. In fact, I know of some drama I was indirectly involved in and I actually stayed out of it! Yup, I know. You can pick your mouths up from off the floor now.

* In addition to not interrupting as much, I listen better, I'm more positive, I feel stronger and sometimes even smarter. I kick ass at Scrabble these days.

* I made two major purchases last year that made me so happy: My Mac that I LOOOOOVE and has consequently caused much more computer-addiction, but that's ok. I'm a COMMUNICATOR! It was necessary. Also, there was a shocking wake up call and a sad goodbye to the severely destroyed Focus due to last year's winter storm in December but that only led to the purchase of my current beauty, my shiny and zoom zoomy Mazda 3 that I love love love. We call her Miss Daisy because I drive her. She rocks.

* I'm not a lot closer with my family than I used to be, but it's better and it's so nice to see them so much happier these last years than they have been. Or maybe it's the way we're treating each other. I think we're all becoming friends and it's a nice transition.

* I'm a lot more comfortable with myself these days - with my goofiness, my body, my emotional capacity. I'm more myself now than I was last year - than any year before - calmer in some ways, happier in others. I accept not everyone will take to liking me, loving me, having any affinity for me whatsoever a lot more readily than I used to. Hey.. I'm not everyone's cup of tea.. and that's really ok. That kind of popularity's a bitch.

* I watched my niece, Lulu, turn 1 and start to look more like her mother every day as she demolished her birthday cake and wiped it all over her party dress. She walks now and last time I saw her, she walked right over to me and motioned for me to pick her up and sit her in my lap. My heart grows two sizes every time she smiles at me.

* I feel blessed. I have great friends, a great new roommate and a happy home, a job that isn't sucking the life out of me and in which I may be promoted in a month, enough affection to keep me smiling and secure and feeling a sense of being cared for.

* Also this morning, Miss Shine got up before me, which was unusual, I got in the shower and when I came out, there was a bouquet of daisies on the table and four big mylar balloons - three stars and a bigger silver one that says 'Happy Birthday' waiting for me. Um.. also also, there maybe even were Cinnabon cinnamon rolls in the oven! FOR ME! THEN she served one up, all toasty warm with a candle in it and sang me her family's special birthday song! Aren't you frickin jealous?! You still can't have her, in case you forgot. I think she might be one of the best birthday gifts this year.

I've lived this year. A lot more ups than downs, which I think depends on how you look at it all. This was a pretty good year. Mostly, I remember smiling a lot.

So I'll officially be 36 at 10:58pm tonight and will raise a plastic glass filled with something alcoholic just before Spin The Bottle starts, where my friends and I will be tonight, and I'll wish myself another good year that doesn't fall in my lap, but rather that I make happen. I did it this year. I consciously asked the universe to provide happiness and strength, but I made a deal that if the opportunities were presented, good or bad, I would roll with either and make lemonade out of the lemons, find the silver lining in the dark clouds.. or any other cliché as long as the universe worked with me and not against me. Course it could've just been that my perspective changed a little too.

That's right people.. it's called growth. Whoo hoo! I'll take another year of that please!

Playing The Game And Fouling Out

I'm on the precipice of a moral dilemma. Well.. sort of. I'm dating.. I'm dating a lot. Not being introduced to someone new every week. Nothing like that. I'm dating a few people that I'm getting to know little by little, every time I spend and evening out.. or in.. with them. And I like it. It feels good. It feels sane, at least for me.

I'm a girl who never used to be able to separate love and sex. Or rather.. I couldn't separate the emotion from sex. I had the emotion. I felt the attachment. The guy didn't understand because to him it was just sex. Of course he liked me.. but he was also a guy.. driven by a natural sexual desire and that's simply all it was. Whereas for me.. I'm more an emotional creature. Sex can connect the emotion for me and make it stronger. Not all women are like that, but I would say it's more common with women than men.

As I get older, there are times I feel ready to settle down, fall in love, possibly start a family or get a couple of dogs, buy a house.. feel a real sense of belonging. And I had that feeling up until recently.. when the Cute Boy Gate was suddenly left wide open or Timing finally worked in my favor, which never happens, and I was being pursued. Often and by many. I know. I'm as surprised as you are because hi.. where were these people the rest of this year? When the last 9 or 10 months have been a frickin dating desert?! I ask you.. where? And now, there are choices and maybe that sounds wrong to some people.. tarting it up or not openly discussing who and how many with every single person because it hasn't come up, but I'm willing to be honest about whatever they want to know. They haven't exactly asked either.. and that tells me that a) they don't want to know.. or, more than likely, b) they're doing the exact same thing.

I've been told by male friends tho that once a guy finds out he has competition, the tables will turn on me. Men don't like knowing you have other possibilities. Also, if they ask you if you're seeing other people, they have to be prepared to answer the same question and I think that's unsettling for some of them since it could ultimately lead to a related conversation of wanting or not wanting something monogomous and/or *GASP* committed!

But tho I like to think I'm hip and open-minded.. I'm still me and I know I'll go back and forth between wanting to feel sexy and free to be with whomever I wish.. and maybe wanting just one person to get close to and brush my teeth with at night. It waivers when I start to have those tingly feelings in my stomach and there's one person so far this could maybe be happening with, but Timing, not being on my side EVER (Hi.. uh, yeah.. Timing? Can we talk about this bi-polar/love-hate thing you have with me? What did I ever do to you?!) will be keeping this person distanced emotionally from me to a degree for an undetermined amount of time. Not to mention, I just realized, that when he does want something monogamous, and he's said he will eventually because that's in his nature, that I thought for some reason, he was going to pick me. Not that he's ever given me any indication of that at all, like with actual words or something audible like that. Sigh.. I hate being a girl sometimes.

There's been no talk of commitments.. just disclosure - what to tell each other. What's my business and what isn't when it comes to talking about these other people we're seeing? I'm really open and if they want to know, all they need to do is ask, yet, he never does and well.. we all know I do because I feel it's necessary - just for my sanity, which at the beginning you remember I said this dating multiple people thing was helping me maintain. But um.. have we ever discussed how maybe it's me who's bi-polar? Ugh.

And when should I just accept whatever information he wants to provide? Because to me, the more info = the more secure I am because I know what's going on and I know where I stand. Not that I need to know extreme details, but as I'm writing this.. I think God.. it's not my business who he's seeing if I'm willing to be a part of something casual right now.. which means I might not be able to continue with this casual path for too long because I've simply grown too attached to this one person and it's not in my nature to be able to avoid jealousies nor do I have this amazing ability to share those I'm intimate with. So it's a matter of how patient I can be and how much I can protect myself and that just means limiting what I give of me, including my availability. And it also means I have to continue to date others and if someone else comes along who's pretty great.. then.. that might change things..

This one likes me. That I know for sure, but he's happy living things moment to moment right now.. and at the same time, actually wants to work on this communication issue we have, which is admirable and I appreciate, but I don't understand. Why would a guy want to work on a relationship that he can't see any further into but the present? Maybe that's more a question for Indy and his readers. Maybe I just don't understand the guy perspective and/or motivation clearly enough. Maybe I'm making it more complicated than it is.

Maybe I should get a hobby.

Keanu Doesn't Bake Either

She answered my ad for a roommate with an email that included a top ten list:

Top 10 Reasons I'd be a Fantastic Housemate!

10. I can balance food on my nose and catch it in my mouth. HOURS of entertainment! Great family fun!

9. I have a tennis trophy. I'd let you hold it and pretend it's a Grammy award or an Oscar and I'll listen to your acceptance speech.

8. I can quote Friends at the drop of a hat. Seriously. If you have a life problem, I can solve it for you by using a Friends quote. Example? Let's say you have a fear of heights. I'd just say, "Face your fears! You're afraid of heights? You climb to the top of the Empire State Building! Afraid of bugs?. . .uh. . .get a bug!"

7. I don't like to brag, because I'm oh so humble, but I can bake a MEAN chocolate chip cookie. Seriously. Best you'll ever have.

6. I would give someone $1 to buy a soda and I WOULDN'T EVEN MAKE THAT PERSON PAY ME BACK!

5. I'd play hopscotch with you. We could bring hopscotch back with a vengeance! And then, every time they play hopscotch in the Olympics, they'd talk about how, back in 2007, we brought hopscotch back. With a vengeance, they'll say.

4. I'm a good rhymer. And I don't mean like rime, which is frosty and covers everything in the winter time. I mean like hat and cat. But even better than that.

3. I can rap Eminem's Lose Yourself without messing up more than 3 times.

2. I'll drop your name in conversations. Let's say I'm grocery shopping and I have a question about the freshness of the tilapia. Here's how I'd phrase my question to the fishmonger:"Excuse me, sir? Could you please tell me how fresh your tilapia is? Also, (your name here) is awesome. Oooh, is that Alaskan salmon?"

1. I don't screw people over. Because that would make me a jerkface. And I wouldn't want to be a jerkface, especially after I made a Top Ten List.

So yes. There you go. More about me? My name is Shine* and I'm 26 (blahblahblah.. more stuff about her that she'd probably prefer I didn't plaster all over the InterWeb).

I should confess something, before I go any further in this email: I sing in the shower *and* when I'm cooking. This might not seem important but I'm really not the greatest singer of our time. I'm not even the greatest singer of days of Yore. I could have *maybe* held my own in Yester Year though, but please don't quote me on that.

Now, here's my Important Thing: I come with a very sweet and *very* mellow Chocolate Lab. Her name is Moo** and she's in training for her first half-marathon. She wears butterfly wings when we go running because she lost a bet. Moo's hobbies include sleeping, sleeping, moving to the other side of the room and sleeping, running, following me around the kitchen whilst I cook, hoping I toss her a piece of asparagus or a garlic clove, sleeping, and playing tug of war with her favorite blanket. Moo has never, ever snapped at anyone or anything. If you'd like to do a background check on her, let me know and I'll send you her SS# and date of birth. She's happy to provide references upon request. She'd also enjoy making her own Top Ten list, should you require it.

I just realized I wrote more about my dog than I did about myself. Awesome.

I'm open to any questions you might have, so feel free ask! In the meantime, have a lovely day and eat something delicious!

Warmly,
Shine

*******

So I responded appropriately:

OhMYgod.. can you move in now?

*******

She was so funny that I told her I may just have to write a whole blog post about her.. like now.. if she didn't mind.. and she wrote back:

Please feel free to post anything I write anywhere. It's all part of my theory that the more exposure I get, the sooner Keanu Reeves will find me and ask me to be his plaything. And honestly? That will be the best day of my LIFE.

Ain't no sunshine when I'm gone,
Shine

* Gasp *

And there it was.. in all its illumintating shock and awe. Her only fault seems to be this irrational affinity for Keanu Reeves and I explained further when she asked what some of my likes and dislikes were that he was noted on the dislikes, but he wasn't alone:

Keanu Reeves & Winona Ryder - both winners of Miss D's Unable To Act Out Of Paper Bag award and honorary Why Do We Still Care About You People ribbons.

Yet she persisted:

Part of the beauty of Keanu is that he *can't* act. At all. Yet people keep hiring him, which intrigues me. Why do they keep hiring him? It must be because he's the greatest talent of our time. I keep waiting for him to bust out some phenomenal acting chops in a role and shock the hell out of everyone in the entire world. When that happens, wars and violence will end. Children will receive excellent public education. We will travel, as a planet, back to a simpler time where there is no pollution or poverty. All because Keanu Reeves finally acted his way out of that paper bag.

But I completed our discussion:

Wow. It's really sad that Keanu will never ever surprise anyone ever in the history of the whole world like you think might be possible because now all the children will stay stupid and poor and mean people will still exist and gays will never get married.. Maybe you should tell him about this weight he unknowingly carries so he can put himself out of his misery.. and ours.

Or so I thought:

And whatever. Keanu is pretty. And you'll owe me a cookie when he saves mankind.

So ok.. she might have me there.. but although Keanu and his saving of the entire world is pretty far fetched, the girl is pretty great. Yesterday, PMS was all up in my business and messing with my day for no good reason, but when I got home, she was just finishing baking two loaves of pumpkin bread AND a couple dozen chocolate chip cookies. With extra chocolate chips!! How much does she rock? I know.. SO much. Hey.. don't get any ideas. Back off! She's mine!

* Yes I helped with her nickname/blog alias. Plus, she's very shiny.. and not in an oily way.
** Yes, even the dog needed one too. Plus we do call her that. So there.

Birds Of A Feather

We met thru someone neither of us know any longer. She was distant and protected, I could tell, but there was something bright about her that I gravitated towards.

On a day her heart had been broken, coffee plans were replaced with making sure she knew she didn't have to be alone in her broken-ness. And we've been friends ever since.

I find her to be one of the most magnetic people I've ever met, not to mention one of the most beautiful spirits, inside and out.

She's taught me not to wait for Halloween to dress up and in that vein, how I can still be me, but freer. I would like to think I've shown her not all female friendships are competitive and that the good ones deserve maintenance, but also, that they're not so difficult if they're based in love and mutual appreciation.

Honestly, I drive her crazy sometimes.. and she's frustrated me a few times as well. Like any relationship - friend or lover - fighting doesn't mean it's not a good partnership and when the misunderstandings are aired out, we are better friends and closer for it.

She's going to relocate one day soon. Too soon. I can't discuss it at all because simply thinking about it makes me all selfish and sad.

I don't agree with people who say we only have one soul mate in life and define them as purely a romantic interest. I think you get a few who come to you thru different avenues and who provide an important connection that you cling to and feed off of. She is one of those people for me and I have no idea how I'm going to say goodbye to her when she goes. I don't think she knows that I'm simply not going to let her leave.

Part 5: The Never-Ending Story And Maybe A Few Things That Happened A Lot More Recently

So you guys.. I didn't mean for this story to continue on for like.. a century plus infinity times forever. I didn't. Honest! And I would like to finish it. I mean, I would frickin LOVE to finish this story, which is what I'm going to attempt to do here, TODAY.. but yours truly is so damn busy all of a sudden that it really is hard to find the time for my blogging obligations.

I don't mean to make excuses, but seriously, cute men might come before you. I hate to say it, but I just can't lie about it and seriously you would not believe my options have exponentially increased. I mean, I'm no mathematician, but zero + anything is exponential, right? Something like that. Either way, it sort of rocks.

Why is it always feast or famine tho? Can someone tell me? Is there a season the Cute Boy Gate is opened? And who's in charge of that? Can I write a letter? Send an email? Is there a schedule? Because wow.. I'm not complaining, but it's almost difficult to choose at this time, which is exactly why I'm not because hi.. I'm not that stupid.

There is also this producing gig I'm doing for the theatre company, Unicycle, that I'm part of. You guys.. I'm a producer! I'm the producer! That title doesn't suck, does it? No. No it does not. But it means I have Official Work To Do and Vast Responsibilities for the show coming up in November that include but aren't limited to arranging all the people, making sure all their information is correct, I have ushers and food for the after party and programs and press releases to um.. release and God I hope I don't suck at this cuz it would be not so good for me and my friends would have to remove my producer crown and I sort of maybe super-glued it on so that would be painful. So wish me luck!

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The Burning Man Extravaganza Finished Once And For All - No Really, This Time It's Going To Happen I Swear!


After all the excitement of the dirty dirty storm, we were pretty starved and came up with a great idea to join forces and supplies with our neighboring camps and created a nice little Mexican feast together. Kat, being exhausted from her social schedule that kept her out til past dawn most days, crashed immediately afterwards until right when I was about to leave for the evening. She was still so tired she could barely communicate so I told her to sleep and I'd walkie her later about the events going on.

Out on the playa, the population had grown immensely. You could feel the energy of everyone's communal excitement and anticipation for the burn on Saturday. But since it was the start of the weekend, there were various other things going on involving plenty of fire. I discovered an Inca-like temple earlier on in the week and when I rode by it Friday night, there was a smaller burn ceremony happening there. I was actually on my way over to Crude Awakening, the oil derrick and its statues, as it was supposed to be burned that night too, but while leaving the burn of this Incan temple, this random boy said he'd heard they weren't doing it that night and instead were going to do it on Saturday after they burned the Man. Then he gave me a little green stained glass dragonfly ornament. Odd exchange.. and yet welcomed.

Having to always find out things for myself, I headed out to the oil derrick and sure enough, I heard people saying what I'd already been told and the lights were out that had lit up the installation so you couldn't see it anyway. Disappointed, I walkied Kat to tell her not to rush now, but she was already fast asleep - poor exhausted thing - so on my own I went in search of other entertainment.

I killed a couple of hours just taking in the sites, dancing at different places and finally ended at Opulent Temple around 2:00 on the Esplanade where I'd heard Paul Oakenfold, a well-known trance dj, was going to be spinning at 11pm. Tho it was a little early, I thought I'd find a little spot to groove where I could see the action and planted my wiggly self on the middle platform right in front. Pixie found me and for a while cut a few rugs with me, but then mosied on to find other distractions. I chatted up the two girls next to me from Toronto and we busied ourself bordering our places on the platform and keeping it to ourselves. We had a great location.

Because people kept coming and going out of the dj booth, I asked the boy dancing next to me if he knew if one of them was Paul Oakenfold and he said no, but he'd point him out to me when he came on. Boy and I kept chatting it up, just friendly, but I had to eye him after a bit because he had on these fabulous american flag/Uncle Sam pants that you couldn't not notice. Then I maybe really checked him out. Thick, blonde hair, sorta wavy, great smile, nice guy.. sort of looked like Fred from Scooby Doo actually. And I thought.. can't be gay. And also.. hi.. CUTE!

So we danced for hours, chatted more, went back to his RV (which hellooo, an RV! Not a tent! This was extravagance!) right next to the club because he was part of the Opulent Temple camp, met some of his friends who were all really cool and also, headed out on their own site-seeing/dancing missions, and then we found ourselves alone in the RV, got a little more comfortable and got to know each other a little better. Ahem. Boy was a corporate securities lawyer in San Francisco. Of course! Successful and cute? Has to live out of town. He couldn't have been sweeter tho. Very cool guy.

The next morning - YES, we're now at Saturday! Whoo hoo! - once it started to get hot, someone got up and turned on the AIR CONDITIONING! Dear God, it was genius! Through groggy eyes a light went on in my head and I thought.. next year, the RV is the way to go. And I went back to cuddling with my blonde attorney.

We slept later than I had all week and his friends couldn't stop talking about the doughnuts they were going to make and how I had to stay for them. People.. doughnuts! Homemade! Dipped in cinnamon, sugar and cocoa. That's what I had for breakfast! It was WAY better than trail mix and apple sauce, I'll tell you that. They were like a little pastry orgasm, they were so good. And while his friend was making that, everyone chatted, got dressed and made plans for the burn later. But time was passing quite fast being around 3pm already so my attorney and I got a move on towards the other side of the playa to get in some dancing.


We headed towards 9:00 and H or I street where The Deep End was going strong, but before we got too far, a margarita bar appeared out of no where like an alcoholic's oasis. We heard the rumbling of a blender - a blender, people - and we stopped on a dime to take part. We were very quickly handed a cup filled to the brim and then we smelled a barbecue going. It was silly to be shocked by it all again, but the whole idea of a motorcycle engine powered blender and margaritas in the middle of the frickin desert still had me giggling like a little kid unbelieving this magical adult playground we were in.

Not to be delayed too long from our central goal of the day, we continued on to the main afternoon event at The Deep End. There were a few hundred people there easily, the music was incredibly awesome and I was still taking in all the people-watching there was to do.
Exhibitionists with little on, a staged show that The Deep End put on themselves - one with all guys, another with all girls - and then every so often, someone would come out with a nuclear-sized power washer and spray down the crowd, who acted like parched revelers worshipping their sun god. I kept asking myself where else in the entire world were you going to find something like this? No where.. ever.

Tho The Attorney and I were getting rather cozy while dancing, it was starting to get late. He'd invited me to hang out with him for the big burn so we left The Deep End, stopped by my camp to pick up things and introduced him to Kat and Pixie (who both gave me the he's-way-cute looks and a couple of thumbs up as I mouthed 'lawyer' and 'I so rock, right?' or something to that effect), and then we were off again.

On the way up 7:30, we had to stop mid-way for a pre-burn drink at the Abstinithe Camp (Get it? You get it, right? Ok.. fyi, it took me like three trips riding by this place to get it.. I kept thinking, man they misspelled that.. Yes, I know, Mensa really missed the boat on me, right?) and I'd never had absinthe before. And I found out why. Ew. Wow. Strong. But they had over 50, that's FIFTY, kinds of infused absinthe. They burned the sugar into it and everything - and man it was still yucky, but they gave us real glasses and a strong pour and we sat down, talked to some lovely people, and drank away while munching on fresh slices of watermelon.

We were definitely feeling.. something, what I didn't really know as I didn't know what to expect, but then, back at the RV, half of a 'chocolate' heart found its way accidentally into my hands and I was told to eat it.. so um.. I did. And The Attorney took ate his half as well. It was all very hallucinogenic romantic.

We were a tad late getting to the burn, but it didn't matter. The ceremony had started but it was just the collective group of fire dancers en masse and a few large drum circles. Very Survivor-esque but you know.. better and with 50,000 people. The high level of energy was palpable.

With great fanfare, they lit The Man and the crowd cheered big and loud. Then we stood around for a long time waiting for the damn thing to fall down. I tell you, I was like.. this is it? It was.. well.. kind of boring. And it would've been more so, but I was starting to lose my balance, which was a bit unnerving as I was standing completely still and not moving. The Attorney noticed he was feeling the same way, but we didn't know if it was the absinthe or our bit of digested candy. Either way, the clouds and the moon were doing this fantastic kaleidescope dance and I was fairly enamored with all the lights and booming bass from our Vegas-plus-Mad Max-on-acid surroundings.

We heard the kids next to us gushing over what we eventually figured out was an engagement. A very sweet boy literally pimped out in a pimp-style hat and coat and pierced a couple of different ways had proposed to his girlfriend with a faux-hawk and just as many piercings right when they lit The Man on fire. She was showing off her ring like a any blushing bride-to-be as she relayed the details exactly how they happened to the gay boy who'd overheard and instantly became her new best friend. And it was all rather adorable.

After what literally seemed like an hour of staring at The Man and waiting for him to fall down, he finally did. Hallelujah! It was then time to walk over to the oil derrick because one burn for a Saturday surely wasn't enough. Except The Attorney and I noticed that we were having quite the difficult time walking, but not that we were bothered in the least, in fact, we were grinning from ear to ear and giggling like idiots.. and um.. nothing was really that funny. But everything was very pretty!

Because of what we heard to be an overdose by a girl near the oil derrick, we waited for close to three hours, along with the rest of the playa, for something to happen and the natives were getting restless. We were right in front of the border the rangers had set up a good distance away from the structure for safety, but after two hours of being told the ceremony would start 'any minute', we left the crowd in search of a more comfortable place to watch back at the RV. We found ourselves a random couch under a loungy tent probably half a mile or more away from where we were, but with a perfect view.

The fireworks finally started and after a few minutes of that, they lit the fire.. and then what surprised everyone was a gigantic boom no one expected. Fire rose up about a half mile into the sky forming the biggest mushroom cloud I'd ever witnessed and we felt the heat on our faces even from the distance we'd settled ourselves. We couldn't imagine what it would've felt like had we stayed in our original places. See it for yourself. There are other videos there too that show it from different perspectives and get in all the fireworks prior to the explosion, but this is the best one showing how expansive and overwhelming it really was.

Afterwards, the playa was busy with the dispersing human traffic heading to other venues. The Attorney and I retired to the RV to be alone and tho we could've stayed up all night as one of my other favorite trance dj's, Christopher Lawrence, was spinning at the Opulent Temple next door, we were both pretty exhausted and fell asleep to the lullaby of heavy bass.

On Sunday morning, I said goodbye to The Attorney's friends and he and I left for my 'home' across the playa except that my tricked-out ride wasn't where I'd left it in front of their RV. It'd been pinched! This was totally frustrating because seriously, the walk back was long, it was frickin hot for just 11am and I was also worried because it wasn't mine. It was Pixie's and she'd mentioned hers was stolen the night before. Oh the tragedy!

We made it half way to Center Camp for something cold to break up the walk in the heat and it was buzzing with the energy of the last day. A barista stood up on the counter and announced a fellow burner's gernerosity of buying all the drinks that $20 could buy for the people behind him as well as reminding the rest of us that this was what Burning Man's purpose was - to go out and make someone's day. Clapping and cheers followed.. and when we got to the front of our line, our drinks had also been paid for by a burner trumping the former $20 gift with his own $100 spot. So tho my bike was stolen, there was still a gift offered. Not a precise replacement, but not a bad start to the day after all.

At my camp, The Attorney wrote down his info, we said our goodbyes and the girls gathered around to hear my stories from the last couple of days since I'd been pretty absent doing my own thing. Then there was just a collective look between the three of us and we decided we were all probably ready to head home. Pixie needed to stay to see if she could retrieve any or all of the 'borrowed' bikes and had friends to caravan with. Kat and I packed up as much as we could in her little ride, arrived in the line around 4pm and noticed it stretched on for miles. It took about two and a half hours of going no miles an hour, but when we finally hit paved road, we couldn't have been happier.

On the way, we discovered a gas station open all night who, thru a stroke of genius, set up a backyard barbecue for the traveling burners and we ate like the desert survivors we were, crashed at a very cute motel and had the first shower and first solid sleep we'd had in a full week.

During the drive, there was a lot of the-week-in-review talk.. but Kat summed it up best, I thought, when she declared, rather out of no where about the rest of the world we were passing by, "All these people.. they have no idea." And without any explanation, I knew exactly what she meant.

For a girl who hates dirt and camping, I can't wait to go back. I completely understand the signs now that said 'Welcome home' when we first arrived. That's what it feels like and all three of us, with other friends, are already making plans for next year. Treena is even slated to join us. Maybe some of you out there will as well and if so, please make sure to find our camp and say hello. Cheers!

Look how we clean up! And OH! How tan! Ok, that's what tan looks like on Kat.

Part 4: The Weather's Beautiful! Wish You Were Here!

Here's where things start to get confusing. My intention in telling my little Burning Man story wasn't to go day by day. I thought two posts.. maybe three at most.. but I've found that, to no surprise to all of my five readers, I'm just too damn detailed and want to remember every bit that I can myself. I enjoy reliving it as well as trying to share this experience that truly is something that can hardly be described and really needs to be witnessed for yourself. That being said, I don't think I'm doing half bad - tho like I said - this is where I may have lost myself in the storytelling.

I left off on Wednesday night and I just realized that maybe most of that happened on Thursday. Also I just remembered I completely forgot the bit about the crazy guy who lit The Man on fire early and was arrested! And this is where you say, oh well, like it matters.. but see, it does to me! Also because I'm also realizing that honestly, I think I'm a bit OCD. No, really. Not to the point I need to rewrite the last few posts.. or shut doors six times or anything.. but it does point to the fact that all the days sort of ran together, tho the storms and my camera-losing were fairly specific time markers. Still the wandering on Wednesday night with Kat and her friends happened and the meeting of Random Guy and wandering on my own. The tiff with Pixie, losing the camera, and the first big storm were definitely Thursday. Again, you're saying.. uh.. doesn't matter.. move along.. which.. yes! Getting to now! Ok!

Finishing Thursday - for realz.

One of my favorite things that happened at Burning Man was something I never even witnessed, but I discovered after I returned home. It's called The White Procession and is just a silent walk out to the Temple Of Forgiveness on Thursday morning at dawn. The video intro is a bit lengthy, but stick with it, because the whole thing is beautiful. I really can't describe it more than that. You have to see it for yourself.

Thursday was the only day I made actual plans. And, fyi, no one makes plans for the most part at Burning Man. You just can't. You are like a child newly diagnosed with ADD and you're pulled in so many directions that even the most planny-type person would be late and distracted and would forget where they were originally headed. Not that I'm one of those people. Planny yes. On time.. um.. no.. but yay that I was so accepted!

I'd met this very nice person at the little coffee camp I was frequenting most mornings who happened to be a part of the Cirque Bezerk camp, which was just a small little camp of oh, about 250 people. Now THEY were planny type people. They had a real circus top tent that came with clowns and acrobats and fire dancery people and everything. And they were putting on a show on Thursday for sure around 8pm. That was the only thing I was set on seeing because of all things that Burning Man embodied, the circus always seemed to be the first thing that came to mind so I was thrilled there was actually a real live circus on site with all its circusy folk there. Who knew?!

I stopped by my shiny friend Sparkle/Mark's camp on the way, but he was sleeping, so I rode over to the big top on my own. Like every event there 'planned' for a certain time, it wasn't even close to hitting 8pm sharp. More like 9:30.. and then it wasn't Cirque Bezerk performing that night, but one of the other circus camps they were hosting so tho the performances were random and kind of funny and included a very cute clown who stripped down to nothing just because.. eventually there were just one too many fire jugglers/dancers/twirly type things going on. I sort of felt like there were three hours I saw a lot of the same thing I'd already seen. Fire dancing and juggling are great, but after so much of it, I would like someone to come up with something new. Maybe some spontaneous combustion? I don't know.. it's a thought.

Before the show started, an older guy called Flowers struck up a conversation with me about the circus camp and while we were sitting together kept saying who he'd introduce me to and where we would go next and I was ok with it at first. Then his 'friends' arrived. One was a blonde woman with fake boobs named Bubbles. It was appropriate. Later, we'd run into her again before Flowers and I parted ways, and ironically, she'd be the only one in the group who'd remember my name.

Unfortunately for Flowers, he did what Random Guy did the night before and I found myself inexplicably stuck with someone who probably thought there was more connection established than there really was. When he started talking about his former relationships and how hooking up at Burning Man wasn't actually as easy as some people thought, I knew I needed to be moving on and found a delicate way out.

Lucky for all of you I think that was the rest of the night.. Yay for you.

So FRIDAY.

Friday was The Best Day. Definitely my favorite. First and foremost because I was up relatively early, was bathed and ready for the day - which you seriously don't think is a huge deal til you're there, but if you can beat the sun and aren't boiling in your tent while you're baby wiping all your 1000 parts, then it makes ALL the difference, I promise you - and off I went to my favoritest little coffee camp for some caffeine and some friendly chat to start my day.

After that, I went for breakfast at 9:00 where the Pancake Playhouse camp was set up and got myself in line. Talking with the other anxious Pancake Waiters, I realized I was supposed to bring my own plate, but if not, someone would give me theirs since everyone was encouraged to reuse things like that. And I'm not one to be grossed out by someone's syrupy plate - well, not until Real Life Homeless Guy approached me - and as I was trying to figure out why this guy really and truly looked actually homeless - at an event where tickets cost actual money - and asked me if I wanted his plate - a plate that was sort of pathetic looking with half-eaten pancakes.. but I didn't really know the rules and felt obligated so I said, "Sure," rather unconvincingly. When I took a good look at the gift that I'd been offered, I noticed that in addition to leftover pancakes, there were a couple of yummy strings of hair. HAIR! ON THE PLATE! ALL SYRUPY! EW EW EW!

I was actually speechless for a moment and sort of looked at the other people around me like.. 'Help.. please?' Then a very lovely older woman holding an entire package of new paper plates sweetly asked, "Honey, would you like a clean plate?" and I thought I was going to kiss her. Not that anyone would've thought that was weird there.. but my point is, I was oh-so grateful.

Fully caffeinated and fed, off I went towards the main goal of the morning: to retrieve my lost camera.

I stood in line at the Lost & Found trailer with a few other people until each of them had taken their turn for their question - one for his misplaced backpack, one for her stolen bike, another for her cousin's boots she wore to Center Camp and accidentally left there (??) - and each were denied. So when it was finally my turn, I looked at my gifter earnestly, described the specifics of my little Sony camera and watched him shut his door secretly to go in search of my request. He opened the door, like the keeper of the Emerald City from The Wizard Of Oz, but nicer, and asked me what I last took pictures of. Trying not to hope too much, I told him they were of the statues at the oil derrick and he shut the door again, opened it up just a few seconds later, and there was my hot little camera staring me in the face. He barely got out, "Is this it?" before I was jumping up and down, hands in the air, and hugging him a big thank you. One of the other guys in line gave me a full double high five on my way out. Yes, it was going to be a good day!

You'd think the day couldn't get any better, but you'd think wrong. Oh it got better. Exponentially. There was an awesome tarot reading right after that by an even awesomer chain-smoking tarot reader guy who told me I was going to 'live to be an old broad' because who doesn't like to hear that? His tent was also connected to the Secret Exchange where there was a secret board. Read a secret, tell a secret and I didn't leave any, but I did take pictures of everyone else's. And.. AND you know what else? BACON. Yes! A girl, part of the crazy chain-smoking tarot reader's camp, was grilling mapley-smelling bacon right outside and offering it to passers-by who could barely believe it themselves! Oh you have no idea my absolute joy! It was really really good bacon.

Back at camp, Kat and I decided we'd get ice for the neighbors and ourselves, but when we got there, they'd actually run out completely. They expected it anytime between then and a couple of hours later so Kat said she was going to go off on her own and if she found ice from one of the other spots she'd get some and I agreed to do the same wanting to get some dancing in around the corner at the most popular day club called The Deep End.

I shook my booty for a little while when I felt a little call for ice and I was right, it had just arrived. While standing in line, I overheard a couple talking about the weather and saying things like, "Oh man, that looks really bad," while scanning what was beginning to be less blue sky. When I asked them what they were talking about, they informed me that this storm that was coming was Officially Bad and would have 60 mile an hour winds. And also, rain. Rain = bad on the playa. Rain + playa dirt = instant mud = yuck. Some math, eh? Hey, it's a gift.

They were warning people to get off the playa, which would be why when I was headed towards the ice tent that 4,503 people had been riding the opposite way towards me. And why some guy was then standing on top of a large truck with a megaphone telling people that this was not a joke and to find somewhere to ride out the storm. At this point, I listened, broke out of the line, and started heading back to my camp. Now, keep in mind, I was at 9:00 and Arctic and I only had to get to 7:25 and Jungle (remembering that the cross streets were alphabetic) so it really wasn't that far.. but before I even got to Desert Street, visibility was almost gone. I got off my bike and started walking with it like everyone else was doing, but most of the street signs had been stolen - which is normal I guess for jackasses people who want to take every little bit of memorabilia with them - so we had little idea of where the fuck we were, which did nothing for stressing me out any less. Luckily, we all helped each other get to where we were going, I found Jungle and took a left.. into the direction of the wind, which dear God, was not at all pleasant. You couldn't see more than five feet in any direction and the 'air' around you turned to a dark orange color. The earlier mention of Wizard Of Oz was no accident. It really felt like I was going to be swooped up by the madness of it all after a house dropped on someone.

I made it back to camp FINALLY, despite the tornado-like winds, to see our shifty shade structure was breaking loose again, this time for real with the stakes already up on one corner and another threatening to go very soon if we didn't do something fast. Kat had come back shortly after my discovery and the neighbors were quick to assist and all we did for about an hour was hold down the tarps, hammer down the stakes, drink and take pictures.

When the fierce winds started to calm a bit, we felt a few sprinkles here and there. It'd pick up again and then die down for a little more rain, but nothing terrible. In fact, quite the opposite. What happened next was nothing short of unbelievable. A rainbow started to appear.. and not just one.. but two. The inner one getting more and more shockingly bright with every passing minute and the outer one becoming clearer and clearer until there they were, both of them, so completely perfect that I swear to God Judy Garland could practically be heard singing. People stood on their rigs and roofs of their camps and cheered in celebration. I mean, what do you say about something as incredible as that? It was simply one of the most beautiful things I'd ever seen in my entire life.. and the day wasn't even over yet.

Part 3: Playa That Funky Music

Pixie and I ventured out to the middle of the playa to take in more of the art installations during the day after we buried our misunderstanding. Very quickly, we were back to normal, which is how I think a good friendship works. I felt so relieved and much more excited to be a part of this experience with her.

We made our way out to one of the farther points on the playa where Crude Awakening, a 90 foot wooden oil derrick had been constructed and in front of it were nine 30 foot metal statues, weighing seven tons each, in various positions of worship, each representing one of the major world religions. At night they would all spout fire. One from her eyes and hands, another from her head and heart, etc. The whole installation was so powerful with all it said about what was going on in the world today, not to mention the dedication of the artists involved who thought it up and brought it all the way to the desert to begin with.

We rode on after that over to one of our favorite installations of the entire event, the monkey zoetrope called Homouroboros. A tree-like structure whirled in a circle thru power from solar panels and participants peddling stationary bikes around the tree. Then strobe lights would flash and it would look like these monkeys were swinging from branch to branch while a bright green snake wound down from the top, down one of the monkey's arms and fed it an apple and thusly, itself. It was so much fun to just sit there and watch it. Drums would beat and usually there was an art car near by thumping techno, adding to the rave feel, but you could also tell people were just stunned with joy upon seeing it go. You can see a bit more of the artist, Peter Hudson's, previous designs in motion on his site here and watch the zoetrope close-up and in action here.

Wouldn't you know that as soon as we got within perfect-picture range, my camera was suddenly no where to be found. After we left Crude Awakening, I'd thrown my camera back in my bag that was in the basket wired to the back of my bike Pixie had so lovingly secured for me, and neglected to cinch it shut. It wasn't five minutes between its disappearance and my discovery that it wasn't in my possession so we turned around and scanned the dusty ground between the zoetrope and the oil derrick, but we couldn't find it anywhere. Nothing. It was gone.

I wasn't terribly broken up about losing it other than feeling the rest of my trip would remain undocumented. Every single and indescribable photo op would be missed completely. Pixie tried to reassure me that everyone else would take so many pictures and they'd be available afterwards online that I couldn't possibly feel I'd missed out, but there were the personal ones of people I would meet and of course her and Kat and our neighbors, not to mention the ones I'd already taken of our trip down that I was disappointed in losing. She and everyone else tho had the thought that once the camera was on the ground, it'd become MOOP and, therefore, someone had to have picked it up and would have every intention of dropping it off at Lost & Found. We could only hope.

Pixie and I separated shortly after that and went on our own little tours for the rest of the day. About two hours after that tho, our first dust storm began. It lasted for four hours. FOUR, people. Kat and I, luckily, were both around the camp at the time, which was good because our funky little shelter wasn't holding up against the strong winds very well. She, her friend, Dan, and I began holding down the points that had broken free and did our best to re-restrain what we could. When we had it stabilized the best we could manage, they started dancing salsa in the middle of the storm. The neighbors across the street joined them, smiling before they all put on their masks and goggles. Everyone looked like a bunch of happy, dancing aliens. I so wished for my camera right then.

Once our first big storm was finally over, we all cleaned up, dressed our best to impress, and headed out to find some adventure. I tried to find a bit of that on my own for about 90 minutes, but it seemed like I wasn't at the right place at the right time wherever I went. I walkied Kat to find out where she was and met up with her and her two friends trying to find what I had been looking for earlier. Again, we never quite found the thing that would entertain all of us and plant us in one place together. There were multiple dance clubs, a band that most of the playa was there to see who after 45 minutes of being late to go on couldn't hold our interest in waiting there any longer and off we went again, and various visual art installations that came much more alive in the darkness.

I told the group goodbye when I found the need to get down with my bad self and dance for a while. It was a good feeling to let loose and do that all by myself. But I eventually found I needed something more specific and went back to the stage where the band was supposed to have gone on earlier and arrived just as they were finishing their set. Again, never at the right time. But they came back on for an encore so I got a small taste and they were fun and funky and I was happy in my discovery, however fleeting.

That's when I met my first random. Or rather.. he met me. I don't even remember his name, but he was wide-eyed, full of compliments about how beautiful I was and how he had gifts for me.

Tho I naively thought he would go away if I didn't show interest, I felt an obligaton to be nice. We chatted about nothing, danced for a bit, but I wanted to call it a night and he was insistent I stay out with him. He had the resources for me to keep going.. and without expressing any sort of request for those things, they were suddenly in my possession. Hm.. conflict.. what to do?

For a while, I wanted the company and some direction of where to go and what to explore, but I didn't know this person and very quickly he was attached to me tightly and expected me to tag along with him or he'd tag along with me and I just didn't know how to nicely separate myself until finally after a couple of hours of riding around I had to be direct and said I needed to go off alone and explore. He seemed to understand and tried to coerce a concise time for the next day to meet for coffee. I was vague and brief and said sure, maybe.. but not really dedicated to the thought so I could more than likely avoid it.. which I did. I didn't want to make plans with someone I could barely connect with but who was under the impression that a connection was made nonetheless. It threw me a bit.

On my own, I wandered by my own camp, but didn't want to head to bed just yet. I found visuals to distract me and a boy who offered me my own personal frequency with an oddly shaped tuning fork. All he wanted was a smile in return.

And then when I'd given up, was tired and my hip was bothering me with a nasty little ache, a random boy saw me teeter on the verge of zoning out over a film that was depicting wild animals in winter on a screen outside this particular camp and realizing I was the only one watching it at 3:30am, I became self-conscious and continued on my way. He stopped to talk with me and we chatted and walked for over an hour after that, stopping at a trampoline for seating and more chat.

Things like that would happen at any given moment and you'd meet people and possibly never see them again. Tho he had introduced himself as Sparkle, his playa name a close female friend had given him, I had to press for his real name because, really.. Sparkle? His real name was Mark. He was sweet and kind and we had the same sense of humor. I wish I'd have gotten his real contact info but he became like most of the people I met there - a good memory. Nothing wrong with that, of course, but still - sometimes you wish you'd learned more about them.

I went to bed with some vibrant dreams, some techno pulsing in the middle of dawn coming up, and a smile on my face. I'd found my place and a good vibe finally. It was a good feeling.

Part 2: Don't Hate The Playa, Hate The Game

Part 2 of the playa begins on Tuesday morning.. our second day in Black Rock City and Kat and I found ourselves exhausted but smiling. She'd been out til well after sunrise and I turned in just before that, but because of the heat, hadn't been able to sleep much. The tents we'd set up were completely open to the sun's rays that were warming up steadily and exponentially and our little homes were turning into hot little ovens. We thought we could fight it, but by 10am or so, it was nearly unbearable and we were struggling and uncomfortable. Finally, I just gave into the frustration because I wondered how we'd manage the rest of the week if we couldn't even find a reasonable amount of shade in which to sleep.

Over the course of that morning tho, we'd met our neighbors to our right - also from Washington tho more southerly - and chatted with them quite a bit. They took one look at our situation and said they were having none of it. They offered to help us when the sun set later on to construct something tarp-like to cover our tents and provide some relief for the rest of the week. I think Kat and I nearly cried. Until then, they allowed us to share their lovely set up they'd created for shade and some peace and quiet during the hotter afternoon hours. I found myself many times in mid-conversation listening to someone and unable to stay awake at all, nodding into a fast sleep if I allowed myself and trying not to be in their way so not really getting to sleep deeply. Oh for the love of Pete, I thought.. I was just counting the hours til the sun went down.

When the sun began to relinquish its place in the sky, the neighbors along with Kat and I pulled together our collective tarps and fashioned something that looked pretty sturdy and would cover both our tents, since Pixie seemed cool enough in her larger and more covered unit. The neighbors were clearly much more skilled than Kat and I, knotting rope quickly, staking it down and all of a sudden.. we had ourselves a nice little space on the opposite side of their rented Ryder truck. Kat and I just looked at each other and sighed, instantly feeling 20 degrees cooler.

I'm sure many things exciting went on that night. I know Pix and Kat went out.. I, on the other hand, went to frickin sleep. For hours. And hours. But you can't sleep straight thru it all. There is SO much noise I felt only half asleep at times. There's constant oonce-oonce-oonce'ing of the bass from every camp blaring techno and a hum from the city and its new inhabitants cheering every so often all thru the night and into the early morning. Talk would fade in and out and I kept waking thinking I needed to see what was going on, but was literally so sleep-deprived and my head so heavy that I knew it was better to rest. It was early. There would be bigger nights and more of my attention would be required then. Better to pace myself and catch up on the dreaming than wipe myself out right away. And surprisingly, all the surround-sound just became white noise that never bothered me. Being a light sleeper I brought ear plugs.. and then never used them once.

I woke up Wednesday morning at 7am, feeling really good about staying in and heard Kat finishing her all-nighter and cozying up in her tent for a few hours of rest. I didn't hear Pixie rustling around so I thought I'd try to do some exploring on my own while it was cooler and challenged myself to get moving.

Pixie had tricked out my fancy playa bike with pirate tassles and stripes that went oh-so perfectly with the pink asian satin print with which she covered the bike seat so my backside would always have something soft to rest upon. God love her. So once bathed and dressed, I hopped on what would be my main mode of transportation other than my feet and made my first goal of the day to head back to this little coffee camp I found on Tuesday morning at 8:30 and Grasslands, just a few blocks away.

I parked my Bike Of Sassyness and made myself socialize with strangers for the next hour. The coffee was really good - that first day I'd found them they had real cream! - and so was the company. The pattern was to find something you could compliment or observe but really no ice needed to be broken like it would be out in the Real World. You could simply ask someone where they were from and they would happily humor you for a while. It wasn't hard to find things to talk about. There was art sprouting up every day on the playa, you could be a newbie or a long-time veteran.. it was easy conversation. Someone passed around homemade banana bread they'd made, which seemed very decadent after two mornings of Cliff bars and applesauce, and then the chit chat was interrupted by the 'delivery' of the 'newspaper' and the talk changed to the news of the man who burned 'the man' the night before. Truly my favorite little gathering place in the mornings for the cooler part of the day where you could indulge in the surprise breakfast offerings people brought over and would happily share and, at the same time, get your tidbits of playa gossip about this shocking pre-burn - the likes of which no one had ever seen before in all of the 21 years Burning Man has existed.

After coffee, I rode over to discover the far side of the neighborhood around 10:00 and Esplanade and checked each alphabet side street for something new. I thought I would head out into the playa for my own bit of art absorbtion, but was feeling like I wanted company so I went in search of Jumpsuit Boy at his camp to see if he wanted to join. Gladly, he did - but we rode over to Center Camp first so he could get his chai fix and we sat for a while there in the midst of all these people resembling carnies without a carnival.. dancing, sleeping, singing, drumming.. and caught up with ourselves since we don't see each other much back at home in the city.

Boy and I have a smattering of a nice past that was mostly physical and once in a blue moon we might dabble back in that, but it's been years now because a girl like me needs a bit more than that I decided.. and we genuinely like each other so we stay in touch when we can. Of course on the playa it's nice to see a familiar and adorable face and as a veteran burner being his seventh time there, I gleened some observations from him and I'm sure he found some new light from the wide-eyed joy I was feeling.

I tooled around mid-playa with boy for a while longer checking out the Steampunk Treehouse and these life-sized games we found that reminded me of my dad and then we both needed to move on to some other things, said our goodbyes of maybe running into each other again later on in the week, but we never did. I had a feeling we wouldn't.. there were just too many other entertaining diversions.

I was enjoying the random people I'd met, but I hadn't yet felt so comfortable I wanted to be independent all the time. I'm a girl who likes to share experiences and I hadn't spent much time with fair Pixie since we'd arrived. That led to a bit of uncomfy conversations, especially about my mini-meltdown of frustration due to lack of sleep between Monday and Tuesday. The playa is a very special place for Pixie and being new, and.. well, me, I was feeling the need for a bit of hand-holding and introduction that was probably more than she could offer. This was a big playground for her, rather magical, as it was becoming that way for Kat and I too, but she knew it better than we did and wanted to be out in it every second she could. I just missed her and wasn't explaining that in a way that didn't sound like I wouldn't be holding her back somehow. And sometimes friends tiff. Traveling together and extreme situations certainly bring out those qualities you overlook for the ones you adore during normal times and tho I prepared Pixie for the grumbling she might hear from me as I got used to the conditions, it didn't mean she liked it.

Thank God I'm a talker and a persistent little thing at that.. so I pushed a little and she would push back and we did that for a while until we eventually cleared the misunderstandings for good. And we found that tho we do and see things differently, our friendship remains solid. It's hard to have disagreements with the people you love, but we found a good balance of time together and time apart after that and maybe a little more understanding and respect for each other.

I love when love sort of wiggles into things and doesn't let go. It was so prevalent in everything out there that you couldn't help but notice, breathe it in, and hope it stayed with you when you left. So far, it has.