Baby It's Cold Outside

I tried to take pictures for you outside my cute home (noting to blur any addresses or telling specifics for all you friendly stalkers out there), but they didn't really come out so I found this charming blue snowman for you from some nice person's flickr account who also lives in this fair city.. because hi!! There is snow!

Yes we are lame! Yes we are big babies cuz this is A LOT of snow for us and the town, once again, is practically shutting down at probably barely an inch or two and at 31 degrees, which = BRRRRR!

And wouldn't you know it.. but just a few moments ago.. wait.. let me confirm.. YES! Our heater has broken! AWESOME! Ok.. to be fair, only the fan in the kitchen. It's still working in the living room.. but this is a fantastically brainy layout here I must tell you, with only a fan in the kitchen and one in the living room. God FORBID they put TWO in the living room or ANYTHING in the bathroom cuz you know this BASEMENT apartment is so small! It won't take anything for it to warm up.. except for you know.. HEAT! Why let them be WARM when this house was only built in 1905 apparently BEFORE insulation was ever invented!

*Ahem* A call has been placed to the landlord.. voicemail. Rad.

SO. Back to holiday cheer, however chilly, and a short recap of Thanksgiving where I must show you the game I killed, repeat - KILLED - if not for the interruption of actual food that had been long overdue.. say.. 2 hours and the alcohol was definitely getting to some of us more than others..

I tell you.. we are fucking WORDSMITHS people.. do you SEE the MASTERY of the three and four-letter words?! All over the fucking place! I mean.. we had 'meats' and 'meet'! Fucking AMAZING! Um, I should, however, point out that 'trod', which I had placed, had to be defined for my dear, dear opponents who had no idea what the word meant.. I'm not kidding - not even a little - and again with the word 'clef'. Not that I had to define 'folk' for them, no no. They had that one. I just had to indicate with wild arm and hand gestures, similar to those used in directing landing airplanes, the MASSIVE word play I'd just accomplished landing the F on a triple word score and the K on a double letter score.. both letters worth 4 original points each.. and achieving the aforementioned in previous post, a record-breaking (for me) 48-point word using ONLY THREE LETTERS YES INDEED WHAT A MIRACLE EVEN BABY JESUS WOULD CLAIM IT SO! But you know.. uh.. drunk people.. sort of didn't.. not really.. cuz we were rather in a sad state of starvation and tired of picking at faux appetizers.. thusly dinner was ravaged, RAVAGED I SAY, in just a matter of minutes. Oh it was a frightening site to behold! Like a pack of wild dogs we were..

And THEN........ food coma. Ahhhh...

I love Thanksgiving.

The rest of the weekend was spent tidying while the roommate was away, quality time with Ms. Emma, Feline Princess Over All, and even an official decorating of the tree - Bling style.

Oh.. like you didn't see that coming?? It's so me, which actually might be kind of sad, but seriously, I'm so tired of the needles and the paying of ZILLIONS of dollars for something I only get tangled up in while circling with lights that only sometimes work once every other year.. and blah! I'm done! This is my cute, little, shiny tree that I could hang the very mini ornaments I already had - yes those are mini disco balls, in case you were wondering - and it took all of TEN WHOLE MINUTES! It was fabulous! And it's so fucking cute! And no mess! AND it was only $2.50 at Tarshay (or, for the Americans - Target). Do I know how to bring sexy back or what?!

Now that the holiday spirit has certainly been kindled.. I must leave you for other entertainment. Heroes is on, the dvr is doing its duty and recording but I can hardly stand it for another second. Yes, fully addicted, I'll admit it.. I neeeeed it.. but I didn't forget you, my lovelies. Also, since you have been such dedicated fans, stay tuned for a little surprise at the end of this week.. it's nothing huge. No signature blue Tiffany box or anything, don't get carried away now, but something.. a little different. Til then.. mwah!

***** UPDATE *****

I just want y'all to know for the majority of today it has been 23 degrees. TWENTY THREE! This is NOT a misprint. It's nooo typo. That's 9 (NINE) degrees BELOW FREEZING! This is unheard of! I'm ready for the apocolypse! I mean it's 60 in Chicago! WTF is THAT about?! Has Hell frozen over and the property lines just weren't clear?! Up until just a little while ago when someone gave me the idea to just put on a big pot of boiling water for extra heat, I had my SCARF on! INSIDE! I'm just sayin.. it could get warmer ANYTIME! Like.. now. NOW would be great! Hellooo?? Is this thing on?!

Thanksgiving

Holidays in my memory involve lots of extended family, big dinners with kids' tables, tension with an argumentative father, uncles who fell asleep in front of the tv, and it hasn't really changed much other than now I am one of the adults who helps cook, serve, clean up, and sigh afterwards knowing it was a nice time.

This year, I couldn't make it. This year my car broke some very important wire in the coil in the engine or something or other but it made it go.. so when it broke, it only half went, and you know you can't get anywhere when your car only half wants to get there. That's bad. Very bad.

So even with a very trusted mechanic, it can't be finished until Monday night, the trains were booked, the rideshares were further south than I could get to and most were sketchy at best.. and Emma still didn't have anyone to check in on her on Friday.

After lots of tries.. I finally gave in to staying here, called Mom who sounded quite disappointed.. but I reminded her, as well as myself, that things could always be worse. And she agreed. I'm still sad I couldn't make it, but everything I have in my life spans a lot more than one family dinner.

Here's what I have to be thankful for:

* That I did have a lovely Thanksgiving with one of my very best friends, Loren, and his boyfriend and friends of theirs with a dinner we all helped cook, which included my very sassy cranberry sauce and his homemade apple pie that was simply orgasmic. There were two games of Scrabble tho the second was put aside for dinner - and no one really really acknowledged the 48-point word (FORTY-EIGHT POINTS PEOPLE) I made with FOUR letters just before that left them all in the dust anyway. It sucks to lose, tho I wasn't. But I had somewhere to be and people around whom I loved and who loved me. I felt very lucky.

* That the car will cost me a lot, but that I will be able to get by even with the pinch on my holiday budget. No shopping for me tomorrow, but seriously, am I sad about that? Hell no. I have a holiday budget and that's more than a lot of people have and I don't take that for granted for one second. It really wouldn't take much if circumstances changed for me to be that person holding a sign on the corner asking for spare change.

* For my family. I used to distance myself from them and I find this year, I've grown closer to my mother and that means the world to me. She's happier with her new husband and I'm happy that she's happy. I know that's all my dad wanted for her and it makes her a better mom. I've lost track how many times she's called me 'baby girl' this week. It really tickles me.

* For my friends who are my chosen family. They know who they are. They help me so much, they inspire me, advise me, influence me, challenge me, keep me sane and keep me happy, make me feel valued, needed, special, smart, beautiful.. make me think.. they are my rocks, my comfort, my support system, my treasures.

* For my cat, Emma, who always has unconditional love waiting for me. And really, isn't that what life is all about?

I hope you all feel just as blessed today. You certainly deserve it.

What Should've Been - What Should Be

I saw an amazing movie tonight that moved me to the point of tears - to the point I was crying so much I realized a movie hasn't caused me to cry like that in a really long time. I was so overwhelmed I didn't realize I was holding Pixie's hand until I'd been doing it for 15 minutes because the messages it conveyed were so powerful and you could see clearly what was also trying to be communicated in regards to where we are as a nation, as human beings with this inane war going on and embarrassing government behind it.. and that it's really so sad we haven't actually come so terribly far since then. So incredible I'm still thinking about it hours after we've walked out of the theatre and it makes me want to carry signs and stand up for the ones who can't stand up for themselves.. and just be a better person. And it made me realize just how little I knew about the past - but more importantly, that they stopped making politicians like that a long time ago.. ones the entire country could stand behind simply because they could be BELIEVED.

I think the reviews panned it. I don't care. The entire screening audience applauded when it was over. I doubt there were many dry eyes.

"Bobby is not a political story, though politics are certainly an undercurrent. It is not the story of Bobby Kennedy. Rather, it is the story of all of us."

Go. See. This. Movie. Now.

Ok.. well, as soon as it comes out for the rest of you who didn't get a super-sneak preview like me, thanks SO much to a little pixie.

I've Been Frogged!

A while back, our dear friend, Ammogirl, submitted her blog for critique by a site called Frog My Blog and she received a pretty decent little review. Of course, this is Treena we're talking about - a lovely little thing with whom I attended high school years (and years) ago - and tho afraid of moths and lettuce, yet not of foreign machine guns pointed in her direction, all this certainly makes for entertaining writing.

I think a few of us followed suit and submitted our own creative url worlds and tho it took a lot longer to get our evaluations, they've now been posted. You can read mine here.

'Ouch,' was my first reaction. I don't think the reviewer read more than the posts within this month and I don't think that's a fair critique of anyone's work, especially when said month encompasses a birthday, that which is the author's favorite day of the year EVER, but then the pirate site reviewed before mine with a name that doesn't seem to match their theme received 4 bugs. The common denominator seemed to be a shared love for 'totally heart'-ing the Pirates of the Caribbean movies. Um.. ok..?

Yet, to be fair, I asked for this by submitting my work up for scrutiny. I'm sure I sound a bit defensive cuz this is my sacred space and I do write for myself, tho probably a bit for entertainment purposes. Who that entertains exactly is dependent upon the specific reader and his or her subjective opinion. I fully accept that not everyone will like what I have to say, what I'm writing about, or how long it takes me to say it. I'm certainly not the most read blogger and actually, I prefer having a smaller community over the masses. I've had enough blog stalkers, thank you.

I was also panned for remarking about the lack of comments at one point this month, but the hyper chihuahua/attention whore inside me sort of escaped due to birthday excitedness and that came out in that single, teeensy-tiny post the reviewer makes so much of.

So I'm just a two-bug blog. That's ok. I think I can be proud of that.

A Gift To Myself

I've been digesting a lot after the debaucherous week of birthday. Important life things are being pointed out or maybe I'm a lot more observant these days.. and maybe more reflective. Every birthday I take stock - and actually I do so around Thanksgiving and the new year as well, probably like the rest of you. But basically ALL of winter I'm reevaluating my purpose, if I have one, how can I be a better person/treat other people better now that I've reached __ age, etc.

It's weird to be 35 and feel about half that age.. and at the same time, wise.. well.. sometimes. It's true what they say that you don't want to go back to your 20's. At least I don't even tho I make stupid mistakes every day, I hurt people's feelings, I jump to conclusions, I'm irrational, I stress.. I did all that in my 20's too, just to a much bigger degree and believe it or not, with a lot more drama than now (yes, this is tame people, seriously..) and yet I can still solve problems, pay my bills, take care of the cat, do my job - well at that, think clearly, treat people with love and offer friendship and support. I'm human - and it shows.. and that's fine with me.

I still look for a sense of identity even if I have my own. I waiver on if that sense is sturdy enough sometimes, if I'll ever 'amount to something' that really matters or if what I've amounted to is all that matters right now - if this is all I'm meant to do and these are the people who are meant to come and go in my life of those who have and come and gone.

Something yet unseen has been pointing me in the direction of a new religion - well, certainly not new, but new to me.. as a way to find peace within myself, a way to grow, a way to change. It's like my guardian angel finds a way for people or media to grab my attention and wonder at the coincidence - and it's just Buddhism. Yes.. of all things.. Life is saying, 'Uh.. hey.. that Buddhism stuff..? Yeah, I think you should look into it. You know, it 'grounds' you. I think maybe you need some of that right now. Just a thought.' It sounds silly - and I know nothing about it other than to know that it's different from Catholicism, the religion I was raised in and the basics of Christianity, with which I don't agree. I've always thought there are other ways to worship and this is one of them - and not just a higher power, but discovering the true nature of reality, which I don't think I could even wrap my head around let alone really do.. but isn't it an interesting idea??

I have a friend who meditates when she can fit it in between taking care of her family and it energizes her and she sleeps better. I have another who has had everything go wrong during her change of countries and scenery and this is something that is settling life down for her, calming her and giving her a better sense of direction and a better sense of herself. I love the magic that seems to result from focus like that. It's powerful. And I want some. And I think I'm going to start making some time for it.

****************

Now.. when you sit around and wonder about your future and where you're going, you can't help but reflect on your past.. your beginnings.. you.. but as a wee babe. I've mentioned a few times on this site that I'm adopted. I was chosen. I was special. Someone took all the care necessary to make sure I was offered a good life even tho she couldn't provide that life to me herself. And I've put out some casual efforts in the WorldWideWebLand hoping that this lovely woman might one day come looking for me.. if she's computer literate.. if she likes email half as much as I do.. and might.. oh.. pop a little message over to me - something like.. 'Oh hey there.. well.. let's see.. I may have dropped you off in a small town in eastern Oregon oh.. about 35 years ago.. wanna catch up?' And I would respond with open arms and a big smile and look deep into the eyes of the woman who actually looks like me.. and with whom I have traits in common.. like.. genetically!

But it's not like I'm really trying. Just like the Buddhism.. I get hints from my angel or some other-worldly force reminding me I've stopped looking, even as casually as I had been, and I need to get back on it. So it came about, one of these reminders, thru a conversation with a work associate who recently adopted two foster children and I said how incredible that must be for her and how I was adopted and she got excited and almost giggly and she said she was adopted and it was a great, big adopted party going on for a bit (We throw really good ones.. trust me on this). And after I hung up the phone with her, I thought - here's another reminder. Do something about it. So I took a few minutes and searched around on the web for more sites where I might once again lay out the information I had about my bio mother and crossed my fingers/held my breath/made a wish that someone.. anyone.. would see it someday, hopefully soon, and know who the hell I was talking about AND, out of the kindness of their hearts, might let me know how to find her.

A few weeks passed and nothing happened..

I forgot about it.

I had my birthday and all was celebratory. I think there was some talk about my family and my history at dinner and that dear Pixie girl took it upon herself to actually research and offer some new possibilities for searching - things that seem so obvious with the basic facts I had but like I said, tho wise, I don't always put two and two together. She, however, is Smart. All. The. Time.. which is why I'm friends with her.. well not solely, but you get the idea. And yet, I still didn't exactly make the time to pursue the links she sent me.

Until Sunday when I received an email.

Not just any email.. this was an email from a very nice woman who found me due to one of those random WorldWideWebLand blurbs I put online just a few weeks ago.. blurbs I thought would bring me nothing more than spam and instead may have opened a door this time, this exact time, to find someone like her.. and it did.

She used to know my mother, this very nice-sounding lady. They were friends. Where there could've been uncertainty.. there wasn't when she said she'd 'googled' my bio mother's name and not far down on the page was a message from 'her birthchild of long ago'. She wasted no time in wondering if I'm that same child her friend may have had years before. No, she seemed to know for a fact I was exactly that child and tho my heart was pounding, I responded and hoped and prayed and held my breath that she was right and for no reason whatsoever, that this was the connection I'd waited for my whole life.

We have emailed a lot back and forth just in the last two days and I rambled my way thru novellas of questions and deep statements of how much finding my birth mother would mean to me.. and there's this sense of proving my worth if only this mystery woman would provide me any sliver of new information that could lead me to my birth mother's front door. And instantaneously, I can think of nothing else nor do I want anything more. It's amazing how opportunity finally does its knocking and you know with every bit of passion you have in your soul that you need to do whatever it takes at that very second to grab it and make the most of it as possible cuz it doesn't fall in your lap like that often. Clearly, not in mine anyway.

This new friend is kind and has already told me how much I look like 'her'.. which reduced me to tears instantly, how they had met while my mother was pursuing her masters in counseling - which gave me goosebumps since two friends this last year told me I should be a therapist - how she had lived in San Rafael and San Francisco and Eugene and these places are not far! No no! They are so very close and I think most people generally don't move terribly far from where they were born.. and I feel like I'm on the edge of something amazing and moving.. and just so frickin BIG!

I don't know what I'd do honestly, if I ever find her, but I finally feel like it's feasible.. like it's more than just possible. And one day, I hope to write in this space, that I've looked into eyes that are just like mine, upon a face that's freckled as mine is, and a smile that resembles my own and let her know just how grateful I am for her strength and how I hope I am more than just a little bit like her.

And then I'll say, 'So how about that Budda guy?'

The Aftermath

Could this birthday have been any better? Could this birthday have been oh... any more FUN?! I tell you people.. I think so, but I DON'T KNOW HOW! Cuz it was SO FUCKING GREAT! Really, it was.. ohdeargod yes..

We started out with a secret pick up that was kiboshed a little when Scott had to call me for directions cuz he didn't have my last address, but the one before that! I thought that part was particularly funny as Ms. Pix had tried to be all Super Spy and keep the 411 from getting to me, but it wasn't so tragic that I knew.. but funnier for me and Scott since we have this running joke that I'm always moving and/or finding another job or both and it's weird that at least the job has stayed the same anyway.. well.. you had to be there. It was funnier. Trust me.

Moving on.

A few of us met for some fabulous vegetarian fare and I believe at least one bottle of wine was involved and then some wandering over to our friend, Andrew's bar, Liberty, where more drinks were not needed but were had nonetheless! Cuz it was THAT kind of birthday as the Birthday Law did decree! And with the Birthday Drinking came the Birthday Present Giving AND the Birthday Present Opening! Yes, it did!

I think Ms. Pixie must be dying for us to be twins more often as she gave me this fabulous hat she probably knew I would fuss and fawn over anyway once she donned it herself so she couldn't very well not let me have one of my very own! She knows me pretty well that girl..

And then things just got carried away from there, I tell you.

There was another night of Spin The Bottle, this fabulous monthly theatre cabaret Keith and Mary took part in tho we have absolutely no pictures of them.. even tho they were the whole point we were going.. and it's just us being.. well.. lit.. if you really want me to be honest.

And there was a lot of making faces and the sticking out of tongues for some reason.. as that seems to be a motif in my pictures. What is the deal with the tongues? Oh, I have no clue but in our intoxicated state, we must think we're way sexy with all that going on. It's hot.





Oh the debauchery! Oh the scandal! It was awesome!

THEN came the photo scavenger hunt for no other reason than the funny pictures I wanted to have of friends of mine doing crazy and silly things for no other reason than cuz I put them on a list! How great is that?! I'll tell you.. SO GREAT!












And it rained. Buckets. All. Fucking. Day. So I want to give a ginormous shout out to Paul, Katie, Abby and John for finding the scavenger hunting spirit within themselves and braving the weather anyway. We had a blast despite the fact that we were soaking wet after about two hours. And I think someone said, you know.. maybe, if we stopped, we could all be ok with that. And we all went.. hm.. yes.. fascinating idea. Let's! So we gave ourselves extra points for giving up and treated oursevels to some Belgian frites on Capital Hill.

And as if that wasn't enough - cuz honestly, to fulfill the Law of Birthday, it wasn't - there may have been the actual Big Event that was the Birthday Party. And wouldn't you know.. I was at the top of my Smiley, the rise of my Goofy and Dorky Face.. and certainly, the crest of my Loud and Sassy, and even the peak of my Say Whatever Comes To Mind Immediately As I Think It Cuz I Think I'm THE Funniest Person EVER Of All The People Who Are Having A Birthday At This Very Minute Right Now.















And these are just a few, my darling readers.. I think people are still in process of sending me more.. it was a camera-ready night.. just ever so slightly. And oh.. what a night it was.

Thanks to everyone for your messages and to everyone who was there in person. It really meant the world to me to celebrate my 35th year with all of you. Mwah!

I Say.. It's My Birthday!

Wake up y'all! Are you all paying attention? Today is THE day. Oh yes it is. The day I was born into this world at 10:58pm in a small hospital in an even smaller hick town in eastern Oregon. Welcome to the world, little lamb, someone said.. and since then I've been trying to find my place in it. Thank God there aren't more of me. I think I'm loud enough.

I must say, the Birthday Eve did not start out as the day I would like to remember. The ex who I haven't spoken to in two months sent a drunk dial message via myspace at 1:45am that threw me into an early-morning tailspin. Add to that a co-worker snapping at me rather harshly for trying to help her twenty minutes after I arrived and I had to fight in order to keep myself together. I was starting to wonder why the day turned so sour and if I could manage to turn it around even tho I really didn't think I'd be able to do it. But it was so against the Birthday Law! What curse had possibly befallen me?! This was clearly wrong.

But then I got thru to the end of my work day and I went on a first date, which was a good one - yes it was - and had dinner at my favorite Mexican place in town, mmm.. and before that had cleared up things with my ex, which was positive and we grew or something like that in that call.. you know how those talks go.. and everything just felt so much lighter.. and..

TA DA! TODAY IS NOW GREAT! TODAY IS MY BIRTHDAY! WHOO HOO! YIPPEE!

Phew.. just had to get that out..

And now there are things to be done! I'm visiting Fatima and bebe, my newest niece whom I've nicknamed Lulu cuz there's already too many Laurens and she'll understand when she's older and has to tolerate me, and I neeeeeeed to get in the shower cuz I'm late, as usual.. and then Pix and friends will whisk me away tonight somewhere undisclosed as of yet, as in surprise which hey, never sucks on the day of birth cuz that is also a part of the Law of Birthday. Yes it is!

So I'm off to enjoy my birthday. And the law says that you must too! No bad days are allowed by anyone! You hear me people?! Even tho it is completely gray and rainy, that is not bad! Even tho you had to get up and go to work when I clearly did not, that is not bad either. You are having a great day! I can tell these things.. and did I mention, by the way, how fabulous you look? Cuz you do! Oh yes.. trust me on this. YOU rock.. on this day, my birthday.. I do too, of course, but you, my friend, certainly are rockin' right along with me. Cuz I said so. And today is all mine!

Thank you for all the well wishes.. seriously, everyone! Hugs to all of you.. I'm off to enjoy the day! Mwah!