A Gift To Myself

I've been digesting a lot after the debaucherous week of birthday. Important life things are being pointed out or maybe I'm a lot more observant these days.. and maybe more reflective. Every birthday I take stock - and actually I do so around Thanksgiving and the new year as well, probably like the rest of you. But basically ALL of winter I'm reevaluating my purpose, if I have one, how can I be a better person/treat other people better now that I've reached __ age, etc.

It's weird to be 35 and feel about half that age.. and at the same time, wise.. well.. sometimes. It's true what they say that you don't want to go back to your 20's. At least I don't even tho I make stupid mistakes every day, I hurt people's feelings, I jump to conclusions, I'm irrational, I stress.. I did all that in my 20's too, just to a much bigger degree and believe it or not, with a lot more drama than now (yes, this is tame people, seriously..) and yet I can still solve problems, pay my bills, take care of the cat, do my job - well at that, think clearly, treat people with love and offer friendship and support. I'm human - and it shows.. and that's fine with me.

I still look for a sense of identity even if I have my own. I waiver on if that sense is sturdy enough sometimes, if I'll ever 'amount to something' that really matters or if what I've amounted to is all that matters right now - if this is all I'm meant to do and these are the people who are meant to come and go in my life of those who have and come and gone.

Something yet unseen has been pointing me in the direction of a new religion - well, certainly not new, but new to me.. as a way to find peace within myself, a way to grow, a way to change. It's like my guardian angel finds a way for people or media to grab my attention and wonder at the coincidence - and it's just Buddhism. Yes.. of all things.. Life is saying, 'Uh.. hey.. that Buddhism stuff..? Yeah, I think you should look into it. You know, it 'grounds' you. I think maybe you need some of that right now. Just a thought.' It sounds silly - and I know nothing about it other than to know that it's different from Catholicism, the religion I was raised in and the basics of Christianity, with which I don't agree. I've always thought there are other ways to worship and this is one of them - and not just a higher power, but discovering the true nature of reality, which I don't think I could even wrap my head around let alone really do.. but isn't it an interesting idea??

I have a friend who meditates when she can fit it in between taking care of her family and it energizes her and she sleeps better. I have another who has had everything go wrong during her change of countries and scenery and this is something that is settling life down for her, calming her and giving her a better sense of direction and a better sense of herself. I love the magic that seems to result from focus like that. It's powerful. And I want some. And I think I'm going to start making some time for it.

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Now.. when you sit around and wonder about your future and where you're going, you can't help but reflect on your past.. your beginnings.. you.. but as a wee babe. I've mentioned a few times on this site that I'm adopted. I was chosen. I was special. Someone took all the care necessary to make sure I was offered a good life even tho she couldn't provide that life to me herself. And I've put out some casual efforts in the WorldWideWebLand hoping that this lovely woman might one day come looking for me.. if she's computer literate.. if she likes email half as much as I do.. and might.. oh.. pop a little message over to me - something like.. 'Oh hey there.. well.. let's see.. I may have dropped you off in a small town in eastern Oregon oh.. about 35 years ago.. wanna catch up?' And I would respond with open arms and a big smile and look deep into the eyes of the woman who actually looks like me.. and with whom I have traits in common.. like.. genetically!

But it's not like I'm really trying. Just like the Buddhism.. I get hints from my angel or some other-worldly force reminding me I've stopped looking, even as casually as I had been, and I need to get back on it. So it came about, one of these reminders, thru a conversation with a work associate who recently adopted two foster children and I said how incredible that must be for her and how I was adopted and she got excited and almost giggly and she said she was adopted and it was a great, big adopted party going on for a bit (We throw really good ones.. trust me on this). And after I hung up the phone with her, I thought - here's another reminder. Do something about it. So I took a few minutes and searched around on the web for more sites where I might once again lay out the information I had about my bio mother and crossed my fingers/held my breath/made a wish that someone.. anyone.. would see it someday, hopefully soon, and know who the hell I was talking about AND, out of the kindness of their hearts, might let me know how to find her.

A few weeks passed and nothing happened..

I forgot about it.

I had my birthday and all was celebratory. I think there was some talk about my family and my history at dinner and that dear Pixie girl took it upon herself to actually research and offer some new possibilities for searching - things that seem so obvious with the basic facts I had but like I said, tho wise, I don't always put two and two together. She, however, is Smart. All. The. Time.. which is why I'm friends with her.. well not solely, but you get the idea. And yet, I still didn't exactly make the time to pursue the links she sent me.

Until Sunday when I received an email.

Not just any email.. this was an email from a very nice woman who found me due to one of those random WorldWideWebLand blurbs I put online just a few weeks ago.. blurbs I thought would bring me nothing more than spam and instead may have opened a door this time, this exact time, to find someone like her.. and it did.

She used to know my mother, this very nice-sounding lady. They were friends. Where there could've been uncertainty.. there wasn't when she said she'd 'googled' my bio mother's name and not far down on the page was a message from 'her birthchild of long ago'. She wasted no time in wondering if I'm that same child her friend may have had years before. No, she seemed to know for a fact I was exactly that child and tho my heart was pounding, I responded and hoped and prayed and held my breath that she was right and for no reason whatsoever, that this was the connection I'd waited for my whole life.

We have emailed a lot back and forth just in the last two days and I rambled my way thru novellas of questions and deep statements of how much finding my birth mother would mean to me.. and there's this sense of proving my worth if only this mystery woman would provide me any sliver of new information that could lead me to my birth mother's front door. And instantaneously, I can think of nothing else nor do I want anything more. It's amazing how opportunity finally does its knocking and you know with every bit of passion you have in your soul that you need to do whatever it takes at that very second to grab it and make the most of it as possible cuz it doesn't fall in your lap like that often. Clearly, not in mine anyway.

This new friend is kind and has already told me how much I look like 'her'.. which reduced me to tears instantly, how they had met while my mother was pursuing her masters in counseling - which gave me goosebumps since two friends this last year told me I should be a therapist - how she had lived in San Rafael and San Francisco and Eugene and these places are not far! No no! They are so very close and I think most people generally don't move terribly far from where they were born.. and I feel like I'm on the edge of something amazing and moving.. and just so frickin BIG!

I don't know what I'd do honestly, if I ever find her, but I finally feel like it's feasible.. like it's more than just possible. And one day, I hope to write in this space, that I've looked into eyes that are just like mine, upon a face that's freckled as mine is, and a smile that resembles my own and let her know just how grateful I am for her strength and how I hope I am more than just a little bit like her.

And then I'll say, 'So how about that Budda guy?'