Goodbye 2007! Bring On The Shinier 2008!

I'm here! Honest! I haven't disappeared people.. but you know how it is with the holidays and getting home from the family's and getting back to a half a week of work where everything is chaotic and you can only wait for the long weekend of new year's eve, which is exactly how things have gone for me. So I do apologize for my tardiness in posting and having absolutely nothing to say. I'm working on a list and then I thought.. who wants another frickin list? Not you! No.. not for the end of year post! So.. bear with me..

I have been shopping the last few days having been given a little wad of cash for Christmas and have found some great little items just today out with Pixie. The idea was to thrift, but right away, out with her last minute and completely unshowered and bed-headed, I found a cute page boy type cap that I quickly threw on and couldn't part with. We then headed to a vintage store for something unexpected and she discovered a gorgeous long, brown faux fur coat that once on, I simply had to have. Not exactly a thrifty price, but it was still meant to be mine. We did end up at Goodwill where there was to be found a sexy backless halter that fit perfectly and a cute little nightie that is sexy and still innocent enough that I won't be completely porn star out in the desert. With a pair of fishnets, some frilly panties and boots, it will definitely fit right in.

I'm getting really excited about Burning Man eight months sooner than I need to because Boz is coming with me this year and we're planning on bringing an RV full of a few other friends who've committed to joining us. I have so much time to prepare this year and plan it a bit better than last time that every time I'm out, I default to wondering if something will work in the sun and sand of the playa rather than at work or out on the town.

I do plan on hitting a big new year's eve party as well.. but again, it's burner inspired. So even with thinking so far ahead, if it can work here where there are parties all year round, all the better. Grab a crinoline, throw on a tank, boots - high heeled or not.. whatever. It really is like Halloween more than one night a year and my inner attention whore gets to play a bit more often these days.

So really.. nothing terribly exciting to report to you all. Just reflecting on the last few days of the year and spending time with good friends who bring out the best in me. Even my heartbreak has faded and Boris and I have found a comfortable place with our friendship. We go back and forth with our physical attraction, but even if we give into temptation, there are no longer any other expectations than that we'll still remain close friends. Things like that have a way of working themselves out however they're supposed to and if he's not the right person, eventually the right one will come along. It feels good not to be so achy about the whole stupid thing tho and back to a stronger sense of self.

I wish all of you a safe and happy ringing in of the new year. May you get everything you wish for and more in 2008. Mucho love to all of you.. and also, thank you so much for reading. I never imagined having so many friends at a distance. Every one of you and your comments make writing mean so much more to me. So thank you for continuing on this random journey with me. See you all next year! Mwah!

A Few Of My Favorite Things

It's that time of year again where I delay and postpone most of the major shopping for holiday gifts because I haven't a clue what to get anyone in my family. My friends are easy, but because I haven't found the key to Independent Wealth, they understand their gifts usually come after the big day and not before. I do have one day off this week with Fatima to spend however we wish sans toddler, my gorgeous niece, except for the one in her belly oven, and I'm supposed to get all my shopping done this day. I keep wondering, HOW am I ever going to do that?! And with only one paycheck that oh.. other bills are supposed to be paid from too. It's going to be a holiday miracle people. Something that Hallmark or Lifetime will want to produce as their next female driven tv movie, but luckily where no one gets beaten first, because that's just not very warm and fuzzy for this time of year.. obviously.

ANYWAY.. I've compiled a little list of gifty type links for you and me so we can all browse together. Shall we?

Let's get straight to one of my favorite things: T-shirts. I heart a great t-shirt. I really do. That's probably why when I recently bought one for the holidays for my friend who will have to go unnamed just in case he may actually read this post tho he never reads anymore (so why am I getting him anything?! I wonder this too, but this shirt is perfect!), I had to buy one for myself as well. Had to. So I went for Noisebot.com. Some are odd, some I don't get, and yet, some never stop being funny. And similarly - almost eerily alike - there's Busted Tees, which may just be a tad cheaper (of course I find something like this AFTER I buy 2 shirts on the previous site..) and how can it be bad when all the shirts come with descriptions? It can't! This one has to be my favorite. And then there is Threadless.com, which is apparently, cheaper still due to their $10 holiday sale that ends.. oops.. today.. but you go and get on that anyway.. because how can you go thru life without a t-shirt like this? I ask you. You can't. That's how.

For other wearable items, especially for your favorite cook, I still like these adorable aprons I found on Wrapables.com. I could totally see my dear little Shine in this one or this one and I also like they have a cute selection of kids' aprons too.

I thought these little wine stoppers were pretty cute for your favorite wine drinker who may be torn between right and wrong now and then. I mean.. it happens, right? When wine is involved.. you just never know.

And what goes with wine? Bread and cheese, right? And what goes with good bread? Yummy dipping oils from Williams-Sonoma. While there you could pick up some of their high heat spatulas, measuring spoons and a cute little timer because your own chef at home probably needs some of these fun things that might cost a little more than say.. shopping at Target, but make the kitchen feel more personal and your chef a little spoiled, as they should.

And tho I linked to this last year, this light is still one of my all-time favorite bits of decor (not that I have one and you might consider it on my list as well.. ahem).

For the person who is always coming and going in your life, you might give him or her these sassy luggage tags so their belongings are unmistakable along with this sexy travel bar for which they can make the friendly skies just a bit friendlier if the mood strikes them.

For the person you know who lives amidst blank walls, you might try giving them something a bit different than just your average Monet print. Scribble has gift certificates available for their removable wall decals and your giftee can even custom design it themselves. And then there's Blik who has so many different choices you may be overwhelmed but one of their partners is actually Threadless, the t-shirt company I listed earlier. So how fun would something like this be? Tho I think this one is my favorite.

And if you want something a little more functional, you could always try these fun removable chalkboard things that Shine and I just put up in our kitchen. Not only are they affordable, but you can arrange the panels any way you see fit or cut them to pieces and put them other places you thought a little chalkboard was necessary. Chalk is even included! Awesome, right? So much!

If you're actually looking for art tho, I will direct you to a personal friend of mine, Jason Waskey. He's a painter. A really, really good painter and he also has a blog where you can check out the small works he's selling currently. Some are as cheap as $100 like this gorgeous little number he's holding for me, which just happens to be the ticket from the show I produced in November and I think that's pretty special. So go get some art. Monet would be proud of you.

For a little camper I know I thought this mini remote-control lantern could be just the thing to light up her tent at night when she's in the desert and it only takes one AA battery! Serious radness from Restoration Hardware.

Shine and I have also taken to playing Scrabble on Facebook these days with many of our friends so a vintage wooden box edition of the real thing might be uber snazzy. And even better if it came with its own dictionary. There's even a very cute little travel version for killing time between the holiday dinner and that inevitable popping in of The Christmas Story that your brother will insist on watching for the zillionth time.

For the girl in your life who likes snazzy bits of pretty things, I still highly recommend this very fancy mascara, big gorgeous eyes, by Philosophy because who doesn't want eyes that pop? No one! No one doesn't want those. Then there's this lovely fragrance called grace that smells so light and pretty you will want to buy boxes of it like I wanted to when I discovered it. And the staple I cannot live without is their kiss me lip gloss that isn't sticky, isn't glittery, and is just the best lip gloss ever, period. I love the clear for everything, but the red is very sheer and gives a little extra kick in these early darkened evenings that go perfectly with a glass of cabernet and a handsome, holiday date.

If your girl is a little funkier in her tastes, I personally like this cute little hat from delia's, this adorable pink clutch from Urban Outfitters because she's still girly and this shiny bit of electricity for around her neck to let her know she really creates a spark when she walks into a room.

For the music lover, an iTunes gift certificate would never be unappreciated and I would recommend one of my favorite cd's this year, which is The Shins, Wincing The Night Away. The new Feist, Reminder is another good one, and KT Tunstall's latest, Drastic Fantastic. If you like a little more bass in your tunes, I liked the new Mark Farina, House Of Om or for a little more housey, Miguel Migs', Those Things was good to groove to this summer. Lastly, for simply the most amazing guitarists you will ever hear in your lives - and you should really see them live because they will knock your socks off - Rodrigo Y Gabriela were one of the best discoveries this year. Just phenomenal. There are really not enough descriptive words to say how incredible they are.

For other more personal gifts, there are always sweet ideas of baking homemade cookies, putting together a mini book of your favorite poems or recipes, hand-written and bound with pretty ribbon, or searching thru some of the local antique and second-hand stores to find a one-of-a-kind little knick-knack or bauble or antique book that might bring a sparkle to someone's eye for its originality.

If you wanted to use your ingenuity to better the world, you could take on sponsoring a child thru Children International and tho I'm not here to preach, I have to say I do get choked up every time I get a letter from Christian, who I sponsor out of the Phillippines. There's also Heifer International, which by a small or large donation, can provide a family with a new way of life completely so that they can provide for themselves. It's all pretty wonderful if you ask me.

This week is sure to be filled with a large to-do list for me: shopping for family and friends, making travel arrangements, eating and drinking way too much with friends before I head to Oregon to do the same thing with my family, hitting the gym as much as possible so none of the said stuffing of face will matter anyway, reflecting on my decisions that brought me both happiness and heartache this year and thinking about those around me who influenced each, what I can do better to contribute to my overall sense of self, not to mention the world to make it a better place - and wishing you, my dear readers, a very lovely holiday filled only with peace and love because that's what you all deserve. I hope you find the perfect gifts for your loved ones and travel safely to all your destinations. Do avoid your crazy aunt's fruit cake tho.

The Universal Fear

When I was a little girl, I thought I was going to marry my brother. He was going to be a fireman and I was going to be a waitress. Big dreams, clearly. But it was what I knew. My family, my security. Why would I ever go away from them? Isn't that what everyone did?

As I got a little older, I, of course, came to realize that only very strange people found their brothers attractive and only stranger ones married them.. and not long after that, began the boy craziness I would rarely ever not feel.

The earliest I remember is in 2nd grade when Laura Gillette and I each shared the same boyfriend, Sean Dewey. He had a blonde bowl cut, very cute freckles all over his face, and put his arm around both of us during show and tell. I thought this was very cool at the time and I was very happy with our arrangement. I had doodled his name all over my backpack and I'm sure when I looked at him, there were cartoon hearts that fluttererd out of my batting eyes.

Tho Laura was a very pretty auburned-brunette with rosy cheeks, she was one of my best friends and I never ever thought to compare myself to her. I had dark brown hair, parted in the middle with strong cowlicks on either side of my forehead, was a little chubby, and since I sucked my thumb until I was probably four, I had very bucked front teeth. But I never didn't feel pretty. I was just me: a happy girl who liked her friends, school, reading and rainbows. That was good enough. Sean seemed to like us both equally and at that age, it was just a given you didn't spend much time with your boyfriend. It was just at school. I mean, forget about kissing. Ew. We just chased the boys on certain days and tickled them when they let us catch them.. and vice versa. That was the extent of those relationships in those days. It didn't get any deeper than that.

In fourth grade, Brenda became my best friend. She was a big-eyed, freckled, blonde, pretty, very thin and taller than me and our babysitters were only two houses away from each other. We couldn't be separated. We also both had a crush on the most popular boy in our class, Ryan Daly. Sandy brown hair and adorably cute, he got along with everyone and we both sort of admired him from afar. Well, until one day he sent Brenda a note. I don't remember much about what, if anything, happened between them, but I remember acutely how jealous I was. I tried to hide it and I think I did. I loved my friend to pieces and I could see how thrilled she was, but I think this was the first time I became aware of what I lacked. My insecurity was born.

Being a grown woman now, you would think at some point those insecurities would've been conquered and quieted - and a lot of them have. You would also think I would've had some more significant relationships that mattered by now, which is true. But I'm one of the rare (?) people who have never had a longer relationship than one year. I've never lived with anyone. Never been married. Never even come close. I've been in love a lot. Genuinely and for real. And I have been loved back just as fiercely. I certainly wouldn't be single if any of those had worked out, but since the longest one, a decade ago, these connections have amounted to less and less time before it takes the other party to decide it isn't working. There are still a few that stand out as important loves, who were passionate, learning experiences for me and they're still people I count as part of my life, but I can see now that all of them were stepping stones to getting where I am now and defining clearly what I want from a partner.

The two most significant ex-boyfriends helped shape my sense of self not because I was with them the longest, but because of the connection we had. And still to this day, it amazes me, knowing them now, how strongly I was pulled in their direction as if they were oxygen and I had been holding my breath my whole life.

Anthony was my second boyfriend here in Seattle. From the moment I met him in line at an audition, I knew he was bad for me. Bad in the way you know a chemistry is good, which made it difficult for the year-long boyfriend I already had. I saw this charming boy solely as a new friend whom I bonded with for a day while we stood in line for this insane cattle call and even talked about my boyfriend quite a bit so I thought that had been established. Knowing what I know now tho, I can see, in retrospect, Anthony saw that as a challenge.

We really clicked, but it was still just platonic for me. I remember soon after we met that we had one particular conversation over the phone where I told him straight up that I loved my boyfriend and wasn't leaving him for Anthony because I just couldn't see us together. And he sounded ok with that. He didn't bring it up again until we were spending more time together than a 'just friends' pair usually does. We talked for hours all the time.. in a way my boyfriend and I never did.. but I kept thinking I was having fun with a new friend.

Then one afternoon, we had a movie moment. You know.. the long gaze before someone is about to leave after spending time with you and you both feel the pull to kiss, but you don't. We talked about it later and I realized it'd only taken him two weeks to completely diminish my loyalty to my boyfriend, which astounded me for how passionately I'd previously sounded in my dedication to him. But during that conversation, Anthony probably manipulated the edge of the fence he knew I was on and he told me he thought I was worth fighting for.. and at that moment, I knew he could offer me something more than my current boyfriend's consistent jealousy and low self-esteem. For two months straight, we never slept apart and I'd never felt so close to someone.

Movie love is great, but ultimately, not long-lasting. Cumulatively, we only dated for about nine months and broke up twice over that year and a half we were trying to figure it out. Tho he helped me become so much more comfortable with myself and being apart of a relationship, he needed more affirmation than one girl could provide. God I was destroyed for months when it was finally over between us.

Tho it felt like an eternity before I let my heart heal from that, it probably wasn't long before I met Ali, a Canadian Iranian, who was a friend of a friend, roommate of someone I'd been casually dating in BC, and long story short, one New Year's Eve night, the timing was perfect and again, I had stars in my eyes.

Ali is still one of the loves of my life I feel. Even after eight years, I still melt at the sound of his voice over the phone. He still calls me his angel and I go completely weak at the knees. But since he lives in BC, it just wasn't realistic to keep love maintained no matter how much we wanted to. It was too hard and made weekends we spent together too pressure-filled to be perfect. But he made me feel beautiful and loved when he would kiss the palm of my hand and then put it to his cheek. And when he told me how my smiles - every one of them because they were all different - were magic, I would blush and smile more and he'd say, 'Yes, that one right there,' and I would feel like the luckiest girl in the world. How can you not love someone like that? I would cry on the way home after every weekend visit because it was so hard to leave him.

During our relationship, we both had some terrific tragedies happen around us that neither of us could've foreseen nor could we bandage very well from that distance. Disappointments and misunderstandings increased and soon we disintegrated. We've had many talks over the years since we've still remained friends, tried to get back together here and there, but one visit we settled it once and for all. We both acknowledged how much we had loved each other, learned from the other, but for both of us, tho the other was someone who'd always remain significant for us, we'd realized that love isn't always enough. You think that if you can get the timing right and you both feel the same way that it will contain you, nurture you, satisfy you.. but that's not always the case. It was an extremely valuable lesson to learn.

Since then, I've mistakenly loved others who haven't been able to return that feeling for whatever reason. Tho I felt that familiar pull to them, they figured out they didn't and probably wouldn't ever feel it for me. Again, timing is everything. Recognizing what you want and not settling is too. And tho I tried the casual thing again recently, I was denying what I really wanted.

When I wrote that last post, I admitted to myself that it's not only ok to want those things I wrote, but if you do and you're not getting them, you should be in a space where they're conducive to finding you and I wasn't. So after some talking, I decided to let Boris go because you can't force someone to give you what they aren't capable of providing and when they tell you what their limitations are, you should believe them.

Because I had to be honest that I fell pretty hard for Boris, I ended things with The Actor as well and find myself licking wounds and not in a place to date anyone right now. I didn't think it was fair to date someone just to avoid being lonely and I couldn't have been very engaged while thinking of someone else I had lost. And since Boris and I have been friends most of the year, it feels heavier because I miss our friendship and now it's going to be awkward and weird until we figure that out.

This is the part I hate about risking.. but you have to admit, risk is not preferential. You have just as much chance at being happy as you do breaking your own heart.. and I willingly take that risk all the time. I know.. I do it to myself, but if I didn't, I think I'd become so bitter I would shrivel up and die and I just can't do that to myself. I refuse to be afraid like that. I believe in hope.

The new year is only a few weeks away and it always reminds me to keep moving forward. I'm not perfect, but I'm happier now than I ever have been with my imperfections. I have my days, but overall, I think more positively. I think I'm getting closer to finding that partner who will take that leap with me because I'm getting better about defining what I'm being offered and knowing it's not going to be enough. Everyone wants love, but not everyone wants to admit it because it makes them vulnerable. Yeah, it's a lot scarier than your second grade crush, but when did we lose that spunk and become so cautious and hesitant? I'm going into this new year welcoming the unknown of opening up, hoping out loud, and asking the Universe for what I want because I'm done settling for less than that.

I'm not a kid anymore and I want love with a partner that doesn't require being shared with a third party. I want something mature and that continues to evolve and grow rather than stagnate and leave me with more questions than answers. I want a love that is fearless.. because there is no room for any other love that is less than that in my life. I want more. And finally, I know it's ok to ask for it.

[An Overthought] Love Poem

I want to be chosen. I want to be pursued. I want to be the priority. I want to be ached for, desired, and loved for me. I want to be needed. I want to be adored, cherished, and protected. Above all others. The most. More than anyone else ever in his past. Because he wants to. Not because he feels obligated. Not because there is no one else. Because I am me. Because I'm the right person. Because I make him laugh. Because he's drawn for reasons that are more than he thinks I'm pretty. But also, in addition to that. Even out of the shower, hair astray. Or in the shower, soap in my eyes, no mystery left.

But there is no choosing. There is just now. It is what it is and there is no name for that. Sometimes that is incredibly frustrating. Sometimes I understand and want to allow for more space. Sometimes I don't know why I feel like I need things to be rushed. Or maybe I'm not rushing. I just want. And the want makes me insist that things happen now. Or soon. Or eventually. But really, does it matter when? Does it even matter if? If I'm not that person. If none of that happens. But if there's a relationship that happens anyway and over time, but that time doesn't equal forever or ‛as long as we both shall live' or whichever is less or whichever is more, does that make it less valid or less acceptable or less what I want?

I want the day to day. The boring of the same old thing. The settled feeling that you can fight and he will still be there tomorrow because what you have matters more than the argument. The stability of reliance when good news needs celebrated and bad news requires a shoulder. Dates for friends' weddings, for birthdays, for New Year's Eve, for Valentine's. A cohort during boring holiday functions for work or family. A sense of ‛we' and still a sense of individuality. Not a single unit, but a partnership that has a force of unity driving it. The person who not only calls you on what you still need to work on, but helps you with that process.

Your balance. Your sounding board. The opinion that matters most. Your emergency contact. The person you kiss goodnight. Every night. Your family. Your shining light at the end of a dark day. The heart that's strong enough to shelter your hopes and dreams and protects you from your fears.

The heart that houses your heart. Because it wants to.

Someone who is yours. Because he wants to be. And so he is.

Holiday Listing

Oh people.. have you noticed that the holiday madness has begun?! I've only witnessed a handful of jewelry commercials thus far, but already, I'm nauseaus not only from their jingles but the continuous pressure of their philosophy that you are simply not loved enough - ergo at all - UNLESS someone gives you diamonds! That, in turn, accompanies the other school of thought that you can't possibly prove your love for someone unless you buy them diamonds as well. And we aren't talking cubic zirconia my friends. No, no we are not.

Also, I was driving up Queen Anne hill Monday night and I saw not one, not two, but THREE fully decorated and lit CHRISTMAS TREES in windows! WTF? Do they not know the rule? Are they new?? I don't get it. It isn't even Thanksgiving yet! You just don't put out your tree til the day after and that's at the earliest. I mean.. of all the nerve.. skewing the whole established process. Clearly these people have too much time on their hands because I have a tree too! I do. You all saw it last year. It's tiny and silver and made of like.. aluminum or something cuz it bends and it's just wee, but I haven't put it out, which would take all of 6.3 seconds including decoration, because IT'S JUST WRONG.. and, well.. I have no time to do anything like that. I'm even behind on blogging and blog reading, which of course, is the more important of these tasks.. but STILL! THE OUTRAGE! THE TRAGEDY OF IT ALL!

So I am taking it one day at a time and not jumping to December 25th before the turkey's even carved this week. However, it's not like I'm not being realistic about it. I do know there are only three paychecks before Christmas, which means since I've not done any shopping ahead of time, that a little frugality will have to be employed - also, I just decided I'm giving my mother cash. She can't stick that in a closet for a year and never wear it, right? Or leave it in the envelope it came in and forget about it after it's left or lost in a drawer somewhere like any of the many gift certificates I've given her for spa treatments, manicures, etc. Oh no. Cash talks. Cash walks. It practically slaps you in the face with its screaming of 'I'm the best present EVER!'

I sort of wish everyone was like my grandmother tho. She's always telling us not to get her anything because she's old and will die soon. Um.. thanks Gram. That's.. cheery.

So because the holiday is approaching, I thought a list would be appropriate because honestly, I barely have time to pack and get going on this eternal drive south I have to do tonight. I also had a date Monday night after I went to the gym, which was vital to my plan of attempting to counteract all the eating and not moving that is also planned this weekend. Loren and I had a best friend belated birthday date where we ate all the best fish in the whole wide world so lovingly prepared at my friend, Dan's, restaurant, Matt's In The Market and since we never spend time together unless I force him to share birthday parties with me, we languished over decadent food and good conversations.

And here we are today, where I have to mentally prepare myself to spend Five. Whole. Days. with my family and all their little dogs.. and shopping at the crack-of-ass dawn the day after thru manic crowds of people buying unnecessary things, waving their credit cards like zombies.. Ok.. that might be a little bit fun, especially if I come back with a cute little sweater number or something for me. Seriously, baby needs a new turtleneck.

Ok.. ANYWAY. Listing.. Go!

* Boys boys and more boys. Liking a couple, trying not to fall for one specifically and hoping I can live in the moment a bit longer.. but egads, it's tough when you'd rather have one person all to yourself because it's certainly not unreasonable to think you deserve someone who knows what he wants and part of that is him wanting only you. I hate being that girl who's waiting. Pfffft. That's how I feel about that.

* Work has been stressful in uber amounts. Not enough people, not enough time, everything rushed. My boss is frustrating, change is hard, and I have no idea how these new positions are going to improve anything. No one believes it will. I guess we'll see come December 1st when the re-org hits. I'm bracing myself. I am braced.

* Do you know that Shine is the best baker on the planet? You probably don't. But I'm going to tell you. She made two loaves of banana bread last week and ohmygod. Seriously, best I've ever had. She, of course, thought it bland and in need of nutmeg. I denounced that idea right there, I did! I bet her baking skills alone could bring about world peace. I mean, really, how can you bomb a building when you're sitting there raving about baked goods? I ask you..

* I was just wondering.. what do you think Britney will be thankful for this year? That she was one of the only celebrities who didn't end up in jail? But just barely.

* I bet you can't guess how many movies I'm going to be forced to watch this weekend. I bet you can't.. so I'll help you. My guess is.. 73. This includes every animated feature by Disney and Pixar most likely. True story. The damn tv is on all the time at Mom's house and with all the family there and 85 kids and grandkids and someone else's kids it will be unavoidable. If I go blind by the end of this weekend, you'll know why.

* Cheese, wine and bread are pretty much my winter staples. Do you know these are fattening? This should be against the law. Who do I have to write? Who do I email? Is there a congressman or a senator? Maybe one who's preferably drunk and chewing on a bit of olive bread with brie on it? I'm just saying.

* Ok ok. I guess I should list what I'm thankful for, but I sort of did it on my birthday post: My friends (you all know who you are - and most don't read this blog anyway.. ahem), my family, a roof over my head, my cute kitty, the love I feel around me, the ability to give that love back freely, the perspective to keep seeing my mistakes and trying to prevent how I can stop making them in the first place, my fabulous new roomie, Shine and her dog, Moo, and um.. bread, wine and cheese! What? I'm thankful for them so very much! I really am!

I hope you all have a wonderful holiday weekend filled with family and friends and fantastic food. I will raise a spoonful of my cranberry sauce in toast to you all!

Curtain Call

So the first week of 36 has been a whirlwind of activity. I've come home exhausted every night this week from something and the days have been long and filled with fantasies of napping. Seriously.

Birthday recovery evolved to a a night out on the town on Tuesday to see Into The Woods with Shine, that tho it's our favorite musical, was only a lukewarm production. That touch of disappointment was quickly replaced with a high level of stress and almost tears while trying to create programs for MonoLodge III, the show I'm producing for Unicycle, which in turn did nothing to prevent the combo rush of adrenaline and anger over a co-worker's nose-butting where it didn't belong and consequently a very long discussion with HR today. Yes, aren't you just exhausted from reading about it? Yet, the bonus - and I mean that literally - is that there will be a promotion with a subsequent title change, the programs turned out beautifully with only one teensy misspelling of someone's name, but Shine helped me get them done for free - a double good thing - and the rest of the weekend is looking rather hopeful.

The show opens tonight amidst much excitement. I've no doubt it's going to be a success because it's already run smoother than the last two they've put together. I had a lovely chat with one of the founders last night about how they'd like me to continue to be involved, produce again if I'd like, and how we should all sit down to discuss future roles and ideas and actually, what I'd like to see come out of it for me. It's been a long time since someone asked me what I wanted - really wanted - out of something.. and I didn't have an answer at the time, but it felt really good to be asked.

I also reached a very comfortable understanding with all the over-thinking I was doing regarding all these boys. I really did just forget how to live moment to moment and once I stopped freaking out remembered, things sort of fell into a lovely space of getting to know the two men who currently have my curiosity piqued.

Boris and I started out as friends, but we had a fairly magnetic chemistry from the second we met back in March. We had no choice but to be friends if we wanted to know each other because he wasn't single at the time and tho we did hang out, friendship was all it was. So when that relationship did actually end, to my surprise, there was a bit of confusion and drunken evenings and space taken til I finally just decided that I'd rather be with him however we could figure it out than not at all. So because of all that, I think we're a pretty natural couple. There's a great sense of just genuinely liking each other. I make him laugh. He brings me zen. That seems to bode well so far.

The Actor and I met thru mutual theatre friends.. very casually a few different times after various improv shows, drinks in hand. A few Facebook messages here and there and there I was out with him on a date and tho I wasn't sure he was exactly my type, he was suddenly cute, new.. kind.. but kind of just friendly. After a few more of these, I finally just had to ask if we were really dating cuz honestly, I wasn't sure. He, of course, confirmed that we were so I had a better idea. But he's busier than I am and we aren't seeing each other very often. It forces patience, which = good, tho it does keep us from getting to know each other in a more steadier fashion. When we do see each other, we have a good time, but it's just different than time with Boris. The Actor and I aren't yet as close, but who knows how that will change in time.

Both the men in my life as well as my group of friends completely spoiled me for my birthday. I felt wrapped in a glowing circle of love and affection like I haven't felt in years. I couldn't stop smiling. There was candlelight and drinks at the party, cake that was none like you've ever tasted - Loren had to get one each for both of us, carrot for him and Mexican chocolate for me - many drinks and many pictures. Then there was a dash downtown for some last-minute seats to improv which had the remainder of the party goers ending the night in laughter. The next night The Actor took me to a lovely dinner where we never actually ordered anything. It just all arrived at the table because he knew the semolier. It was rather glorious. Boris is also taking me to one of my favorite plays, Rosencrantz & Guildenstern Are Dead, next week.

I am constantly noticing how as I get older I'm more and more aware of every passing minute, of everything I still have yet to work on, of how things actually are sort of coming together - career, creativity, comfort, a sense of identity.. love. I feel like I'm making better choices, not stumbling so much, and trying to appreciate every little thing I can - friends, family, events, memories made. I've always been detailed, as you all have to know, but as I try to take in everything going on, I find it's sometimes harder to let go of them too. I hope I look back when I'm old and gray and recognize that I really lived, I really loved with everything I had, and I truly know who I am. I think I'm finally on the path that will get me there.. and it feels really good.

36 Happens

Hey you guys - um.. guess what? Did you know you can't stay 35 forever? Ok, well, I knew it too. Just testing you.

So hey, the last year has gone so fast.. hasn't it? Is it true that as you get older, time goes by faster? Or do you just forget that time actually passed?

Anyway.. HI! I was born THIS DAY! Let's focus on that! MY BIRTHDAY! YAY!

And over the course of this year.. I've learned stuff, right? I think I have.. so let's recap maybe.

* Last fall, Boz, my last ex, and I weren't even friends. Now we are. Pretty decent ones, actually. Not for lack of effort, that's for sure. But we chat, have fun together, celebrate birthdays. I like it. I think that's improvement.

* Jump to this last spring when a close girlfriend emailed me and told me we couldn't be friends anymore for reasons still unknown to me.. and in about 10 minutes, I learned how to instantly stop caring for someone I dearly loved.

* I took a trip to Black Rock City, Nevada for Burning Man with my good friend, Pixie. Something I really wasn't sure I'd ever do in my life, but she inspired me, tolerated me, made me feel a bit brave and a lot more proud of myself for camping an entire week in a dusty lake bed. It opened my eyes to new things and new people and gave us an experience that bonded us closer. I love that we'll always have that.

* There are actually times I don't interrupt people when they're talking - my customers, my friends.. I know! It's crazy! And shockingly, I'm not sure anyone has noticed.

* Unbelievably, other than the second point, and I let that go the moment I knew it was gone, there's been little to no drama this entire year. In fact, I know of some drama I was indirectly involved in and I actually stayed out of it! Yup, I know. You can pick your mouths up from off the floor now.

* In addition to not interrupting as much, I listen better, I'm more positive, I feel stronger and sometimes even smarter. I kick ass at Scrabble these days.

* I made two major purchases last year that made me so happy: My Mac that I LOOOOOVE and has consequently caused much more computer-addiction, but that's ok. I'm a COMMUNICATOR! It was necessary. Also, there was a shocking wake up call and a sad goodbye to the severely destroyed Focus due to last year's winter storm in December but that only led to the purchase of my current beauty, my shiny and zoom zoomy Mazda 3 that I love love love. We call her Miss Daisy because I drive her. She rocks.

* I'm not a lot closer with my family than I used to be, but it's better and it's so nice to see them so much happier these last years than they have been. Or maybe it's the way we're treating each other. I think we're all becoming friends and it's a nice transition.

* I'm a lot more comfortable with myself these days - with my goofiness, my body, my emotional capacity. I'm more myself now than I was last year - than any year before - calmer in some ways, happier in others. I accept not everyone will take to liking me, loving me, having any affinity for me whatsoever a lot more readily than I used to. Hey.. I'm not everyone's cup of tea.. and that's really ok. That kind of popularity's a bitch.

* I watched my niece, Lulu, turn 1 and start to look more like her mother every day as she demolished her birthday cake and wiped it all over her party dress. She walks now and last time I saw her, she walked right over to me and motioned for me to pick her up and sit her in my lap. My heart grows two sizes every time she smiles at me.

* I feel blessed. I have great friends, a great new roommate and a happy home, a job that isn't sucking the life out of me and in which I may be promoted in a month, enough affection to keep me smiling and secure and feeling a sense of being cared for.

* Also this morning, Miss Shine got up before me, which was unusual, I got in the shower and when I came out, there was a bouquet of daisies on the table and four big mylar balloons - three stars and a bigger silver one that says 'Happy Birthday' waiting for me. Um.. also also, there maybe even were Cinnabon cinnamon rolls in the oven! FOR ME! THEN she served one up, all toasty warm with a candle in it and sang me her family's special birthday song! Aren't you frickin jealous?! You still can't have her, in case you forgot. I think she might be one of the best birthday gifts this year.

I've lived this year. A lot more ups than downs, which I think depends on how you look at it all. This was a pretty good year. Mostly, I remember smiling a lot.

So I'll officially be 36 at 10:58pm tonight and will raise a plastic glass filled with something alcoholic just before Spin The Bottle starts, where my friends and I will be tonight, and I'll wish myself another good year that doesn't fall in my lap, but rather that I make happen. I did it this year. I consciously asked the universe to provide happiness and strength, but I made a deal that if the opportunities were presented, good or bad, I would roll with either and make lemonade out of the lemons, find the silver lining in the dark clouds.. or any other cliché as long as the universe worked with me and not against me. Course it could've just been that my perspective changed a little too.

That's right people.. it's called growth. Whoo hoo! I'll take another year of that please!

Playing The Game And Fouling Out

I'm on the precipice of a moral dilemma. Well.. sort of. I'm dating.. I'm dating a lot. Not being introduced to someone new every week. Nothing like that. I'm dating a few people that I'm getting to know little by little, every time I spend and evening out.. or in.. with them. And I like it. It feels good. It feels sane, at least for me.

I'm a girl who never used to be able to separate love and sex. Or rather.. I couldn't separate the emotion from sex. I had the emotion. I felt the attachment. The guy didn't understand because to him it was just sex. Of course he liked me.. but he was also a guy.. driven by a natural sexual desire and that's simply all it was. Whereas for me.. I'm more an emotional creature. Sex can connect the emotion for me and make it stronger. Not all women are like that, but I would say it's more common with women than men.

As I get older, there are times I feel ready to settle down, fall in love, possibly start a family or get a couple of dogs, buy a house.. feel a real sense of belonging. And I had that feeling up until recently.. when the Cute Boy Gate was suddenly left wide open or Timing finally worked in my favor, which never happens, and I was being pursued. Often and by many. I know. I'm as surprised as you are because hi.. where were these people the rest of this year? When the last 9 or 10 months have been a frickin dating desert?! I ask you.. where? And now, there are choices and maybe that sounds wrong to some people.. tarting it up or not openly discussing who and how many with every single person because it hasn't come up, but I'm willing to be honest about whatever they want to know. They haven't exactly asked either.. and that tells me that a) they don't want to know.. or, more than likely, b) they're doing the exact same thing.

I've been told by male friends tho that once a guy finds out he has competition, the tables will turn on me. Men don't like knowing you have other possibilities. Also, if they ask you if you're seeing other people, they have to be prepared to answer the same question and I think that's unsettling for some of them since it could ultimately lead to a related conversation of wanting or not wanting something monogomous and/or *GASP* committed!

But tho I like to think I'm hip and open-minded.. I'm still me and I know I'll go back and forth between wanting to feel sexy and free to be with whomever I wish.. and maybe wanting just one person to get close to and brush my teeth with at night. It waivers when I start to have those tingly feelings in my stomach and there's one person so far this could maybe be happening with, but Timing, not being on my side EVER (Hi.. uh, yeah.. Timing? Can we talk about this bi-polar/love-hate thing you have with me? What did I ever do to you?!) will be keeping this person distanced emotionally from me to a degree for an undetermined amount of time. Not to mention, I just realized, that when he does want something monogamous, and he's said he will eventually because that's in his nature, that I thought for some reason, he was going to pick me. Not that he's ever given me any indication of that at all, like with actual words or something audible like that. Sigh.. I hate being a girl sometimes.

There's been no talk of commitments.. just disclosure - what to tell each other. What's my business and what isn't when it comes to talking about these other people we're seeing? I'm really open and if they want to know, all they need to do is ask, yet, he never does and well.. we all know I do because I feel it's necessary - just for my sanity, which at the beginning you remember I said this dating multiple people thing was helping me maintain. But um.. have we ever discussed how maybe it's me who's bi-polar? Ugh.

And when should I just accept whatever information he wants to provide? Because to me, the more info = the more secure I am because I know what's going on and I know where I stand. Not that I need to know extreme details, but as I'm writing this.. I think God.. it's not my business who he's seeing if I'm willing to be a part of something casual right now.. which means I might not be able to continue with this casual path for too long because I've simply grown too attached to this one person and it's not in my nature to be able to avoid jealousies nor do I have this amazing ability to share those I'm intimate with. So it's a matter of how patient I can be and how much I can protect myself and that just means limiting what I give of me, including my availability. And it also means I have to continue to date others and if someone else comes along who's pretty great.. then.. that might change things..

This one likes me. That I know for sure, but he's happy living things moment to moment right now.. and at the same time, actually wants to work on this communication issue we have, which is admirable and I appreciate, but I don't understand. Why would a guy want to work on a relationship that he can't see any further into but the present? Maybe that's more a question for Indy and his readers. Maybe I just don't understand the guy perspective and/or motivation clearly enough. Maybe I'm making it more complicated than it is.

Maybe I should get a hobby.

Keanu Doesn't Bake Either

She answered my ad for a roommate with an email that included a top ten list:

Top 10 Reasons I'd be a Fantastic Housemate!

10. I can balance food on my nose and catch it in my mouth. HOURS of entertainment! Great family fun!

9. I have a tennis trophy. I'd let you hold it and pretend it's a Grammy award or an Oscar and I'll listen to your acceptance speech.

8. I can quote Friends at the drop of a hat. Seriously. If you have a life problem, I can solve it for you by using a Friends quote. Example? Let's say you have a fear of heights. I'd just say, "Face your fears! You're afraid of heights? You climb to the top of the Empire State Building! Afraid of bugs?. . .uh. . .get a bug!"

7. I don't like to brag, because I'm oh so humble, but I can bake a MEAN chocolate chip cookie. Seriously. Best you'll ever have.

6. I would give someone $1 to buy a soda and I WOULDN'T EVEN MAKE THAT PERSON PAY ME BACK!

5. I'd play hopscotch with you. We could bring hopscotch back with a vengeance! And then, every time they play hopscotch in the Olympics, they'd talk about how, back in 2007, we brought hopscotch back. With a vengeance, they'll say.

4. I'm a good rhymer. And I don't mean like rime, which is frosty and covers everything in the winter time. I mean like hat and cat. But even better than that.

3. I can rap Eminem's Lose Yourself without messing up more than 3 times.

2. I'll drop your name in conversations. Let's say I'm grocery shopping and I have a question about the freshness of the tilapia. Here's how I'd phrase my question to the fishmonger:"Excuse me, sir? Could you please tell me how fresh your tilapia is? Also, (your name here) is awesome. Oooh, is that Alaskan salmon?"

1. I don't screw people over. Because that would make me a jerkface. And I wouldn't want to be a jerkface, especially after I made a Top Ten List.

So yes. There you go. More about me? My name is Shine* and I'm 26 (blahblahblah.. more stuff about her that she'd probably prefer I didn't plaster all over the InterWeb).

I should confess something, before I go any further in this email: I sing in the shower *and* when I'm cooking. This might not seem important but I'm really not the greatest singer of our time. I'm not even the greatest singer of days of Yore. I could have *maybe* held my own in Yester Year though, but please don't quote me on that.

Now, here's my Important Thing: I come with a very sweet and *very* mellow Chocolate Lab. Her name is Moo** and she's in training for her first half-marathon. She wears butterfly wings when we go running because she lost a bet. Moo's hobbies include sleeping, sleeping, moving to the other side of the room and sleeping, running, following me around the kitchen whilst I cook, hoping I toss her a piece of asparagus or a garlic clove, sleeping, and playing tug of war with her favorite blanket. Moo has never, ever snapped at anyone or anything. If you'd like to do a background check on her, let me know and I'll send you her SS# and date of birth. She's happy to provide references upon request. She'd also enjoy making her own Top Ten list, should you require it.

I just realized I wrote more about my dog than I did about myself. Awesome.

I'm open to any questions you might have, so feel free ask! In the meantime, have a lovely day and eat something delicious!

Warmly,
Shine

*******

So I responded appropriately:

OhMYgod.. can you move in now?

*******

She was so funny that I told her I may just have to write a whole blog post about her.. like now.. if she didn't mind.. and she wrote back:

Please feel free to post anything I write anywhere. It's all part of my theory that the more exposure I get, the sooner Keanu Reeves will find me and ask me to be his plaything. And honestly? That will be the best day of my LIFE.

Ain't no sunshine when I'm gone,
Shine

* Gasp *

And there it was.. in all its illumintating shock and awe. Her only fault seems to be this irrational affinity for Keanu Reeves and I explained further when she asked what some of my likes and dislikes were that he was noted on the dislikes, but he wasn't alone:

Keanu Reeves & Winona Ryder - both winners of Miss D's Unable To Act Out Of Paper Bag award and honorary Why Do We Still Care About You People ribbons.

Yet she persisted:

Part of the beauty of Keanu is that he *can't* act. At all. Yet people keep hiring him, which intrigues me. Why do they keep hiring him? It must be because he's the greatest talent of our time. I keep waiting for him to bust out some phenomenal acting chops in a role and shock the hell out of everyone in the entire world. When that happens, wars and violence will end. Children will receive excellent public education. We will travel, as a planet, back to a simpler time where there is no pollution or poverty. All because Keanu Reeves finally acted his way out of that paper bag.

But I completed our discussion:

Wow. It's really sad that Keanu will never ever surprise anyone ever in the history of the whole world like you think might be possible because now all the children will stay stupid and poor and mean people will still exist and gays will never get married.. Maybe you should tell him about this weight he unknowingly carries so he can put himself out of his misery.. and ours.

Or so I thought:

And whatever. Keanu is pretty. And you'll owe me a cookie when he saves mankind.

So ok.. she might have me there.. but although Keanu and his saving of the entire world is pretty far fetched, the girl is pretty great. Yesterday, PMS was all up in my business and messing with my day for no good reason, but when I got home, she was just finishing baking two loaves of pumpkin bread AND a couple dozen chocolate chip cookies. With extra chocolate chips!! How much does she rock? I know.. SO much. Hey.. don't get any ideas. Back off! She's mine!

* Yes I helped with her nickname/blog alias. Plus, she's very shiny.. and not in an oily way.
** Yes, even the dog needed one too. Plus we do call her that. So there.

Birds Of A Feather

We met thru someone neither of us know any longer. She was distant and protected, I could tell, but there was something bright about her that I gravitated towards.

On a day her heart had been broken, coffee plans were replaced with making sure she knew she didn't have to be alone in her broken-ness. And we've been friends ever since.

I find her to be one of the most magnetic people I've ever met, not to mention one of the most beautiful spirits, inside and out.

She's taught me not to wait for Halloween to dress up and in that vein, how I can still be me, but freer. I would like to think I've shown her not all female friendships are competitive and that the good ones deserve maintenance, but also, that they're not so difficult if they're based in love and mutual appreciation.

Honestly, I drive her crazy sometimes.. and she's frustrated me a few times as well. Like any relationship - friend or lover - fighting doesn't mean it's not a good partnership and when the misunderstandings are aired out, we are better friends and closer for it.

She's going to relocate one day soon. Too soon. I can't discuss it at all because simply thinking about it makes me all selfish and sad.

I don't agree with people who say we only have one soul mate in life and define them as purely a romantic interest. I think you get a few who come to you thru different avenues and who provide an important connection that you cling to and feed off of. She is one of those people for me and I have no idea how I'm going to say goodbye to her when she goes. I don't think she knows that I'm simply not going to let her leave.

Part 5: The Never-Ending Story And Maybe A Few Things That Happened A Lot More Recently

So you guys.. I didn't mean for this story to continue on for like.. a century plus infinity times forever. I didn't. Honest! And I would like to finish it. I mean, I would frickin LOVE to finish this story, which is what I'm going to attempt to do here, TODAY.. but yours truly is so damn busy all of a sudden that it really is hard to find the time for my blogging obligations.

I don't mean to make excuses, but seriously, cute men might come before you. I hate to say it, but I just can't lie about it and seriously you would not believe my options have exponentially increased. I mean, I'm no mathematician, but zero + anything is exponential, right? Something like that. Either way, it sort of rocks.

Why is it always feast or famine tho? Can someone tell me? Is there a season the Cute Boy Gate is opened? And who's in charge of that? Can I write a letter? Send an email? Is there a schedule? Because wow.. I'm not complaining, but it's almost difficult to choose at this time, which is exactly why I'm not because hi.. I'm not that stupid.

There is also this producing gig I'm doing for the theatre company, Unicycle, that I'm part of. You guys.. I'm a producer! I'm the producer! That title doesn't suck, does it? No. No it does not. But it means I have Official Work To Do and Vast Responsibilities for the show coming up in November that include but aren't limited to arranging all the people, making sure all their information is correct, I have ushers and food for the after party and programs and press releases to um.. release and God I hope I don't suck at this cuz it would be not so good for me and my friends would have to remove my producer crown and I sort of maybe super-glued it on so that would be painful. So wish me luck!

********************
The Burning Man Extravaganza Finished Once And For All - No Really, This Time It's Going To Happen I Swear!


After all the excitement of the dirty dirty storm, we were pretty starved and came up with a great idea to join forces and supplies with our neighboring camps and created a nice little Mexican feast together. Kat, being exhausted from her social schedule that kept her out til past dawn most days, crashed immediately afterwards until right when I was about to leave for the evening. She was still so tired she could barely communicate so I told her to sleep and I'd walkie her later about the events going on.

Out on the playa, the population had grown immensely. You could feel the energy of everyone's communal excitement and anticipation for the burn on Saturday. But since it was the start of the weekend, there were various other things going on involving plenty of fire. I discovered an Inca-like temple earlier on in the week and when I rode by it Friday night, there was a smaller burn ceremony happening there. I was actually on my way over to Crude Awakening, the oil derrick and its statues, as it was supposed to be burned that night too, but while leaving the burn of this Incan temple, this random boy said he'd heard they weren't doing it that night and instead were going to do it on Saturday after they burned the Man. Then he gave me a little green stained glass dragonfly ornament. Odd exchange.. and yet welcomed.

Having to always find out things for myself, I headed out to the oil derrick and sure enough, I heard people saying what I'd already been told and the lights were out that had lit up the installation so you couldn't see it anyway. Disappointed, I walkied Kat to tell her not to rush now, but she was already fast asleep - poor exhausted thing - so on my own I went in search of other entertainment.

I killed a couple of hours just taking in the sites, dancing at different places and finally ended at Opulent Temple around 2:00 on the Esplanade where I'd heard Paul Oakenfold, a well-known trance dj, was going to be spinning at 11pm. Tho it was a little early, I thought I'd find a little spot to groove where I could see the action and planted my wiggly self on the middle platform right in front. Pixie found me and for a while cut a few rugs with me, but then mosied on to find other distractions. I chatted up the two girls next to me from Toronto and we busied ourself bordering our places on the platform and keeping it to ourselves. We had a great location.

Because people kept coming and going out of the dj booth, I asked the boy dancing next to me if he knew if one of them was Paul Oakenfold and he said no, but he'd point him out to me when he came on. Boy and I kept chatting it up, just friendly, but I had to eye him after a bit because he had on these fabulous american flag/Uncle Sam pants that you couldn't not notice. Then I maybe really checked him out. Thick, blonde hair, sorta wavy, great smile, nice guy.. sort of looked like Fred from Scooby Doo actually. And I thought.. can't be gay. And also.. hi.. CUTE!

So we danced for hours, chatted more, went back to his RV (which hellooo, an RV! Not a tent! This was extravagance!) right next to the club because he was part of the Opulent Temple camp, met some of his friends who were all really cool and also, headed out on their own site-seeing/dancing missions, and then we found ourselves alone in the RV, got a little more comfortable and got to know each other a little better. Ahem. Boy was a corporate securities lawyer in San Francisco. Of course! Successful and cute? Has to live out of town. He couldn't have been sweeter tho. Very cool guy.

The next morning - YES, we're now at Saturday! Whoo hoo! - once it started to get hot, someone got up and turned on the AIR CONDITIONING! Dear God, it was genius! Through groggy eyes a light went on in my head and I thought.. next year, the RV is the way to go. And I went back to cuddling with my blonde attorney.

We slept later than I had all week and his friends couldn't stop talking about the doughnuts they were going to make and how I had to stay for them. People.. doughnuts! Homemade! Dipped in cinnamon, sugar and cocoa. That's what I had for breakfast! It was WAY better than trail mix and apple sauce, I'll tell you that. They were like a little pastry orgasm, they were so good. And while his friend was making that, everyone chatted, got dressed and made plans for the burn later. But time was passing quite fast being around 3pm already so my attorney and I got a move on towards the other side of the playa to get in some dancing.


We headed towards 9:00 and H or I street where The Deep End was going strong, but before we got too far, a margarita bar appeared out of no where like an alcoholic's oasis. We heard the rumbling of a blender - a blender, people - and we stopped on a dime to take part. We were very quickly handed a cup filled to the brim and then we smelled a barbecue going. It was silly to be shocked by it all again, but the whole idea of a motorcycle engine powered blender and margaritas in the middle of the frickin desert still had me giggling like a little kid unbelieving this magical adult playground we were in.

Not to be delayed too long from our central goal of the day, we continued on to the main afternoon event at The Deep End. There were a few hundred people there easily, the music was incredibly awesome and I was still taking in all the people-watching there was to do.
Exhibitionists with little on, a staged show that The Deep End put on themselves - one with all guys, another with all girls - and then every so often, someone would come out with a nuclear-sized power washer and spray down the crowd, who acted like parched revelers worshipping their sun god. I kept asking myself where else in the entire world were you going to find something like this? No where.. ever.

Tho The Attorney and I were getting rather cozy while dancing, it was starting to get late. He'd invited me to hang out with him for the big burn so we left The Deep End, stopped by my camp to pick up things and introduced him to Kat and Pixie (who both gave me the he's-way-cute looks and a couple of thumbs up as I mouthed 'lawyer' and 'I so rock, right?' or something to that effect), and then we were off again.

On the way up 7:30, we had to stop mid-way for a pre-burn drink at the Abstinithe Camp (Get it? You get it, right? Ok.. fyi, it took me like three trips riding by this place to get it.. I kept thinking, man they misspelled that.. Yes, I know, Mensa really missed the boat on me, right?) and I'd never had absinthe before. And I found out why. Ew. Wow. Strong. But they had over 50, that's FIFTY, kinds of infused absinthe. They burned the sugar into it and everything - and man it was still yucky, but they gave us real glasses and a strong pour and we sat down, talked to some lovely people, and drank away while munching on fresh slices of watermelon.

We were definitely feeling.. something, what I didn't really know as I didn't know what to expect, but then, back at the RV, half of a 'chocolate' heart found its way accidentally into my hands and I was told to eat it.. so um.. I did. And The Attorney took ate his half as well. It was all very hallucinogenic romantic.

We were a tad late getting to the burn, but it didn't matter. The ceremony had started but it was just the collective group of fire dancers en masse and a few large drum circles. Very Survivor-esque but you know.. better and with 50,000 people. The high level of energy was palpable.

With great fanfare, they lit The Man and the crowd cheered big and loud. Then we stood around for a long time waiting for the damn thing to fall down. I tell you, I was like.. this is it? It was.. well.. kind of boring. And it would've been more so, but I was starting to lose my balance, which was a bit unnerving as I was standing completely still and not moving. The Attorney noticed he was feeling the same way, but we didn't know if it was the absinthe or our bit of digested candy. Either way, the clouds and the moon were doing this fantastic kaleidescope dance and I was fairly enamored with all the lights and booming bass from our Vegas-plus-Mad Max-on-acid surroundings.

We heard the kids next to us gushing over what we eventually figured out was an engagement. A very sweet boy literally pimped out in a pimp-style hat and coat and pierced a couple of different ways had proposed to his girlfriend with a faux-hawk and just as many piercings right when they lit The Man on fire. She was showing off her ring like a any blushing bride-to-be as she relayed the details exactly how they happened to the gay boy who'd overheard and instantly became her new best friend. And it was all rather adorable.

After what literally seemed like an hour of staring at The Man and waiting for him to fall down, he finally did. Hallelujah! It was then time to walk over to the oil derrick because one burn for a Saturday surely wasn't enough. Except The Attorney and I noticed that we were having quite the difficult time walking, but not that we were bothered in the least, in fact, we were grinning from ear to ear and giggling like idiots.. and um.. nothing was really that funny. But everything was very pretty!

Because of what we heard to be an overdose by a girl near the oil derrick, we waited for close to three hours, along with the rest of the playa, for something to happen and the natives were getting restless. We were right in front of the border the rangers had set up a good distance away from the structure for safety, but after two hours of being told the ceremony would start 'any minute', we left the crowd in search of a more comfortable place to watch back at the RV. We found ourselves a random couch under a loungy tent probably half a mile or more away from where we were, but with a perfect view.

The fireworks finally started and after a few minutes of that, they lit the fire.. and then what surprised everyone was a gigantic boom no one expected. Fire rose up about a half mile into the sky forming the biggest mushroom cloud I'd ever witnessed and we felt the heat on our faces even from the distance we'd settled ourselves. We couldn't imagine what it would've felt like had we stayed in our original places. See it for yourself. There are other videos there too that show it from different perspectives and get in all the fireworks prior to the explosion, but this is the best one showing how expansive and overwhelming it really was.

Afterwards, the playa was busy with the dispersing human traffic heading to other venues. The Attorney and I retired to the RV to be alone and tho we could've stayed up all night as one of my other favorite trance dj's, Christopher Lawrence, was spinning at the Opulent Temple next door, we were both pretty exhausted and fell asleep to the lullaby of heavy bass.

On Sunday morning, I said goodbye to The Attorney's friends and he and I left for my 'home' across the playa except that my tricked-out ride wasn't where I'd left it in front of their RV. It'd been pinched! This was totally frustrating because seriously, the walk back was long, it was frickin hot for just 11am and I was also worried because it wasn't mine. It was Pixie's and she'd mentioned hers was stolen the night before. Oh the tragedy!

We made it half way to Center Camp for something cold to break up the walk in the heat and it was buzzing with the energy of the last day. A barista stood up on the counter and announced a fellow burner's gernerosity of buying all the drinks that $20 could buy for the people behind him as well as reminding the rest of us that this was what Burning Man's purpose was - to go out and make someone's day. Clapping and cheers followed.. and when we got to the front of our line, our drinks had also been paid for by a burner trumping the former $20 gift with his own $100 spot. So tho my bike was stolen, there was still a gift offered. Not a precise replacement, but not a bad start to the day after all.

At my camp, The Attorney wrote down his info, we said our goodbyes and the girls gathered around to hear my stories from the last couple of days since I'd been pretty absent doing my own thing. Then there was just a collective look between the three of us and we decided we were all probably ready to head home. Pixie needed to stay to see if she could retrieve any or all of the 'borrowed' bikes and had friends to caravan with. Kat and I packed up as much as we could in her little ride, arrived in the line around 4pm and noticed it stretched on for miles. It took about two and a half hours of going no miles an hour, but when we finally hit paved road, we couldn't have been happier.

On the way, we discovered a gas station open all night who, thru a stroke of genius, set up a backyard barbecue for the traveling burners and we ate like the desert survivors we were, crashed at a very cute motel and had the first shower and first solid sleep we'd had in a full week.

During the drive, there was a lot of the-week-in-review talk.. but Kat summed it up best, I thought, when she declared, rather out of no where about the rest of the world we were passing by, "All these people.. they have no idea." And without any explanation, I knew exactly what she meant.

For a girl who hates dirt and camping, I can't wait to go back. I completely understand the signs now that said 'Welcome home' when we first arrived. That's what it feels like and all three of us, with other friends, are already making plans for next year. Treena is even slated to join us. Maybe some of you out there will as well and if so, please make sure to find our camp and say hello. Cheers!

Look how we clean up! And OH! How tan! Ok, that's what tan looks like on Kat.

Part 4: The Weather's Beautiful! Wish You Were Here!

Here's where things start to get confusing. My intention in telling my little Burning Man story wasn't to go day by day. I thought two posts.. maybe three at most.. but I've found that, to no surprise to all of my five readers, I'm just too damn detailed and want to remember every bit that I can myself. I enjoy reliving it as well as trying to share this experience that truly is something that can hardly be described and really needs to be witnessed for yourself. That being said, I don't think I'm doing half bad - tho like I said - this is where I may have lost myself in the storytelling.

I left off on Wednesday night and I just realized that maybe most of that happened on Thursday. Also I just remembered I completely forgot the bit about the crazy guy who lit The Man on fire early and was arrested! And this is where you say, oh well, like it matters.. but see, it does to me! Also because I'm also realizing that honestly, I think I'm a bit OCD. No, really. Not to the point I need to rewrite the last few posts.. or shut doors six times or anything.. but it does point to the fact that all the days sort of ran together, tho the storms and my camera-losing were fairly specific time markers. Still the wandering on Wednesday night with Kat and her friends happened and the meeting of Random Guy and wandering on my own. The tiff with Pixie, losing the camera, and the first big storm were definitely Thursday. Again, you're saying.. uh.. doesn't matter.. move along.. which.. yes! Getting to now! Ok!

Finishing Thursday - for realz.

One of my favorite things that happened at Burning Man was something I never even witnessed, but I discovered after I returned home. It's called The White Procession and is just a silent walk out to the Temple Of Forgiveness on Thursday morning at dawn. The video intro is a bit lengthy, but stick with it, because the whole thing is beautiful. I really can't describe it more than that. You have to see it for yourself.

Thursday was the only day I made actual plans. And, fyi, no one makes plans for the most part at Burning Man. You just can't. You are like a child newly diagnosed with ADD and you're pulled in so many directions that even the most planny-type person would be late and distracted and would forget where they were originally headed. Not that I'm one of those people. Planny yes. On time.. um.. no.. but yay that I was so accepted!

I'd met this very nice person at the little coffee camp I was frequenting most mornings who happened to be a part of the Cirque Bezerk camp, which was just a small little camp of oh, about 250 people. Now THEY were planny type people. They had a real circus top tent that came with clowns and acrobats and fire dancery people and everything. And they were putting on a show on Thursday for sure around 8pm. That was the only thing I was set on seeing because of all things that Burning Man embodied, the circus always seemed to be the first thing that came to mind so I was thrilled there was actually a real live circus on site with all its circusy folk there. Who knew?!

I stopped by my shiny friend Sparkle/Mark's camp on the way, but he was sleeping, so I rode over to the big top on my own. Like every event there 'planned' for a certain time, it wasn't even close to hitting 8pm sharp. More like 9:30.. and then it wasn't Cirque Bezerk performing that night, but one of the other circus camps they were hosting so tho the performances were random and kind of funny and included a very cute clown who stripped down to nothing just because.. eventually there were just one too many fire jugglers/dancers/twirly type things going on. I sort of felt like there were three hours I saw a lot of the same thing I'd already seen. Fire dancing and juggling are great, but after so much of it, I would like someone to come up with something new. Maybe some spontaneous combustion? I don't know.. it's a thought.

Before the show started, an older guy called Flowers struck up a conversation with me about the circus camp and while we were sitting together kept saying who he'd introduce me to and where we would go next and I was ok with it at first. Then his 'friends' arrived. One was a blonde woman with fake boobs named Bubbles. It was appropriate. Later, we'd run into her again before Flowers and I parted ways, and ironically, she'd be the only one in the group who'd remember my name.

Unfortunately for Flowers, he did what Random Guy did the night before and I found myself inexplicably stuck with someone who probably thought there was more connection established than there really was. When he started talking about his former relationships and how hooking up at Burning Man wasn't actually as easy as some people thought, I knew I needed to be moving on and found a delicate way out.

Lucky for all of you I think that was the rest of the night.. Yay for you.

So FRIDAY.

Friday was The Best Day. Definitely my favorite. First and foremost because I was up relatively early, was bathed and ready for the day - which you seriously don't think is a huge deal til you're there, but if you can beat the sun and aren't boiling in your tent while you're baby wiping all your 1000 parts, then it makes ALL the difference, I promise you - and off I went to my favoritest little coffee camp for some caffeine and some friendly chat to start my day.

After that, I went for breakfast at 9:00 where the Pancake Playhouse camp was set up and got myself in line. Talking with the other anxious Pancake Waiters, I realized I was supposed to bring my own plate, but if not, someone would give me theirs since everyone was encouraged to reuse things like that. And I'm not one to be grossed out by someone's syrupy plate - well, not until Real Life Homeless Guy approached me - and as I was trying to figure out why this guy really and truly looked actually homeless - at an event where tickets cost actual money - and asked me if I wanted his plate - a plate that was sort of pathetic looking with half-eaten pancakes.. but I didn't really know the rules and felt obligated so I said, "Sure," rather unconvincingly. When I took a good look at the gift that I'd been offered, I noticed that in addition to leftover pancakes, there were a couple of yummy strings of hair. HAIR! ON THE PLATE! ALL SYRUPY! EW EW EW!

I was actually speechless for a moment and sort of looked at the other people around me like.. 'Help.. please?' Then a very lovely older woman holding an entire package of new paper plates sweetly asked, "Honey, would you like a clean plate?" and I thought I was going to kiss her. Not that anyone would've thought that was weird there.. but my point is, I was oh-so grateful.

Fully caffeinated and fed, off I went towards the main goal of the morning: to retrieve my lost camera.

I stood in line at the Lost & Found trailer with a few other people until each of them had taken their turn for their question - one for his misplaced backpack, one for her stolen bike, another for her cousin's boots she wore to Center Camp and accidentally left there (??) - and each were denied. So when it was finally my turn, I looked at my gifter earnestly, described the specifics of my little Sony camera and watched him shut his door secretly to go in search of my request. He opened the door, like the keeper of the Emerald City from The Wizard Of Oz, but nicer, and asked me what I last took pictures of. Trying not to hope too much, I told him they were of the statues at the oil derrick and he shut the door again, opened it up just a few seconds later, and there was my hot little camera staring me in the face. He barely got out, "Is this it?" before I was jumping up and down, hands in the air, and hugging him a big thank you. One of the other guys in line gave me a full double high five on my way out. Yes, it was going to be a good day!

You'd think the day couldn't get any better, but you'd think wrong. Oh it got better. Exponentially. There was an awesome tarot reading right after that by an even awesomer chain-smoking tarot reader guy who told me I was going to 'live to be an old broad' because who doesn't like to hear that? His tent was also connected to the Secret Exchange where there was a secret board. Read a secret, tell a secret and I didn't leave any, but I did take pictures of everyone else's. And.. AND you know what else? BACON. Yes! A girl, part of the crazy chain-smoking tarot reader's camp, was grilling mapley-smelling bacon right outside and offering it to passers-by who could barely believe it themselves! Oh you have no idea my absolute joy! It was really really good bacon.

Back at camp, Kat and I decided we'd get ice for the neighbors and ourselves, but when we got there, they'd actually run out completely. They expected it anytime between then and a couple of hours later so Kat said she was going to go off on her own and if she found ice from one of the other spots she'd get some and I agreed to do the same wanting to get some dancing in around the corner at the most popular day club called The Deep End.

I shook my booty for a little while when I felt a little call for ice and I was right, it had just arrived. While standing in line, I overheard a couple talking about the weather and saying things like, "Oh man, that looks really bad," while scanning what was beginning to be less blue sky. When I asked them what they were talking about, they informed me that this storm that was coming was Officially Bad and would have 60 mile an hour winds. And also, rain. Rain = bad on the playa. Rain + playa dirt = instant mud = yuck. Some math, eh? Hey, it's a gift.

They were warning people to get off the playa, which would be why when I was headed towards the ice tent that 4,503 people had been riding the opposite way towards me. And why some guy was then standing on top of a large truck with a megaphone telling people that this was not a joke and to find somewhere to ride out the storm. At this point, I listened, broke out of the line, and started heading back to my camp. Now, keep in mind, I was at 9:00 and Arctic and I only had to get to 7:25 and Jungle (remembering that the cross streets were alphabetic) so it really wasn't that far.. but before I even got to Desert Street, visibility was almost gone. I got off my bike and started walking with it like everyone else was doing, but most of the street signs had been stolen - which is normal I guess for jackasses people who want to take every little bit of memorabilia with them - so we had little idea of where the fuck we were, which did nothing for stressing me out any less. Luckily, we all helped each other get to where we were going, I found Jungle and took a left.. into the direction of the wind, which dear God, was not at all pleasant. You couldn't see more than five feet in any direction and the 'air' around you turned to a dark orange color. The earlier mention of Wizard Of Oz was no accident. It really felt like I was going to be swooped up by the madness of it all after a house dropped on someone.

I made it back to camp FINALLY, despite the tornado-like winds, to see our shifty shade structure was breaking loose again, this time for real with the stakes already up on one corner and another threatening to go very soon if we didn't do something fast. Kat had come back shortly after my discovery and the neighbors were quick to assist and all we did for about an hour was hold down the tarps, hammer down the stakes, drink and take pictures.

When the fierce winds started to calm a bit, we felt a few sprinkles here and there. It'd pick up again and then die down for a little more rain, but nothing terrible. In fact, quite the opposite. What happened next was nothing short of unbelievable. A rainbow started to appear.. and not just one.. but two. The inner one getting more and more shockingly bright with every passing minute and the outer one becoming clearer and clearer until there they were, both of them, so completely perfect that I swear to God Judy Garland could practically be heard singing. People stood on their rigs and roofs of their camps and cheered in celebration. I mean, what do you say about something as incredible as that? It was simply one of the most beautiful things I'd ever seen in my entire life.. and the day wasn't even over yet.