Farewell..

He's gone. My stepfather. Passed just around noon today, a couple of hours after they took out the breathing tube. He'll be mourned by all who knew and loved him. He'll be remembered fondly. 

I'm sad it took so long to warm up to him, but I'm so glad to have known him.  He was gentle and kind to my mother and provided a love in her life she may never have known without him. Still, they had barely three years together.. and I so wanted more for her. That's what I ache for.. the pain enveloping her at this very moment.. that she'll have to process and work thru on her own. It's not fair.

I know Dale didn't want to leave her this way. I know he at least got to communicate with her and say he loved her and goodbye. I know he's at peace and I can only hope my mother finds that soon as well. 

Goodbye Dale.. I hope your heaven is filled with westerns, bottomless coffee, feisty dachshunds and a comfy chair. The world was a better place while you were here.. quirky sentiments and all. I hope you'll check in from time to time on Mom to make sure she's ok. She'll miss you so much. We all will. 

Elegy

My mom met Dale in a casino of all places. After six weeks of knowing each other, they were engaged. I was stunned. She was acting like a 17-year-old. It was his third marriage and her second. Both of his previous wives had passed away and Mom was also a widower. Seems everyone was taken by some form of cancer or another. I wasn't overjoyed about it. I didn't want another father and just didn't know what this person she'd known for such a short amount of time would bring to her and our family.

I was Mom's maid of honor. I had horrible hair having gone to a new place and they'd destroyed it. I just wanted everything to be perfect for Mom and I felt kind of awkward. But Mom was beaming. You could tell she was nervous, but happy. I don't remember the last time I'd seen her that happy prior to that day. I'd never seen her that happy with my father ever. I knew she'd made the right choice and I was glad she'd found a new companion. She deserved to have love like that in her life. She deserved to find something more complete and fulfilling than her first marriage. 

It was really hard for me to get used to the idea when they first started dating. I put those feelings aside for the wedding, but it took a while before I really felt comfortable chatting with Dale on the phone or in person. He never asked me to call him 'dad' or anything like that.. and when he and Mom wrote up wills and that sort of thing, he made sure that if anything happened to her, all of what my father had left her would go to my brother and me - and not him first. I was grateful for his consideration and it gave me more faith he loved her for the right reasons. 

He was kind. He was supportive. He was also interested in what was going on with my life. When I had trouble at work and wasn't doing so well there, he shared a story with me how he'd just returned from Vietnam and wasn't coping all that well either. He'd gone to counseling and it took time for him to figure things out.. but it was the sweetest way to tell me he could relate, things would get better, he told me how strong he thought I was and that he was so proud of me. My parents never said things like that.. I was touched at his compassion. 

When Jake and I first started dating, he met my parents before I met his. Just the way it worked out. They just happened to be coming up for a visit and Jake spoiled us all, driving their car even to take us somewhere we could eat with a gorgeous water view I'd never been to. They loved him immediately. And for some reason, because Dale really liked him, that really meant a lot to me. I just hadn't had a father for years and my father was so hard to love sometimes. It was just nice to feel like I not only had chosen a good man to include in my life.. but that I also had a really positive father figure to support that idea and show me that not all fathers have to be angry all the time. Dale was tickled for both Jake and me.. and it was a good feeling. 

Thru this new partnership my mother made, I watched her change. We became closer, she became more loving and supportive and spent a lot less time guilting me for this or that. She was happy. They took weekends away, saw lots of their relatives, and she had instant grandchildren, which really thrilled her to spoil. 

Well after the snow melted here, they came up for a belated Christmas holiday bringing all our presents, Jake's included, with them. They came to see Marat/Sade at Balagan, which I'd stage managed and even tho they didn't get an ounce of it, they praised it highly. Jake's parents were there that night too and they met briefly. I introduced Dale as my dad. I didn't even think about it and didn't notice I'd done that. Hanging out with Mom at the hospital, she told me that after I'd left them to settle into their chairs before the show that night, Dale had elbowed her asking, "Did you hear that?" It had meant everything to him, she said.. 

It's funny how strong men get so soft as they get older. From hearing stories from his sons, Dale was a lot like my dad - angry sometimes, fiesty, hard to get along with. My grandfather was the same way with my dad and his brothers. But as a grandfather, I never saw that side. He was a big teddy bear with his grandchildren. Dale had found that softer side by the time he met my mother.. I was grateful for that because she didn't need another temper like my father's. He'd learned how to treat a partner and tho he didn't let her walk all over him, he called her on her bad behaviors firmly and lovingly. I think they annoyed each other in all the good ways a partner should.

I called Mom today before my rehearsal started at noon. Things had been up and down all week. She sounded more and more tired. There was still hope, but we just didn't know. Some things had been improving, but other things had worsened. She said today wasn't looking good. He had a fever of 101 and the infection hadn't gone away. She was in the ICU and couldn't have her phone on so she'd call me later. I told her to call me immediately if anything changed. During a our break around 3pm, I called again - she said it was no good. She was crying already. I stepped out of the theater and she said the infection was in his kidneys and liver for sure. Everything was shutting down. He wasn't conscious. She was going to have to let him go..... She sobbed into the phone for a few seconds.. then told me not to come down, I'd spent enough money.. and I started to cry at that point because I could care less about the money, but I also don't have enough to go again. My grandmother is getting on a flight tomorrow morning to be with her so I was relieved for that. She said Dale knew I'd been there and was glad to have seen me. She also said she was glad I was there for her. I just sat there listening, starting to cry myself, not knowing how to console my own mother. 

She signed off saying she was going to go sit in the room with him. I don't know how long they have together, but I know she'll be there til he passes. 

I left rehearsal, found Jake across the street at his theatre where he instinctively just held me while I cried in his arms. I made calls to my brother, my other relatives.. sent texts to my friends who've been checking in. Eight came by to sit with me and let me cry on his shoulder for a while and just listened to me talk about it. I'm going to go see Fatima now and take a therapeutic trip to Target with her, probably staring at the cleaning supplies for 30 minutes like we used to do and laugh. Then I'll play with her children, which is always good for the heart. Jake will be coming over late tonight to sleep next to me, not with any promises of anything for the future of us, but just because I need him. 

It's weird to talk about someone like he's gone when he's not yet. It's weird to be here when my mother is somewhere she doesn't even live grieving the loss of the love of her life in a hospital ICU. It's weird to feel so many things and then nothing all at the same time to the point you don't know what to do or how to feel and you're just numb sometimes.. and then crying the next.. and then numb again and walking around in circles.

I didn't know him for long, but he made a significant mark in my mother's life.  He changed her - for the better. That change in her changed her relationship with me, which I never thought would happen. He was my second father. He was a good man. I loved him. I'm ever so grateful to him.. and he'll be missed so much.. 

Limboland Delirium

Hospital nods: The head bob acknowledgment between the same people you see day after day in the ICU waiting room and walking thru the hallways and giving/getting their cars to/from the valet. Occasionally they ask if we're coming or going, Mom will say how cute their children are, we commiserate on the quality of the hospital food. 

We walked by a couple putting on those yellow disposable gowns before they went into their relative's room - and Mom instinctively started helping the husband because he was having a hard time and we all laughed together. Then she helped the wife and they smiled and joked with her graciously as we walked on.. 

Hospital jokes: We wait and wait and wait for the RN to come by and give us updates when we are newly arrived into Dale's room every day. ICU nurses are all business, which they should be.. but a filler RN came to attend him last night as they seemed short-staffed or just busier than usual. His name was Andrew and when he was ready, he started checking everything and letting us ask questions. Mom asked him personal questions like how long he'd worked there, if he liked it, that sort of thing. She said we've been really happy with the quality and help from everyone there except the only complaint was we wished the waiting room was bigger. To that I added that wasn't the only complaint - we wished the food was a little better. Mom chided me saying the fries at lunch were good, I agreed and Andrew piped back with a joking smile saying, "No trans fat!" I'm not sure why it was so funny, but it made us feel a bit more at ease. 

We're doing a bit of laundry today and since Dale is so heavily sedated while still under dialysis, we'll be heading out to check out Newport Beach and distract ourselves a bit. I leave tomorrow and I'm torn for a variety of reasons. Part of me doesn't want to go back to deal with my own sadness and of course I don't want to leave Mom either. I'm not sure what I'm doing to help her while I'm here.. I sometimes feel more helpless since she's so good at taking care of everyone else and really not good at letting anyone take care of her. 

Jake texted that he's back in range from his trip and it triggered.. you know.. stuff. 

My heart hurts for too many things. I find myself wishing things could be different, cursing this lack of luck for all of us, and really really trying to think positive. I'm trying to be realistic tho and prepare for those possible losses because I don't want to pretend it's not going to happen. Boy and I could permanently be over.. Dale could lose this battle.. We're all just waiting in limbo for our answers.

Auto-Pilot

I've escaped from the rainy, cold and uncomforting Seattle to the muggy and foggy city of Newport Beach, California. Not much more comfortable here, but it is a change of scenery. 

I arrived in Burbank, sunny and 80 degrees, was provided a rental car and headed south after letting Jake know I'd landed. I drove under a sign on the freeway saying 'Los Angeles' and called one of my college girlfriends who lives there to catch up. We commiserated over the rush hour I was driving thru and the buzzing motorcycles who are allowed to drive in-between cars here scaring the bejesus out of you. 

As I neared the hospital, I recognized signs for Huntington Beach, a well-known surfing area and I saw a couple of surfers riding the curving waves. I'd never actually seen something like that in person before. It made me smile despite the situation and in my head I thought of the many Beach Boy's songs I listened to growing up. 

When I saw my mother, I took in where she was mentally. She goes into caretaker mode when things like this happen. Her first husband, her mother-in-law.. now her second husband nine years later.. and I just want to make it all better when I'm completely powerless to do so. She's barely eaten, isn't sleeping well and I've come down to be with her. 

Dale came down to be with his family for his niece's funeral. She had recently been diagnosed with stage 4 cancer three weeks ago. She'd started treatments, but some sort of blood clot caused her death in the midst of all that.  Dale had been doing his own chemo and radiation treatments for the cancer that's in his bile ducts. They'd put a 'stint' inside him to help process something from his liver and intestines.. and tho the chemo and radiation have helped shrink the cancer there, it also seemed to cause some abrasions from this stint within his stomach unexpectedly and he'd started to feel kind of lousy before he left. When he arrived in California, he was coughing up blood. He was admitted to Emergency that day. The next morning, Wednesday, he started to bleed out, coded, was resuscitated, and was sent to surgery where they filled him with at least 15 units of blood. In a couple more hours he would fall into a coma with all his vital organs shutting down. Mom called me in tears and said he probably wouldn't make it. He'd signed a DNR and wanted no heroics if he wasn't going to come back in any sense of normal. But, three hours later, miraculously, and even to the shock of the nurse on staff, he woke up. Vital organs were coming back but they were still concerned about his liver and kidneys.

I arrived Thursday afternoon - a little loopy from trying to manage that LA rush hour and a set of mapquest directions to Hoag Hospital. Mom led me right to ICU to see Dale and tho he was sedated, he was just getting to sleep. He knew I'd arrived. He knew Mom was next to him and that was some relief to all of us. She told him she loved him and you could tell he wanted to reciprocate, but couldn't. 

Over the last two days of going from hospital to hotel to crappy restaurant to hotel to hospital and all over again the next day, nothing has really changed. They started dialysis last night in hopes that the kidneys would kick-start themselves. They should be able to determine if they're going to respond or not in the next couple of days and are keeping the dialysis constant. His liver is looking better, but who knows what that means.

I've been hiding in the wifi lounge at times to do my own coping because the ICU is so dreadful and Mom called me to meet her down in the cafeteria this afternoon. She looked like the weight of the world was on her shoulders and I could tell grief was taking over. She got on the phone with Jet Blue to see if they would help her cancel both their flights out and we were both relieved to hear they would. Watching her tho.. her hands shaking when she tried to write down information, her eyes welled up while she told the person on the other end that her husband might not get thru this and I didn't think she was going to finish the call without breaking down. I reached for her hand.. but she couldn't look at me. She said she just hoped he makes it thru this, but we both know there are so many more hurdles if he does. The kidneys could start working, but he still has the cancer to fight. It's just looking so unlikely with all these odds stacked against him and my mom is looking more sad, more tired and more broken than I've ever seen her. 

It's good to have something else to focus on besides my own broken heart which feels so insignificant compared to what Mom is going thru right now. At the same time, Jake is the only person I wish was here more than anything. He's been supportive and sweet knowing this whole situation, but was off to Joshua Tree yesterday for his hiking excursion where he has his own thing to get thru and a lot to think about. I hurt without him, I miss him constantly and in the moments I'm reflecting on that, I feel it in the pit of my stomach and the back of my throat as I try to keep myself from crying for my own reasons. My friends have been there when I needed the sound of their voice and a sounding board to vent, my tough-as-nails grandmother has been great because she understands my mother and I both, and the rest of our family has reached out to offer any help they can and are standing by for updates whenever we can provide them. 

I know the heart has an unlimited amount of capacity for love, but I'm reminded how much strength I'm able to channel as well in the presence of extreme pain and loss. The weight of a grieving mother and a second father fighting for his life certainly puts the feelings of loss for my relationship into focus.. and it shows me what's important to life. Jake is probably not ready to be the partner I need no matter how much we love each other. I don't know that for sure, but I'm prepping myself for that outcome. What I see in Mom and Dale is that they're in it. They'd risk life and limb to fight for it.. that's exactly what they're doing now. Nothing can keep Mom from Dale's side and right now, it's the most precious thing. 

Ok.. I should join them in the ICU and see if I can channel an ounce of her courage.  

The Worst Part..

This is the part I hate. The part where you know sleep will be the only thing that will bring you any relief.. but waking up is the hardest. You have that brief moment where you come to.. and then reality hits you square in the chest and knocks the wind out of you because you remember what's happened. You remember you went to bed with swollen eyes and a giant hole in that same chest where you've barely been able to breathe since you accidentally started having the conversation, which you didn't mean to have.. yet it had to happen.. you just wish it didn't have to happen right then. You weren't ready.. and you sort of were.. but you were hoping for something you kind of knew wasn't coming either. His willingness or just sheer ability to fight for you.. for both of you. For the love that you wanted to so badly to be enough - because there is no lack of that. And goddamn, that is what doesn't make any sense to you because that's there. It is. You know it. He knows it. You're each the most significant love of the other's life.. and yet.. there is no room for you in all the things he has to do, needs to do.. wants to do. It's what makes him thrive.. what makes him happy.. it's what sustains him. And, ironically, why you fell in love with him.. that love for his art, his ambition, his magic. God.. he's so much magic..

He has to figure it out on his own.. so I have to give him that space because I know what I want. To be with him, love him, to be loved by him.. it's really that simple. To share lives. And I know he loves me.. but.. well.. he's just not there. He doesn't know how to make that decision right now.. it's not that simple for him for some reason.

Is this where the age difference finally comes into play? Is this where we have to give up? Where we say we're in different places and it's just one of those situations that no matter how much in love you are, it's not going to work? How does that make sense?! Cuz it doesn't.. it really doesn't.

He's my favorite thing.. he's my heart.. my love.. the light and sparkly in my happy.. my favorite Scrabble partner.. a damn big portion of my life.. and I just can't imagine him not being apart of it. Do we have to let go to come back together? I don't know.. I'm not doing it. I don't think he is either. But we have to.

Yeah.. I really fucking hate this part..

Moving Beyond The Mess

I think I'm a nomad. Ok.. well, a cute doe-eyed nomad maybe? Alright.. not a nomad in the true sense - I don't go from town to town wandering aimlessly. I'm more like a singing minstrel with a purpose.. or something. I just move a lot within the same city. Like a viscous merry-go-round.. which district will it be this time? How long will it take me to get to work during the week? Is there a bridge of any kind I'll need to cross and do I have to take I-5 to get there? I've been here 13 years and every time I get settled for a while, something changes - opportunities reveal themselves, shifts happen.. some good, some not. It's just change. You'd think I liked change with how often I relocate, pack up my things, unpack my things and resettle.. but I think I'm just grasping for a different feeling, a new understanding I hope washes over me when I fall asleep in my bed the first night after moving to a new place. It's not something I always find, but for some reason I keep thinking it will happen.

For me, I always notice about two other things are happening when I'm prepping to move. Whatever significant relationship I have with a man is usually strained by either the moving or just because of the relationship itself and wherever I'm working is bound to be ending soon or there's massive amounts of ugly going on. So yeah - relationship drama? Check. Work complications? You bet. Not sure how it happens, but it's always the holy trinity combo.

It's not all tragic - Boyfriend and I are still together, madly in love, but we're struggling with how little time he actually has for us as a couple. We thought about breaking up.. but that wasn't something either of us wanted to do. I'm sure it doesn't help to make those decisions when your girlfriend is crying all over you.. but let's keep in mind the hormones were raging and tears were easily drawn for just about any reason. Not that a looming break up isn't a reason to be upset, however hormones always incorrectly heighten any situation adding to its dramatic effect of The End Of The World As You Know It or something close to that.. if you know what I mean.. and I'm sure you do.

I was then written up at work for not getting my time sheets in promptly. Don't even ask.. I can't explain it because I just get irritated and indignant about how it's not a performance-affecting mistake in my clearly ignored humbled opinion. And sure, there's more to the story, but honestly? Not a lot. That's really why I was written up. It really was something that was an accident and not malicious or done out of disrespect for The Man, no vengeance behind it at all. Didn't matter - it still sticks. Branded forever. Ugh.

I choose to move on. I'm trying this new philosophy.. this new thing for me. Letting go. I'm not good at that At. All. Ask my former roommates. Hell, ask former friends (one whom I just had a dream about recently and that we ran into each other somewhere.. She even came over to ask why I hadn't said hello to her and then suddenly, we were just ok again. That wistful feeling of love and happiness for a very missed friend washed over me and when I woke up, I was so disappointed that it hadn't been real..) - they know how I am. I can try til I'm blue in the face, but I suck at picking my battles. With this move, I wanted to leave the past in the past, start over fresh, on my own, let the stupid shit go that for some reason has found its way under my skin and expel it. Yeah.. I know. It sounds near impossible to me too.. but you know, it's early. I just moved. I'm going to try to roll with the punches a bit more, breathe before I speak, ask myself what I hope to get from any given conversation or point I feel I have to make right at that moment.. and um.. I guess we'll see if I start making some headway. I mean, spring is almost here. I need to shine a light onto some things that have been too dark for my own good.

And speaking of my new place.. I have to tell you how much I love it. It's all mine! Ok, Emma seems to think she has a stake in it as well, which is fine.. but otherwise, it's funky and not cookie-cutter at all, has its own personality with its odd little cupboards and basement feel.. but it's cute and sweet and just enough room for me and the Boyfriend even tho he's too tall for a couple of spots - but he has yet to hit his head. We have plans to paint and I just have to decide what colors and where. My very own interweb connection was installed this week and cable will have to come later. There are still a few boxes of books I have yet to deal with, but I have lots of storage so anything I don't want in the direct living space doesn't have to live there. Ha!

So my apartment is a happy, but messy space right now - which is sort of how I feel inside I suppose. The sun's been shining the last couple of afternoons and it's Friday, which means a freakin early meeting at work, but in return, I get done early. I can feel that pull of spring so close. Plans are being made to meet with friends more often to combat the long waits between the time Boyfriend and I get to spend together and keep myself from feeling wrapped up in his world too much, I'm at the gym more often, my Netflix subscription is getting its exercise as well (Hellooo 2nd season of The Tudors, whoo hoo!), and my own rehearsals start for Annex's Love's Tangled Web, which I'm stage managing. I should have plenty to keep me busy, including said painting that's necessary to brighten this new outlook.

I hope every time I move it's not me trying to run away from problems I can't resolve. I know I have lots of work to do on myself. About every three months I realize another new element of something else I was already working on needs to be addressed or that maybe I should work on whatever I'm already dealing with in a different direction because whatever I'm currently doing isn't working. I'm kind of a mess sometimes and other times, I think there might be some actual magic within me. I just wish I could channel the magic more often and use it in conjunction with what's messy so at least my bad days and regrettable moments seem.. oh.. shinier and less offensive.. or maybe invisible or um.. like they never happened. Something like that. Yeah.

Ok.. back to my new and improved drawing board!