Elegy

My mom met Dale in a casino of all places. After six weeks of knowing each other, they were engaged. I was stunned. She was acting like a 17-year-old. It was his third marriage and her second. Both of his previous wives had passed away and Mom was also a widower. Seems everyone was taken by some form of cancer or another. I wasn't overjoyed about it. I didn't want another father and just didn't know what this person she'd known for such a short amount of time would bring to her and our family.

I was Mom's maid of honor. I had horrible hair having gone to a new place and they'd destroyed it. I just wanted everything to be perfect for Mom and I felt kind of awkward. But Mom was beaming. You could tell she was nervous, but happy. I don't remember the last time I'd seen her that happy prior to that day. I'd never seen her that happy with my father ever. I knew she'd made the right choice and I was glad she'd found a new companion. She deserved to have love like that in her life. She deserved to find something more complete and fulfilling than her first marriage. 

It was really hard for me to get used to the idea when they first started dating. I put those feelings aside for the wedding, but it took a while before I really felt comfortable chatting with Dale on the phone or in person. He never asked me to call him 'dad' or anything like that.. and when he and Mom wrote up wills and that sort of thing, he made sure that if anything happened to her, all of what my father had left her would go to my brother and me - and not him first. I was grateful for his consideration and it gave me more faith he loved her for the right reasons. 

He was kind. He was supportive. He was also interested in what was going on with my life. When I had trouble at work and wasn't doing so well there, he shared a story with me how he'd just returned from Vietnam and wasn't coping all that well either. He'd gone to counseling and it took time for him to figure things out.. but it was the sweetest way to tell me he could relate, things would get better, he told me how strong he thought I was and that he was so proud of me. My parents never said things like that.. I was touched at his compassion. 

When Jake and I first started dating, he met my parents before I met his. Just the way it worked out. They just happened to be coming up for a visit and Jake spoiled us all, driving their car even to take us somewhere we could eat with a gorgeous water view I'd never been to. They loved him immediately. And for some reason, because Dale really liked him, that really meant a lot to me. I just hadn't had a father for years and my father was so hard to love sometimes. It was just nice to feel like I not only had chosen a good man to include in my life.. but that I also had a really positive father figure to support that idea and show me that not all fathers have to be angry all the time. Dale was tickled for both Jake and me.. and it was a good feeling. 

Thru this new partnership my mother made, I watched her change. We became closer, she became more loving and supportive and spent a lot less time guilting me for this or that. She was happy. They took weekends away, saw lots of their relatives, and she had instant grandchildren, which really thrilled her to spoil. 

Well after the snow melted here, they came up for a belated Christmas holiday bringing all our presents, Jake's included, with them. They came to see Marat/Sade at Balagan, which I'd stage managed and even tho they didn't get an ounce of it, they praised it highly. Jake's parents were there that night too and they met briefly. I introduced Dale as my dad. I didn't even think about it and didn't notice I'd done that. Hanging out with Mom at the hospital, she told me that after I'd left them to settle into their chairs before the show that night, Dale had elbowed her asking, "Did you hear that?" It had meant everything to him, she said.. 

It's funny how strong men get so soft as they get older. From hearing stories from his sons, Dale was a lot like my dad - angry sometimes, fiesty, hard to get along with. My grandfather was the same way with my dad and his brothers. But as a grandfather, I never saw that side. He was a big teddy bear with his grandchildren. Dale had found that softer side by the time he met my mother.. I was grateful for that because she didn't need another temper like my father's. He'd learned how to treat a partner and tho he didn't let her walk all over him, he called her on her bad behaviors firmly and lovingly. I think they annoyed each other in all the good ways a partner should.

I called Mom today before my rehearsal started at noon. Things had been up and down all week. She sounded more and more tired. There was still hope, but we just didn't know. Some things had been improving, but other things had worsened. She said today wasn't looking good. He had a fever of 101 and the infection hadn't gone away. She was in the ICU and couldn't have her phone on so she'd call me later. I told her to call me immediately if anything changed. During a our break around 3pm, I called again - she said it was no good. She was crying already. I stepped out of the theater and she said the infection was in his kidneys and liver for sure. Everything was shutting down. He wasn't conscious. She was going to have to let him go..... She sobbed into the phone for a few seconds.. then told me not to come down, I'd spent enough money.. and I started to cry at that point because I could care less about the money, but I also don't have enough to go again. My grandmother is getting on a flight tomorrow morning to be with her so I was relieved for that. She said Dale knew I'd been there and was glad to have seen me. She also said she was glad I was there for her. I just sat there listening, starting to cry myself, not knowing how to console my own mother. 

She signed off saying she was going to go sit in the room with him. I don't know how long they have together, but I know she'll be there til he passes. 

I left rehearsal, found Jake across the street at his theatre where he instinctively just held me while I cried in his arms. I made calls to my brother, my other relatives.. sent texts to my friends who've been checking in. Eight came by to sit with me and let me cry on his shoulder for a while and just listened to me talk about it. I'm going to go see Fatima now and take a therapeutic trip to Target with her, probably staring at the cleaning supplies for 30 minutes like we used to do and laugh. Then I'll play with her children, which is always good for the heart. Jake will be coming over late tonight to sleep next to me, not with any promises of anything for the future of us, but just because I need him. 

It's weird to talk about someone like he's gone when he's not yet. It's weird to be here when my mother is somewhere she doesn't even live grieving the loss of the love of her life in a hospital ICU. It's weird to feel so many things and then nothing all at the same time to the point you don't know what to do or how to feel and you're just numb sometimes.. and then crying the next.. and then numb again and walking around in circles.

I didn't know him for long, but he made a significant mark in my mother's life.  He changed her - for the better. That change in her changed her relationship with me, which I never thought would happen. He was my second father. He was a good man. I loved him. I'm ever so grateful to him.. and he'll be missed so much..