I arrived in Burbank, sunny and 80 degrees, was provided a rental car and headed south after letting Jake know I'd landed. I drove under a sign on the freeway saying 'Los Angeles' and called one of my college girlfriends who lives there to catch up. We commiserated over the rush hour I was driving thru and the buzzing motorcycles who are allowed to drive in-between cars here scaring the bejesus out of you.
As I neared the hospital, I recognized signs for Huntington Beach, a well-known surfing area and I saw a couple of surfers riding the curving waves. I'd never actually seen something like that in person before. It made me smile despite the situation and in my head I thought of the many Beach Boy's songs I listened to growing up.
When I saw my mother, I took in where she was mentally. She goes into caretaker mode when things like this happen. Her first husband, her mother-in-law.. now her second husband nine years later.. and I just want to make it all better when I'm completely powerless to do so. She's barely eaten, isn't sleeping well and I've come down to be with her.
Dale came down to be with his family for his niece's funeral. She had recently been diagnosed with stage 4 cancer three weeks ago. She'd started treatments, but some sort of blood clot caused her death in the midst of all that. Dale had been doing his own chemo and radiation treatments for the cancer that's in his bile ducts. They'd put a 'stint' inside him to help process something from his liver and intestines.. and tho the chemo and radiation have helped shrink the cancer there, it also seemed to cause some abrasions from this stint within his stomach unexpectedly and he'd started to feel kind of lousy before he left. When he arrived in California, he was coughing up blood. He was admitted to Emergency that day. The next morning, Wednesday, he started to bleed out, coded, was resuscitated, and was sent to surgery where they filled him with at least 15 units of blood. In a couple more hours he would fall into a coma with all his vital organs shutting down. Mom called me in tears and said he probably wouldn't make it. He'd signed a DNR and wanted no heroics if he wasn't going to come back in any sense of normal. But, three hours later, miraculously, and even to the shock of the nurse on staff, he woke up. Vital organs were coming back but they were still concerned about his liver and kidneys.
I arrived Thursday afternoon - a little loopy from trying to manage that LA rush hour and a set of mapquest directions to Hoag Hospital. Mom led me right to ICU to see Dale and tho he was sedated, he was just getting to sleep. He knew I'd arrived. He knew Mom was next to him and that was some relief to all of us. She told him she loved him and you could tell he wanted to reciprocate, but couldn't.
Over the last two days of going from hospital to hotel to crappy restaurant to hotel to hospital and all over again the next day, nothing has really changed. They started dialysis last night in hopes that the kidneys would kick-start themselves. They should be able to determine if they're going to respond or not in the next couple of days and are keeping the dialysis constant. His liver is looking better, but who knows what that means.
I've been hiding in the wifi lounge at times to do my own coping because the ICU is so dreadful and Mom called me to meet her down in the cafeteria this afternoon. She looked like the weight of the world was on her shoulders and I could tell grief was taking over. She got on the phone with Jet Blue to see if they would help her cancel both their flights out and we were both relieved to hear they would. Watching her tho.. her hands shaking when she tried to write down information, her eyes welled up while she told the person on the other end that her husband might not get thru this and I didn't think she was going to finish the call without breaking down. I reached for her hand.. but she couldn't look at me. She said she just hoped he makes it thru this, but we both know there are so many more hurdles if he does. The kidneys could start working, but he still has the cancer to fight. It's just looking so unlikely with all these odds stacked against him and my mom is looking more sad, more tired and more broken than I've ever seen her.
It's good to have something else to focus on besides my own broken heart which feels so insignificant compared to what Mom is going thru right now. At the same time, Jake is the only person I wish was here more than anything. He's been supportive and sweet knowing this whole situation, but was off to Joshua Tree yesterday for his hiking excursion where he has his own thing to get thru and a lot to think about. I hurt without him, I miss him constantly and in the moments I'm reflecting on that, I feel it in the pit of my stomach and the back of my throat as I try to keep myself from crying for my own reasons. My friends have been there when I needed the sound of their voice and a sounding board to vent, my tough-as-nails grandmother has been great because she understands my mother and I both, and the rest of our family has reached out to offer any help they can and are standing by for updates whenever we can provide them.
I know the heart has an unlimited amount of capacity for love, but I'm reminded how much strength I'm able to channel as well in the presence of extreme pain and loss. The weight of a grieving mother and a second father fighting for his life certainly puts the feelings of loss for my relationship into focus.. and it shows me what's important to life. Jake is probably not ready to be the partner I need no matter how much we love each other. I don't know that for sure, but I'm prepping myself for that outcome. What I see in Mom and Dale is that they're in it. They'd risk life and limb to fight for it.. that's exactly what they're doing now. Nothing can keep Mom from Dale's side and right now, it's the most precious thing.
Ok.. I should join them in the ICU and see if I can channel an ounce of her courage.
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