Limboland Delirium

Hospital nods: The head bob acknowledgment between the same people you see day after day in the ICU waiting room and walking thru the hallways and giving/getting their cars to/from the valet. Occasionally they ask if we're coming or going, Mom will say how cute their children are, we commiserate on the quality of the hospital food. 

We walked by a couple putting on those yellow disposable gowns before they went into their relative's room - and Mom instinctively started helping the husband because he was having a hard time and we all laughed together. Then she helped the wife and they smiled and joked with her graciously as we walked on.. 

Hospital jokes: We wait and wait and wait for the RN to come by and give us updates when we are newly arrived into Dale's room every day. ICU nurses are all business, which they should be.. but a filler RN came to attend him last night as they seemed short-staffed or just busier than usual. His name was Andrew and when he was ready, he started checking everything and letting us ask questions. Mom asked him personal questions like how long he'd worked there, if he liked it, that sort of thing. She said we've been really happy with the quality and help from everyone there except the only complaint was we wished the waiting room was bigger. To that I added that wasn't the only complaint - we wished the food was a little better. Mom chided me saying the fries at lunch were good, I agreed and Andrew piped back with a joking smile saying, "No trans fat!" I'm not sure why it was so funny, but it made us feel a bit more at ease. 

We're doing a bit of laundry today and since Dale is so heavily sedated while still under dialysis, we'll be heading out to check out Newport Beach and distract ourselves a bit. I leave tomorrow and I'm torn for a variety of reasons. Part of me doesn't want to go back to deal with my own sadness and of course I don't want to leave Mom either. I'm not sure what I'm doing to help her while I'm here.. I sometimes feel more helpless since she's so good at taking care of everyone else and really not good at letting anyone take care of her. 

Jake texted that he's back in range from his trip and it triggered.. you know.. stuff. 

My heart hurts for too many things. I find myself wishing things could be different, cursing this lack of luck for all of us, and really really trying to think positive. I'm trying to be realistic tho and prepare for those possible losses because I don't want to pretend it's not going to happen. Boy and I could permanently be over.. Dale could lose this battle.. We're all just waiting in limbo for our answers.