Moving Beyond The Mess

I think I'm a nomad. Ok.. well, a cute doe-eyed nomad maybe? Alright.. not a nomad in the true sense - I don't go from town to town wandering aimlessly. I'm more like a singing minstrel with a purpose.. or something. I just move a lot within the same city. Like a viscous merry-go-round.. which district will it be this time? How long will it take me to get to work during the week? Is there a bridge of any kind I'll need to cross and do I have to take I-5 to get there? I've been here 13 years and every time I get settled for a while, something changes - opportunities reveal themselves, shifts happen.. some good, some not. It's just change. You'd think I liked change with how often I relocate, pack up my things, unpack my things and resettle.. but I think I'm just grasping for a different feeling, a new understanding I hope washes over me when I fall asleep in my bed the first night after moving to a new place. It's not something I always find, but for some reason I keep thinking it will happen.

For me, I always notice about two other things are happening when I'm prepping to move. Whatever significant relationship I have with a man is usually strained by either the moving or just because of the relationship itself and wherever I'm working is bound to be ending soon or there's massive amounts of ugly going on. So yeah - relationship drama? Check. Work complications? You bet. Not sure how it happens, but it's always the holy trinity combo.

It's not all tragic - Boyfriend and I are still together, madly in love, but we're struggling with how little time he actually has for us as a couple. We thought about breaking up.. but that wasn't something either of us wanted to do. I'm sure it doesn't help to make those decisions when your girlfriend is crying all over you.. but let's keep in mind the hormones were raging and tears were easily drawn for just about any reason. Not that a looming break up isn't a reason to be upset, however hormones always incorrectly heighten any situation adding to its dramatic effect of The End Of The World As You Know It or something close to that.. if you know what I mean.. and I'm sure you do.

I was then written up at work for not getting my time sheets in promptly. Don't even ask.. I can't explain it because I just get irritated and indignant about how it's not a performance-affecting mistake in my clearly ignored humbled opinion. And sure, there's more to the story, but honestly? Not a lot. That's really why I was written up. It really was something that was an accident and not malicious or done out of disrespect for The Man, no vengeance behind it at all. Didn't matter - it still sticks. Branded forever. Ugh.

I choose to move on. I'm trying this new philosophy.. this new thing for me. Letting go. I'm not good at that At. All. Ask my former roommates. Hell, ask former friends (one whom I just had a dream about recently and that we ran into each other somewhere.. She even came over to ask why I hadn't said hello to her and then suddenly, we were just ok again. That wistful feeling of love and happiness for a very missed friend washed over me and when I woke up, I was so disappointed that it hadn't been real..) - they know how I am. I can try til I'm blue in the face, but I suck at picking my battles. With this move, I wanted to leave the past in the past, start over fresh, on my own, let the stupid shit go that for some reason has found its way under my skin and expel it. Yeah.. I know. It sounds near impossible to me too.. but you know, it's early. I just moved. I'm going to try to roll with the punches a bit more, breathe before I speak, ask myself what I hope to get from any given conversation or point I feel I have to make right at that moment.. and um.. I guess we'll see if I start making some headway. I mean, spring is almost here. I need to shine a light onto some things that have been too dark for my own good.

And speaking of my new place.. I have to tell you how much I love it. It's all mine! Ok, Emma seems to think she has a stake in it as well, which is fine.. but otherwise, it's funky and not cookie-cutter at all, has its own personality with its odd little cupboards and basement feel.. but it's cute and sweet and just enough room for me and the Boyfriend even tho he's too tall for a couple of spots - but he has yet to hit his head. We have plans to paint and I just have to decide what colors and where. My very own interweb connection was installed this week and cable will have to come later. There are still a few boxes of books I have yet to deal with, but I have lots of storage so anything I don't want in the direct living space doesn't have to live there. Ha!

So my apartment is a happy, but messy space right now - which is sort of how I feel inside I suppose. The sun's been shining the last couple of afternoons and it's Friday, which means a freakin early meeting at work, but in return, I get done early. I can feel that pull of spring so close. Plans are being made to meet with friends more often to combat the long waits between the time Boyfriend and I get to spend together and keep myself from feeling wrapped up in his world too much, I'm at the gym more often, my Netflix subscription is getting its exercise as well (Hellooo 2nd season of The Tudors, whoo hoo!), and my own rehearsals start for Annex's Love's Tangled Web, which I'm stage managing. I should have plenty to keep me busy, including said painting that's necessary to brighten this new outlook.

I hope every time I move it's not me trying to run away from problems I can't resolve. I know I have lots of work to do on myself. About every three months I realize another new element of something else I was already working on needs to be addressed or that maybe I should work on whatever I'm already dealing with in a different direction because whatever I'm currently doing isn't working. I'm kind of a mess sometimes and other times, I think there might be some actual magic within me. I just wish I could channel the magic more often and use it in conjunction with what's messy so at least my bad days and regrettable moments seem.. oh.. shinier and less offensive.. or maybe invisible or um.. like they never happened. Something like that. Yeah.

Ok.. back to my new and improved drawing board!