This is the part I hate. The part where you know sleep will be the only thing that will bring you any relief.. but waking up is the hardest. You have that brief moment where you come to.. and then reality hits you square in the chest and knocks the wind out of you because you remember what's happened. You remember you went to bed with swollen eyes and a giant hole in that same chest where you've barely been able to breathe since you accidentally started having the conversation, which you didn't mean to have.. yet it had to happen.. you just wish it didn't have to happen right then. You weren't ready.. and you sort of were.. but you were hoping for something you kind of knew wasn't coming either. His willingness or just sheer ability to fight for you.. for both of you. For the love that you wanted to so badly to be enough - because there is no lack of that. And goddamn, that is what doesn't make any sense to you because that's there. It is. You know it. He knows it. You're each the most significant love of the other's life.. and yet.. there is no room for you in all the things he has to do, needs to do.. wants to do. It's what makes him thrive.. what makes him happy.. it's what sustains him. And, ironically, why you fell in love with him.. that love for his art, his ambition, his magic. God.. he's so much magic..
He has to figure it out on his own.. so I have to give him that space because I know what I want. To be with him, love him, to be loved by him.. it's really that simple. To share lives. And I know he loves me.. but.. well.. he's just not there. He doesn't know how to make that decision right now.. it's not that simple for him for some reason.
Is this where the age difference finally comes into play? Is this where we have to give up? Where we say we're in different places and it's just one of those situations that no matter how much in love you are, it's not going to work? How does that make sense?! Cuz it doesn't.. it really doesn't.
He's my favorite thing.. he's my heart.. my love.. the light and sparkly in my happy.. my favorite Scrabble partner.. a damn big portion of my life.. and I just can't imagine him not being apart of it. Do we have to let go to come back together? I don't know.. I'm not doing it. I don't think he is either. But we have to.
Yeah.. I really fucking hate this part..
7 comments:
tears and love for you
:( :( :(
Oh Miss Devylish, so sorry :(
cb, paul, flatgreg: Thanks guys.. really and truly.. heart you. xo
Ahh, sweetheart. There is such a thing as the middle ground. Maybe the two of you can exist there for a while, not putting it to rest ("giving up") or going full-speed ahead. God knows that's how my marriage has gone from time to time over 15 years. We step back and trust that we love each other and we'll get back to where we both want to be at some point (or you won't, because something better will come along to change your mind), and just agree to live in the middle space for now.
I'm sending you so much love and light right now. Be gentle with yourself.
kar: Thank you sweet girl.. xo
Cyber hug ;-((( I know...it ain't the real thing.
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