Sick Of The Sugar Plums..

I don't know if you've heard.. but the holidays are here. I know, right? The first diamond commercial I witnessed was actually before Thanksgiving. Nooo! The shock! The awe! All kinds of party fouls here. Who do I call? Who do I need to write in order to tell them they broke the non-spoken holiday rule of waiting for the appropriate amount of days before Christmas to kick out the overindulgent materialistic messages? Someone should know. Tho 'someone' would probably to tell me to mind my own Grinchy business.

Seattle is dark and grey once winter officially kicks in. Not that rain is new.. I continually (mis)quote David Hyde Pierce from Sleepless in Seattle when he says it rains nine (ten) months out of the year in here. It's depressing even if you've lived here for 15+ years like I have. We're a depressed area, which is why, when the sun does make an appearance, there's much rejoicing. You really notice the difference.

But until spring, we're now settled in with the gloomy feeling and if you live in a sweet and cozy mother-in-law that can feel rather cave-like at times, it's sometimes so dark on rainy mornings, you don't naturally wake up from the growing light of day. Because hellloo.. there's NO light. Good thing there are such things as alarms.

I'm a fare-weather fan when it comes to holidays. I love this time of year when I'm comfortable spending what I want for friends and family and ache for time to find the right little things for them. I go out and celebrate with drinks on girl dates and burner events. Splurge on funky gifts for the many white elephant holiday parties. But when money is as tight as it is now, and I wish I was exaggerating, but it's pretty tight, the weight of the pressure to reciprocate feels heavier every day. My friends and family are beyond the obligation of it. We just like to spoil each other. Finding the right gift for Mom is never easy because she buys everything she wants for herself the whole year round, but I'm still grateful for everything she's ever done for me and I'd like to try to show her that. Doesn't matter she's hated pretty much every gift I've ever wrapped for her except her Mother's Day ring.. scored big on that one. If I had enough money to wrap a bundle of it up for her don't think I wouldn't. It's the only thing I know she'd appreciate for certain.

I take each day as it comes, hope for the best, something more full-time in the nannying to come, interviewing, trialing with families.. and keep my head up. I went thru my bills and looked at what I could reasonably live without and cable and my sponsored child were the losers (Netflix and the gym weren't even considered. You can't be serious about cutting the things that keep you sane, you know..).

The cable wasn't anything to be upset about, but I was unexpectedly emotional when I reached the Children International rep on the phone. They're so personal and kind - not at all call center-ish, and it's something I've avoided all year because it isn't that much - but there's a point where even $25 makes the difference in borrowing money from your brother or not in order to make rent.

I was grateful the rep told me the child would be sponsored by CI til they found another, but it still broke my heart. I cried when I hung up, got in the shower to get ready for rehearsal and cried some more, and cried til the mascara went on. At some point you have to pull yourself together and focus on what's positive. And besides, it's a waste of good mascara to cry once it's on.

I'm seeing someone very casually - a cute 29-year-old commitment-phobe wine distributor and the no-expectation part of it is fine right now. It sometimes comes with a bottle of wine so I can't sneeze at that.

I was a bit crushed not to get cast in our spring show, Rocky Horror, but I'm learning a lot by assistant directing the next one opening in January, The Cut. The cast is phenomenal and so committed. They're inspiring.

And in case you didn't hear about Snowpocalypse in Seattle, which virtually shut down the city the Monday before Thanksgiving at rush hour, here's a couple of examples for you (that shiny stuff in the picture is ICE - helloo crazy people in shopping carts INSANELY sledding down it!).

It changed to SnOMG in many of the hash tags on Twitter and became endlessly entertaining for anyone with a little time to shoot some video, take pictures or go sledding in garbage cans/lids and um.. yeah, shopping carts. The video happened a few blocks from my house. Clearly, we're a city that doesn't believe in chains.. until it's too late. Whoops!

I know I haven't been writing a lot in the last few months and finding humor in the disappointments has been hard. Sometimes I feel like I've lost any amount of funny I ever had and then I hang out with the two little boys I nanny and giggle all day or I read something hopeful like this or watch something like this and think, hey, at least I don't scream like a girl every time I get attacked by an otter. I'm just saying.

This holiday, however you celebrate, think of your neighbors, the homeless, the lonely, the elderly and others less fortunate. Donate a blanket to a shelter, give an extra dollar to your waiter even if it's crappy service, bake some cookies for your office or just close your eyes and think good thoughts for those you know and love. I think any positive energy sent out into the universe is a good thing.

** On that note, a special virtual hug to Shine and her roommate Kim who's side she's been at while in the hospital struggling with stage 4 cancer and its complications including a very scary surgery today. Thinking of you both and so glad she has you, Shine. Your nickname has never been more appropriate.

Happy holidays everyone! Let's kick this difficult year to the curb shall we?

Family Focus

I've tried to start a few different posts. I don't think the entire time I've had this blog that I've ever skipped a month, let alone two. I can't seem to finish my Burning Man adventure not to mention the two-day-broken-water-pump-ranch escapade on the way home. To top it off, I didn't even provide a birthday post. What self-absorbed Scorpio misses a chance to talk about herself? Seriously.. I'm really not living up to my full potential.

Telling the story backwards or forwards still means there's a sucky part right in the middle and that's part of the reason I can't get myself to relive it and getting past it has kept me awfully busy. And quiet. I'm not a fast writer most often either and if things don't happen fast lately, then I definitely lose track of time, responsibilities, meeting friends and things that are kind of important. But suffice it to say, I'm ok, mostly happy, trying to figure out my next career direction and hope things fall into place soon.

The best parts have come in bits - all involving a life high coming back from Burning Man with a whole slew of new friends and a new community in my Hippocampus camp. There were ladies' nights, a downtown frat club takeover, birthdays, Seacompression weekend and a spa night. There are some people I've grown closer to and it's never a bad thing to make solid, new friends. I could've used them a lot sooner this year, but I'm just happy to have them now.

And then somewhere in there, the absolute best part of all of this is I met one of my half brothers, Carlos. I met him shortly after the burn and had an instant sister-crush. But I only got a couple of hours with him. So this last weekend, he and his girlfriend, Tara, came up for my birthday and it couldn't have been a better present.

We spent time with my own family since my mom had come into town as well, we wandered the markets, had drinks in my favorite speakeasy and I even got brotherly birthday gifts of keychain mace - of course being the little brother he has to be the protective one - and furry goggles for future burns. Win! I missed him as soon as he left so in a couple of weeks it'll be my turn to spend a weekend with him in Portland - and this time, I may get to meet my first sister, the oldest one. It'll most likely be without Mama C just because sibling time is so important to me. I love my newest mother, but we're 30 years apart and there's a lot of religion surrounding her. I'm now the oldest sibling to two sets of brothers and sisters.. and I've never had sisters. I've never had siblings who look like me, who I feel instant chemistry with, who light up all the nerves inside knowing we are similar people with all our passion and fire. We're strong-willed and have stronger personalities.

It's weird, but it's a huge sense of validation and belonging. My mom will always be my mom, my brother my brother - I love them, that's not in question. Even between blood relatives you might have the same disconnect problem. But in this case it was clear from the moment I met Carlos and certainly from this weekend that we strike positive chords in each other and it's completely energizing and addicting. I kind of want to spend all my time with him.. and I think he said the same thing.

I don't know what my future holds.. like honestly. It's scary.. but this year has been nothing but ups and downs, curves thrown I thought might really get the best of me - which really did once in a while. I know I have a thousand things I still have to work on personally, but hell, I'm 39 now. I'm somewhat of a grown up. I don't look it.. but I hope I'm starting to act it even if some situations don't always reflect that. I just have to keep thinking I'm eventually going to be on the right track, find my way, and whatever other cliché I can think up to focus on the positive. I have a community now like I never did before. That's what really matters.

Cringe-Worthy

I'm trying to get my Burning Man tales together but this week is insanity - mostly in a good way - but spending any time writing feels a little too indulgent. There's work, catching the bus on time - seriously a challenge every morning - you have no idea, a good night's sleep would be fantastic so I'm not passing out at my desk with the new morning schedule every day, theater responsibilities, a little dating, trying to make time for friends and family.. did I mention the gym? Yeah.. that's because I can't get there..

So it feels like quite a change - not that I wasn't busy when I was unemployed because I was - but everything has to be worked around a 9 to 6 schedule now. AND..? There are perks! Hello paycheck, for starters.. a nice raise from what I was making at the last place didn't suck, a lovely group of co-workers, cookies made practically every day in our kitchen making the office smell like Grandma's, which, let me tell you, is SO many kinds of WRONG for productivity AND my waistline I can't even explain.. and right in the middle of downtown where I could drop my entire salary in a lunch hour is ridiculous. Between where to eat, buy coffee/perfumes/make up/clothing/shoes/bags/younameit,it'sforsale.. I mean.. STOP THE INSANITY!

It's kind of a zillion kinds of awesome.

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And speaking of awesomeness.. tonight was another evening of the Salon of Shame where I READ TONIGHT! Yes! And according to Ms. Shine, I killed. KILLED! As in, they laughed WITH me! Score!

If you'd like me to help you experience what you missed, I'll provide the images and words for your enjoyment and my re-cringing pleasure..

This is the picture they put on the screen behind me for around the time I wrote what I was going to read. I think it's about 1991 and I was in A Midsummer Night's Dream. I was Moth. Moth is the only fairy with no lines. Unless of course your director decides to take it upon himself to pen extra Shakespeare-esque words because clearly, Shakespeare wasn't wordy enough, you might get thrown a bone or two.. but he also made all the fairies wear body suits. I think that's scars enough, don't you? My only consolation is that the person on my right (your left) is Ty Burrell who plays Phil in Modern Family. Yes, I truly get to say 'I knew him when' AND that because of him, I'm also officially two degrees or less away from Kevin Bacon. Win!

So I think it took me a while to figure out what love really was and I was a lovestruck kind of girl, always with the heart on my sleeve (that hasn't changed) and falling for every adorable boy I came in contact with (hopefully that part has). As expected, they all broke my heart and each time, I never saw it coming.

I wrote poetry in addition to journals but the ones I have here are only from college and honestly, the journals are a little too painful to read outloud. The poetry, however, was rather hysterical. And over the years, I honed a prose of my own, wouldn't put anything into my poetry journal unless it was worked and reworked to the point I was satisfied it was finished and then it was entered in pen. For finality I suppose. I usually didn't spent too much time rhyming things because every time I did, it turned out so simple and trite. YET.. of course I found some good examples stuffed into the book and picked a few special chestnuts to share.

Probably over some boy my heart was all torn up about:

My heart & head are fightin' to & fro

When one is saying to let you go

And the other's saying no no no

Cuz I love you so...

What do we do now & what do we say

I care too much to keep my feelings at bay

I can't do this anymore

I've never felt this way before

And I can't just throw it all away

Even if it all sounds so cliché

Yeah.. amazing right? A classic.. And then this one I clearly found some inner anger..

What dumb luck

To get so fucked up

So down & washed up over you

I'm sad & I'm cryin

I feel like my heart is dyin

Cuz I've been buyin your lines

Hook, line & sinker

Never much of a thinker

Everything you've got to sell

So I lie awake nights

Wantin' to punch out your lights

I love you, but I'll never tell

Yup - I'm the silent, broody type, I tell you..

So then, lovestruck doesn't even begin to cover it if said adorable guy can sing and play guitar. Complete sucker for that shit. And I fell hard for Scott who had a gorgeous blue Ovation guitar - which has a rounded back and is what I reference in this song (YES! A SONG!) I wrote for him. The idea is that he'd write the music later.. when I suppose I thought we might live happily ever after? I don't know.. but I did think I was the only one to really 'get' him.. you know? I was that deep. Oh yeah.. true story.

It's also labeled 'first song'. As if there would be more.

Soul Speak

In every detail I know who you are

I hear you describe yourself when you play your guitar

Your hands pluck the strings of the smooth melting blue,

And I hear you

I hear you

(chorus) Your soul speaks

From under the red smoky light

Your weaknesses fight

For priority

To be sung in your soul's insecure melody

But your soul speaks

Silently, out of the crowd

It speaks loud and clear

With full strength, without fear

Be it in your own words or James Taylor's

Your soul speaks to me

I see the world is drawn to you

Even the shadows danced - they danced around you

As you stood in that alley laying all that you knew

I listened to you

I thought of that time that will just never be

A long enough forever time ago for me

and I hoped you didn't catch that damn tear in my eye

I didn't expect to cry

(bridge) Maybe it was just the mood I was in

But I was mad at behaving so predictably feminine

And as you acoustically played your soul

A chill blew through me, but I wasn't cold [my favorite part - and it totally killed tonight]

(chorus) Your soul speaks

From under the red smoky light

Your weaknesses fight

For priority

To be sung in your soul's insecure melody

But your soul speaks

Silently, out of the crowd

It speaks loud and clear

With full strength, without fear

Be it in your own words or James Taylor's

Your soul speaks to me

So sing me a song

And I won't keep you much longer

To me speak your soul

Then I promise to go

Your hands pluck the strings of the smooth melting blue

And I hear you

I hear you

I hear you...

Oh for the days when I actually used the right amount of ellipses..

Thank God those are over.. as well as the days of writing terrible poetry. But it was damn good fodder for a laugh or two tonight. I got up in front of 150 people to do it too. My friends said I didn't seem nervous, but honestly, I just focused on not shaking and I did pretty well. My legs may have been like jello walking back to my seat, but it was pretty thrilling. I'd do it again in a heartbeat.

Look Over Here!

As I'm so incredibly slammed that I haven't been able to post anything for oh.. almost the last month AND I'm getting ready for Burning Man AND trying to direct a ten-minute short that goes up in like three days, I give you someone else's funnier, way-better-written blog and I can't say I mind one bit. The first post had me almost in tears and I'm a fan of cats. By the time you get to the LOST version of the poster.. well, I don't want to give it away. Simon and the pie charts? I have no words. Partially because I was doing that silent laughter thing by mid-post and I couldn't breathe.

After you read as many as you can, you should click on the other options like 'Complain about this page' or 'I'm sad about something' and you'll see that this person has way too much talent in one brain. I kind of hate him because I love him so much.

27b/6.

Know the awesomeness..

I'll be back when I have something that's not even close to as good as what he writes.. eventually.

Life: Accelerated

I'm sure you've noticed - or maybe you haven't because unlike me, you probably live somewhere that actually has more than the two seasons Seattle has of August and winter - but I haven't been able to keep up with writing because when the sun does come out here, I've actually been in it.

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Missing: One Sun For The 4th Of July

It shouldn't be any surprise to anyone who's local that summer starts on July 5th. Something about the fireworks blowing up into the atmosphere kicks Mother Nature in the ass and reminds her that she's behind in sharing the warmer weather with all of us in the Northwest. That said, spring might be late, but by June it always feels like summer is just around the corner. And this year? Yeah.. not so much summer because spring was non-existant. Basically February stuck around for four months. I mean, THIS was the weather we had all damn day on the 4th of July:

I grew up on the Oregon Coast so I'm used to it, but I'm so over the grey and overcast summers that area gets, which is why I left. Rainy, chilly, uncomfortable. Three words I'd never use to describe even a Seattle 4th of July, but this time we didn't see one lick of sun for a single minute. Part of me would've rather had just stayed inside in my pajamas and watched a movie if I wasn't convinced how unsociable that would've been.

My new friend, who I'll call Tallulah (because she's quite classy this one - if she talked with a southern drawl, it wouldn't surprise me.), came to my rescue and let me crash her plans and her friends' party that afternoon. From there, the day just got better and better.

Tallula looking sultry - much more sultry than the day. She was so brave to go sleeveless while I was wearing someone else's sweatshirt over my coat.. brrr..

Who, I ask you.. WHO builds a fire on the 4th of July in the middle of the city? Seriously. It was that cold.

Ironic the flag was completely in the way.. or was it?! Maybe it was the most perfect thing ever!

From that point, it was just a series of 'Beautiful! Wish you were here!' sort of picturesque moments - as you can see. Thank you very much.

Please take note of this one above: The big billowy clouds of smoke near the bottom? Yeah.. that's from the barge. The barge with all the fireworks you can NEVER see when you're anywhere in Seattle for the event because there's too many damn people in front of you or you're on a hill or hanging out of a balcony of some random apartment miles away.. but this?! This view was probably 100 yards or so away from said barge because I WAS ON A HOUSEBOAT MOTHER F*CKER. Aww yeah.. Did I fail to mention that?

Me. Dancing the night away on said motherfuckin' houseboat. Yeah. I said it. It was the best damn 4th of July EVER.

Tallulah and I on the 'deck' of the houseboat with fancy sparklers. Also? Hoping no one bumps us because that deck? Like three feet wide before it ended at the water. And lots of it. I was fully prepared to go over at some point and realize my keys, purse, camera, and hat - all of which were in my hands - would all be lost in the water because that's just the type of stuff that happens to me. True story. And shockingly, not a single accident that night. I know.. right? Amazing.

So we ended up on this houseboat because we wandered down from Tallulah's friend's place on Eastlake - and if the neighborhood's name isn't obvious, it borders the water. The east part. As in.. duh. But not far from Gasworks Park and the University District and where the fireworks barge hangs out and does its business on the 4th of July every year. Down on the edge of the streets where all the houseboats are is the best place to be right under the fireworks - that is unless you are lucky enough to own a houseboat yourself. And we were not. However, we were cute girls and there just happened to be a group of guys wandering down past a rope going towards a private dock and when we slowed down because we couldn't go past it, they waved us on and told us they were headed to a party down there and we should come with them. So like the apparently unafraid-of-potential-serial-killers adventurous chics that we are, we did. Best decision we made that day.

We mingled with some people, met a couple of cute guys and found out they were all friends who came together from all over the country to do this party once a year. We danced til the wee hours, tried to move the party to a bar up the hill and away from the rich and sleepy houseboat neighbors out of respect, but the dive bar couldn't handle the crowd and got rowdy fast so we called it a night. The boys didn't work out for either of us, even tho I got some kissin' the next night after we all had a really lovely dinner together.. but ultimately, he didn't like my baggage so I never heard from him again and Tallulah wasn't completely into her boy who was from L.A. anyway. Whatevs we said. It's all onwards and upwards.

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The Play's The Thing

The roller coaster continues and I'm up to my neck in theater, which is all kinds of so many adjectives I don't know where to start. It's amazing and frustrating and stressful and rewarding and overwhelming to pick just a few. I've stage managed three shows in a row, this last one being my least favorite, but finding other priorities like PR for the upcoming shows and projects to focus on or being part of the rather organic committee we created to organize our short play festival coming up in less than two weeks OR just committing today to actually directing one of said short plays because we needed directors. Ack!

Yeah.. I've never directed before. I mean, I'm certainly bossy with opinions about everything and oh yeah, I'm a fantastic criticizer once I see decisions and visions are already made. That's easy. 'Um.. that's wrong.. I wouldn't have done it that way. Meh - I would've been clearer with the details there.' Yeah. Simple right? Once something's in place then you can see a semblance of how you'd change it. You're building upon someone's original idea and making it better. But to create that idea out of thin air and all on your own is something altogether different.

It's just a ten-minute piece. Ten minutes. Can't be that hard right? Or it could be the worst ten minutes of people's lives. Ten minutes they wish they could be stabbing their eyes out with a ballpoint pen because that would be less painful than the train-wreck they just witnessed.

It goes up August 13th and 14th. Hi soon. Practically tomorrow. And it's not even completely cast yet. Nope.. not nervous at all. But hey.. this is how I learn.. and putting my college degree for acting to good use. I'll act like a director! Yeah!

(Fuuuuuuck)

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The Year Of Magical Thinking

And I find myself, halfway thru the year, feeling like things are finally starting to lighten. The Boy and I are talking a bit over email. I know he's with someone else, but a whole year and then some we haven't seen each other and only a few emails last August that we've talked. Anything's improvement over silence and I still hope for a friendship out it one day. I miss him in my life and we'll see if that's something real or imagined soon enough.

I have an interview on Wednesday - finally - for another corporate position. After considering going back into the restaurant industry and not doing it yet because it'll clash with any theater schedule making it impossible, I'm really crossing my fingers for this one. I'd like to be able to breathe before the unemployment runs out and it's getting close. You work ten years straight in the corporate world and you barely get enough to live on for much more than six months if you lose your job. Seems really disproportionate to the work you put in.

And then the other shoe dropped.

My best friend I like to call Butterfly was the subject of an email her husband sent last week to me and many of their close friends and family. She told me the last time I saw her a few months ago that she was pregnant with their third child and tho I was really happy for her, I rarely see her so I knew I'd see her even less. I try, but when you have a family, your priorities change and you get other mommy friends who have schedules like yours. I understand, I just miss her.

I thought, without seeing the subject of the email, that this might be something about her upcoming birthday.. but after reading the first sentence about how hard this last week has been for all of them, I knew it was something different.

He said she's been diagnosed with breast cancer and I tried to read the rest and understand, but her husband's a doctor and some of it just went over my head. I had to do that later because for the next few hours, it all got a bit foggy and went in slow motion. I seriously stood in front of my laptop the whole time, unable to move, trying not to cry and be brave for her.. not that it'd help being halfway across the city.. but I cried anyway. Still am writing this now.

The good news is it's not in her lymph nodes and it's hormone receptive. The bad news is they can't stage it, which is everything for prognosis. When I read up on it trying to find anything I could on the web, I found that it gets complicated very fast when it's found in pregnant women because they tend to dismiss something abnormal thinking it's just due to the pregnancy so it tends to be caught in the later stages. Also, being receptive to hormones, the tumor grows from progesterone and estrogen, which are higher when you're pregnant. They can try to fight it with hormone blockers but I have no idea what that means for the pregnancy. I doubt that's even the biggest priority tho when it's really an issue of whether she'll need chemo or radiation. I read that surgery isn't an issue to remove it - I mean, surgery is always a risk, but still, she and the baby should be fine, tho they recommend mastectomy immediately and usually both breasts just to be safe (not that that doesn't hit the absolute core of identifying yourself as a woman.. ugh), and even chemo is possible while you're pregnant. It's whether she'll need radiation or not depending on what stage it is.. and if she does.. the safety of the baby can no longer be guaranteed.

I can't even discuss survival rates because yes, I looked them up and this is why they do all the walks and fundraisers and have pink frickin ribbons everywhere because certainly women survive it, but there are just as many that don't. I mean, it's fucking cancer. They don't consider you in remission til after you're disease-free for five years (I think that's right - please feel free to correct me) and it has a high percentage of recurring within that time or even afterwards when you think you've beaten it.. and then it has a high chance of beating you. What that said to me is that, at minimum, she's got a five-year battle ahead of her.. probably more. And that absolutely kills me for her and her family. Not to mention she has the most gorgeous hair on the planet. I'm constantly envious.

I can repeat how unfair it is til I turn blue but it won't make it better. I'm reminded of how this year started with my purse being stolen on New Year's Eve and wonder if this is the third item in the list of bad things to happen because the first one just felt too ominous not to be recognized as such on the cusp of a new year. A month later, I'm unemployed and I know it sounds silly, but that 'happens in threes' thing happens to me and it usually escalates when it does. Last time it was this obvious was in college when my bike was stolen, my cat was hit by a car, and my father was diagnosed with leukemia. Someone suggested that the earlier setbacks I'd experienced were preparations for the bigger one that knocked me off my feet hard and swift. And it certainly felt like it. Not that this is about me at all. It's not, but again, it just feels like preparation and it's so so scary.

I don't pray or go to church, but when a squirrel jumps in front of my car or I see an accident on the freeway, there's an automatic thank you and hope for whomever that things and people are ok that goes out from me to the world. So in this situation, my fair weather belief kicks in and I have to hope the Universe hears me because this girl is not only a light to me and makes me a better person just by being around her, but she does that for everyone, which is why she's so phenomenal. I sent her six birthday cards she should've received all on the same day trying to get her mind off of this weight for a minute and remember the wackiness that is our friendship and what makes us laugh when we do manage to be in the same place together. I would've sent every card on the planet, but I'm trying my hardest to give them space to deal with all they have to process.

So I haven't written much lately.. as you can see. When people say 'Life got in the way', we all know what that means. In the simplest terms, it's just defining what it means to live: Finding joy and trying to be strong thru disappointments, recognizing the highs of being with friends and lovers and the lows of just being lonely, dealing with the stress as well as reaping the rewards of figuring out what you're good at, and taking in the good and bad news in general because you can't have one without the other.. tho goddammit.. I'd give anything for that not to be true right now.

The Yin & The Yang

I came home from rehearsal today feeling beaten up and sore from spending my energy cleaning the theater. I didn't quite make a dent.. it's needing some heavy-duty work, but I got a head start on the company cleaning project for next week. Made me feel like things were a bit more in order and ready for this next show's opening, which is this Friday. The show isn't ready.. but I can't do anything about that so I cleaned instead.

My OCD was on a rampage so I let it take over and it continued once I got home. I cleaned everything I could. It didn't help that when I walked in the door, Miss Emma Kitty had left me, I kid you not, at least seven kitty barf messes. And one that was not barf.. Um. Hmmm. If that doesn't get you into cleaning, I swear to God, I don't know what will. I can't be mad at Miss Kitty.. the non-barf item was shown to her and her proper place for that as well. Sometimes she seems to forget for the spry thing she is.

It kind of reminded me of my new Ebay situation - the non-barf present. Ebay and Amazon have never let me down. You buy from random people, cute little stores, and you spend your money and the appropriate person or business sends you whatever you selected since you so promptly paid for it. Ebay, of course, is a bit different being that you have to bid and watch said item so you can, hopefully, win it. I don't use it often, but when I have bought jeans or phone batteries, or whatever, I've never ever had a problem. Not once. I'm rated a good buyer by everyone.

And then I felt I needed a new Mac Box Set to kick-start this little MacBook of mine. She's slowing down a bit in her old age of three whole years. Baby needs an upgraded pony. A new Mac is out of the question being that I'm still unemployed.. but wouldn't you know that you can bid on the box set, which is normally $165 retail and get it for a fraction of the cost. What I didn't know is that when I won said item at $107, including shipping, and paid for that baby, that would be the end of the transaction.

Like I said, I rarely buy things online and when I do, I read the fine print. This said 'Seller sends within 3 days of cleared payment'. At three days, I emailed the seller asking when to expect the item and added the appropriate 'please' and 'thank you' where needed. He wrote back the next day and said he'd been out of town on the win day (a Thursday) and would send on Tuesday. He didn't say he wasn't back so I didn't know why Monday wasn't an option and emailed back asking if that was possible. No response. Tuesday at 5pm and no email from him with the shipping info came so I emailed again, asking for a status. Then I looked up the item, found he'd re-listed either mine or a 'similar item' and really didn't understand. I emailed him again, now concerned that I really needed to know when this was being sent because he seems to have re-listed what I already paid for.

You'd think he might've been understanding. Sellers are supposed to send promptly, especially when you pay promptly. But I didn't get an ounce of that. What I did get was an email filled to the brim with snark saying he 'didn't live and breathe Ebay' and didn't appreciate 'all' my emails because two in one day was apparently overkill. Um.. I'm sorry, two emails are a bother, but taking my money and then NOT SENDING what I just PAID FOR isn't a problem? Hm.. Ok. Right. I'm the crazy one. He added he'd send the item that day and I shouldn't 'threaten' him with negative feedback. I didn't threaten him. I simply said I'd follow up with feedback if there were further issues. He hadn't done what he said he would, which is what feedback is for and the sellers set their terms, which he, himself, had not met. I'm still at a loss how that's unreasonable.

I asked for the eta and the shipping info to be sent by end of Wednesday, now six days after purchase. He immediately writes back and asks why he should send it at all now since I already posted the negative feedback, which is true. And, since they only give you a single line for this, all I said was, 'Been 5 days since won/pd for item and no shipping info sent. Really unhappy', which could've been fixed HAD HE SENT IT. But INSTEAD, tells me he WAS going to send it two-day air, but NOW I WON'T RECEIVE THE ITEM UNTIL HE 'FEELS LIKE SENDING IT'. This is after mocking me for shortening the word receive to rec'v, which in my former line of work, is normal and any moron would understand what I meant, but he said I clearly was saving time on using extra letters because he knew I 'had other people to piss off today'. Wow. Ok.. well.. actually, that's a pretty good zinger, but hardly the point because of course that wasn't what I was doing. So there. Then he proceeded to tell me my 'standards were to high' and 'you'll get it wen you get it'. I'm guessing 'wen' will be.. something around the time of never? But the guy was only good for one insult and the rest grammatically went down from there. I sure learned my lesson about who the smarter one of us is. I bet he's a real winner when using your and you're and there and their.

Um.. to my rescue was NOT Ebay or PayPal. Their policy is to wait seven days, which is fine, but they're auto response is that your item is 'probably on its way' and in the midst of being shipped. Um.. no, it's not. He told me it wasn't. But there's no match for that when you search for your 'question' of 'asshat seller who refuses to send purchased item out of retaliation and essentially just stole $107 from me'. No no, there is not.

Actually, 'they' are 'looking into it' and 'will attempt' to get to it 'in 30 days'. The status today says the seller has until June 27th to respond now. Because you know what? He hasn't. Color me shocked.

What I would like 'looked into' is just getting my money back. Do you think Apple would've given me this problem? Not in the slightest. You give them money, they give you stuff. That's how this retail type of world works. Because taking money and NOT giving you said wanted thing is actually A CRIME. It's called STEALING. Or in online situations, and within a fucking thesaurus, A SCAM. It's pretty clear the rules of selling on Ebay kind of look down on that practice (tho yeah, I probably shouldn't have written negative feedback BEFORE I received notice of the item being shipped.. ahem.. I know, ok?!).

Oh and in case you're wondering why I just didn't call PayPal or Ebay, I thought of that first. Like.. duh. But there is no number to reach Ebay or PayPal. Not even a teeny tiny customer service group out of India with strong accents I'd have trouble understanding. No hold music, no 30-minute wait. Simply no number to call. Ever. Genius really.

So here I am, NOT thinking about how much faster this little baby would move had something been sent in the mail in a timely fashion or all the cat puke stains on my bedroom carpet or the calamity on stage about to happen Friday. Here's why:

I made super yummy non-fat brownies for the cast for tomorrow's tech rehearsal.

I also made blueberry cornbread muffins. Also yummy. Broken all over the place tho but oh well. Muffin tops are the best anyway.

My house is totally clean.

Emma is the cutest kitty currently all curled up on the couch all mouse-like and I could just eat her up.. sort of. Not really.

I think I have no wrinkles on my face because seriously? This lotion, Neutrogena Healthy Skin with Alpha-Hydroxy/spf 15 might be the most amazing thing ever. Not new to me, just sharing. True story. I dare you to find a single crow's foot anywhere around my eyes. Pretty good for 38. Just saying.

I've been invited to my first ever gay wedding. Stoked!

Breathe (extended version) by Telepopmusik is simply one of the best songs ever. Provides instant relaxation for some reason and I always feel better listening to it.

A friend just bought me a massage. Just because. Hi. How awesome is that?! SO awesome, that's how! I kind of wanted to cry I need it so bad. More thank you's are in order for that.

I love my new theater friends. They are truly talented, which I admire, but they are just really good people. Sometimes, you have moments where things line up perfectly and perfect people come into your life. I just like that.

A local bartender just named a drink after me at one of my favorite little speakeasy bars. It's originally called the St. James Cooler, but I don't love whisky so Jameson is out. Instead he substituted brandy to the rest of the St. Germaine, lemonade, soda and mint. Try it. You might think it's refreshing and rather 'angelic' as well.

Off to bed thinking positively now.. I know I'm supposed to try a bit harder not to let the negatives get to me, but I also know myself and venting is cathartic. As long as I end on something happy, I think that's improvement. Sweet dreams kittens!

Reality Check

So that authentic person I was talking about being? Yeah.. sometimes that authentic person is just plain bitchy. Like for realz. I'm sure it's a dysfunction of my upbringing and it's something I've been fighting since I was in college when someone had to point out how negative I could be.. but ultimately, it's my fault now and up to me to fix because even I know it makes me not fun to be around. I don't have to be Pollyanna, but I don't have to be catty. I mean, sometimes catty has its place, but most of the time, it's just mean. But it's also sooo easy to be that way. Being nice takes effort. Being warm and genuine.. well.. has to come from a genuine place and maybe I don't always feel that towards certain people or certain situations and when I can't speak up and be honest, it manifests itself into nasty things like passive-aggressive comments and catty insults.

Hi, rude much? I kind of am. And I'm kind of calling myself out on it.

The other things I've noticed recently that go along with all this negativity are that I'm a raging control freak. Especially on projects that aren't mine. I think I know a better way to do it, everything is wrong about how the other person or people are doing it, and it just exponentially continues to make me into this stressed-out-beyond-understanding monster. I feel some sense of made-up ownership and I literally have to say the following outloud in order to stop: 'Why are you letting this get to you so much? If something is wrong, it's not all your responsibility. You've participated, you've assisted where you could, you were present. This. Is. Not. Your. Stress.. so stop worrying for chrissakes. Plus? It's not all wrong. This is fine. Things will be fine. Everything will work out. Because it will.'

Breathing helps.

Yes, I really did say a version of that to myself tonight. Did it stop me from being bitchy? Nope. But I had this feeling come over me as I was going home that I could've prevented most of that behavior and I chose an easier route of putting others down in a poor attempt of making myself look better.

Add to that my OCD-ness is getting slightly maddening and mixed with a project plus the control freakiness and I'm a little crazy intense maybe. I notice people just stop arguing with me because they've given up and whatever it's about isn't as important to them as it is to me. But it shouldn't be that important to me either. Seriously.. I've mentioned this issue with being bad at picking my battles and thought I was getting better at it, but I really don't think that's the case. Sometimes I have good reason, but I have to find a better way to go about it.

I'm not completely beating myself up here. Most of these realizations come with taking on company positions with the theater I'm working with and trying to help revitalize awareness about them. And the new ones of us who've joined have made some good strides in being available to help, coming up with productive ideas for new projects, assisting with the choosing of the next season and finding new directors and designers. All really good progress.

But change takes time and when you've been asked to help, you can't just take over. And for some reason, I keep thinking that's my role. And it's so not. No one wants to work with anyone who dictates. It has to be collaborative, which means you won't always agree on everything, but you have to maintain diplomacy so as to preserve order and stay productive.. otherwise people's feelings get hurt, resentment breeds rapidly and nothing comes together as it should.

I have to slow down sometimes in order to see these patterns in myself and theater's a funny beast. You only get so much time to create a show and it starts out like you have plenty of it and then suddenly, you're one week away and you don't have all the costumes, props aren't completed, the cast is sooo not ready.. but it always seems like it won't come together - and sometimes it works out anyway and sometimes it doesn't because it's just not a great show. It happens for varying reasons - but it does no one any good to add the weight of more negativity to that situation. When I slow down and stop taking so much ownership of things, I realize I have to be part of the solution and not part of the problem and I can only control what I can control, which is myself. All that energy spent on that much negativity just sucks the fun and happy out of me.

Then I just end up drinking a lot in order to unwind because it's so readily an option and geographically convenient to the theater as well as my own neighborhood. But it's the most immediate (see: unhealthy) way to deal with stress because when I'm this wound up, it's easy to over-do it. Like.. last night, for example, when a friend took me out. Drinks kept getting handed to me and even tho there weren't that many (they pour almost a two-shot standard, which I didn't know), after finally feeling relaxed, smiling and getting down on the dance floor with my friends, shortly thereafter I knew I was in trouble. Ugh.. I hate that feeling. As a result, I spent ALL day today recovering horizontally for the most part, unable to get out of bed til early afternoon, had three rounds of painkillers for my explody-feeling head and I'm doubting that's the way to regularly relieve that kind of internalized pressure. No no, it is not. Take heed, children.

Don't worry. I'm no alcoholic. That's not denial, honestly. I've always been a cheap date when it comes to booze and sometimes, I have to remind myself I've already been there, done that with that level of drink and I'm not in my 20's anymore. Thank God.. So, lesson re-learned and I'm soon back to my usual trick of one drink, then water, second drink, then done because the better over-all solution to all this would be to figure out how not to get so tightly wound in the first place. Be more a team player, less a steamroller. Yes.. right?

There's the rub. Epiphanies are all well and good, but you have to put in some effort to stop repeating destructive patterns. It's challenging and disorganization continues to push my OCD and control buttons, but I'll start trying to take on the things I can in more manageable chunks - something I learned in my Theater Business class. Works on so many levels.. but still, easier said than done, for me at least.

Man.. this being an adult stuff is hard.

Unanonymous

Sometimes I wish I'd started this blog for the right reasons.. well, ok, scratch that. I did. I started it for me. To work thru things, to be who I wanted, have my own sense of grammar where I made myself laugh at the dumb things I did or said and didn't take myself too seriously. When I first started, I think I definitely took myself too seriously.. and I made blogging mistakes and soon learned being on the fancypants interweb that there is a sense of etiquette even if you're mad at someone you'll never talk to again.. because you might make up. Or, if there's no making up to be had, people could use the words you wrote on said fancypants interweb against you somehow. Of course, it would've helped had I started it anonymously in the first place.

But I didn't. And I did it that way to keep myself accountable. To myself. For me at least, in order to be genuine, you had to know me. Know more than just my relationships thru made up code names and tho I never talked a lot about my day jobs really, it's because they never identified me anyway. They just gave me a reason to feel like a contributing member of society. But with my words and creating them here, I could hone a personality that literally put anything I wanted 'out there' but I forced myself to just be as real as possible because I honestly don't know any other way to be. I could pretend, but it's actually harder to do and the writing would be so forced.

So I'm just me. As I try to be in Real Life. I write what I live and hope it's not boring as all get out because no one wants to read drivel like that. I try to be true to myself and recognize that as I'm getting older, I'm calming down, maturing from this little girl I used to be, and I'm happier with who I've become. I'm not done figuring things out by any means.. it's just nice to feel more settled with who I am.

That said, sometimes things are boring. Sometimes they're so challenging, it's hard to write them out again because I don't want to relive them.. or so much has happened it'd take 20 posts to explain it all and that seems daunting. And sometimes there are just random things that don't seem to go together, kind of like now, and I just write and hope it all ties together.

This weekend, I came home tipsy at 3am from the closing night party of the last show I stage managed and I felt it was time. It really didn't take that long to write, but from start to finish, I summarized most of the last year and then said I didn't understand why we hadn't done this already, after all I thought we'd meant to each other. I said I hoped we could figure out how we might be able to reconnect and be friends someday.. and off that email went to The Boy.

I don't regret it. It needed to happen. It's been almost a year since we've seen each other face to face and I actually knew it would take this long. And of course, I hadn't written something like that before to prove I was stronger than that pull he had on me and because once you send it, you're only waiting for the response and I didn't want to be that girl. So I waited til I knew not only was I stronger, but my heart was healed and I wouldn't live or die based on whether he wrote me back or not.. And no, I'm not dead, of course, and it barely crossed my mind today til I thought about writing and I realized I haven't received any response. And it's fine. But there's that teeny part of me.. that part only I can tell is still there like a scar that if you press it, you can still feel the memory of the hurt..

I wrote Carmen to catch her up on most of the things happening lately as well because life has ramped up and I've been busy with the theater and taking on some big company roles, which is pretty thrilling.. but I thought maybe soon I could come down to visit her while getting in some time with my mom. Since it's been some time since Carmen and her family have had to absorb that I'm the daughter Carmen gave up for adoption and would like to know her, I asked if maybe I could meet two of the four half-siblings I have who live in the area. And for some reason I expected that with a couple of months, they would be just as curious as I was to meet and connect with them.. but it turns out, not so much. They really have no interest in meeting me at all.. at least not right now. It's weird to feel disappointed and also apathetic at the same time. I don't know them so it doesn't seem like a huge deal.. until I put some thought into it and then not ever having siblings who look like me or have any blood relation before, I'm excited by the idea - but I also don't allow myself to hope that of complete strangers. They're so virtual it doesn't hurt.. but the rejection of meeting me does, if that makes any sense at all and I'm not sure it does.

I could start over - another blog that is. Where no one knows me and try another voice and another approach, but it wouldn't be me. I don't hide much of anything and eventually a similar personality would appear if anyone cared to compare them.. not that anyone would. But sometimes, I envy the moments where I know others can do and say anything with no consequences to face going from the virtual world to the Real Life them. But I just don't know how to do that. I want to connect by being real even in this computer-generated circle because I'm a connector in Real Life too. Even if the boyfriend of almost a year lets another whole year pass by in complete silence after we're over, I wonder why that much space is necessary and feel like being friends would be worthwhile. And, even if it's not an instant family reunion after finding my bio mom, I still want to see if some sense of family might come out of it.

I could've let The Boy continue to think I'm invisible, but I was over letting time pass without knowing each other to some degree. I could've done the same thing with Carmen. Not ask to meet her or not care if my siblings aren't ready to know me.. but I don't know how to live anonymously like that. I don't know how to give up or prevent it from effecting me, no matter how mature I get. It won't destroy me, but it certainly challenges a spark in me to stay lit when it wants to fade and give up. So I keep trying. I speak up. I say how I feel when I feel it. I try to act like a grown up when dealing with difficult situations. And I want last year's ick to be so far buried under the good that's created from working at things like these situations so I keep reaching out and hoping the connections I'm trying to make are reciprocated and stick.. and if they're not or if they don't, well.. I know I was as authentic as I can be.

It's risky - the fact that I don't hide much and you can find a lot about me here.. sometimes saying it way too loudly in caps and over-emphasized with too many swear words.. trying to extend myself with those who I think matter, but might not think the same of me.. but that's the point. It's where it gets interesting. I just can't blend into the crowd. The attention whore in me won't allow that especially when there's just no challenge in being anonymous. No one knows who that is. I like the challenge of being myself because I think that girl kind of rocks.

List-less

I don't think I've made a list in a while.. or talked to those cute girls in the UK who I adore and who's blogs I've neglected (they know who they are) and those girls were the ones who were always my listy inspirations. But I saw this list on another blog called Employment FAIL - which you should also read because why? Wayyy funnier than me - but they didn't create the list either so I had to steal it because helloooo.. funniest thing I've seen since oh.. being unemployed in January. And that's saying a lot. Not that there's been a lot to laugh about, tho Karma has been a helping hand lately and not kicking me while I'm down, but here I am, laughing, feeling good and feeling listy. So let's get to it.

Um.. I may have also stolen the post idea from one of Employment FAIL's guest bloggers. Hey, I never said unemployment provided any extra creativity or anything.. just time to think, wow.. I'm so not creative right now. Thus.. here we are. So.

Things I've learned since being unemployed:

1. Mangos are really really good. And only 99 cents at Trader Joe's right now. I personally think that's a bargain for a little Hawaii (or wherever they come from.. I suck at geography) in your mouth.

2. Miss Emma Kitty seems happier with me around more. Not that she notices when I'm not because she'd be sleeping for 8-10 hours, but still.

3. There's way too much traffic at 5pm. What is UP with that?!

4. I have really bad circulation. You know how I figured this out? HOURS of SITTING on my kitchen stool being 'productive' on the laptop by looking for work. And I say it that way because if the people paying $12 an hour would even return my resume submissions, maybe there'd be some hope.. but it's been pretty bleak. Why isn't there an internet cafe in my apartment in a cushier place? Oh right.. there is. It's called THE COUCH, which I avoid because the threat of napping my troubles away doesn't usually work even tho a nap always sounds better than looking for a stupid job.

5. Ok.. jobs are not stupid. They just don't seem to be lining up at my door. Stupid empty line.

6. Not worrying every second about money and bills for the moment is nice.

7. What isn't nice? Poopy diapers.. but over not working at all, I'll take it.

8. Nannying may not be the ideal job for me, however, to get paid for playing trains or super heroes or laughing while a 1-year-old climbs all over you giggling? Yeah.. doesn't suck. 180 degrees less stressful than any office job I can think of.

9. Not all floss is made the same. Do not, I repeat DO NOT, save yourself a measly dollar by purchasing the Target brand Glide floss.. seriously not as good. Splurge the extra buck and get the real thing. I love me some good Tar-zsay deals.. don't get me wrong, but here, I'm forced to draw the line. You are welcome.

10. Happy hour is awesome and you lucky full-time employed people just can't enjoy it like the rest of us. I'm sad for you.

11. I do end up drinking a lot more. Friends take me out, cute boys, etc. Is this good for me? Probably not.. but due to too many drinks more often than not at 100 calories a glass at least, it does make me hit the gym a lot more often. I say that's a decent trade off.

12. That said, bartenders are good friends to have.

13. Shockingly, I can't seem to catch up with my Netflix queue or the dvr recordings waiting patiently for me. I have all the season finales I need however, I like that I haven't been spending my free time in front of the tv. I've been making theater, being creative, fostering it in others actually.. and that's all kinds of awesome.

14. And looking for work is a given. It's just frustrating, like everyone who's unemployed knows. You keep looking for a needle in a haystack, something that speaks to you, something challenging, and which you might have a chance at that 3000 other people aren't qualified for, but you, of course, are. I keep doing it because I have to keep hoping. You have to keep trying. I want to work. I think it's human nature to want to contribute.. but do you wait for the right thing or take whatever might be available? You can't even bus tables without sending a resume and I haven't worked in a restaurant in probably 12 years. How can I be both under and over-qualified for that? Sigh.. I honestly don't know.

15. I've at least found one new direction. Yours truly, besides being a fantastic bosser-arounder, actually has a good eye with seeing what works and what doesn't in theater. The Boy sometimes made me think I didn't because he was also good at what he knew and rather self-absorbed.. but being outside his world and creating my own has made me feel stronger in my own opinion. I've been allowed to move around autonomously a bit in this current show and I've received a ton of positive feedback regarding how I relate and work with this cast. Maybe it's a fluke, but I'm hoping I can shadow the projects of some of the directors I know eventually. I'm kind of excited about those possibilities.

16. Also, if you aren't watching Modern Family, may I ask you WHY NOT?! Have you seen the episode where they all go to Hawaii?! I mention too much that I went to college with Ty Burrell and that he's the nicest guy ever. I don't harass him or anything (simply because I don't have his email), but honestly, it's the funniest thing on tv. True story.

17. Ok ok and tho it seems like I'm watching tv a lot after saying I wasn't, here's the best new equation: Betty White + SNL = OhMYGod! The Delicious Dish muffin sketch? Unbelievable! Not to mention Ana Gasteyer and Molly Shannon are in it too.. but if you haven't seen it, Hulu that asap!

18. I'm an awesome person, a kick ass friend, a great employee (when I'm not late), and an even better stage manager. I struggled with believing these things at the beginning of the year because people - and by that I mean a lot of them - told me otherwise. That's a large weight to process especially when you're still filtering a wounded heart you think you'll never get over and the loss of other people who simply choose not to be in your life any longer. It's nice to know that the numbers who believe in me well outnumber those who don't.. and the negative perspective may not change, but it doesn't effect me like it did a few months ago because the positive feedback just keeps coming my way and unsolicited, I might add. But honestly, I know I lost who I was. I saw that happen, but I couldn't stop it because sometimes you just have to be sad. And now, that super strong and happy girl has finally, FINALLY returned.. and she's even better than I remembered.

My Kind Of Math: Sun + Karma + Blogversary = Happy!

Today could not possibly be more gorgeous. The weather is perfect - a very warm 65 degrees that knocked on my door this morning and beckoned me to come outside my funky victorian apartment with Miss Emma Kitty and absorb some of its magical rays. So we rolled out of bed to do so - after coffee first of course - and I dressed passably enough to not be in pajamas, by which I mean I put a bra on, put the t-shirt back on that I wore to bed and added some cute little cargo pants and some flips. I might've even brushed my hair.. I mean, I'm not completely white trash. Add a flamingo lawn ornament and maybe a mojito in my hand and I could be in a postcard you'd wish you were getting.

Today feels different than the rest of this week but I started to feel this sense of independence yesterday. I don't get it often. I'm not a girl who likes to be alone much. But I imagined a lazy morning, some sitting in the sun on my semi-porch (and thus since starting this post, have burnt my arms for being out so long. Note to self: at least spf 15 is required in this Global Warmed World even with my Mexican skintone. Gah.), a little cardio at the gym and then a night of stage managing the fun cast I've been working with on Poona the Fuckdog. And so far, it's good. I take this feeling when it happens. Sort of like the one I get when I just start cleaning. I don't stop myself because I get on this roll and it just feels good. So when I'm happy being alone, it's not only welcomed, but it's a relief knowing that I'm stronger than I realize sometimes. I'm fine on my own or dating or being out with a group of friends. It also might be that I'm finally letting go of the hurt and insecurity that came with the last heartbreak and that's a giant weight lifted.

I run into people associated with Boy's theater occasionally and sometimes they're weird and sometimes they're super cool depending on who they are. Leaving that world shook me. I thought I'd still be connected despite the break up and/or leaving the company, but I found that wasn't the case due to the fact most of those relationships weren't very real and maybe I wasn't all that well liked considering my boyfriend was the executive director and I guess people thought he was babying me. Who knows.. moreover.. who cares..

That said, not everyone is like that in the theater world and just making new connections and starting to feel refreshed is something positive. I'm considering auditioning again, tho I hate it - as do most actors - but if I get my shit together I could start to get a feel if I really do suck or if this is something I could at least do once in a while. Being a stage manager is good when I need a bossy kick.. but it's not very creative. I need an attention whore outlet once in a while, I have to admit, and it's been long overdue.

In the meantime, unemployed is what I still call myself since the nannying is just part-time and I'm not sure I'll continue it long-term. I require my own nap after looking after children all day.. and by all day I mean maybe six hours sometimes. It's a level of exhaustion I didn't expect - not that I don't adore them and their families, because I do, but you can't take your eyes off them for a second or they could fall down the stairs, blind themselves or a sibling with the tail of a plastic alligator, hit their chin on a table corner, fall off a stool.. I mean, dear God - they should be enveloped in bubble wrap for safety at all times in my opinion - tho I'm sure Children's Services would have something to say about that.. but it's just a suggestion.

Dating is still there.. some new options have made themselves known, but I'm not thinking about it too much or putting too much pressure on anyone. Maybe it's this gorgeous sun shining down on my face and making my freckles pop that inspires an extra boost of happy just in being with myself or just another girlfriend to make everything feel like it's working these days. I love the idea of finally letting last year go and even tho this one came with a rocky start, it seems that's how my years tend to begin so I should just know by the time spring arrives, everything will smooth itself out.

Speaking of which, tho I'm about a week late - it was the last day of April five years ago was when I began this blog. A lot has happened. I've grown up a bit, I think I was funnier then, but whatever - I'm all at the same time cockier and more self-deprecating. I'm not sure if there's a word for that other than perspective. I think I'm awesome, but yeah.. I'm a complete dork who makes a kajillion mistakes and I fall down a lot in public. It's a trade off. But overall? I'm happier, I feel good that I'm still here, still writing honestly and doing my best to be true to myself. I'm proud of that. And I hope you are too.. my FOUR readers. Hey, that's fine with me. I'm no prima donna, but I do love love.. so I'll take whatever I can get. Happy Blogversary to me!

As usual, please feel free to send wine or money.. or wine-flavored money.. whatever.

Awesomeness Pending..

When you need some cheering up.. when things seem like they're not falling into place - trust that they will eventually because, I have to tell you - whatever it is comes back around your way, bad times will suddenly become a memory, the sun will shine, the clouds will part and rainbows and bunnies and unicorns will become a daily visual occurrence.

I WON the unemployment benefits appeal.. Thank you VERY much!

I can hardly stand it, it's SO awesome!

Stuff Goes Here

As per usual, I'm in the middle of tech week for the next show I'm stage managing, Poona the F@#kdog (true story AND the play is AWESOME I might add), and have no time whatsoever to catch up with my favorite virtual world. For you who are real, eesh.. my apologies! I suck.

I haven't read your blogs, haven't written anything new in my own and with the nannying I just started.. seriously? Write at the end of the day? Hi.. sleep is the first priority. It'd happen if I wanted to or not anyway. I'm sort of comatose as soon as I walk in the door at the end of the day. I write in my dreams, people! It's now a luxury! Who knew?!

I spend my day looking after the welfare of small humans, which is actually quite rewarding but extremely exhausting and then I go to rehearsal after a teensy tiny break. Yesterday I fit in 25 minutes at the gym and it was a freakin miracle I made it to rehearsal on time. Because.. helloo.. have you tried to park in Belltown?! Brings you to tears if you actually get a spot within three blocks of where you'd like to be any given day of the week. I can't even talk about weekends and the last two days I got rockstar parking in front of the theater. NEVER happens. I heard choirs of angels singing..

I digress.. AND I need to get in the shower, down some coffee and prep some chai for the rest of my day. Three hours with one family. A one hour break. Three hours with another family and then maybe, naptime for me. What? You learn to appreciate the value of naps so much more when you put kids down daily. Especially for little boys.. wow they are high energy All. The. Time. And they throw things. But naps are my new favorite thing.

Ok.. off I go! Next time.. something wayyyy more substantial and possibly interesting! Yes!

Living Proof

I've had a couple of weeks now to absorb the idea that she does exist, my birth mother. She's very much alive, has always thought of me, prayed for me, and hoped that I'd been given a good life since she gave me up for adoption. It's a nice feeling - seeing her face, her smile, her eyes.. all of which resemble the face I've seen in the mirror for 38 years. She's been able to see that in her other children but I've never known that feeling and I'm not sure I even have words yet to express that sense of satisfaction. I knew I'd look just like her. I just knew.

I drove down to my grandmother's house that week, near the end of March, and met both her and my mother there. It was all very every day, like they see me all the time even tho they don't. The only thing that was odd was when I mentioned needing to get some lunch since they'd already eaten, Mom handed me $20 without even thinking. She knows I'm unemployed but I sort of felt 17 again and she was just being a mom. It just made me wonder, in a matter of hours, how my birth mother would welcome me.. not that I expected her to give me money.. that would just be weird, but would I feel the connection of mother to child at all or would she just be a complete stranger I was meeting for the first time?

I headed to Mama C's house for dinner that afternoon. She lives in a quiet neighborhood in a pretty suburb of Portland and I stopped at the top of her street because I honestly couldn't breathe. My heart was beating outside my chest and I needed an extra boost to make it the rest of the way so I called my friend, Anthony, who reminded me this is what I've been dreaming about for the last 10 years and there was nothing to be scared of. I could totally do it. Right. Yes. Gasp.. gasp. Ooook.

I'm not sure what kind of casual you're supposed to be when meeting the woman who gave birth to you a lifetime of years ago whom you've never met.. but I was trying to embody that when I pulled up to her house. Heyyy.. yeah.. I'm totally cool. Not having ANY issues NOT breathing AT ALL! Nope! Not even! Whoooo..

I walked up to the house, a lovely colonial, and the door sort of just opened before I could knock and there she was. She'd just had hip surgery and was using a walker, but immediately I was looking into eyes that were exactly like mine. That's the first thing I noticed.. and that basically, I was looking into my own face about 30 years from now. I. Can't. Even. Begin.. explaining the feeling that gave me.. like I could almost feel the missing piece of me being filled. And then we both tried to have a normal chat between two women who've never met before that moment and catch up years of lost time. Mostly, we just sat there trying not to stare at the other in amazement even tho that's exactly what we were doing.

How does one take this all in? She asked so many questions and because I was simply overwhelmed and she seemed so much calmer in her own setting, I talked about myself because that's easy. 'No, not married, no children.. I had this awful year.. um..' and she handed me a tissue because suddenly I was crying out of no where relaying the Cliff's notes from then to now - loss of a lover, a stepfather, a broken mother, loss of stable employment - and I was realizing I came with nothing. I mean, you lose so much you just feel like a loser. And there I was with nothing to offer the woman who decided to carry me for nine months and unselfishly let me go to another family who could provide for me when she couldn't.

They had pictures of their family and friends all over the house. She showed me my four half-brothers and sisters and I could see the resemblances between us. I just nodded and kept thinking, finally, I see it. I saw pictures of their children and then my biological grandparents who are no longer living. My grandmother looks happy and spry in all her pictures including one for her graduation when she went back to school to finish her degree. Her dress was appropriate for her grandmotherly age, but hot pink and she wore matching heels. In that picture she looks like she'd be the last one to leave the dance floor. I can definitely see where I get my spirit from. It was unbelievably cool.

I also saw pictures of Mama C as a nun and then after beginning her life with her husband, Charlie. She was always smiley and bubbly and is wearing the cutest a-line dresses I was coveting. She told me about her sisters as well. Helen, the youngest, committed suicide some years ago and was bi-polar and the oldest, Josephine, is alive but suffering from a degenerative muscle disorder. Both situations made me sad for her. All their pictures as young women are so pretty, but Helen sort of reminded me of Raquel Welch when she was younger - that type of wow pretty with no effort. I loved seeing everyone - my mother, her sisters, my grandmother - living their lives.. even in just black and white or 1975 tinted color.. I just wanted to keep them all in my memory.

She told me none of her children were ever told about me til the day before I arrived and my sister and brother who live in Portland were still digesting the news. The other two live in Virginia and she's figuring out how to tell them since that might be better conveyed in person. I can understand how it would be quite a shock to be told you're not the oldest or first child anymore.. and she says now they're absorbing it well, but I haven't met them yet. Baby steps..

Mama C gave me the best piece of information when we talked on the phone the day before: my ethnicity. I've been asked a zillion times and could never answer the question. I romanticized it and thought Mexican and Irish, Portuguese or Spanish something or other and wholesome Cracker.. ? But I know now. My grandfather was Mexican and my grandmother was Mexican and French. My father, she remembered, was Jewish and tho I don't think it adds up to a whole, it equals something to the effect of slightly more than a third Mexican, possibly half Jewish, and an eighth French. That equals ALL kinds of awesome, doesn't it? I was never good at math, but just knowing the combination makes me feel like a pretty fantastic collection of people.

The story of my conceptioin is the tough part to explain because it wasn't a happy situation for her. She'd given up her vows as a nun about a year and a half prior, she'd previously been fairly sheltered, and she was a young Catholic woman in the world trying to make something of herself. At 30 she looked much younger and it's possible too she was just naive having come from her previous world. Either way, she went out with my father once, never saw him again, and realized she probably should've known him a bit better. She's embarrassed by the details I'm leaving out so that's the most I can really say, which is still probably too much.. but I was right when I guessed she didn't tell him so he never knew about me. She doesn't even remember his name and I think that's the best thing for her. She feels blessed that something good came out of it and I'm ok leaving it at that for both of us. With no information about him, my father would be impossible to find and besides that, I always felt she had all the answers I was seeking.

We went back and forth with stories and questions, sometimes interrupting to find out random bits - if I liked British mysteries - she does, I've no opinion really; if she sings - I do, she does, but I don't think as often or like I'd strived to do in theater and bands, but she's musical - likes jazz piano, which she's learning. I used to take piano when I was a kid. She reads, writes, likes the arts, history, has at least one or two more volumes of the complete works of Shakespeare than I do (I have three), and she became completely annoyed when the Gypsy Kings came on the cd player. I tried not to laugh but I thought the same thing - they have their place, but at that moment, it was just noise. She had me turn it off. Later, at dinner, her husband was just bringing the last item and she put her hand on mine and said, 'I think I'm a little OCD,' and I replied in shock, 'No.. I say that ALL the time! What makes you say that?' And she looked towards the cupboard where Charlie had left one open and she said, 'He'll do that, leave the cupboard door open and it drives me crazy,' and she firmly told him to make sure he shut it and he even more firmly told her to let it go in response. Ahem. 'Sometimes I risk it,' she whispered coyly after that and I giggled because I do the exact same thing. Press people. Since she was laid up and unable to move much, her daughter was coming over the next day to help her clean the house the way she likes it and again, I knew exactly what she meant. Clearly I'm not the only woman cut from that Cloth of Crazy.. and by crazy of course you know I mean we just require the people who love us to be very, very patient.. even tho we don't know the meaning of the word ourselves. What?

Charlie, besides being 10 years younger, did all the fussing about dinner and dessert. It was very sweet and he was just as welcoming with me. I could tell he was very protective of her especially in her condition of being unable to get around much. He left us alone the majority of the time to talk and joined us briefly when the subject of religion came up. It's something they're both deeply passionate about and it's elemental in their lives. It's one thing we don't have in common, but I've always felt on the fence about it and drawn to issues of God and the devil, heaven and hell, and I've decided for myself what exists for me and what doesn't. She was understanding where I was with my own spirituality even tho her faith is very cemented and the beliefs surrounding that as well. For example, they don't agree homosexuality is God's plan for people, but they know they're in the minority these days. I don't think she approves of people living together before marriage, but again, she realizes it's what people do. I don't think her own children grow up that way because they all mostly follow along the same religious path and she tells me they're all successful and happy. And then there's a moment when I think she thinks the most obvious loss to her, the lack of God in my life, has lead to my sense of feeling lost altogether. She never said that.. it was just a look.. and we both let it go.

When it was time to leave, I remembered I needed a picture. The woman, I kid you not, BOLTED, for her lipstick and said she had to get it. Her husband started to protest and I just shook my head and said, 'No, really, it's fine.. I completely understand,' having done that oh, a thousand times myself before a picture. We may look younger than our years, but we are a tad vain. It's so funny what turns out to be inherited behaviors..

I went back the next morning before I had lunch with my family just to chat a bit more and talk about the possibilities. We'd both really let it settle in, this idea of starting a slow relationship of getting to know one another. She said she was overwhelmed and emotional about it, but she seemed pretty calm and collected. I'm not often that way when I'm emotional so there are certainly bits I wonder about getting from my father or maybe more my grandmother.. but it was good to be back there again, even if only for a short visit.

We traded emails and numbers and I recommended a book she should read, The History Of Love. I told her I'd send her the link. My other favorite, David Sedaris, is probably not her style.. in the slightest.. so I thought this was one she could share with me for it's endlessly gorgeous writing and she'd like the mystery that unravels til the twist is revealed at the end. It's seriously the most beautiful book I've ever read.

We hugged. She blessed me (not kidding). There was lots of looking into the big eyes we share and trying not to cry, but just feeling the happy of that moment. Knowing the search is over. It's huge. She's in my life.. where I always hoped she'd be. It's such an incredible gift.

So.. that's that. We're staying in touch and so far, so good. I'm looking forward to the possibilities.

I actually just sent her that book tonight. I really hope she likes it.