Go Away Snow Days.. So Over You

Ok.. um.. I'm done with it. The snow. Dude. I'm not kidding. Mom just called and cancelled Christmas. CANCELLED. CHRISTMAS. Hi. I'm a little pissed now. I mean, we're in Seattle. WTF is going on with this foot of snow?! And tomorrow they're predicting another 1-3 inches?! Crap.

I mean.. this stuff is fun:

Ana and I went on a snow day excursion thru Fremont yesterday and it was the perfect temperature.. well, with leggings on underneath my jeans, two pars of hiking socks, hiking boots, a tank, a long-sleeve shirt and wool turtleneck on along with my coat, scarf and gloves. Yeah.. perfect!

We shopped, had very fancy hot chocolate and found very fancy snowmen!

Yes! And that was all great and lovely.. and we had heaps of fun. Yay fun!

But you know.. that was Sunday. Today? Today is Monday. Today I had to go to work. And I made it there! Yay! But you want to know how many times I got stuck in the snow just attempting this get-to-work feat?! A frickin lot. Ok.. just two. But there were two more times when I tried to make it to Boyfriend's after work. That's 4 (FOUR!). AND.. for your information, I now know I need between two and three really strong guys to push me out when this happens. Now.. in this weather, there are plenty of two or three really strong guys.. but not many who don't get exasperated quickly when they find that my ass is stuck again RIGHT AFTER they JUST helped me get unstuck. Yes. Annoying. You don't even know.. I was this close to throwing a complete tantrum in my car because I was so utterly frustrated and near tears after successfully getting just blocks from Boyfriend's house and finding my car really doesn't like snowy intersections. No. Not at all. And strangers? Really not that nice. HI! IT'S CHRISTMAS PEOPLE! Would you mind HELPING a tiny little girl with big brown eyes get out of the way instead of HONKING at her? Yeah.. that'd be GREAT! Thanks SO much! You're AWESOME! And by awesome, I mean the meanest person ever.. so there.

Yeah. So Boyfriend came to my rescue. Literally. I was on the phone to the police pretty close to freaking out and she's trying to calm me down and telling me she knows exactly what I'm going thru and then the strangers push me out twice and I just pull over in the snow and give the fuck up. Yup. That's what I did. Turned off the car, said goodbye to the nice police lady and waited in my Stupid Snow Frustration. Jake arrived a few minutes later and I'm convinced nothing will change when he drives and he will only spin out like I was doing, but he smartly backs up and gets onto the road that is better (why the hell did I not think of that?!) and all of a sudden, we're at his place and that's that. Like magic.

I hate it when he's right. My hero! Yay!

But now we are at his place and we're making baked doughnuts for Hanukkah and corn muffins with honey and blueberries.. um.. for no reason.. just because. And mulled wine! And we're going to play Monopoly with his roommate and who knows what else!

I hope you are having fun wherever you are. Don't feel too sorry for me but you could pray for this silly snow to melt and the next Winter Storm Of 2008 that's due tomorrow night to kindly pass us by quietly and non-dangerously and stuff.. I would appreciate it. Because then maybe I could get to see my family and show off the Boyfriend and Christmas wouldn't be cancelled.. I mean.. c'mon.. you have to admit canceling Christmas is the lamest. Poor poor me! Send Bailey's to cheer me up! Or Kahlua! Or money! I'll save you a muffin.. yeah?

Snow Day!

A week before Christmas and I think it dumped about five inches of snow on us today. The temperature never got above 30 and for most of the day it's been between 25 and 29 degrees anyway. We're just not used to this. It's crazy!

My very first winter here - I think about 13 years ago now - it really snowed. Up to the car door handle. People were housebound for like nine days. We all got a teensy bit of cabin fever tho I'm sure the people who normally love snow had a great time. Some North Westerners like myself aren't all that fond of being cold. I know. It's like me not liking fish. I know.. I'm weird. Whatever.

The Boyfriend and I have been having a good day. I got up to go to work out of habit.. and when I got out of the shower, Boyfriend mumbled that I should look out the window, which even tho I'd heard it would snow in the middle of the night, hadn't checked. There was at least a couple inches that had fallen and it was snowing lightly but steadily. After trying to figure out if I should go into work and doing a little over the phone, it was determined with only two people out of our company actually made it in and that the office was going to close later in the afternoon. No sense of risking an accident especially since I just found out my two front tires are barely legal to be driving. Sort of forgot to rotate the tires in the last two years.. oops! So.. um.. NO WORK! YAY!

The first order of business today: Breakfast! Jake doesn't live far from the main thoroughfare of Capitol Hill so we walked the four blocks and gawked at all the people sledding and the businesses that didn't seem to be open and damn it was cold as the snow was really coming down.

After breakfast, we both got hair cuts and then did some window and grocery shopping since it seemed we weren't going anywhere far after we got home. Then we watched a bunch of Secret Millionaire episodes (have you SEEN this show??! AMAZING! You need a tissue EVERY TIME!), 'napped', then really napped.. ahem, he made chocolate bread - yum! - and these spicy sauteed brussel sprouts for lunch.. we've been random about our eating and doing things. I can't explain it. Hibernating I suppose and trying to keep the ADD boy from going batshit. He always has to be doing something.

Tonight is very exciting. We are continuing the baking trend now that his roommate, Nick, is home - after a slightly treacherous drive back from the eastside where he slowly slid into a telephone pole and then decided to park the car and walk the rest of the way home. Boyfriend is making dinner first, Iron Man is on the movie list for the boys since neither has seen it, and I'm going to make cranberry orange muffins (fat free!) while they do that. Nick is at this very moment putting on holiday music - ahh old Dean Martin.. I could just swoon right here.

I'm going to go help Boyfriend with dinner so I hope you are all settled in for the night and staying out of the snow and ice. Cuddle in with your loved ones, play some Scrabble, and drink some hot chocolate.. Mwah!

Some New Holiday Traditions

Wouldn't you know it? December is here! Holy crap did the year go by fast.. like.. seriously. And the people are already going holiday bonkers because let's be honest - it sort of drives yours truly a bit nutty when I see Christmas trees PRIOR to Thanksgiving. I'm just saying people.. overachieve much? Settle down already. Wait a day. Can't you? Apparently, they can't.

I'm not a Scrooge. I love the holidays. I just wish the songs playing everywhere weren't the the worst ones of the bunch. You know.. the really annoying ones by the people who can't sing or shouldn't sing.. or like five of them singing badly together. Because it's Christmas they think they should. Someone should really clear that up for them.

I also wish I hadn't seen like 134 diamond commercials letting me know that my boyfriend must not truly love me if he doesn't get me one or I don't love my mom if I don't get her one.. Obviously, a diamond, or eight, says everything words couldn't possibly say.. even tho.. um.. there are words I say.. and have said.. and could say.. but to the diamond people, I've missed the point. I think the diamond people should try saying 'I love you' without a box in hand that has something shiny in it. I bet it's hard for them. Poor saps. No, literally.. poor saps.

Maybe I'm just jealous because financially, life is a bit on the budgety side. And don't get me wrong, shiny and blingy things are lovely when you don't feel it's force-fed to you that you have to have one or get one for someone, etc. Personally, it just doesn't take a lot to make me happy. I love candles and scarves, books, magazine subscriptions cuz I never do that myself.. I don't need trips or electronics or gadgety things.. I like thoughtful things. I love stuff like high tea shared with one of my best girlfriends, which we still have to do together for our birthdays, Kari! A movie out with Boyfriend rather than another Daily Show (or as we've been doing lately, dinner with like four different ideas that don't really go together but are still very tasty all on one plate and catching up on season 5 of The West Wing.). Easy things like that.. except that finding the time is never that easy. Maybe that's what I want this year: Time. More of it. Santa? You hear me?

Actually, before that - I want to get rid of this cold. Can Santa bring me wellness and health early? I mean, please.. I've been more sick this year than ever before. What is the deal? I had the flu not once, but twice this year.. and the second time was the most miserable 10 days ever. I think since then I've had about 17 colds.. including one set of nasty sniffles over my birthday weekend. Hi. All sorts of lame that was. I think I'm just about out of sick days at work and that NEVER happens. I never use sick days in the first place but now I'm almost out?! And this one - man.. this 'almost-bronchitis' can go any day. The coughing is consistent enough to rattle my brain and sound like I'm close to dying, but not enough to keep me hacking away so much that I can't breathe - so hey, there's that bright spot. Yay! I won't crack any ribs it seems but I'm guessing the copious amounts of Airborne and Vitamin C I'm downing are attempting to strengthen this weeny immune system enough so I can at least continue to get paid at the cubefarm and still answer questions like, 'Wow.. you ok over there? Gonna live?' after a lovely sounding coughing spell.

So yes.. first health and then time. Got it? Um.. gift-wrapped please.

Really, I'm not all complaining. Thanksgiving was actually really lovely. Jake rolled his eyes a bit as I guess I might too when you're so used to spending time with your family - I mean, if it was my family, I understand that eye roll.. but they're not my family, they're his.. and I rather like them.

We had Thursday Thanksgiving with his aunt and uncle and 40 other people I'd say at their co-housing place. I'd never heard of co-housing, but it was très interesting. It's like a housing complex but with people who like and know each other and plus a huge sort of communal house for big dinners, weddings, festivities, whatever. Why don't more people do things like that?

The food was spectacular, there was heaps of wine, lots of chat with the family and everyone who's heard of Boyfriend's theatre and saw Arabian Nights.. I had a good time, tho Boyfriend seemed a wee bit distant.

The next day he got up early to go shopping for supplies so he could make biscuits from scratch to bring with us to dinner. I had leftover spinach dip from the office potluck that went over well too. The rest of his family and some of his parent's neighbors there, we dug in for our feast, played one round of Scrabble I confidently kicked serious ass on, devoured homemade cobbler and pie for dessert than I sneakily came from way behind to win the most exciting round of Apple To Apples ever! THEN.. and you won't even believe this.. THEN his DAD suggested we watch Love, Actually! Who's dad does that?! It was pretty great.

The review in the car was standard about the evening Boyfriend and I had just had with his family. And I don't even remember how it happened.. or who said what.. but it became very clear he was annoyed with me. Not angry, just.. irritated. And he didn't want to make a big deal about it, but I pushed because I'd felt it the night before too and as it came up, it's been happening more often that I'd noticed. He'd say I'm too loud or give me a look if he thought I misspoke or interrupted someone at the theatre. He couldn't be specific in his instances and I just said I was sorry if I made him uncomfortable, but I couldn't be sorry for being myself.

It came to light that even tho he seems comfortable and extroverted in every situation, maybe he's not or maybe he's a teensy bit quieter and calm about the whole thing whereas I'm a self-proclaimed hyper chihuahua about most things and have been accused of being from New York in other instances where I'm as honest and direct as I wish other passive-aggressive Seattlites would be more often. So there.

But I was honest about that direct person I've become. I know it can be brassy to some, but I was painfully shy when I was younger and it's taken me a lot of work to get past that. I was made to feel small all the time. I don't like feeling small in my grown up relationships - and he didn't realize he was doing that, but I was just relieved he didn't think it was something that would keep eating at him or cause him to end things. It seems it's the baggage from his past relationship where he often apologized for things she said or did and he wasn't treated well. And it was such a relief to get to that point of realization. I felt good that I'd stood up for myself, but wasn't defensive, asked questions that helped us find answers which enlightened us both, and after a few hugs and kisses to make up and maybe wiping a few errant tears away from my face, we understood the other a little better. Maybe we loved each other more.. I don't know. I love him quite a bit already.. I mean, his biscuits were pretty good.

And the next night we had a date. Dinner was about four different ideas all on one plate, we sat in front of The West Wing for hours while I coughed all the way thru, discussed politics, had great sex, and I fell asleep next to the most important thing.. the only thing I want for the holidays. 

Now.. what the hell am I going to get him for Hanukkah?

Self-Reflection

This year's holidays prove to be a little non-traditional for a wide variety of reasons. I won't be able to make it to see my family due to all my work and rehearsal conflicts, but I have another family to join, which makes me feel all love-full inside. And, in reflection of all that's happened throughout 2008 so far, I have a lot to be grateful for. I decided to be listy today because really, do you have that much time this weekend before you get to your turkey or veggie-turkey eating? No. No you do not. That pumpkin pie is calling and your grandma's homemade rolls. Dude. I get it. So here goes..

I'm grateful for:

* the love of my family - my mom has never been so happy and supportive and my stepfather has proven to be a constant source of strength for all of us.

* that even tho my stepfather was recently diagnosed with a pretty yucky cancer, we just found out it's type 3, which hey - isn't as bad as type 4 apparently - and he'll begin chemo next month (not fun). He's facing that challenge with courage in the face of all our anxieties about it and I'm ever so proud.

* the moment that Boyfriend fell in love with me about five months ago - a moment I won't ever forget and wasn't sure would happen because I know how maddening I can be sometimes. He can change my whole perspective on a crappy day because he's such a bright and positive force. He isn't afraid to call me on my shit and listen when I need it.. and he cops to his own mistakes as well when we have the misunderstandings any couple would. He's adorable, funny, crazy smart and sexy, and one of the most fun people I know. I'm completely and fantastically in love with him.

* Jake's family - who are welcoming me to their Thanksgiving and Hanukkuh holidays. Their Thanksgiving is probably similar to my family's, however, it will be my first Hanukkuh, which apparently isn't such a huge deal to any of them, especially Jake, as it is to me because hi! MY FIRST HANUKKUH! Duh. I'm excited to spend holidays with his family because that's part of him and they drink wine and laugh like he does and I see where he gets certain aspects of his personality from his mom or his dad.. it's just all kinds of awesome. And we play lots of Scrabble! What's not to love?

* my friends:

to Shine, who's been my little sister and put up with the good and the bad of us living together, but who I love as family with all my heart.

to Fatima and Loren - even tho I never see them, like ever, but when we get together, it's like no time has even passed. They are still two of my favorite people cuz we all just get each other.

to Kari and Megan who I've known since high school and will always be in my life - Kari especially who is always just a phone call away and never questions when we haven't talked and I need her or she needs me - we're just there.

to Eight who always shows me there is more to life than what I already know, the ever adventurous in many things, who pushes my comfort zone, and who I'm so happy to see is graced with a smart and sexy new love who is completely sane, kind, and without drama. Congrats dear friend!

to Jason and Mike who come out when they have time for wine, theatre, and other random events and who are two of the kindest male friends in my life.

to Abby who is now back in the area with her new baby and family and who I always miss more after seeing her gorgeous face in our brief moments of catching up.

to Erin, Paul B, Paul S and Boz to taking a great risk on that crazy adventure to Burning Man with me this year - what amazing times we had, what a story we had to tell once we returned, and what a lovely bond we all created. So happy we had that together!

to the girlfriends I don't get to see often but whom I love anyway - Ana (with whom we shared a lovely last minute birthday party), Katie, Cindy, and Cayetana - love you to bits and wish I had more room for more time with all of you. Let's try to make up for that..

* this new love - Balagan Theatre - the beautiful chaos that's become a new home of mine where I get to work in the arts, make things happen, be apart of a creative energy that I've been needing for so long. It's wonderful and stressful, but there's so much life there, even if the drama is offstage at times, I love being apart of it all.

I hope everyone takes a moment to reflect on what you have, what others do not comparitively, and remember how lucky we all are. Hug your family and friends, tell them you love them, make a donation, skip the madness of Black Friday, unless of course it makes your mom happy (which it did mine last year so I understand), and have a very safe and happy holiday!

Now go! Eat some pie!

Things Like This Make Me Happy

A month or so ago, Boyfriend sent this clip of this guy Matt to me. I'd never heard of him, but apparently, people were wondering where the hell he was. I'm always late to find out everything clearly because I wasn't wondering at all. But once I saw where the hell he was and where the hell he'd been, I understood why everyone was.. well.. wondering.

As I'm a complete html moron, I'm unable to get the comments link to show up if I embed the actual video from either vimeo or youtube. Lame. So I had to resort to just linking it below.

Watch the video all the way thru. It's soooo awesome! Like crazy awesome! As you watch you might start smiling quite a bit. It's sort of like watching the Free Hugs video but sillier. And the last shot ends in Gasworks Park in Seattle.

Spread the love today!

Where the hell is Matt?

Yes We Did..

It really happened. We voted in the first African-American chief executive. Not that it's about color, because it's about how he convinced us that our government wasn't protecting its citizens, that he would change all that, and he said it like he meant it, remaining calm and cool throughout.

I still can't believe it's going to happen in just a couple of months. No more Republican-out-for-the-rich-and-fuck-the-rest-of-America while the rest in those red states still believe W was the answer to all their problems for some reason beyond my understanding and that McCain would bring something that W may have missed. Palin was the scariest answer to a VP in years and we can only thank the majority of the country for waking up to that fact that having a regular old 'joe' in the white house wasn't actually the best idea after all. Someone who knew what they were talking about might need to be a requirement.

It's a new day. He's got a lot of work to do. He'll make mistakes. He won't be as favored all the time as he is right now.. and we have to hope he'll come thru it all. The next four years will be really interesting I think..

And, for the first time in a very long time, I'm so over the moon to be an American. We did it! Yay us!

Now all we have to do is make people realize that everyone should have the right to marry. Seriously.. what is so sacred about the heterosexual divorce rate? Shame on you, California..

Will She Rise..

God.. this was a really hard day..

Finally thinking I'm on the mend, I came into work. Still sniffly, I managed thru tho. But not long there, I'd missed following up on something I didn't see as urgent from last week and my lead - someone who used to be a friend and has, since he's become management, changed so drastically I don't even want to know him - became so upset with me he had to pull me into an office. I'm told I 'don't pay attention', that I'm 'making excuses', that my 'work is suffering' - none of which is true. My work is not suffering or he would've had something else to tell me when I asked what else I'd dropped. He wouldn't hear about his inconsistancy from me, that when I go to him for help he wonders why I didn't do it myself and when I try to do it myself, he asks me why I didn't escalate it to him. No. The talk wasn't about that, it's what I'd failed to do, which we'd gone over three times. I said each time I was sorry, I would fix it immediately, but I didn't understand why he was so upset. He said I knew exactly why he was upset. For the reasons he just gave. Ok John Wayne. Fine. I dropped my head. Said 'ok.. is there anything else?' And with his 'no', I left - almost in tears and fighting to keep them back. How's that for a motivating conversation? I worked til 8:30 - 12 hours - thru lunch and beyond to catch up what I'd missed from being stuck with a cold this week and home for a day so I could be out tomorrow and Monday for a weekend away with the Boyfriend. And I still feel like I failed..

Mom called before that - my stepdad was going in for surgery right then - said it'd be about five hours and he'd be out. They were going to remove the tumor they still couldn't determine anything about and call it a day. They've done four biobsies that were inconclusive so we really didn't think there was much to worry about, but it was causing him a variety of problems regardless.

When she called in the late afternoon, much longer than five hours, I figured it had to be good news and she was headed home. Immediately, she said it hadn't gone well and I could hear her choking back tears. The doctors went in and could tell right away it was cancer. It'd spread all over his gall bladder. They told her they couldn't operate because it's so intrusive around that organ, it would've killed him. And then she sort of broke all over the phone. She couldn't answer any of my questions really, she didn't know the answers and said the doctors would tell her more later - but all I could think of were horrible things like how much longer does he have to live and isn't that what they do on Grey's Anatomy when there's nothing they can do? Look in, go 'ohmygod', and sew them back up, telling the patient in the next scene how sorry they are but they couldn't do anything and by the way, you really don't have much longer? I mean, if they can't remove it, isn't it bad? Too much tv for this one here, clearly.

It's a bad day when your mother calls you crying.. that's all I'm saying.. and then I'm crying and feeling so sad that she has to go thru this all over again. It sucks. It's unfair. It's all kinds of lame.

Um.. also? My 37th birthday is Sunday. So you know what I'm grateful for because I already have them and don't need anything else? Shine's hugs when I get home from this crappy day, my cat, Jake's hugs as well once I'm packed and head over to his house to sleep with him for the first time in three days, that I'll be allowed to cry on his shoulder and let it all out - all of it - til I have no more left and can fall asleep feeling safe and loved.. and then off we go tomorrow morning - after I've put a cold compress to my swollen eyes probably - to Victoria for a well-deserved, long overdue four-day weekend where I get him all to myself and we can have high tea and walk aimlessly in the rain and pretend we're fantastic world travelers (ok I'll pretend - he already is) and feel drunk from all the love between us - or because of many drinks.. whatever works. I'm not picky at this moment.

So off I go! No gifts please.. just send love.. or I guess wine would be ok.. or money.. a new job wouldn't be half bad either.. but don't knock yourself out or anything. Just suggestions, mind you.. And you know, take care of you. Tell your family you love them, ok? Just saying..

The Theatre Is A Wicked, Wicked Siren..

First of all.. how did it get to be almost the end of October and this is the first time I've had to complete a post?! I just want you all to know I've started like 33 of them. I never get time to finish because I weigh getting a post out to the world against oh.. sleep. Or sex. I think you know which of the latter things end up taking priority.. yes, you do. But I digress..

Fall has descended on Seattle and I'm kind of happy for it because that means more excuses to stay inside and get cozy in front of Dirty Sexy Money or The Office AND not feel bad if dinner solely consists of gourmet bread and cheeses and accouterments with a little balsalmic and olive oil for dipping. Mmm. At the same time.. the sun disappears until next June practically and it gets pretty dark and grey, which equals depressing sometimes.. especially when you've discovered you're suddenly a theatre widow.

When Boyfriend gets wrapped up in a project, his focus is 100% directed. Not that I didn't know how busy and how pulled in however many directions he was when I met him.. and not that this weekend didn't have me smiling with pride because it did. He really knows how to inspire a group of people with his energy and love for a script. It's been pretty amazing to watch Arabian Nights come together. The cast is so cohesive and they've worked really hard. The crew, including Jake, has been supportive but firm in how they've pushed the actors and it's something to see when he tries to get something out of them. They're smart, they're driven, and it's clear they were all excited about opening, which was this last weekend and a pretty smashing success. Seriously - you can read it right here!

Tech weekend was insanity. Those committed to designing and hanging lights started at 12:30am on Sunday morning - after our rental and our monthly late night was done. I came in to start repainting the walls in the cabaret to prep for the art we're exhibiting during the run of the show. They're photographs of Afgahnistan by my friend Wazhma's father - most post-9/11 and obviously war-torn. They're simply stunning. It's nice to have an art show that's so relevant to the play we're doing and I was really proud of myself for thinking of her and securing it.

Jake and the technical director had started at 8am to construct the new bar that really pulls the lobby together. He had rehearsal after that, and then worked the bar for the late night show. So when we all started at 12:30am, he'd been up for close to 16 hours already. When I arrived, they were already moving the seats to an in-the-round formation, the crew was hanging tulle and silks up in the ceiling to give the theatre a tent-like feeling, they painted and organized the bar and the old bar was moved to become the box office and with all the painting in the cabaret, it all started to feel fresh and new and I was getting more and more excited for this opening - and more exhausted. It was 4:30am - no wonder. So the crew and I called it a night.. er.. morning.. and left Jake to finish up for another 30 minutes - dedicated as ever - to get the last bit of painting done on the theatre floor. We had a quick goodbye and I went home and crashed at my place with the cat, ready to start again the next day at 2pm.

After sleeping til after 11 on Sunday, it didn't feel like I'd triumphed much over the tired. I texted Boyfriend good morning and didn't hear back from him. I'd texted the night before as well in the wee-est of hours.. a sweet good night about how things were coming together so beautifully.. and no response from that either. It just started to get to me a little, the focus change.

When I arrived at the theatre, Jake and the crew had already been there for a couple of hours, and still weren't close to being ready for cue to cue with the cast. I went over to say hello thinking he'd lean in for a kiss since rehearsals and tech had prevented us from having much time together at all and well.. because that's a nice way to greet your girlfriend maybe. He turned right back to what he was doing sans kiss and that was the moment I started to take it personally. Silly - but I was craving just a little connected affection.. the normal things like the way he looks at me that makes me feel special, a kiss after not ending our night together - the small stuff that maintains you - or me rather. And it's not just that we hadn't seen each other. We see each other all the time at the theatre.. but he hadn't seen me.. the girlfriend. He'd started to look right thru me. The production manager was there, but the girlfriend was pretty invisible. It's just a strange feeling to go from being connected all the time and rather goofy and giggly to something that felt so..... opposite of that. I had so much work to do tho.. so I tried to let go of that moment and get started on what I needed to get done.

The painting finished, I began other errands: a food run for the crew, another one to deal with the bitchy waitress when the food was wrong, back down the street to the drug store for double stick tape and barrettes for the costume designer and three outlet plugs for the lighting designer, and by 6:30 I started to hit my wall. He and I weren't able to engage the other because we had separate jobs to do so I felt like I was on my own a lot. Then exhaustion or a food coma started setting in. When we couldn't find the new box of drywall nails I needed to finish hanging the rest of the art, I thought it was a good time for air and coffee. So off I went to get both and not a minute out the door, the sad started to sink in.

The last couple of weeks had been difficult and emotional. Therapy has been bringing up all these self-esteem issues or maybe it was just Life causing these things to rear up in every aspect of where I've placed myself - the band, the theatre, work, home and the lovelife. I'm trying to tackle these things head on and it's hard seeing what's positive in that, but I've heard myself say I'm sorry a lot, I've felt so many times like I couldn't do anything right and everything seemed harder than it needed to be. Align the timing of pms into the mix as well, which always makes everything more fun and you can probably see I was driving myself a bit crazy.

Until the last week before tech, it wasn't really affecting my relationship with the Boyfriend, but he became so focused on what still needed to happen with the play that I felt a disconnection from the times when even if we were slammed all day, we connected by the end of it and I felt secure. You have to keep in mind my past relationships? Um.. fed on insecurity so sometimes I just expect Boyfriend to change his mind - hell, I had dreams about it for the first month we were together. So because he needed a little space and needed to direct his attention to his project, I started to feel overlooked and then dismissed to my own place at night. I just felt so separate of him - which shouldn't be a bad thing, we're separate people.. but he did sort of put the relationship aside for the play and my feelings were hurt by that.

I know the novelty of someone new wears off. I know you move into something more comfortable, where the butterflies relax, the excitement takes a backseat to the priorities the new person had distracted you from at the beginning and things find a better balance. And you might discover you do have to work at some things now that you're done coasting.. and that's ok. I just wasn't prepared for the 180 I felt in the level of his affections. The theatre requires our attention, his certainly more than mine, even tho I'm there a lot but shockingly, that threesome isn't nearly as sexy as I thought it might be. It's a lot of work walking that line between the relationship of girlfriend/boyfriend and the one of executive director/production manager when the latter one trumps the former during crunch time and continues sometimes after we've left the theatre.

Honestly.. I just missed him. Duh.

The coffee I'd grabbed earlier was truly my second wind. It also helped me to refocus and I wasn't feeling as sad so I chalked most of it up to being tired. I'd finished the painting in the cabaret, got all the art hung, then went on to spot paint inside the theatre, helped with set dressing some key pieces when I saw some details that could look better, and patted myself on the back when an idea worked. It felt good to be apart of the crew, to make things happen, and be part of the creative process that would make a difference in the look and/or feel of the show. I made a difference. And I just wanted my boyfriend to notice.

It felt like we were going to go the whole weekend without a real moment between us, but I couldn't say anything without being the clingy girlfriend. I needed to be supportive. I can't imagine the pressure of being the director not to mention already being the executive director of the theatre and needing this play to generate a decent revenue so we can make a dent in the construction debt over our heads.

So I forced a moment - all Boyfriend's pressure aside - when I threw a pillow at him while he was taking a five minute nap on a set piece. He didn't like my kiss so he got the pillow.. and that did the trick. He came over to where I'd gone back to painting, looked me right in the eye rather wickedly and kissed me.. I may have melted a little. It was all I needed.. that little connection. And he did it a few more times during the night, letting me know how proud he was of all the work I'd done, what I'd helped to create. It made all the difference.

But it didn't last. I couldn't carry that feeling thru the next three days of dress rehearsals and getting last minute things done because I was on my own for most of them. It didn't help he lost his cell phone for two days so I thought he was ignoring my texts when he never got them. All I wanted was just a few minutes each day with him that belonged to us and that weren't part of getting the production on its feet. It didn't seem so out there, but I didn't feel I could ask either. I kept thinking that the play was going to open and his focus wasn't going to shift back. It was freaking me out and I finally had to tell him what I was going thru, how much it was building in me.. so much that I concluded he probably wasn't in love with me anymore.. and I was really lonely. Of course, he was sweetly receptive and quickly reassured me and tho I didn't get any more time with him because of it, I at least felt heard. And better. And the clouds parted and the angels sang and Thursday, on opening night, about three minutes before we shut the doors to the audience and dimmed the lights, he looked at me.. really looked at me for the first time in a week and smiled. I might've smiled back.. and maybe stopped freaking out.

We still have some balance to find when we're doing projects like this and some understanding to reach within both our roles in the theatre because the romantic relationship complicates things. I also maybe don't have any patience either. Ahh.. I think we'll get there.. We're at the second week of the show and we've had quite a few awesome reviews and one pretentiously bitter one, which we ignored anyway. I'm a proud mama of this production so if you're local.. seriously, come see it. I promise, that the last two weeks of my personal angst is worth how good this show is. After all that, it'd better be.

A Stranger To Myself

Wow.. it's getting really bad when your stats tell you that only 11 people have read your blog in the last week. ELEVEN. One of which is your roommate. AND October is half over practically and I've barely written a stitch. You guys - I'm so busy and so tired.. sleep is also something I'd like to get back to.. I mean, with this much time that's passed, there's just so much to write about and trying to find the right moment when I have that time and when the creative energy is just flowing? Yeah.. when is that? Between all the debate-watching and Republican-mocking I have to do plus actual begging of items and props for Arabian Nights that's opening next week and dreading the actual midnight-thirty tech that starts Saturday - God help me - and all the going back and forth to Boyfriend's with 23 bags of personal belongings.. are you exhausted yet from just hearing about it? There's also trying to fit in actual working out, which is actually happening so that makes me feel better about the pizza I devoured last night.. and trying to make time to work new songs with the band - when we actually have practice.....

Not to mention, my french press is at the Boyfriend's currently.. along w/ my favorite coffee.. Also, I'm not there. Thank God for Starbucks cards sometimes.. that's all I have to say.

That's it for today.. short lesson. Moral is: Take time to smell the roses.. or in my case, find time for sleep and solace. Or just sleep. Whatever. Doesn't have the same ring, but you get the gist. Yawwwwwwwwwwwn..

Also.. in like four weeks, it's my birthday! I'm gonna be 37! Wtf? How the hell did that even get close to happening?! Good thing I still look like I'm 23.. or 26.. or whatever.. I look alright either way.

Ok - I'm going back to wishing I'd grabbed the french press from Boyfriend's and trying to get out of here so I have time to stop at Starbucks and make good use of their card burning a hole in my pocket before I get to work..

Wake up everyone! Mwah!

Pulling Out That Negative Thread

I know I'm supposed to be writing you all about my adventures that I had for a week in the middle of a dried up lake bed in Nevada with my friends and roughly 50,000 other strangers, but life has been happening since I've been back and that might have to be discussed first. Also because the day to day of Burning Man I blabbered all over my Mac in a looong love letter to the Boyfriend, it has to be edited. Lots of work to be done still.

Til then, let's talk about coming back.

Life was more of the same this time than upon my return last year. I have to say, my re-entry to normalcy and a mostly dust-free environment was slightly disappointing. First of all, I was less tan. Wtf? I don't think I was out as often or for as long this year. Or maybe I had better sunscreen. Damn! And last year I came back with this Zen-like high of calmness that I rode for weeks. This time, that feeling was barely noticeable. I'm not sure why the difference. But beyond spending basically three days straight with the Boyfriend where we barely left his apartment, I came back to who I was before I'd left rather than a shinier, more advanced version of myself.

How do I explain? I dunno.. I think it was all the sun I absorbed last year - and some of it had to do with having no shade structure whatsoever til like day three, which = not smart and hi - old lady wrinkles by 40.. uh uh. Yet, that's my guess and it was a really good thing. Hi, I live in Seattle. According to movies made in the 90s, it rains nine months out of the year here and they don't lie. Sun and all its glory make all the difference in your outlook if you can find a way to get the percentage you're sorely lacking during the rest of the time you're being soaked by drizzley weather in just the one or two vacations you get a year! Phew!

Last year, for weeks, nothing bothered me, work was smooth, I was.. ahh.. peaceful. It was this odd feeling that I welcomed completely because it'd washed over me without me even noticing.. a happiness as well as this easy confidence. One of my friends said I would certainly come down from it, which was odd to me because I felt 'down', not high up and out of control. I was grounded and calm.

Eventually, my ocd-caffeinated-yappy-chihuahua self came back, but it was a slow conversion. When I did see my evolved twin had gone, I missed her and looked forward to the next trip when I might find her again.

But she didn't come back in the same way. She wasn't missing, but she wasn't as obvious and she didn't linger. I'm not sure if I crowded her in with the company of the Boyfriend and I during our reunioning and that sent her away more quickly or what. But I have to admit, for a little while after I returned.. like um.. two weeks, I could barely be without him. I think I was trying to suffocate that ache I felt for a week of no contact, no emails, no texts, no calls.. and yes, I know you're groaning over there with disgust. And I'll admit to being 'that girl'.. but show me another person who can be around me as close to 24/7 as you can get for 2.5 months straight without once being annoyed or loving me any less or freaking out cuz he doesn't know what he wants.. because y'all know he's a fucking miracle.. right? So yeah, I maybe missed him a whole freakin lot.

All joking aside, I would kill to have that Burning Man joy and warmth still going within me because something pretty yucky has developed and maybe that's why Miss D version 2.0 made her getaway so quickly.

That vicious little child who lives inside me - who came out earlier this year at work when I was pushed to an edge I couldn't come back from - seems to be raising her ugly head again. I kept thinking it was a personality conflict when it started here at work then and I do think in that situation that was partially true. But I have these reactions - not sure what it's from or if it's 'fight or flight' and therefore I'm the girl who usually fights - but whatever it is, it's not good. They're not calm, they're not positive, they're hurtful and angry, full of resentment and a lack of explanation as to why I can't say one of oh.. 85 other things and in a much calmer and supportive way. It's ugly. I feel very Jekyl and Hyde and become this very frustrated monster.

This time it seems like I have more of an idea of what it is - I feel marginalized, I feel left out, not important enough, valued enough, not included. I have no idea why I feel these things though and no idea why my reactions are so excessive to the point of hurting others, causing scenes and conflict and overwhelming tension.. not to mention, really making no sense when I try to explain why I feel these things and/or what caused it.

I have an appointment to continue my counseling tomorrow. I'm trying not to expect too much because it can move slower than I'd like it to, but I just want to fix this before I leave a slew of damaged relationships in my wake. I'm lucky at this moment it's not affecting work because I feel more reserved there, as if I learned that lesson. But I take the freedom I have outside of my office for granted - and that I can just say whatever I want to others because of that freedom. That's not the case. That's arrogance. And it's not fair to others around me - to Shine, to Jake, to the band.. So far Shine and the band have taken the brunt of it. But there was even some crabbiness on the way home from Burning Man with my friends in that crew, which I thought was just all of us pushing ourselves to exhaustion. I don't know if any of that is what it is - I just know it's happening too often. And discussing it with Jake makes me scared it will bleed over to that relationship as well if I'm not careful. Even if it doesn't, why would he want to be with someone who beyond the drama, creates exhausting and destructive situations that are possibly unforgivable? You can't continue to think an apology for those kinds of things will wipe the slate clean. People lose patience. I might still be a good person.. but I might be a good person who needs a lot more counseling before she becomes a full-fledged abuser of some sort. I don't know.. is that extreme to think so? And if so, am I so off-base? I have no idea. It's just what's going thru my mind.

Whatever the cause, it's inexcuseable and I'm terribly ashamed. I don't know when that feeling has been so acute before but I think it's getting the message across clearly that I need to take serious preventative measures in my behavior before I do or say something that's irreparable. Tho to be honest, I'm not sure I haven't done that already..

Oh to acknowledge your own hubris as a human being is extremely humbling. I only hope I can make these changes swiftly and completely so those who love me don't lose their patience or their faith in me.. I don't want to continue to let them down. I don't want to continue to let myself down. I don't recognize this person. I shouldn't need a vacation to bring back a sense of evolution and growth. It should come from within me. Wish me luck in finding it.. soon.

What's The Story Morning Glory?

Alright bitches my people.. I'm back. I've been back, yes, I know.. however, holy crap it's taken me a long time to recover and clean up and yes, I'll admit, the boyfriend and I have pretty much been glued at the hip since I've come home.

Love. Whaddya do?

Well.. that's private. So there.. but I'VE MISSED YOU GUYS! I need to get some writing done soon and I will I promise! There will be pictures and funny stories and more pictures.. and I'm at a good place finally to make a little time to accomplish this.. so if you could just bear with me a little teensy bit longer, the three of you who haven't given up on me, I will not let you down.

Hang in there.. be back soon! xo

Tripping The Life Fandango

Don't you wish some weekends could go on forever? That you could find that elusive Independent Wealth and spend your time traveling with your fantastic boyfriend to exotic lands and lazing on beautiful beaches or hiking thru foreign countries with only what to have for dinner as the biggest problem you might encounter because there are just too many choices and too many wonderful people you've met who want to bring you back to their home in that quaint Tuscan or French village where you dine at a long table filled with breads, wines, cheeses and more food than you could imagine.. "Ah.. yes," you say.. "I do wish this," or maybe that's just me and my extended day-dreaming. So there was no French/Tuscan-type village, but there was a mountainy sort of western town. I mean.. it'll do.

There was hiking, there was family met, sooo much wine and many a scrabble game won and lost as well over the Meet-The-Family Weekend. The verdict? Um.. I fit right in, surprisingly to me! I'm good with parents usually, but there can be some sense of formality that might relax over time. Jake's family was comfortable to be around almost immediately tho. It was easy. Well.. the hike wasn't easy for me.. I did it, I'm just not used to oh.. eight miles in the mountains. Whereas Jake ran the last mile..... Ran. Hi. Overachieve much? God.

The drive up and back gave us lots of time to talk and joke around and just be together. With both of our crazy schedules, having a 3 1/2 hour drive each way to be in each other's company seemed like a luxury. And what I really like about us is that same comfort and ease I just mentioned is our biggest asset. We don't work at this relationship - at least not yet.. and maybe that point will come, but right now it just feels good all the time to be apart of something that at its core and foundation is a strong feeling of stability. No matter what happens around it, it still remains intact. It's so satisfying.. that feeling. It's so nice not to have to guess with him. He isn't thrown by anything and he rarely, if ever, gets upset and never at me.. It still feels too good to be true, but I've stopped pinching myself because I know how real it is now and I just smile. A lot..

The only time that weekend we weren't smiling was when we were both green from the windy drive. It had both of us craving ibuprofen and gingerale no matter who drove or who was the more unlucky passenger. He was a little crushed when I mentioned I get that way on boats too.. not to mention I don't have to even be on a boat to get that way. At a restaurant once whose bar is downstairs at water level, I got extremely ill because the water rippling right by the window made it look like we were moving.. and swaying.. and oh God.. I'm green just thinking about it. Yeah.. he looked at me that same way you're looking at me now. I know.. it's weird. Shut up.

The only hiccup of the whole trip is that because I had no cell service, I'd missed a call from Mom the night we arrived telling me they'd taken my step-dad to the hospital because he'd basically turned yellow. I got the message that Sunday, two days later, while we were in 'town', which means 'has cell coverage', with Jake's family and getting ready to sit down to a lovely dinner.

I felt a rush of guilt and worry for missing the call, but Mom said there wasn't much to tell me because the doctors didn't seem to know anything. More tests would happen during the week on Monday. This would also delay any prostate operation that was to happen that week til this issue cleared up. But since then, the issue hasn't really cleared up and instead, upon further not-so-fun investigative tests with a fancy somethingorother that was inserted down my step-dad's throat to check out and biopsy his liver, they found a small tumor.

He's apparently looking less yellow, which you know.. yay.. but we won't know the results of the biopsy til this week.. and depending on what's found out there, then consulations and other meetings between the smartypants doctors and my family will be scheduled and discussed and I'm not even going to be here because I'll be on my way or at Burning Man and also, completely out of range for more updates. And y'all know I'm worried because.. well.. I'm me. And it would be nice not to have to watch my mom go thru this again because she's been happier than I've ever known her to be and you know what else? Ick.

When I sat back down for dinner with Jake's family and didn't have much news, his mom looked at me and very sweetly said, "It'll be ok," which was just nice to hear outloud and made me feel better. It reminded me of Jake because he says that all the time to me, but he locks eyes with me when he does it. It just feels good, that focus, and it settles my nerves. The man has some amazing mojo.

So let me just tell you my schedule this week to see if you get a teensy idea of the crazy my life will be in the next six days:

Monday (today)
8:30am to 5:30pm: Work.. yawwn..
5:31 t0 6:15pm: Run home and feed Ms. Emma and Shine's dog, Moo, while she's out of town til Wednesday.
6:30pm to 10pm: Tech rehearsal (cue to cue and run thru today) and hope all sound issues with cd player can be fixed.
Sometime non-specified: Call Mom, mail band studio rent check, get cat litter (seriously).
After 10pm at minimum: See boyfriend sometime for maybe an hour before I pass out.

Tuesday
8:30am to 5:30pm: Work - same shit, different day.
5:31 t0 6:15pm: Run home to feed dog/cat. Convince dog her three min walk is much longer than it actually is.
6:30pm to 10pm: Tech rehearsal (dress and run thru).
Between all those times: Try not to worry about Mom and Step-Dad, see if I can bag out of dress rehearsal due to MASSIVE amounts of errands for Burning Man I have to run, wish that Target could stay open til 11pm for special people like me if not able to bag said rehearsal.
After tech: Begin to stress out a little and vent to calm boyfriend who is probably only pretending to listen while half asleep.

Wednesday
8:30am to 5:30pm: Worky worky work.
5:31 t0 6:15pm: Run home to feed cat/dog (man they're demandy).
6:30 to 10pm: Final dress rehearsal with audience (ACK!) and attempt run thru at 7pm.
At some point between when not stressed (right): Check in with Mom.
After 10pm or later: See boyfriend after rehearsal and try to have real conversation, but fall asleep mid-sentence.

Thursday
8:30am to 5:30pm: Blahblahworkblah.
After work: Roommate back and feeding dog/cat because I'm house managing opening night!
6-ish to 10pm: Hope show goes well and cross fingers I don't mess up cash box or something else kind of important, let the fact that I leave for Burning Man in three days start to sink in.
After show/1opm: Try not to cry on boyfriend's shoulder because really.. that's just silly.

Friday
7:30am to 5pm: Work til 5 due to God-forsaken early 7:30am mandatory meeting.
5:01pm: Thank God it's Friday.
5:30pm: Run to Trader Joe's to pick up snacks for gala at end of show.
6:30pm: Set up said snacks, house manage again, run thru all the things in my head I still need and haven't yet taken care of that I have only tomorrow to do because hi - LAST DAY TIL I LEAVE (and last day with boyfriend for eight stupid non-communicative days - no crying! I am a rock!), show show show.
After show/10pm: See boyfriend, tears not shed (if I can help it).

Saturday:
7:50am: Sleepily kiss boyfriend goodbye as he has class (on Saturdays??) at 8am and wish we could sleep in together.
7:51am: Pout.
7:53am: Maybe go back to sleep but then freak out because I still have so much to do.
8:30am til um.. done: Do all those errands I was freaking out about, pack, take as much of said packing to friend's place wayyy across town to get things in order in the RV before we leave at Crack Of Ass Dawn tomorrow, figure out what else I have yet to do - do it.
6pm til none of your business: Meet up with exhausted boyfriend after he's napped and had shower after class and figure out plans for our last evening together before trip, probably cry.. definitely have sex.

Sunday:
7:30am: Delay leaving house til last possible minute so I can have as much time with boyfriend as I can and say goodbye like in those Big Red commercials.
7:44am: Wimper.
7:45am: Head to Paul's house & chin up thru wimpering.
8:10am: Finish last minute details of packing, verify everyone has tickets, and finally - Leave for Burning Man!

Is it just me or doesn't that seem like a lot to pack in? And I still don't know if I'm going to make it to every store I need to get to, not to mention that I must think money is just coming out my ass because wow I'm spending it uber fast and in large quantities and still have so many things left to to get. I know it'll all work out, I know Jake and I will not die being apart (I know, you're shocked), the show will go swimmingly and I will think positively for my step-dad because I just have to.

Planning and taking this crazy, bohemian trip, allowing myself to feel loved in a very happy and growing relationship with this incredible guy, rocking out occasionally with the band and challenging myself with my new position in the theatre are all signs I'm living as much as possible.. Even if I had laurels, I wouldn't have time to sit on them! I'm kind of proud of myself.

I'll post if I can just prior to leaving. I know last year I had Treena and Indy sub in for me and they were completely amazing and way awesomer than me. I didn't have time to secure anyone this year, so I hope you can wait eight days plus some recovery and boyfriend isolation time and that it's not too terribly long for you. Do read up on Miss Doxie since she's back and cuter than ever and there's also Mimi Smartypants who makes me laugh long time. She's right up there as funniest blogger ever. My own close and personal friends I highly recommend in addition to Indy and Treena: Shine, Eight, Kari, and my favorite little brit, Léonie. I think you have plenty of reading to do now so no excuses on being bored.. you hear me? I'll miss you all madly!! Mwah!

Cross Your Fingers They Like Me..

Ok you guys.. it's time for a list instead of a real post.. even if this list isn't going to be so bullet pointy, but more paragraphs following bullets.. or.. something to that effect.. I'm sleepy, it's late, I haven't packed, and I'm trying not to be nervous, so this is what you get.

* I'm meeting Jake's parents. Tomorrow night. Hi. I haven't met 'parents' of a boyfriend in oh.. years. I haven't had a boyfriend who had parents in at least that long.. Wtf.. ? No, I'm not nervous at all. Not in the slightest. Even tho I will totally trip walking over to shake their hands or something. You wait. I'll bet you a dollar. They'll think I've been drinking. On the road no less! Awesome. Let's hope there's wine there. Then I can really embarrass myself. Wait.. we're bringing three bottles.. right. Drunken shiksa impression already insured!

* Oh.. did I mention they're Jewish? No? Yeah.. they are. I'm.. not. Apparently, they don't care and I'm currently without a religion at this time. I told him to tell them I always wanted to be Jewish.. Seriously, I have. I don't know why.. Eight presents for Hanukkah maybe? No. Bad answer.. bad (I had to spellcheck Hannukkah.. see? I've already disqualified myself. I'd make a horrible Jew. Crap.).

* I did say I haven't packed. I'm sitting here at my kitchen table, typing this post for you, my FIVE lovely readers, no packing has been done - minus a point - two loads of laundry have tho - extra points - the bed hasn't been made - minus one point - So You Think You Can Dance is on pause because I can't concentrate on packing or blogging if it's playing - moot point for that - Damn. How many points is that? -54? See.. I'm going to overpack and look like one of 'those' girls when I arrive at their cabin away from the city and amidst trees and rocks and woodland creatures and with only one pair of shorts (Dude.. Seattle's expensive ok? And summer is practically over..) and who knows what else.. my bra straps hanging out probably. But maybe as long as I bring my hiking boots and a bottle of ibuprofen (I hear the 6-7 mile trail is all uphill... oh.. yay.. *wimper*), I'll be ok.. and if I say that enough, maybe I'll start to believe it..

* He met my parents last weekend, which I know I forgot to tell you. Met them at the casino. Let me just explain: My mom and my step-dad met at a casino. Six weeks later, they were engaged. I guess it seemed fitting... I walked in and was STRUCK DOWN I tell you with the sheer power of second-hand smoke. Holy mother of all that is good and holy.. HOW do you people BREATHE in a place like that?! You'd think it would be filtered out. You'd think your NON-SMOKING ROOM would NOT smell of it.. but funny thing about cigarette smoke - yeah, it doesn't read those signs. It goes wherever it wants to. So while the parents were gambling (til 4am, thank you!), I got ready for bed and was overcome with that smell while brushing my teeth. It was like someone was sitting on the counter with a lit cigarette and blowing the smoke IN my face. Nasty.

* Jake was a peach tho and drove all the way down to Tacoma to meet us there, gawked at the people who frequented this casino (as we were leaving later that night, we saw two girls out in the parking lot getting ready to go in - and by 'getting ready' I mean one literally had curlers in her hair that the other was hairspraying and taking out. Um.. in the parking lot. Ew.) and he had the same look I did when he first walked in after the Smell Of Cancer engulfed him. But we took my parents far, far away from there and out to dinner on the water in Point Defiance and they loved it. They loved him.. The night was beautiful. They called me the next day just to tell me how great they thought he was. He even said how 'laid-back' and 'easy-going' my family is. Hm.. I guess they are. I never thought of that. Makes me wonder where I get this control-freak, slightly OCD personality.. No one would call me laid back.. ever. I think I was jipped.

* In the meantime, I've been busy trying to coordinate the next show of Balagan's season, Arabian Nights, because getting a jump on arranging my crew would be ideal. Jake is directing and I wanted to be a little more organized and ahead of schedule since Burning Man will eat up a good week of plan time. Eight's agreed to be our stage manager, our friend Elvis, who also worked the Erotic Art Festival gala with Eight and I, is going to be our sound designer and I roped in another friend of mine, James, to do original music and help design since he plays fancy and funky Indian and Persian-y type instruments, which will set the mood perfectly. I secured a costume designer and someone to coordinate audition nights too! I'm seriously getting a handle on this production manager business, I tell you.. I kind of rocked today.

* And while I'm giving out some acknowledgment for rocking right now.. I want to mention how my very sweet boyfriend casually mentioned yesterday after rolling in from his scheduled massage that he'd bought me one too. Like.. for no reason - or just because I said I was jealous when he said he was off to his appointment, which he really needed. But my POINT is that hi. It's a massage.. as in mmmmm.. and it feels SO nice.. and the place was amazing and there was soft lighting and comfy rooms and a great practitioner and I was high for like half an hour afterwards because it was AN HOUR.. I mean, the man even TIPPED her ahead of time. It was fantastic, this gift he gave me. Just because. How much does that NOT suck? Ahh.. the man Rocks. My. World.

* Ok.. he's going to kill me when he gets here, ruining all the benefits of said gifted massage, because I haven't packed a thing so I best be getting to it yo.

Hope you all have a fabulous weekend! Wish me luck!! Mwah!

Mixed Tape

Ok.. I'll admit that I think I've turned into one of those girls that somewhat just about completely disappears when she has a boyfriend. In my defense, I'm trying to keep up with my friends via some form of communication like text or email and thank God Mom calls me or I might forget that too because Jake and I clearly only have eyes for each other right now. I'm still making band practice and all the theatre meetings that he's not even in so responsibilities aren't being shirked in any way.. but we both count the hours, minutes.. whatever is left, which sometimes seems like an unbelievable amount of time before we can be together again.

I told you we were gross.. ok? You were warned.. Oh, don't give me that look..

The other thing I've turned into? One of those girls who celebrates 1st month anniversaries.. which, yes.. I'm aware one month does not an anniversary make.. but I don't care. Have we not discussed how long it's been since I've had a boyfriend? You're not new, right? We haven't just met? Because I should be allowed to revel in something that feels this special, that I know already is going to last longer than this first, second and - tho I can barely believe it - even third month. We both know. Time isn't something I'm worried about, however, I still want to be able to acknowledge its passing because.. you know.. it just makes me feel good. I'm frickin ecstatic..

I think I've also had a difficult time talking about anything that's happened outside of Jake and me, which is ridiculous that my world is skewed so much. In our second week together, I welcomed my friend, Jedi, into town as my Foo Fighters concert date. I'd had tickets for months and we were not in the least bit disappointed. He took me to dinner and we caught up about our lives and our significant others (now that it seemed I might actually have one) and then we enjoyed one of the best concerts EVER. Yeah.. Dave Grohl is on my list - my Awesome Rockstars/Celebrities I Wouldn't Kick Out Of Bed For Eating Crackers list.. but not really because I think he's all that hot.. more because he's as cool as all get out.. I don't have a Cool As All Get Out list tho.. but if I did, Dave couldn't be at the top of that because there are just too many people in Real Life I know who would be ahead of him - like Jake would probably take the first five spots because I'm gross like I've previsiously mentioned.. and Shine and Eight and some other people.. but besides, Dave has his own list he's at the top of. He should be happy enough with that. But thanks to Jedi for hanging out with me!

So what's the next step you ask? Tho possibly meeting the folks is right around the corner.. and actually, it is.. that isn't next. No no no.. let's not get out of order here even tho yes, 'madly in love' barely cuts it and all the falling to get there happened rather quickly - but you just know sometimes.. 'you know like you know a good melon'.. (extra points if you know what movie that's from) - but no.. that isn't the next step. It's that very sweet gesture of pure twitterpation.. that simple need bursting from your heart to make your new love a mixed tape - or the cd equivelant thereof..

I hear you saying, 'Yes! I know that feeling exactly!' Or maybe that's just the sound of many of you gagging.... whatever, close enough. The maple-syrupy cute is running over us pretty constantly so that's where we are. Not going to apologize for it.. no way.

He was done first.. and being a fancy marketing type of guy, it's gorgeous. The cd itself has a label on it, something I can't make like.. ever.. because I can type, ok? I own a Mac, yes.. but that's the extent of my technical knowledge right there.. those TWO things. Beyond that, my eyes glaze over and all I hear is 'blahblahblah' when you try to explain it.

Anyway, back to my mixed tape. So he gave it to me the other night and I was ever so swoony because he couldn't have been sweeter.. but I was a little shocked because he put a picture of me from last year's birthday on the front cover. It's an incredibly cheesy ass smile.. and ew, I don't want to look at myself all day and he looked at me like I was crazy and he didn't get that at all, which you know.. cute.. And the cd has this pretty label with a red artsy design for the background.. and all the song titles and artists are listed in a perfect circular fashion in white, but are prefaced by: 'For Angel (cuz she's awesome!)' and at the top center, above the titles, 'With Love.' And all the songs are supercute and I've been listening to it non-stop.

I'll be honest.. he'll be lucky if he gets one with a label at all and it doesn't have stick people on it drawn in smudged sharpie.. or it'll probably look more like a ransom note from a serial killer.. awesome. Either way, let's hope he thinks it's cute. I'm almost done with it, but paring down my choices right now. Does it count if you find the perfect song he should've given you but you give him instead? Are there rules for these sorts of things?! I've been out of it so long, I don't know! Crap.. I might have to save myself by wrapping it. If you don't know this, I'm one of the awesomest gift wrappers around.. I swear to God.. the things you don't know about me, people.. you have no idea. Cd crafting? Yeah.. not my forte.. but distraction with wrapping? Oh I'm ALL over it!

Part of the reason Jake and I feel so clingy right now besides being fairly new and in our cheese course/salad days, is that I leave for Burning Man at the end of the month. I know it's silly.. but when you spend every night together and a good portion of the weekends and still aren't getting tired of each other or even on each other's nerves a teensy bit, spending eight days and nights apart with no way to communicate once past Gerlach, NV is looking like we might both go a little insane with missing each other.

My perspective has changed regarding this event that I've looked forward to for most of the year I've been away from it. Where before I was really excited to get away and be welcomed 'home' as everyone does when you're in the entry line to Black Rock City, I'm more torn than I thought to leave because Jake doesn't get to experience it with me. The friends going with me who make up the four newbies are looking to me in my second year for guidance and together we've already decided who will cook most often, what we'll need to bring, etc. We're gearing up to teach Boz and Paul how to ride bikes prior to arrival (seriously, of all the people in the world who don't know how to ride a bicycle, how did we end up with two of them in our troupe?) and getting costumes and other fun things acquired. We're going to have a fantastic time together - that's certain - and I'm thrilled to be going with this particular group of friends. We know so many other burners now and have other friends in theme camps doing awesome things while there who've invited us over whenever we want. We've got our placement on the big clock and we'll be just below the Esplanade in the midst of all the action and thumping techno. I've no doubt this group will have an easier time acclamating themselves than Kat and I did last year.. but I have to admit that I'm also already thinking of how much I can't wait to be back home and in the arms of this beyond-amazing guy who I'm crazy about..

I'm really in love with all my latest adventures. I haven't been this happy in a really long time.. and it's not only a really nice change - it's calming. The band is coming together, the theatre is evolving, I'm looking for a new direction as far as the day to day employment, I'm off to the desert with really good people around me, and I've met someone who may very well qualify as being the love of my life. My heart is full and I'm content. For now, yeah.. I think that'll do.

The Nth Level Of Happy

So you know what I forgot for the second time in a row? My blog-versary. Hi. It was in April. Hellooo.. where the hell was I?! A mile-marker of THREE YEARS passes me by and I COMPLETELY forget til three months later? Wtf? Because all of you have been so incredibly sweet and supportive.. those of you who've stuck around and those of you who've even come and gone.. and those of you who are new. I love everyone of you and appreciate the stopping by and taking in all my ramblings because holy crap.. I can talk.. as you all know.

I love that you're all over the world in little smatterings, but I don't need 100 hits a day to feel like my writing is there for me, for you, for a little entertainment for everyone involved.. and to make it all worth it. It's my outlet.. and I try to share enough so you can know me and keep enough out so no one is hurt and there's some privacy for the necessary people and things. So thank you for coming by, thank you for your comments and I hope to see you all here in another three years at minimum.. unless of course, I get run over by a bus tomorrow.. then that could impede that process.. but other than that happening, I'm pretty sure I'll be around.

Yay! Happy Belated Blog-versary To Me!

*******************

The rest of my world couldn't be righter.. I mean, honestly, I don't remember the last time I was this crazy happy. Like, it's insane the amount of time I spend smiling and trying to calm the butterflies in my stomach that have seriously exponentially multiplied since I've been seeing Jake (The Director), my adorably sweet, sexy, funny, owns-his-own-theatre and fucking brilliant BOYFRIEND. That's right.. It's been EIGHT YEARS people, which, incidentally, is more than half the time I've even lived in Seattle thank you - stupid more-women-than-men-per-capita problem here.. God.

So it's awesome.. He's awesome.. like.. Rockstar Awesome, which is the best kind of awesome. And we're so frickin cute we're gross.. like that couple you see at Starbucks unable to stop kissing and giggling that you want to put out of your misery.. yeah.. that's us. We'll annoy you. We send 'I miss you's' in some form or another all frickin day - pictures we find, youtube videos.. I mean, he sent me this one the other day.. and there are little terms of endearment in extra small print at the end of our emails in various languages just to be extra cute and my heart gets all melty. Like there is just no way I can say that any of this sucks at all.

This last weekend, we had a pretty fantastic time of planning dinners together, wandering Pike Place Market like tourists, almost getting heatstroke on the deck while we had afternoon drinks (true story - he had to take care of me because I suddenly was so overheated and had no idea), going to game night at a friend's house where we won an outrageous amount of Twister, and I could feel that we were becoming more and more connected. Sunday was a bit stressful with theatre meetings amongst the company and the first production meeting for the first show of the season. There was a lot to do and when we finally made it back to his place to close out our evening, we knew, overall, not only had the whole weekend been really productive, but we'd had so much fun doing it.

Just before sleep, we have these moments where I think we both feel we can't get close enough to each other. And Sunday night, after this amazing weekend, that's where we were.. He'd already told me, in Japanese no less, that he was falling in love, but I couldn't say it. Or I couldn't look at him if I wanted to say that it was happening for me too. I told him over text that it was going to happen like any second.. and that night, not even realizing I had the voice to say it, I told him that I thought 'any second' had already passed - not that I could look at him while I said it.. But this man looked directly into my eyes and told me very sweetly that he'd already fallen for me completely........

And my whole world stopped for an entire minute.

I didn't breathe, I didn't even move because I didn't want that exact second to pass and be forgotten - when my heart grew about three sizes.

And then I realized he'd really said it - to me - and I buried my head into his shoulder and was somewhere between giggling and crying from being overwhelmed with that amount of simple happiness. I really couldn't believe it.. honestly, I still can't..

Did I mention he LOVES So You Think You Can Dance? AND musicals.. AND can play the guitar frickin beautifully?? The first time I think I stayed over with him, he pulled out the guitar and played whatever he was making up, which was lovely. When he was done, he took a moment, then broke into the beginning bars of John Mayer's 'Your Body Is A Wonderland' and I was like, "No No No.. c'mon now.." but was laughing the whole time and accusing him of blatant cheesiness, which he copped to. AAAAND he just lent me a gorgeous acoustic so I can finally learn how to play! YAY ME! Like seriously, the man is spoiling me.. HOW did I find him? I ask you.. because I have no idea. I think he's fucking magic..

So.. um.. you might want to prepare yourself for gushy posts.. tho I'm trying to keep from writing out too much saccharine.. but I mean, come on.. EIGHT YEEEAAARS people.. I think I deserve to be a little sugary, don't you think? Hee..

** I'd also like to give a big shout out to Fatima and Scott who share a birthday today. Happy birthday to the hottest mom I know.. and to the man with the pair of the most beautiful blue eyes I've ever seen. Happy all around! Mwah!

Don't Blink Or You'll Miss It

Alright.. FINALLY.. sheesh..

There is just so much going on I tell you.

No really.. I'll tell you.

First of all.. the weather is crazy. It was like 81 at night last week. The band studio? You don't even want to know.. it was like seventh-level-of-Hell hot in there. And when all the moving you have to do means standing there and singing.. how can you be sweaty doing that? I ask you.. how?! I don't know.. but you CAN because I. Was. Sweaty. Ugh. And then just before the 4th, in came the dark grey clouds and the clap of heavy thunder and this awesome lightening for TWO days with penny-sized hail! Seriously, I'm waiting for the swarm of locusts any minute..

I do love it when it's warm but I'd take 80 and a light breeze. Maximum. And maybe not working in a stuffy hotter-than-it-is-outside-because-the-air-conditioning-must-be-putting-out-
HEAT-instead-of-something-cooler-helloooo cubicle farm. Yeah.. that could help. Either way though, summer has finally arrived so yes, I'm happy because the energy in the city when we're not all melty feeling is a good thing. Everyone's in flip flops and tank tops, extra nice, and extra smiley. And the city is simply stunning at night from our roof. Sparkly and romantic.. ahh.

With sunny days comes the fact that pretty much everyone in the city is in heat. Men are flirtier because all the women are wearing less.. and it's like the spring we never had this year. It's about time because winter lasted for a century and just a couple of weeks ago it was like 45 degrees.. and it's just wrong to be wearing a sweater in the middle of June.

Some of that flirty chemistry has finally headed my direction. The Actor from last winter contacted me a couple of months ago. He was in a new show so I went with Yoda and we both thought it fantastic. We met up for drinks after he was free from that lengthy run and I was done with my shows at Balagan - and not surprisingly because sometimes I'm just clueless, I figured out well into it that it was a date and that didn't suck at all.

You need to know that I'm a sucker for a talented man.. especially a good actor or if he can play an instrument of some kind. Add in a wry and witty sense of humor and a little glint in his eyes and I'm finished.

I was drawn to The Actor's ease and his talent. He's sweet and funny, but he's more on the mellow side of that. I think last time I wasn't sure if he really 'got' me or my sense of humor. We were both a lot more relaxed this time around, but there was still the matter of matching schedules and things like that. For some reason, it just never seems to be the right timing for us because someone else walked right into that available space.

Always prone to the most complicated relationship I can find, this one would be no different. He's involved with the theatre I'm now the production manager for - which is already a pretty small company.. and well, he also might be 10 years younger than me. As if there wasn't enough drama involved on stage.. right? Oh you know this is how I roll.. I'm hip with the kids.. and I'm sure there's a six year limit either older or younger that I made for myself when I was thinking rationally and that was my boundary.. but I simply can't be held to hard and fast rules when he's cute and funny and is flirting with me. Also, when there's alcohol.

Pretty quickly after I started stage managing the last two shows, we hit it off and had an easy rapport, always joking around and texting about our evenings. I was living a bit vicariously thru him since his dating life seemed a lot more exciting than mine and I caught myself a few times thinking it was good he was dating someone because I felt a little drawn to him - and I also noticed he would send texts much later than he should.

A week before the fourth, the plan was to meet up and work.. and by work I mean have tapas and drinks during happy hour while creating the guidelines for my position of production manager at the theatre. It'd been a long week at work, stressful and frustrating with reviews coming up and some emotional issues with my friend's father passing away. By Friday, I was beyond ready to relax and release all the negative that'd built up over a pitcher of sangria and what I assumed would be a few laughs with him, The Director (neither of us could think of anything better.. so that nickname will have to do).

There was an extended plan with Boz who was meeting me after all this 'work' to hit the party thrown by The Director's ex, also part of the theatre.. we'll call her Red. I adore her and we get along well. She and The Director seem to have a very healthy friendship for being exes and owning a theatre company together. Not an easy task.

So... almost three hours later, the entire pitcher of sangria gone, along with two more cocktails for each of us, and the job description done in all of 20 minutes, The Director and I were acting like a pair of crushing high school kids. I mean, Boz arrived and tho he was great and I love hanging out with him.. wow did it get awkward fast.

The Director and I said goodbyes and that we'd meet later at the party and the first thing Boz said when we were alone was that he'd bow out if I wanted to pursue other plans because he and I aren't bound to each other that way anymore.. I declined his kind offer and he came to the party with me anyway.. more awkwardy times ensued and The Director told me later he was actually a bit jealous, which surprised us both..

Over texts the next day we admitted to what was going on the evening before and made plans to meet up and discuss it that night.. again over drinks and food and how I didn't see those as groundwork of a first date, I don't know. Sometimes I'm incredibly daft.. honestly.

It was just like the night before tho.. easy and fun, we laughed the whole time, even when we brought up the seriousness of dating within the company and how others would react.. but you can only worry about others so much.. and I can't let questionable opinions deter me from seeing where something might go with someone I genuinely like.. and who, shockingly, likes me just as much.

So um.. I'm kind of smitten. And you know what? So is he. How awesome is that?! So. That's how awesome. Hee.

In other news, my little Lulu just turned two years old.. and I had the best time at her birthday party yesterday.. She couldn't be cuter and her new little brother is getting quite adorable too. Fatima is the most stunningly beautiful mother in the history of mothers.. I mean.. she just is and her husband can cook, can anesthetize someone, can build things, can landscape.. I mean, there is just no stopping him. They're a pretty damn cute family and I'm sending my little niece the best wishes for her second year in this world. Don't you want to see the world with this much joy? I wish time didn't fly by so fast so we could all take the time to feel this kind of happy.. Wishing all of you that right this minute!

Sunny Days

I know I need to keep up here.. and I've done a crappy job of it lately.. but holy cow you guys.. it's 85 here and days like today don't make me want to stay in and write - tho I am cleaning and getting some errands done.

Miss Shine's family comes in this afternoon so I will officially get to meet Mama Shine, which I'm very excited about. I think I have a date later.. kind of.. I mean, men are strange when the sun comes out.. and I'm writing a post about my blog-versary that I frickin missed again! I'm retarded.. BUT.. I'm happy right now.. at this minute.. and I like that. 

There's so much to discuss.. some great: I'm the new production manager for the Balagan Theatre! And some crushing: my friend Abby's father had become seriously ill in a very short time and passed away unexpectedly this last week.. Girl I'm sending you all my strength and love right now.. sigh... 

So for the rest of you.. get out there and enjoy this gorgeous weekend. Have a popsicle! Life is short you know.. now shoo!

Breathing It Out

I used to run for an hour on this perfect route I had around Ashland when I was in college. My favorite was coming out of my afternoon classes into a rainy evening and actually looking forward to a run where I would get completely soaked. It was hard. I'm not a runner. I'm pigeon-toed from the right hip especially, but it was something I got into and started to feel I needed.

A couple of years ago my lower back began to hurt when I would lay down or get up in the morning. As time progressed, I eventually couldn't touch my toes without pain and I was starting to have these very quick but frightening back spasms that literally had me on the floor when they would occur. My acupuncturist I started to see regularly knew it wasn't from any trauma, but just living life. Pretty simple, but unnerving as well. I had to stop running and certain other exercises that used my back. I couldn't even run down the block if I was late to anything, which we all know is often.

After about a year of treatment, I stopped last fall and the pain hasn't returned. I felt sure enough to start running again recently and tho I run for a lot less time than I ever did, I think overall it's still working for me. I don't think this body is made for that kind of exertion on the joints and I'll never win any races, that's for sure.. which is just fine with me.

If you've ever done any kind of running for exercise you know that feeling after you're done. I don't think it's just me who feels like I'm mentally clearer, my eye sight seems sharper, if I sing in the car on the way home, my voice is brighter and stronger. I feel whatever stress has lived in my day was left behind in the last mile, the last stretch of pushing myself to complete exhaustion and poof! Vanished like that. I tingle. I feel the air on my skin. I'm tired, but alert, worn out, but exhilarated.

With work and life complications on my mind, the gym has been the place where I don't feel tied to anything. I'm in my own space, I only think of the minutes passed and the minutes left on the timer, the reps I've done or have left to do.. I try not to obsess about my body flaws and just envision feeling strong. I have a rhythm and a pace and I concentrate on my breathing and making sure the oxygen gets to every cell I can imagine it reaching.

Last night when I was there running out my day's concerns, I was fine until I reached the point I was done and began to stretch. I closed my eyes and tried to pull into all my muscles and stretched as long and as far as I could. But with my breath, my worries began to creep in alongside. My faults from the day, how I could've been a better person but chose not to be here and there, how I responded, what I said, did, and felt.. my discomfort regarding a particular relationship that isn't even something established and that I'm keeping at arm's length by choice.. all clamored down on me and I started to get emotional.

I felt very small.. I wanted to stretch my way into the smallest ball of a person I could and disappear into some sort of impossible invisibility. That dark place I'd discussed about being most of this year was trying to regain its footing and I didn't want to let it, but it's proving tenacious. So I let all the negative in and found more things to add to it. But then I did something that even surprised me: I asked forgiveness of myself.

I went down the list, eyes still closed and still breathing into each stretch and I thought of the last few difficult months that Shine has endured with me.. and then proceeded to recognize our most recent chat that could've escalated to frustration, but I found a calmer voice and more appropriate words than I had in the past and we had a very productive discussion that made us both feel better.

I thought of this very uncomfortable situation between the woman Boz is dating and myself and tho we do like each other as women, the weight of knowing each other as friends is too complicated for me to take on right now. The opportunity to get to know her and how great of a person she is matters, but at this time, it doesn't matter more than my own self-preservation and prevention of drama where all parties are concerned. I forgave myself for coming to a conclusion that may seem closed-minded, but is the best decision for me currently. I do hope at some point in the future that changes.

And as far as my work environment, I'm not always the best at relaying something out logically because the emotion can cloud it, however, I said what people would not say, I made valid points clearly, and tho they don't recognize my passion for what it is or even know why I feel it, they understand I'm integral to the company. I'm aware they feel that way, but I can also see that I feel wasted in ability and for who I am and that responsibility falls on me, not them, to do something about that eventually. I forgave myself for allowing my professional life to affect me negatively outside of work and decided I'd start working towards a serious change in that direction.

The things I focused on after that: I talked to my Canadian prince, Ali, and wished him a happy 33'rd birthday, reminding him how deeply I still loved him and felt the warmth of that velvety voice and the love he still feels for me wash over me. Shine offered her open-hearted wisdom, which I let sink in and gave me a much-needed hug before she called it a night. And I thought seriously about the discussion Eight and I had during the day about all these complications and wished him my love and gratitude for being supportive when I really needed guidance.

I felt very loved when I went to sleep and tried to send that energy back out to the Universe and to all the people in my life who accept me as I am - flawed, certainly, but not boring either.. Mostly I know they know how sincere I am in my efforts spent trying to be a better person all the time. I'm safe in that feeling.

I fell asleep worn out, but comforted. Emma snuggled up and purring and my last thought was damn.. that running thing is really good for me. Who knew?