That Which Doesn't Kill You..

It starts in my arms.. this sensation of needing to stretch, of being uncomfortable. It moves to my shoulders and neck and down my back til it feels like it's moved outside my body but surrounds me in an invisible, suffocating bubble. I feel trapped, claustrophobic.. walls aren't closing in, but I do feel enclosed in something I have no strength to get out of - and I start to shut down.

I never know when it's going to happen, it just does. Seems to be most often when someone asks how I am or virtually leans in too close because they genuinely want to know if I'm ok - because they can see I'm not. Something isn't right. Something is extra quiet about me and for someone self-described as something this side of a hyper chihuahua, an internal and silent storm is not something I know how to hide or control and for those who know me well or well enough, it's noticeable.

Four to five hours of sleep a night has become the norm. Proper sleep eludes me only because my need to move towards that action is prevented by a petulant will that avoids it as long as possible. I don't even bother to fight that inner child who refuses to be bossed around by Reason and Obligation because I'm so tired. Not just from lack of sleep either - from an effort to try to find this recently lost identity, to hold onto the fleeting comfort of being in my own skin, to replace my confidence derailed by a broken heart and even more so, a broken spirit.

After an evening away from work, I feel my old self coming back. I smile more, I hear support from friends and listen to their perspective. We move on to happier topics, dinner, theatre sports and I laugh like I haven't in a week. I go to brunch on a grey day and wander up to Orcas Island with a friend and the dog and no agenda at all but just to get out of the city. And I wonder how long this cloud will come and go and if the weight of humilation and discouragement will eventually lift.

I sat at my cube last Monday morning - which will most likely be the pattern for all the next Monday's and every weekday to come for a while - and I felt punched in the stomach. I started checking emails and I was reminded how I've been cut off at the knees. My peer is now my lead, hesitant as he was to take the position, but he wasn't really given a choice. The word 'temporary' was thrown around a lot, but no estimated timeframe provided for when I would be reinstated, if ever. And I didn't believe they even thought it was possible because I was told I should've known better.. it was common sense.. regardless of the changes made or the lack of training.

Am I really an angry person? Am I so completely out of line? Was I unprofessional? Do I even know how to be any sort of leader? And if there's so much I still have yet to work on, is this the right environment for me to do that with all its disorganization and changes still yet to be made? Should I just quit and chalk it up to doing the best I could, knowing I was set up to fail and also, admittedly, failed myself? I mean, is it unreasonable for them to expect me to maintain any sense of motivation after this or should I (and can I even) take this as a hard lesson learned, suck it up, and show them not only can I repair my failings, but I can change my tarnished image regardless of what I see as poor leadership on their part as well?

I'm not saying I'm blameless in this situation. I have a mountain of work to do. It's daunting really. I honestly don't know how to break it down, tho I know it's something behavioral that I learned growing up. Can I blame my family? Sometimes I do, but it's my focus to correct those teachings learned from dysfunction and an unhappy marriage. An angry father, a passive-aggressive mother, a struggle in me always needing to speak my mind and the constant battle between my father and I for who would have the last word because Mom probably already left the argument and wasn't speaking to at least one of us.

So in order to start really working to rid myself of my own personal demons, I started counseling. Does that sound better than therapy? I think it sounds less.. clinical maybe.. a little softer.. with more hugs involved or something. And I thought I would cry thru every session so far because I feel broken everywhere, which includes lots of self-pity wallowing, frustration over anything, mental and physical exhaustion from trying to watch what I say, fighting the urge to speak without thinking and acknowledging the powerlessness in my current position. But I just talked. And she listened. And lo and behold! She provided validation! Not that she let me off easy.. but I'm not the first person to make a mistake. Nor the last. And I'll certainly make more so hey, welcome to the human race.

I feel lighter after talking. I feel like I'm understanding better how to address my issues and what (or who) triggers them and then how to direct the emotional downpour that follows. AND why the hell those feelings erupt in the first place.

She's pointed out how I go back to the childish place where I learned all this behavior when I feel I'm grasping for some sense of right over wrong, success over failure, but more than that, just the overall survival - and we haven't even touched on my family yet. Still, I know exactly what she's talking about. I've taken the fight or flight instincts I developed from growing up and inserted them in my professional life where that family is just as dysfunctional and anything negative I inherited behaviorally isn't just heightened, it thrives in that type of high stress and constantly changing environment.

I'm putting all the effort I can into changing my perspective because right now I feel like I'm too sensitive.. an exposed nerve. But working to be positive and smiley actually takes all my strength. I'm exhausted by the end of every work day because it's hard work not to say something, to think about how I word everything, and just to sit still. It's hard to take when my boss motions to my co-worker with my former position and discusses things that he'll be taking care of. I'm a walking paper cut and walking in the door to my office feels like I just dove into a pool of lemon juice, especially when my normal actions are now at best overlooked in light of the change in roles.. and at worst, they're completely ignored. I feel like work broke up with me and we're trying to be friends. It's kind of heartbreaking.

I'm looking forward to a point where I can feel some sense of growth and release.. however, right now, it's not clear when that will be. Shine and I go straight into a move to a new apartment this weekend. I'm booked the next three nights to work another play and have whatever time I have left tonight and tomorrow after the shows and Saturday morning and afternoon to pack everything we own. We haven't even started. You can imagine the stress that's caused between us because Shine is the nicest and sweetest person on the planet and is not worried at all.. and well.. I'm both not so nice and stuck between extremes of freaking out and nervous wreck. When neither of those things work - and they usually don't - I shut down and just agree to everything. Oprah really should dedicate an entire show to the generosity and kindness that Shine exemplifies because it's truly something to behold. You think I jest. I'm kind of awful on a regular basis. Angel is just a name people. What can I say? My parents were hopeful.

Along with Shine who has her own stuff going on, Kari and Megan are also going thru major life issues. I'm not only absent, I'm completely silent and not there in any spirit whatsoever. Amazingly, they continue to send words of support and love and hold nothing against me even tho I barely recognize this person I am lately. Eight, Kat, Boris and other friends I've seen and who I talk to regularly constantly offer supportive words and advice - and most importantly, just listen when I find myself wanting to talk. I know I'm lucky to have the love I feel around me and hope I can find my way back to a stronger sense of self really soon.

Not everything sucks. Yesterday I got a free oil change because it took them longer than an hour to complete the service and my cell phone company found me a cheaper plan AND gave me 500 extra minutes as a bonus! Whoo hoo! My life rocks!

Ok.. who wants to come over and put this pen in my eye and put me out of my misery?

Hold Please

Hello kittens.. I'm so sorry I've been absent and there's a lot to explain. There's good, great, some bad and some just ugly on its way.. I just have to find the time to get to it all and write it well so you can understand it. 

I'm currently in a status of confusion tonight. Just for an example, I wore the sweater to work that I wore for three hours last night to a play.. still clean.. yeah.. except for the big wine stain from when I was trying to walk thru the crowd with the wine in my hand near my shoulder and spilled almost down my back. Who spills wine on the back side of their shoulder?? Apparently I do. Then, who wears the same sweater to work?! Had forgotten til I saw it in the bathroom mirror. And the day only got worse from there. 

My lead position was taken away - temporarily they say.. so they can provide the skills so I can lead effectively - and most importantly, don't have issues with other internal employees, like the one I told the other day that she was pissing me off. Inappropriate? Probably. Unprofessional? Eh.. I believe in telling people how you feel and being direct. HR does not, I guess. 

So the slate will be wiped clean, I will get 'tools' (I could say something there.. but shockingly, biting my tongue), and I will get one more chance. Awesome.

Sometimes I wonder why Independent Wealth is so hard to find.

Now I have to go on a first date. I think it would be a good idea to smile if I want a second one. I just sort of have to figure out how to do that.. 

I'm Sick So This Is What You Get..

nataliedee.com

It's Thursday night. I've spent the last two days home sick with this reigning supreme being that is this cold, which has been kicking my ass and possibly turned into the flu today but realized, finally, it's met its match while watching three straight episodes of LOST and is now cowardly making its retreat - or so I'm gathering by my head being much less woozy and nose being a tad less sniffly and stuffy.. but who knows really? It could be changing strategy and planning a comeback. Tho I finally have some stronger vitamins after a very sweet and convincing call from dear old mom that I only needed 2000 mg of Vitamin C to kick it to the curb so there I was buying some like she told me - who knows when the last time I did something she suggested was.. 1987? But she's been unusually motherly regarding her mouth-like-a-sailor daughter. I think there was a little too much tear-jerking over my broken-heart story. I should make a mint when Lifetime comes to buy it if Mom's concern is any sign.

So I don't know about the rest of you.. but God, I was tired of seeing that sappy post. Don't get me wrong.. I'm all heart-on-my-sleeve still. That will never change. Sometimes you have to reveal everything to get a sense of closure on the whole mess. At least I do. But the right decision was made for Boris and me and it should've stayed made the first time I made it back in December. And there's a lot of reasons I naively hoped for something different than what I was allowing myself.. but that's my doing.. and I blame no one else for that. Boris and I will eventually figure out where we are in our own lives and how we fit in each other's and the friendship will find its way back to the Not Awkward Place one day, I'm sure. Hopefully soon.

Til then.. you're stuck with me and these sort of inane posts about..... wait for it...... How People Find Me Online! Yes! I knew you were dying for it. I know it piques my curiosity. How can it not pique yours? That's rhetorical.. don't answer that.

17 Feb, Sun, 21:54:51 Google: things to do in seattle on spring break
18 Feb, Mon, 01:14:27 Google: miss devylish
18 Feb, Mon, 16:01:46 Google: poem i deserve more
18 Feb, Mon, 17:01:47 Google: miss devylish
18 Feb, Mon, 20:43:38 Google: 3D
18 Feb, Mon, 21:30:57 Google: 3A
18 Feb, Mon, 21:48:59 Google: how to get asked for a second date
18 Feb, Mon, 22:52:04 Google: miss devylish
19 Feb, Tue, 08:04:51 Yahoo: miss devylish
19 Feb, Tue, 09:26:15 Google: things to see and do in seattle washington in february 2008
19 Feb, Tue, 14:20:29 Yahoo: miss devylish
19 Feb, Tue, 14:30:37 Google: Love poems, xoxo
19 Feb, Tue, 14:51:01 Google: Cuts on Lips from scissors what should we do?
20 Feb, Wed, 06:52:55 Google: treena diebold
20 Feb, Wed, 07:37:35 Google: you deserve poem love
20 Feb, Wed, 08:11:18 Yahoo: miss devylish
20 Feb, Wed, 10:44:55 Google: seattle things to do Feb 21 to 24
21 Feb, Thu, 20:35:56 Google: lips cut off
21 Feb, Thu, 20:52:36 Google: i want to be needed poem

Clearly you can see that Google is by far winning the search-engine race over Yahoo. What? An attempted Microsoft buyout?? Watch Yahoo dispel that giant like the little David it is with it's mighty slingshot! I give them kudos for that. And Yahoo gets at least 2 out of every 20 searches by my testing alone so working that out.. um.. I think that equals a fraction of some kind and I can already feel my stomach tightening up over the math.. ow. Nevermind.

At least some people are looking for me specifically.. nothing curious there. It's a nice ego boost from my established four or five fans who clearly.. uh.. don't have me bookmarked..

The 3D and 3A always make me a little confused as to how little you have to put into a search engine to actually find me. I'm not even right on top. Like.. honestly, I tested the searching and after page seven was a little bored with all the not me that was there. And if you're looking for 3D or 3A.. wouldn't you have stopped by then to see what you were really looking for rather than continuing onto oh.. page 23 and randomly finding me? Actually.. I didn't even look that far. I bet I'm much further back than that.

The poem search brings back my little wishful thinking love poem I came home and wrote in about five minutes after a long conversation with Boris where I'd told him I wanted most of those things eventually. It was more a declaration of what I thought I deserved and honestly, just what I think is reasonable if you're going to be in it at all. And during this month of February, the loathed Valentine's holiday I run screaming from when single and canoodle like an idiot the one time I've been part of a couple, it's kind of nice to see the post come up. Solidarity to all my unrequited brothers and sisters of love out there yo!

There is the token 'treena' search.. because I mention my beloved friend, ammogirl, plenty.. however, nothing is better than the one I sent her a while back when someone was just looking for 'treena's boobs' or something to that effect. I mean.. really. You've reached your top level of blogging fame when someone is searching for the naughty parts of you, no? And really, the girl has a pretty amazing rack, if you want my honest opinion, so who can blame you dirty mongrels out there? I pass no judgement.

While looking for the answers for securing that coveted second date, there are constant referrals back to me for the one post I didn't write about how not to get it. Of course, while I was out galavanting in the faux Nevada desert at Burning Man, Indi guested and wrote a pretty phenomenal man's man piece - pun intended - that doesn't mince words and continually brings the readers back to my whiny girl chatter when they clearly want to hear what he's got to say. I don't mind.. I'm not jealous.. I only admire. And the guy calls me 'babes' when he comments. I don't know what it is about him, but I like it.

My biggest concern are those looking to the internet to treat something that should be a call to 911 or a quick drive to the nearest emergency room. 'Cuts on lips from scissors what do we do?' Um.. are you thinking duct tape could do the trick? Seriously? HOSPITAL, people.. NOW! Helloooo.. Are you new?! Nevermind. I know the answer. Put down the scissors and get into this car because it's obvious no one else is doing anything and you are sitting there BLEEDING TO DEATH because you're too busy surfing the internet for a BANDAGE! For the love of Pete.. you must be delusional from the blood loss since you're STILL SITTING THERE IN FRONT OF YOUR COMPUTER DOING NOTHING. AAAGH.. You people are killing me.. really..

Alright.. that's it for tonight. I know, you're shocked. A five-minute read and I'm done? Never happens. But I feel this flu saying goodbye and I could use at least a full five hours of good sleep sans snot.. Plus, I realized today that I have a pretty maddening crush on my director of the art festival gala who will be going by Eight cuz there may be mention of him more, but the point is I already know my subconscious is going to leave me very frustrated by morning..

Sweet dreams, kittens!

Same Old Crash And Burn Story

It's not yet spring and I feel the obsessive-compulsive in me gearing up to clear out the clutter in various places. Break ups will do that to you. Make you take stock, reevaluate, reorganize.. because now I need to sleep with the extra down throw on the bed, I can't open a whole bottle of wine because I won't drink it all, I won't be spending as much money on groceries for special things or dinners out, I'll have more time in the evening so I can go to the gym then instead of rushing during lunch in order to have the evening free. I can pout all I want. I don't have to be nice to everyone. I don't have to talk. Things like errands and cleaning don't have to be put off. I can listen to a lot of female singer/songwriter music that compels me to keep tissue by my laptop as I type..

I saw it in his face that weekend.. the lack of spark. Dull. Flat when he said he had doubts. Cold when he said he'd like it to be over now. Unlike me. Calm at first, looking anywhere but at him, feeling my words attempt to make sense then waver somewhere around irrational and then stop because I realized I wasn't making sense and there was nothing left to say anyway. I was also fresh out of shine and sass. Out of energy because I'd given him everything I could possibly think of.. my body, my heart, my mind, possibly some self-worth thrown in when trying to figure out why sometimes, very few times in my opinion, we weren't meshing. I didn't understand where these doubts were coming from but I could see he was annoyed with me at times and I didn't know what that was about. It was never explained and I sensed that day, maybe it didn't have to be. I've been annoyed. It just means you don't want it. You don't want them. You are being suffocated no matter how much space they're giving you. You don't feel it.

So in this case, I saw that's where he was. Nothing I could do about that. No way I could force it, nothing I could say to convince otherwise.. even by reminding him of the beginnings, the chemistry, how much laughter, how strong our connection.. but even I noticed that somewhere it changed, morphed into something not so new.. old hat, old dog.. older tricks.. less sparkle. Whatever we were, whatever I was before that day didn't hold any weight for some reason.

He stopped letting me in at some point tho I naively thought it would just take a little more time.. but still, we were close. We'd spend a few evenings in a row together and couldn't get enough of each other and it was easy and fun. And then there were the tiffs - one for every month I think we've been romantically involved. Is that bad? Is that a lot? Don't other people have different issues? So we had some misunderstandings, there was a communication difference. It wasn't a gap that couldn't be bridged.. unless of course one just didn't want to try.

So in a three-day window we went from unsure and in limbo to let's just be happy and have a good night together where there was nothing but open minds, productive conversation, sensual kisses, giggling and that damn chemistry that's going to be the death of me to some point the next morning where I wasn't moving fast enough for him and he seemed oddly irritated..

When he finally started to explain over coffee and it started to sink in, I felt my face getting warm and unsure if I should sit there and be civil or just walk out abruptly like I felt like doing. What is the appropriate reaction when someone breaks up your non-identified relationship with you while you're both sitting at Starbucks anyway? Is there even something to break up? And then what do you say when he says how great a time he had the night before - really great - and he'd like more nights like that with you, but maybe once every couple of weeks.....?

Let me get this straight - there was a pretty magnetic seven months of flirting and being just friends and confusing phone calls that frustrated me, two months of actual labeled dating, and another two months of this non-labeled complication with no couple implication or official relationship status because I simply wanted to be with him and talked myself into accepting that it was good enough. My heart denied protection and even with that obvious vulnerability I asked nothing of him except for some of his time and for him to be present when spending that time with me.. and after all that, he wanted to offer me LESS than what I was getting? Are you fucking kidding me?!

Yeah, it was awesome. And by awesome I mean sucked ass because the best part was that we both had planned on participating in our country's political process and had our separate caucuses to attend.. about 20 minutes after this whole conversation where we just sort of ended up quiet because neither of us knew what else to say. So we parted - him feeling guilty and awkward and me feeling numb, confused, and angry and hoping I wouldn't completely lose it around oh.. HUNDREDS of strangers.

TWO AND A HALF HOURS LATER.. Obama clearly had most of the state and that was all well and good, however, we should really look into the time this process takes. Who do I email to get that moving a tad faster?? Good God. It was like watching paint dry. There I am, heart all open-woundy, sitting in a grade school gymnasium, trying to hold it together, and doing a crappy job at it. Poor Shine had to console me when she'd been so excited to attend her first democratic caucus. But I left her with a neighborly fan club who nominated her as a delegate while I went home to assess my damage and lick wounds.

I've had vulnerable points this last week - even had a first date in a flagrant attempt to coerce that damn horse to allow me back on way too soon. And tho yes, of course that was probably stupid, you might be surprised to know it actually was a good (albeit over-intoxicating) date with a second one that even got so far as planned and cemented.. and then he had a crisis of consciousness and realized he was still dealing with something too. God.. I hate timing. I hate that it matters so much. And I hate that it takes so much of it in order to let someone go.

There was even an opportunity to fall back into something casual Saturday night while celebrating Kat's birthday out on the town. Raphael tried very hard to intrigue me into letting him come home with me and with his gorgeous body, a sweet, lingering kiss, and a very tender "I miss you, baby," whispered in my ear, I admit, it crossed my mind at how easy it would be to make a decision based on just wanting to feel wanted for a while. He's a gentle heart tho and I'm still shocked that I'm not drawn to him like I wish I was, but I can't involve someone else in my recovery. Things get messy very quickly when I've done that and I feel like an ass at the end for being so selfish. So despite his best efforts, I said my goodnights to everyone and made my way home alone.

The wagons are circled now. It's back to spending time with good friends who remind me whose loss this really is, what I really deserve, how strong and awesome I am, and allow me their shoulders during my weak moments when I'm wallowing in the quicksand of self-pity. I also have lots to do so it's not like I don't have distraction. The upcoming art festival gala is keeping me busy and another actor acquaintance just asked me to produce his next show that's set to go up at the end of March. So there is plenty to focus on.. it's just a matter of compartmentalizing - the thing that men are so good at. How do they master that? Is there a class I can take? Because seriously, that would be a really beneficial skill for all the girls like me prone to wearing our stupid hearts on our sleeves.. Or maybe I just need some really strong emotional tape. Just wrap that baby up in some sort of industrialized bubble wrap..

Now if I could just figure that one out, I'd make a fortune..

50 New Things About Me

I thought it might be nice for a list. There is so much going on right now and honestly, I'm a bit open-woundy. If I wrote a real post, it would probably be crap and self-pitying and blahblahblah.. and who wants that? So I actually thought there might might be more things you'd like to know about me.. just in case you were wondering.. in case you wanted to send me gifts.. like wine.. or money.. or true love holding a bottle of wine and wrapped in money.. tho that might be a difficult one to send thru the mail these days. But throw in some styrofoam peanuts and no one would be the wiser..

Anyway..

50 New Things About Me

1. I'm stage managing the Seattle Erotic Art Festival. What?! You're asking yourself.. and just spit all over your monitor.. but it's true. It's performance based - and no, I don't mean sex in public tho that would probably sell more tickets - but it's going to be a kick-ass party at the Seattle Center that I'm helping to put together and run so click on the banner over on the right and see for yourself. Yours truly is going to be busy this month.

2. I do this under-bite thing with my mouth when I'm concentrating on things like making coffee in the morning and trying to wake up. It feels oddly comforting.

3. I close my eyes when I brush my teeth.

4. My paternal grandmother only had one thumb. She lost the other to.. um.. something I can't remember.. cancer maybe.. before I was born. It doesn't seem like a big deal unless of course you can manage without a thumb. Try it. It's hard. I always thought she was extra amazing because of that.

5. I know every word of 'The Breakfast Club' by heart.

6. I don't balance a checkbook.

7. I don't have a savings account.

8. I do have a 401k. Yay me!

9. I am not good with money overall.. clearly.

10. I am good at spending it.

11. Shine sings to my cat, Emma.. something about finding something to rhyme with her name, which is a dilemma.. It cracks me up.

12. I sing when I drive.

13. I stop singing when stopped at a traffic light or in slow traffic. I don't want people to see me and think what a dork I am because I'm singing.

14. I love the smell of lavender.

15. I recently bought my first ever tube of wrinkle cream. Laugh lines, you know..

16. I floss before I brush. I heard it from a morning dj whose wife is a dentist.

17. I've read poems in two weddings, been a bridesmaid in another and was the maid of honor in three, the last one of which was my mom's.

18. I have four nieces and one nephew and another unknown on the way - none of whom are related to me at all other than the fact their mothers are my very best friends in the whole world.

19. For a theatre major, I'm the first one to hate charades and the last one to get up and karaoke - unless I've been drinking and I just get it out of the way. Then you can hardly hold me back - like many people witnessed last weekend during Shine's birthday.

20. I love English history - particularly anything to do with or around the time of Queen Elizabeth I.

21. Solace is my favorite word. Tho cake was running neck and neck.

22. Periwinkle is my favorite color.

23. I see the days of the week in my head in this sort of horizontal oval that my imagination moves around depending on which day I'm thinking of, planning for, etc..

24. Yeah, that day of the week thing is a little weird, I'll admit.

25. I've never broken a bone in my life.

26. I've never been hospitalized.

27. I voted for Obama in the caucus.

28. We have a pretty big and important caucus here in Washington state.

29. The caucus jokes never get any less funny to me.

30. I really can't drive the speed limit. Way too slow.

31. I can't take long drives without getting sleepy after about 90 minutes.

32. I get sea sick on ferry boats.

33. I dream in color.

34. I used to have a mad crush on Gene Kelly.

35. Now I have a madder crush on Jon Stewart.

36. I sort of want an iPhone.

37. I really need a new career. The current one isn't cutting it at all.

38. I sort of dream of selling flowers. Who doesn't like to see the flower delivery person? Seriously..

39. I'm the worst procrastinator in the world. You should see my room.. still things on the floor from Burning Man last September. Ugh.

40. Clutter in the rest of the house kind of stresses me out.

41. That's because I think I'm slightly OCD - just not where my bedroom is concerned.

42. I don't like our upstairs neighbors.

43. I like our landlord even less.

44. Shine and I are probably going to move in the next few months.

45. I'm in love with someone who never deserved me and has broken my heart for the last time.

46. For someone who talks a lot, apparently, I'm really not that great at communicating.

47. And for working best with direct, I have to really work at not being passive-aggressive sometimes.

48. I feel like I have so much to work on in order to be a better me.. and that I never seem to get very far.

49. But I made two new friends in January.

50. That seems like progress to me..

My Awkwardly Sad But Sort Of Happy Post

So.. January.. yeah. It happened.. and I'm sitting here trying to put the words together to describe it in its last couple of days because there's been good - even great, but also this crazy sort of scattered that I'm still trying to figure out. There have been days where the energy just seemed to flow and then a few where at the end of the day my heart felt a bit worn.

At the beginning of the year, a quieter friend I've made thru the blog relocated this way. The nickname we both decided on was Yoda (Trust me, this is much more appropriate than 'Newbie' that he suggested. Plus, he's much more colorful than that anyway.). So.. we're new friends and as he says, he's a blank slate, so we've gone to dinner to a couple of my favorite places and I've provided him a list of further ideas for venturing around his new city. We have these great talks about religion, relationships.. he gives me great guy advice, I get to hear all about his life experiences because wow.. he has some and it's enlightening and inspiring.. and I find I'm already neglectful of doing my rightful job as a tour guide due to my crazy busy social schedule and this new stage managing gig.. BUT I like new friends and I haven't made a new one that wasn't my roommate in a long time. It just reminds me that there's more to getting to know someone than small talk. Histories are so worth hearing.. and it's almost safer to talk about them to someone you don't know all that well yet. And also, I like that I leave our conversations with a smile on my face thinking about how to apply the kind words of guidance that were shared and wondering what adventure we'll have next.

Now, one wouldn't think you could find too much adventure at the shoe store, but, as you'll soon find out, one would be wrong. I'd wandered to Nine West in our fancy little University Village yuppiedom mall after picking up a necklace at another store when this sassy and cute woman asked me where one might go looking for purses. The shoe store had a great one in white, but she wanted it in black. Talk about where to buy purses led to chit-chat about the boots I was trying on and oh those are pointy and oh maybe you should try some on too and no I couldn't possibly, but maybe if they have a pair in my size and oh those are good.. what did you say if we buy two pairs we get 20% off sort of conversations.. and a couple of sparks flew back between our very wide-eyed clever selves and there we were, sharing a shoe purchase, each of us getting a shiny pair of over-the-top pointy boots in different shades. Hers a lovely plum and myself a random dark green, but for the same reason: because they were cheap! Do they fit? Sure! Do I want to rip off my feet and throw them into the nearest fire after wearing them for five whole minutes?! Absolutely! But hey, I think I made a new friend who is energetic and outgoing and has supercute style and this darling shade of short reddish hair, so I'm going to call her Red. Red is a life coach. A life coach with wine-colored patent leather pointy boots that I helped her pick out. How rad is that? I see many pink colored martinis in our future.

A different kind of adventure recently found Miss Shine and myself when we certainly weren't looking for it. She won't like me ratting her out like this but she was sick sick sick.. and I wish I meant like.. yo she's so mad sick, dog.. because well, she is.. but instead I mean sick as in coughing up a lung and cracking ribs from all the not being able to take in a breath while coughing for these really long, long, loooong periods of time. I don't know about you, but that didn't seem good to me.

So we made a little trip to the ER one night, which would've been a lot more fun had she not had a 102 degree fever and maybe had been able to walk a little faster but you know, when she did that, she started wheezing, which was followed by much coughing and that sort of negated the air getting to her lungs, which sort of made me get all bossy about getting someone with a degree that cost them a whole bunch of money that they're probably still paying for to look at her.. and hopefully, find an instant cure because.. ow.. she sounded like everything hurt.

Um.. FOUR HOURS later, two x-rays, two blood draws, one iv bag of saline, one breathing treatment, a bevy of nurses and techs with entire life stories (and accompanying pictures) to tell perfect strangers and one boisterous doctor who showed up TWICE in that time.. we get to leave. Completely dehydrated when she'd arrived, she had better color in her face and could walk a little easier. Yet, freezing our butts off - hospitals are not friggin warm people - we headed to get prescriptions that took another 30 minutes from people who wouldn't even make eye contact with us while my little bright girl was still not sounding awesome and becoming a pale version of herself.. and we were both exhausted.. she more than anyone of course.I crossed my fingers and hoped she was on her way to recovery. Diagnosis: bronchitis.

Yeah.. not so much. About five days later, she had another fever.. Mind you, the original one was the THIRD ONE EVER in HER WHOLE LIFE, people.. now she's had two in one week? I ask you.. does that not seem like a lot? It does, right? It does.. so there. And her coughing was worse than ever thus making me rechannel the bossy in me and make her visit the doctor again. Besides that, the day before she told me that her doctor said due to the fact she brunched and did things that required her to be vertical rather than oh.. horizontally resting on a couch with a remote in her hand, her bronchitis developed into bronchial frickin pneumonia. BFP is serious people.. Jim Hensen died of it. At least that's what she keeps telling me.. like my own little morbid torturer because she then tells me not to worry about her. I was seriously considering requiring the doctor to make a house call and then not letting s/he leave until Shine was better. For good. That's all there is to it. Cuz this was fucking ridiculous. Also, the next day was her birthday, which she spent mostly alone, mostly coughing and mostly feeling like crap. I think you should all go read her cute blog right now and send her all kinds of belated birthday and well wishes.. because you're you and you're thoughtful like that. Yes you are.

And there is no way for me to really ease into this part. Treena's husband just left for Iraq and tho she is the one who is married to him and she is also in the military and she is the one who probably has a much more vast understanding of how it all works, I am sort of freaking out inside. Yeah.. awesome support system I make right? You're supposed to keep people calm and supposed to know these things will turn out fine. And they will. They have to. However, I'm a worrier and I have thoughts that scare me and it sort of makes me get all teary and all I can think about is that Miss Shine and I will be baking our little butts off because damn it if we aren't going to send the biggest and best care package ever so John knows he better not do anything stupid.. that's all I'm saying. And if he wants more where that came from, he had better get going on home because Treena made us promise we'd send some of that package of caring over to her too.. just for quality taste-testing, of course.

And Kari, one of the strongest people in my world, told me tho her father had gone thru massive efforts to fight the lung cancer he was diagnosed with last year and they thought he'd beaten it, they recently found eight tumors in his brain. Eight. Just absorb the weight of that for a second. I know I still am. That many make the idea of surgery impossible.. and the outcome of knowing that all too obvious. Already having watched my own father go thru a long and agonizing fight against leukemia that he lost, it's hard to know which is going to hurt more - watching the biggest man in your life struggle against a life-threatening vice that you can't save him from or losing him completely and knowing he's out of pain. You can't say. It all sucks and having gone thru it and seen the other side, I ache for my friend because I can't protect her from that. I can only be there for her and hope I'm helping in some small way.

Tho I know there has to be balance in life - the good and bad, ups and downs, the things that make us all grow even tho they're heavy and difficult - don't you just wish it didn't have to be that way? Why can't it all be moments filled with magic and wonder, random strangers and sunny days? I'm sure we wouldn't recognize those things if we had them all the time.. but it's nice to imagine.

And, if I'm going to be honest here, and I usually am, I feel like this post is one of the hardest I've had to write. I wanted to mention everything that's happened lately even tho it doesn't go together.. and some of it hasn't even happened to me. I should be able to make it all flow and find a rhythm, but I continue to go back and forth being happy for new acquaintances and funny moments to aching quietly for other things I can't even find words to completely express.

So, since I think I may be coming down with a cold and can't seem to find anymore words.. I leave you all for the night. I have to send virtual hugs to my girls - Kari and Treena - and another for Shine and her upcoming belated birthday celebration this weekend because she's finally almost back to normal. Y'all are going to be so sorry you missed her karaoke down with her bad self. Oh.. yes, there will be pictures.. I promise.

Sleep well, kittens..

Love Is Like A Great Sale, Isn't It? Ok, A Great Sale At Goodwill Then..

Please don't hate me people.. I've been a horrible blogger and an even more horrible blog reader. Like.. I have no energy to write or read and all I want to do when I come home from work, if I've gone to the gym and worked out all the aggression it created in me during the day, is just make some dinner, veg out in front of Jon Stewart, and avoid thinking about going back to the office the next day. Weekends are my solace for cleaning - CLEANING! I'd rather clean than go to work! Or write about what's going on there because it seems it's taking over my life and that's what I write about.. what's going on in my life, right? You know this.. this is what I do. And I'm not prone to lying on my blog.. not usually anyway. And it seems my brain is so wiped out mentally from trying to focus and prioritize and not stress the fuck out and go postal on everyone that I have no sense of creativity left and even writing something as much as a fun list eludes me. How desolate has my life become with no blogging? I ask you, how?! I'll tell you. Very.

And you my 4 or 5 readers say to this.. wow.. she's not funny anymore. Where did the funny go? She should try being more funny.. and this is not it. No. No it's not. It's just sad. And you click on over to my friends and other links and even the gossip on Britney and you say, YES! This is MUCH better.. ahh. Because it is, let's be honest, and you breathe your sigh of relief that my tedious unfunnyness is not within your eyesight anymore and you hope that next week I'll fix it and this will all be a bad memory.

I hope the same thing.

Jesus. Let me be funnier, ok? Along with thinner, prettier, more successful, all that.. but funnier first.. entertaining. I'm nothing if not an attention whore, but you know, in a good way. Right? You know this, right? Alright.. that's all I got. Amen.

It's not like I'm unhappy overall. I'm happy. Just not at work. And I really don't want to talk about work. I can talk about my life outside of it, that's not a problem. We can just suffice it to say that work = stress and also = difficult to get thru every day, but otherwise, it should get better. Eventually. Let's hope anyway. Yes, let's hope that together, shall we?

So outside of work has been good. Great even. For example, Saturday: I skipped showering because I planned to get my hair cut. I don't know if this logic makes sense to you, but it does to me. Got breakfast with Miss Shine at Noah's and had not one, but two cups of coffee.. so I then felt like I needed a little bit more of a treat-myself type day and decided to get that long overdue pedicure I've been needing. A bright shiny red and a pretty flower on each big toe did the trick. Wandered over to the boutique just next door and bought myself a gorgeous cropped grey velvet jacket to wear that night when I went out with Kat and some other burners to get down with our bad selves. Was it on sale? Yes! Was it on 20% more sale when I paid for it? Um.. yeah! Clearly awesome day.

The boy thing has been crazy. Crazy and good and I'm bracing myself for the judgy here because I'm going to tell you that Boris and I are not really over like I thought we were. Like I told him we were. Like I told myself and all of you. I'm not so strong when it comes to willpower people. Also, I'm obviously a lying liarpants. All over the place..

It is what it is. That's what I'm going with. I'm calling it the Non-relationship Relationship, or NRR for short, and he even knows I'm calling it that.. and there were laughs.. and yet we sleep like snakes all entwined together and there is much fun and talking and laughing and long adoring looks and madly passionate kisses and all the affection I could want.. and yeah, like you, I don't know what the fuck the problem is, I'll give you that, but I'm not the one with the issue about it. There is love.. in both directions. That's not in question. What kind? Don't know.. but I know it's something for me that's not so insane anymore that I need to know what's going on every second or that I need to know where I stand. Cuz I know. Plans are made often, movies out are rearranged to movies in with more wine and less movie watching than one would think, we talk like close friends, talk like closer lovers later.. and honestly, it's lovely.

Maybe I'm not meant to have traditional romantic relationships. Maybe I'm not asking the Universe for the right things in the right way. Maybe I've been going about things all wrong. Maybe there's a different way. So.. there it is.

Am I waiting? God, I hope not. Not actively anyway.. and he knows there are other interested parties, which he casually asks about now and then and we have the talk about how he feels and what he would do.. and he wants me to be happy and I currently am and then I kiss him and after a few moments when he's still digesting the feeling of that and his eyes are closed and our faces are so close to each other we can feel the warmth from the other's skin, I ask him sweetly with a coy smile, 'Now where are you going to find a girl who looks after you like I do and kisses like that?' Silence from him.. and then, 'Um.. I dunno. You're right,' with a slightly stunned look on his face.. and I say, 'I know,' because I sort of do.. and we share a long look and I think, maybe that sunk in.. and maybe it doesn't matter that it still means not now.. and he kisses me back and we drive back to my place and I put the moment away.

So that's the NRR.. and the other opportunity.. is more like a fantasy, but for real. I'll call him Raphael, because he's sort of like an angel. A tall, dark, Brazilian angel - complete with an accent and sometimes, small bits of broken English and our tattoos both mean the same thing. Yes, I can hear you breathing heavily already over there. And yes, he's pretty much that hot, so I won't stop you. It's warranted. He's also so sweet I can hardly stand it.. and comfortable with himself and he swims.. SWIMS! Do you know what a swimmer's body looks like?! I'm not asking.. I'm telling you.. if you don't know.. Jesus.. you should find out. Some of my favorites, that's all I'm saying.. and his?! Dear God. No exception. You have no idea.

That's new though.. and he's a fellow burner so when traveling in that group, we have more in common and friends who surround us who are great and fun and open. I like that energy. It's addicting. I have this comfort and ease I feel with Boris too because we just fit, as we both keep saying out loud every now and then.. like it's a new thought - like we're surprised sometimes.. and I feel a new sense of belonging even tho it's never discussed, just implied..

I know where I lean.. I also know how to maintain my own sense of self-preservation - even tho I know y'all are shaking your heads over there. But I haven't given up on what I want. I think there's just a more round-a-bout way that I'll get there.. the scenic route. Yes, the windy road with a few tourist traps.. and some lovely souvenirs on the way.

Goodbye 2007! Bring On The Shinier 2008!

I'm here! Honest! I haven't disappeared people.. but you know how it is with the holidays and getting home from the family's and getting back to a half a week of work where everything is chaotic and you can only wait for the long weekend of new year's eve, which is exactly how things have gone for me. So I do apologize for my tardiness in posting and having absolutely nothing to say. I'm working on a list and then I thought.. who wants another frickin list? Not you! No.. not for the end of year post! So.. bear with me..

I have been shopping the last few days having been given a little wad of cash for Christmas and have found some great little items just today out with Pixie. The idea was to thrift, but right away, out with her last minute and completely unshowered and bed-headed, I found a cute page boy type cap that I quickly threw on and couldn't part with. We then headed to a vintage store for something unexpected and she discovered a gorgeous long, brown faux fur coat that once on, I simply had to have. Not exactly a thrifty price, but it was still meant to be mine. We did end up at Goodwill where there was to be found a sexy backless halter that fit perfectly and a cute little nightie that is sexy and still innocent enough that I won't be completely porn star out in the desert. With a pair of fishnets, some frilly panties and boots, it will definitely fit right in.

I'm getting really excited about Burning Man eight months sooner than I need to because Boz is coming with me this year and we're planning on bringing an RV full of a few other friends who've committed to joining us. I have so much time to prepare this year and plan it a bit better than last time that every time I'm out, I default to wondering if something will work in the sun and sand of the playa rather than at work or out on the town.

I do plan on hitting a big new year's eve party as well.. but again, it's burner inspired. So even with thinking so far ahead, if it can work here where there are parties all year round, all the better. Grab a crinoline, throw on a tank, boots - high heeled or not.. whatever. It really is like Halloween more than one night a year and my inner attention whore gets to play a bit more often these days.

So really.. nothing terribly exciting to report to you all. Just reflecting on the last few days of the year and spending time with good friends who bring out the best in me. Even my heartbreak has faded and Boris and I have found a comfortable place with our friendship. We go back and forth with our physical attraction, but even if we give into temptation, there are no longer any other expectations than that we'll still remain close friends. Things like that have a way of working themselves out however they're supposed to and if he's not the right person, eventually the right one will come along. It feels good not to be so achy about the whole stupid thing tho and back to a stronger sense of self.

I wish all of you a safe and happy ringing in of the new year. May you get everything you wish for and more in 2008. Mucho love to all of you.. and also, thank you so much for reading. I never imagined having so many friends at a distance. Every one of you and your comments make writing mean so much more to me. So thank you for continuing on this random journey with me. See you all next year! Mwah!

A Few Of My Favorite Things

It's that time of year again where I delay and postpone most of the major shopping for holiday gifts because I haven't a clue what to get anyone in my family. My friends are easy, but because I haven't found the key to Independent Wealth, they understand their gifts usually come after the big day and not before. I do have one day off this week with Fatima to spend however we wish sans toddler, my gorgeous niece, except for the one in her belly oven, and I'm supposed to get all my shopping done this day. I keep wondering, HOW am I ever going to do that?! And with only one paycheck that oh.. other bills are supposed to be paid from too. It's going to be a holiday miracle people. Something that Hallmark or Lifetime will want to produce as their next female driven tv movie, but luckily where no one gets beaten first, because that's just not very warm and fuzzy for this time of year.. obviously.

ANYWAY.. I've compiled a little list of gifty type links for you and me so we can all browse together. Shall we?

Let's get straight to one of my favorite things: T-shirts. I heart a great t-shirt. I really do. That's probably why when I recently bought one for the holidays for my friend who will have to go unnamed just in case he may actually read this post tho he never reads anymore (so why am I getting him anything?! I wonder this too, but this shirt is perfect!), I had to buy one for myself as well. Had to. So I went for Noisebot.com. Some are odd, some I don't get, and yet, some never stop being funny. And similarly - almost eerily alike - there's Busted Tees, which may just be a tad cheaper (of course I find something like this AFTER I buy 2 shirts on the previous site..) and how can it be bad when all the shirts come with descriptions? It can't! This one has to be my favorite. And then there is Threadless.com, which is apparently, cheaper still due to their $10 holiday sale that ends.. oops.. today.. but you go and get on that anyway.. because how can you go thru life without a t-shirt like this? I ask you. You can't. That's how.

For other wearable items, especially for your favorite cook, I still like these adorable aprons I found on Wrapables.com. I could totally see my dear little Shine in this one or this one and I also like they have a cute selection of kids' aprons too.

I thought these little wine stoppers were pretty cute for your favorite wine drinker who may be torn between right and wrong now and then. I mean.. it happens, right? When wine is involved.. you just never know.

And what goes with wine? Bread and cheese, right? And what goes with good bread? Yummy dipping oils from Williams-Sonoma. While there you could pick up some of their high heat spatulas, measuring spoons and a cute little timer because your own chef at home probably needs some of these fun things that might cost a little more than say.. shopping at Target, but make the kitchen feel more personal and your chef a little spoiled, as they should.

And tho I linked to this last year, this light is still one of my all-time favorite bits of decor (not that I have one and you might consider it on my list as well.. ahem).

For the person who is always coming and going in your life, you might give him or her these sassy luggage tags so their belongings are unmistakable along with this sexy travel bar for which they can make the friendly skies just a bit friendlier if the mood strikes them.

For the person you know who lives amidst blank walls, you might try giving them something a bit different than just your average Monet print. Scribble has gift certificates available for their removable wall decals and your giftee can even custom design it themselves. And then there's Blik who has so many different choices you may be overwhelmed but one of their partners is actually Threadless, the t-shirt company I listed earlier. So how fun would something like this be? Tho I think this one is my favorite.

And if you want something a little more functional, you could always try these fun removable chalkboard things that Shine and I just put up in our kitchen. Not only are they affordable, but you can arrange the panels any way you see fit or cut them to pieces and put them other places you thought a little chalkboard was necessary. Chalk is even included! Awesome, right? So much!

If you're actually looking for art tho, I will direct you to a personal friend of mine, Jason Waskey. He's a painter. A really, really good painter and he also has a blog where you can check out the small works he's selling currently. Some are as cheap as $100 like this gorgeous little number he's holding for me, which just happens to be the ticket from the show I produced in November and I think that's pretty special. So go get some art. Monet would be proud of you.

For a little camper I know I thought this mini remote-control lantern could be just the thing to light up her tent at night when she's in the desert and it only takes one AA battery! Serious radness from Restoration Hardware.

Shine and I have also taken to playing Scrabble on Facebook these days with many of our friends so a vintage wooden box edition of the real thing might be uber snazzy. And even better if it came with its own dictionary. There's even a very cute little travel version for killing time between the holiday dinner and that inevitable popping in of The Christmas Story that your brother will insist on watching for the zillionth time.

For the girl in your life who likes snazzy bits of pretty things, I still highly recommend this very fancy mascara, big gorgeous eyes, by Philosophy because who doesn't want eyes that pop? No one! No one doesn't want those. Then there's this lovely fragrance called grace that smells so light and pretty you will want to buy boxes of it like I wanted to when I discovered it. And the staple I cannot live without is their kiss me lip gloss that isn't sticky, isn't glittery, and is just the best lip gloss ever, period. I love the clear for everything, but the red is very sheer and gives a little extra kick in these early darkened evenings that go perfectly with a glass of cabernet and a handsome, holiday date.

If your girl is a little funkier in her tastes, I personally like this cute little hat from delia's, this adorable pink clutch from Urban Outfitters because she's still girly and this shiny bit of electricity for around her neck to let her know she really creates a spark when she walks into a room.

For the music lover, an iTunes gift certificate would never be unappreciated and I would recommend one of my favorite cd's this year, which is The Shins, Wincing The Night Away. The new Feist, Reminder is another good one, and KT Tunstall's latest, Drastic Fantastic. If you like a little more bass in your tunes, I liked the new Mark Farina, House Of Om or for a little more housey, Miguel Migs', Those Things was good to groove to this summer. Lastly, for simply the most amazing guitarists you will ever hear in your lives - and you should really see them live because they will knock your socks off - Rodrigo Y Gabriela were one of the best discoveries this year. Just phenomenal. There are really not enough descriptive words to say how incredible they are.

For other more personal gifts, there are always sweet ideas of baking homemade cookies, putting together a mini book of your favorite poems or recipes, hand-written and bound with pretty ribbon, or searching thru some of the local antique and second-hand stores to find a one-of-a-kind little knick-knack or bauble or antique book that might bring a sparkle to someone's eye for its originality.

If you wanted to use your ingenuity to better the world, you could take on sponsoring a child thru Children International and tho I'm not here to preach, I have to say I do get choked up every time I get a letter from Christian, who I sponsor out of the Phillippines. There's also Heifer International, which by a small or large donation, can provide a family with a new way of life completely so that they can provide for themselves. It's all pretty wonderful if you ask me.

This week is sure to be filled with a large to-do list for me: shopping for family and friends, making travel arrangements, eating and drinking way too much with friends before I head to Oregon to do the same thing with my family, hitting the gym as much as possible so none of the said stuffing of face will matter anyway, reflecting on my decisions that brought me both happiness and heartache this year and thinking about those around me who influenced each, what I can do better to contribute to my overall sense of self, not to mention the world to make it a better place - and wishing you, my dear readers, a very lovely holiday filled only with peace and love because that's what you all deserve. I hope you find the perfect gifts for your loved ones and travel safely to all your destinations. Do avoid your crazy aunt's fruit cake tho.

The Universal Fear

When I was a little girl, I thought I was going to marry my brother. He was going to be a fireman and I was going to be a waitress. Big dreams, clearly. But it was what I knew. My family, my security. Why would I ever go away from them? Isn't that what everyone did?

As I got a little older, I, of course, came to realize that only very strange people found their brothers attractive and only stranger ones married them.. and not long after that, began the boy craziness I would rarely ever not feel.

The earliest I remember is in 2nd grade when Laura Gillette and I each shared the same boyfriend, Sean Dewey. He had a blonde bowl cut, very cute freckles all over his face, and put his arm around both of us during show and tell. I thought this was very cool at the time and I was very happy with our arrangement. I had doodled his name all over my backpack and I'm sure when I looked at him, there were cartoon hearts that fluttererd out of my batting eyes.

Tho Laura was a very pretty auburned-brunette with rosy cheeks, she was one of my best friends and I never ever thought to compare myself to her. I had dark brown hair, parted in the middle with strong cowlicks on either side of my forehead, was a little chubby, and since I sucked my thumb until I was probably four, I had very bucked front teeth. But I never didn't feel pretty. I was just me: a happy girl who liked her friends, school, reading and rainbows. That was good enough. Sean seemed to like us both equally and at that age, it was just a given you didn't spend much time with your boyfriend. It was just at school. I mean, forget about kissing. Ew. We just chased the boys on certain days and tickled them when they let us catch them.. and vice versa. That was the extent of those relationships in those days. It didn't get any deeper than that.

In fourth grade, Brenda became my best friend. She was a big-eyed, freckled, blonde, pretty, very thin and taller than me and our babysitters were only two houses away from each other. We couldn't be separated. We also both had a crush on the most popular boy in our class, Ryan Daly. Sandy brown hair and adorably cute, he got along with everyone and we both sort of admired him from afar. Well, until one day he sent Brenda a note. I don't remember much about what, if anything, happened between them, but I remember acutely how jealous I was. I tried to hide it and I think I did. I loved my friend to pieces and I could see how thrilled she was, but I think this was the first time I became aware of what I lacked. My insecurity was born.

Being a grown woman now, you would think at some point those insecurities would've been conquered and quieted - and a lot of them have. You would also think I would've had some more significant relationships that mattered by now, which is true. But I'm one of the rare (?) people who have never had a longer relationship than one year. I've never lived with anyone. Never been married. Never even come close. I've been in love a lot. Genuinely and for real. And I have been loved back just as fiercely. I certainly wouldn't be single if any of those had worked out, but since the longest one, a decade ago, these connections have amounted to less and less time before it takes the other party to decide it isn't working. There are still a few that stand out as important loves, who were passionate, learning experiences for me and they're still people I count as part of my life, but I can see now that all of them were stepping stones to getting where I am now and defining clearly what I want from a partner.

The two most significant ex-boyfriends helped shape my sense of self not because I was with them the longest, but because of the connection we had. And still to this day, it amazes me, knowing them now, how strongly I was pulled in their direction as if they were oxygen and I had been holding my breath my whole life.

Anthony was my second boyfriend here in Seattle. From the moment I met him in line at an audition, I knew he was bad for me. Bad in the way you know a chemistry is good, which made it difficult for the year-long boyfriend I already had. I saw this charming boy solely as a new friend whom I bonded with for a day while we stood in line for this insane cattle call and even talked about my boyfriend quite a bit so I thought that had been established. Knowing what I know now tho, I can see, in retrospect, Anthony saw that as a challenge.

We really clicked, but it was still just platonic for me. I remember soon after we met that we had one particular conversation over the phone where I told him straight up that I loved my boyfriend and wasn't leaving him for Anthony because I just couldn't see us together. And he sounded ok with that. He didn't bring it up again until we were spending more time together than a 'just friends' pair usually does. We talked for hours all the time.. in a way my boyfriend and I never did.. but I kept thinking I was having fun with a new friend.

Then one afternoon, we had a movie moment. You know.. the long gaze before someone is about to leave after spending time with you and you both feel the pull to kiss, but you don't. We talked about it later and I realized it'd only taken him two weeks to completely diminish my loyalty to my boyfriend, which astounded me for how passionately I'd previously sounded in my dedication to him. But during that conversation, Anthony probably manipulated the edge of the fence he knew I was on and he told me he thought I was worth fighting for.. and at that moment, I knew he could offer me something more than my current boyfriend's consistent jealousy and low self-esteem. For two months straight, we never slept apart and I'd never felt so close to someone.

Movie love is great, but ultimately, not long-lasting. Cumulatively, we only dated for about nine months and broke up twice over that year and a half we were trying to figure it out. Tho he helped me become so much more comfortable with myself and being apart of a relationship, he needed more affirmation than one girl could provide. God I was destroyed for months when it was finally over between us.

Tho it felt like an eternity before I let my heart heal from that, it probably wasn't long before I met Ali, a Canadian Iranian, who was a friend of a friend, roommate of someone I'd been casually dating in BC, and long story short, one New Year's Eve night, the timing was perfect and again, I had stars in my eyes.

Ali is still one of the loves of my life I feel. Even after eight years, I still melt at the sound of his voice over the phone. He still calls me his angel and I go completely weak at the knees. But since he lives in BC, it just wasn't realistic to keep love maintained no matter how much we wanted to. It was too hard and made weekends we spent together too pressure-filled to be perfect. But he made me feel beautiful and loved when he would kiss the palm of my hand and then put it to his cheek. And when he told me how my smiles - every one of them because they were all different - were magic, I would blush and smile more and he'd say, 'Yes, that one right there,' and I would feel like the luckiest girl in the world. How can you not love someone like that? I would cry on the way home after every weekend visit because it was so hard to leave him.

During our relationship, we both had some terrific tragedies happen around us that neither of us could've foreseen nor could we bandage very well from that distance. Disappointments and misunderstandings increased and soon we disintegrated. We've had many talks over the years since we've still remained friends, tried to get back together here and there, but one visit we settled it once and for all. We both acknowledged how much we had loved each other, learned from the other, but for both of us, tho the other was someone who'd always remain significant for us, we'd realized that love isn't always enough. You think that if you can get the timing right and you both feel the same way that it will contain you, nurture you, satisfy you.. but that's not always the case. It was an extremely valuable lesson to learn.

Since then, I've mistakenly loved others who haven't been able to return that feeling for whatever reason. Tho I felt that familiar pull to them, they figured out they didn't and probably wouldn't ever feel it for me. Again, timing is everything. Recognizing what you want and not settling is too. And tho I tried the casual thing again recently, I was denying what I really wanted.

When I wrote that last post, I admitted to myself that it's not only ok to want those things I wrote, but if you do and you're not getting them, you should be in a space where they're conducive to finding you and I wasn't. So after some talking, I decided to let Boris go because you can't force someone to give you what they aren't capable of providing and when they tell you what their limitations are, you should believe them.

Because I had to be honest that I fell pretty hard for Boris, I ended things with The Actor as well and find myself licking wounds and not in a place to date anyone right now. I didn't think it was fair to date someone just to avoid being lonely and I couldn't have been very engaged while thinking of someone else I had lost. And since Boris and I have been friends most of the year, it feels heavier because I miss our friendship and now it's going to be awkward and weird until we figure that out.

This is the part I hate about risking.. but you have to admit, risk is not preferential. You have just as much chance at being happy as you do breaking your own heart.. and I willingly take that risk all the time. I know.. I do it to myself, but if I didn't, I think I'd become so bitter I would shrivel up and die and I just can't do that to myself. I refuse to be afraid like that. I believe in hope.

The new year is only a few weeks away and it always reminds me to keep moving forward. I'm not perfect, but I'm happier now than I ever have been with my imperfections. I have my days, but overall, I think more positively. I think I'm getting closer to finding that partner who will take that leap with me because I'm getting better about defining what I'm being offered and knowing it's not going to be enough. Everyone wants love, but not everyone wants to admit it because it makes them vulnerable. Yeah, it's a lot scarier than your second grade crush, but when did we lose that spunk and become so cautious and hesitant? I'm going into this new year welcoming the unknown of opening up, hoping out loud, and asking the Universe for what I want because I'm done settling for less than that.

I'm not a kid anymore and I want love with a partner that doesn't require being shared with a third party. I want something mature and that continues to evolve and grow rather than stagnate and leave me with more questions than answers. I want a love that is fearless.. because there is no room for any other love that is less than that in my life. I want more. And finally, I know it's ok to ask for it.

[An Overthought] Love Poem

I want to be chosen. I want to be pursued. I want to be the priority. I want to be ached for, desired, and loved for me. I want to be needed. I want to be adored, cherished, and protected. Above all others. The most. More than anyone else ever in his past. Because he wants to. Not because he feels obligated. Not because there is no one else. Because I am me. Because I'm the right person. Because I make him laugh. Because he's drawn for reasons that are more than he thinks I'm pretty. But also, in addition to that. Even out of the shower, hair astray. Or in the shower, soap in my eyes, no mystery left.

But there is no choosing. There is just now. It is what it is and there is no name for that. Sometimes that is incredibly frustrating. Sometimes I understand and want to allow for more space. Sometimes I don't know why I feel like I need things to be rushed. Or maybe I'm not rushing. I just want. And the want makes me insist that things happen now. Or soon. Or eventually. But really, does it matter when? Does it even matter if? If I'm not that person. If none of that happens. But if there's a relationship that happens anyway and over time, but that time doesn't equal forever or ‛as long as we both shall live' or whichever is less or whichever is more, does that make it less valid or less acceptable or less what I want?

I want the day to day. The boring of the same old thing. The settled feeling that you can fight and he will still be there tomorrow because what you have matters more than the argument. The stability of reliance when good news needs celebrated and bad news requires a shoulder. Dates for friends' weddings, for birthdays, for New Year's Eve, for Valentine's. A cohort during boring holiday functions for work or family. A sense of ‛we' and still a sense of individuality. Not a single unit, but a partnership that has a force of unity driving it. The person who not only calls you on what you still need to work on, but helps you with that process.

Your balance. Your sounding board. The opinion that matters most. Your emergency contact. The person you kiss goodnight. Every night. Your family. Your shining light at the end of a dark day. The heart that's strong enough to shelter your hopes and dreams and protects you from your fears.

The heart that houses your heart. Because it wants to.

Someone who is yours. Because he wants to be. And so he is.

Holiday Listing

Oh people.. have you noticed that the holiday madness has begun?! I've only witnessed a handful of jewelry commercials thus far, but already, I'm nauseaus not only from their jingles but the continuous pressure of their philosophy that you are simply not loved enough - ergo at all - UNLESS someone gives you diamonds! That, in turn, accompanies the other school of thought that you can't possibly prove your love for someone unless you buy them diamonds as well. And we aren't talking cubic zirconia my friends. No, no we are not.

Also, I was driving up Queen Anne hill Monday night and I saw not one, not two, but THREE fully decorated and lit CHRISTMAS TREES in windows! WTF? Do they not know the rule? Are they new?? I don't get it. It isn't even Thanksgiving yet! You just don't put out your tree til the day after and that's at the earliest. I mean.. of all the nerve.. skewing the whole established process. Clearly these people have too much time on their hands because I have a tree too! I do. You all saw it last year. It's tiny and silver and made of like.. aluminum or something cuz it bends and it's just wee, but I haven't put it out, which would take all of 6.3 seconds including decoration, because IT'S JUST WRONG.. and, well.. I have no time to do anything like that. I'm even behind on blogging and blog reading, which of course, is the more important of these tasks.. but STILL! THE OUTRAGE! THE TRAGEDY OF IT ALL!

So I am taking it one day at a time and not jumping to December 25th before the turkey's even carved this week. However, it's not like I'm not being realistic about it. I do know there are only three paychecks before Christmas, which means since I've not done any shopping ahead of time, that a little frugality will have to be employed - also, I just decided I'm giving my mother cash. She can't stick that in a closet for a year and never wear it, right? Or leave it in the envelope it came in and forget about it after it's left or lost in a drawer somewhere like any of the many gift certificates I've given her for spa treatments, manicures, etc. Oh no. Cash talks. Cash walks. It practically slaps you in the face with its screaming of 'I'm the best present EVER!'

I sort of wish everyone was like my grandmother tho. She's always telling us not to get her anything because she's old and will die soon. Um.. thanks Gram. That's.. cheery.

So because the holiday is approaching, I thought a list would be appropriate because honestly, I barely have time to pack and get going on this eternal drive south I have to do tonight. I also had a date Monday night after I went to the gym, which was vital to my plan of attempting to counteract all the eating and not moving that is also planned this weekend. Loren and I had a best friend belated birthday date where we ate all the best fish in the whole wide world so lovingly prepared at my friend, Dan's, restaurant, Matt's In The Market and since we never spend time together unless I force him to share birthday parties with me, we languished over decadent food and good conversations.

And here we are today, where I have to mentally prepare myself to spend Five. Whole. Days. with my family and all their little dogs.. and shopping at the crack-of-ass dawn the day after thru manic crowds of people buying unnecessary things, waving their credit cards like zombies.. Ok.. that might be a little bit fun, especially if I come back with a cute little sweater number or something for me. Seriously, baby needs a new turtleneck.

Ok.. ANYWAY. Listing.. Go!

* Boys boys and more boys. Liking a couple, trying not to fall for one specifically and hoping I can live in the moment a bit longer.. but egads, it's tough when you'd rather have one person all to yourself because it's certainly not unreasonable to think you deserve someone who knows what he wants and part of that is him wanting only you. I hate being that girl who's waiting. Pfffft. That's how I feel about that.

* Work has been stressful in uber amounts. Not enough people, not enough time, everything rushed. My boss is frustrating, change is hard, and I have no idea how these new positions are going to improve anything. No one believes it will. I guess we'll see come December 1st when the re-org hits. I'm bracing myself. I am braced.

* Do you know that Shine is the best baker on the planet? You probably don't. But I'm going to tell you. She made two loaves of banana bread last week and ohmygod. Seriously, best I've ever had. She, of course, thought it bland and in need of nutmeg. I denounced that idea right there, I did! I bet her baking skills alone could bring about world peace. I mean, really, how can you bomb a building when you're sitting there raving about baked goods? I ask you..

* I was just wondering.. what do you think Britney will be thankful for this year? That she was one of the only celebrities who didn't end up in jail? But just barely.

* I bet you can't guess how many movies I'm going to be forced to watch this weekend. I bet you can't.. so I'll help you. My guess is.. 73. This includes every animated feature by Disney and Pixar most likely. True story. The damn tv is on all the time at Mom's house and with all the family there and 85 kids and grandkids and someone else's kids it will be unavoidable. If I go blind by the end of this weekend, you'll know why.

* Cheese, wine and bread are pretty much my winter staples. Do you know these are fattening? This should be against the law. Who do I have to write? Who do I email? Is there a congressman or a senator? Maybe one who's preferably drunk and chewing on a bit of olive bread with brie on it? I'm just saying.

* Ok ok. I guess I should list what I'm thankful for, but I sort of did it on my birthday post: My friends (you all know who you are - and most don't read this blog anyway.. ahem), my family, a roof over my head, my cute kitty, the love I feel around me, the ability to give that love back freely, the perspective to keep seeing my mistakes and trying to prevent how I can stop making them in the first place, my fabulous new roomie, Shine and her dog, Moo, and um.. bread, wine and cheese! What? I'm thankful for them so very much! I really am!

I hope you all have a wonderful holiday weekend filled with family and friends and fantastic food. I will raise a spoonful of my cranberry sauce in toast to you all!

Curtain Call

So the first week of 36 has been a whirlwind of activity. I've come home exhausted every night this week from something and the days have been long and filled with fantasies of napping. Seriously.

Birthday recovery evolved to a a night out on the town on Tuesday to see Into The Woods with Shine, that tho it's our favorite musical, was only a lukewarm production. That touch of disappointment was quickly replaced with a high level of stress and almost tears while trying to create programs for MonoLodge III, the show I'm producing for Unicycle, which in turn did nothing to prevent the combo rush of adrenaline and anger over a co-worker's nose-butting where it didn't belong and consequently a very long discussion with HR today. Yes, aren't you just exhausted from reading about it? Yet, the bonus - and I mean that literally - is that there will be a promotion with a subsequent title change, the programs turned out beautifully with only one teensy misspelling of someone's name, but Shine helped me get them done for free - a double good thing - and the rest of the weekend is looking rather hopeful.

The show opens tonight amidst much excitement. I've no doubt it's going to be a success because it's already run smoother than the last two they've put together. I had a lovely chat with one of the founders last night about how they'd like me to continue to be involved, produce again if I'd like, and how we should all sit down to discuss future roles and ideas and actually, what I'd like to see come out of it for me. It's been a long time since someone asked me what I wanted - really wanted - out of something.. and I didn't have an answer at the time, but it felt really good to be asked.

I also reached a very comfortable understanding with all the over-thinking I was doing regarding all these boys. I really did just forget how to live moment to moment and once I stopped freaking out remembered, things sort of fell into a lovely space of getting to know the two men who currently have my curiosity piqued.

Boris and I started out as friends, but we had a fairly magnetic chemistry from the second we met back in March. We had no choice but to be friends if we wanted to know each other because he wasn't single at the time and tho we did hang out, friendship was all it was. So when that relationship did actually end, to my surprise, there was a bit of confusion and drunken evenings and space taken til I finally just decided that I'd rather be with him however we could figure it out than not at all. So because of all that, I think we're a pretty natural couple. There's a great sense of just genuinely liking each other. I make him laugh. He brings me zen. That seems to bode well so far.

The Actor and I met thru mutual theatre friends.. very casually a few different times after various improv shows, drinks in hand. A few Facebook messages here and there and there I was out with him on a date and tho I wasn't sure he was exactly my type, he was suddenly cute, new.. kind.. but kind of just friendly. After a few more of these, I finally just had to ask if we were really dating cuz honestly, I wasn't sure. He, of course, confirmed that we were so I had a better idea. But he's busier than I am and we aren't seeing each other very often. It forces patience, which = good, tho it does keep us from getting to know each other in a more steadier fashion. When we do see each other, we have a good time, but it's just different than time with Boris. The Actor and I aren't yet as close, but who knows how that will change in time.

Both the men in my life as well as my group of friends completely spoiled me for my birthday. I felt wrapped in a glowing circle of love and affection like I haven't felt in years. I couldn't stop smiling. There was candlelight and drinks at the party, cake that was none like you've ever tasted - Loren had to get one each for both of us, carrot for him and Mexican chocolate for me - many drinks and many pictures. Then there was a dash downtown for some last-minute seats to improv which had the remainder of the party goers ending the night in laughter. The next night The Actor took me to a lovely dinner where we never actually ordered anything. It just all arrived at the table because he knew the semolier. It was rather glorious. Boris is also taking me to one of my favorite plays, Rosencrantz & Guildenstern Are Dead, next week.

I am constantly noticing how as I get older I'm more and more aware of every passing minute, of everything I still have yet to work on, of how things actually are sort of coming together - career, creativity, comfort, a sense of identity.. love. I feel like I'm making better choices, not stumbling so much, and trying to appreciate every little thing I can - friends, family, events, memories made. I've always been detailed, as you all have to know, but as I try to take in everything going on, I find it's sometimes harder to let go of them too. I hope I look back when I'm old and gray and recognize that I really lived, I really loved with everything I had, and I truly know who I am. I think I'm finally on the path that will get me there.. and it feels really good.

36 Happens

Hey you guys - um.. guess what? Did you know you can't stay 35 forever? Ok, well, I knew it too. Just testing you.

So hey, the last year has gone so fast.. hasn't it? Is it true that as you get older, time goes by faster? Or do you just forget that time actually passed?

Anyway.. HI! I was born THIS DAY! Let's focus on that! MY BIRTHDAY! YAY!

And over the course of this year.. I've learned stuff, right? I think I have.. so let's recap maybe.

* Last fall, Boz, my last ex, and I weren't even friends. Now we are. Pretty decent ones, actually. Not for lack of effort, that's for sure. But we chat, have fun together, celebrate birthdays. I like it. I think that's improvement.

* Jump to this last spring when a close girlfriend emailed me and told me we couldn't be friends anymore for reasons still unknown to me.. and in about 10 minutes, I learned how to instantly stop caring for someone I dearly loved.

* I took a trip to Black Rock City, Nevada for Burning Man with my good friend, Pixie. Something I really wasn't sure I'd ever do in my life, but she inspired me, tolerated me, made me feel a bit brave and a lot more proud of myself for camping an entire week in a dusty lake bed. It opened my eyes to new things and new people and gave us an experience that bonded us closer. I love that we'll always have that.

* There are actually times I don't interrupt people when they're talking - my customers, my friends.. I know! It's crazy! And shockingly, I'm not sure anyone has noticed.

* Unbelievably, other than the second point, and I let that go the moment I knew it was gone, there's been little to no drama this entire year. In fact, I know of some drama I was indirectly involved in and I actually stayed out of it! Yup, I know. You can pick your mouths up from off the floor now.

* In addition to not interrupting as much, I listen better, I'm more positive, I feel stronger and sometimes even smarter. I kick ass at Scrabble these days.

* I made two major purchases last year that made me so happy: My Mac that I LOOOOOVE and has consequently caused much more computer-addiction, but that's ok. I'm a COMMUNICATOR! It was necessary. Also, there was a shocking wake up call and a sad goodbye to the severely destroyed Focus due to last year's winter storm in December but that only led to the purchase of my current beauty, my shiny and zoom zoomy Mazda 3 that I love love love. We call her Miss Daisy because I drive her. She rocks.

* I'm not a lot closer with my family than I used to be, but it's better and it's so nice to see them so much happier these last years than they have been. Or maybe it's the way we're treating each other. I think we're all becoming friends and it's a nice transition.

* I'm a lot more comfortable with myself these days - with my goofiness, my body, my emotional capacity. I'm more myself now than I was last year - than any year before - calmer in some ways, happier in others. I accept not everyone will take to liking me, loving me, having any affinity for me whatsoever a lot more readily than I used to. Hey.. I'm not everyone's cup of tea.. and that's really ok. That kind of popularity's a bitch.

* I watched my niece, Lulu, turn 1 and start to look more like her mother every day as she demolished her birthday cake and wiped it all over her party dress. She walks now and last time I saw her, she walked right over to me and motioned for me to pick her up and sit her in my lap. My heart grows two sizes every time she smiles at me.

* I feel blessed. I have great friends, a great new roommate and a happy home, a job that isn't sucking the life out of me and in which I may be promoted in a month, enough affection to keep me smiling and secure and feeling a sense of being cared for.

* Also this morning, Miss Shine got up before me, which was unusual, I got in the shower and when I came out, there was a bouquet of daisies on the table and four big mylar balloons - three stars and a bigger silver one that says 'Happy Birthday' waiting for me. Um.. also also, there maybe even were Cinnabon cinnamon rolls in the oven! FOR ME! THEN she served one up, all toasty warm with a candle in it and sang me her family's special birthday song! Aren't you frickin jealous?! You still can't have her, in case you forgot. I think she might be one of the best birthday gifts this year.

I've lived this year. A lot more ups than downs, which I think depends on how you look at it all. This was a pretty good year. Mostly, I remember smiling a lot.

So I'll officially be 36 at 10:58pm tonight and will raise a plastic glass filled with something alcoholic just before Spin The Bottle starts, where my friends and I will be tonight, and I'll wish myself another good year that doesn't fall in my lap, but rather that I make happen. I did it this year. I consciously asked the universe to provide happiness and strength, but I made a deal that if the opportunities were presented, good or bad, I would roll with either and make lemonade out of the lemons, find the silver lining in the dark clouds.. or any other cliché as long as the universe worked with me and not against me. Course it could've just been that my perspective changed a little too.

That's right people.. it's called growth. Whoo hoo! I'll take another year of that please!