The last few posts have been rather heavy so while checking out another fellow blogger I found in Australia, whom I discovered links to moi (Yes! So exciting!), I found this little quiz. I've blatantly stolen it (Thank you pomgirl! Don't be mad, ok? Please?) and filled it out from my perspective. Packing will have to begin again tomorrow. Blech.
Four Jobs you’ve had in your life:
Barista - ooh.. I make a mean mocha people..
Recruiter at a temp agency
Receptionist for a market research company
Babysitter
Four movies you could watch over and over:
Chicago
The Princess Bride
The Royal Tenenbaums
The Breakfast Club
Four places you’ve lived:
Ashland, Oregon
Ski, Norway
Lincoln City, Oregon
Seattle, Washington
Four TV shows you love to watch:
Lost
Alias
Grey's Anatomy
Desperate Housewives
Forever:
Seinfeld
Six Feet Under
Friends
Will & Grace
Four places you’ve been on vacation:
Hawaii
Disneyland
San Francisco/Sonoma
The Grand Canyon
Four websites you visit daily:
Yahoo
Myspace
Tribe
Craigslist
Four of your favorite foods:
chocolate
hummus (the kind I make is the best!)
macaroni and cheese w/ feta, tuna, and peas (Don't give me that face.. it rocks!)
burritoes (I also kick ass at these too.)
Four places you’d rather be:
Somewhere warm
Paris
Vancouver, BC
With him
Four bestest albums:
Imogen Heap - Speak For Yourself (I can't stop listening to this one right now)
Fiona Apple - Extraordinary Machine
Rachael Yamagata - Happenstance
KT Tunstall - Eye To The Telescope
Four bestest books:
Catcher In the Rye - J.D. Salinger
Me Talk Pretty One Day - David Sedaris
Lamb, The Gospel According to Biff, Christ's Childhood Pal - Christopher Moore
Memoirs Of A Geisha - Arthur Golden
Four favourite items of clothing (added by pomgirl):
My Old Navy velour grey sweats.. mm..
My new black and white striped arm warmers complete with little holes for my thumbs
My 7 For All Mankind jeans - really good butt jeans people
My Garage cargo pants
Ok.. your turn!
Nite all! *yaaaaaaaaawn*
Saturday, January 28, 2006
Monday, January 23, 2006
The road to recovery is paved with ice cream
What hasn't gone on over this last week or so? Well, Hell apparently froze over cuz the Seahawks are going to the Superbowl.. *yawn*.. I know, I know.. so sue me cuz I have absolutely no interest in football whatsoever. Nope.. I really really don't. I'd rather do math than watch a game.. while getting a root canal.. with NO anesthetic! Yes, really!
Anyway.. back to me..
My week has been filled with some days of bustling and positive energy and others that are a little more challenging to get thru. My friends have not stopped checking in tho and keep inviting me out to all kinds of random events so we multi-task the necessary healing. They get my mind off feeling like a self-pitying racehorse with a broken leg and we get a lot of catching up accomplished as we most likely haven't seen each other in a while. This is a big deal to me. My friends are a social group with full lives of dating or plans with significant others, plays to direct, bars to open, children to look after, other friends to see, businesses to run, etc., and so far, almost every day one of them has still managed to make time with me just to remind me they care and this will get easier eventually.
But even with all the looking after, I can't believe I forgot my favorite remedy of all time - ice cream. Seriously, there's a direct correlation of break up woe to how much ice cream is ingested. When Kari and I were going thru any heartache in high school and college, the simplest solution to feeling better was an entire pint of Haagen-Dazs ice cream. I can't imagine eating a whole pint now like I did back then, but early last week, I made a dent. I'd say I'm still due about another half pint but I'm pacing it out. And they didn't have Deep Chocolate Peanut Butter, which curtailed the initial excitement. I settled for Ben & Jerry's Phish Food, which is more like 1st runner up than 2nd place, and no, in ice cream ratings, that's not the same thing.. so pfffft..
Food, in general, hasn't really been excluded at all. Break ups usually entail some time where food doesn't matter cuz I can't eat at all and I drop a little weight. This one is no exception having lost about four pounds the first week, but I think I've more than made up for it. This week alone I may have ingested my weight in cheese and chocolate. Wednesday was a gourmet dinner with my beautiful friend, Lucine, and dessert was this to-die-for molten chocolate cake that I couldn't finish so do you think I let them waste my chocolatey goodness? Oh I soooo did not.. they boxed up that little bugger and I indulged after lunch the next day. Ahh.. wish I could've done the same thing with the wine. It was lovely. Thursday was dinner at The Melting Pot, a fondue restaurant, with a customer who wanted to take all his 'telecom ladies' out. He brought his associate, Collin, who was adorable eye-candy and while my co-workers cooed over how they thought he certainly liked me (it's possible, but I think it was just cuz I was the only person near his age of 26 being the second youngest in the group myself), I barely stopped to take a breath between bites (yes, I'm sure that was a BIG turn on). This also included an excruciatingly decadent chocolate martini in a caramel-laced martini glass. Um.. two.. to be exact. Yes. Friday was dinner with my two best friends, Loren and Fatima, and dear God, Loren went to town pulling tapas items out of his favorite cookbooks for all of us and when we were done with the smoked salmon lettuce cups, gouda-filled wild mushroom risotto balls, and a layered potato, vegetable, and gouda gratin number, there was still dessert to be had, which was my second molten chocolate cake for the week! But homemade by moi!! AAAAAND there was still enough food left over to feed a small third-world country or at least three sumo wrestlers. Good thing Fatima is pregnant and is eating for two.
As I ended my Friday on that culinary note, I had high hopes for the weekend and how I'd manage my time, but the distractions of packing and house-hunting aren't the same as the 8-5 nose-to-the-grindstone pace I have in the office during the week. There's a lot more time to sit and think, obsess and mope, and thus, drive myself a bit mad. But really, the packing should be plenty to do.. and what a neat idea to oh.. I don't know.. maybe START doing it since I have about 8 DAYS in which to get it done.. but I find myself putting in only the minimum time on that and searching for a new residence while the rest is spent amongst friends and others lest I go stir-crazy from a couple of hours alone. And even that comes with its own complications.
Saturday afternoon was spent with the ex's best friend, Jen, and her friends for a clothing swap. I rid myself of four huge bags of clothes and shoes, but did return with one, tho on the small side, of new-to-me items, which made me a cute sort of happy. And really, I felt pretty strong the whole time til near the end, boy came up in conversation - and he should. Jen has a life that often includes him cuz they're best friends and she shouldn't have to worry about what she says in her own house just cuz I'm there.. but the smallest mention only a few times was just too much for the new-clothes-for-me happy and any upper hand I thought my logical side had over the emotional was quickly strong-armed into surrender. Luckily, we were wrapping it up cuz I knew I'd hit my limit. I was a whimpering mess by the time I got home.
That sort of sucked so I kicked myself in the ass and voila - my night improved! I joined up with friends for a midnight improv theatre performance, drank to the point I was glad I wasn't driving, and reveled in the feeling of temporary bliss all that gave me. One friend inparticular, Blake, who's just so fucking cute I want to put him in my pocket and take him home, is also back in the world of singledom again and there was a healthy combination of laughter, flirting, and ego-boosting going on between us that brightened my mood so much I wondered what the hell I was upset about earlier. I swear, these days, I'm practically bi-polar. I know.. don't you want to hang out with ME?? Whoo hoo - a laugh a minute.. and if not THIS minute.. for sure the NEXT! But the attention made a difference.. it's what I needed.
The self-psycho-analyzing is going pretty well. I should be a shrink. I should be YOUR shrink.. no? Of course self-treatment has proven tougher. Brandon-Two has expressed confusion over this new irrational jealousy I'm suddenly cursed with when he tells me about the girls he's pursuing. What is up with that?! We are friends. And that's all I want.. except.. oh, his undivided attention apparently. How's that for sending mixed messages.. ? Poor guy. I mean, I'm more boy-crazy than I think I ever have been in my life and tho I've unhidden the dating profiles online, I'm not sure why I did it. The attention, I suppose, is providing me validation of my worth, which, uh.. hi.. can't be healthy.. right? Why do I need someone's attention to maintain a positive self-esteem? I don't actually.. but just maybe right now.. I sort of do. Besides, if I do go out with someone - or four, what's the harm in a little talk over a little dinner? A girl has to eat.. and having company with whom I can do that isn't a crime. I mean, fuck.. I'm heartbroken. Not dead.
I do know the dangers of rebounding tho. That's not what I'm looking for, but if something happens that wasn't expected, I can't say I'd turn it down if I was interested - depending on the situation of course. Human touch is necessary to life.. babies die without it.. and I'm a physical person so if it's not a crutch that's used to excess, honestly, I don't see any harm in indulging as long as the complications due to another person's involvement are minimal.. and you recognize it is what it is and exactly what purpose it's serving. My only worry is that when you start something like this, that healing sense of touch can be addictive and if it's someone you know well and you're not exactly in the best place after a break up, they can sometimes be substituted for the one who's left you. This obviously can lead to all kinds of misunderstandings and confusion.. and that's what I'm trying to avoid. My hurt currently doesn't affect anyone but me and I'd like to keep it that way. I need to get out of this hole I've created.. not expand the square footage.
And with that.. I've segued you to a more positive note - my new roommate! His name is Mel. And Mel is great! He's funny, big brother-ish (if my mom had birthed him at 14 and if she was African-American.. but whatever.. details..), very manly and 40 to boot - not that he looks it. AND he knows all the needed electrical ways and means of hooking up a tv, dvd player, and stereo.. and these are VERY important things.. this gadgety-fun stuff guys like that give me stomach pain just from the idea of trying to hook in all the thing-a-ma-bobs to the whatsitcalled. I usually have to ask a male friend over once I've moved into a new place and with the offending wires and deely-bobs in hand I say, 'Pleeeeeeeeeeeaaaaaaase.. just make it work.. *sniff sniff*' looking ever so un-turn-downable whilst I give them my best puppy-dog look ever.. which has never failed me. Beer never hurts either. Men are pretty easy.. sometimes.
Well.. another week has begun and the move-out countdown is now in the single digits. Don't think this isn't stressing me out.. cuz um.. yeah.. it so is.. but um.. Mel has faith! Mel is NOT worried.. no he is not! And tho I have yet to be reassured.. um.. I'm hopeful - in ALL matters this week.. Yes! Yes I am!
*saying things with gusto at least makes me feel like I'm on the right track..*
So y'all wish me luck on the house-hunt cuz you know.. it only takes one good place, right? And if you find oh.. I don't know.. some extra money just.. you know, coming out your ass.. maybe send over some movers.. ok?? Yeah.. that'd be great! Mwah!
Anyway.. back to me..
My week has been filled with some days of bustling and positive energy and others that are a little more challenging to get thru. My friends have not stopped checking in tho and keep inviting me out to all kinds of random events so we multi-task the necessary healing. They get my mind off feeling like a self-pitying racehorse with a broken leg and we get a lot of catching up accomplished as we most likely haven't seen each other in a while. This is a big deal to me. My friends are a social group with full lives of dating or plans with significant others, plays to direct, bars to open, children to look after, other friends to see, businesses to run, etc., and so far, almost every day one of them has still managed to make time with me just to remind me they care and this will get easier eventually.
But even with all the looking after, I can't believe I forgot my favorite remedy of all time - ice cream. Seriously, there's a direct correlation of break up woe to how much ice cream is ingested. When Kari and I were going thru any heartache in high school and college, the simplest solution to feeling better was an entire pint of Haagen-Dazs ice cream. I can't imagine eating a whole pint now like I did back then, but early last week, I made a dent. I'd say I'm still due about another half pint but I'm pacing it out. And they didn't have Deep Chocolate Peanut Butter, which curtailed the initial excitement. I settled for Ben & Jerry's Phish Food, which is more like 1st runner up than 2nd place, and no, in ice cream ratings, that's not the same thing.. so pfffft..
Food, in general, hasn't really been excluded at all. Break ups usually entail some time where food doesn't matter cuz I can't eat at all and I drop a little weight. This one is no exception having lost about four pounds the first week, but I think I've more than made up for it. This week alone I may have ingested my weight in cheese and chocolate. Wednesday was a gourmet dinner with my beautiful friend, Lucine, and dessert was this to-die-for molten chocolate cake that I couldn't finish so do you think I let them waste my chocolatey goodness? Oh I soooo did not.. they boxed up that little bugger and I indulged after lunch the next day. Ahh.. wish I could've done the same thing with the wine. It was lovely. Thursday was dinner at The Melting Pot, a fondue restaurant, with a customer who wanted to take all his 'telecom ladies' out. He brought his associate, Collin, who was adorable eye-candy and while my co-workers cooed over how they thought he certainly liked me (it's possible, but I think it was just cuz I was the only person near his age of 26 being the second youngest in the group myself), I barely stopped to take a breath between bites (yes, I'm sure that was a BIG turn on). This also included an excruciatingly decadent chocolate martini in a caramel-laced martini glass. Um.. two.. to be exact. Yes. Friday was dinner with my two best friends, Loren and Fatima, and dear God, Loren went to town pulling tapas items out of his favorite cookbooks for all of us and when we were done with the smoked salmon lettuce cups, gouda-filled wild mushroom risotto balls, and a layered potato, vegetable, and gouda gratin number, there was still dessert to be had, which was my second molten chocolate cake for the week! But homemade by moi!! AAAAAND there was still enough food left over to feed a small third-world country or at least three sumo wrestlers. Good thing Fatima is pregnant and is eating for two.
As I ended my Friday on that culinary note, I had high hopes for the weekend and how I'd manage my time, but the distractions of packing and house-hunting aren't the same as the 8-5 nose-to-the-grindstone pace I have in the office during the week. There's a lot more time to sit and think, obsess and mope, and thus, drive myself a bit mad. But really, the packing should be plenty to do.. and what a neat idea to oh.. I don't know.. maybe START doing it since I have about 8 DAYS in which to get it done.. but I find myself putting in only the minimum time on that and searching for a new residence while the rest is spent amongst friends and others lest I go stir-crazy from a couple of hours alone. And even that comes with its own complications.
Saturday afternoon was spent with the ex's best friend, Jen, and her friends for a clothing swap. I rid myself of four huge bags of clothes and shoes, but did return with one, tho on the small side, of new-to-me items, which made me a cute sort of happy. And really, I felt pretty strong the whole time til near the end, boy came up in conversation - and he should. Jen has a life that often includes him cuz they're best friends and she shouldn't have to worry about what she says in her own house just cuz I'm there.. but the smallest mention only a few times was just too much for the new-clothes-for-me happy and any upper hand I thought my logical side had over the emotional was quickly strong-armed into surrender. Luckily, we were wrapping it up cuz I knew I'd hit my limit. I was a whimpering mess by the time I got home.
That sort of sucked so I kicked myself in the ass and voila - my night improved! I joined up with friends for a midnight improv theatre performance, drank to the point I was glad I wasn't driving, and reveled in the feeling of temporary bliss all that gave me. One friend inparticular, Blake, who's just so fucking cute I want to put him in my pocket and take him home, is also back in the world of singledom again and there was a healthy combination of laughter, flirting, and ego-boosting going on between us that brightened my mood so much I wondered what the hell I was upset about earlier. I swear, these days, I'm practically bi-polar. I know.. don't you want to hang out with ME?? Whoo hoo - a laugh a minute.. and if not THIS minute.. for sure the NEXT! But the attention made a difference.. it's what I needed.
The self-psycho-analyzing is going pretty well. I should be a shrink. I should be YOUR shrink.. no? Of course self-treatment has proven tougher. Brandon-Two has expressed confusion over this new irrational jealousy I'm suddenly cursed with when he tells me about the girls he's pursuing. What is up with that?! We are friends. And that's all I want.. except.. oh, his undivided attention apparently. How's that for sending mixed messages.. ? Poor guy. I mean, I'm more boy-crazy than I think I ever have been in my life and tho I've unhidden the dating profiles online, I'm not sure why I did it. The attention, I suppose, is providing me validation of my worth, which, uh.. hi.. can't be healthy.. right? Why do I need someone's attention to maintain a positive self-esteem? I don't actually.. but just maybe right now.. I sort of do. Besides, if I do go out with someone - or four, what's the harm in a little talk over a little dinner? A girl has to eat.. and having company with whom I can do that isn't a crime. I mean, fuck.. I'm heartbroken. Not dead.
I do know the dangers of rebounding tho. That's not what I'm looking for, but if something happens that wasn't expected, I can't say I'd turn it down if I was interested - depending on the situation of course. Human touch is necessary to life.. babies die without it.. and I'm a physical person so if it's not a crutch that's used to excess, honestly, I don't see any harm in indulging as long as the complications due to another person's involvement are minimal.. and you recognize it is what it is and exactly what purpose it's serving. My only worry is that when you start something like this, that healing sense of touch can be addictive and if it's someone you know well and you're not exactly in the best place after a break up, they can sometimes be substituted for the one who's left you. This obviously can lead to all kinds of misunderstandings and confusion.. and that's what I'm trying to avoid. My hurt currently doesn't affect anyone but me and I'd like to keep it that way. I need to get out of this hole I've created.. not expand the square footage.
And with that.. I've segued you to a more positive note - my new roommate! His name is Mel. And Mel is great! He's funny, big brother-ish (if my mom had birthed him at 14 and if she was African-American.. but whatever.. details..), very manly and 40 to boot - not that he looks it. AND he knows all the needed electrical ways and means of hooking up a tv, dvd player, and stereo.. and these are VERY important things.. this gadgety-fun stuff guys like that give me stomach pain just from the idea of trying to hook in all the thing-a-ma-bobs to the whatsitcalled. I usually have to ask a male friend over once I've moved into a new place and with the offending wires and deely-bobs in hand I say, 'Pleeeeeeeeeeeaaaaaaase.. just make it work.. *sniff sniff*' looking ever so un-turn-downable whilst I give them my best puppy-dog look ever.. which has never failed me. Beer never hurts either. Men are pretty easy.. sometimes.
Well.. another week has begun and the move-out countdown is now in the single digits. Don't think this isn't stressing me out.. cuz um.. yeah.. it so is.. but um.. Mel has faith! Mel is NOT worried.. no he is not! And tho I have yet to be reassured.. um.. I'm hopeful - in ALL matters this week.. Yes! Yes I am!
*saying things with gusto at least makes me feel like I'm on the right track..*
So y'all wish me luck on the house-hunt cuz you know.. it only takes one good place, right? And if you find oh.. I don't know.. some extra money just.. you know, coming out your ass.. maybe send over some movers.. ok?? Yeah.. that'd be great! Mwah!
Friday, January 13, 2006
Apparently, the universe has a plan
Ok.. let's start with that last post.. um.. a bit of a downer. No really, you can be honest. I can take it. But you know letting go = sort of not easy.. and it doesn't have to be a huge dramatic thing. Even the average closing of the door on any 'you and me' idea that ends on a positive note is difficult for at least one person involved.. and yeah, I've certainly had better weeks, but it hasn't been all bad.
Let's start off with a randomly good story first tho.. shall we?
So.. I'm moving. Yes, again - this is a story for another time.. or maybe later this post.. if you're good, and really, that's a big 'if' people.. but seriously, it's fine. Yes, I know I've only been in my current residence for five months.. Let's not get distracted, ok? Stay focused..
Ok, well.. I still have to kind of talk about the moving thing to continue.. but I'll bring you back to the point and you'll see, hopefully, where I'm going with this..
Ideally I'm looking for just one other person to live with cuz I really can't afford to live on my own so I've talked to a couple of people who seemed interested and for specific reasons, just haven't worked out. One girl was really great, but she wanted a place with a bit higher rent to insure she'd get something she loved. Didn't blame her.. if I could afford it, I would've done the same thing. So I reposted the ad and the second time this darling boy answered. Now, I didn't go there.. no I did not. I'm a practical and realistic girl.. well, sometimes.. but get this.. he did. Went there, that is.
We traded myspace links (I swear that fucking site is going to be the death of me.) to get an idea of what the other was all about. Um.. yeah.. I know.. we're ridiculous. That's sooooo all the information about us we needed to know, right? But he seemed like a nice enough guy. He didn't answer my ad to pick me up or get an instant live-in girlfriend. It's not that seedy. But after perusing my profile, he found there were a 'myriad of attractions' (his words) to me and that caused him to rethink this cohabitating idea. And that the idea probably wasn't a good one. No, it was not. And then, surprisingly enough, he told me all this.
Now, you ask, why didn't I laugh and laugh and point and laugh some more and call him crazy? Oh you know me.. a good compliment can last me all week.. especially this week, right? Fragile ego, compassion abounds.. and I like those direct and blunt type guys. Oh yes I do. But I'm nothing if not insistant that even the worst situations should be able to be resolved for the benefit of both parties involved. You at least have to try, right? So I suggested we meet for drinks to see if his theory was correct or if I might be able to persuade him that tho cute, after three months of knowing me, any attraction would be diminished as the latest research study seemed to indicate. Besides that, the pictures of me are possibly just accidentally very good and in person, I'm just a Monet (oh come on.. you know what I mean - far away hot, but close up.. just a bunch of dots.).. again.. NOT that THAT would be the determining factor if we could live together or not, but apparently ugly is ALL the rage for compatible rooming.
His name? No, I'm not going to give you even three guesses. You know why? Come on.. nod your head.. you know why. And BINGO! You have it! Someone give the reader a prize! And, in response to your statement, yes way. It's Brandon. What are the odds, you ask? Um, hi, have we just met? Yeah, I don't do math.. I have no idea.. but pretty damn small if you ask me.
I think he was shocked I responded at all, but he agreed to meet and told me he had a story for me when we did. And wouldn't you know it.. we got along great.. or greatly. Or whatever it was that happened. I wasn't considering sparks cuz my heart's still rather MacGyver'd together with duct tape and a garden hose right now and again, the priority is to focus on what I need, which is to find a new place to live. But there was much fun and storytelling and rehashing of my break up and he related by telling me about his own break up a few months ago with a girl he met by way of (wait for it..) trying to find a place to live (!).
Ok, so he has a tendency to romantically pursue prospective female roommates it seems.. but hey, we all have our issues.. he's also a very good listener and advice giver-outer, his emails are intelligent, quick witted, even a tad cocky, and in person that's all there, but really, he's a big teddy bear who's actually fairly reserved (compared to me, the spastic chihuahua) til he feels a bit more comfortable or is a bit more intoxicated.. whichever comes first.
By the end of the night, there was an obvious mutual affinity, but as I'm not considering anyone romantically at this point, what I saw was the potential for a really good friendship. He did too, however, he still entertained 'ideas' for something else, which also led us back to why we were actually there and we decided he'd need to think it over and get back to me.
The next morning I received a very thoughtful and lengthy email from him beginning with how torn he was feeling, tho still positive we may be able to co-exist pretty happily with just my amazing dishwashing and cooking skills alone combined with his of being the resident spider-killer, bbq magic maker, and all around noise checker-outer and thief/rapist/serial killer stopper. Ahh the perks of living with big, strong men. But by the time he'd reached the end of his monologue, he'd reasoned himself right out of it and concluded the ramifications of any conjoined living, with us being the.. um.. conjoiners, would most likely result in disaster, or at the very least, some serious maiming, and therefore, he wished me well on finding someone else.
So.. pffft.. there went that idea.. but wow, I was very flattered and really appreciated his honesty. But moreover, I couldn't really deny the connection with this random ad-answering second Brandon and we continued to talk throughout the day.
And it started out as a very good day.. and then.. I sort of had a small ocean of depression wash over me....... and oy, the day just became much harder to get thru. So you know what my second-Brandon-in-a-row did?! Suggested we meet for drinks again. And you know what I did?!! Agreed. Wholeheartedly! There's just a very rare comfort in finding a new friend to talk to about all your latest tragedies.. maybe it's that they're so uncontaminated by your life that you have this addictive clean slate with which to work. I like that.
Anyway, there we were again and the company was so nice. He was very sweet and empathetic when I felt the need to release more relationship woes upon him. Then somewhere in the middle of a random bit that included ex-boy's best friends, Jen and Brian, my second-in-a-row Brandon stopped me and asked what these particular friends looked like cuz his ex had two best friends named Brian and Brandon. And.. it just couldn't be.. but when the details started to get more and more specific, our eyes just kept getting wider, and I think 'It's A Small World After All' started playing in our heads VERY loudly. My now Bizarrro-World Brandon was, in fact, the ex of Jen, whom he met six months ago when searching for a new place to live and who happens to be one of the best friends of my former Brandon, who so recently decided to break up with yours truly, who, tho brazenly sexy, which has no purpose in this sentence whatsoever except to boost my own ego, found herself in need of new housing and responding to an email from Bizarro Brandon about maybe needing a roommate and a new place to live.
Phew! Everyone still with me? Did we lose anyone?
We were both reeling with the incestuousness of it all, tho he found it rather humorous and I found it rather sad. There I was.. rejected by two different Brandons within six days of each other. They both found me funny, beautiful, smart, maybe more than dateable, and fun - yet one had decided that tho these were not advantageous qualities for his newest roommate, that other possibilities might be intriguing to ponder.. and the other, having already experienced all of the above and then some, had reduced these charms of sorts that comprise who I am into something 'less than' (tho he would disagree and just call it 'different').. One liked me too much and the other, not enough. Ahh.. my powers are surely fading, but God must've taken pity on me and sent me another Brandon doll to see if I couldn't work some magic with what I have left.. I think He, of all beings, should know what Hell is paved with.. or do you think I need to tell Him?
So is it Fate? It's possible. Is it a strange set of circumstances that led me and Brandon number two circling all around and nearby each other til WHAM! we just inevitably crashed head on? More likely. And, more than anything, I choose to believe that maybe there is this window that's opened ever so slightly when a door is closed and these invisible angels lead in Hope and Wonder to wash over you when you feel like you're broken and that it's going to hurt so much for so terribly long and they've come just to tell you it simply isn't true.. and they arrive in the form of new friends and new opportunities you never expected... and surprisingly, it makes all the difference.
Well kids.. that is my rousing bedtime story for you all. May you all have something to hope for, something to dream, and someone to share it all with. I gotta run. Kevin Bacon is still waiting for me to call.
Let's start off with a randomly good story first tho.. shall we?
So.. I'm moving. Yes, again - this is a story for another time.. or maybe later this post.. if you're good, and really, that's a big 'if' people.. but seriously, it's fine. Yes, I know I've only been in my current residence for five months.. Let's not get distracted, ok? Stay focused..
Ok, well.. I still have to kind of talk about the moving thing to continue.. but I'll bring you back to the point and you'll see, hopefully, where I'm going with this..
Ideally I'm looking for just one other person to live with cuz I really can't afford to live on my own so I've talked to a couple of people who seemed interested and for specific reasons, just haven't worked out. One girl was really great, but she wanted a place with a bit higher rent to insure she'd get something she loved. Didn't blame her.. if I could afford it, I would've done the same thing. So I reposted the ad and the second time this darling boy answered. Now, I didn't go there.. no I did not. I'm a practical and realistic girl.. well, sometimes.. but get this.. he did. Went there, that is.
We traded myspace links (I swear that fucking site is going to be the death of me.) to get an idea of what the other was all about. Um.. yeah.. I know.. we're ridiculous. That's sooooo all the information about us we needed to know, right? But he seemed like a nice enough guy. He didn't answer my ad to pick me up or get an instant live-in girlfriend. It's not that seedy. But after perusing my profile, he found there were a 'myriad of attractions' (his words) to me and that caused him to rethink this cohabitating idea. And that the idea probably wasn't a good one. No, it was not. And then, surprisingly enough, he told me all this.
Now, you ask, why didn't I laugh and laugh and point and laugh some more and call him crazy? Oh you know me.. a good compliment can last me all week.. especially this week, right? Fragile ego, compassion abounds.. and I like those direct and blunt type guys. Oh yes I do. But I'm nothing if not insistant that even the worst situations should be able to be resolved for the benefit of both parties involved. You at least have to try, right? So I suggested we meet for drinks to see if his theory was correct or if I might be able to persuade him that tho cute, after three months of knowing me, any attraction would be diminished as the latest research study seemed to indicate. Besides that, the pictures of me are possibly just accidentally very good and in person, I'm just a Monet (oh come on.. you know what I mean - far away hot, but close up.. just a bunch of dots.).. again.. NOT that THAT would be the determining factor if we could live together or not, but apparently ugly is ALL the rage for compatible rooming.
His name? No, I'm not going to give you even three guesses. You know why? Come on.. nod your head.. you know why. And BINGO! You have it! Someone give the reader a prize! And, in response to your statement, yes way. It's Brandon. What are the odds, you ask? Um, hi, have we just met? Yeah, I don't do math.. I have no idea.. but pretty damn small if you ask me.
I think he was shocked I responded at all, but he agreed to meet and told me he had a story for me when we did. And wouldn't you know it.. we got along great.. or greatly. Or whatever it was that happened. I wasn't considering sparks cuz my heart's still rather MacGyver'd together with duct tape and a garden hose right now and again, the priority is to focus on what I need, which is to find a new place to live. But there was much fun and storytelling and rehashing of my break up and he related by telling me about his own break up a few months ago with a girl he met by way of (wait for it..) trying to find a place to live (!).
Ok, so he has a tendency to romantically pursue prospective female roommates it seems.. but hey, we all have our issues.. he's also a very good listener and advice giver-outer, his emails are intelligent, quick witted, even a tad cocky, and in person that's all there, but really, he's a big teddy bear who's actually fairly reserved (compared to me, the spastic chihuahua) til he feels a bit more comfortable or is a bit more intoxicated.. whichever comes first.
By the end of the night, there was an obvious mutual affinity, but as I'm not considering anyone romantically at this point, what I saw was the potential for a really good friendship. He did too, however, he still entertained 'ideas' for something else, which also led us back to why we were actually there and we decided he'd need to think it over and get back to me.
The next morning I received a very thoughtful and lengthy email from him beginning with how torn he was feeling, tho still positive we may be able to co-exist pretty happily with just my amazing dishwashing and cooking skills alone combined with his of being the resident spider-killer, bbq magic maker, and all around noise checker-outer and thief/rapist/serial killer stopper. Ahh the perks of living with big, strong men. But by the time he'd reached the end of his monologue, he'd reasoned himself right out of it and concluded the ramifications of any conjoined living, with us being the.. um.. conjoiners, would most likely result in disaster, or at the very least, some serious maiming, and therefore, he wished me well on finding someone else.
So.. pffft.. there went that idea.. but wow, I was very flattered and really appreciated his honesty. But moreover, I couldn't really deny the connection with this random ad-answering second Brandon and we continued to talk throughout the day.
And it started out as a very good day.. and then.. I sort of had a small ocean of depression wash over me....... and oy, the day just became much harder to get thru. So you know what my second-Brandon-in-a-row did?! Suggested we meet for drinks again. And you know what I did?!! Agreed. Wholeheartedly! There's just a very rare comfort in finding a new friend to talk to about all your latest tragedies.. maybe it's that they're so uncontaminated by your life that you have this addictive clean slate with which to work. I like that.
Anyway, there we were again and the company was so nice. He was very sweet and empathetic when I felt the need to release more relationship woes upon him. Then somewhere in the middle of a random bit that included ex-boy's best friends, Jen and Brian, my second-in-a-row Brandon stopped me and asked what these particular friends looked like cuz his ex had two best friends named Brian and Brandon. And.. it just couldn't be.. but when the details started to get more and more specific, our eyes just kept getting wider, and I think 'It's A Small World After All' started playing in our heads VERY loudly. My now Bizarrro-World Brandon was, in fact, the ex of Jen, whom he met six months ago when searching for a new place to live and who happens to be one of the best friends of my former Brandon, who so recently decided to break up with yours truly, who, tho brazenly sexy, which has no purpose in this sentence whatsoever except to boost my own ego, found herself in need of new housing and responding to an email from Bizarro Brandon about maybe needing a roommate and a new place to live.
Phew! Everyone still with me? Did we lose anyone?
We were both reeling with the incestuousness of it all, tho he found it rather humorous and I found it rather sad. There I was.. rejected by two different Brandons within six days of each other. They both found me funny, beautiful, smart, maybe more than dateable, and fun - yet one had decided that tho these were not advantageous qualities for his newest roommate, that other possibilities might be intriguing to ponder.. and the other, having already experienced all of the above and then some, had reduced these charms of sorts that comprise who I am into something 'less than' (tho he would disagree and just call it 'different').. One liked me too much and the other, not enough. Ahh.. my powers are surely fading, but God must've taken pity on me and sent me another Brandon doll to see if I couldn't work some magic with what I have left.. I think He, of all beings, should know what Hell is paved with.. or do you think I need to tell Him?
So is it Fate? It's possible. Is it a strange set of circumstances that led me and Brandon number two circling all around and nearby each other til WHAM! we just inevitably crashed head on? More likely. And, more than anything, I choose to believe that maybe there is this window that's opened ever so slightly when a door is closed and these invisible angels lead in Hope and Wonder to wash over you when you feel like you're broken and that it's going to hurt so much for so terribly long and they've come just to tell you it simply isn't true.. and they arrive in the form of new friends and new opportunities you never expected... and surprisingly, it makes all the difference.
Well kids.. that is my rousing bedtime story for you all. May you all have something to hope for, something to dream, and someone to share it all with. I gotta run. Kevin Bacon is still waiting for me to call.
Sunday, January 08, 2006
Babygirl crashes and burns
(Author's note to her subject: Sorry babe - don't know if you'll still be reading my awkwardly crafted sentences or not during this required bit of space-taking til we move on to being 'just friends'.. but know this spilling of my emotional gut is part of my catharsis and I hope you understand.)
He found me on myspace.com in late September or early October. Such a cutie he was though six years younger than me and I thought.. what could he possibly have to say.. but he wasn't the typical younger guy who couldn't put three words together. He was smart, approached me without a come on and then engaged me to meet after a couple weeks of chatting back and forth. I thought, what the hell and I left the house with no expectations, but when I first saw him, he smiled at me and I thought.. hmm.. adorable... and what a great smile. And then we talked. All night. It was easy, he was funny, we created imaginary pets we would share, chihuahuas, Rufus (I named) and Petunia (he named), and then pretended to argue over clothing them (me) or not (him) cuz they do tend to get chilly, but, since Rufus was mainly his, and too manly for any type of sweater in boy's opinion, it was agreed he could wear one but only when he was with me.
The time flew by and before we knew it, it was pretty late for a weeknight out. I hugged him goodbye and he surprised me when he leaned in and kissed me just ever so sweetly. It was lovely and there was a very cute twinkle in his eye that I noticed.. I thought he may be a little bit of trouble, but cute trouble nonetheless..
Dinner and I think a movie made up our second date and tho I think we thought both were marginal, our time together was better than average. Upon making another attempt to see each other is when he told me he'd had a great time, but if I was looking for something serious, we should end it here cuz that's not something he wanted right now. At the time, I was in the midst of my dating experiment and seeing two other people. I wasn't about to get caught up in one person either so it wasn't a big deal to me. That's fine. Serious? Pffft.. who wants that?
He's allergic to cats, among other things, as I've noticed Virgos always are in my experience, so I think there was only one time, early on, he stayed with me in the two-cat house. A valiant effort it was too since Holly's kitty decided to declare war on us at 7:30 am on that fated Sunday morning and peed on the bed with us in it. An unwelcome awakening, boy, half asleep, patiently waited while I attempted to clean up what I could, informed Holly of her baby's infraction, and we grabbed our things to head back to his place so we could finish sleeping in, shell-shocked as we were. From then on, sleepovers were always at his place.
A month and a half had gone by, the other two guys had been let go cuz the connections just weren't there for any of us.. and boy had become the front-runner accidentally. Suddenly I realized I was comparing the others to him.. I caught myself many times being a goofy and dorky girl and thought, wow.. I can really just be myself and it's ok. This is so comfortable. There was also, maybe, some sort of rush happening every time I saw him.. It was still casual, but friends were being introduced, various party dates were being scheduled, lives seemed to be slowly intertwining a bit more.
He liked my spoon ring, the funky shoes that no one else did, and he always said I knew how to get around the city better than anyone he knew. I marveled at his not-gay affinity for musicals and how his hands were always cold.. and there was a level of intimacy created by silly and dirty text messages sent between us. We talked about trips to Vancouver together, toothbrushes and saline solution were left at his place, cute grandpa-type golf caps were borrowed for lengthy periods of time, sick and injured days were addressed with affection and needed care packages, and my favorite, pet names were applied randomly. He became Sparky and I was either Sparkly or later, Babygirl - which I think of as one word cuz it felt like my name and thusly, weakened my knees every time he said it..
As Christmas rolled nearer, we dressed up for parties and he couldn't have been a more perfect date.. he was affectionate and adoring, made sure I was ok at all times at his party, was friendly and entertaining at mine and for me this was special since I haven't had someone to dote on, or vice versa, at holiday time in forever. Since he rather spoiled me by surprising me with paying off the gorgeous dress and necklace I'd put on hold for said holiday parties, I tried my best to spoil him back. One gift was just a scarf to replace the one he'd lost recently and I gave it to him before he left for his trip home to the east coast for Christmas. He's not good at keeping scarves for lengthy amounts of time and he thought for a while he'd lost mine, but it turned up at his father's. Dad sent it back safely. I think that's a record for him for scarf-keeping time and I just thought it was cute.
He was gone for about nine days and we talked a lot, which surprised me. But at some point, we had a heavy conversation about love. It wasn't exactly word for word, but there was enough talking around it for him to know I was feeling it and for me to know he wasn't. And probably wouldn't ever. There was one night tho, his office Christmas party, he almost told me.. but he realized, having too much to drink, he probably shouldn't say something he may not feel except for in that particular moment.. and he was right.. on both counts. I knew that night that I'd fallen for him, but also thought saying anything would be the cause of our demise and I wasn't ready for that yet.
So while he was away, casual chat moved into something serious when I said I wished he could tell me how he felt about me cuz I really didn't know. I don't think there's anything wrong with asking for clarification at times, but this probably wasn't the best choice of opportunities - a totally girly move and I wish now I would've just left it as it was. But we decided to talk about it and tho he didn't feel the way I did, I'm the one who said it was ok.. let's keep going.. why should we ruin something that's practically perfect just cuz we think we should and then be sad after? 99.9% of what we had was great.. we had fun, we were happy, we could be complete goofs together, and the sex was passionate and sweet or sometimes just a flurry of removing clothes as quickly as possible, which cracked us up a lot and that's how it should've been.. it was silly and hot. But the boyfriend/girlfriend label was still just used as a convenience cuz he wasn't interested in being exclusive. He still wanted the option to see other people even tho he wasn't and hadn't since we'd started seeing each other. There just seemed to be a goal he was working on maintaining for himself and whether I understood or not, I thought I should respect that. I thought whatever we had, as nameless as it was, would be enough for me.
New year's was spent on the phone back and forth, laughing at drunkenness throughout the day and figuring out when to call across the timezones. Tho he was at the other end of the country, I still felt like he was close. I missed him and he made the effort to let me know he missed me too and that he was there at whatever midnight we could have together.. even if he was barely standing.
We had a good couple of days together upon his return tho there were times it seemed he was processing everything I was saying and doing into a subconscious checklist that wasn't in my favor. I was getting on his nerves and he blurted out a few things here and there that tho under the strain of being tired or hungry, I thought still held some truth. He apologized right away and he may not have meant them.. but he didn't want this. I could tell. He couldn't deny for much longer he was in a relationship.. open or not.. casual or not so. We'd become a couple by accident and we'd finished the coasting of the honeymoon stage, the plateauing seemed to begin, and a little work would be required to keep us moving. This was his conflict - cuz to work at something would mean it mattered.. not that I didn't, but not to the same degree he mattered to me and he didn't want to confuse me. I think he also wanted the easiness of something casual and at three months into it, we may not have been 'serious', but we weren't casual anymore either. Going backwards just seemed silly to me, but I didn't want it to be over. I started to think we were postponing the inevitable, but I couldn't be the one to pull away.. and I just thought we could last a bit longer than the end of this week, but I was clearly wrong about that. Neither of us could really make the decision right away cuz tho the negative stuff seemed to be looming over us, the positives were still going strong.. they just didn't hold much weight any longer.. and as the night wore on, we both knew he couldn't do this anymore.
I don't know how to write about hurt other than to say I have it, it's disabling at times, leaves me with irritatingly swollen eyes from crying an ocean or two, and I wish it would go. But without it, it would say I never cared and he never mattered and that's hardly the case here. Life continues, it is what it is, and I believe strongly hope always remains. The hard part is feeling the only person who can console you is the one person who's let you go..
I have no regrets. This has been a lovely, lovely three months and tho that's a joke of an amount of time to many people I'm sure, I just know I was really happy for a little while.. and boy deserves a lot of the credit for bringing that to my life. So as he walks away, which was a hard decision, but it's the right one for both of us in the long run, goddamn it, I deserve to mourn us a little.
Three months is still progress for me as far as my dating records as of recent years. And boy is a good guy, really.. he's so many good things, but was remarkably honest, which is so hard to find, ever so positive and patient, just an immensely cute and genuinely good person who was to me, quite disarming. We're in different places and want different things and don't get me wrong, this fuckin hurts right now.. but I'm so glad I met him. I'm glad we tried. That's all you can do. Nothing's ever guaranteed.
In the meantime I know I should be honest about what I want and that I deserve someone who's crazy about me in a way that's so unstoppable that my imperfections and annoying habits are actually endearing. Yes, I know, that's going to be a hard person to find.. don't think I don't know that.. but anything less than that is unacceptable.
My always-always-there-for-me friends, Jen, Fatima, Andrew, Keith, Kari, Kam, Abby, and Loren to name a few, to whom I'm eternally grateful for the unconditional love and support they bestow upon me, keep reminding me it's good to risk and have a heart as big as mine and that I'm perfect the way I am and that I'm incredibly lovable and they know, unlike me, that there's at least one other person, as of yet unknown, but who does exist, who will scream to the rafters that he agrees with them.. one day.
Til then, please excuse me while I get drunk.
He found me on myspace.com in late September or early October. Such a cutie he was though six years younger than me and I thought.. what could he possibly have to say.. but he wasn't the typical younger guy who couldn't put three words together. He was smart, approached me without a come on and then engaged me to meet after a couple weeks of chatting back and forth. I thought, what the hell and I left the house with no expectations, but when I first saw him, he smiled at me and I thought.. hmm.. adorable... and what a great smile. And then we talked. All night. It was easy, he was funny, we created imaginary pets we would share, chihuahuas, Rufus (I named) and Petunia (he named), and then pretended to argue over clothing them (me) or not (him) cuz they do tend to get chilly, but, since Rufus was mainly his, and too manly for any type of sweater in boy's opinion, it was agreed he could wear one but only when he was with me.
The time flew by and before we knew it, it was pretty late for a weeknight out. I hugged him goodbye and he surprised me when he leaned in and kissed me just ever so sweetly. It was lovely and there was a very cute twinkle in his eye that I noticed.. I thought he may be a little bit of trouble, but cute trouble nonetheless..
Dinner and I think a movie made up our second date and tho I think we thought both were marginal, our time together was better than average. Upon making another attempt to see each other is when he told me he'd had a great time, but if I was looking for something serious, we should end it here cuz that's not something he wanted right now. At the time, I was in the midst of my dating experiment and seeing two other people. I wasn't about to get caught up in one person either so it wasn't a big deal to me. That's fine. Serious? Pffft.. who wants that?
He's allergic to cats, among other things, as I've noticed Virgos always are in my experience, so I think there was only one time, early on, he stayed with me in the two-cat house. A valiant effort it was too since Holly's kitty decided to declare war on us at 7:30 am on that fated Sunday morning and peed on the bed with us in it. An unwelcome awakening, boy, half asleep, patiently waited while I attempted to clean up what I could, informed Holly of her baby's infraction, and we grabbed our things to head back to his place so we could finish sleeping in, shell-shocked as we were. From then on, sleepovers were always at his place.
A month and a half had gone by, the other two guys had been let go cuz the connections just weren't there for any of us.. and boy had become the front-runner accidentally. Suddenly I realized I was comparing the others to him.. I caught myself many times being a goofy and dorky girl and thought, wow.. I can really just be myself and it's ok. This is so comfortable. There was also, maybe, some sort of rush happening every time I saw him.. It was still casual, but friends were being introduced, various party dates were being scheduled, lives seemed to be slowly intertwining a bit more.
He liked my spoon ring, the funky shoes that no one else did, and he always said I knew how to get around the city better than anyone he knew. I marveled at his not-gay affinity for musicals and how his hands were always cold.. and there was a level of intimacy created by silly and dirty text messages sent between us. We talked about trips to Vancouver together, toothbrushes and saline solution were left at his place, cute grandpa-type golf caps were borrowed for lengthy periods of time, sick and injured days were addressed with affection and needed care packages, and my favorite, pet names were applied randomly. He became Sparky and I was either Sparkly or later, Babygirl - which I think of as one word cuz it felt like my name and thusly, weakened my knees every time he said it..
As Christmas rolled nearer, we dressed up for parties and he couldn't have been a more perfect date.. he was affectionate and adoring, made sure I was ok at all times at his party, was friendly and entertaining at mine and for me this was special since I haven't had someone to dote on, or vice versa, at holiday time in forever. Since he rather spoiled me by surprising me with paying off the gorgeous dress and necklace I'd put on hold for said holiday parties, I tried my best to spoil him back. One gift was just a scarf to replace the one he'd lost recently and I gave it to him before he left for his trip home to the east coast for Christmas. He's not good at keeping scarves for lengthy amounts of time and he thought for a while he'd lost mine, but it turned up at his father's. Dad sent it back safely. I think that's a record for him for scarf-keeping time and I just thought it was cute.
He was gone for about nine days and we talked a lot, which surprised me. But at some point, we had a heavy conversation about love. It wasn't exactly word for word, but there was enough talking around it for him to know I was feeling it and for me to know he wasn't. And probably wouldn't ever. There was one night tho, his office Christmas party, he almost told me.. but he realized, having too much to drink, he probably shouldn't say something he may not feel except for in that particular moment.. and he was right.. on both counts. I knew that night that I'd fallen for him, but also thought saying anything would be the cause of our demise and I wasn't ready for that yet.
So while he was away, casual chat moved into something serious when I said I wished he could tell me how he felt about me cuz I really didn't know. I don't think there's anything wrong with asking for clarification at times, but this probably wasn't the best choice of opportunities - a totally girly move and I wish now I would've just left it as it was. But we decided to talk about it and tho he didn't feel the way I did, I'm the one who said it was ok.. let's keep going.. why should we ruin something that's practically perfect just cuz we think we should and then be sad after? 99.9% of what we had was great.. we had fun, we were happy, we could be complete goofs together, and the sex was passionate and sweet or sometimes just a flurry of removing clothes as quickly as possible, which cracked us up a lot and that's how it should've been.. it was silly and hot. But the boyfriend/girlfriend label was still just used as a convenience cuz he wasn't interested in being exclusive. He still wanted the option to see other people even tho he wasn't and hadn't since we'd started seeing each other. There just seemed to be a goal he was working on maintaining for himself and whether I understood or not, I thought I should respect that. I thought whatever we had, as nameless as it was, would be enough for me.
New year's was spent on the phone back and forth, laughing at drunkenness throughout the day and figuring out when to call across the timezones. Tho he was at the other end of the country, I still felt like he was close. I missed him and he made the effort to let me know he missed me too and that he was there at whatever midnight we could have together.. even if he was barely standing.
We had a good couple of days together upon his return tho there were times it seemed he was processing everything I was saying and doing into a subconscious checklist that wasn't in my favor. I was getting on his nerves and he blurted out a few things here and there that tho under the strain of being tired or hungry, I thought still held some truth. He apologized right away and he may not have meant them.. but he didn't want this. I could tell. He couldn't deny for much longer he was in a relationship.. open or not.. casual or not so. We'd become a couple by accident and we'd finished the coasting of the honeymoon stage, the plateauing seemed to begin, and a little work would be required to keep us moving. This was his conflict - cuz to work at something would mean it mattered.. not that I didn't, but not to the same degree he mattered to me and he didn't want to confuse me. I think he also wanted the easiness of something casual and at three months into it, we may not have been 'serious', but we weren't casual anymore either. Going backwards just seemed silly to me, but I didn't want it to be over. I started to think we were postponing the inevitable, but I couldn't be the one to pull away.. and I just thought we could last a bit longer than the end of this week, but I was clearly wrong about that. Neither of us could really make the decision right away cuz tho the negative stuff seemed to be looming over us, the positives were still going strong.. they just didn't hold much weight any longer.. and as the night wore on, we both knew he couldn't do this anymore.
I don't know how to write about hurt other than to say I have it, it's disabling at times, leaves me with irritatingly swollen eyes from crying an ocean or two, and I wish it would go. But without it, it would say I never cared and he never mattered and that's hardly the case here. Life continues, it is what it is, and I believe strongly hope always remains. The hard part is feeling the only person who can console you is the one person who's let you go..
I have no regrets. This has been a lovely, lovely three months and tho that's a joke of an amount of time to many people I'm sure, I just know I was really happy for a little while.. and boy deserves a lot of the credit for bringing that to my life. So as he walks away, which was a hard decision, but it's the right one for both of us in the long run, goddamn it, I deserve to mourn us a little.
Three months is still progress for me as far as my dating records as of recent years. And boy is a good guy, really.. he's so many good things, but was remarkably honest, which is so hard to find, ever so positive and patient, just an immensely cute and genuinely good person who was to me, quite disarming. We're in different places and want different things and don't get me wrong, this fuckin hurts right now.. but I'm so glad I met him. I'm glad we tried. That's all you can do. Nothing's ever guaranteed.
In the meantime I know I should be honest about what I want and that I deserve someone who's crazy about me in a way that's so unstoppable that my imperfections and annoying habits are actually endearing. Yes, I know, that's going to be a hard person to find.. don't think I don't know that.. but anything less than that is unacceptable.
My always-always-there-for-me friends, Jen, Fatima, Andrew, Keith, Kari, Kam, Abby, and Loren to name a few, to whom I'm eternally grateful for the unconditional love and support they bestow upon me, keep reminding me it's good to risk and have a heart as big as mine and that I'm perfect the way I am and that I'm incredibly lovable and they know, unlike me, that there's at least one other person, as of yet unknown, but who does exist, who will scream to the rafters that he agrees with them.. one day.
Til then, please excuse me while I get drunk.
Thursday, January 05, 2006
Ah.. resolution time
I realize I've been neglecting the blog updating and for that, my lovely readers - all five of you - I do sincerely apologize. You know how it is with the holidays - December felt very rushed and after the new year celebration, which, ohmygod do I have stuff to write about that, I'm feeling like I want to relax a little. However, I do know I have a writer's responsibilities so tho this will be shorter than usual, I will do my duty.
Below is my list of this year's resolutions for myself. Um.. please note the varying levels of difficulty indicated by the amount of stars to the right of each..
For this new year of 2006 I resolve to:
***** talk less and listen more - keep your comments to yourselves here.
****** be less controlling - uh ditto as above regarding comments, thank you.
** be funnier.. I mean, who doesn't like funny, right? I'm a frickin crack up.
***** stop backseat driving - Brandon doesn't think this is possible. This sounded like a dare, so I'm going to show him. Um.. or try.. well dammit.. turn off the wipers when it's not raining in the garage, ok babe? Help me help you.
**** yell less at the stupid Seattle drivers who should realize we live where it rains 10 months out of the year, but for some reason they still can't drive in the rain anyway.
*** try harder not to get upset when you suggest a plan and someone says, 'Hey, that's a good plan, let's go with that,' and then confuse them cuz you suggested the plan to make them happy and they are happy about it.. maybe too happy.. and that confuses you for some unknown reason so you confuse them extra by getting upset that they liked your plan... then, after some thinking, you have to call them back and say what a freak you are now that you've realized the plan actually really is a good one and oh by the way, you're crazy, but if they could look past that small small quirk, you'd be greatly appreciative.. and um.. you're happy the plan is good. Yes. Period.
****** be less crazy.
oh and last but not least..
*********** stop biting my nails.. as in ew.. cuz if you knew what exactly was under your nails.. girrrrrrrrrl.. but um, this is so hard.. like 34 years worth of hard.. ugh. And don't suggest that nasty tasting nail polish.. dude, I had braces for 4 1/2 years.. I figured how to bite my nails with those on.. it's a desperate situation.
There. That's all I can think of at this time. I think that's plenty for a 12-month period.. don't you? I don't really believe in resolutions anyway, but I would like to do my part to try to be a better person in general so putting these in writing may help me along a little bit more cuz now they're out there for the world to see so I sorta have to follow thru. If I can accomplish these, it's a testament to my strength and determination.. and well, if I fail.. know that I had my fingers crossed the whole time anyway.. but hey, it's the thought that counts, right?
Happy (belated) new year everyone!
Below is my list of this year's resolutions for myself. Um.. please note the varying levels of difficulty indicated by the amount of stars to the right of each..
For this new year of 2006 I resolve to:
***** talk less and listen more - keep your comments to yourselves here.
****** be less controlling - uh ditto as above regarding comments, thank you.
** be funnier.. I mean, who doesn't like funny, right? I'm a frickin crack up.
***** stop backseat driving - Brandon doesn't think this is possible. This sounded like a dare, so I'm going to show him. Um.. or try.. well dammit.. turn off the wipers when it's not raining in the garage, ok babe? Help me help you.
**** yell less at the stupid Seattle drivers who should realize we live where it rains 10 months out of the year, but for some reason they still can't drive in the rain anyway.
*** try harder not to get upset when you suggest a plan and someone says, 'Hey, that's a good plan, let's go with that,' and then confuse them cuz you suggested the plan to make them happy and they are happy about it.. maybe too happy.. and that confuses you for some unknown reason so you confuse them extra by getting upset that they liked your plan... then, after some thinking, you have to call them back and say what a freak you are now that you've realized the plan actually really is a good one and oh by the way, you're crazy, but if they could look past that small small quirk, you'd be greatly appreciative.. and um.. you're happy the plan is good. Yes. Period.
****** be less crazy.
oh and last but not least..
*********** stop biting my nails.. as in ew.. cuz if you knew what exactly was under your nails.. girrrrrrrrrl.. but um, this is so hard.. like 34 years worth of hard.. ugh. And don't suggest that nasty tasting nail polish.. dude, I had braces for 4 1/2 years.. I figured how to bite my nails with those on.. it's a desperate situation.
There. That's all I can think of at this time. I think that's plenty for a 12-month period.. don't you? I don't really believe in resolutions anyway, but I would like to do my part to try to be a better person in general so putting these in writing may help me along a little bit more cuz now they're out there for the world to see so I sorta have to follow thru. If I can accomplish these, it's a testament to my strength and determination.. and well, if I fail.. know that I had my fingers crossed the whole time anyway.. but hey, it's the thought that counts, right?
Happy (belated) new year everyone!
Saturday, December 24, 2005
Only two more days
Oh believe it. I'm already counting down. Sorry.. maybe you like your family. Hell, maybe you even love them. Don't get me wrong. I love mine, but I don't in any way like them most of the time... and spending the holidays being around them just seems to remind me of this glaring fact that I forget when I'm in my sassy little world.. oh.. without them.
At the moment I entered the house today I'd apparently interrupted some conversation between my mother and my aunt, which didn't stop with my arrival even tho I hadn't seen anyone since Thanksgiving. In fact, Gram asked about my drive and somewhere in the middle of my story about the MASSIVE AMOUNTS OF STANDING WATER and ALL THE HYDROPLANING that I thought could likely lead to MY OWN PERSONAL AND AGONIZING DEATH that SCARED ME TO THE POINT OF A CRUMBLY GIRLY MESS, Mom didn't even acknowledge I'd walked in the door. Of course immediately after bringing in my things, I literally felt myself regress to a snotty brat of 17, sat on the couch and grabbed the nearest magazine in hopes it might swallow me whole somehow. Or with just my reading skills I could ignore everyone til it was time for dinner.. whichever came first.
Hi! Welcome home!
After another young cousin arrived with her two very chatty children (TWO people.. the girl is just 21! Hellloooo..) and her father, my uncle, the zoning out was a success.
I know.. I'm completely rude.. especially since after they left, we all opened presents with my brother and his wife. That was the fun part and I think most everyone was happy with their gifts - even if I'm convinced Mom will take the really very cute and so soft jacket from me back the first chance she gets. She did feign she liked it for a bit.. that's all I could ask for.. at least she tried. Tho she'll most likely leave it in the bag for three weeks first before she remembers she never tried it on and then she will, but it won't fit and then she'll take it back but maybe leave it in her trunk for another month after that. Did I mention her birthday is also a couple weeks before Christmas? Yes, well.. December is my personal hell when it comes to my mother. Sigh..
Should I even begin with my brother? I'd think not, but I can't really help myself. It started after the holiday movie catch up we usually do, which means watching all the movies I wouldn't have EVER paid to see but Mom seems to think she'll BUY cuz she says it's actually um..cheaper (someone please explain this to me like I'm a 6-year-old), one being Mr. & Mrs. Smith - not nearly as bad as people made it out to be. Not deep or anything, but hey, I enjoyed it.. and The Brothers Grimm - ugh.. bleh! Trash! Get it out now! I wouldn't use this script to clean out Emma's kitty box.. good God.. this was SO bad I was actually annoyed.. I kept telling the tv to shut up.. bad movie, no biscuit!
And when it was FINALLY over.. my life shortened unnecessarily by three painful hours.. the news was reporting some shark attack near Seaside. I simply made a comment after they'd said the man was rushed to the nearby hospital about how he's probably worse off since hospitals on the coast over there - and we lived there for 10 years so we've heard the stories - aren't so great. You know.. someone goes in for appendicitis and comes out sans right foot or something. Oh I don't know all the details.. I heard it as a kid and there was a doctor there named Dr. Hazzard. What the hell does that say? I'll tell you.. nothing good. Pffft!
But then.. my brother had to argue with me. This is our routine when we're in the same house together for times like these and I usually count how long we go til we get into one of these inane discussions. This time = about 6 hours. Record.
Todd: Actually Angel, I personally know two friends who've been saved by the hospitals over there.
Me: For what?
Todd: Shark attacks.
Me: Ok.. whatever *turning back around to the computer where I'm venting oh so creatively and thinking to myself.. oh yes.. ALL your friends are shark attack survivors.. yes yes.. yawn*
Todd: *still going on..I have no idea what he said here*
Me: Ok.. I'm not listening. You can stop talking now.
Todd: *muttering some insult in Russian cuz he thinks he's so smart since he married a Russian girl - who, by the way, I happen to really like - but it doesn't matter cuz he's still my brother and a retard at that*
Me: Um, hello.. it wasn't a personal attack on you, Todd..
Todd: I didn't say it was.
Me: You sure act like it *Interrupted by -
Mom: ALRIGHT, BOTH OF YOU.. KNOCK IT OFF.
*ahem*
So yeah, yesterday I braved two inches of rain that sounds not that bad but it made the roads really, really scary for miles and my arms were so tense from gripping the wheel so tightly and I was so terrified after swerving severely multiple times that I thought I was going to kill myself and many other people, which wouldn't be so nice for all their families or, you know, me.. so I pulled off the nearest exit and when I finally got somewhere I could stop I just broke down and cried. Yes.. hi.. sad moment.. I mean, it was REALLY scary, thank you! But boy called, tried to calm me down, and convinced me to get a hotel and just leave in the morning. This was very good advice. Boy = smart. Well.. boy is many things in addition to smart, but smart comes in so handy when dealing with a cute but borderline hysterical girl.
At this moment, I wish I was back there.. right now. The hotel had waffles. Calls from boy help too.. but nothing can go wrong when you have waffles. Waffles make everything better.
Ok - really.. last time.. happy family time to all of you.. and um.. if you have a sec.. send help. Or some waffles.
At the moment I entered the house today I'd apparently interrupted some conversation between my mother and my aunt, which didn't stop with my arrival even tho I hadn't seen anyone since Thanksgiving. In fact, Gram asked about my drive and somewhere in the middle of my story about the MASSIVE AMOUNTS OF STANDING WATER and ALL THE HYDROPLANING that I thought could likely lead to MY OWN PERSONAL AND AGONIZING DEATH that SCARED ME TO THE POINT OF A CRUMBLY GIRLY MESS, Mom didn't even acknowledge I'd walked in the door. Of course immediately after bringing in my things, I literally felt myself regress to a snotty brat of 17, sat on the couch and grabbed the nearest magazine in hopes it might swallow me whole somehow. Or with just my reading skills I could ignore everyone til it was time for dinner.. whichever came first.
Hi! Welcome home!
After another young cousin arrived with her two very chatty children (TWO people.. the girl is just 21! Hellloooo..) and her father, my uncle, the zoning out was a success.
I know.. I'm completely rude.. especially since after they left, we all opened presents with my brother and his wife. That was the fun part and I think most everyone was happy with their gifts - even if I'm convinced Mom will take the really very cute and so soft jacket from me back the first chance she gets. She did feign she liked it for a bit.. that's all I could ask for.. at least she tried. Tho she'll most likely leave it in the bag for three weeks first before she remembers she never tried it on and then she will, but it won't fit and then she'll take it back but maybe leave it in her trunk for another month after that. Did I mention her birthday is also a couple weeks before Christmas? Yes, well.. December is my personal hell when it comes to my mother. Sigh..
Should I even begin with my brother? I'd think not, but I can't really help myself. It started after the holiday movie catch up we usually do, which means watching all the movies I wouldn't have EVER paid to see but Mom seems to think she'll BUY cuz she says it's actually um..cheaper (someone please explain this to me like I'm a 6-year-old), one being Mr. & Mrs. Smith - not nearly as bad as people made it out to be. Not deep or anything, but hey, I enjoyed it.. and The Brothers Grimm - ugh.. bleh! Trash! Get it out now! I wouldn't use this script to clean out Emma's kitty box.. good God.. this was SO bad I was actually annoyed.. I kept telling the tv to shut up.. bad movie, no biscuit!
And when it was FINALLY over.. my life shortened unnecessarily by three painful hours.. the news was reporting some shark attack near Seaside. I simply made a comment after they'd said the man was rushed to the nearby hospital about how he's probably worse off since hospitals on the coast over there - and we lived there for 10 years so we've heard the stories - aren't so great. You know.. someone goes in for appendicitis and comes out sans right foot or something. Oh I don't know all the details.. I heard it as a kid and there was a doctor there named Dr. Hazzard. What the hell does that say? I'll tell you.. nothing good. Pffft!
But then.. my brother had to argue with me. This is our routine when we're in the same house together for times like these and I usually count how long we go til we get into one of these inane discussions. This time = about 6 hours. Record.
Todd: Actually Angel, I personally know two friends who've been saved by the hospitals over there.
Me: For what?
Todd: Shark attacks.
Me: Ok.. whatever *turning back around to the computer where I'm venting oh so creatively and thinking to myself.. oh yes.. ALL your friends are shark attack survivors.. yes yes.. yawn*
Todd: *still going on..I have no idea what he said here*
Me: Ok.. I'm not listening. You can stop talking now.
Todd: *muttering some insult in Russian cuz he thinks he's so smart since he married a Russian girl - who, by the way, I happen to really like - but it doesn't matter cuz he's still my brother and a retard at that*
Me: Um, hello.. it wasn't a personal attack on you, Todd..
Todd: I didn't say it was.
Me: You sure act like it *Interrupted by -
Mom: ALRIGHT, BOTH OF YOU.. KNOCK IT OFF.
*ahem*
So yeah, yesterday I braved two inches of rain that sounds not that bad but it made the roads really, really scary for miles and my arms were so tense from gripping the wheel so tightly and I was so terrified after swerving severely multiple times that I thought I was going to kill myself and many other people, which wouldn't be so nice for all their families or, you know, me.. so I pulled off the nearest exit and when I finally got somewhere I could stop I just broke down and cried. Yes.. hi.. sad moment.. I mean, it was REALLY scary, thank you! But boy called, tried to calm me down, and convinced me to get a hotel and just leave in the morning. This was very good advice. Boy = smart. Well.. boy is many things in addition to smart, but smart comes in so handy when dealing with a cute but borderline hysterical girl.
At this moment, I wish I was back there.. right now. The hotel had waffles. Calls from boy help too.. but nothing can go wrong when you have waffles. Waffles make everything better.
Ok - really.. last time.. happy family time to all of you.. and um.. if you have a sec.. send help. Or some waffles.
Monday, December 19, 2005
Christmas is upon me. No really.. like.. get it off me! Now!
Ok.. let's start out with the beginning of December. Uh, hi.. sneaky! Suddenly it was just... there. I knew it was coming, but just didn't think about it.. and WHAM! There it was.. like.. like.. um..well, like something very unexpected.. ok?! And I really do enjoy the holidays.. no one died - oh wait - someone actually did one time.. hmm.. but you know, that was a long time ago and we've all sought therapy and we're all ok with that now.. and I'm fine with the sing-songyness in every possible person and thing that surrounds me that I couldn't get away from it all unless I left the planet anyway so why fight it..? I mean, the holidays are cute.. we have a cute little tree that's cutely decorated and there are stockings hung up - Emma even has one in the shape of a kitty paw - and tho I'm happy cuz really, things are pretty good, I've marked December as a month of delusion to which I just have to resign myself..
Let's start out with something small.. Christmas songs. Have you heard 'Here Comes Santa Claus' lately? I'm not talking about something new and full of disco pop. It's just the regular old Gene Autry version and uh, let me just tell you.. there's a little something in it I've never caught before.. yes indeedy.. a verse in there that you might not expect. Oh it's sugary innocence from childhood that is recognized immediately, but like those Bugs Bunny gags that flew right over your head as a wee tot that you now fully understand as an adult.. the third verse of this Santa jingle hit boy and me as we were driving along last weekend, completely minding our own business while we sang along to whatever Christmas tune came on cuz hey, there's nothing wrong with a little holiday cheer.. there was happiness and smiling.. la la la la.. here comes Santa Claus, here comes Santa Claus right down Santa Claus lane.. la la la la la la la la so let's give thanks to the Lord above that Santa Claus comes tonight.. whaaaaaaaaat??
Ok.. I know it's all about the birth of the baby Jesus and the three wise men and oh suuuuure Mary was a virgin and all that.. I mean, I've been beaten about the head with it since the day after Thanksgiving.. but please tell me what God and Santa are doing in the same song! Isn't there irony (if that's the proper usage.. I don't need any Alanis backlashing now..) in the fact that here is a nice little holiday song about a FICTIONAL CHARACTER involving.. um.. GOD.. a UNIVERSAL IDEA. Now.. before you start.. you could also argue the opposite point that Santa is universal and that God, is in fact, a fictional character and that's fine - believe what you will - I'm all for free thinking here, but my point is there's no church of Saint Nicholas around the corner however widely accepted he is. Terrorists don't go around doing their terroristy-type nastiness in the name of Santa (tho I bet if they did, it'd be a whole mess o' nice around the world, which hey.. wouldn't suck), no one prays to him (wishing for presents once a year doesn't count), and no one's calling out his name like they do God's in the throes (throws?? I looked it up.. it didn't help) of passion if you get my drift.. are you picking up what I'm putting down?? I'm just sayin'.. that's all.
Anyway.. that's where it started.
And that was the easy stuff.. obviously..
Now.. speaking of throws (now seriously.. is it throws or throes? I can't figure it out..) of passion.. boy (the one I named recently who is quite achingly hot by the way, but was still sort of taken aback by seeing his name in one of the most recent posts to which I reminded him that he'd said it was ok and then I added he should be careful what he wished for noting he's still quite adorable even when squeamish for a few seconds over the cyber-outing) and I are creating enough electricity to light up the entire city, which let me tell you, rocks.. to put it simply. However, there are.. um.. some small issues - and no no NO.. don't go there.. THAT is NOT what I'm talking about.. That actually is very.. um.. fine.. better than fine if you really need to know.. Ok?! Sheesh.. let's just be clear. No no.. what I mean is sometimes there are issues with the condoms.. and I hate them and I'm sure he hates them but we have to use them unless of course you people want some little Miss D's running around and ohdeargodbiteyourtongue we do not! I mean there are plenty of prophylactic choices out there, but yours truly just thought it easier to keep with the latex option when physical contact was more a spontaneous thing.. unless the day should find me with the same person for a while, which seems to have happened. So now it's a bit more plausible to think about other alternatives cuz condoms are only working like two-thirds of the time.. which, if you do the math, and I usually don't cuz hey, I studied theatre, is a whole lot less than 100%.
See.. they come off. The condoms. Or they've broken.. and either of those happening ruins the mood cuz guess what.. we both 'calmly' freak the fuck out.
The solution is that we call my nice doctor (Dr. Wise - isn't that great??) who nicely calls over to the pharmacy with a little prescription for 'Plan B', which so far has happened twice (and if you're offended by this, really, keep your opinions to yourself or I'll be forced to cover my ears and yell out jibberish til you stop.. and you'd hate that.). Now, it's not like we're doing this on purpose.. these are definitely accidents and tho it sounds like ALL kinds of fun thinking every little change in my body is reason enough to think I'm pregnant, I'm also the one who has to take the pill to prevent that after both said accidents. This would be fine if it just left me alone and didn't fuck around with my hormones and make me oh.. EXTREMELY depressed for FIVE. ENTIRE. DAYS. Drop of a hat and it was waterworks people.. the computer froze and suddenly I was a total failure in life.. I held it together luckily cuz I had some sense of reason trying its best to prevail while telling myself this was just temporary and my reactions were just hormonal.. but good God.. I might've killed someone if I hadn't gotten a frickin hug every day. And, I should add, boy is really, really good at this necessity. It works like a charm. Seriously.
In the middle of every possible emotion I could be feeling, there was quite the display of aggravation towards the roomie when we got into a fight about the heat that escalated to the point where I actually slammed her door - or um.. tried to - they're old doors and it wouldn't slam - this was especially frustrating as the goal was to make a good amount of noise and all I heard was a slight whooshing sound - and that only served to heighten any irritation that caused me to almost spontaneously combust. Not my proudest moment - it certainly wasn't maturity that was oozing out my pores.. oh no.. and it made for a very quiet and tense rest of the week at home. Ahh.. the curse of hating living alone and at the same time wishing you could have the house to yourself.. I'm still working that one out.
This again, wasn't the worst thing that happened.. like you didn't know there was more..
On the way back home Friday night from a friend's Christmas party at her new GIGANTIC house (seriously - it looks like a life-size version of the dollhouse I had as a kid.. wow) in Issaquah (small SMALL town east of Seattle), boy and I are driving thru town, so not speeding at 25 mph and I notice the unmarked police car that I pass - yeah, I noticed it.. hi.. not born yesterday, nuh-uh.. but I'm so innocent and not hitting things.. look! But what does she do? Oh, nothing except pulls out RIGHT BEHIND me and immediately turns on her lights. For a millisecond, boy thought she'd go by me, but come on.. we all knew better. Fifteen minutes later, after asking me at least three times how much I'd had to drink cuz I was fumbly with all my paperwork.. helloooo.. nerves people.. I had a really nice green ticket in hand from the very, very mean police lady for
Let's start out with something small.. Christmas songs. Have you heard 'Here Comes Santa Claus' lately? I'm not talking about something new and full of disco pop. It's just the regular old Gene Autry version and uh, let me just tell you.. there's a little something in it I've never caught before.. yes indeedy.. a verse in there that you might not expect. Oh it's sugary innocence from childhood that is recognized immediately, but like those Bugs Bunny gags that flew right over your head as a wee tot that you now fully understand as an adult.. the third verse of this Santa jingle hit boy and me as we were driving along last weekend, completely minding our own business while we sang along to whatever Christmas tune came on cuz hey, there's nothing wrong with a little holiday cheer.. there was happiness and smiling.. la la la la.. here comes Santa Claus, here comes Santa Claus right down Santa Claus lane.. la la la la la la la la so let's give thanks to the Lord above that Santa Claus comes tonight.. whaaaaaaaaat??
Ok.. I know it's all about the birth of the baby Jesus and the three wise men and oh suuuuure Mary was a virgin and all that.. I mean, I've been beaten about the head with it since the day after Thanksgiving.. but please tell me what God and Santa are doing in the same song! Isn't there irony (if that's the proper usage.. I don't need any Alanis backlashing now..) in the fact that here is a nice little holiday song about a FICTIONAL CHARACTER involving.. um.. GOD.. a UNIVERSAL IDEA. Now.. before you start.. you could also argue the opposite point that Santa is universal and that God, is in fact, a fictional character and that's fine - believe what you will - I'm all for free thinking here, but my point is there's no church of Saint Nicholas around the corner however widely accepted he is. Terrorists don't go around doing their terroristy-type nastiness in the name of Santa (tho I bet if they did, it'd be a whole mess o' nice around the world, which hey.. wouldn't suck), no one prays to him (wishing for presents once a year doesn't count), and no one's calling out his name like they do God's in the throes (throws?? I looked it up.. it didn't help) of passion if you get my drift.. are you picking up what I'm putting down?? I'm just sayin'.. that's all.
Anyway.. that's where it started.
And that was the easy stuff.. obviously..
Now.. speaking of throws (now seriously.. is it throws or throes? I can't figure it out..) of passion.. boy (the one I named recently who is quite achingly hot by the way, but was still sort of taken aback by seeing his name in one of the most recent posts to which I reminded him that he'd said it was ok and then I added he should be careful what he wished for noting he's still quite adorable even when squeamish for a few seconds over the cyber-outing) and I are creating enough electricity to light up the entire city, which let me tell you, rocks.. to put it simply. However, there are.. um.. some small issues - and no no NO.. don't go there.. THAT is NOT what I'm talking about.. That actually is very.. um.. fine.. better than fine if you really need to know.. Ok?! Sheesh.. let's just be clear. No no.. what I mean is sometimes there are issues with the condoms.. and I hate them and I'm sure he hates them but we have to use them unless of course you people want some little Miss D's running around and ohdeargodbiteyourtongue we do not! I mean there are plenty of prophylactic choices out there, but yours truly just thought it easier to keep with the latex option when physical contact was more a spontaneous thing.. unless the day should find me with the same person for a while, which seems to have happened. So now it's a bit more plausible to think about other alternatives cuz condoms are only working like two-thirds of the time.. which, if you do the math, and I usually don't cuz hey, I studied theatre, is a whole lot less than 100%.
See.. they come off. The condoms. Or they've broken.. and either of those happening ruins the mood cuz guess what.. we both 'calmly' freak the fuck out.
The solution is that we call my nice doctor (Dr. Wise - isn't that great??) who nicely calls over to the pharmacy with a little prescription for 'Plan B', which so far has happened twice (and if you're offended by this, really, keep your opinions to yourself or I'll be forced to cover my ears and yell out jibberish til you stop.. and you'd hate that.). Now, it's not like we're doing this on purpose.. these are definitely accidents and tho it sounds like ALL kinds of fun thinking every little change in my body is reason enough to think I'm pregnant, I'm also the one who has to take the pill to prevent that after both said accidents. This would be fine if it just left me alone and didn't fuck around with my hormones and make me oh.. EXTREMELY depressed for FIVE. ENTIRE. DAYS. Drop of a hat and it was waterworks people.. the computer froze and suddenly I was a total failure in life.. I held it together luckily cuz I had some sense of reason trying its best to prevail while telling myself this was just temporary and my reactions were just hormonal.. but good God.. I might've killed someone if I hadn't gotten a frickin hug every day. And, I should add, boy is really, really good at this necessity. It works like a charm. Seriously.
In the middle of every possible emotion I could be feeling, there was quite the display of aggravation towards the roomie when we got into a fight about the heat that escalated to the point where I actually slammed her door - or um.. tried to - they're old doors and it wouldn't slam - this was especially frustrating as the goal was to make a good amount of noise and all I heard was a slight whooshing sound - and that only served to heighten any irritation that caused me to almost spontaneously combust. Not my proudest moment - it certainly wasn't maturity that was oozing out my pores.. oh no.. and it made for a very quiet and tense rest of the week at home. Ahh.. the curse of hating living alone and at the same time wishing you could have the house to yourself.. I'm still working that one out.
This again, wasn't the worst thing that happened.. like you didn't know there was more..
On the way back home Friday night from a friend's Christmas party at her new GIGANTIC house (seriously - it looks like a life-size version of the dollhouse I had as a kid.. wow) in Issaquah (small SMALL town east of Seattle), boy and I are driving thru town, so not speeding at 25 mph and I notice the unmarked police car that I pass - yeah, I noticed it.. hi.. not born yesterday, nuh-uh.. but I'm so innocent and not hitting things.. look! But what does she do? Oh, nothing except pulls out RIGHT BEHIND me and immediately turns on her lights. For a millisecond, boy thought she'd go by me, but come on.. we all knew better. Fifteen minutes later, after asking me at least three times how much I'd had to drink cuz I was fumbly with all my paperwork.. helloooo.. nerves people.. I had a really nice green ticket in hand from the very, very mean police lady for
- No lights on the back license plate (her first reason for pulling me over and by the way.. WHO sees when those are out?!)
- Expired tabs (from August .. and YES, I knew they were expired.. but if you'd like to pay for them you might notice they are only like $200 EVERY YEAR and on my budget, that's just more funny than something that actually happens - plus there was a matter of three parking tickets I had to pay for first and geez lady.. I just got the letter saying NOW I could get tabs.. grumble grumble)
- AND oooooh.. this is the BEST part.. an expired driver's license! Cuz SOMEONE just had a birthday, which when I told mean police lady she sarcastically said, 'Uh.. in November..' Ok.. but Ms. Very Nice Police Officer I work 8-5, and you know, coincidentally, so does the DMV. It's a little difficult, ok? Can't you be nice for just ONE second?! This I said in my head or she may have cuffed me right there for insubordination or some other word with a lot of syllables.. and I was already scared enough.. so instead I said very sadly, 'Um.. yes.'
NOW Ms. Mean thought I was a problem drinker cuz my hands were apparently too spasmy to handle all my legal documents AND I was sans legal license, so she made boy change seats with me since he'd brought all this upon himself by making the oh-so-wise choice of me as his current company (she didn't say that but you could see it in her eyes.. judgement was there.. mean mean lady cop!) so he could drive his criminal date and her just as incriminating vehicle back home to the not so Christmasy tune of $7HUNDREDand32DOLLARS which is not very easy to sing along to.. no, no it is not..
And you might think it was over.. cuz maybe this would be enough, you would think.. but you'd be thinking SO wrong. Yes you would!
THEN.. Mom calls not to guilt-trip me, but to tell me my cute, little, sassy-about-everything Grandma, the ONLY grandparent left standing so to speak, who's in the hospital for KNEE SURGERY people, which is NOT a big deal and that was supposed to keep her there for a maximum of three days, is still in the hospital cuz her kidneys AND her liver decided team playing was for sissies and if they just went into RENAL FAILURE they could lengthen their cushy hospital stay. Gram, in all her spitfiryness, is not pleased with them one bit and tho no one's saying it outloud, we know which internal organs won't be getting any homemade canned goods for Christmas.. uh-uh..
But don't fret now.. today is looking decidedly less emotionally hung up, praise Jesus!, things will be taken care of with the Issaquah courts before some unknown court date next month where I will beg and plead and dress oh so nicely to show I'm a good and upstanding citizen even if I break some very very small laws, roomies and I will just have to figure out how to get along, God and Santa will co-exist somewhere happily ever after.. and Gram should actually pull thru all the scary stuff.. It was just a big week.. Could you tell?
Til next time - Merry Christmas y'all! Hope you have a happy and safe holiday, getting everything you want and nothing you need (blatantly stolen from Victoria's Secret - um.. hint hint..)!
Thursday, December 15, 2005
Aaaack!
Sorry to scare you there for a second.. just needed your attention.
Ok.. if you haven't noticed.. it's December and that = Christmas which = really dang busy.. and like 18 parties to attend and budgets to manage (And by manage I mean not buying anything til the next pay day.. grrr... AND just realizing the bonus we were supposed to get at work is actually NOT going to be a real bonus of cash in hand but cash in my newly acquired 401k - and yes, that's very good for later and it's nothing to sneeze at, sure, but now it doesn't help me. No, it doesn't. Not at all. Double grrr..) and ideas for presents to come up with (Seriously, what do you buy the mother who has everything and if she doesn't have everything she buys that for herself?? I'm taking suggestions!).. and you see where I'm going with this? Busy girl, not-so-calm girl, trying-to-keep-it-together girl over here.. send help! Send chocolate! Send someone with an oversized check of a million dollars written in my name!
Or.. please wait patiently for the new and sure to be lengthy next post.. cuz you know I have stuff to say.. oooooooh.. yes.. yes I do.
Ok.. if you haven't noticed.. it's December and that = Christmas which = really dang busy.. and like 18 parties to attend and budgets to manage (And by manage I mean not buying anything til the next pay day.. grrr... AND just realizing the bonus we were supposed to get at work is actually NOT going to be a real bonus of cash in hand but cash in my newly acquired 401k - and yes, that's very good for later and it's nothing to sneeze at, sure, but now it doesn't help me. No, it doesn't. Not at all. Double grrr..) and ideas for presents to come up with (Seriously, what do you buy the mother who has everything and if she doesn't have everything she buys that for herself?? I'm taking suggestions!).. and you see where I'm going with this? Busy girl, not-so-calm girl, trying-to-keep-it-together girl over here.. send help! Send chocolate! Send someone with an oversized check of a million dollars written in my name!
Or.. please wait patiently for the new and sure to be lengthy next post.. cuz you know I have stuff to say.. oooooooh.. yes.. yes I do.
Thursday, December 01, 2005
Snow, movies, snow in the movies..
It snowed in Seattle yesterday. Ugh... here we go.
If you know anything about Seattle you know that:
a) Snowing this low to sea level is rare in this area.. oh..um..well, any area close to sea level I imagine.. God I'm stupid. Hey.. at least I caught it.. you hush up now.
b) No one in Seattle can drive in it (I mean, we (and by 'we' I mean everyone else but me, thank you) can't drive in the rain and it rains 10 months out of the year here people!))
c) EVERYONE freaks out - including the news and their INSANE "Winter Storm Watch" reports.. as in scary-music-hide-the-children-run-for-your-lives-this-is-our-Katrina sort of storm or something when really it's just a little snow flurry for half a day and it DOESN'T even STICK. Um.. hi, I've seen colder elements in Dairy Queen. Puh-leaze..
And d) because of b, the smart people call in to work and stay off the roads cuz none of us have 1. snow tires (We don't have air conditioning or pools either. It's the curse of moderate weather. No extremes here..usually.), 2. the patience to deal with the people who choose to drive like idiots - they may be able to drive in it, but remember, we all brake the same - and usually brakes + ice = overly arrogant assholes in the ditch, which is a great source of entertainment for me this time of year, or 3. a burning ethical or moral reason against lying to our bosses to whine sympathetically about how we couldn't possibly get out of our driveways and up the hill/down the road/around that bad corner and to the office. Yay! Snow day!!
Course, like I said, it didn't stick so guess who still had to come into work today.. pfft.. yeah. And here I am.. working away.. yup.. but um, in case my CEO reads this, seriously, I'm REALLY happy to be here.. and by the way, I'm on lunch currently.
ANYWAY...
In other news.. the Thanksgiving holiday was spent with the mother and grandmother units and was virtually fight free.. *applause* Thank you! It wasn't so tough this time, but four days with them is about my limit even when one day is usually filled with eating to the point of not needing to talk about anything at all cuz you're too busy napping and digesting. Did I mention my cranberry sauce kicked ass? Oh, it did.. let me tell you.
So, usually, I'm much better with three days at the ranch of Mom. It did help that at least five hours of that long weekend was spent at the movies - Harry Potter and Yours, Mine & Ours. The former was much better than the latter, tho the latter was still cute and again, I wasn't going to complain about movie choices when it meant snacks and movie magic rather than possibly fighting about whether Sheryl Crow actually sings COUNTRY MUSIC sometimes, which Mom thinks for some deluded reason, or not, which I think since most likely Mom's just thinking of the wrong person cuz that's what she does ALL. The. Time. I know it sounds crazy, but we really had that argument til Gram snapped and told us both to shut up. That's Gram's soft side for you..
Back home with cute boy, Brandon (he said I could name him), has been really nice. Cold weather is the best excuse, not that we really need one, for warmth and affection and he's been happy to oblige me often. One of our dates this week was to see the movie RENT cuz we're both big fans of the Broadway show (DON'T start! He's NOT gay!). So we went.. and um.. some parts were good.. tho it was sort of painful in others. I mean, the musical itself is actually more a rock opera and I wish people would treat it as such, meaning just about everything is sung, there's very little dialogue and that's how it should be. Then, there's the movie, which fucks that right up. People are speaking the lines they should be singing and it just deflates the opening sequence completely. And that's just the beginning people.. somewhere in the middle, we just gave up when it turned into a bad rock video. We couldn't excuse that at all.. no, no.. we could not. But the clincher, was about 3/4 of the way thru the movie and I realized while two of the main characters were singing their big moment out in an alley in the middle of New York City in December while it's snowing that the steam from their breath was so regular .. wow.. that's a little stra.. HEEEEEEEEEEY! THAT'S FAKE! Like who creates fake breath?! WTF is THAT? Tho, ok there were some good things about it I really did like, namely the actor who plays Collins is awesome and the new cast member who plays Joanne has an amazing voice.. and..well, Taye Diggs is just fine with three syllables.. mm-mmm-mmmmmm.. oh yeah, and he can sing too.
And besides the movie, there was Brandon, being all frickin cute and cuddling with me in the movies, which hello, is tough to do the way the seats are you know.. and at one point while I was quietly singing cuz yes, I'm a dork and I know the ENTIRE score, he just looked at me in this way that would've made my knees melt had I been standing and told me to sing for him. I sort of put my hand over his face dismissing his thought out of embarrassment for myself and whispered for him to watch the movie. But he kept looking at me intently and told me again he wanted me to sing for him. I told him I would.. just not right then.. silly. And there I was, blushing in the dark. The guy already gives me butterflies, but at that moment, they multiplied exponentially..
So for the weekend, I thought it appropriate to celebrate the Winter Storm of 2005 by heading to yet another movie - more snuggling together while we watch the best inclement weather story, and one of my all-time favorites, Singin' In The Rain at this funky new theatre, Central Cinema on the hill that plays.. well, whatever the hell they want, honestly.. I love it! Yes, another musical and mmmmmm.. Gene Kelly. DON'T laugh! I had a HUUUUUUGE crush on him when I was a kid.. dude, he's hot. Oh, shut up..
Oh.. would you look at the time... lunchwas over hours ago is now over so I'm back to work.. Happy Friday y'all! Mwah!
If you know anything about Seattle you know that:
a) Snowing this low to sea level is rare in this area.. oh..um..well, any area close to sea level I imagine.. God I'm stupid. Hey.. at least I caught it.. you hush up now.
b) No one in Seattle can drive in it (I mean, we (and by 'we' I mean everyone else but me, thank you) can't drive in the rain and it rains 10 months out of the year here people!))
c) EVERYONE freaks out - including the news and their INSANE "Winter Storm Watch" reports.. as in scary-music-hide-the-children-run-for-your-lives-this-is-our-Katrina sort of storm or something when really it's just a little snow flurry for half a day and it DOESN'T even STICK. Um.. hi, I've seen colder elements in Dairy Queen. Puh-leaze..
And d) because of b, the smart people call in to work and stay off the roads cuz none of us have 1. snow tires (We don't have air conditioning or pools either. It's the curse of moderate weather. No extremes here..usually.), 2. the patience to deal with the people who choose to drive like idiots - they may be able to drive in it, but remember, we all brake the same - and usually brakes + ice = overly arrogant assholes in the ditch, which is a great source of entertainment for me this time of year, or 3. a burning ethical or moral reason against lying to our bosses to whine sympathetically about how we couldn't possibly get out of our driveways and up the hill/down the road/around that bad corner and to the office. Yay! Snow day!!
Course, like I said, it didn't stick so guess who still had to come into work today.. pfft.. yeah. And here I am.. working away.. yup.. but um, in case my CEO reads this, seriously, I'm REALLY happy to be here.. and by the way, I'm on lunch currently.
ANYWAY...
In other news.. the Thanksgiving holiday was spent with the mother and grandmother units and was virtually fight free.. *applause* Thank you! It wasn't so tough this time, but four days with them is about my limit even when one day is usually filled with eating to the point of not needing to talk about anything at all cuz you're too busy napping and digesting. Did I mention my cranberry sauce kicked ass? Oh, it did.. let me tell you.
So, usually, I'm much better with three days at the ranch of Mom. It did help that at least five hours of that long weekend was spent at the movies - Harry Potter and Yours, Mine & Ours. The former was much better than the latter, tho the latter was still cute and again, I wasn't going to complain about movie choices when it meant snacks and movie magic rather than possibly fighting about whether Sheryl Crow actually sings COUNTRY MUSIC sometimes, which Mom thinks for some deluded reason, or not, which I think since most likely Mom's just thinking of the wrong person cuz that's what she does ALL. The. Time. I know it sounds crazy, but we really had that argument til Gram snapped and told us both to shut up. That's Gram's soft side for you..
Back home with cute boy, Brandon (he said I could name him), has been really nice. Cold weather is the best excuse, not that we really need one, for warmth and affection and he's been happy to oblige me often. One of our dates this week was to see the movie RENT cuz we're both big fans of the Broadway show (DON'T start! He's NOT gay!). So we went.. and um.. some parts were good.. tho it was sort of painful in others. I mean, the musical itself is actually more a rock opera and I wish people would treat it as such, meaning just about everything is sung, there's very little dialogue and that's how it should be. Then, there's the movie, which fucks that right up. People are speaking the lines they should be singing and it just deflates the opening sequence completely. And that's just the beginning people.. somewhere in the middle, we just gave up when it turned into a bad rock video. We couldn't excuse that at all.. no, no.. we could not. But the clincher, was about 3/4 of the way thru the movie and I realized while two of the main characters were singing their big moment out in an alley in the middle of New York City in December while it's snowing that the steam from their breath was so regular .. wow.. that's a little stra.. HEEEEEEEEEEY! THAT'S FAKE! Like who creates fake breath?! WTF is THAT? Tho, ok there were some good things about it I really did like, namely the actor who plays Collins is awesome and the new cast member who plays Joanne has an amazing voice.. and..well, Taye Diggs is just fine with three syllables.. mm-mmm-mmmmmm.. oh yeah, and he can sing too.
And besides the movie, there was Brandon, being all frickin cute and cuddling with me in the movies, which hello, is tough to do the way the seats are you know.. and at one point while I was quietly singing cuz yes, I'm a dork and I know the ENTIRE score, he just looked at me in this way that would've made my knees melt had I been standing and told me to sing for him. I sort of put my hand over his face dismissing his thought out of embarrassment for myself and whispered for him to watch the movie. But he kept looking at me intently and told me again he wanted me to sing for him. I told him I would.. just not right then.. silly. And there I was, blushing in the dark. The guy already gives me butterflies, but at that moment, they multiplied exponentially..
So for the weekend, I thought it appropriate to celebrate the Winter Storm of 2005 by heading to yet another movie - more snuggling together while we watch the best inclement weather story, and one of my all-time favorites, Singin' In The Rain at this funky new theatre, Central Cinema on the hill that plays.. well, whatever the hell they want, honestly.. I love it! Yes, another musical and mmmmmm.. Gene Kelly. DON'T laugh! I had a HUUUUUUGE crush on him when I was a kid.. dude, he's hot. Oh, shut up..
Oh.. would you look at the time... lunch
Saturday, November 26, 2005
Insights
So I had this conversation with my friend Dave the other night.. that guys have different categories for the women in their lives and I'm not talking about relatives or friends. These are the categories of various levels of lovers.. the women they fuck, the women they date, and the women with whom they fall in love and marry. Yeah.. only three. You know.. more than that would be.. well, too many for them.
Now.. I see your confusion.. cuz that look on your face right now.. yeah.. I had that. My cute little brow was oh so furrowed cuz I just wasn't aware of this grading system. Women are always discussing with each other how we don't understand men and why they do what they do and say what they say.. which, you know, can frustrate us to no end.. but every now and then I'm reminded, usually by a male friend, that really, men aren't that complicated. They don't sit around over-analyzing our actions.. there isn't any reading between the lines since they have trouble reading the lines that exist already. They will call you if they like you and you won't hear from them if they don't. It's that simple. So when Dave told me there was this.. like.. philosophy, so to speak, a plan, if you will.. I was rather floored. No, it's not complicated at all.. but there's a semblance of organization to it, which, yes, ok, I'm going to be completely sexist now and just say it for the sake of this post, I thought was mostly attributed to the female, at least where the opposite sex is concerned. As far as I know, men are just happy when they find a girl who isn't psycho first of all and who's still willing to go out with them, who's decent in bed and thrilled if they can cause her to make a bit of noise in their favor, AND is someone whom they can still safely bring home for their mother's approval.
Ok.. yes, I'm so obviously not the expert on men.. they could possibly be deeper than this.. well, some of them.
See.. I've been in all categories at different times, but currently, my position is among the datable - better than a roll in the hay once a week, but not quite marryable. This is due in part to my own design of being open to dating a few people at the same time and also being told by one of those people that's just how he sees me. Yeah.. he said it.. and yeah.. that didn't not suck for a minute.. maybe a couple of minutes.. but it was honest, even tender, and I would rather know than not. Besides that, tho I'm pretty girly and I've wondered if there's ever going to be a partnership in my life that will span its majority, I still don't look for or expect that out of anyone I date. I don't think marriage is the be all, end all for me tho I don't completely rule it out. This girl has gone a few years having three to four week relationships and I figured, hey, it's probably time to try to break that pattern and that's been the sole purpose of this exercise, which, hello.. I'm actually succeeding at.. so yay! That right there is something I'm proud of - preventing myself from having unrealistic expectations, learning to pace how I care for and get to know someone, practicing patience, and not getting desperately carried away. These are the lessons I need to learn before I see myself in the til-death-do-us-part circle anyway. I mean, I like to plan a little bit ahead, but forever isn't what I'm thinking right now anyway. I'm really enjoying living in the moment.
Since late last week, I've reduced my dating companions down to one person I happen to like a lot, but I didn't stop seeing the others for that reason. I couldn't help but compare and contrast between them and I just found the other situations to be more one-dimensional and based more on the physical aspects than any actual connections I thought we had. Mainly, the connections just weren't developing and I wasn't getting to know them any better so at that point, there's nothing more to do but end it unless a fuck buddy is what I'm looking for.. and tho I'm trying to keep things on a casual level, that's a little too casual for me. Been there, done that. I may think this one is a bit special, but for now, we're both going to allow ourselves to see other people.. not that either of us are, but I understand why he wants to and I'm keeping an open mind.
Really, I'm pretty content with my romantic life, but the conversation with Dave led me to question how one might cross over into the last, and one would think, more favorable, category of really belonging to someone.. forever.. or um.. just a really, really long time. I'm just curious how that works. Is there an obvious way someone moves up in rank? Does a new person have to see you only as marryable and not even consider the other options? Or is there some sort of promotion and review process possible within the other categories once an undetermined amount of time is invested?? I have a few questions.. that's all. Oh, like you don't... pffft.
According to Dave, it's just about whether a guy has realized what you are to him. Um...or not. That's all it is.. So of course Dave and I continued to discuss if waiting around for someone to see if they find that potential in you is not the STUPIDEST thing ever. Um.. yeah, he really seemed to think not, which fully surprised me, but he had a good point and said if you were having a good time with the situation you're in, there shouldn't be a problem cuz you're not really waiting anyway. And I have to admit, looking on my own relationship and the time I'm having which equals good, I couldn't really argue with that logic. But I have another friend who would say what I'm doing is waiting and yes, that's completely idiotic.. even tho he and his girlfriend are the prime, and rare, I might add, example of that exact thing.. waiting, that is. She did the fuck buddy thing with him for a long time.. they moved up to dating, but weren't exclusive and after a pretty long time of doing that, she got tired of it and gave up. Walked away. And, in the classic you-don't-know-what-you-have-til-it's-gone move.. he realized damn, he loved her. Cue the sappy soundtrack.. cuz wow, crazy longshot on her part, but apparently, it does happen. Tho again, this sort of thing = rare.. ok? Got it? Don't try this at home kids.
Now, it's wrapping up time and I hope I've done my part to educate the female gender a bit more about how men operate. Of course, there are no definitive answers.. I, personally, think sometimes, those categories and the minds of those who put us in them are a little.. oh.. mutable maybe.. However, I'm the first one to say to a friend, what the hell?? It's YOU, not him, who decides what you're worth and maybe you should find that person out there who agrees with you.. that's what we all deserve!
*Steps off soapbox*
But, on the other hand, yours truly has always looked for just a smidge of patience within herself, which, accidentally, she may finally have found.. so who says a little bit of that ever hurt anyone? Exactly. That's all I'm saying..
Now.. I see your confusion.. cuz that look on your face right now.. yeah.. I had that. My cute little brow was oh so furrowed cuz I just wasn't aware of this grading system. Women are always discussing with each other how we don't understand men and why they do what they do and say what they say.. which, you know, can frustrate us to no end.. but every now and then I'm reminded, usually by a male friend, that really, men aren't that complicated. They don't sit around over-analyzing our actions.. there isn't any reading between the lines since they have trouble reading the lines that exist already. They will call you if they like you and you won't hear from them if they don't. It's that simple. So when Dave told me there was this.. like.. philosophy, so to speak, a plan, if you will.. I was rather floored. No, it's not complicated at all.. but there's a semblance of organization to it, which, yes, ok, I'm going to be completely sexist now and just say it for the sake of this post, I thought was mostly attributed to the female, at least where the opposite sex is concerned. As far as I know, men are just happy when they find a girl who isn't psycho first of all and who's still willing to go out with them, who's decent in bed and thrilled if they can cause her to make a bit of noise in their favor, AND is someone whom they can still safely bring home for their mother's approval.
Ok.. yes, I'm so obviously not the expert on men.. they could possibly be deeper than this.. well, some of them.
See.. I've been in all categories at different times, but currently, my position is among the datable - better than a roll in the hay once a week, but not quite marryable. This is due in part to my own design of being open to dating a few people at the same time and also being told by one of those people that's just how he sees me. Yeah.. he said it.. and yeah.. that didn't not suck for a minute.. maybe a couple of minutes.. but it was honest, even tender, and I would rather know than not. Besides that, tho I'm pretty girly and I've wondered if there's ever going to be a partnership in my life that will span its majority, I still don't look for or expect that out of anyone I date. I don't think marriage is the be all, end all for me tho I don't completely rule it out. This girl has gone a few years having three to four week relationships and I figured, hey, it's probably time to try to break that pattern and that's been the sole purpose of this exercise, which, hello.. I'm actually succeeding at.. so yay! That right there is something I'm proud of - preventing myself from having unrealistic expectations, learning to pace how I care for and get to know someone, practicing patience, and not getting desperately carried away. These are the lessons I need to learn before I see myself in the til-death-do-us-part circle anyway. I mean, I like to plan a little bit ahead, but forever isn't what I'm thinking right now anyway. I'm really enjoying living in the moment.
Since late last week, I've reduced my dating companions down to one person I happen to like a lot, but I didn't stop seeing the others for that reason. I couldn't help but compare and contrast between them and I just found the other situations to be more one-dimensional and based more on the physical aspects than any actual connections I thought we had. Mainly, the connections just weren't developing and I wasn't getting to know them any better so at that point, there's nothing more to do but end it unless a fuck buddy is what I'm looking for.. and tho I'm trying to keep things on a casual level, that's a little too casual for me. Been there, done that. I may think this one is a bit special, but for now, we're both going to allow ourselves to see other people.. not that either of us are, but I understand why he wants to and I'm keeping an open mind.
Really, I'm pretty content with my romantic life, but the conversation with Dave led me to question how one might cross over into the last, and one would think, more favorable, category of really belonging to someone.. forever.. or um.. just a really, really long time. I'm just curious how that works. Is there an obvious way someone moves up in rank? Does a new person have to see you only as marryable and not even consider the other options? Or is there some sort of promotion and review process possible within the other categories once an undetermined amount of time is invested?? I have a few questions.. that's all. Oh, like you don't... pffft.
According to Dave, it's just about whether a guy has realized what you are to him. Um...or not. That's all it is.. So of course Dave and I continued to discuss if waiting around for someone to see if they find that potential in you is not the STUPIDEST thing ever. Um.. yeah, he really seemed to think not, which fully surprised me, but he had a good point and said if you were having a good time with the situation you're in, there shouldn't be a problem cuz you're not really waiting anyway. And I have to admit, looking on my own relationship and the time I'm having which equals good, I couldn't really argue with that logic. But I have another friend who would say what I'm doing is waiting and yes, that's completely idiotic.. even tho he and his girlfriend are the prime, and rare, I might add, example of that exact thing.. waiting, that is. She did the fuck buddy thing with him for a long time.. they moved up to dating, but weren't exclusive and after a pretty long time of doing that, she got tired of it and gave up. Walked away. And, in the classic you-don't-know-what-you-have-til-it's-gone move.. he realized damn, he loved her. Cue the sappy soundtrack.. cuz wow, crazy longshot on her part, but apparently, it does happen. Tho again, this sort of thing = rare.. ok? Got it? Don't try this at home kids.
Now, it's wrapping up time and I hope I've done my part to educate the female gender a bit more about how men operate. Of course, there are no definitive answers.. I, personally, think sometimes, those categories and the minds of those who put us in them are a little.. oh.. mutable maybe.. However, I'm the first one to say to a friend, what the hell?? It's YOU, not him, who decides what you're worth and maybe you should find that person out there who agrees with you.. that's what we all deserve!
*Steps off soapbox*
But, on the other hand, yours truly has always looked for just a smidge of patience within herself, which, accidentally, she may finally have found.. so who says a little bit of that ever hurt anyone? Exactly. That's all I'm saying..
Thursday, November 10, 2005
Just say no
Attention can be nice. Compliments are flattering. What woman doesn't want to hear she's a doll... that she's beautiful and attractive? Who wouldn't want to be gazed at adoringly by a man she's just met who seems completely dazzled by her presence and feels extremely lucky he was seated next to her in a mixed birthday group of strangers and friends?
It was all very unexpected in what was mostly a homosexual collection of Loren's work associates and on-the-town boys and girls and therefore, unusual that my gaydar was so far off. I mean, he was wearing a turtleneck for chrissakes. I think that automatically qualified him as not playing for my team. I don't mean ALL circumstances where one, being male, would don the standard cold-weather-neck-covering sweater would, but I mean, really.. there are instances you just.. know.. and clearly, I thought this was one of them.. mistakenly.. especially considering the witty banter initiated, the quick, affectionate put-down comebacks that indicated not only was he a card-carrying member of Gays Of Our Lives, but his best lines were probably picked up from watching too much Will & Grace. I know this cuz that's where my best zingers come from. Where else will you hear 'oh honey, coulda, woulda, Prada..' or 'Love you like a cold sore!' The latter one's my favorite and I used it that night on Loren's boyfriend, Sean, with whom I have a love/hate/hate/hate relationship - as he's coined it. Well, at least we agree on something.. and I savored the small moments after while he held his tongue thinking of something better.. even in knowing my insult was plagiarized.
And then.. somewhere in the conversation, the man next to me must've dropped the fact he was straight three times in a matter of seconds.. and I felt this looming feeling over me - the sense that very soon I'd be barraged by his attempts to hit on me. Silently and without any sudden moves, I tried to see him all brand new like I'd just met him and see if just like.. well, magic I suppose.. it'd work and I would know .. Oh! You're not gay! I don't know what I was thinking! Yeah.. um.. didn't fix anything. Still gay. Hmm..has that ever happened to you? You get a perspective, your first impression.. and it's just not easy to change that once you think you know what to make of them.. right? And their sexual preferences? Right.. you get it.. you're quick like that.
I got away only for a short time while we changed locales and did my best to sit in the middle and near the birthday boy once we reassembled so others might give me a little relief in their company. In that time, I'd also figured out from Loren that it had basically been his oh-so-bright idea to try to set us up once he realized there I was all single.. and there his friend was all single.. so HEY! Why not, you know, set them up TOGETHER?! Yay!! To which I respond:
Me: So.. that's very sweet and all honey if not for the fact that oh.. he's GAY! Wondered if maybe you noticed.. No? Didn't pick up on that?
Loren: No no.. he's not.. he's sooooooooo nice.. really..
Me: Yeah.. he seems that.. but again, oh, I don't know.. STILL GAY! You know.. warn a girl next time will you? Maybe BEFORE she decides someone is or isn't gay based on his sweater choices.. Say something to the effect of.. see that STRAIGHT guy? He's SINGLE.. and NOT gay! Ok? Warning = good!
Loren: *just laughing*
Ugh.. I love Loren for many, many reasons.. but his talent for match-making is not one of them.
So the man sat across from me, next to Loren's boyfriend - who again is not my biggest fan and who so enjoys watching me squirm. It didn't take long for him (the man, not Sean) to get bored talking with the others and focus on me (Sean would do just the opposite actually), which I thought might happen, but still hoped for some sort of deus ex machina to save me anyway. And at that point he pretty much announced to the table when he asked me to come sit next to him - beginning the Suffocation Period - that he was going to hit on me. Yup.. told me just like that.. but hey, he asked if it was ok. Oh, well in THAT case... and then Sean just offers up his seat and tells me to come on over.. um... thanks, yeah.. thanks SO much for making it easy on me.. It's a wonder I haven't perfected the squinty-eyed-head-blowing-up stare yet... damn.
Actually I have to give the guy credit for being so direct. For a girl who really tries to live that way, a lot of the time I'm not as direct as I'd like..and even more so, passive-aggressive at times.. Plus it's tough for a guy to always be the pursuer and I feel for them.. sometimes.. He's a very nice guy tho, I have no doubt, yet his approach quickly became unwelcome cuz it stopped being fun and friendly and was more clingy and obsessive. I was completely on the defensive not long after I was goaded to sit next to him. I was just some cute little carrot he was chasing. The more I denied him, the more intent he became.. and hi.. tho that's always the game they tell you to play, girl, I wasn't playing it.. and it sort of freaked me out a little.
I noticed after a while I was literally leaning back into the left arm of my chair to counter his leaning out towards me from the other side and he was pretty much trying to convince me to go out with him. Ok.. that's your first sign of 'no'.. don't you think? And at first I said sure, sounds like fun. I thought you know, it couldn't hurt to go out with him once.. who knows.. but I let him know I was currently seeing a couple of other people and this is the way it was going to be for a while. His reaction was less than amused but he thought about it for a second. Then he was dismissive and wished me luck...kinda sarcastically too, which didn't win him any points. But I thought ok.. cool. He wants one thing, I'm doing another and this won't work for him. Fine. Case closed.. that's that. Phew!
We began to join other conversations but just after a few minutes, he thought he'd try another tactic..
Him: So you're just done now.. ?
Me: Um.. huh? *looking very confused*
Him: You're done with me now. You've moved on.
Me: Oh.. um.. no... but um.. I thought the going out thing was sort of settled.. right? You don't want to go out with me if I'm seeing other people, which I am. So.. did I miss something?
Him: What about a third? You can date a third guy, can't you? I mean, I'm going to steal you away anyway.. so..
Me: Oh, well, yes, a third person is fine - not sure how much more time I have, but I like the two I'm seeing currently.. so neither will be ending anytime soon that I know of.. Just don't see the stealing happening.. sorry. Besides, you just said..
Him: Yeah, I know.. I'm fine with it.. but I'll steal you away. No I will.. trust me. I'm a great catch.
Me: *laughing* I'm sure you are.. but your first reaction was that this wouldn't work for you.. so be honest with yourself.. really. You aren't going to be ok with it so why bother?
Him: Well I think I've met my soul mate.
Me: Really? You think so? *smiling AND getting a bit freaked out now - soul mate?? wtf?!*
Him: Yup.. Seriously, c'mon.. give me your number and we'll go out. Dinner, drinks and the Nutcracker.. sound good?
Me: *thinking.. ohMYGod.. REALLY gay now!* Hmm.. You know.. no. I'm not going to.
Him: What? Why not?
Me: You've already said you aren't ok with me seeing other people and we haven't even gone out yet. I can't tolerate seeing someone who gets jealous. I won't do that. So you're going on your trip Monday (he brought that up previously).. when you get back, if you're still certain you want to do this, give Loren a ring and he'll have permission to give you my number.
Him: *really shocked now* No! That's crazy! I'm absolutely not going to go thru other people to get your number. Just give it to me.
Me: Nope..
Him: Why?! C'mon.. I really like you.
Me: Ok.. now I've told you why.. please listen.. I said no and I think that's enough.. you think about it and then Loren here will be happy to oblige, but I think you'll agree when you're back, you'll be fine without it. Ok?
This is of course summarized for effect but it's pretty close to how it happened over the course of dinner and then leaving the restaurant where he continued to whine (no really.. he whined! - a grown man of 37!) and pretty much did everything but stomp his feet in protest on the sidewalk in front of those of us who were left. It's too bad, but once I started to feel suffocated, it was too late to save himself. At that point, all I wanted to do was wash off the virtual cling, shivering in relief with every single step that took me further away from that I-can't-breathe feeling. Bleh!
As we were walking away, I smacked Loren in the arm..
Me: Thanks a lot! You created a monster!
Loren: *giggling like a girl* Ok ok.. I won't try that again, I promise!
Well, at least Loren was entertained. It was his birthday. Man, the things I won't do for a friend..
It was all very unexpected in what was mostly a homosexual collection of Loren's work associates and on-the-town boys and girls and therefore, unusual that my gaydar was so far off. I mean, he was wearing a turtleneck for chrissakes. I think that automatically qualified him as not playing for my team. I don't mean ALL circumstances where one, being male, would don the standard cold-weather-neck-covering sweater would, but I mean, really.. there are instances you just.. know.. and clearly, I thought this was one of them.. mistakenly.. especially considering the witty banter initiated, the quick, affectionate put-down comebacks that indicated not only was he a card-carrying member of Gays Of Our Lives, but his best lines were probably picked up from watching too much Will & Grace. I know this cuz that's where my best zingers come from. Where else will you hear 'oh honey, coulda, woulda, Prada..' or 'Love you like a cold sore!' The latter one's my favorite and I used it that night on Loren's boyfriend, Sean, with whom I have a love/hate/hate/hate relationship - as he's coined it. Well, at least we agree on something.. and I savored the small moments after while he held his tongue thinking of something better.. even in knowing my insult was plagiarized.
And then.. somewhere in the conversation, the man next to me must've dropped the fact he was straight three times in a matter of seconds.. and I felt this looming feeling over me - the sense that very soon I'd be barraged by his attempts to hit on me. Silently and without any sudden moves, I tried to see him all brand new like I'd just met him and see if just like.. well, magic I suppose.. it'd work and I would know .. Oh! You're not gay! I don't know what I was thinking! Yeah.. um.. didn't fix anything. Still gay. Hmm..has that ever happened to you? You get a perspective, your first impression.. and it's just not easy to change that once you think you know what to make of them.. right? And their sexual preferences? Right.. you get it.. you're quick like that.
I got away only for a short time while we changed locales and did my best to sit in the middle and near the birthday boy once we reassembled so others might give me a little relief in their company. In that time, I'd also figured out from Loren that it had basically been his oh-so-bright idea to try to set us up once he realized there I was all single.. and there his friend was all single.. so HEY! Why not, you know, set them up TOGETHER?! Yay!! To which I respond:
Me: So.. that's very sweet and all honey if not for the fact that oh.. he's GAY! Wondered if maybe you noticed.. No? Didn't pick up on that?
Loren: No no.. he's not.. he's sooooooooo nice.. really..
Me: Yeah.. he seems that.. but again, oh, I don't know.. STILL GAY! You know.. warn a girl next time will you? Maybe BEFORE she decides someone is or isn't gay based on his sweater choices.. Say something to the effect of.. see that STRAIGHT guy? He's SINGLE.. and NOT gay! Ok? Warning = good!
Loren: *just laughing*
Ugh.. I love Loren for many, many reasons.. but his talent for match-making is not one of them.
So the man sat across from me, next to Loren's boyfriend - who again is not my biggest fan and who so enjoys watching me squirm. It didn't take long for him (the man, not Sean) to get bored talking with the others and focus on me (Sean would do just the opposite actually), which I thought might happen, but still hoped for some sort of deus ex machina to save me anyway. And at that point he pretty much announced to the table when he asked me to come sit next to him - beginning the Suffocation Period - that he was going to hit on me. Yup.. told me just like that.. but hey, he asked if it was ok. Oh, well in THAT case... and then Sean just offers up his seat and tells me to come on over.. um... thanks, yeah.. thanks SO much for making it easy on me.. It's a wonder I haven't perfected the squinty-eyed-head-blowing-up stare yet... damn.
Actually I have to give the guy credit for being so direct. For a girl who really tries to live that way, a lot of the time I'm not as direct as I'd like..and even more so, passive-aggressive at times.. Plus it's tough for a guy to always be the pursuer and I feel for them.. sometimes.. He's a very nice guy tho, I have no doubt, yet his approach quickly became unwelcome cuz it stopped being fun and friendly and was more clingy and obsessive. I was completely on the defensive not long after I was goaded to sit next to him. I was just some cute little carrot he was chasing. The more I denied him, the more intent he became.. and hi.. tho that's always the game they tell you to play, girl, I wasn't playing it.. and it sort of freaked me out a little.
I noticed after a while I was literally leaning back into the left arm of my chair to counter his leaning out towards me from the other side and he was pretty much trying to convince me to go out with him. Ok.. that's your first sign of 'no'.. don't you think? And at first I said sure, sounds like fun. I thought you know, it couldn't hurt to go out with him once.. who knows.. but I let him know I was currently seeing a couple of other people and this is the way it was going to be for a while. His reaction was less than amused but he thought about it for a second. Then he was dismissive and wished me luck...kinda sarcastically too, which didn't win him any points. But I thought ok.. cool. He wants one thing, I'm doing another and this won't work for him. Fine. Case closed.. that's that. Phew!
We began to join other conversations but just after a few minutes, he thought he'd try another tactic..
Him: So you're just done now.. ?
Me: Um.. huh? *looking very confused*
Him: You're done with me now. You've moved on.
Me: Oh.. um.. no... but um.. I thought the going out thing was sort of settled.. right? You don't want to go out with me if I'm seeing other people, which I am. So.. did I miss something?
Him: What about a third? You can date a third guy, can't you? I mean, I'm going to steal you away anyway.. so..
Me: Oh, well, yes, a third person is fine - not sure how much more time I have, but I like the two I'm seeing currently.. so neither will be ending anytime soon that I know of.. Just don't see the stealing happening.. sorry. Besides, you just said..
Him: Yeah, I know.. I'm fine with it.. but I'll steal you away. No I will.. trust me. I'm a great catch.
Me: *laughing* I'm sure you are.. but your first reaction was that this wouldn't work for you.. so be honest with yourself.. really. You aren't going to be ok with it so why bother?
Him: Well I think I've met my soul mate.
Me: Really? You think so? *smiling AND getting a bit freaked out now - soul mate?? wtf?!*
Him: Yup.. Seriously, c'mon.. give me your number and we'll go out. Dinner, drinks and the Nutcracker.. sound good?
Me: *thinking.. ohMYGod.. REALLY gay now!* Hmm.. You know.. no. I'm not going to.
Him: What? Why not?
Me: You've already said you aren't ok with me seeing other people and we haven't even gone out yet. I can't tolerate seeing someone who gets jealous. I won't do that. So you're going on your trip Monday (he brought that up previously).. when you get back, if you're still certain you want to do this, give Loren a ring and he'll have permission to give you my number.
Him: *really shocked now* No! That's crazy! I'm absolutely not going to go thru other people to get your number. Just give it to me.
Me: Nope..
Him: Why?! C'mon.. I really like you.
Me: Ok.. now I've told you why.. please listen.. I said no and I think that's enough.. you think about it and then Loren here will be happy to oblige, but I think you'll agree when you're back, you'll be fine without it. Ok?
This is of course summarized for effect but it's pretty close to how it happened over the course of dinner and then leaving the restaurant where he continued to whine (no really.. he whined! - a grown man of 37!) and pretty much did everything but stomp his feet in protest on the sidewalk in front of those of us who were left. It's too bad, but once I started to feel suffocated, it was too late to save himself. At that point, all I wanted to do was wash off the virtual cling, shivering in relief with every single step that took me further away from that I-can't-breathe feeling. Bleh!
As we were walking away, I smacked Loren in the arm..
Me: Thanks a lot! You created a monster!
Loren: *giggling like a girl* Ok ok.. I won't try that again, I promise!
Well, at least Loren was entertained. It was his birthday. Man, the things I won't do for a friend..
Monday, November 07, 2005
Processing
Saturday night, smiling big and flying high on a cloud of baby-girl-pink sort of happy due to much birthday celebration and oh maybe just a little wine (2 bottles) and maybe a ginger mojito and a chocolate cake shot thrown in (I'm a lightweight people - that's a lot for me), I ended up at a little house party for an acquaintance who's birthday was also just after mine. I didn't know anyone but the two friends who accompanied me and with more wine in hand I scanned the room for familiar faces while getting down with my bad self on the dance/dining room floor. And there, near the dj table, a man I'd glanced at about 30 minutes prior just casually, finally nodded to me as if to say, 'Yes, we already locked eyes for a second but you didn't even recognize it's me and we've only known each other for like, oh 3 years. Duh.' Ok, I added the 'duh' cuz that's how I felt for not even distinguishing this man from a stranger especially since the history, not to mention chemistry, we had (have) has been (and still is, to be perfectly honest) pretty hot, which is probably why we've had more of a fuck-buddy type past, but it's never prevented us from just genuinely liking each other and being friends.
So there was that. Mind = racing due to .. 'thoughts'.. um.. I probably shouldn't have been thinking considering one of my 'friends' was really my date and I need another person to occupy my time like I needed more liquor. Girl is getting plenty of attention. Really. NOT that I'm complaining. No no no.. don't get me wrong.. but shockingly, tho I'm not in the least bit unsatisfied, there remains a lot of sex on the brain for some reason. I feel that even with riding high a top (all puns intended) my woman's prime that my imagination and dreamy subconscience are those of a pubescent 13-year-old boy. Not sure if that's what's supposed to be happening... but hey, whatever keeps a girl young..
Then, right in the midst of my friendly and slightly sexy reunion, it turned into some unwelcome 'It's Your Life' moment and standing against a wall in mid-conversation was someone I wasn't as eager to run into so unexpectedly and most certainly, someone I didn't want to see. Like, at all. Don't be disappointed after such build up when I tell you it was just an ex-boyfriend AND that when it ended almost 2 years ago now, that I'm the one who cut the cord cuz I just wasn't feeling it. But guess who was completely crushed and guilt-ridden and really, really heartbroken by his absence for oh, three months.. Yup. Me. I know.. sounds stupid.. but we were close and had built up what I thought was a decent friendship for a while before we started dating. I adored him and thought we could work romantically, but honestly, and it really did come as a surprise to me, I couldn't maintain those feelings. What can you do tho? You just can't force those things. It wasn't fair to anyone.
We tried to be friends.. something I truly believe in always attempting unless there are circumstances for which I can't get past and forgive. From talking to my friends, I'm also one of the only people they know who is willing to put out this effort, but tho it's usually difficult for someone, I think it can only be viewed as something positive... eventually. And, in this situation, it was much easier for me, obviously. Pretty quickly I caught him lashing out at me in a very cruel and passive-aggressive way. I felt insulted and worse than that, dismissed. I think people are entitled to be angry when they're on the crappy end of a break up, but I asked him directly - many times - if he needed some space and time to heal and we could try again in a couple of months. But he insisted he was fine, no worries, all was ok. But it wasn't ok and after enough times of complete flaking and direct mud-slinging on his part, yeah.. I'd had enough. He came back a couple of months later asking if we could try being friends again, but simply didn't want to discuss anything that had gone on in the past and in order for me to feel better about it I had to talk it out. I didn't think it was a lot to ask, but he refused so hey.. really, thanks for trying there.. like SO much.. yeah.. putting out ALL that EFFORT..
And we disintigrated completely right there and we haven't spoken since.
Out of the blue last week he sent a request to add him to my group of friends on myspace.com (and no, I'm not going to link to it cuz the site bugs). Not even a message attached. Hellooo.. I may be very stupid sometimes, but honey, this girl has a fabulous memory and no penchant for adding people all willy nilly.. I fired off a one word question back without even so much as a blink, 'Why?' He sent back apologies and a long spiel about what he'd been up to, asked how I was, etc., but I was stuck on the apology part cuz at this point.. sigh.. I don't know if I care and once you reach a certain point where people aren't even a speck on your radar anymore, what is the purpose of bringing them back from the dead? When, completely unaware, we'd been occupying the same room in the same house for 45 minutes and upon recognition it catches me way off-fucking-guard... really, why would I pursue that relationship in any way? I'm a compassionate girl, a big-hearted and loving girl, but as I get older, I find I'm less tolerant of the cruel things people will do and say out of anger and it's not my job to always be the bigger person. No I don't see 'bigger person' tattooed to my little forehead people.. I would like someone else to do that before they say and do things they eventually regret. Yes, that's what I would like. I don't usually dismiss people without a good reason and I'm all for the big talk of let's move forward and positive actions blah blah blah.. but my gut clearly said, nope this wasn't a good thing and when your gut talks, you should listen..
We left on the advice of the talking gut and I shook it off like a bad dream of creepy crawly spiders and ants all over me.. bleh! I know it's not the same thing, but ew.. Conflict! Confrontation! Did NOT want to deal. Besides that, I know the one creating all that would be me. Why can't I simply just let it go?? He seemed happy and fine and smiley and oh YAY for him. Me.. yeah, not so much. Just needed to breathe. Air. Good.
I don't like being surprised like that. Usually, yes, surprises are great when they're pink and fuzzy and wrapped with bows and in tiny little bags with printed tissue and funny cards and such.. but catch-your-breath-this-room-couldn't-be-smaller-
I-couldn't-leave-any-quicker sort of surprises don't come with cards and yeah.. no. I don't like.
I know. I'm being ridiculous. You can say it. This isn't the worst thing in the world - absolutely. I don't know why all these complicated feelings sort of attacked me with his mere presence but the best explanation I can muster is there was no closure due to the fact we both just walked away..but the more complete part of that is I haven't yet processed how to do the latter portion of the 'forgive and forget' when someone hurts me deliberately. I can say I've forgiven, and truly, I feel I have.. but if I can't forget, do I really, in fact then, forgive at all? Chew on that, will you? Get back to me when you have a good answer.
Others would say, hey, this is karma. I hurt him first and broke his heart - and a week after that bit of awful, he lets me know that he realized he'd fallen in love with me. Yeah. Put that in your pipe baby.. NOW ask me how much worse I felt.. I dare you.. c'mon. So yes, I would also agree with you that possibly this is the proper punishment - maybe - if I hadn't tried with every nerve in my being to treat him as I had wished others had treated me when they felt the need to sever a close relationship.. and there was class and honesty and care taken. People.. there was care! And you know what? I was STILL the bad guy.
This weekend was a good reminder of many things. First and foremost - this town is too fucking small sometimes. To end up at a party with someone you're currently dating, someone else you.. well.. didn't date.. exactly.. as well as someone you loved dearly.. at the house of an acquaintance! I mean, what sort of punishment is that? Throw in the boy who spread rumors about me being a prude cuz HE didn't hold my hand at the movies in the 8th grade and maybe the girl in high school who threatened to beat me up once.. and I'd practically have myself a Sartre play or at the very least, a decent joke.. OR I could view Saturday as another confirmation that every year I'm stronger, more complete, hell.. happier even and with all I take in and come to realize, yes, I still have a long way to go. And I'm not discouraged.. it's challenging actually.. and that I like.
It was great to have an entire week dedicated to just being the birthday girl.. but it's time to get back to reality and back to being the work in progress that I really am. Maybe I'll put on a tiara for extra effect.
So there was that. Mind = racing due to .. 'thoughts'.. um.. I probably shouldn't have been thinking considering one of my 'friends' was really my date and I need another person to occupy my time like I needed more liquor. Girl is getting plenty of attention. Really. NOT that I'm complaining. No no no.. don't get me wrong.. but shockingly, tho I'm not in the least bit unsatisfied, there remains a lot of sex on the brain for some reason. I feel that even with riding high a top (all puns intended) my woman's prime that my imagination and dreamy subconscience are those of a pubescent 13-year-old boy. Not sure if that's what's supposed to be happening... but hey, whatever keeps a girl young..
Then, right in the midst of my friendly and slightly sexy reunion, it turned into some unwelcome 'It's Your Life' moment and standing against a wall in mid-conversation was someone I wasn't as eager to run into so unexpectedly and most certainly, someone I didn't want to see. Like, at all. Don't be disappointed after such build up when I tell you it was just an ex-boyfriend AND that when it ended almost 2 years ago now, that I'm the one who cut the cord cuz I just wasn't feeling it. But guess who was completely crushed and guilt-ridden and really, really heartbroken by his absence for oh, three months.. Yup. Me. I know.. sounds stupid.. but we were close and had built up what I thought was a decent friendship for a while before we started dating. I adored him and thought we could work romantically, but honestly, and it really did come as a surprise to me, I couldn't maintain those feelings. What can you do tho? You just can't force those things. It wasn't fair to anyone.
We tried to be friends.. something I truly believe in always attempting unless there are circumstances for which I can't get past and forgive. From talking to my friends, I'm also one of the only people they know who is willing to put out this effort, but tho it's usually difficult for someone, I think it can only be viewed as something positive... eventually. And, in this situation, it was much easier for me, obviously. Pretty quickly I caught him lashing out at me in a very cruel and passive-aggressive way. I felt insulted and worse than that, dismissed. I think people are entitled to be angry when they're on the crappy end of a break up, but I asked him directly - many times - if he needed some space and time to heal and we could try again in a couple of months. But he insisted he was fine, no worries, all was ok. But it wasn't ok and after enough times of complete flaking and direct mud-slinging on his part, yeah.. I'd had enough. He came back a couple of months later asking if we could try being friends again, but simply didn't want to discuss anything that had gone on in the past and in order for me to feel better about it I had to talk it out. I didn't think it was a lot to ask, but he refused so hey.. really, thanks for trying there.. like SO much.. yeah.. putting out ALL that EFFORT..
And we disintigrated completely right there and we haven't spoken since.
Out of the blue last week he sent a request to add him to my group of friends on myspace.com (and no, I'm not going to link to it cuz the site bugs). Not even a message attached. Hellooo.. I may be very stupid sometimes, but honey, this girl has a fabulous memory and no penchant for adding people all willy nilly.. I fired off a one word question back without even so much as a blink, 'Why?' He sent back apologies and a long spiel about what he'd been up to, asked how I was, etc., but I was stuck on the apology part cuz at this point.. sigh.. I don't know if I care and once you reach a certain point where people aren't even a speck on your radar anymore, what is the purpose of bringing them back from the dead? When, completely unaware, we'd been occupying the same room in the same house for 45 minutes and upon recognition it catches me way off-fucking-guard... really, why would I pursue that relationship in any way? I'm a compassionate girl, a big-hearted and loving girl, but as I get older, I find I'm less tolerant of the cruel things people will do and say out of anger and it's not my job to always be the bigger person. No I don't see 'bigger person' tattooed to my little forehead people.. I would like someone else to do that before they say and do things they eventually regret. Yes, that's what I would like. I don't usually dismiss people without a good reason and I'm all for the big talk of let's move forward and positive actions blah blah blah.. but my gut clearly said, nope this wasn't a good thing and when your gut talks, you should listen..
We left on the advice of the talking gut and I shook it off like a bad dream of creepy crawly spiders and ants all over me.. bleh! I know it's not the same thing, but ew.. Conflict! Confrontation! Did NOT want to deal. Besides that, I know the one creating all that would be me. Why can't I simply just let it go?? He seemed happy and fine and smiley and oh YAY for him. Me.. yeah, not so much. Just needed to breathe. Air. Good.
I don't like being surprised like that. Usually, yes, surprises are great when they're pink and fuzzy and wrapped with bows and in tiny little bags with printed tissue and funny cards and such.. but catch-your-breath-this-room-couldn't-be-smaller-
I-couldn't-leave-any-quicker sort of surprises don't come with cards and yeah.. no. I don't like.
I know. I'm being ridiculous. You can say it. This isn't the worst thing in the world - absolutely. I don't know why all these complicated feelings sort of attacked me with his mere presence but the best explanation I can muster is there was no closure due to the fact we both just walked away..but the more complete part of that is I haven't yet processed how to do the latter portion of the 'forgive and forget' when someone hurts me deliberately. I can say I've forgiven, and truly, I feel I have.. but if I can't forget, do I really, in fact then, forgive at all? Chew on that, will you? Get back to me when you have a good answer.
Others would say, hey, this is karma. I hurt him first and broke his heart - and a week after that bit of awful, he lets me know that he realized he'd fallen in love with me. Yeah. Put that in your pipe baby.. NOW ask me how much worse I felt.. I dare you.. c'mon. So yes, I would also agree with you that possibly this is the proper punishment - maybe - if I hadn't tried with every nerve in my being to treat him as I had wished others had treated me when they felt the need to sever a close relationship.. and there was class and honesty and care taken. People.. there was care! And you know what? I was STILL the bad guy.
This weekend was a good reminder of many things. First and foremost - this town is too fucking small sometimes. To end up at a party with someone you're currently dating, someone else you.. well.. didn't date.. exactly.. as well as someone you loved dearly.. at the house of an acquaintance! I mean, what sort of punishment is that? Throw in the boy who spread rumors about me being a prude cuz HE didn't hold my hand at the movies in the 8th grade and maybe the girl in high school who threatened to beat me up once.. and I'd practically have myself a Sartre play or at the very least, a decent joke.. OR I could view Saturday as another confirmation that every year I'm stronger, more complete, hell.. happier even and with all I take in and come to realize, yes, I still have a long way to go. And I'm not discouraged.. it's challenging actually.. and that I like.
It was great to have an entire week dedicated to just being the birthday girl.. but it's time to get back to reality and back to being the work in progress that I really am. Maybe I'll put on a tiara for extra effect.
Wednesday, November 02, 2005
My favorite day ever
Please note your calendars cuz today is November 2nd and therefore, my birthday. Did you get that? Miracle Ear turned on? Cuz birthday = Mine! It's also the Day of the Dead in Mexico for all you fact finders out there. I don't know what significance that holds.. I just know that Mexico and I share this very same day as something to celebrate wildly and since I'm some sort of a Spanish mutt anyway, I raise my virtual glass in honor of us all with my dearest and most affectionate camaraderie.Oh AND it's also rapper, Nelly's, birthday too. Like you could forget.. So um.. Go, go, go, go shawty, it's your birthday.. I'm not sure where I'm telling him to go.. maybe since he's like a kazillionaire.. um somewhere he can get me gifts! And Nelly, in case you're reading this and looking for ideas regarding that get-me-a-gift thing, I will now blatantly steal lines from my favorite blogger Miss Doxie to help you, "..my favorite color is 'large diamonds' and my birth stone is 'money.'"
Anyway, back to ME... and this is where I officially welcome you to my birthday! Scorpio-dom in all its glory! 34 years to the day I was brought into the world and smacked on the ass for the very first time (tho certainly not the last..). And I reserve the right to be as attention-whorish as I want since it's my day. And tho they still haven't begun a parade in my name (I'm on a waiting list to speak to the mayor about this gross oversight), in lieu of that, my personal celebration gets a little bit longer every year and is currently lasting well into a week's time or however long I deem it appropriate. So there! Pffft! Stop shushing me!
There are events planned.. don't think that there aren't. Sexy tiaras, sexier people, sexy wine and God knows some sexy desserts. This is my birthday people. Chocolate - and lots of it - will be directly involved. Oh and my favorite sexy bartender I adore - Leilani - from Black Bottle, my new favorite spot in the city. She makes a great ginger mojito and every male friend I've taken there wants to date her (or some other 4 letter word..), but she's better than that. Come to think of it.. I probably am too, but they're still my friends so I have to put up with them.
And then there's the just slightly serious moment where I wonder a little if my birth mother remembers me as I do her. And I send her a little silent thank you and hope she's well with her family and friends and happy in the choice that she gave me a life she may have not been able to provide me 34 years ago - even tho I do think I'm a baby of scandal and affairs.. but this is my Lifetime television event to twist into a tearjerker if I want. So grab a tissue and send over a nice bottle of something, won't you? Think of the children! Seriously, if you want to.. I do sorta have a tiny little thing of a wishlist on Amazon.. oh.. like here if you're so inclined.. you know, to browse.. or.. something. I do like my music and currently slobbering over the new Fiona, Brandi Carlile, Beck and dying, I tell you DYING, for both of The Shins cuz apparently I'm the last one to realize how great they are and yours truly does not have the budget.. no she does not.. and has to wait once a year for the required birthday money in order to splurge on her listening pleasure. Aren't you just so sad for me right now? But no, no please.. don't cry for me Argentina.. really, it's ok. I'll be.. fine.
Wow.. milking it, I'd say.. Sally Struthers should be doing the voice over for this..
So.. needless to say, my favorite day has arrived, I'm a little ball of energy and smiles cuz this day never sucks - and I'm grateful for that. I know it's already slated for everyone to be grateful in a few weeks, but I do take stock on my birthday as well. I have the love of friends and family, I haven't yet gone insane or have any mental defects that aren't completely tolerable, I get a few kisses here and there, and I'm trying to learn from my mistakes and maintain a positive outlook (not that I don't have my bitchy days.. I mean, we all do..). Color me appreciative of that AND the fact that I'm only 1, that's O.N.E. year away from oh.. 35 (!!!), but I still get taken for about 10 years younger.. so yeah, ew.. 40.. God.. that's getting close, isn't it? Ugh.. ok, I'm going to freak the fuck out here in a second.. so back to Yay! Yay! It's my birthday! Yay! And we'll leave it at that. Whoo hoo!
Wednesday, October 26, 2005
Perfectly Imperfect
One of the most beautiful things about being human is that none of us can claim with actual certainty that we are perfect. There are those who strive to live up to some sense of perfection that they think could be obtainable.. and there are those who are misguided and really think they're beyond working at it cuz they're already there, but most of us realize that sort of goal is unrealistic and trying to get there simply results in a vast amount of disappointment.. so we sort of just skip all that overachieving.. I mean.. God.. isn't that exhausting?
So here I am, Miss D herself, not far from my 34th birthday and I'm not perfect. However, I can feel a new sense of realization - it's like a learning I can feel moment by moment... a sort of Alice-thru-the-looking-glass-warpy feeling or even the clichéd lightbulb turning on (however dim), but it's happening and it's .. well, not easy, but it's definitely acknowledged as a good thing. I mean, who are we if we don't assume that there is still much more to learn, much more to grow from in life than we already know so that we may actually become better people? We're stupid to be so arrogant - and by we, I mean the general public, which by the way, isn't anyone I know since all my friends realize we're proud to be The Mistake Makers and revel in what we learn from the many we make.. and by revel I mean, you know... getting ragingly drunk and crying our eyes out.. but same diff..
Anyway, where was I? Oh yeah.. back to saying that we can't be so arrogant to think we have nothing left to learn about ourselves or those around us. And it's so true that the older you get the more you realize how little you do know.. and you shouldn't have said those things to your mother when you were 17 and you shouldn't have called your boss at the cafe a coke addict even if that was actually true cuz he wasn't worth the breath you spent to say it, and you should've said 'I love you' more often, etc., etc. And you just accept your fallibility more readily as you age cuz you know what? It's ok.
Take, for example, what I'm trying to accomplish in my love life.. or rather, what I call my 'love' life when there's no actual love per se really in it.. trying to clumsily learn how to protect myself by keeping everyone a little more at arm's length and continuing to see more than one lucky guy at a time.. (I can hear you commenting out there.. shhh..) My theory is - and stop me if you've already thought of this - that if I can keep myself a bit more at a distance rather than running full speed into something that burns out in a matter of weeks, I'll really get to know who I'm seeing, creating more of a solid base built on friendship and just general 'in like' and 'you make me so happy' feelings and then nothing feels rushed and suddenly, after some undetermined amount of time (and I'm still not sure how to well.. determine that part), that plain old dating evolves into something real that might last a while.. or a lifetime.. who knows.. and tho I have no fucking clue what I'm doing.. it's mostly going rather nicely.
The one side effect of this that, you know, should be obvious, is that I'm not getting very close to anyone. Yes, quite the quandry - keep them at a distance = unclose.. hm.. who'd have thunk? I know, so I'm a little naive, but it's not like I'm not spending time.. I mean.. there's tiiiiiime.. and it's spent.. like.. over tiiiime... so why do I feel I may just shoot myself in the foot here and maintain a distance so well the 'dating' simply boils down to a lot of drinks and dinners out and half-watched movies interrupted by 45, maybe 57, minutes of highly aerobic and horizontal physical activity??? I don't know.. it's just a feeling.. But the point is these relationships aren't ideal.. well, not my ideal or what I'm used to, but it changes my perspective and sometimes you have to shake things up in your world like it's one of those snow globes.. and everything settles around you differently and maybe in that you find the answer to whatever it is you've been wondering for so long...um.. whatever that is.. sorta..
Outside the romantic hopes I have my friends, who, in my opinion, should be stability personified.. I should never doubt them in any regard or question why I've put them in the category of 'friends' cuz how I understand it, they accept me and I accept them and that's that. But - and you knew there was a 'but' coming - when you spend some time reflecting on.. oh.. the last year of your life.. and maybe the fact that some serious time was wasted on going around and around with someone that just has no idea or solid definition of what it takes to be a friend, do you let them go or try to help them understand what you need from them? Thank you, but we only have minimal time for all your opinions in this short bit that is my personal prattling on so I'll just tell you what I think.. since you're here for that anyway.. You work at it. This is my one gold nugget of advice everyone should at least try to heed - unless of course you think all your efforts are as worthwhile as banging your head against a wall.. then of course, maybe put on a helmet or stop once you notice the bleeding.. but the idea is that you have faults and they have faults but goddamn there is no 'opt out' box when things get complicated! Why? Say it with me.. cuz that is NOT the definition of a friend... unless you're in Bizarro World, which is where I thought I was recently, but hi.. I wasn't..
And just in case you thought, 'Hey.. this girl has no idea what she's talking about..', which is true most of the time, I'll give you that, but let's just go quickly to www.dictionary.com and I'll show you..
So here I am, Miss D herself, not far from my 34th birthday and I'm not perfect. However, I can feel a new sense of realization - it's like a learning I can feel moment by moment... a sort of Alice-thru-the-looking-glass-warpy feeling or even the clichéd lightbulb turning on (however dim), but it's happening and it's .. well, not easy, but it's definitely acknowledged as a good thing. I mean, who are we if we don't assume that there is still much more to learn, much more to grow from in life than we already know so that we may actually become better people? We're stupid to be so arrogant - and by we, I mean the general public, which by the way, isn't anyone I know since all my friends realize we're proud to be The Mistake Makers and revel in what we learn from the many we make.. and by revel I mean, you know... getting ragingly drunk and crying our eyes out.. but same diff..
Anyway, where was I? Oh yeah.. back to saying that we can't be so arrogant to think we have nothing left to learn about ourselves or those around us. And it's so true that the older you get the more you realize how little you do know.. and you shouldn't have said those things to your mother when you were 17 and you shouldn't have called your boss at the cafe a coke addict even if that was actually true cuz he wasn't worth the breath you spent to say it, and you should've said 'I love you' more often, etc., etc. And you just accept your fallibility more readily as you age cuz you know what? It's ok.
Take, for example, what I'm trying to accomplish in my love life.. or rather, what I call my 'love' life when there's no actual love per se really in it.. trying to clumsily learn how to protect myself by keeping everyone a little more at arm's length and continuing to see more than one lucky guy at a time.. (I can hear you commenting out there.. shhh..) My theory is - and stop me if you've already thought of this - that if I can keep myself a bit more at a distance rather than running full speed into something that burns out in a matter of weeks, I'll really get to know who I'm seeing, creating more of a solid base built on friendship and just general 'in like' and 'you make me so happy' feelings and then nothing feels rushed and suddenly, after some undetermined amount of time (and I'm still not sure how to well.. determine that part), that plain old dating evolves into something real that might last a while.. or a lifetime.. who knows.. and tho I have no fucking clue what I'm doing.. it's mostly going rather nicely.
The one side effect of this that, you know, should be obvious, is that I'm not getting very close to anyone. Yes, quite the quandry - keep them at a distance = unclose.. hm.. who'd have thunk? I know, so I'm a little naive, but it's not like I'm not spending time.. I mean.. there's tiiiiiime.. and it's spent.. like.. over tiiiime... so why do I feel I may just shoot myself in the foot here and maintain a distance so well the 'dating' simply boils down to a lot of drinks and dinners out and half-watched movies interrupted by 45, maybe 57, minutes of highly aerobic and horizontal physical activity??? I don't know.. it's just a feeling.. But the point is these relationships aren't ideal.. well, not my ideal or what I'm used to, but it changes my perspective and sometimes you have to shake things up in your world like it's one of those snow globes.. and everything settles around you differently and maybe in that you find the answer to whatever it is you've been wondering for so long...um.. whatever that is.. sorta..
Outside the romantic hopes I have my friends, who, in my opinion, should be stability personified.. I should never doubt them in any regard or question why I've put them in the category of 'friends' cuz how I understand it, they accept me and I accept them and that's that. But - and you knew there was a 'but' coming - when you spend some time reflecting on.. oh.. the last year of your life.. and maybe the fact that some serious time was wasted on going around and around with someone that just has no idea or solid definition of what it takes to be a friend, do you let them go or try to help them understand what you need from them? Thank you, but we only have minimal time for all your opinions in this short bit that is my personal prattling on so I'll just tell you what I think.. since you're here for that anyway.. You work at it. This is my one gold nugget of advice everyone should at least try to heed - unless of course you think all your efforts are as worthwhile as banging your head against a wall.. then of course, maybe put on a helmet or stop once you notice the bleeding.. but the idea is that you have faults and they have faults but goddamn there is no 'opt out' box when things get complicated! Why? Say it with me.. cuz that is NOT the definition of a friend... unless you're in Bizarro World, which is where I thought I was recently, but hi.. I wasn't..
And just in case you thought, 'Hey.. this girl has no idea what she's talking about..', which is true most of the time, I'll give you that, but let's just go quickly to www.dictionary.com and I'll show you..
- friend ( P ) Pronunciation Key (frnd)n.
1. A person whom one knows, likes, and trusts.
2. A person whom one knows; an acquaintance.
3. A person with whom one is allied in a struggle or cause; a comrade.
4. One who supports, sympathizes with, or patronizes a group, cause, or movement: friends of the clean air movement.
5. Friend A member of the Society of Friends; a Quaker.
Ok.. so the Quaker part was certainly news to me.. but hey isn't that exciting that we could all be Quakers? That's sorta fun, isn't it? Ok.. just saying.. geez..
Ali (see: definition above, #3 to be exact), in his attempt to comfort me on my recent dismissal by someone I considered a good friend, offered this little tidbit, "You can't take stock at the end of every business day and determine who is and isn't your friend because they should be taken as a whole and every once in a while you look on the relationship you have with that person and you say to yourself.. yeah, he's alright."
Well..hmm.. it sounded wise to me at the time.. maybe you had to be there.. but I get it.. pffft..
So, to recap what we've learned in this chapter: Angel is not perfect, we should realize we don't know everything, dating a few people is kinda tricky, not as tricky as say making balloon animals, but hey, it's something new, friends suck if they simply give up on you and therefore aren't friends at all, and Ali is a sweetheart who's advice is probably sorely misquoted.. oh and you too can be a Quaker.
Yes, that's quite a bit to absorb so I should let you get to it. But I leave you with one more little gem of a quote I think is quite sweet:
You come to love not by finding the perfect person, but by seeing an imperfect
person perfectly. --Sam Keen
Or as Stuart Smalley used to say, 'I'm good enough, I'm smart enough and doggone it, people like me!' Don't ever change, baby..
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