Pulling Out That Negative Thread

I know I'm supposed to be writing you all about my adventures that I had for a week in the middle of a dried up lake bed in Nevada with my friends and roughly 50,000 other strangers, but life has been happening since I've been back and that might have to be discussed first. Also because the day to day of Burning Man I blabbered all over my Mac in a looong love letter to the Boyfriend, it has to be edited. Lots of work to be done still.

Til then, let's talk about coming back.

Life was more of the same this time than upon my return last year. I have to say, my re-entry to normalcy and a mostly dust-free environment was slightly disappointing. First of all, I was less tan. Wtf? I don't think I was out as often or for as long this year. Or maybe I had better sunscreen. Damn! And last year I came back with this Zen-like high of calmness that I rode for weeks. This time, that feeling was barely noticeable. I'm not sure why the difference. But beyond spending basically three days straight with the Boyfriend where we barely left his apartment, I came back to who I was before I'd left rather than a shinier, more advanced version of myself.

How do I explain? I dunno.. I think it was all the sun I absorbed last year - and some of it had to do with having no shade structure whatsoever til like day three, which = not smart and hi - old lady wrinkles by 40.. uh uh. Yet, that's my guess and it was a really good thing. Hi, I live in Seattle. According to movies made in the 90s, it rains nine months out of the year here and they don't lie. Sun and all its glory make all the difference in your outlook if you can find a way to get the percentage you're sorely lacking during the rest of the time you're being soaked by drizzley weather in just the one or two vacations you get a year! Phew!

Last year, for weeks, nothing bothered me, work was smooth, I was.. ahh.. peaceful. It was this odd feeling that I welcomed completely because it'd washed over me without me even noticing.. a happiness as well as this easy confidence. One of my friends said I would certainly come down from it, which was odd to me because I felt 'down', not high up and out of control. I was grounded and calm.

Eventually, my ocd-caffeinated-yappy-chihuahua self came back, but it was a slow conversion. When I did see my evolved twin had gone, I missed her and looked forward to the next trip when I might find her again.

But she didn't come back in the same way. She wasn't missing, but she wasn't as obvious and she didn't linger. I'm not sure if I crowded her in with the company of the Boyfriend and I during our reunioning and that sent her away more quickly or what. But I have to admit, for a little while after I returned.. like um.. two weeks, I could barely be without him. I think I was trying to suffocate that ache I felt for a week of no contact, no emails, no texts, no calls.. and yes, I know you're groaning over there with disgust. And I'll admit to being 'that girl'.. but show me another person who can be around me as close to 24/7 as you can get for 2.5 months straight without once being annoyed or loving me any less or freaking out cuz he doesn't know what he wants.. because y'all know he's a fucking miracle.. right? So yeah, I maybe missed him a whole freakin lot.

All joking aside, I would kill to have that Burning Man joy and warmth still going within me because something pretty yucky has developed and maybe that's why Miss D version 2.0 made her getaway so quickly.

That vicious little child who lives inside me - who came out earlier this year at work when I was pushed to an edge I couldn't come back from - seems to be raising her ugly head again. I kept thinking it was a personality conflict when it started here at work then and I do think in that situation that was partially true. But I have these reactions - not sure what it's from or if it's 'fight or flight' and therefore I'm the girl who usually fights - but whatever it is, it's not good. They're not calm, they're not positive, they're hurtful and angry, full of resentment and a lack of explanation as to why I can't say one of oh.. 85 other things and in a much calmer and supportive way. It's ugly. I feel very Jekyl and Hyde and become this very frustrated monster.

This time it seems like I have more of an idea of what it is - I feel marginalized, I feel left out, not important enough, valued enough, not included. I have no idea why I feel these things though and no idea why my reactions are so excessive to the point of hurting others, causing scenes and conflict and overwhelming tension.. not to mention, really making no sense when I try to explain why I feel these things and/or what caused it.

I have an appointment to continue my counseling tomorrow. I'm trying not to expect too much because it can move slower than I'd like it to, but I just want to fix this before I leave a slew of damaged relationships in my wake. I'm lucky at this moment it's not affecting work because I feel more reserved there, as if I learned that lesson. But I take the freedom I have outside of my office for granted - and that I can just say whatever I want to others because of that freedom. That's not the case. That's arrogance. And it's not fair to others around me - to Shine, to Jake, to the band.. So far Shine and the band have taken the brunt of it. But there was even some crabbiness on the way home from Burning Man with my friends in that crew, which I thought was just all of us pushing ourselves to exhaustion. I don't know if any of that is what it is - I just know it's happening too often. And discussing it with Jake makes me scared it will bleed over to that relationship as well if I'm not careful. Even if it doesn't, why would he want to be with someone who beyond the drama, creates exhausting and destructive situations that are possibly unforgivable? You can't continue to think an apology for those kinds of things will wipe the slate clean. People lose patience. I might still be a good person.. but I might be a good person who needs a lot more counseling before she becomes a full-fledged abuser of some sort. I don't know.. is that extreme to think so? And if so, am I so off-base? I have no idea. It's just what's going thru my mind.

Whatever the cause, it's inexcuseable and I'm terribly ashamed. I don't know when that feeling has been so acute before but I think it's getting the message across clearly that I need to take serious preventative measures in my behavior before I do or say something that's irreparable. Tho to be honest, I'm not sure I haven't done that already..

Oh to acknowledge your own hubris as a human being is extremely humbling. I only hope I can make these changes swiftly and completely so those who love me don't lose their patience or their faith in me.. I don't want to continue to let them down. I don't want to continue to let myself down. I don't recognize this person. I shouldn't need a vacation to bring back a sense of evolution and growth. It should come from within me. Wish me luck in finding it.. soon.

What's The Story Morning Glory?

Alright bitches my people.. I'm back. I've been back, yes, I know.. however, holy crap it's taken me a long time to recover and clean up and yes, I'll admit, the boyfriend and I have pretty much been glued at the hip since I've come home.

Love. Whaddya do?

Well.. that's private. So there.. but I'VE MISSED YOU GUYS! I need to get some writing done soon and I will I promise! There will be pictures and funny stories and more pictures.. and I'm at a good place finally to make a little time to accomplish this.. so if you could just bear with me a little teensy bit longer, the three of you who haven't given up on me, I will not let you down.

Hang in there.. be back soon! xo

Tripping The Life Fandango

Don't you wish some weekends could go on forever? That you could find that elusive Independent Wealth and spend your time traveling with your fantastic boyfriend to exotic lands and lazing on beautiful beaches or hiking thru foreign countries with only what to have for dinner as the biggest problem you might encounter because there are just too many choices and too many wonderful people you've met who want to bring you back to their home in that quaint Tuscan or French village where you dine at a long table filled with breads, wines, cheeses and more food than you could imagine.. "Ah.. yes," you say.. "I do wish this," or maybe that's just me and my extended day-dreaming. So there was no French/Tuscan-type village, but there was a mountainy sort of western town. I mean.. it'll do.

There was hiking, there was family met, sooo much wine and many a scrabble game won and lost as well over the Meet-The-Family Weekend. The verdict? Um.. I fit right in, surprisingly to me! I'm good with parents usually, but there can be some sense of formality that might relax over time. Jake's family was comfortable to be around almost immediately tho. It was easy. Well.. the hike wasn't easy for me.. I did it, I'm just not used to oh.. eight miles in the mountains. Whereas Jake ran the last mile..... Ran. Hi. Overachieve much? God.

The drive up and back gave us lots of time to talk and joke around and just be together. With both of our crazy schedules, having a 3 1/2 hour drive each way to be in each other's company seemed like a luxury. And what I really like about us is that same comfort and ease I just mentioned is our biggest asset. We don't work at this relationship - at least not yet.. and maybe that point will come, but right now it just feels good all the time to be apart of something that at its core and foundation is a strong feeling of stability. No matter what happens around it, it still remains intact. It's so satisfying.. that feeling. It's so nice not to have to guess with him. He isn't thrown by anything and he rarely, if ever, gets upset and never at me.. It still feels too good to be true, but I've stopped pinching myself because I know how real it is now and I just smile. A lot..

The only time that weekend we weren't smiling was when we were both green from the windy drive. It had both of us craving ibuprofen and gingerale no matter who drove or who was the more unlucky passenger. He was a little crushed when I mentioned I get that way on boats too.. not to mention I don't have to even be on a boat to get that way. At a restaurant once whose bar is downstairs at water level, I got extremely ill because the water rippling right by the window made it look like we were moving.. and swaying.. and oh God.. I'm green just thinking about it. Yeah.. he looked at me that same way you're looking at me now. I know.. it's weird. Shut up.

The only hiccup of the whole trip is that because I had no cell service, I'd missed a call from Mom the night we arrived telling me they'd taken my step-dad to the hospital because he'd basically turned yellow. I got the message that Sunday, two days later, while we were in 'town', which means 'has cell coverage', with Jake's family and getting ready to sit down to a lovely dinner.

I felt a rush of guilt and worry for missing the call, but Mom said there wasn't much to tell me because the doctors didn't seem to know anything. More tests would happen during the week on Monday. This would also delay any prostate operation that was to happen that week til this issue cleared up. But since then, the issue hasn't really cleared up and instead, upon further not-so-fun investigative tests with a fancy somethingorother that was inserted down my step-dad's throat to check out and biopsy his liver, they found a small tumor.

He's apparently looking less yellow, which you know.. yay.. but we won't know the results of the biopsy til this week.. and depending on what's found out there, then consulations and other meetings between the smartypants doctors and my family will be scheduled and discussed and I'm not even going to be here because I'll be on my way or at Burning Man and also, completely out of range for more updates. And y'all know I'm worried because.. well.. I'm me. And it would be nice not to have to watch my mom go thru this again because she's been happier than I've ever known her to be and you know what else? Ick.

When I sat back down for dinner with Jake's family and didn't have much news, his mom looked at me and very sweetly said, "It'll be ok," which was just nice to hear outloud and made me feel better. It reminded me of Jake because he says that all the time to me, but he locks eyes with me when he does it. It just feels good, that focus, and it settles my nerves. The man has some amazing mojo.

So let me just tell you my schedule this week to see if you get a teensy idea of the crazy my life will be in the next six days:

Monday (today)
8:30am to 5:30pm: Work.. yawwn..
5:31 t0 6:15pm: Run home and feed Ms. Emma and Shine's dog, Moo, while she's out of town til Wednesday.
6:30pm to 10pm: Tech rehearsal (cue to cue and run thru today) and hope all sound issues with cd player can be fixed.
Sometime non-specified: Call Mom, mail band studio rent check, get cat litter (seriously).
After 10pm at minimum: See boyfriend sometime for maybe an hour before I pass out.

Tuesday
8:30am to 5:30pm: Work - same shit, different day.
5:31 t0 6:15pm: Run home to feed dog/cat. Convince dog her three min walk is much longer than it actually is.
6:30pm to 10pm: Tech rehearsal (dress and run thru).
Between all those times: Try not to worry about Mom and Step-Dad, see if I can bag out of dress rehearsal due to MASSIVE amounts of errands for Burning Man I have to run, wish that Target could stay open til 11pm for special people like me if not able to bag said rehearsal.
After tech: Begin to stress out a little and vent to calm boyfriend who is probably only pretending to listen while half asleep.

Wednesday
8:30am to 5:30pm: Worky worky work.
5:31 t0 6:15pm: Run home to feed cat/dog (man they're demandy).
6:30 to 10pm: Final dress rehearsal with audience (ACK!) and attempt run thru at 7pm.
At some point between when not stressed (right): Check in with Mom.
After 10pm or later: See boyfriend after rehearsal and try to have real conversation, but fall asleep mid-sentence.

Thursday
8:30am to 5:30pm: Blahblahworkblah.
After work: Roommate back and feeding dog/cat because I'm house managing opening night!
6-ish to 10pm: Hope show goes well and cross fingers I don't mess up cash box or something else kind of important, let the fact that I leave for Burning Man in three days start to sink in.
After show/1opm: Try not to cry on boyfriend's shoulder because really.. that's just silly.

Friday
7:30am to 5pm: Work til 5 due to God-forsaken early 7:30am mandatory meeting.
5:01pm: Thank God it's Friday.
5:30pm: Run to Trader Joe's to pick up snacks for gala at end of show.
6:30pm: Set up said snacks, house manage again, run thru all the things in my head I still need and haven't yet taken care of that I have only tomorrow to do because hi - LAST DAY TIL I LEAVE (and last day with boyfriend for eight stupid non-communicative days - no crying! I am a rock!), show show show.
After show/10pm: See boyfriend, tears not shed (if I can help it).

Saturday:
7:50am: Sleepily kiss boyfriend goodbye as he has class (on Saturdays??) at 8am and wish we could sleep in together.
7:51am: Pout.
7:53am: Maybe go back to sleep but then freak out because I still have so much to do.
8:30am til um.. done: Do all those errands I was freaking out about, pack, take as much of said packing to friend's place wayyy across town to get things in order in the RV before we leave at Crack Of Ass Dawn tomorrow, figure out what else I have yet to do - do it.
6pm til none of your business: Meet up with exhausted boyfriend after he's napped and had shower after class and figure out plans for our last evening together before trip, probably cry.. definitely have sex.

Sunday:
7:30am: Delay leaving house til last possible minute so I can have as much time with boyfriend as I can and say goodbye like in those Big Red commercials.
7:44am: Wimper.
7:45am: Head to Paul's house & chin up thru wimpering.
8:10am: Finish last minute details of packing, verify everyone has tickets, and finally - Leave for Burning Man!

Is it just me or doesn't that seem like a lot to pack in? And I still don't know if I'm going to make it to every store I need to get to, not to mention that I must think money is just coming out my ass because wow I'm spending it uber fast and in large quantities and still have so many things left to to get. I know it'll all work out, I know Jake and I will not die being apart (I know, you're shocked), the show will go swimmingly and I will think positively for my step-dad because I just have to.

Planning and taking this crazy, bohemian trip, allowing myself to feel loved in a very happy and growing relationship with this incredible guy, rocking out occasionally with the band and challenging myself with my new position in the theatre are all signs I'm living as much as possible.. Even if I had laurels, I wouldn't have time to sit on them! I'm kind of proud of myself.

I'll post if I can just prior to leaving. I know last year I had Treena and Indy sub in for me and they were completely amazing and way awesomer than me. I didn't have time to secure anyone this year, so I hope you can wait eight days plus some recovery and boyfriend isolation time and that it's not too terribly long for you. Do read up on Miss Doxie since she's back and cuter than ever and there's also Mimi Smartypants who makes me laugh long time. She's right up there as funniest blogger ever. My own close and personal friends I highly recommend in addition to Indy and Treena: Shine, Eight, Kari, and my favorite little brit, Léonie. I think you have plenty of reading to do now so no excuses on being bored.. you hear me? I'll miss you all madly!! Mwah!

Cross Your Fingers They Like Me..

Ok you guys.. it's time for a list instead of a real post.. even if this list isn't going to be so bullet pointy, but more paragraphs following bullets.. or.. something to that effect.. I'm sleepy, it's late, I haven't packed, and I'm trying not to be nervous, so this is what you get.

* I'm meeting Jake's parents. Tomorrow night. Hi. I haven't met 'parents' of a boyfriend in oh.. years. I haven't had a boyfriend who had parents in at least that long.. Wtf.. ? No, I'm not nervous at all. Not in the slightest. Even tho I will totally trip walking over to shake their hands or something. You wait. I'll bet you a dollar. They'll think I've been drinking. On the road no less! Awesome. Let's hope there's wine there. Then I can really embarrass myself. Wait.. we're bringing three bottles.. right. Drunken shiksa impression already insured!

* Oh.. did I mention they're Jewish? No? Yeah.. they are. I'm.. not. Apparently, they don't care and I'm currently without a religion at this time. I told him to tell them I always wanted to be Jewish.. Seriously, I have. I don't know why.. Eight presents for Hanukkah maybe? No. Bad answer.. bad (I had to spellcheck Hannukkah.. see? I've already disqualified myself. I'd make a horrible Jew. Crap.).

* I did say I haven't packed. I'm sitting here at my kitchen table, typing this post for you, my FIVE lovely readers, no packing has been done - minus a point - two loads of laundry have tho - extra points - the bed hasn't been made - minus one point - So You Think You Can Dance is on pause because I can't concentrate on packing or blogging if it's playing - moot point for that - Damn. How many points is that? -54? See.. I'm going to overpack and look like one of 'those' girls when I arrive at their cabin away from the city and amidst trees and rocks and woodland creatures and with only one pair of shorts (Dude.. Seattle's expensive ok? And summer is practically over..) and who knows what else.. my bra straps hanging out probably. But maybe as long as I bring my hiking boots and a bottle of ibuprofen (I hear the 6-7 mile trail is all uphill... oh.. yay.. *wimper*), I'll be ok.. and if I say that enough, maybe I'll start to believe it..

* He met my parents last weekend, which I know I forgot to tell you. Met them at the casino. Let me just explain: My mom and my step-dad met at a casino. Six weeks later, they were engaged. I guess it seemed fitting... I walked in and was STRUCK DOWN I tell you with the sheer power of second-hand smoke. Holy mother of all that is good and holy.. HOW do you people BREATHE in a place like that?! You'd think it would be filtered out. You'd think your NON-SMOKING ROOM would NOT smell of it.. but funny thing about cigarette smoke - yeah, it doesn't read those signs. It goes wherever it wants to. So while the parents were gambling (til 4am, thank you!), I got ready for bed and was overcome with that smell while brushing my teeth. It was like someone was sitting on the counter with a lit cigarette and blowing the smoke IN my face. Nasty.

* Jake was a peach tho and drove all the way down to Tacoma to meet us there, gawked at the people who frequented this casino (as we were leaving later that night, we saw two girls out in the parking lot getting ready to go in - and by 'getting ready' I mean one literally had curlers in her hair that the other was hairspraying and taking out. Um.. in the parking lot. Ew.) and he had the same look I did when he first walked in after the Smell Of Cancer engulfed him. But we took my parents far, far away from there and out to dinner on the water in Point Defiance and they loved it. They loved him.. The night was beautiful. They called me the next day just to tell me how great they thought he was. He even said how 'laid-back' and 'easy-going' my family is. Hm.. I guess they are. I never thought of that. Makes me wonder where I get this control-freak, slightly OCD personality.. No one would call me laid back.. ever. I think I was jipped.

* In the meantime, I've been busy trying to coordinate the next show of Balagan's season, Arabian Nights, because getting a jump on arranging my crew would be ideal. Jake is directing and I wanted to be a little more organized and ahead of schedule since Burning Man will eat up a good week of plan time. Eight's agreed to be our stage manager, our friend Elvis, who also worked the Erotic Art Festival gala with Eight and I, is going to be our sound designer and I roped in another friend of mine, James, to do original music and help design since he plays fancy and funky Indian and Persian-y type instruments, which will set the mood perfectly. I secured a costume designer and someone to coordinate audition nights too! I'm seriously getting a handle on this production manager business, I tell you.. I kind of rocked today.

* And while I'm giving out some acknowledgment for rocking right now.. I want to mention how my very sweet boyfriend casually mentioned yesterday after rolling in from his scheduled massage that he'd bought me one too. Like.. for no reason - or just because I said I was jealous when he said he was off to his appointment, which he really needed. But my POINT is that hi. It's a massage.. as in mmmmm.. and it feels SO nice.. and the place was amazing and there was soft lighting and comfy rooms and a great practitioner and I was high for like half an hour afterwards because it was AN HOUR.. I mean, the man even TIPPED her ahead of time. It was fantastic, this gift he gave me. Just because. How much does that NOT suck? Ahh.. the man Rocks. My. World.

* Ok.. he's going to kill me when he gets here, ruining all the benefits of said gifted massage, because I haven't packed a thing so I best be getting to it yo.

Hope you all have a fabulous weekend! Wish me luck!! Mwah!

Mixed Tape

Ok.. I'll admit that I think I've turned into one of those girls that somewhat just about completely disappears when she has a boyfriend. In my defense, I'm trying to keep up with my friends via some form of communication like text or email and thank God Mom calls me or I might forget that too because Jake and I clearly only have eyes for each other right now. I'm still making band practice and all the theatre meetings that he's not even in so responsibilities aren't being shirked in any way.. but we both count the hours, minutes.. whatever is left, which sometimes seems like an unbelievable amount of time before we can be together again.

I told you we were gross.. ok? You were warned.. Oh, don't give me that look..

The other thing I've turned into? One of those girls who celebrates 1st month anniversaries.. which, yes.. I'm aware one month does not an anniversary make.. but I don't care. Have we not discussed how long it's been since I've had a boyfriend? You're not new, right? We haven't just met? Because I should be allowed to revel in something that feels this special, that I know already is going to last longer than this first, second and - tho I can barely believe it - even third month. We both know. Time isn't something I'm worried about, however, I still want to be able to acknowledge its passing because.. you know.. it just makes me feel good. I'm frickin ecstatic..

I think I've also had a difficult time talking about anything that's happened outside of Jake and me, which is ridiculous that my world is skewed so much. In our second week together, I welcomed my friend, Jedi, into town as my Foo Fighters concert date. I'd had tickets for months and we were not in the least bit disappointed. He took me to dinner and we caught up about our lives and our significant others (now that it seemed I might actually have one) and then we enjoyed one of the best concerts EVER. Yeah.. Dave Grohl is on my list - my Awesome Rockstars/Celebrities I Wouldn't Kick Out Of Bed For Eating Crackers list.. but not really because I think he's all that hot.. more because he's as cool as all get out.. I don't have a Cool As All Get Out list tho.. but if I did, Dave couldn't be at the top of that because there are just too many people in Real Life I know who would be ahead of him - like Jake would probably take the first five spots because I'm gross like I've previsiously mentioned.. and Shine and Eight and some other people.. but besides, Dave has his own list he's at the top of. He should be happy enough with that. But thanks to Jedi for hanging out with me!

So what's the next step you ask? Tho possibly meeting the folks is right around the corner.. and actually, it is.. that isn't next. No no no.. let's not get out of order here even tho yes, 'madly in love' barely cuts it and all the falling to get there happened rather quickly - but you just know sometimes.. 'you know like you know a good melon'.. (extra points if you know what movie that's from) - but no.. that isn't the next step. It's that very sweet gesture of pure twitterpation.. that simple need bursting from your heart to make your new love a mixed tape - or the cd equivelant thereof..

I hear you saying, 'Yes! I know that feeling exactly!' Or maybe that's just the sound of many of you gagging.... whatever, close enough. The maple-syrupy cute is running over us pretty constantly so that's where we are. Not going to apologize for it.. no way.

He was done first.. and being a fancy marketing type of guy, it's gorgeous. The cd itself has a label on it, something I can't make like.. ever.. because I can type, ok? I own a Mac, yes.. but that's the extent of my technical knowledge right there.. those TWO things. Beyond that, my eyes glaze over and all I hear is 'blahblahblah' when you try to explain it.

Anyway, back to my mixed tape. So he gave it to me the other night and I was ever so swoony because he couldn't have been sweeter.. but I was a little shocked because he put a picture of me from last year's birthday on the front cover. It's an incredibly cheesy ass smile.. and ew, I don't want to look at myself all day and he looked at me like I was crazy and he didn't get that at all, which you know.. cute.. And the cd has this pretty label with a red artsy design for the background.. and all the song titles and artists are listed in a perfect circular fashion in white, but are prefaced by: 'For Angel (cuz she's awesome!)' and at the top center, above the titles, 'With Love.' And all the songs are supercute and I've been listening to it non-stop.

I'll be honest.. he'll be lucky if he gets one with a label at all and it doesn't have stick people on it drawn in smudged sharpie.. or it'll probably look more like a ransom note from a serial killer.. awesome. Either way, let's hope he thinks it's cute. I'm almost done with it, but paring down my choices right now. Does it count if you find the perfect song he should've given you but you give him instead? Are there rules for these sorts of things?! I've been out of it so long, I don't know! Crap.. I might have to save myself by wrapping it. If you don't know this, I'm one of the awesomest gift wrappers around.. I swear to God.. the things you don't know about me, people.. you have no idea. Cd crafting? Yeah.. not my forte.. but distraction with wrapping? Oh I'm ALL over it!

Part of the reason Jake and I feel so clingy right now besides being fairly new and in our cheese course/salad days, is that I leave for Burning Man at the end of the month. I know it's silly.. but when you spend every night together and a good portion of the weekends and still aren't getting tired of each other or even on each other's nerves a teensy bit, spending eight days and nights apart with no way to communicate once past Gerlach, NV is looking like we might both go a little insane with missing each other.

My perspective has changed regarding this event that I've looked forward to for most of the year I've been away from it. Where before I was really excited to get away and be welcomed 'home' as everyone does when you're in the entry line to Black Rock City, I'm more torn than I thought to leave because Jake doesn't get to experience it with me. The friends going with me who make up the four newbies are looking to me in my second year for guidance and together we've already decided who will cook most often, what we'll need to bring, etc. We're gearing up to teach Boz and Paul how to ride bikes prior to arrival (seriously, of all the people in the world who don't know how to ride a bicycle, how did we end up with two of them in our troupe?) and getting costumes and other fun things acquired. We're going to have a fantastic time together - that's certain - and I'm thrilled to be going with this particular group of friends. We know so many other burners now and have other friends in theme camps doing awesome things while there who've invited us over whenever we want. We've got our placement on the big clock and we'll be just below the Esplanade in the midst of all the action and thumping techno. I've no doubt this group will have an easier time acclamating themselves than Kat and I did last year.. but I have to admit that I'm also already thinking of how much I can't wait to be back home and in the arms of this beyond-amazing guy who I'm crazy about..

I'm really in love with all my latest adventures. I haven't been this happy in a really long time.. and it's not only a really nice change - it's calming. The band is coming together, the theatre is evolving, I'm looking for a new direction as far as the day to day employment, I'm off to the desert with really good people around me, and I've met someone who may very well qualify as being the love of my life. My heart is full and I'm content. For now, yeah.. I think that'll do.

The Nth Level Of Happy

So you know what I forgot for the second time in a row? My blog-versary. Hi. It was in April. Hellooo.. where the hell was I?! A mile-marker of THREE YEARS passes me by and I COMPLETELY forget til three months later? Wtf? Because all of you have been so incredibly sweet and supportive.. those of you who've stuck around and those of you who've even come and gone.. and those of you who are new. I love everyone of you and appreciate the stopping by and taking in all my ramblings because holy crap.. I can talk.. as you all know.

I love that you're all over the world in little smatterings, but I don't need 100 hits a day to feel like my writing is there for me, for you, for a little entertainment for everyone involved.. and to make it all worth it. It's my outlet.. and I try to share enough so you can know me and keep enough out so no one is hurt and there's some privacy for the necessary people and things. So thank you for coming by, thank you for your comments and I hope to see you all here in another three years at minimum.. unless of course, I get run over by a bus tomorrow.. then that could impede that process.. but other than that happening, I'm pretty sure I'll be around.

Yay! Happy Belated Blog-versary To Me!

*******************

The rest of my world couldn't be righter.. I mean, honestly, I don't remember the last time I was this crazy happy. Like, it's insane the amount of time I spend smiling and trying to calm the butterflies in my stomach that have seriously exponentially multiplied since I've been seeing Jake (The Director), my adorably sweet, sexy, funny, owns-his-own-theatre and fucking brilliant BOYFRIEND. That's right.. It's been EIGHT YEARS people, which, incidentally, is more than half the time I've even lived in Seattle thank you - stupid more-women-than-men-per-capita problem here.. God.

So it's awesome.. He's awesome.. like.. Rockstar Awesome, which is the best kind of awesome. And we're so frickin cute we're gross.. like that couple you see at Starbucks unable to stop kissing and giggling that you want to put out of your misery.. yeah.. that's us. We'll annoy you. We send 'I miss you's' in some form or another all frickin day - pictures we find, youtube videos.. I mean, he sent me this one the other day.. and there are little terms of endearment in extra small print at the end of our emails in various languages just to be extra cute and my heart gets all melty. Like there is just no way I can say that any of this sucks at all.

This last weekend, we had a pretty fantastic time of planning dinners together, wandering Pike Place Market like tourists, almost getting heatstroke on the deck while we had afternoon drinks (true story - he had to take care of me because I suddenly was so overheated and had no idea), going to game night at a friend's house where we won an outrageous amount of Twister, and I could feel that we were becoming more and more connected. Sunday was a bit stressful with theatre meetings amongst the company and the first production meeting for the first show of the season. There was a lot to do and when we finally made it back to his place to close out our evening, we knew, overall, not only had the whole weekend been really productive, but we'd had so much fun doing it.

Just before sleep, we have these moments where I think we both feel we can't get close enough to each other. And Sunday night, after this amazing weekend, that's where we were.. He'd already told me, in Japanese no less, that he was falling in love, but I couldn't say it. Or I couldn't look at him if I wanted to say that it was happening for me too. I told him over text that it was going to happen like any second.. and that night, not even realizing I had the voice to say it, I told him that I thought 'any second' had already passed - not that I could look at him while I said it.. But this man looked directly into my eyes and told me very sweetly that he'd already fallen for me completely........

And my whole world stopped for an entire minute.

I didn't breathe, I didn't even move because I didn't want that exact second to pass and be forgotten - when my heart grew about three sizes.

And then I realized he'd really said it - to me - and I buried my head into his shoulder and was somewhere between giggling and crying from being overwhelmed with that amount of simple happiness. I really couldn't believe it.. honestly, I still can't..

Did I mention he LOVES So You Think You Can Dance? AND musicals.. AND can play the guitar frickin beautifully?? The first time I think I stayed over with him, he pulled out the guitar and played whatever he was making up, which was lovely. When he was done, he took a moment, then broke into the beginning bars of John Mayer's 'Your Body Is A Wonderland' and I was like, "No No No.. c'mon now.." but was laughing the whole time and accusing him of blatant cheesiness, which he copped to. AAAAND he just lent me a gorgeous acoustic so I can finally learn how to play! YAY ME! Like seriously, the man is spoiling me.. HOW did I find him? I ask you.. because I have no idea. I think he's fucking magic..

So.. um.. you might want to prepare yourself for gushy posts.. tho I'm trying to keep from writing out too much saccharine.. but I mean, come on.. EIGHT YEEEAAARS people.. I think I deserve to be a little sugary, don't you think? Hee..

** I'd also like to give a big shout out to Fatima and Scott who share a birthday today. Happy birthday to the hottest mom I know.. and to the man with the pair of the most beautiful blue eyes I've ever seen. Happy all around! Mwah!

Don't Blink Or You'll Miss It

Alright.. FINALLY.. sheesh..

There is just so much going on I tell you.

No really.. I'll tell you.

First of all.. the weather is crazy. It was like 81 at night last week. The band studio? You don't even want to know.. it was like seventh-level-of-Hell hot in there. And when all the moving you have to do means standing there and singing.. how can you be sweaty doing that? I ask you.. how?! I don't know.. but you CAN because I. Was. Sweaty. Ugh. And then just before the 4th, in came the dark grey clouds and the clap of heavy thunder and this awesome lightening for TWO days with penny-sized hail! Seriously, I'm waiting for the swarm of locusts any minute..

I do love it when it's warm but I'd take 80 and a light breeze. Maximum. And maybe not working in a stuffy hotter-than-it-is-outside-because-the-air-conditioning-must-be-putting-out-
HEAT-instead-of-something-cooler-helloooo cubicle farm. Yeah.. that could help. Either way though, summer has finally arrived so yes, I'm happy because the energy in the city when we're not all melty feeling is a good thing. Everyone's in flip flops and tank tops, extra nice, and extra smiley. And the city is simply stunning at night from our roof. Sparkly and romantic.. ahh.

With sunny days comes the fact that pretty much everyone in the city is in heat. Men are flirtier because all the women are wearing less.. and it's like the spring we never had this year. It's about time because winter lasted for a century and just a couple of weeks ago it was like 45 degrees.. and it's just wrong to be wearing a sweater in the middle of June.

Some of that flirty chemistry has finally headed my direction. The Actor from last winter contacted me a couple of months ago. He was in a new show so I went with Yoda and we both thought it fantastic. We met up for drinks after he was free from that lengthy run and I was done with my shows at Balagan - and not surprisingly because sometimes I'm just clueless, I figured out well into it that it was a date and that didn't suck at all.

You need to know that I'm a sucker for a talented man.. especially a good actor or if he can play an instrument of some kind. Add in a wry and witty sense of humor and a little glint in his eyes and I'm finished.

I was drawn to The Actor's ease and his talent. He's sweet and funny, but he's more on the mellow side of that. I think last time I wasn't sure if he really 'got' me or my sense of humor. We were both a lot more relaxed this time around, but there was still the matter of matching schedules and things like that. For some reason, it just never seems to be the right timing for us because someone else walked right into that available space.

Always prone to the most complicated relationship I can find, this one would be no different. He's involved with the theatre I'm now the production manager for - which is already a pretty small company.. and well, he also might be 10 years younger than me. As if there wasn't enough drama involved on stage.. right? Oh you know this is how I roll.. I'm hip with the kids.. and I'm sure there's a six year limit either older or younger that I made for myself when I was thinking rationally and that was my boundary.. but I simply can't be held to hard and fast rules when he's cute and funny and is flirting with me. Also, when there's alcohol.

Pretty quickly after I started stage managing the last two shows, we hit it off and had an easy rapport, always joking around and texting about our evenings. I was living a bit vicariously thru him since his dating life seemed a lot more exciting than mine and I caught myself a few times thinking it was good he was dating someone because I felt a little drawn to him - and I also noticed he would send texts much later than he should.

A week before the fourth, the plan was to meet up and work.. and by work I mean have tapas and drinks during happy hour while creating the guidelines for my position of production manager at the theatre. It'd been a long week at work, stressful and frustrating with reviews coming up and some emotional issues with my friend's father passing away. By Friday, I was beyond ready to relax and release all the negative that'd built up over a pitcher of sangria and what I assumed would be a few laughs with him, The Director (neither of us could think of anything better.. so that nickname will have to do).

There was an extended plan with Boz who was meeting me after all this 'work' to hit the party thrown by The Director's ex, also part of the theatre.. we'll call her Red. I adore her and we get along well. She and The Director seem to have a very healthy friendship for being exes and owning a theatre company together. Not an easy task.

So... almost three hours later, the entire pitcher of sangria gone, along with two more cocktails for each of us, and the job description done in all of 20 minutes, The Director and I were acting like a pair of crushing high school kids. I mean, Boz arrived and tho he was great and I love hanging out with him.. wow did it get awkward fast.

The Director and I said goodbyes and that we'd meet later at the party and the first thing Boz said when we were alone was that he'd bow out if I wanted to pursue other plans because he and I aren't bound to each other that way anymore.. I declined his kind offer and he came to the party with me anyway.. more awkwardy times ensued and The Director told me later he was actually a bit jealous, which surprised us both..

Over texts the next day we admitted to what was going on the evening before and made plans to meet up and discuss it that night.. again over drinks and food and how I didn't see those as groundwork of a first date, I don't know. Sometimes I'm incredibly daft.. honestly.

It was just like the night before tho.. easy and fun, we laughed the whole time, even when we brought up the seriousness of dating within the company and how others would react.. but you can only worry about others so much.. and I can't let questionable opinions deter me from seeing where something might go with someone I genuinely like.. and who, shockingly, likes me just as much.

So um.. I'm kind of smitten. And you know what? So is he. How awesome is that?! So. That's how awesome. Hee.

In other news, my little Lulu just turned two years old.. and I had the best time at her birthday party yesterday.. She couldn't be cuter and her new little brother is getting quite adorable too. Fatima is the most stunningly beautiful mother in the history of mothers.. I mean.. she just is and her husband can cook, can anesthetize someone, can build things, can landscape.. I mean, there is just no stopping him. They're a pretty damn cute family and I'm sending my little niece the best wishes for her second year in this world. Don't you want to see the world with this much joy? I wish time didn't fly by so fast so we could all take the time to feel this kind of happy.. Wishing all of you that right this minute!

Sunny Days

I know I need to keep up here.. and I've done a crappy job of it lately.. but holy cow you guys.. it's 85 here and days like today don't make me want to stay in and write - tho I am cleaning and getting some errands done.

Miss Shine's family comes in this afternoon so I will officially get to meet Mama Shine, which I'm very excited about. I think I have a date later.. kind of.. I mean, men are strange when the sun comes out.. and I'm writing a post about my blog-versary that I frickin missed again! I'm retarded.. BUT.. I'm happy right now.. at this minute.. and I like that. 

There's so much to discuss.. some great: I'm the new production manager for the Balagan Theatre! And some crushing: my friend Abby's father had become seriously ill in a very short time and passed away unexpectedly this last week.. Girl I'm sending you all my strength and love right now.. sigh... 

So for the rest of you.. get out there and enjoy this gorgeous weekend. Have a popsicle! Life is short you know.. now shoo!

Breathing It Out

I used to run for an hour on this perfect route I had around Ashland when I was in college. My favorite was coming out of my afternoon classes into a rainy evening and actually looking forward to a run where I would get completely soaked. It was hard. I'm not a runner. I'm pigeon-toed from the right hip especially, but it was something I got into and started to feel I needed.

A couple of years ago my lower back began to hurt when I would lay down or get up in the morning. As time progressed, I eventually couldn't touch my toes without pain and I was starting to have these very quick but frightening back spasms that literally had me on the floor when they would occur. My acupuncturist I started to see regularly knew it wasn't from any trauma, but just living life. Pretty simple, but unnerving as well. I had to stop running and certain other exercises that used my back. I couldn't even run down the block if I was late to anything, which we all know is often.

After about a year of treatment, I stopped last fall and the pain hasn't returned. I felt sure enough to start running again recently and tho I run for a lot less time than I ever did, I think overall it's still working for me. I don't think this body is made for that kind of exertion on the joints and I'll never win any races, that's for sure.. which is just fine with me.

If you've ever done any kind of running for exercise you know that feeling after you're done. I don't think it's just me who feels like I'm mentally clearer, my eye sight seems sharper, if I sing in the car on the way home, my voice is brighter and stronger. I feel whatever stress has lived in my day was left behind in the last mile, the last stretch of pushing myself to complete exhaustion and poof! Vanished like that. I tingle. I feel the air on my skin. I'm tired, but alert, worn out, but exhilarated.

With work and life complications on my mind, the gym has been the place where I don't feel tied to anything. I'm in my own space, I only think of the minutes passed and the minutes left on the timer, the reps I've done or have left to do.. I try not to obsess about my body flaws and just envision feeling strong. I have a rhythm and a pace and I concentrate on my breathing and making sure the oxygen gets to every cell I can imagine it reaching.

Last night when I was there running out my day's concerns, I was fine until I reached the point I was done and began to stretch. I closed my eyes and tried to pull into all my muscles and stretched as long and as far as I could. But with my breath, my worries began to creep in alongside. My faults from the day, how I could've been a better person but chose not to be here and there, how I responded, what I said, did, and felt.. my discomfort regarding a particular relationship that isn't even something established and that I'm keeping at arm's length by choice.. all clamored down on me and I started to get emotional.

I felt very small.. I wanted to stretch my way into the smallest ball of a person I could and disappear into some sort of impossible invisibility. That dark place I'd discussed about being most of this year was trying to regain its footing and I didn't want to let it, but it's proving tenacious. So I let all the negative in and found more things to add to it. But then I did something that even surprised me: I asked forgiveness of myself.

I went down the list, eyes still closed and still breathing into each stretch and I thought of the last few difficult months that Shine has endured with me.. and then proceeded to recognize our most recent chat that could've escalated to frustration, but I found a calmer voice and more appropriate words than I had in the past and we had a very productive discussion that made us both feel better.

I thought of this very uncomfortable situation between the woman Boz is dating and myself and tho we do like each other as women, the weight of knowing each other as friends is too complicated for me to take on right now. The opportunity to get to know her and how great of a person she is matters, but at this time, it doesn't matter more than my own self-preservation and prevention of drama where all parties are concerned. I forgave myself for coming to a conclusion that may seem closed-minded, but is the best decision for me currently. I do hope at some point in the future that changes.

And as far as my work environment, I'm not always the best at relaying something out logically because the emotion can cloud it, however, I said what people would not say, I made valid points clearly, and tho they don't recognize my passion for what it is or even know why I feel it, they understand I'm integral to the company. I'm aware they feel that way, but I can also see that I feel wasted in ability and for who I am and that responsibility falls on me, not them, to do something about that eventually. I forgave myself for allowing my professional life to affect me negatively outside of work and decided I'd start working towards a serious change in that direction.

The things I focused on after that: I talked to my Canadian prince, Ali, and wished him a happy 33'rd birthday, reminding him how deeply I still loved him and felt the warmth of that velvety voice and the love he still feels for me wash over me. Shine offered her open-hearted wisdom, which I let sink in and gave me a much-needed hug before she called it a night. And I thought seriously about the discussion Eight and I had during the day about all these complications and wished him my love and gratitude for being supportive when I really needed guidance.

I felt very loved when I went to sleep and tried to send that energy back out to the Universe and to all the people in my life who accept me as I am - flawed, certainly, but not boring either.. Mostly I know they know how sincere I am in my efforts spent trying to be a better person all the time. I'm safe in that feeling.

I fell asleep worn out, but comforted. Emma snuggled up and purring and my last thought was damn.. that running thing is really good for me. Who knew?

In Focus

After a very long Monday in the Cubicle Farm, which I dragged my frustrated self to and will continue to do so til that elusive Independent Wealth falls in my lap, I left feeling more exhausted and frustrated than I did this morning. Did I almost go home and go to bed afterwards? Ummmm.. yes.. but I didn't, ok.. so there! I ended up at the gym because I knew I needed to expend the last bit of irritated energy into something good for me. Hey! Look at me! Isn't that growth?! I think.. maybe it is!

Ok.. this is starting out WAY too excited for how I'm really feeling, which is reflective and all mellowy.. not that you can tell or anything but seriously.. on the couch, Emma asleep on my ankles in a way that would make it difficult to move so honestly, really not jumping up and down here.. not in the slightest..

Anyhoo..

I hate the gym.. I go because I need to. Because if I didn't, I would be as big as a house. I eat normally and pretty healthy, however, I still like to eat. So. If I don't work out, my metabolism isn't awesome enough to keep me slim like some lucky bitches people out there. But more than that.. when I'm done, I'm clear. Clear of the fog from the day, awake, fatigued, but in a good way, happier. I feel like I've shed a skin. The sweat has released me and yes, I stink and I'm a mess, but it feels great when I'm done and I walk out into the chilly Seattle June evening.

I'm unhappy with my job and my love life.. but having direction, having an outlet helps. I mean, like I said before, spring arrives late to this area.. so like all of a sudden, if I don't give myself some sort of fix vertically, I'm going to be tempted much too easily and make some rash horizontal decisions.. I mean, hi, I'm a scorpio.. it's in my nature. Not that it's not going around because GOOD GOD does the boy next door get busy.. like ALL THE TIME and even RIGHT NOW.. THIN WALLS MAN.. Could you give it a rest?! Some of us are barely keeping ourselves out of a nunnery! No need to brag so loudly! God! I mean, yes, I get some very good opportunities with Boz, but he can't be my answer. It'd be nice to have someone a little more steady and oh.. I don't know.. who actually cared to see me more than maybe at 1 am on a Saturday night.. and that's not to say that I'm not just as guilty. But see.. this is again, why I'm doing things for me..

The Balagan Theatre kids had a little get-a-way this weekend and decided they might like yours truly to be their production manager.. of every production! How rad is that?! Wait, I'll tell you. Pretty rad! Possibly even the raddest! And I'm ever so excited about it and, if I continue on the Path Of Rad by doing well with all this mad responsibility they're going to bestow upon me and don't completely fuck it up, they'll make me a part of the company! And I know you can't see my face, but trust me.. UBER smiley about that. That's my goal right now.. to be an integral part of a collective of artists that are dedicated to what they love, which is creating fantastic work that also doesn't suck. I may be overwhelmed and stressed out eventually, but I couldn't have asked for more. It's a gift and I really adore them for being such amazing people and asking me to work with them.

Now the band.. well.. we still don't have a name. And don't think it's because I haven't tried, people.. because I have.. holy crap. The Kickin Gypsies sounded too folksy, The Drunken Angels couldn't be kept because a former member in the band had a drinking problem.. and you know, being Angel and having 'angel' in the band name feels a little narcissistic. Tho I think it's great for somewhere in a soul band's name in my opinion, but um, I'm not everyone.. so.. fine. Then a friend came up with The Notary Public and if you live with it for longer than two seconds without dismissing it like a Negative Nelly (and you know who you are), it starts to sink in.. and personally, um.. I think it's awesome.. however, after it was suggested, there were many jokes about being The Dept of Bureaus and it just went downhill from there. Then it was The Get Downs or The Git Downs, which sounded to some like a country hip hop band.. or a hick funk band.. and whichever it was, wasn't good. Not to mention that tho it may not be copywrited, there are like five other bands on myspace alone with the name. Junebugs? Taken. The Mayflies? That too. I posed The Bottle Cap Angels and that didn't take, but they went on and on about The Bottle Caps til they found that another group cornered that one first (and thank God). So we're back to the drawing board of lame suggestions and kids' soccer team names - The Dragons? The Noble Dragons (Miss Shine was quick to quash that saying it sounded much too much like The Mighty Ducks. Thank goodness she had my back because.. do either of those say soul band to you?)?? But I have some good ones we're not using so if you need a band name.. um.. I've got a few I haven't shared. But hey.. you know creativity ain't cheap.. just saying.. damn, I should go into marketing.

So I don't get everything I want.. these unavailable men that twitterpate me into next week.. and the unknown dream job.. not to mention this messed up 49 degree weather in frickin JUNE frankly sucks ass and I would like just a smidge of the 90 degree heat Chicago can't seem to share.. but I feel like I just finally got some air. I can breathe and doors are opening and with that, light is being shed on this dark place I've been for half the year. And honey, I clearly stayed there way too long.

Happy Days

Do you SEE this view? THAT is my view from our roof! How incredible is that? I'll tell you. SO. That's exactly how incredible it is.

It's Sunday on this Memorial Day holiday weekend.. and it was supposed to rain. I think it did, but not when it mattered. We've had something of a gorgeous couple of days and it made for a lovely brunchwarming yesterday here at the A-team's modest abode.

We had Shine's homemade strata and caramel rolls that I simply wanted to live in and I made waffles and scrambled eggs. We poured a few bottles of champagne for cranberry or standard mimosas, sat in the sun on our deck and the rooftop one (not at the same time, of course) and visited with our friends. We were given a number of flowery plants and bouquets that made the party complete and colored our apartment into a bright and cheery place to be after everyone had left in pursuit of other sunshiny activities.

Shine and I high-fived on our teamwork and still-in-tact-and-clean home afterwards. Oh yeah,we had a good party.

The view from our rooftop deck makes the money we spend for rent feel worth it. It's more expensive than the last place but the landlords love us - and I mean LOVE. We can do no wrong in their eyes. Summer afternoons and evenings we can use the roof to have last minute barbecues or drinks with a sexy date if we wanted to. Well.. theoretically. We get a view of the city and the rich in their fancy sailboats lazily drifting on the water. It's a vast improvement from the last place and it finally feels like we've settled in.

I've been busy trying to focus on me a lot more lately and it feels good. It limits the social life, but there's socializing of sorts. I've met some new people associated with the Balagan Theatre, which I'm doing some stage managing for right now and really enjoying being a part of their current show, Take Me With You. I'll be doing the same role for the next show as well, Road Movie. Both are one-man shows played by Mark Pinkosh who is a wealth of talent and entertainment on and off stage. His partner, Godfrey, who wrote both plays, will be in town next weekend and I'm excited to bend his ear about his writing, which I really love. It feels good to be involved even if I'm not acting. They even gave me keys to the theatre. Clearly my oh-so-innocent face and batting eyes are an advantage when trying to network. Whatever works, I say.

Participating in the band is just icing on the performance cake. I'm loving it. It can be frustrating when I can't figure out where I can harmonize or what I can offer to an old classic soul song that originally had no harmony or back up in it in the first place so then I have to find a purpose other than the frickin tambourine while on stage (Have you ever played a tambourine? For real? They kinda hurt after like a minute. Ow.). And some songs are so old they can't be found on iTunes or Google and it's a guessing game what they're singing - but the whole thing is rewarding as hell. We don't even have ten songs that have come together completely yet, but we're moving along and getting some down. We'll need a lot more in order to have enough to fill an entire evening at any given bar.. but it'll happen. My friends are excited to hear about when we'll be doing that and I'm nervous, but not thinking quite that far ahead yet.

I did something that even surprised me tho. I invited Boris to join the group. We only had the one sax to represent the horn section and if you know any old soul music, there are a lot of horns in those songs. When the boys mentioned how a trombone or a trumpet could help, I thought, how convenient that I know a trumpet player.. and a damn good one at that.

He sounded enthusiastic about the idea when I posed it to him.. and so far, he's been to one rehearsal and loved it. I was really happy to see him when I walked in that night. We had previously decided that with more than just us to focus on, we could have fun and possibly strengthen what's become a very marginalized and weakened friendship since the break up in February. And tho this is a new development and I want to give it room, I'm impatient and mostly disappointed with his lack of communication since. I don't get the feeling he's leaving any space open in his life for me. Maybe there's no need. We both took some time and space to process - me needing more, I'm sure - but I feel having done that, I've put it away and let it go.. so, personally, I'd like my friend back. I've told him as much too. So I know either it didn't register or, and more likely, he doesn't feel the same. Maybe that will change, but when a lover vanishes from a significant place in my life, I'm never prepared for how vacant and crappy that feels.

I wonder sometimes if we were ever good enough friends for real.. or if we were just biding time knowing each other til we found our way to being romantically involved. Because even tho we put in the friend time prior to that and I thought we were close, I don't feel like we're friends regardless of what happened. I feel like we're just exes who maybe can't be friends because that attraction won't go away. Not one that pulls you from across a room. The difference is that now we're just forced to ignore it and we don't allow it to hold any weight. So what can you do when you're willing to put in the effort but it's simply not reciprocated? Nothing I suppose other than allow your initiative to lie there like dead lettuce, which kinda sucks.. but I can't do it all by myself, you know? We're meeting up tomorrow for dinner before rehearsal and I'm hoping we'll figure out how to get past all this quiet between us. Crossing fingers anyway.

There's one more day of this gloriously long weekend and I'm frickin thrilled about it. I love No Work Mondays. Especially No Work Mondays where I'm allowed to sleep in AND where I get to meet my new nephew! Especially those. I get to rehearse with the band after that and THEN I'm meeting up with Boz for some private catching up since he's been on the east coast this weekend visiting family. Added bonus. It's not supposed to be sunny, but I don't care. We had two extra days of unexpectedly warm weather and you can color me appreciative.

I have to say, this holiday weekend that included not leaving for the actual holiday at all, hasn't been so bad. Not even a little. Having no plans other than our brunchwarming and riding high on spur of the moment seems to have excelled beyond my initial expectations of.. just not knowing what to expect past Saturday afternoon. And look! No packing or unpacking. Two of my highly UNfavorite things. I say that's a fantastic weekend of holidaying when there are no unfavorite things that require your attention. I do indeed. You should try saying it yourself. I will even stop typing so we can all focus on you. Go ahead now. Yes. That's right. Now. No really. Go. Seriously.

Oh The Changes Abound!

Well there's been some developments around here.. and for once.. they're all pretty good. The weather is humid and warming up and Saturday it actually hit 95! Ok.. yes, lovely, but OW. And in other places of the world this is normal. This is great! Yay May! But when does that ever happen here? I'll tell you.. ne-ver. A few of my cute summery dresses have even made a few early appearances and they were pretty thrilled, so I heard.. 

So you saw the tattoo.. ? I take it you did.. It's something I've been thinking about for a few years and just didn't know if the design would be something I'd be really happy with for.. oh.. life. But Tony, my work crush, had started his design with this awesome woman, Roni at Hidden Hand, and it just inspired me to finally pursue it.

We messed with the size and a little of the shape always returning back to the original that I'd brought in. We narrowed the claws a little and discussed color, but I was soooo indecisive.. really not knowing what I wanted for sure.. thinking I did and clearly not at all. So I left to think about it further, but not without making the next and final appointment.. just one week away. I wanted something soon, but just far enough out to build the anticipation. 

Funny that I wasn't all that anxious - just a little nervous, mostly because I had my last tattoo done my junior year of college.. uh.. double digit years ago now and it took maybe 15 minutes. I remember that it hurt more than I thought it would, but this one took much longer.. and within five minutes of her starting, she had to stop because there was something going on with the gun. It was good tho to have a rest because I noticed that my whole body was tingling.. like I was high (not that I would AT ALL know what that's like). She said it was endorphins.. all I know is that was the last time I remember it not hurting while I was there.. because after that.. holy friggin crap! Ow! I thought my skin was being scraped off over and over a millimeter at a time. So surprise, right? I'm a complete wuss.

I sat on the table and then she had me lean over the back of a chair, which was good because I had the arms to grab onto when I was tensing every part of my upper body in order to keep my lower back relaxed. I couldn't handle it at all tho at first. I was barely breathing and when I was, I breathed out a little too fast and was making it difficult for her. She was very soothing, but firm with me about the not moving part. She would say 'Try not to..' but what she meant was 'Don't'. And eventually, I just buckled down and even sometimes pushed slightly into the pain because I didn't want to be the one to mess up this entire endeavor. I clenched my teeth, I swore, I whined.. but I did not cry - and I kind of thought I was going to - like who cries over getting a tattoo?! That's the dumbest thing I ever heard of. But after about 45 minutes of that, I was shaking so much from the adrenaline I could barely hand her my credit card, let alone sign my name to the slip. But ooooh.. was I proud!

So I had the tattoo.. and you know what goes with that? A band! That's right.. I'm suddenly in a band. A classic soul band to be exact. A classic soul band.. with no name at the moment.. but who cares? I'M IN A BAND! 

Some of you might not know (I mean, even tho we're all longtime pals, we are virtual pals - tho I still love you to bits!) but I sing a little. A lot actually.. all over.. in the car, at work.. wherever. I'm decent. Better than Britney, but not as good as Christina - to put it not so accurately simply. 

I've been thinking for a while that I need to pursue more artistic adventures and five minutes after searching Craig's List for bar stools for the apartment and getting tired of that, I clicked 'musicians' for the hell of it. I saw an ad for a singer for a classic soul band - mostly back ups and some lead possibly.. and there I was responding to it like an eager little beaver.. er.. well something that sings.. and.. that's eager. Ok.. nevermind. You get the gist.

She emailed back, I sang in her kitchen all a capella style - you know, very formal and nerve-wracking - met with the band the next day and I was in! And ohmygod!! It's so fun! I'M SINGING IN A BAND PEOPLE! How rad is that? I'll tell you.. it's way more than rad! And I actually didn't know it was possible to sing more often than I do now.. but it is! 

Then the weekend just got a little nuts with activities. Friday night on the verge of the weekend heatwave, I met up with Yoda who is so busy he never goes out much. We decided on Thai food before our evening of entertainment, which was a pair of comp tickets to The Actor's latest undertaking at Taproot Theatre - Over The River And Through The Woods, which was fantastic! We didn't know anything about it, but holy crap was it funny and extremely well acted and witty and sweet.. I sort of fell in love with it and so did Yoda. Gave us a lot to talk about afterwards and The Actor came to give hugs and say hello. It'd been a while since I'd seen him and his family had come to see the show as well so we didn't exactly have all the time to catch up, but we've got a plan to do that over drinks for an as of yet unspecified date. 

Saturday was a spur of the moment trip with Yoda to The Land Of All Things Swedish, aka Ikea. Both of us settling in for a good few hours of Major Purchasing - and ohhh.. did we ever. I got a fancy white leather Klippan number (due to Ms. Glamorous Herself having a fit of anger we think over Ms. Shine staying home so much when she was ill with the flu and then trying to go to work for four measly hours.. so little Ms. Kitty missed her madly and decided her best option to communicate her exact level of mad was to pee on our old one. Oh what a world it would be if humans dealt with anger the same way.. can you just imagine?!). It's oh-so sexy and still minus it's legs for the time being.. but it's pretty fabulous. We all agree. 

Clearly, not having exercised enough by walking thousands of miles thru Ikea's warehouses, I hit the gym for a bit.. then met up with my friend, Scott, for some dancing and dj'ing by Miguel Migs, whom I love. Unfortunately, it was literally how hot I imagine Hell to be and when Boz texted around 1 am asking if I wanted to meet up for some company, I thought he'd given me a much better reason to be sweaty. 

Sunday was filled with a) couch delivery at 9:30 am, which included jetting from Boz' like the wind to meet the delivery guy who didn't call before he arrived, b) meeting up with Curls (a newer girlfriend of mine who's joining our Burning Man camp) to start sewing some furry boot covers as part of our collective costumes - and they look pretty damn rad, if I do say so myself (for someone who did NONE of the sewing, mind you - that's me, fyi.. I did the cutting. She sewed. She's a gift, that girl.), c) I then ran to Wazhma's baby shower for a couple of hours and she looked glowy and beautiful and d) off I went after that to rehearsal for the band til 10pm! Dude - I'M IN A BAND! 

Seriously.. it's a little hectic and about to get even more so because of this next show I'm stage managing for the next four (4!) weeks.. and since it's friggin late and this post is stupidly rambly, I'll get back to you with more on that later. Get some sleep and dream lovely things.. and if a band name floats thru your subconscious, try your best to remember it and send it to me, ok? No, I'm really not kidding. Think 60's soul.. but try not to use the words 'soul', 'rock', you know.. that sort of thing.. because you know.. we're a little teensy stumped.. so help a girl with a band with no name out, won't you? Mwah!

It Hurt Like Hell, But Isn't It Awesome?!

The Evolution of Family

I drove down to Oregon to check in on the parental units a couple of weeks ago. Mom's been in good spirits with all this gardening weather and my stepdad is quite the character. He's really grown on me as a solid person in my mother's life - not to mention mine. When I call to talk to Mom, more often now, I feel comfortable catching up with him too. I'm not sure why that was so hard at first. It's taken a while for me to let him in, but he's a sweet man and deserves all the respect and love I can give as his stepdaughter. He still calls me 'girl', which sometimes makes me think he's calling a dog.. but I know he means well and he really looks after Mom. I love that he does that for her. Mom is a different person since they met. 180 degrees happier and more positive. Who doesn't want that for their mom? It's pretty great.

She called before my visit to tell me that they'd found out my stepdad had been diagnosed with prostate cancer.. and my heart broke a little for her. She told me in a quiet moment we had together that she didn't think she could go thru it all again. I instantly remembered some choice moments in her struggles with Dad, a lot of which I wasn't there to witness, but I saw enough of them and the effects it had on their already obligated relationship. It was an agonizing experience. My Dad was a good-hearted man.. but life with him normally was often difficult. Life with him plus leukemia was searingly painful.

Dale is a completely different kind of person, but I know Dad would've liked him. He went out of his way when I was there to ask me if work was getting better, how my therapy was going, and relayed a story about going back into the workforce after the Vietnam war. It was a very different situation, but he tried to relate to me, to show me he understood my difficulties by sharing his memories of his own personal growth and still offered me encouragement, not to mention told me how proud he was of me for my choices. It touched me. My parents never said those things to me and not that I hold it against Mom, but I'm still quite aware of that fact. It was a sweet conversation and it's not something I'm used to having with my family. It made me feel closer to him and for the first time in eight years, that the space left open by my father - the most important man to me in my life - was finally and appropriately filled again in my heart.

It was my father's birthday yesterday. I've been missing him a little more here and there. When I was buying my new car, when I did my taxes, when I have to get out my girly wrench or hammer for some small repair in the house.. I wish I could call him and tell him what I did, ask him questions about financial things or what I should do about my life. He'd call me Susie-Q and I'd remember that sometimes he'd whistle thru his teeth on the s's. I remember the steely look of his light blue eyes when he was angry with me and how he'd go on an and on even if the argument was over and no one was left in the room to hear him. No, he wasn't perfect and he wasn't always happy, but I always knew he loved me regardless. I forgave him for all his anger because he was damaged inside somewhere and it was just too late for him to change that.

One of my closest girlfriends called me on Sunday and told me her father died. We knew it was coming. It was just a matter of when. In seconds after she told me, she was breaking down in heavy tears. I tried to stay strong for her and hoped that she could feel whatever consolation I could offer from that distance over the phone because I've been thru it and it helps just to know someone is there. It's one of the most awful hurts to lose a parent and I hate that she has to go thru this now. It isn't fair. We're supposed to be much more grey and aged when our parents pass away and when they go in their 50's, even if they weren't the most ideal example of what a parent should be, the weight of that kind of pain is crushing. ** I love you Kar.. and you're in my thoughts.

When I called to check in after getting home from the weekend, I asked a few more questions and Mom said that Dale should recover completely. He won't have to do chemo or radiation and it'll be a small operation to remove the prostate. Good prognosis - but they need to get it scheduled and their doctor said nothing was open til August. I was very territorial then and told her if she couldn't get anything earlier than that, they were coming up here because that is just too long to wait. Mom had a good laugh over me being so pushy.. but he's made such a difference in our lives. Mostly hers. I'm certainly not going to let anything ruin that if I have any say about that.

As far as my Seattle family, Shine and I have had some rough spots lately. Things build up between roommates and the moving took a lot out of us. Tho things don't feel as crazy in my life, I haven't been the nicest person lately and couldn't find a way to discuss what was going on without it coming out the wrong way. But something finally clicked and Shine and I found a way to say everything we needed to say and still be supportive friends. I forget that ultimately I'm a child of a couple decades of verbal abuse and I don't acknowledge that enough because I can't go on thinking it didn't affect me. I don't want to use it as my excuse, but abuse is a repetitive cycle and only begets more abuse. It's difficult for me to admit that's part of my internal battle with myself, but hell.. it's also why I'm in therapy.

So with the air cleared and that uncomfortable weight lifted, Shine and I got down to business finishing our apartment. We spent the weekend being creative and finding the perfect spot for each piece of art we own and all of a sudden, everything felt warmer. We were home. Everything looks pretty frickin amazing too. Emma and Moo laze about comfortably near each other and play more often - not together of course. That would never do for Emma. She's far too glamorous.. except when she poos in my closet. And Miss Moo is the picture of the most well-behaved dog.. except when she digs thru the bathroom garbage because one of us forgot to close the door when we went out.

But this is my home with my 'family' in it. I love that it's reliable and consistent and isn't going anywhere just because we don't always agree. I like that all my families are feeling more like functioning, working relationships - and actually, more function and less work overall. Not only am I starting to rid myself of my negative habits, but it reflects on the people I choose to have in my life and how I'm treated by those who love me and choose to stick around.

Wow! Improvement! *Pats self on back*

Speaking of changes.. if you haven't noticed, spring has arrived in Seattle. Yes, it was probably here two months ago, but you can never really tell til like May.. so. The sun has been shining more often and the men in this town all seem to be in heat. Mostly that's ok with me as I appreciate a good flirty look from someone with eyes so deep I could drown in them easily.. like I got on Sunday. And wouldn't you know that the evening couldn't have been lovelier.. and it might've been so lovely that we didn't want to part, but people come with baggage and mine isn't so cute and compact, but it's also not, you know.. Texas either. There just comes a point in the process of getting to know someone that you discuss what you come with. When that's determined is harder for me to figure out and no, it's not usually on first dates. But I made a judgement call based on how our evening could've ended and it definitely changed the outcome. I'm not sure I made a mistake opening up so soon, but I sort of wish I'd waited til at least the next one. Sometimes I wish I had an editor. Sigh..

There's another dark horse in the running tho so it's not like there isn't distraction, but the complications surrounding that add up very quickly. You ready? Well, we work together.. in the same department.. our department is only three people AND he's the one who was designated to take the lead position, which I held originally. Not complicated enough for you? Ok.. he's also in the midst of a divorce. Yeah.. just take that all in why don't you. It's a whole lot to consider and the risks are extremely high because we genuinely like each other as friends as well.

All I can say is thank God for Boz because a girl has to eat.. if you know what I mean.. and I'm sure you do.. you're quick like that. It's nice that he and I can hang out without issue - tho I did meet the girl he's currently dating and could she be cooler? I'm sure she could, but I don't know how. Could the whole group of us maybe have liked her a lot? Could she be awesomer? No.. I don't think so. She knows our casual sitch and she's ok with it, not to mention she's comfortable with all of us as a group and shockingly, so am I. How rad is the no drama factor? How rad is it that I'm so terribly evolved?! I'll tell you, pretty rad.

I like being on the edge of summer. There's so much that gets going when the sun comes out. My social life feels packed with activities and organizing plans with different combinations of friends. There will be KT Tunstall I'm seeing with a new girlfriend on Saturday, Kids In The Hall next Thursday, our housewarming to which Shine and I invited everyone we know, and some very important Burning Man training for Boz because the boy doesn't know yet how to ride a bike. Yes, I'm serious.. and if you're going to Burning Man, that's how you get around and this boy WILL be getting around if it kills me. And it probably will. I can teach someone to ride a bike.. can't I? I mean.. how hard is it? Right?

I don't know what it was about the first quarter of this year.. I know it's been hard for a lot of people. Maybe the planets were aligning in some way that pulled all our fates to a difficult direction. But it does make you stronger and I have to say - man, everyone should run, not walk, to therapy because - wow. It really makes all the difference. It feels good to learn how to be a better person, how to take more control of your own power, and how to recognize patterns and change them. My personal philosophy is that if it was easy, you wouldn't learn anything.. and I kept saying that to myself over and over. I'm glad I kept moving forward and I know I did the best I could to handle everything hitting me all at once even if I didn't always handle it well. I know things didn't happen to me and I know I took part in choices that didn't get me the results I wanted. I'm so much more myself - just a new and improved version - still open to change and more readily able to return all the support I was offered.

I tell you.. I'm ready for a lot more joy.. and just so you know.. there should be a little bundle of that coming any minute - Fatima is being induced today because bebe is refusing to arrive on time. See? I'm a great influence. Bebe is already learning from me how being late is more than fashionable. It's downright required if you plan on making an entrance into this world.. So excuse me while I wait for that call to tell me the newest member of my extended family has arrived. Oh the stories I will have to tell!

That's It, I've Got The Plague

OHMYGOD WHO is ready to NOT be sick anymore??! I'll give you one guess.

You would've thought things might've quieted down, that drama would have subsided for a while and shockingly.. wait for it!.. you would be right! In fact, it's actually damn boring these days.. but Lo! Behold! Ack! And there I go, catching the friggin flu. Again. SECOND time in TWO months. And I'm still coughing like a wretched TB patient. COULD IT STOP?! Anytime would be great. My sides are also crying in unison 'Oh ow! A thousand times ow!' 

I stayed home with a minor sore throat last Monday, went back to work feeling fine til Wednesday morning when by an hour after arriving, just blinking my eyes hurt. I was hot then cold, woozy and whiny. I left before 10am, had an appetite when I came home, ate something and went to bed. That was the last day I remember being hungry til this Monday. I did have some really nice dreams while in and out of fever sleeping and of course got a nice reprieve from work - tho a little overkill with this virus for sure. I was practically begging to go back sooner because five full days of this and I was climbing the walls. I mean.. have you SEEN what's on daytime tv? Oh dear God. I can't even discuss it.

And if I'm going to have the flu - fine. But leave me at least one good nostril to breathe thru. Congestion, sure. It sucks ass.. but both nostrils shut down for the better part of two days? Did I just descend into the 4th level of Hell? Because I thought I was going to go batshit. And you know there are things in the store that relieve this symptom? Yes, there are! But you know what else? If you use them longer than three days, your wee little snout gets addicted. Addicted?! Yes! Like.. even when you're not sick, your nose continues to be congested all on its own! Like magic!  Why why WHY do they make things like this?! That makes no sense to me! But hey! It worked! Air! I could breathe! I was so frickin scared my nose would end up in rehab tho that I found this 12 hour Sudafed the doctor said to take instead. Also, note to self: Don't take this at say.. 7pm. That would've been helpful since the idea at night is to eventually sleep.. if sleep ever came.. but it didn't. Ever. At all. 

Thank God for distraction because between the sniffling and the channel surfing, I had The Tudors! As in DREAMY! Have any of you seen this? It's about Henry VIII and his reign starting near the end of his first marriage and taking a few creative liberties in keeping him young and roguishly handsome while he woos Anne Boleyn. I believe he was a lot older when that happened and tho some facts remain the same, they do fudge a lot of accuracies historically, which I wish they wouldn't do. Still.. in three words: HOT HOT HOT. Or if you ask Shine, who went with three different words because she's always over-achieving that one: well-written, addicting, and.. British. Um.. ok. Whatevs. We'll go with it. I would agree with her, but I don't know that it matters because I'm usually so distracted looking at Henry Cavill that I'm not always paying attention to what his philandering Charles Brandon, the Duke of Suffolk, is saying. I mean, can you blame me? Oh it doesn't matter cuz I don't care. That boy is fierce.

The counseling is going well and from that, I find I'm getting past the conflicts at work because they've mostly died down now and moving on to the standard love life complications - or lack thereof. I mean, you have to have a love life to have complications. And you know.. I'm kind of tired of talking about the men in my life who want to show affection, want to live in the moment, and want no further attachments or responsibility beyond that. I need to get beyond that and them and focus on me. I still have work to do. Five sessions doesn't an enlightened person make. I mean, don't get me wrong.. I'm almost there.. you know.. enlightenment is right around the corner for me people. Don't be jealous tho. I can put in a good word for you with the Pope. Oh yes I can. He's here you know. Ok.. he's not HERE per se.. but you know.. he's everywhere so.. 

And for the love of Pete.. er.. the Pope.. whatever.. I'm signing off for the night. Take your vitamins, kittens!

I Shall Not Be Moved

At the end of February, Kari and I spent her Christmas gift to me listening to Dr. Maya Angelou speak for an evening. She's almost 80 years old and is an extremely engaging storyteller. Her voice alone is so glorious it's like swimming thru thick waves of silk. She's also just funny as all get out. I like it when a person of her stature, age, and experience calls it like it is. She has a particularly keen understanding of life and expresses it with her own mix of intelligent wit and direct honesty. There's no pretense. Just this feeling that the room was filled with the weight of this love she creates and shares and never seems to run out of.

The woman has a world of experiences - some so awful and ignorant we could feel her frustration and anger of a particular memory. Some were so beautiful they carried the entire audience along as we all held our collective breath, her voice washing over us like we were bathing in warm honey. I'm sure she's had her moments where she wasn't so full of grace and light, but you'd never know it. She's a force we were honored to witness and I left feeling extremely blessed to have been in the same room with someone so filled with the power of love that she exudes.

Centered on the world's stage,
she sings to her loves and beloveds,
to her foes and detractors:
However I am perceived and deceived,
however my ignorance and conceits,
lay aside your fears that I will be undone,

for I shall not be moved.

*****************************************

I've been reading 'Eat, Pray, Love', by Elizabeth Gilbert. The story is one that you either enjoy or you don't because as I've heard the writer can come across as pathetic and whiny because of all she's going thru in her story. I can see why and I honestly don't think it's technically the best-written book or the most poetic as far as how she puts words together. But for me there's something sweetly endearing and relatable about her. The struggle of lost love and inner growth is something most have gone thru and that whiny girl who can't let go and thinks the worst of herself has certainly reared her ugly head more times than I'd like to admit. So I keep turning page after page while I sit on the bike at the gym and while I've let my exercise routine lapse the last few weeks during my own downward spiral, I'm back at it and feeling stronger.. book in hand while I pedal.

The book is about her year of travels where she spent equal amounts of time in Italy, India and Indonesia in an effort to process her relationship demons. I'm in the midst of her journey within an Ashram in India where she was seeking a deeper sense of spirituality in conjunction with her larger goal to heal.

What I find funny is that often when I pick up a book, it's to distract me for a little while and capture a little of someone else's imagination in order to be carried away and forget what I'm dealing with. So I reached the point where someone has given her a list of instructions for freedom by which to meditate. I dog-eared one page inparticular for these two lines of instruction:

'Let your intention be freedom from useless suffering. Then, let go.'

'When the karma of a relationship is done, only love remains. It's safe. Let go.'

Clearly - I can't get away from what I'm dealing with even for 30 minutes at the gym. And maybe there's a different kind of exercise I'm in need of.

I remembered something from the bit of Buddhism that I know which is that suffering is caused by attachment. Yet, attachment seems unavoidable to me. I mean, we're human. Attachment is necessary. But as I recently acknowledged, there was an attachment in my life I could no longer hold onto because it was only causing me pain. So I made a motion to let it go.. or release the doves, as Shine says. I practically wrestled that relationship in an effort to get what I wanted, but it wouldn't be coerced. And why should I convince anyone to be with me or convince myself that settling for whatever small bits are offered could ever be enough? I shouldn't in either case. Those lines just reminded me that not only did I do the right thing, but there's no negativity surrounding that. It stings, but I wish that ache a fond farewell and welcome the transition in my heart to move on.

I know I love. I know I'm loved. My meditation is in those words. My freedom lies there.

I shall not be moved.

*****************************************

In that same line of thinking, how do we avoid useless suffering? Avoiding attachments altogether seems a bit drastic, doesn't it? I'm drawn by connection first - a chemistry I can't visibly see, but once I feel that familiar pull of an intense gaze, a few charming words in a suggestive and playful tone - I'm caught. Now if Timing would just see to work with me instead of against me, those things wouldn't be so bittersweet. But the opportunities in front of me aren't ones for reaching out to from what I'm gathering. I think they're there to show me what could be possible. Not actually options to pursue. Sort of like the display model in a store. Not actually for sale and in fact, they're sold out, but they can't take it out of the window just yet. So it lends to asking the question - am I attracted to the wrong things? Chemistry is great - but when you have it with someone who is, for any number of reasons, unavailable, it's rather moot.

Ali called me late the other night while I was in the midst of processing this door-closing issue with Boris. I know I sounded shaky and sad and he asked me what happened. After my saga, he discussed his possible romances and one seemed a bit extreme for her young age and how far away she'd moved. I teased him saying he couldn't pursue her because before he did that, we should be getting back together as the three hours apart we are is a lot more reasonable than the 10 between them. Then he said that if things were different, there wouldn't be any question about who he would choose to be with because that would be me...... I think for a second - and seriously, it felt longer than that - I was fairly stunned.

The love between us isn't in doubt. He was, at one time, the love of my life, I thought. I pined for two years and compared everyone I dated to him for much longer than that. But sure, I eventually fell out of love with him, but I'd thought he'd done that first - even before we'd broken up. He corrected me and said he'd never once stopped loving me. Not that he was proposing we get back together that very instant, but even saying that seemed to leave it open for discussion, which still had me shellshocked when we finally said goodbye.

What am I to think? Yet another situation that seems.. improbable.. and at the same time, it overwhelmed me with warmth knowing that it's not impossible for someone to love me for years. And as silly and self-deprecating as that sounds.. I mean, a girl begins to wonder when her definition of a successful relationship is one that goes longer than a few weeks.

Yes, our history was extremely significant to both of us, but do we find our way back to each other when the other opportunities simply aren't redeeming? And were we different people then and have we changed so much that if we were to consider the possibility of reconnecting, would the relationship be different/better/healthier? Or do we use the other as a designation of where we set the bar and continue to seek out someone new who hits that measure at minimum?

I find myself feeling more emotion than one can really understand all at once. At one end I have this compelling connection with someone who's become a close friend - and my feelings get all tangled up with the butterflies flitting around and all the happy I feel when I'm around him. At the other end, I feel a deep sadness in my heart knowing Boris and I have to try harder this time to keep our distance so we can both heal and come back as friends when we're ready. Throw in my rebounding with Boz and Ali's surprise statements and you can see how my head's about to explode.

Eight knows I hate this, but for whatever it's worth, I need to just accept the love that's shown in the moments it's shown and be happy. So it's not the exact level of love I want from at least two of them and yes, I'd like to hear one of them express something more in line with what I'm feeling, but it's not going to happen. I know they both love me, but in their own way and each has too many other variables and their own demons to work thru. I'm ok with that. I still have lots of work to do myself. I don't regret what I feel. That's who I am. By nature, love is unconditional, unselfish and is given without expectation of it being returned. Yes, it's a little lonely and a little frustrating, but I choose to be open to the grace that inspires in me and not be swallowed up by anything bitter because my feelings are unrequited.

It's safe. I'm letting go.

I'm not caught.. I'm free.

I love. I am loved.

I shall not be moved.